It’s my stepmom’s birthday tomorrow so me, my brother and my mom are wrapping the gifts and writing the card. Stuff like that you know.

My brother got my stepmom a fancy perfume that she loves and can barely find anywhere. My mom got her a bottle of some kind of booze (my stepmom doesn’t drink). And I got her this comic book I saw in a store and immediately knew it was for her. It’s about elephants, she absolutely loves everything related to elephants. So I got it for her.

So to what happened an hour ago, as I was busy writing the card my mom is doing the gifts. The wrapping paper is nearly out so there is barely enough to cover my gift. I’d grabbed another roll so there was plenty. But my mom decided to use the one that was almost out. She got the wide part done and only needed to fold the small part and we’d be good. I told her it wouldn’t fit, it was obvious. She tried anyway claiming she knew better. She folded it and it was clear she’d folded the book too. I instantly got it out, it was bent badly and one of the pages was ripped (I don’t think that was her fault though). She tried to make it better by trying to bend it the other way, no idea why she thought that’d work. There’s now two very obvious bends in the book, it was supposed to be a cute gift and now you can’t read half the page.

My anxiety has been through the roofs. And I'm genuinely terrified of the future. It's been hard for me to sleep. It's been hard for me to take care of myself, or do anything else, as the future feels so bleaky. Everything feels so pointless.

I have grown up religious too, so everything feeels like a sign of the end of times. Not a single day goes by where I don't feel like the world is ending or something really awful is going to happen. I know this is going to sound crazy to some people, but I do genuinely live in constant fear that the antichrist could appear at any moment. I'm terrified of the biblical prophecies coming. And I'm terrified if they don't and this is all the world will always be. All I want is a minute without being in fear.

I am what you could describe as very tomboy-ish. I’m bisexual in a heterosexual marriage. A lot of my passions and interests could be considered “male-coded” like gaming and motorcycles, and I have a successful career developing video games.

None of this is tied to sexuality or gender, and yet my closest loved ones have teased me that I might be gay. My mom admitted she was relieved when I came home with my first boyfriend. She thought I could possibly be trans because I refused to wear anything girly as a child.

This teasing died down for awhile through my 20s, but this year is different. I’ve been under a lot of stress at work, and through therapy I learned I could ease a lot of that stress by exploring more authentic sides of myself. I got a great shag hairstyle with a deep undercut. I’ve decided to finally get my M1 license and just purchased my first bike last weekend. I’m looking into getting more piercings.

All of this has made me so, so over the moon happy. But my husband, for whatever reason I have yet to investigate, has started teasing me about “going full lesbian” and “this is becoming a lavender marriage.” I’m not sure if I’m too autistic to understand, but it’s made me quite upset to hear this from him.

I just want to be me without being labeled something different. I can’t ignore that we haven’t really had sex in a few months, save a couple sessions here and there, but that has nothing to do with my attraction to him. We have other unrelated issues we need to sort out.

We’ve always joked that our gender roles are the opposite of the stereotypical 50s marriage. I’m the breadwinner, I love video games, and I’m nowhere near as good at interior design and choosing house decor as he is. He’s a fantastic cook and doesn’t hold a job, and I’ve been more or less okay with it.

I don’t know why I haven’t been able to stop crying tonight. We had a brief argument over my choice to get into riding, but he eventually returned to the room and apologized. I joked “yeah well you keep calling me gay” and he looked me in the eyes and sincerely said “yes well, it’s okay to be gay” and gave me a big hug. I’m so confused.

First off, I feel so relieved I am divorcing. We are 14 months separated.

I cannot say what happened. But imagine what it takes to go from loving your wife but thinking something needs fixing, to the whole marriage being ruined in a matter of weeks.

It didn't involve cheating (at least on my end). I am happy to GTFO and look forward to a life of being single if thats what it means.

A lot of people think cheating needs to occur for a marriage to be toxic. Not true. However - I do think she likely cheated. I know she had emotional affairs. What she actually did was way worse though. Again, not going to say it.

When people on the outside first find out, they go "oh for the kids you need to make it work!" Then usually about 30 minutes into talking about it, they go "yeah run, and get the kids away from her."

I won't say much, but I empathize so much with Lindsay Clancey's husband. Imagine finding out 1) your wife is severely mentally ill and 2) she did something so awful to you and the kids that you cannot forgive ever. SO GLAD the kids are ok as of right now.

it was okay when being a teenager, you could do stupid stuff with your friends, play video games all day and just exist, but now it sucks so hard. endless bills to pay, maintaining social relationships with people u dislike, eating, chores, health, endless wars going on, social media occupying everything, literally everything u do seems morally wrong, everyone is just pretending to be something and the list goes on endlessly

Everytime I look in the mirror, I just see man tits, and a blob of fat. I jog for a straight minute, and im out of breath. I cant even do 10 straight push ups. I wonder what I look like completely healthy. I only weigh 230 pounds. I see shows like 600 Pound Life, and wonder how the hell it got so bad. I've always been chubby, so really hard to change my weight. Im about to walk my dog, and do something about it.

Hi guys!

Well yeah as the title says, there's not much to say really hahaha, I'm 5'0 and my life is a living hell.

Before I continue, if possible I just want people to spare me the typical comments of toxic positivity, handsome/healthy people have never understand what I've gone through and those comments of "love yourself" are not only tone-deaf but straight up hurtful, so please just save them for yourselves, this is not the place for that.

With that said, man I got fucked hahaha, I'll never be a dream man, only a nightmare man, you know?

Ignoring all of the abuse I've received across the years, at some point of my life I understood that this whole thing of love/relationships is not something that's in my path, so with that in mind I've thought that maybe I should try something that only I can do if that makes sense, like skydiving or cave... diving? hahaha, you know because I won't have a family and it's okay if I just go missing.

To be honest, I've been thinking for a while on what can make me happy at this point in life, and I know it sounds sad, but I just don't think that being happy is an option for me, do you know what would make me happy? Being born properly HAHAHAHAHAH, sorry, I'm kind of crying while writing this, you don't have to take this seriously, but yeah, for better or for worse the world stops for no one, I can't just stay still and rot away, well I can, but I don't want to!

Even if I can't be happy, I think I can be entertained, so I'll try to focus on finding things that keep me entertained even if lonely.

i just posted a vent but i needed to post one more

i’ve always been a semi schedule person, I like organization but also don’t. College has put me on a strict schedule and it just sucks. I work 20 hours a week (which isnt bad), I just haven’t worked this many hours while also taking 6 classes. I’m falling behind, not too much but it’s just another thing on my plate.

I know the more I stick to this scheduled work/life/school balance, my energy will even out and it will become easier. But im just so tired right now. Still adjusting. I have hella things to do tonight (read like 6 chapters for a major class 🫩) but I’m going to try to read as much as I can and then sleep :\ i hope i get some reading done.

i just want to see my friends and watch youtube

I got diagnosed with ADHD and I'm changing my perspective on things.

I was basically diagnosed a week ago, and it's insane. Initially, I thought it wouldn't really have an impact on me at all, but then BOOM. I've been struggling with a lot of anxiety and some depression, I was getting that treated when I got the reference to my psychiatrist. I cried because I felt like I did something wrong for some reason.

Anyways, I got told I most definitely have it. He told me he'd give me time to process because I didn't have a great reaction. And I'm realising how much of my anxiety lines up with my ADHD. I hate being late, causing me to be an hour early for everything. I hate driving, I feel so scared that I wasn't paying attention to something because im in a metal death trap that goes 60km per hour. I hate introspection because I will gaslight myself so hard. I know I'm not a reliable source, so I do mental gymnastics to somehow blame myself.(These are just a couple of things)

I've felt like everyone else have been on a certain wave length and I've been trying to play catch up all of my life, and I was mad at myself for not catching up, for feeling that way I The first place, I clearly wasn't good enough unlike everyone else and now I get an opportunity to stop being so mean to myself, accept myself and my shortcomings and grow.

I'm highly overwhelmed right now. I forgot to turn off the stove (electric) for about ten minutes and instead of berating myself for how dumb and forgetful I was, I accepted I made a mistake, told myself that I need to make sure that I switch it off before leaving the kitchen and moved on. It wasn't a moral failure or another example of how incompetent I was. It slipped my mind, and I have a game plan on how to prevent it.

So yeah...

My mom was a drug addict. She was also pretty abusive as a kid. She got better, eventually. I dont think she was a bad person, more so that she was deeply flawed and surviving trauma of her own. She was let down by a lot of people in her life. As a kid, I didnt really understand this. Or, well, maybe I did. Even a bit before my mom died, I think I understood. I was just angry. I loved her, but also, a part of me sort of hated her.

She died when I was 17, freshly. I think it was in November but I've been told it was in October. I never tracked the date, I try to avoid thinking about it. It's hard to get sad about a date that I don't even know. Im 20 now. I have a boyfriend and he's pretty nice, I love him a lot.

I dont talk about my mom often, its an uncomfortable topic. I joke about it a lot, admittingly. Everyone loves a good dead mom joke, but actually talking about her feels uncomfortable, not necessarily for me, but for others. I havent spoken about her enough to form an opinion of speaking about her.

My boyfriend knows my mom is dead, has a general concept of her death. I always joke that I thought I was the one who killed my mom, because she ate my terrible cooking the day she died. It gave me a stomach ache so I went to lay down and when I woke up, boom! Dead. It makes people laugh, when I say with full conviction I killed my mom with my terrible cooking.

Thats about as much as he knew. I can't really remember what triggered it. I was visiting my boyfriend, we were cuddling. I think it was just a hard day. It's been 3 years and yet some days all I think about is my mom. I think about her a lot when I feel lost. She always had the answer for everything, always knew everything. Sometimes, I wish I could ask her what to do. That's a tangent though.

Anyways, I started speaking about her. It was kinda light hearted at first, but he actually was listening and I just ended up spilling my guts. I told him everything. I told him about finding her, about how I could've seen her body before she was cremated but I didn't, because I was scared, and how I regret it so much. I told him about the fight we had a month prior, and how I made her cry. I told him about her mom wishing she'd die, and then crying to everyone we knew about how badly she missed her daughter. I told him about the dream I had the night she died, where I begged her not to leave. I told him how she faced my door when I found her, in her room across the hall, and how I wondered if she was coming to ask for help but I couldnt hear or do anything. I told him how I felt like I had to protect her, that I was the only person on Earth who could protect my mom, and I failed when she needed me. I told him about how I saved her during a previous OD. It was a lot. I dont think I've ever told anyone that much about the ordeal, let alone in that much detail.

I started crying, which is so odd. Sometimes I feel so detached from it, and other times I cry so hard I can barely breathe. I had gotten used to talking about my mom's death with therapists, though it was never that detailed. I kinda thought I was numb enough to the point speaking about it didnt make me cry anymore. He also started crying. I suppose it was pretty sad, but he was crying almost as hard as me, if not harder.

This is going to sound weird, but it felt really good. My family never cried when my mom died. Honestly, nobody did. I think I was the only person who felt upset by the ordeal. I cried for the entire day, but it seemed like after that, everyone was pretty sick of it, so I just stopped. I stopped myself from crying, from thinking about it, etc. I've been thinking about it a lot more recently, honestly, but thats also not important.

It felt good to see someone else cry over her, much like myself. I felt validated. I think if I wasn't crying so hard at the time, I might have maybe smiled at it, which feels so strange and wrong to say, I dont know why it made me feel so giddy inside, and to this moment I think about that with dread.

When I think about it, I just dont understand. It makes sense for me to be sad, I knew my mom, I grew up with her. At the end of the day, she gave birth to me, and while my time with her was short, and even when she was alive we weren't always often together, she was my mom. But nobody else who knew her cried, so I had just assumed it was a situation that was sad for me, and me alone.

Seeing my boyfriend cry, someone who hadn't even met her, harder than anyone who knew her felt so weird and strange to me. I still can't wrap my head around it. I dont think my boyfriend cries easily, nor necessarily a lot. I dont think I've ever seen him cry over something tragic. I just feel lost thinking about it, even if the actual action its self felt good, I dont understand it and it confuses me, and makes me feel weird inside.

My one rule when I quit my last job is that I would not work for minimum wage again. I literally refuse. I will not work 40+ hours at a job that makes me want to blow my head off. I simply will not fucking do it. Do you know how many of my friends are some of the most talented and intelligent people that are stuck working for Jimmy’s Johns, for GameStop, Walmart, Costco, Meijer. Not all of these are minimum wage but all of the people I know that work there are putting in 40+ hours a week to stay above water and they hate their lives, they hate themselves, they don’t have time to eat right, go to the gym. Literally only have energy to work, smoke weed, play video games.

I have multiple degrees. Can’t even find a job BARTENDING. I seriously would sooner start stripping than work at a coffee shop with a bachelor’s degree. I’m not doing it dude I will eat at soup kitchens for as long as it fucking takes for me to find a job that doesn’t make me want to die. I ate out of a chipotle trash can last night and I wore a ski jacket to bed because my heat was off. I don’t give a fuck if it means I don’t have to sell my youth for actual pennies. It’s all so stupid. Degree devaluation is so fucking dehumanizing. All of my money is going into getting this stupid fucking masters degree. It has to get me fucking SOMEWHERE.

EDIT: receiving an insane amount of judgement and assumptions about me in these replies so for added context: I have BAs in pre law and environmental science, a certificate in scientific writing, currently in a masters for veterinary clinical medicine. I started undergrad wanting to go into animal advocacy work and environmental policy. By the end, with more hands on experience, I decided I loved the handling aspect of working with animals. Feeling the warmth of a newborn animal. Watching a colt wobble to its loving mother. Seeing a dog with mange grow over with new life. Watching the sick heal or giving them a peaceful and quiet end to their suffering. It’s all so beautiful and I know in my heart that this is what I was made for. Those that continue to judge me for pursuing this and refusing to settle must have resigned to have their dreams crushed— and I am sorry for you, but don’t you dare tell me you’re sorry for me.

I’m accruing unpaid clinical/animal handling/research hours and I work contract jobs in summers in Alaska working in the fishing industry. ALL of that money is to save for vet school and I barely touch it and refuse to spend it on groceries. It will go to bills and rent when need be and I could comfortably live off of it for years if I wanted to, but that is FOR my dream of becoming a veterinarian and I will starve before I let go of that dream. My previous job was at an animal shelter that was openly permissive of inhumane conditions and it consisted primarily of me shovelling diseased dog shit full time for 15/hr. I had to quit to pursue the masters. Anyways I am being killed with hammers for venting on the vent subreddit 💀

I recently lost my grandma. When I first found out, I really shocked that I barely had a reaction considering how close she was to me. Even days after she died, I didn't even cry once. But just now, I was just eating a pie I made and then my eyes started wartering and at first I thought I was allergic reaction so I went to a mirror to check for any symptoms. It was just me crying and I keep trying to stop but I just can't and I miss her so bad. It just sucks having people pass away and I've always hated it since I was a kid. I also hate how it affects my studies, I can barely focus on anything right now. Because I'm suppose to stay strong and make them proud by getting good grades. I don't like how random it is and how much it changes you. Ig all those years of me saying that's just how life works and that everyone goes whether I like it or not caught to me. I think it was also just me trying to comfort myself and say it to ease the pain I felt.

Its so sad that when I come onto here looking to talk to people or just want to do some stuff that's nsfw, I either get blocked when they DM me or just stop responding in general. I cant ever find someone to talk to for long than a day. To be honest I may just stop trying to find somebody to talk to. Hurts my soul man.

I have so much hatred for myself.

After I started working out around 2 years ago, I have so much rage and hatred for that person I was before the gym.

I have seen pictures of myself before the gym and I literally see that person as inferior. Before the gym, I was very much lacking confidence, and was a doormat, and hated confrontation. Now, there are absolutely \*no\* people on Earth that I trust aside from my tax specialist at H&R Block. I have such little faith in anyone to do the right thing. I don't let anyone do anything for me because whenever I rely on someone, they fold on me every single time.

It's also affecting the intimacy in my relationship with my girlfriend. It's so extremely scary to allow myself to be submissive with my girlfriend in the bedroom, because I feel like I'm going to give my past self a chance to weasle its way back in and make me submissive in every other facet of life.

Sometimes I feel like I have to torture my past self out of fear that I'll lose all the progress I've made over the years. I genuinely feel like I need to lock that part of myself in a cage and light it on fire, hoping that part of my identity will die.

I've gotten extremely confrontational because I feel like I have to prove myself to something. I don't want to show weakness to \*anyone\* , not even my girlfriend, because if I do, they will use that against me. I have such little trust in every human on Earth that it literally feels exhausting that I have to do \*everything\* myself, and I'm constantly battling paranoia that people are trying to hurt me. I feel like I want people to fear me so that they won't try and hurt me. And I can't show anyone any vulnerability or weakness to give them any chance to hurt me in the first place.

I feel like I need to hurt people to make them feel what they have done to me. I was once abused by a woman for two years, and I can only describe it as psychological torture before I decided to leave. And it intensely affected the way I trust people. I will not be vulnerable with anyone. Ever. The \*only\* time I \*ever\* show vulnerability is with Animals. Not with my mom, my girlfriend, my brother, nobody. The only person I feel like I have gotten close to having any trust with is my best friend.

Trusting someone with anything, even as simple as getting me a paper towel, makes me preemptively hate them because they don't take me seriously, take too long, or fuck it up, and then I yell at them because I decided to trust them and I could have gotten it done by now.

I remember I was hosting a party. I made a meal for my girlfriend and she didn't like it. No problem. More food for me. So, I put something in the toaster for her and I asked my friends to take it out for her. And nobody could do it. I asked 3 times.

One of them was a lazy cunt who couldn't even get out of his chair, and the other was asking me where the mits are even though there's tongs right in front of him. And I literally cursed and said "I'll fucking do it". Right in front of everyone. I cannot trust anyone to do anything for me, because I can't accept imperfections. If I accept imperfections, I give people opportunities to let me down when I could have just gotten it done. I expect incompetence in everyone. And it is ruining my life.

It also hasn't helped that I was recently assaulted by a woman at a bar a few weeks ago, and I couldn't even kiss my girlfriend for two days after it happen. I still think about it sometimes and sometimes I feel like I need to put hand sanitizer in my mouth just to feel clean. I feel like I have to start confrontations sometimes just so that people know I'm not prey. I almost got in trouble a few times, because some people were being creeps to me in public and I almost started a fight because I did not want to be seen as prey.

After that incident, whenever I tell someone "no", and they try and test my boundaries, I feel like the next option is to beat them to a pulp because I don't know how to process the situation other than violence. I don't want to actually hurt someone though, so I resort to verbal and emotional abuse. I have said genuinely awful and disgusting things to people to hurt their feelings and get them to leave me alone because I didn't want to be prey. Probably some of those people weren't trying to hurt me.

EVERYTHING is harder!

Can openers

Scissors

Writing with a pen

Coffee cups are always backwards

Measuring cups.. also always backwar

Opening cabinets and fridge doors without knocking yourself out

More likely to die while operating heavy machinery

I'm sick of it! The straw that broke the camels back is I'm teaching myself how to crochet and it's SO HARD to learn a new thing when you have to mirror it instead of just copying!

I'm sick of right handed people being so spoiled. Can we sell left handed products for once? I NEED to see a righty use a pair of left handed scissors!

So for context, about 20 ish days ago I had ordered Sonic and got the complete wrong order and when I went to go get a refund, DoorDash was like “please provide a clear picture of the items” and I did and I wanted to speak to a representative and got AI instead that was of no help and it kept repeating itself over and over again basically saying “sorry we can’t help idk what you want us to do anything 🤷‍♀️.” So I put in a refund of the order through PayPal and it went through and I forgot about it and then like an hour ago, I got an email basically saying “we can’t refund it sorry.” I then went to go to my account and what a surprise, it took out the amount even though I had paid for it already. I thought “oh, they’ll just decline it no big deal it was a long time ago” only to find out I was double charged for it. DoorDash customer isn’t very good. I also (5 mins ago) decided to re-contact them to see if I could speak to a human instead of a bot, got connected, and I’m pretty sure it was an ai bot and it wasn’t very helpful at all. I told them what happened and they said they couldn’t do anything and ignored me when I said I sent in a picture of the order. If you want a refund from DoorDash, they make it so impossible to do and it’s really really annoying. (The order was eighteen dollars) Not only that, but I’m currently having asthma issues all day today and can’t get medicine until 11AM when cvs opens and this was the LAST thing that I wanted to happen. 🤦‍♀️

When I moved I was super excited for things to be a fresh start, and for the most part I can't even complain. I have things pretty well for myself.

That being said, my recent circumstances within the past few days have left me feeling like I'm in a pit that I can't get out of.

I recently started a new job that I really enjoy, but it isn't paying quite what I expected/what they projected that I would earn. Aside from this, I have been increasingly anxious about even showing up; for hours leading up to when I get in the car, my body is shaking.

My cat had been acting strange for a few days, so I checked the places she liked to hide to see if she had vomited. One of those places was under the bed. While I didn't see vomit, I saw fiberglass on the mattress and floor. I haven't slept in 2 days.

As I was attempting to rest tonight after work, I hear my cat's food bowl scrape the floor. I see a rat. A giant, fucking rat. It ran under my dishwasher, which has been basically unsealed/broken since I moved in a few months back. So now when I call maintenance for the rat issue, I have no idea what they will even be able to do. I'm too scared to sleep now. I don't want my cat killing it, and there are no other rooms I can keep her in.

I'm so exhausted and I feel like things are falling apart so fast. I feel like I can't sleep until everything is fixed.

(Btw note that this is a resubmission of my post since it got removed)

I genuinely feel like there's something wrong with me. I'll see girls around me putting effort into their appearance, doing their hair, wearing cute outfits, doing their makeup, and somehow everything just comes together for them. They look pretty, put-together.

And then there's me, trying just as hard, sometimes even harder, only to look in the mirror and feel like none of it makes a difference.

It's not even that I expect to look perfect. I just want to feel pretty. I want to put on an outfit and actually like what I see. I want to do my hair and feel like it suits me. I want to get ready to go somewhere and feel excited about how I look instead.

No matter how much time I spend researching, how many tutorials I watch, or how much money I spend on my appearance, I somehow end up looking like someone's old-fashioned auntie

I know about the whole 'don't compare' thing but it's easier said than fone when the evidence of that difference is true and very apparent

I am so tired of my life now , it feels like i am stuck in a loop

I have no friends to hangout with or talk to

I am 17 , I wasted my teens doing nothing but studying.

I am studying 15-16 hrs a day 120+ hr a week .

I have no energy left , i am running on caffeine and energy drinks

I just want to rest and enjoy

I wish I was worn with a sliver spoon

just to preface this by saying ive always been a bit of a hypochondriac but ive seen all of my relatives die of cancer and looking at my dad lay there barely able to speak shook me to my core. the man was a husk, he could barely speak, barely alive. it took my grandmas on both sides of my family. it almost took my uncle.

ive always been scared of checking my body for signs and misinterpreting things, but this time its getting harder to keep those fears at bay. theres a huge lump thats been growing on my lip and now theres suddenly another lump on my jaw. im completely terrified. my mind keeps jumping to the worst possible outcome, and i cant stop thinking about what it would mean if it were something serious. i dont want to be like my dad. i dont want to lose my face, nor my brain.

i dont know what to think anymore, and im running out of ways to reassure myself that its something else. ill see the dentist tomorrow to have it looked at, but im terrified of what i might hear. everytime i think about it all i can think about is my poor dad and grandmother who were taken away from me because of that disease. and im scared that the same thing could happen to me.

im only 22 years old i and i want to live, i havent had a oppurtunity to do anything in life yet. ive barely experienced whats life has to offer. im pleading with something that it isnt what i think it is, i dont want to die. im scared and hopeless.

edit: as of typing this i found another lump in my neck, it just keeps getting worse and worse...

resubmitted because automod and real the rules thing.

I'm a drug addict. I have nine days clean. I'm not handling myself well. I want to use so badly. I keep fantasizing about it. I've been eating like shit, or not at all, and I want to isolate. I want to cave into myself and shoot up and call it quits. I'm tired. using would be insanity but staying clean feels insane too. I feel like a lost cause.

I'm a first generation student. I feel ridiculous for being here. I feel shame and guilt. I feel like I've abandoned my family by coming here, and in some ways I did. I feel so behind here. I'm not sure how to handle school. I can work all day, every day, but when it comes to school I hit a road block that I'm not sure how to navigate. I often feel like giving up.

I'm dead broke. the stress of it along with everything else has really started to get to me. I think that because I have housing and an education now I feel like I have so much to lose. when I was homeless it didn't matter as much that I was broke. I already had nothing, what more did I have to lose by being poor? I don't know, I feel paralyzed sometimes from everything. I started having panic attacks for the first time in years lately. I feel like I'm losing myself.

ever since I was old enough to remember, my parents have always told me I’m two years behind my actual age. according to them and the myriad of teachers I’ve had in my life, I’m slower than my peers. I’m slower at learning (especially math), I may have good health but athletically I’m slower than my peers and even people younger than me with similar builds. that’s one of the reasons I quit competitive swim, because I was so slow my coach and teammates pitied me, at the time I was a 17 year old getting best by 14 year olds. pathetic. even my grades suck compared to my peers.

my parents had spent a good chunk of money on tutoring and extra resources, even sending me to a private school, just for me to have grades in the shitter, just Bs and Cs and the occasional A. they said I am too lazy. but I’m not lazy, I swear I’m not. I give it my all, I study my best, I try my best, and my best is always mediocre and lackluster compared to my peers. my dad used to yell at me and ask me if there is truly something wrong me me, ask if i’m just mentally ill or if I even wanted to go to college. my mom is very supportive, but she could only do so much. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why I’m behind, and they refused to get me diagnosed with anything. He doesn’t yell at me anymore, mercifully. it’s even worse because my dad is so smart. he’s an engineer who gave me the comfortable life I could live, yet I don’t have his nor my mom’s intelligence. I’ve always wanted to do art but my dad denied that years ago, but I realized that he’s right, since I‘m shit at it anyway. my style is generic, I lack skill, I can’t even shade that well.

if I do make it to college, I might get tested for something, anything. I wish I was given a normal brain, a normal attitude, so I can just live and keep up. But I can’t, I can’t no matter how hard I try. My best is the bottom line, my best is meaningless and negligible. I can’t keep doing this anymore.

I have no hope for myself. I have this comfortable set up and here I am squandering the opportunities others would kill for. I’ve tried and tried and tired again, in all the different ways I can, and the results are always the same; mediocrity. I know, deep down, my parents desperately wish for a better child, but will not get it in this life. I don’t know how I can make it up to them.

"of course you don't"

What are you trying to imply? So I gave her what she needed but i told her to make sure she tells what transpired, repeated what happened, meaning, don't fucking try to spin or twist the narrative. YOU made the mistake, we have a duty to cross check. We are not in your time, we are in our time.

The interaction was totally aggressive from her end. I don't respond well to threats, so I just mirrored that behaviour in a diplomatic fashion.

Sounded exactly like my mother....so, what I can't say is:

Take accountability of your mistake, get the fuck away because you're trying to threaten my team for a mistake you've done. So wait for us, we won't wait on you.

Ive kinda given up around 2-3 years ago. I dont dress up when i go out, i don’t wear makeup except when I really feel like it. Sometimes its just kind of draining to look for an outfit or to try to look good when I know I don’t.

right now I’m really upset. I was doing good keeping these insecure feelings/thoughts away but they just keep coming back. Hung out with my friends, they all dressed up, they joked about how I wear Pjs all the time. I say it’s because I’m lazy And that I don’t really care anymore. I think they think it’s a confidence thing, but it’s the complete opposite. I feel like I really am the DUFF of my group.

when I feel at best, I feel completely average. Which isn’t the best feeling either I’ll admit. But I’ve recently come to the realization, that I am probably a bit below average, and that’s just kinda set me off this whole week.

i dont really get compliments, if I do it’s I’m funny, my eyes, or my hair. When I do try and dress up then that too. But now that’s probably Due t people not expecting me to dress up. I actually don’t remember the time someone told me, “You’re pretty.” sometimes I joke about how I look (in a fairly obvious way) trying to gauge my friends reactions. usually they babytalk to me saying I’m not. Idk how to feel about that.

It’s freeing, accepting what you are. but sometimes I wish I were something more. and that freeing feeling can also feel like I just escaped a cage only to be trapped in a building with no doors. Yes I accept my ugliness, but, im ugly.

Maybe when I grow up I’ll glow up lol. I know I should work on myself, I know I should be more confident. I shouldn’t be thinking like this, there’s worse things out there. And I should probably take a break from social media.

i find it’s nice to kind of vent here where other people share the same things instead of talking to myself in my notes app.