You won’t be that way forever, not with those eyes.

For now, you can have whatever you want of mine, I’ll share it with you.

I feel like not enough people have told you that.

What if I told you that all I would need in return is for you to stick around?

Doesn’t have to be around me, just in this world long enough to see that despite everything, it’s still you:

and just how wonderful you really are.

You said I have more than I think, and I know you do too, even if your world doesn’t let you see it.

You say you’re just one bad thing away,

So even if it’s small, you can have any of my good things whenever you want.

You’re just too beautiful to be so lonely, and if I could, I’d love you harder than anyone who’s ever hurt you just to spite them.

But I can’t the way I would like, so I pray for you in the corner you keep me in.

I know im not exactly who you want,

But if you’re lonely,

Darling, you’re glowing

Her eyes lighting up the room to blow a fuse in my heart. The warmth she brings and her wicked greed. Is this scripted, chat?

Why did we meet? Why is she so beautiful? Why do wandering eyes see through the closed doors? Why do they watch? It hurts to be on the stage of a tragedy I never auditioned for. I miss her. She deserves all the love and affection.

Her gravity pulls me in no matter how hard I resist. How do I forget? How do I sleep?

Banging these rocks into the aether. Fast and steady when it matters most.

I get it. I mean, I really do. I get you. I get why things are the way they are. I understand why things have happened the way they've happened. I know that you struggle with so much on the inside. You struggle to accept yourself as the amazing human being that I, and so many others, accept you as. You don't see how you deserve every single good thing this world has to offer, and you don't see how you deserve to be loved with all the love a heart has to give. You don't see the positive difference you make for every single person you come into contact with, and you don't see how this world is such a better place simply because you exist in it.

It's all the little things that add up to create the humongous difference that you make. You have so much going for you, and I just don't think you realize all the things you have to be grateful for. You have a personality unlike anybody else's in this world. Your outlook and sense of humor make sure you bring a good time with you everywhere you go! You're so smart and wise, and not just in the ordinary ways, either. Your intelligence is the kind that comes from not only understanding facts and figures, but understanding how those facts and figures can be used to better yourself and the world around you. It is easy from an outside perspective to see how you have a natural ability to bring out the best in others. You aren't satisfied with mediocrity, and you striving to be the best causes others to do the same.

From the very beginning of our time together I have looked up to you and respected your passion for greatness. Through your love and friendship, I have learned so much about life. It was only after becoming best friends with you that I learned who I really was. Your acceptance and companionship gave me the courage to love myself as I truly am, and it's for that very reason that a comfort exists between us unlike anything we'd ever felt before. Being best friends with someone as special as you truly makes me feel like I have genuinely achieved something monumental, and I hope you know that I value the bond we share with my whole heart.

There is a reason you make friends everywhere you go, and it's because of the care and concern you inherently show people. It's so easy for people to see the light that lives within you because the more they interact with you, the less dark their lives become. Once people experience how genuine, kind, and intelligent you are, you quickly become someone they want to be around more and more. There's a reason people's faces light up when they see you walking towards them, and I think that should tell you everything about the impact you have on the people lucky enough to meet you.

Like I said, I know you have a hard time seeing it, but you really are a star. You do something that so very few people do in this world. You make things better by just being apart of them. No matter where you go or what you do, you are constantly leaving things better than you found them. It's so very clear to see just how significant the difference is that you make. I'm not telling you this so you will get a big head. I'm telling you this so you will hopefully love you just as much as the rest of us do. You are one of those people that a person could never get over losing. Once a soul has lived life with your light, it's so very difficult to go back to the dark days without it. Thank you for being my best friend, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving me. I hope it's clear just how much I truly love you, too!

I wish we could go for another walk. Would you want to? I promise not to say anything stupid, to remind you of my foolishness. To never push you to share. I could answer any questions you may have, but I said it before, these words are useless. Sometimes you just need someone to share silence with, to be in solitude together. I could walk for miles with you that way. Hearing nothing but our footsteps and breathing. I know you'd have to slow your pace for me but we could find a rhythm. Maybe even a brief embrace of all life's curious beauty and shocking ugliness. At least we'd have each other, to make sure we don't walk too far. That we have enough strength to get back, to return to where we belong.

Hey You,

Lately, I’ve been angry. Not at you, or anyone else, when it comes down to it. I’m angry at myself. For allowing myself to feel this much, for letting my heart get involved when I knew better, and for being foolish enough to think I could keep my feelings under control.
I’m angry that I can’t seem to switch my mind off, that the smallest things can get under my skin, and that I spend so much time fighting feelings I never intended to have. I hate that something I’ve tried so hard to keep buried has found a way to affect me in ways I can no longer ignore.
I’m tired of pretending I’m fine when I’m anything but.
Lately, even the fake smiles and laughs are getting harder to manage. I’m finding it exhausting to act like I haven’t got a care in the world when, inside, I’m frustrated with myself for feeling so much and showing so little. I’m angry that I can sit in a room full of people, laugh along with everyone else, and still feel completely at odds with myself.
And the worst part is, nobody would know. I still show up, still smile, still laugh at the right moments. I’ve become so good at pretending that sometimes I wonder if anyone would notice how much effort it takes just to appear okay.
I wish I could switch it all off. I wish I could take back the moments I let myself feel too much, the times I allowed myself to hope, and every little piece of you I’ve carried around in my head when I should have known better.
You haven’t done anything wrong. You haven’t asked for any of this, and it wouldn’t be fair to blame you for feelings you may not even know exist.
But I’m angry that I’ve put myself in this position. Angry that I can’t simply decide to stop feeling something just because it would be easier. Angry that I know better, yet somehow my heart refuses to listen.
And perhaps what hurts most is that I can’t even be honest about why I’m struggling. I have to hide the very thing that’s hurting me, smile in front of you as though nothing is wrong, and pretend that you don’t affect me when, lately, I can barely stand how much you do.
I’m angry at myself for letting you become someone who can affect my whole day without even knowing it. For giving you a place in my thoughts you never asked for, and a place in my heart you may never want. And I’m angry that, no matter how much I tell myself to stop, a part of me still looks for you, still hopes for something, and still feels disappointed when reality reminds me that I’m the only one who knows this is happening.

The hardest thing about love is- that you could move the heavens and do impossible things.....yet someone will choose themselves. Whether that is drinking, sticking to old wounds, or patterns of thoughts, instead of being honest. They say they love you but dont mean it when its time to mean it. Cause it saves them from any accountability.

They take whatever they can and sabotage everything that was.

And just like that, i sit here. Empty, confused. Hurting.

I have no words for you. I had words. But, when you start putting yourself out there.... like that, there is nothing that i can do except be disregarded by you and just become nothing and be in pain.

It's true i am always in pain. But, you didnt do any better to not add to it. You made choices for me, assumed me, things you didnt like for yourself. And that action of yours is a answer in itself.

Anger is for those who are loved and who understand it. Who care for it. And i dont think any emotion is worth when someone is so far gone into themselves that itll be seen or be of any value....so naturally this the reality of love. You just love and be lost.

I am lost. Part of me screaming for you. Yearning for you. Wanting you. More than sex. More than that. Emotions feel one with me. Everything gets expressed with intensity thats graceful and gentle yet rough and wild.

I find myself breathless, lost, burning up. I want to own you...no, belong. I want to belong. I dont want to own you but be the one you see and choose. That your emotions are for me, that your vulnerabilities are to be seen by me and safe infront me....i guess i want to be the sole provider who holds the status of "hes who i am safe with" We could just joke around. Open up. Id love that too.

But all of it falls out bag when you just lose me internally....

I love you though. I am an idiot.

Since there's some distance there I feel like I can sort of be honest. Just a little bit more though. I don't know how to deal with what I feel. Not just for you but in general. I don't like feeling like this about anyone. And honestly, I don't even know what I feel. I don't want to deal with that though.

I can't even be honest. I can't be honest even in an anonymous letter that you will never see. I write the shape of the thing in a way that is so vague and relatable to most that it becomes sort of a shield. Like I don't have to feel totally embarrassed by it if people think I write well. If I entertain people, it makes it somehow worth something.

But I have honestly never just written how I actually feel. Because I am humiliated by it. Because I know you don't feel the same. I know you wouldn't and couldn't. I know this. I know how stupid it is. And still, I feel it. And I hate that so much. I do. Because it feels like I am out of control and I don't like that. It feels like I am at the mercy of whatever this is and I hate it.

So yeah, I'll just hide it. I will act like it doesn't really get to me and I'm fine. I'll pretend I'm not on this LOTR level quest of the internet to find any trace of you anywhere. Anywhere that gives me a glimpse into what I can't ask. What I want to know, truly. I will pretend I'm not hoping against all odds there is some sliver of tenderness there and that maybe you're somewhere around where I am.

I will talk to strangers and just hope it's you. Somehow. Even though I know how ridiculous that is. And if you were just the average person, you wouldn't get this. But because you're not just the average person, you do get it. And I can't know how you think about it. That the absolute kindest thought you'd have is pity. But the worst is annoyance. Anger. Like begging in your soul for me to just get over it and move on. That you would see anything I write anywhere and be like here we fucking go again. And think I'm some sort of freak or something.

And so instead of actually processing it, I try to manage it. It's just damage control at this point. Because I can't help but let it spill everywhere. But instead of being like "would you look at that mess, how did that happen?" I am quickly gathering the rags to soak it all up and toss it away. Over. And. Over again. I hate that.

I want to just say it and not feel so stupid about it. Not care what you'd think about it. And when I try to put myself in your position, I really don't know how I would feel. Not really. The closest I have is that someone left me a comment that I thought would freak me out but instead it stuck with me.

It didn't freak me out. It was actually nice. So I'm like... would you think this is nice that I think of you this way? Even if you didn't feel the same? Even if you don't really know me? Would it feel nice to know someone considers you to such an extent? At all? Or would you just be angry about it? Why am I so bothered by that part? Why can't I just process it and not care?

I feel like I am going to let it run its course, never having been honest with myself about it while it was happening. And years from now, removed from it all, I will look back and rewrite the whole thing from a different point of view. I really don't want that. I want to just say how I honestly feel right now. The most embarrassing details of all of it.

But I just can't.

Because more than my feelings about it, I'm preempting how you would feel if you ever knew.

And it's not good.

So I don't.

Amore mio, is it so hard that after all this time neither of us has the courage to do it? What if we could meet and look into each other’s eyes, and say it? Ti amo. I love you. Maybe it doesn’t change anything, but at least now we both know. Do you feel the same? Can we give this a chance?

I miss you. And yes, that’s all I can say about it. I don’t know what we were or how we ended up here. All I know is that I miss you very much.

Facing you is like staring into the sun. Light so bright that it illuminates the darkness in me. It gives me life and hope and simultaneously burns into me.

We would be so happy. I never knew how happy I could be, until I knew you.

You are insecure and bitter, and rightfully bitter, because you are so wonderful and you haven't been met with the appreciation you deserve. But insecure... you should not be. Not one thing is flawed. Only unique.

I wish I had permission to tell you all. I wish I could have your support. But I wont do it to you, I won't drag you into my complicated hurt. I will do my best to fix my life and if you in the meantime meet someone to make you happy I will cheer for you.

I am a future dreamer too, and I haven't been allowed to dream for so long because Ive had them crushed over and over. But I see you and dream, and each time I hear some wholesome and silly sentiment from you, or learn something from you, I think.... what an amazing partner... Lover.... Father... He would be.

I also have never been appreciated. And I deserve better. So I am going to do my best, brave it up, and in the end if you were just a muse, I'm grateful to have had the spark lit in me again. I hope we can both find happiness and fulfillment in companionship in this life.

Anyway. I love you. You probably would think that's ridiculous. Idk. I'm lost. I am gonna go do some self care now.

I got ya. I get it. Message received loud and clear. Its time for me to just get on and stop with this silly stupid fantasy. Over and out.

I'm tired of feeling like this.
Not through any fault of yours, one of my dearest friends and the sweetest boy I've ever met.

I hate the overthinking. Analyzing every word you say, every interaction you have with me, with others. Am I reading too much into the way you smile when we're together? How your voice seems to soften whenever it's just the two of us? (I am, I know, but foolishly I hope you'd see me the way I see you. I pray you'll never see me as anything more than a friend. You deserve someone better.)

I hate second guessing my own words, making sure you never find out how much I care for you. hoping you'll never realize how obsessed I am, how much I'd do to keep you close and shower you with affection

I hate the jealously, especially when you talk to her. She's dear to me as well, my ray of sunshine. I don't want to feel such ugly things about her.
But I still wonder if you like her better. Is it easier to talk to her? Do you look at her the way I look at you? Would you rather spend time with her instead, wish my compliments were hers?

I hate this so much, but I couldn't regret loving you. I just wish I loved you less, didn't have you on my mind every single second. Maybe then it would be easier to handle. I hope I can keep hiding this feeling until it fades so you never have to find out.
Until then, let me pretend so I can stay by your side a little longer

Is there even a "we" anymore?? Do you still even want this? I know I seem more distant and "colder" but it's only cause I'm trying to not get too attached. You used to text me ALL the time and now you seem to not care if we don't talk the whole day. Why am I even tripping over this it's not like we were ever something official anyways, ugh I don't know man I just miss you. Thats it. Bye.

I can't breathe without you..i cannot live without you..

I need you like an oxygen..

Please either come back or i wanna forget you forever..

The sad days without you go by like waves. They come and go, meet at the start and by the end. It waits for the time to drift by until the oceans meet again.

This is how water loves.

I love you the way you make me feel;I hate the way you make me feel. I was disgusting for loving you as I did. The craving of your soul. The depth of your voice. I wanted to merge with you like water crashes into itself. I wanted to uncover parts of yourself you kept hidden.

I wished and wanted. I begged and pleaded. You left. And the desire I called love turned sicker, and there’s no where to put it.

The absence of your love corrodes my heart. It devastates my soul and knots my stomach. Truthfully, it is a miracle I am still able to yearn for you.

It is a pain to be without my everything. But because I truly love you I see you in everything.

I cannot speak to you, I can’t look at you. You want me to do the impossible and that is to stop loving you but I cannot.

This must be how the moon yearns for the sun after every eclipse.

As everyone does,

one day,

I just looked up,

and gained consciousness.

Since then,

I’d just

stumbled along my path.

I’d look up,

and

see life moving on without me.

It

never bothered me much

until I met you.

You

struck me immediately for no reason.

I

tried so hard

with you

because I wanted to see

how far this would go.

And

what a heinous idea that was.

My mind was broken,

and

I shouldn’t have woken up.

But

I did.

And,

when I looked up again,

I saw you walking through the door.

I just remember

looking at you

and listening to your voice.

There was

such a warmth in my heart, that

the situation at hand

didn’t really matter anymore.

Life would continue

and I’d grown so used to hearing your voice.

So used to telling you everything.

So used to sitting by your side and just

talking to you.

Every second,

every moment,

even now

etched into memory.

I

was unprepared for

the moment when I’d look up and

you wouldn’t be there.

My mentality would

warp

and shift

and my desires

would shift with them.

I wanted

so badly

more than anything

for you to be happy.

And, it very well seems you are.

Therefore, there is nothing to discuss.

…

And yet,

these feelings

linger.

I

do not understand why.

I understand why they had to exist

why this path had to be taken

and why everything had to happen

the way it did.

But I do not

understand

why

they still

exist.

So,

with no other real choice,

I lie on my back

and look up at the sky.

I look up at the stars

and pray, faithlessly,

for you, and your wellbeing.

We’re both single. The chemistry between us is astounding. We flirt. We tease. We clearly care about each other. 

So why are we still pretending like we just want to be friends?

I miss you more than anything but I know you’re dealing with a lot right now. You’ve closed yourself off from almost everyone in your life. You’re simply going through the motions day by day and I get it, but I want you to know that I’m still here for you even if it’s just from a distance. Take all the time you need but know that you don’t have to be alone if you don’t want to be. I wish that you’d been dealt a better hand in life. It really isn’t fair and I am so sorry. I wish I could carry your burdens so that you could finally breathe again. You deserve the time and space to heal. You deserve to feel like yourself again, and you will. I know that you will. I love you. You deserve to be happy.

I ruin everything I touch.

Every space I occupy becomes a place to escape from.

I don’t know what I contribute, it all just feels like useless chatter.

I don’t know where I fit anymore, anywhere.
I don’t know where my place is.
I don’t know if I have one.

I’m barely talking to anyone, I can’t.
I can’t burden the people around me.
I isolate.

I can’t explain what’s going on, I can’t ask for help.
I don’t know if I can be helped.

I don’t know what there is to be done.
I don’t think there is anything to be done.

Some of us just aren’t meant for this world, I don’t think.

I’ll stay away, I think I just want to fade away.
When I’m gone it’ll be like I was never there at all.

I wonder if you’ve thought about me at all since this silence has started. I think sadly for me that it’s unlikely, or if you have it’s been in passing. I guess the way I feel about things is a little complicated. You were never mine, you never made promises to be mine. I can logically accept that I was always the one more into you. I certainly hoped for a different outcome. But the part that really bothers me about all this is that I honestly think you wanted a different outcome too. You did like me, I don’t think you lied to me. I wish you had faced that part of yourself more openly. That potential was always right there, and it was undeniable. I think that scared you. I find myself wondering how much of the truth you withheld. I miss you. I don’t want to consider the circumstances you may find yourself in that keep you so fully from following what you feel. I won’t deny that a small part of me hopes that you’ll reach out but I think the chance is so, so slim. I think you know I won’t even if I want to. I wish us both peace. I still think you’re great.

I think I've always been a doormat

I can't think of any relationship, friendship, or job where that wasn't true

But its not anyone else's fault that I allow myself to be treated the ways I allow

I wouldn't know how to live for myself if I tried

I still look in the mirror and don't recognize myself most days

Things are okay objectively,

But subjectively,

I don't think im okay.

Is this healing?

Or is this just what was always there?

I miss you.

There are few times of momentary freedom and release

Where there are no calls to answer, nothing to save, no one to please

Where fun and joy are listed in the menu sitting on the table 

An opportune moment to run before the retraction of the cable

So she takes them wherever she can, big or small

At this point she need not care, she’d rather feel a dose of freedom than succumb to the lowest vibrational call

The darkness has been trying to win for as long as her memory can trace

And she has an impeccable memory, but finding other’s who recall the same is rarely the case

So she spends life in a constant state of checking herself, a review of her sanity

She finds that she cries a lot- those chosen to look out for her are more considered about vanity

She’s never really cared for outside appearance 

She has always gone against the grain, used intuition for clearance

Why care about the opinion of the masses thinking

When anyone can find the universe winking

It can certainly be a curse, but definitely a blessing

It requires a lot of waiting in limbo and hope’s bandages often need dressing

Is it worth it? Yeah, it is. Do you know why?

She can’t claim the source, but she can assist when humans have are going to die

 It’s like having a line to friends with wings

Relatives, teachers, and just as great, it connects to an earth breathing king

But just like all great wishes it comes with a cost 

She often feels like everyone knows what they’re doing while she’s perpetually lost 

Speaking of lost, people often want and need insight

Her most valued, like the earth king, are with those who know the darkness she endures in tandem with the light

At birth, she was gifted one physical connection that made long term life worth living

“Here are another set of eyes, pure love, mutual soul recognition, you can use when you are lost, scared, feel you need forgiving.”

This gift has been her saving grace.

It’s an intuitive connection, a call, a knowing, her favorite voice and also her favorite face. 

I am her, so I can’t just take, I have to send back. 

So I often hold them and conjure all the strength, energy, and love that I can feel so strongly they currently lack

I know, the pressure for me felt like a levy in a hurricane

The emotional roof bound to break off, could not sustain

And through the careful use of the light, the eyes, and faith in wings

For nights I have sobbed during sleep awoken by salty stings

While waking with that heaviness in the chest

Feels contrary to good rest 

Don’t run from the tears,

they are portals,

to your guide-

Where quantum entanglement dances

the universes winks,

you remember,

the portal and guides have always been on your side

A few days after I broke up with you, I came across your post. It felt like a rare moment of vulnerability. I hope you’ve had time to reflect on how our relationship affected us both. I know I have, and I still struggle to reconcile the friend I thought I knew with the boyfriend I experienced. I wish I’d recognized the patterns sooner, maintained stronger boundaries, and trusted myself enough to walk away.

I didn’t darling. I can’t stand the finality.
I can’t stand a bed without you in it.
I know this is what you want and you’re allowed to.
But I can’t help but wish that it was me you wanted.
I wish that you felt like you were making a mistake and that something, anything had you feeling like it was possible for us to come together again.
I wish that the other night when i told you that I want to be dated, to be romanced, to have special moments like being held tightly while looking out at the ocean or the stars in the sky, or sitting across each other eating dinner and talking about heartfelt things, or going on adventures in nature or seeing the world and being able to feel that it means something deeper to this person that i am with them in these moments; that the sadness i thought i saw in you was you secretly wanting us to have that kind of intimacy between us too.
I know there are plenty of people in this world. I know that the things i long for, the love that i feel, even the chemistry and spark that exists between us when we bare our hearts and souls; none of that is unique and singular.
But right now I’m so sure that i will spend the rest of my life wishing it was you.
I close my eyes and i see a picture so clearly, you standing at the altar with a glint in your eyes, then it flashes to you standing in front of me holding a small child that is so surely yours. I open my eyes and realise that i’m seeing into the future that you want, just not with me. I want you to have it, i want to see you have it, and I will be there to watch it like you’re asking me to, but i’m scared that I will always want it to be me.
I love you forever, i’ll always be your friend. I believe in you. I believe in your dreams and your ambitions. I believe in the healing and peace that is coming your way.
Call me if you ever need me, but don’t ever, ever feel guilty or sorry if you never do.
I’ll find a way to make my heart be okay with this too.