I’m really not, and never was, interested in living. I’m not interested in anything, not in achieving anything, working, or participating in life. I’m mentally disabled, and I hate existence and how fucked up and mysterious it is to even be here, yet people seem to go about their lives normally, as if being here is just a normal thing. Even if I had all the materialistic shit in the world, I wouldn’t be happy because my problem is with existence itself and the fact that, to end it, you have to experience physical pain. Like, fuck this.

After failing to kms so many times in the past, I'm so tired. I just wish I could die in my sleep.

my birthday is coming soon I can't wait. I'm gonna be free 🎊🎉

CONTENT WARNING: suicide ideation, hopelessness and loads of negativity. Sorry gang 💔💔

Before we continue: no I don’t have plans to hurt myself. Sure ideation exists, but I that doesn’t mean imma act on it. Let a girl have her 1/4 life crisis 🙏🙏 (cant say midlife crisis bc im not even there yet lmao)

TL;DR: Life doesn’t appeal to me or seem worth it. I’m not doing anything that would improve my life because I’ll just off myself at some point because I can’t stand the idea continuing this life and growing old.

I (F22) am waking up 5 days of the week and putting 40 hours into a job I LOATHEEE. Hate the company and the people I work with. But everyone does that so I know that’s nothing special. I still live with my parents and I’m saving money. For what? Nothing in particular. My life is technically good. I mean- when considering other people’s lives, yeah I’d say I live a very privileged life. But I’m not happy. At all. Some would even describe me as miserable. Can’t say I’m happy to be awake or living.

I have no idea what I want to with my life. I should look for meaning, a purpose or something. But honestly.. life just doesn’t appeal to me.
- People, especially those with college degrees, are having trouble landing a good paying job

- Housing and renting are ridiculous expensive

- Generative A.I is rapidly expanding and data centers are being built

- The Earth is slowly dying, and the data centers are definitely not helping

- There’s a literacy crisis happening in the US (unless smth changes, the future generation is cooked)

- The US government is becoming unapologetically facist

- Multiple genocides that have been happening for DECADES

There’s a alot of shit in this world. But there are also some good things in life. Ig I’m choosing to see my cup as half empty. I shouldn’t hyper focus on the bad stuff, but I can’t just pretend that life is not heading towards are dark path and everything will be alright. I don’t think I was built for living or being human ngl 🤷‍♀️

I think the reason why I don’t try to get help or make any attempts to improve my life is because a part of me has accepted I’ll just kill myself eventually. I have no intentions of living past 35 or reaching middle age soo… yea I have that going for me. I can’t stand the idea of watching my body and mind deteriorate and having to be a burden on my family and friends. I REALLY hate the idea of growing old.

I also have no intentions of find a partner or having children. None of those things appeal to me as someone who enjoys my solitude. Unlike many, I can’t use that as a reason to keep going. The thought being a grandma?? NO THANKS.

Ig you can say I’ve given up on myself and use excuses that allow me to sink further into my misery. Ain’t nothing like self sabotage amirite?? 🤣🤣

So yea gang idk what to do from here 🤷‍♀️ kinda stick in limbo. It’s either I subject myself to this bleak existence or have the guts to off myself. But I can’t do that to my family so errrmmm. Yeah. Can’t subject them to more trauma.

I failed in this life and I’m sorry to my parents who brought a pathetic excuse of a human into existence.

Everyone and everything is insane. All of life is a bunch of lies and suffering. I dont understand how this is the reality we ended up with. There is no words to describe it. I dont know how I didnt do it earlier. This society is unlivable

I know thats vague as fuck but thats it. I aint got more to say

Ever since Covid I have not been the same I’m in my 30s and moved back home to try and start my own company and really make a go at following my heart. I’ve worked in customer service my entire life and tried to change my situation so many times but could never get ahead. The worst part is I never made time to find someone and the older I got the harder it has become. So now I’m sitting on my couch in my child hood bedroom thinking about RJ Mitte and how I feel completely alone. All my friends don’t reach out and they never really did and even my own brother everyone is busy with their lives.

Now that I am back home it really put everything into perspective and I found myself creating again but with a different channel. I’ve built a company and I’m finally seeing some success but also it’s shown me those that never actually cared about me on a deeper level. I’ve always liked computers and music and something told me to leave it all behind and pursue this dream. At the same time I’ve never felt more alone and isolated now that I am back in my childhood room. I wish I knew why I feel this pain this extreme anger and sadness.

I guess I’ve realized that RJ Mitte he reminds me of myself and it breaks my heart because this world really is evil and something is wrong with how people are to each other now. We pretend like it’s ok but the truth is people are struggling and I can remember life before iPhones and this massive shift. It truly feels like those that are awake realize that collectively humanity has sold themselves to fulfill a void with technology. Nothing feels real anymore.

I intentionally through my life away after having it all. Because I was miserable having it all so I was like what’s the point. Now that life’s even harder for me with a felony and I’ve done a lot research on it, I’m contemplating jumping to my death. Not because it’s the easy way out necessarily but because all I want it peace. I’m sick of this rat race, I’m sick of this country, I’m sick of not being good enough because I was dealt a shitty hand in life. I’m sick of seeing everyone have it so much easier. I know that struggling supposedly builds character but I just don’t have the guts to keep going. After 25 years of just existing I’m just over it. I don’t want to survive for another 50/60 years. I just want peace. If I get peace fantastic if I get a different life it’s got to be easier than this. I just feel done. Does anyone have any evidence of what happens in the after life? Would it hurt if I jumped? Would I feel it even a little bit or would I just be out like a light? Would I get a life review and a chance to see how life would’ve turned out if I stayed? If I’m suffering in this life, and say lack empathy for others, would I have empathy and love in the next life or at least be supplied with the tools I need to succeed in the next life? Even if I were to repeat this type of life again, I at least would hope in the next life to be equipped with the right tools to succeed, like loving parents for starters. You can only handle so much beating down before it gets too much. I’m in the process of writing my will and leaving my money and such to my best friend but I know that once I physically the will that’ll give me the license to die. But I just want to be prepared first. Thoughts?

Hello, I am a person living in North Africa, specifically in Algeria. I was born into a conservative Islamic family and I am 19 years old. I suffer from very difficult social and personal circumstances. Living in a conservative Muslim society, while I am essentially a non-religious person, poses a arduous challenge for me.

No one knows that I am not a Muslim, and if I were to reveal that, I might face abandonment or threats, which could even reach the point of murder by my family or people neighboring me. Living with them means adhering to their Islamic rules, such as talking to girls or going out with them being portrayed as a sin or disgrace in my society. In addition, I am forced to go to the mosque and pray despite myself... Furthermore, I am poor and do not have a job despite my severe need for money in my university studies. I suffer from symptoms of severe depression and loss of passion, in addition to being afflicted with extreme obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). I can no longer tolerate it, I want suicide, I did not choose to live like this, I just wanted to live as a human being.

I'm too tired and empty

I hate living. The world sucks. My body sucks. I suck. I want to die.

I just want to commit suicide. So badly.

I’m just a waste of oxygen, waste of space, waste of human resources even.

If that wasn’t true then my parents would’ve cared when raising me. Now as an adult everything is somehow worser than what I thought it could get. Im lonely, I have nobody to talk to, I can’t get a boyfriend (as a non binary person), to save my own life, everybody wants me DEAD.

I so badly want to just kill myself, but cutting keeps me company. Cutting lets me feels when I used to feel; joy, peace, a physical presence of something being present, instead of the hollowness of my pathetic existence.

Nobody who cares exists. They all disappear and won’t want to be around people like us because we’re dehumanized all the time. Nobody has ever cared about what ive been through as an abused person.

I think I might end it soon. Might just walk out into traffic or something. My mom has told me twice that she doesn’t care about me anymore. She threatened to punch me in the face today and the other day she threatened to shoot me in the head. I just don’t see the point anymore. My own mother hates me. It’s devastating.

I’m 34 and I’ve seen what life has to offer and it sucks. I’ll never be financially stable. I’ll always be dirt poor because I’m too sick to work and don’t come from money. I’ve been isolated for years since I left my ex. I live alone and every day is just a new crisis. I had to basically beg my power company to not shut off my utilities the other day because I was reading the bills wrong and I didn’t realize I owed so much money. I just don’t have the bandwidth to keep worrying about these constant crises. Like what am I even doing it for exactly? just so I can continue to suffer?

They say get help, and I am. I’m in an intensive outpatient treatment program right now with regular therapy, etc. I’ve been dealing with treatment resistant depression since I was twelve. Even if I did become financially stable, I would still be suffering with my disease.

Sometimes I don’t even feel real. Like today I tried to reason it away and say it’s because of the gloomy weather or not having the best sleep last night, but honestly, I’m just tired. I’m tired of the stigma that comes with being mentally ill. It’s honestly embarrassing enough to make you want to end it.

Yes, a lot of people are extremely kind to me and are trying to support me. I know I am not alone. But that does not cure the disease.

I want it to be over.
I want to be free.

This isn't the life I pictured when I was younger.

Life isn't a fairytale after all. No damsel in distress, no Prince Charming coming to save you. Just you, trying to survive a life you never imagined would turn out this way.

I'm trying to be strong, but my facade is slowly crumbling. I keep asking myself, am I bad? Do I deserve all this? I don't know anymore. I'm barely holding on, and the rope I'm clinging to is slowly breaking.

I don't want to just survive. I want to live, too. But lately, even that feels impossible.

If you're reading this, I hope you're holding on better than I am. And if you're not, I hope we both make it through.

On October 31, the day of the celebration of impermanence I plan to take my life as the ultimate symbol. I feel so excited by it. I think I’ve done all I want to do besides get out of this psych ward. I’m not depressed anymore, quite the opposite really. I want to fulfill my purpose. It feels like there is something greater for me beyond this life. I don’t want my psychiatrist to know as last time she labeled my thoughts mania and psychosis. That isn’t what is happening now even if it may sound like it. I understand to the outside world it seems irrational. But I do not believe so. I really feel like something special rests beyond these walls, this life. I’ve been trapped for too long. Maybe I’ve been confined so much in this life as everyone knows I’m different. Ever since a teenager, I am not like others. I only finally understand this year my purpose. Everything is impermanent and I choose not to attach to myself or this life.

Here is a prayer
Deep within the still center of my being, may I find peace.
Silently within the quiet of the grove, may I share peace.
Gently within the greater circle of humankind, may I radiate peace.

Take care all and goodnight🪷

I've been suffering with agonising pain/discomfort in my esophagus/chest for almost two years now. Every day I wake up to the pain, and it's been whittling me down day by day. I have a condition called EoE. It's awful that this is the sole reason I want to kill myself. Because I would really love to keep living, but it's just too much torture for me to go on like this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I am at my limit. I have been trying to get IHSS from my county for literal months now, and they have been making it hell. I'm about ready to tell them that they can take their services and shove them because I have had it. If I keep fucking going around with them, I'm going to end up back in grippy sock vacation, and I can't afford that because my final is in a month and a week from today.

I'm also tired of the "distract yourself" coping mechanism because it only works for so long. I live in the States. There are school shootings on the daily, black people are being killed for sport, Native Americans are being targeted by ICE, people in the American concentration camps are being raped, and a whole bunch of other atrocities! I cast my ballot earlier in the week, and all I can do is hope, but I'm even losing that because I know the truth.

People don't wanna admit it, but the only way to fix any of the American shitshow is by revolting and building from square one, because this shithole of a country was built on racism and sex trafficking.

The only thing keeping me on this fuckass planet is the fact that I know that nobody will be there to care for my mom if I were to actually try anything. But I'm so fucking tired. If I didn’t have strep throat right now, I'd scream.

First post here so I apologize if I break rules. I just want to vent.

I feel useless in my family's lives. My boyfriend has said he hates how he gets made fun of because of me and his dad doesn't like me. I'm failing school. I have no job or car. I'm a disappointment to everyone around me. I don't see the point in really being here anymore. I'm 18 and I can see how someone would say "your life is just beginning" but I don't see that. It's a struggle waking up everyday. As soon as I wake up I already feel like killing myself. I do self harm but I haven't attempted yet. I feel it happening soon though. I even think about what I would say in the letters to my family and friends. It's honestly kind of scary.

I just want to die. I can't take being alive anymore. I wish I was never born, living just isn't worth it if I'm stuck being miserable. I'm only 17, I know that's young, but I can already see the way my life will go. I am lazy, have no skills, and I am worthless. I look so horribly ugly, I pity anyone who even looks at me. My personality is shit that I feel bad for anyone who has pretended to be my friend in the past.

I hope one of these days I just die in my sleep.

Everything ive done for the past 5 years has been fake, none of it is me

I never cut up my left arm

I never fought wi the my brother or got kicked out of the house

I never posted those stupid lewd shit on the internet

Every social interaction, every thought or action, everything, its all not me.

Im just trapped in this pointless existence, sapped from any potential true meaning.

I just want it end.

I got unlucky, sure. This shit happened and now i dont exist. Why dont i deserve the luxury of ending it? Why must i slave away without any real potential for any meaning in my life?

I would give the world for someone to just shoot me in my sleep- do the work for me.

Im not even complaining about the fact i never got a chance to live my life, all im asking is to die, its not asking a lot.

I feel like I’ve just been living through bad karma ever since I ended my long-term relationship. I’ve tried everything, praying, therapy, reflecting, apologizing, trying to find comfort in being alone. Nothing seems to be working.

All I want is someone to call my bestfriend and they feel the same way. I always go out of my way for other people, check-in, put effort to seeing them, but that never feels reciprocated. I am so so so tired of trying. Everyday feels so depressing to have to live through. I feel like I deserve this. There’s just not one easy way to let your life go.

it makes me sad to see so many lost souls like me. I have an apartment and nobody will check in on me.

I know this. I got my noose prepared and have made a few attempts at it already today. making adjustments.

I do not know what I am expecting writing this. Something else to do between laying down, sleeping and that noose+pull-up bar.

today I thought of taking the money I have and travelling to a place where I can easily acquire a drug or gun. If all else fails I will use my balcony.

If you know someone is struggling please be kind. My father was not.

I adore talking with people, connection makes life! It’s such a source of enjoyment for me. I’m also the most misanthropic person I know! little silly isn’t it. But I don’t think it’s a terribly uncommon opinion. I would kill everyone on the planet including myself if I could. It’s just, seeing all the things people do in this day and age where it’s so easy to access and it’s so sensationalized how do you manage to ever not hate the human race? This is like the most lukewarm take ever I know but i’m just ranting. People always talk about going back to the old days and saying they were born in the wrong generation and while I do think that’s entirely dumb I do understand. It’s not as if these things like rape, abuse, genocide, etc, happened less, they probably happened more but it’s less sensationalized. You don’t see it as much when the internet doesn’t exist. I think what gets me the most is that people are so desensitized. Honestly? Rape and pedophilia has become such a norm, you hear about it and you just move on, no shock. A youtuber is a pedophile? Typical day. My president is a rapist? Typical day. It’s so silly. And so revolting. I’m sick to my stomach thinking about it but also i’ll be fine tomorrow, I just move on. Can’t do anything about it can I? I’ve never understood the trope of toxic masculinity. Be a man, Don’t have feelings, Be attracted to women, Be buff, Have a deep voice. It’s like more and more they’re putting themselves into this little depressed bubble where they have to conform to everything or be outcast, and when they do that, they’re not especially happy, they’re just in their bubble. They shame, demean and outcast anyone whose outside of it while trapping themselves in that tiny little bubble. And what do the outcasted people do? They either conform and be sad or they take what they can about themselves, create a new bubble and shame the outside. I think that’s wholly the problem with the left and right in the states and people in general. The right shames people for identifying in any manner that’s not of a 1950s straight white man or a woman whose only job is motherhood and childbirth, and the left secludes themselves into little bubbles, shaming everyone they don’t see fit. Gay people calling Bi people slurs. Queer people, calling trans people pedophiles. It’s all just so disgusting. That’s just people. People are so disgusting. Philosophy into one of the most well known and talked about topics ever but what am I to do. How can I ever feel right living with myself when this has just become the norm for me? When I can hear about a girl getting raped and think about how I heard the same story 5 times over on the same day and now it’s just expected. Disgusting and expected. Is the goal to ignore it? Ignorance is bliss and all. Would that make me feel better? Knowing terrible things are happening but it’s like totally hashing my vibe so I don’t want to see it? I couldnt do that. I also despise apolitical people. When you’re part of the lives of so many people you choose to not only not get involved but actively ignore it? “hey man I’m really depressed about our political climate and how my president is inspiring an attitude to kill me and my community on the streets”

”um I don’t really get into politics but that sucks man!!”

its all so silly. Any tips? How are you all doing today?

If anyone wants to drink with me tonight i’d be happy to go out and buy some drinks and we can chat. I’m feeling quite bored honestly and I think everyone here could do with a fun chat every now and then.

Editing this post as I fail to sleep as my little nightcap journel because I don’t want to take attention away from the people that could actually use it and i’m just thinking. hmmmm. I think the word woke is an embodiment of everything i’ve thought about with the delusion people put themselves in and the demeaning they do to shame anyone who doesn’t conform. What does woke mean exactly? I’ve seen it used as a way to describe being gay, being feminist, having dyed hair, Writing about oppression, Talking about oppression, What is it? I think it’s become a catch all term thats just used to put people down. Why is talking about gay people woke? why is woke a bad thing then? Why is making a book about the history of black women woke? because they were oppressed and now theyre just shamed like the other people that were shamed? Why is making a gay character in fiction woke? Its shoving it in your face? It all gives very…. “I know gay people exist but I don’t like them so if I see them it’s woke and bad!”. It’s all just so silly to me. Woke has become a word to scrutinize people for talking about oppression or having an identity, or expressing their culture in their art. “politics should stay out of art” is also silly. Politics is the heart of art, It gives art soul. Do you just want Ai meaningless pieces that don’t share any opinion whatsoever? or is it exclusively if it’s about your opinion? Art has always had politics

offer to chat is still up I could do with an excuse to drink tonight and Im not doing it just to scroll twitter

Also anyone catch up on any good media lately? books, manga, movies, youtube essays? Ive been quite dry as of late

Also yes I know it’s is coming from a very bias point of view but having bias is part of being human. Bias is built from your own human experience, it’s made form into who you are. I think that also a terrible thing. It makes it so opinions and perspective you’ve ingrained into you become such a part of you that you would rather live with it and delude yourself than believe otherwise, even given proof. I think that’s just being human. It’s tragic. I mean that’s why flat earthers exist dont they? They have it so in their heads that the earth is flat that even with the insurmountable proof that it’s not, they can’t let themselves believe it. It’s also why I find debates silly. Debates aren’t for convincing, theyre for rallying people who already believe in your cause specifically. Alls to say, people suckkkkkkk man

Does this count as journaling? I think all those predatory self help books would applaud me right now

I think it’s sometimes just the way you were raised. Toxic masculinity isn’t a genetic trait, it’s inherited. From the people around you and from your culture. Religion is too. I think religion is some of the most common examples of this. I have absolutely nothing against religion. I’m athiest but honestly I think religion is awesome! well.. I think the idea is awesome. To have a belief about the world and a community to share it with, to have traditions and people. But then you really see what religion has been used for over the years and what it’s used for now. It’s another way for people to control and manipulate into creating a common enemy. It’s like… It feels so obvious to me. But i’m halfway decently educated and despite growing up in a religious home, it wasn’t ever pushed on me. I understand my own bias and I understand that for someone raised differently, something like having god, your family and all your traditions linked with a hatered for gay people.. It’s not their fault they were born into that. Does that make it excusable? To shame, belittle, outcast someone because they’re not fit to your conventions? I can understand circumstances, I just can’t excuse anyone who can do that without seeing the disgust of it all.

You know what gets me the most? The thing that makes me the most mad? Everyone who thinks like that, to them, they’re in the right. They don’t feel shame or hurt at what they’ve done. Sure they can be terrible people and eternally depressed and angry because of their bubble they put themselves in but they won’t feel the same as when you get tortured for wearing fucking crop tops as a man. It makes me so fucking upset. The hypocrisy. The pedophilia protected in the culture. They voted in a president known for being a pedophile and a sexual assulter because he promised lower taxes. But the people who are the pedophile are trans people. God. And i’m not saying there aren’t trans pedophiles, but they didn’t vote in a FUCKING PRESIDENT. I just can’t. I use they as a word replacing the right wing but honestly it’s not even just the right wing nor americans it’s just people. I hate people so much. How can I have friends I love so much and ever feel good knowing they’re living in this terrible terrible place. How can I ever stand living in this terrible place?

I wish that wishes were real. This isn’t an american right wing left wing problem, it’s just a people problem. Everyone just sucks so much. People just suck so much. Which is a shame because I really do or did -haven’t decided yet- want to live. I love hearing people talk and I love rambling I wish I could do it more but my heart just isn’t in it anymore. Im just so tired and burnt out. I don’t want to be numb, but I don’t want to constantly be angry either. Is there a middle ground? If it’s ignorance I would rather die.

How many edits is that now, I think this makes 10. I really do wonder if this is healthy. Considering the sub Im leaning towards a no. It’s 1:18 am here now. How are y‘all doing? I downloaded depop recently and it’s just like real life thrifting. everything is completely generic and from hot topic but after 2 hours of scrolling you find a gem from an unknown brand no one’s ever heard of. If anyone has some taste in fashion, what do you like?

I really do wonder, if I went back in time. If I lived in an age where the internet wasn’t real, would I be happy? Would I still have these feelings? Is ignorance really what would make me happy? I don’t know the answer to that but even if I could I don’t think I would. I just couldn’t live with myself making that choice now, even if I would never know about it. I just can’t stand the thought that at some point I would cease to care. I want to live I do but life is hard enough as it is. My thoughts being riddled with these people and these injustices and these stories that happen every hour is sickening. It’s all so unbearable.