At 40, I was a high-functioning professional when I had an ovary-sparing hysterectomy with a mesh implant. I woke up with pelvic pain and having to bear down to pee. My concerns were dismissed. Within six months I'd lost my job and become addicted to drugs, and over the next five years I was institutionalized several times. Meanwhile, the mesh eroded and migrated, causing chronic nerve pain. Eventually my bladder had to be rebuilt, and I now have an artificial urethra. When the mesh was finally removed 12 years later, I sued and received a pittance.
My mind became insidiously agitated. I was hyper-irritable, raging, and miserable to be around. Doctors brushed me off, told me it was in my head, and kept handing me trauma diagnoses. I did so much therapy. It didn't help.

Now, after 17 years, I started on HRT and back to my happy-go-lucky self. At first it was amazing. I was so happy to be happy again, to wake up without that sense of impending doom and ceaseless negative head chat.
Then reality set in. I hurt people I love with years of mean, passive-aggressive, vindictive behavior. My stepkids, now adults, have only known the post-surgery me, and I'll never get back the years we could have had. I'm making amends to my husband, kids, in-laws, friends, and family, but I carry a lot of guilt and shame. I look like the person they've always known, but I'm not her anymore.
I'm also grieving my career and the woman who never got to enjoy her 40s and 50s. Those years were so dark, a constant fight with myself, when suicide felt like the only option that made sense.

Has anyone else come out the other side and started rebuilding their life? How are you dealing with the harm you caused when you weren't yourself? Are there trust issues people experience with you that you may relapse back to the Queen of Mean? Is forgiveness possible?
Thx so much for reading and sharing 🙂

Wow. I gave them an honest 3 weeks. I crashed and BURNED!!! 🔥 🔥🔥

Frustrated, I decided to research quitting HRT-cold turkey-wondering what have I gotten myself into? I mean, what's the point of being given a golden ticket if pharmacies are forced to change your manufacturer due to supply and demand?

CONTEXT: My HRT journey started with generic Minivelle ~aka~Grove/Noven Therapeutics. I experienced Nirvana. Narnia.

My insurance then approved a 90 day supply. $0 copay. Let's go Walgreens! I read the box: "Mylan". IDK? 🤷‍♀️ It's only my 3rd month on HRT. Score! I'm set for 3mos.

...or am I?

3wks later...I. AM. GOLLUM.

I hate it here.

Had to drive 30mi to pick up a single box of Grove/Noven Therapeutics Patches. The pharmacy was unable to fulfill my new 90day Rx.

😑 #onedaywomenwillmatter

Girls honestly I've never felt so undefeated in all of my days. Menopause has just wrecked me this month. I was coping ok, hanging by a thread maybe more like but this month is something else.

I'm still bleeding I've had two this month. I'm so bloody drained.

The last three days I've had headaches from hell.

My f%$#&g bra has become so uncomfortable. Anything touching my skin just drives me up the wall. The itching is unbareable. I literally took it off in the middle of a shop and let the girls hang loose. 😆

I'm crying at everything. 😭

My joints hurt like crazy!

I've never had heart burn in my life and I've had it mostly at night when im in laying down. I don't eat anything out of the ordinary and my diet is fairly clean.

The brain fog! I'm forgetting words and things.

Every single person is annoying me. I HATE people. I just want to be left alone. 😒

I'm anemic and my ferritin is really low. The iron supplements don't do much of anything. I feel like im chasing my tail and never really get on top of it. I'm not eligible for an iron infusion.

My Dr is a waste of space she doesn't care. She keeps banging on about the coil after me telling a hundred times. My body doesn't tolerate it. I'm sensitive to so many drugs they make me so ill. She doesn't seem to have any other option. I've already changed Dr's the last one was even worse. I'm trying so hard to do this naturally.

I feel so depressed and low 😔

I literally sat in fron of Dr last time and told her I was so depressed and and she just ignored me and started talking about something else. 😳

Please tell me I'm not alone in this. Any advice would be truly appreciated.

My employer is kicking me off my health insurance plan because of where I live. Even though I have always lived here. The plan they are trying to offer me instead of the one I’m on is a ghost network. It looks like they have providers in network but they don’t. I don’t qualify for subsidies on the marketplace plan and I’d have to pay at minimum $700 a month for a really shitty plan that doesn’t cover much at all.

I am single income. I’ve been carrying around medical debt all year. I can’t afford any more debt. My family lives close by and I’m going to have to move away from them to get another job with benefits. I won’t get to see my niece and nephew grow up. I will have to move to a state where I don’t know anyone or have family. I will have to sell my house and probably never be able to buy another one.

My boss who knows I’m stressed out about not having insurance next year decided to start telling me I need to work on time management this week when I don’t have issues with time management. I I feel like she is trying to get me fired. I don’t know why she is treating me like this when I bust my butt every day at work. It’s like I’ve done all that for nothing. I’m full time W2 and they are getting rid of my health insurance. I turned down so many jobs over the years to stay with this company and I’m not even fully vested in my 401K. It’s so ridiculous. How can someone be so heartless that they have to kick someone when they are already down?

I also was diagnosed with adenomyosis this week. Along with disc bulges in my neck. Shoulder issues. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea this year. All this and I will have no health insurance next year. My HRT is going to be way more costly. I feel the best outcome right now would be for me to fall asleep and never wake up. I have nothing.

It’s literally every single tag but brain fog is the worst I think. Idk they’re ALL so bad and I’m also very mean and my mouth is extremely dry and I have no appetite. I’m a young mom and only 31 and this is killing me.

Edit: WOW I didn’t even see the hormonal therapy flair 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ I feel like this all day 👁️👄👁️

Also please support my subreddit r/tooyoungforcancer cus

I need help

I’m 58, been in the peri and full on menopause for about 15 years now. Recently I cannot get enough red meat? Is it just me? I can’t even eat seafood anymore

I didn’t have my period for 206 days. I was only a handful of months away from finally being in menopause. The last time I had it, it had been 195 days since my last period. It’s sooooooooooo frustrating to think that this has got to be my last period since months pass by without one and then BAM! I’m 53. My tubes were tied at 23. I haven’t needed to have a period in 30 years. I’m so ready to be done with this forever. But nope. On the bright side, getting it randomly twice a year is better than every month.

I love so many of the posts in this group. So much support, information and inspiration.

And I can feel like a medical fraud. A little compare and despair. Like look at all these women who have no problem going in for their medical care and taking positive charge!

The truth is I have done a ton of work on my anxiety but I'd love to hear from other's. Is this just me? Are their others who aspire to see a provider or do screenings but keep avoiding it. Is menopause the thing that kicks us into action? What's helped or you wish was better?

I've come a long way, but still sometimes feel like I'm the only one who has to purposefully work on it. My primary doctor is great and has worked with me beautifully, but when I need to see someone else or do a test I often think they are looking at me like they've never seen someone who has to take time to calm their nervous system on purpose.

I realized tonight after 12 am that I need to order more estrogen patches. I’m so very annoyed. What’s worse is I was at the pharmacy earlier today picking something else up.

Hopefully, my pharmacy can fill it quickly. They’re usually fast, and there is a current prescription. I just didn’t put the patches on auto refill.

Thankfully, they’re open 7 days a week.

Grumble.

Just want to share this because I've gotten so much good info from this forum. I just had my well-woman annual gyn visit. Based on the info I've read on here dealing with low testosterone symptoms, I asked for my level to be specifically tested. I knew something had to be wrong with me. Just got the call with the results and the nurse described my t level as so low as to be "not really detectable." They are happy to send a 90 day prescription to a local compounding pharmacy, since that is the only way it can be done where I am. It will start low and my bloodwork will be tested again in 90 days to see how it's going. It won't be covered by insurance, but she said it shouldn't be very much to cash pay. We'll see about that.

Fingers crossed the results will be worth the hassle.

I’ve only seen women post about hair loss/thinning.

Had a few days of spotting, confirmed post meno. I am 53. Have a pelvic/vag ultrasound Monday and I'm reading that based on results, some women have had an endometrial biopsy after that. My doc hasn't suggested it, just wondering if she does so I am prepared. What's the honest pain level and do they take a long time?

I am a 56 F, my LMP was a year ago. Needless to say as my cycle left, so did desire.

To me, this feels super painful. I don't feel as alive. Some of my friends joke that they're happy to see it go. But to me, it's depressing.

Does anyone know if it naturally, organically returns at some point on its own , or is HRT the only cure?

Has spontaneous recurrence of libido ever been studied?”

I am wondering if it's possible for a box of patches to be bad or go bad. I keep them in the humid bathroom. I'm asking because all of my joint pain is back, I'm fatigued, brain fog, etc. I'm not sure why. I put a new patch on two days and no relief at all.

I saw a recent post about this, but comments were closed. I'm awaiting the doc's callback, but my best docs always recommend getting online too.

Last night I was so excited (!) to start HRT last night—0.025 mg estradiol patch and 100 mg micronized progesterone.

I have lupus and Sjögren's, along with some other autoimmune/autoinflammatory conditions so I'm already dealing with significant fatigue, brain fog, and other challenges. Regardless, I was hoping HRT might finally help with the added misery of menopause.

But no! Instead, I slept nearly the entire day! I kept trying to get up, falling back asleep, had blurry vision (it was resolved the 3rd time I woke up), missed work, and couldn't function normally. It took about 16 hours to function again. It doesn't interact with my other meds. I usually intermittent fast, but I ate late last night, so that probably didn't help. This was an extreme reaction, though, for someone who already struggles.

Has anyone found a less-sedating alternative to this type of oral progesterone? I still have my uterus, so I'll need protection with estrogen. Wondering if anyone had luck with vaginal progesterone or a different progestin? Or anything else? I'd rather avoid an IUD.

I'd really appreciate hearing any advice or lessons learned. I did read through the responses from the post 12 days ago and saw some real nightmares, and know that many people have abandoned this method because of side effects. I just don't want to give up altogether after one dose, especially if there's another option. The patch/pills were a game changer for my sister, but she doesn't have autoimmune diseases. I really expected the same good outcome.

Update: I got a telehealth for 1st thing tomorrow morning. All of the comments are providing a good list of questions. Thank you!

What are we using to get a drop of dopamine fun in our day? I need pick-me-ups beyond HRT and pot.

I just found spicy (Thai red curry sauce) helps, yeay!

I got an IUD 5 weeks ago to stop the “periods” I have been having for 10 months. It was ridiculous. I’m post meno and have no eggs so my doctor said the bleeding wasn’t a true period, the estrogen replacement was just making my uterus angry. Anyway…

I was taking 100mg oral P for nearly 3 years and never experienced any of the calming effects that others have. I had Raging insomnia, impatience, blah blah. I tried 200 mg for awhile but it just made me more emotional and my boobs were killing me and I was horribly bloated.

Fast forward to the IUD. I’m still taking the 100 mg oral P, but OMG the change since the IUD is amazing. My insomnia has almost gone, for the first time in my life I am relatively calm, can talk myself out of over reacting to stupid shit, don’t rage nearly as much. The doctor said I could stop the oral but I’m not sure I should? It was clearly not working so maybe I just needed a different delivery method? I guess I could try for a few days and see how it goes. I don’t want to lose this feeling!

Hi! I am looking to see if anyone on the Combipatch had it work for 6 months and then got hot flashes back. Also have a lot of rage. My dr increased the dose and said to try for 2 months. Also, my dr had told me before going on the Combipatch that the rage would not be helped by HRT. Any thoughts? Thank you! 😊

Hi

For anyone who has had post menopausal bleeding and a thickened uterine wall (9mm) was increasing your progesterone successful in thinning it? I'm really not keen on a mirena.

Thanks!

Hi! I'm sorry if this has been addressed or seems obvious or silly, but there's so much conflicting information online and with doctors.

Does everyone eventually need a hysterectomy? Like, welp, it's time to yeet the beast, let's go?! I know almost all of my female relatives that are older than me have had it done. Even my mum asked if i was thinking about it, and my gyn is a big cheerleader for it. Every visit, "any thoughts to getting one yet?"

I don't know what I'm so scared of, I just don't like getting surgery unless absolutely necessary.

I'm on an E patch, progesterone, and the E cream which I love (not the mess obvi, but the benefits)!

Thanks for any insight 😊

After dealing with what I now know is a covert malignant narcissistic, for 12 years, I’m finally done! Should have left 3 years ago after I was driven to a mental breakdown and was hospitalized. I’m 46 and have already hit menopause. My autoimmune system has been compromised along with many other health issues. Earlier in the marriage I put up with a lot and let him push so many boundaries that I’m ashamed of. The disrespect had became my new normal. I was psychologically conditioned before I could figure out what was happening to me. I cared so much about pleasing him and his validation of me.

Fast forward to my mid-forties, I have so much more clarity and confidence. The scales are off and I’m done with the mental torment and torture. I had my final straw break in May. Now currently waiting on the divorce to be final. It has been painful going through the withdrawals but I also know at this stage in my life, I’m able to get through this better than I would have before. I couldn’t see myself without him. Now I’m beginning to feel peace and freedom with him gone. Can anyone relate?

For those of you who suffer the most with muscle skeletal syndrome as your main symptom.
Have you used the gel, patch and then moved to oral?

I can’t use gel, well estrogel anyway. I haven’t tried devigel. With the patch shortage I have discovered the generic brand is an absolute no go. I had to nearly double my patch dose from .1mg to .1 + .05mg to get any relief.

I’m seriously considering using the bio identical pill if my doctor thinks I’m a good candidate and it is safe for me.
But I’m curious, for those of you with debilitating muscle skeletal syndrome, has the pill helped more than anything else? Or made symptoms worse?

For reference I am on 200mg P and also on testosterone gel. I have been on estrogen for nearly 2 years. I can’t deal with the ups and downs of the patch shortage. It sets me back for days. My body completely ceases up.

I started vaginal estrogen cream this past March after having 11 UTIs in the last 2 years. It was like magic! Worked really well and I've been UTI free until now. This is my first since starting and I'm nervous that it willl start the cycle again. To the ladies that have this issue, do you still get occasional UTIs even with the cream or is this a sign that I need to increase dose or frequency of use? It's been 8 months since my last UTI and if it's just an occasional, every 8 month thing, I can handle that. I just cannot go back to what it was before.