I just wanted to put this out there to see if anyone had a similar experience. I had really bad dysphoria around my chest before top surgery, and I figured I’d wake up after and just feel instantly better.
The night before surgery my dad called and told me I was making a huge mistake. My mind had already been made up, and I’ve heard it a thousand times before, but it still didn’t put me in the best mindset.
After surgery I was in a binder for 2 weeks, but took it off to shower. There was a relief that it was done, but seeing my chest with drains and surgical glue and everything felt so uncomfortable I hated looking at my body. On top of that I lost a lot of muscle and gained a little weight, and have body image stuff on top of dysphoria. Whenever my mom asked “are you so happy with your results?” Or “are you so happy you did it?” Of course I’d say yes, but I also didn’t feel happy and I didn’t know what was wrong with me.
That feeling didn’t fully go away for months. For the first month I was terrified I made a mistake, which made no sense to me because this was all I wanted since I was 13 years old, and had spent the past 6 years binding and taping and hating my chest. I started to feel little bits of excitement when I got to wear a tight tank top or low button down, but seeing the big red scars on my body just made me feel so weird.
Anyway, now I’m 4 months post op, have gotten all my strength back and am starting to make new gains, my scars are obviously still prominent, but not fresh looking, and I love my body (at least my upper body). I look in the mirror and I feel like I finally look how I am meant to.
I just wanted to write this in case anyone post op shares the same feeling, to say that it’s normal, or at least something someone else has felt, and for me at least it wasn’t something that lasted at all.