There is so much to type - I don’t know how to make this short. Our 12th anniversary is a week away and today he tells me he is done. Our kids are 7 and just turned 9 (two days ago). I homeschool the children, have given up my career for the family and was happy to do so.

We have struggled for years. He left the children and I almost 5 years ago and honestly, we never healed. Tried a few marital counselors but never for more than 2 sessions. I asked him if we could find one- one that really fit - and give it our all for 6-8 months. After that time re-assess. He said no. He says we already tried that (even though I disagree, as 2 sessions is not trying).

He is now walking around the house giddy as a pig in poop. Sending me mediators, telling me he wants to work this out, he is going to continue taking care of the kids and I and that he gives me permission to go stay with my family on the east coast. I have nobody here, not a single friend or contact. I can’t do this alone.

I am not trying to point fingers, but darn this hurts and I can’t keep it together in front of the kids. He leaves tomorrow to travel for work for a week. I don’t know what I’m looking for out of this post, but I am heartbroken. I won’t miss him, but I will miss having a family.

Well guys. It’s been almost year since we started separation to divorce. And we have started the process of reconciling in the relationship. We both had separate relationships through this. Her’s ended way before mine. Mine ended about a month ago. We both are still taking the time understand what we want in life moving forward because we are young (early 30s). We’ve been married 10+ years and have kids. We both are now offering each other grace and understanding. I don’t know if this good feeling will last in order for us to figure if we really want to stay together but for now I’ll take it. I really thought there was no way back but somehow light has emerged 🔥.
I know not everyone gets this moment in their divorce so I’m just hoping for the best.

CONTEXT!!!:

We matched on a dating app. During that week, he asked me out and we had a really good dinner date and 3 other days spanned out within the same week. He cooked for me and was very communicative even if he was busy with work. He planned dates. On the first date, he told me straight up that he has a 4 year old daughter and has been divorced for 4 years. I took it partially. Until a week later, he turned completely cold to me and told me that he couldn’t be consistent with giving me affection and he can’t offer me what I really need and that it will only get worse. These are this own words. I was confused. I did my research. I found out that his wife filed for a divorce in July this year and he just appointed his attorney yesterday based on the legal document I found. I couldn’t help but wonder. If we were still together today or say if he reached out to me one of these days, what should I do.

I am in the process of getting a divorce. I am hurt, devastated, relieved, worried, and happy. We were married for 2 years together for 6 with a 1.5 year old child. Having a baby really showed me everything I was ignoring. Things that felt weird to me but I couldn’t place why so I wrote it off as my own issues. He would put his mental health into my hands. Ask me for reassurance in moments that I needed his support.

I had my first and only child last year. The pregnancy was hard and the delivery was worse. I was exhausted and sick all the time while still working my physically and mentally stressful job in a hospital. I could no longer cook due to the symptoms and he didn’t cook either while he was working from home because “it felt like another chore.”

I had a three day labor and a c section in which the epidural wore off during it and I was screaming for help. He says it was just as hard for him because he had to watch this happen. I was in the hospital for almost a week after due to my preeclampsia and I could not meet my son (he was in a children’s hospital. But it was just as bad for him because he had to drive between my hospital, the house, and the nicu where our child was. I wanted to visit as often as possible but I was not cleared to drive so we only went every other day because he didn’t want to drive everyday. He would constantly ask if I resented him for not going more.

I hadn’t slept through the night in over a year while taking care of the baby and still healing from a C-section while also working 10 hour days at a hospital but it was just as hard for him because he had the baby when I was napping on my day off. I wrote it all off until I started falling asleep at work. We tried couples therapy (after I convinced him to go) and we had 1.5 sessions together before he said the distance between us was too much for him and we started the divorce process.

He makes more than me and offered money to help me but then would get angry and threaten to not give it to me when we fought. During an argument he told me I was getting “really fucking brave” with how I spoke to him. He painted me as manipulative and abusive to his friends. I wasn’t a great wife this past year but I almost died in childbirth and I hadn’t slept through the night in over a year. I needed more support and I never got it. I feel more rested being in my own apartment than I ever did together.

Sorry for the long story and thanks for reading!

TLDR: I got out of a bad relationship and I’m devastated for what could have been.

Curious if people have interesting reasons that their family, friends, or even they just don’t fully understand, but you still knew it was the right choice?

So my (36F) son (9) told me this evening that his Dad (38M) told him I am stealing the house from him and this huge big sob story about how he has to find a place to stay in a year (he is staying at his moms until then). I had no family or friends I could have moved in with and had only part time work when we separated bc our youngest (3) started day care a couple of days of week in March). I haven’t asked for child support or alimony and have been paying all the mortgage and bills bc I felt bad he left the family home and so he could start to save.
He told them when both are in the car that he would have to start working in kitchens again and probably wouldn’t get to see them as much because I stole the home?!? Not to get into the legal stuff too much and I haven’t talked to a lawyer yet (I know I really need to) but I know and he knows that is not how things work. The house has very low mortgage and is a prime spot to our children’s schools and friends and they were born there. We will likely refinance the house and he will get a big chunk. I’m not stealing the house. How can he think that is appropriate to tell a 9 y old and 3 y old?! He has a history of covert manipulation, a complete inability to take accountability or responsibility for anything, gaslighting and emotional abuse.
I told the kids that that’s adult talk, I’m not stealing the house and everything is going to be ok. I can’t communicate with him rationally but I hate knowing he is smearing me with lies to the kids.
So happy to be leaving the emotional abuse but I hate that my kids have to be subjected to this kind of behavior.

My husband and I have technically been separated for ten months. I ended things when I was about halfway through pregnancy, told him I’d be leaving but that we would still live together for now since I would be giving birth to his child soon. I am completely done with the relationship for reasons I’m not going to go into detail about but pretty much he has hurt me so many times and I don’t trust him anymore and I just have no romantic interest in him in general anymore. The baby is now seven months old. I could leave if I wanted, I have the financial ability, everything is in order that if I wanted to leave, I could. However, the thought of split custody just makes me absolutely sick, I can’t imagine going days without seeing my child now or in the future. However,I also miss romantic things, I’m not ready for a relationship by any means, but just having the freedom to flirt if I want would be nice. I can’t do that because no one knows we’ve spilt up except for a couple close friends, neither of our family’s are aware. I’m scared of the judgement I’ll receive for leaving him and I’m just overwhelmed by everything. He sort of feels the same way as me, he doesn’t want to see his child less. I would rather pretend we’re together to the outside world and live with him just so I don’t go without my daughter. But it’s been so long since I’ve felt desired.. sometimes I just miss that. Ugh.

My(37F) husband (38M) recently filed for divorce, and I’m still trying to process how quickly my life has changed. Just a few months ago, we adopted a puppy together, and I genuinely believed we were building a future as a family. Now I’m preparing to move out of our home, start over on my own, and figure out whether I can realistically keep her.

Our puppy, Mila, is almost five months old. I adopted her from a shelter when she was nine weeks old, and I’ve poured so much love, time, and energy into raising her. She’s been attending puppy day school, is fully crate trained, and has made incredible progress. I absolutely adore her.

The challenge is that I have a demanding career that requires frequent travel, sometimes up to 12 days a month. When we adopted Mila, my husband and I shared the responsibility, so my travel schedule wasn’t an issue. Now he doesn’t want to keep her, and I’m left trying to figure out how to manage everything alone.

My parents have offered to care for her when I travel, and I can explore daycare, boarding, and pet sitters.
What makes this especially painful is that Mila represents so much of the life I thought we were building together. I imagined us buying a home, raising her, and having this little family. I never anticipated that just a few months later, I’d be facing divorce and potentially having to say goodbye to her, too.

There’s also the financial toll of all of this. Throughout our marriage, I was the primary financial provider and covered not only my own expenses but many of my husband’s as well. Now I’m facing the costs of divorce, attorney fees, moving, furnishing a new home, and essentially rebuilding my life from scratch.

On top of that, keeping Mila would mean paying for daycare, boarding, pet sitters, training, and veterinary care, especially given how frequently I travel for work. I’m fortunate to have a successful career and be financially independent, but that doesn’t mean the financial impact of this divorce isn’t significant. I’ve already carried so much financially, and the thought of taking on even more expenses during such an uncertain time feels overwhelming. I love Mila deeply, and I don’t want money to be the deciding factor, but I also need to be thoughtful about my own financial future and stability.

Part of me thinks I should do everything possible to keep her because I love her so much. Another part wonders whether I’m being selfish if my lifestyle means she would spend a significant amount of time with other caregivers.

I’m also aware that I’m grieving the loss of my marriage and the future I thought I had, and I’m worried about making another life-changing decision while I’m still emotionally overwhelmed.

For those of you who went through a divorce with pets, especially dogs, how did you navigate it? Did you find a way to make it work as a single owner? Did anyone make the difficult decision to rehome a pet, and how do you feel about that decision now?

I would really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar. I’m trying to make the best decision for both of us, and right now it’s hard to know what that looks like.

I've had divorce in the back of my mind for YEARS but I don't want to hurt him, our kids, and our lifestyle. However, it's getting to a breaking point. I have chronic anxiety and now I'm missing my period due to this chronic stress. I cannot believe that suppressing this knowing is actually causing menstruation issues, it's INSANE to me. I didn't know where to turn to see if other people ended up having physical symptoms before splitting. Is this normal?

We’ve been separated for 10 months. We have a 3 year old and a 17 month old so we have been spending a fair amount of time together throughout the separation. I was starting to feel ok just a bit sad here and there but since she broke the news I feel like I’m back to the beginning. I’ve spent 4 days crying. I feel so awkward at the thought of being around her or even my children now(they live with her and I have custodial time two weeknights and one whole weekend day each week.) I just hate this. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m just venting. I don’t know what I was hoping for out of this post.

My husband (38M) and I (33F) have been married for exactly 2 months. Every time we get into an argument he throws up divorce. Is that normal? Should I take him up on his offer and just annul the marriage while it’s still early or should I stick it out? I just don’t like how he brings it up as his first line of defense but I’m already tired of it.

My husband told me he wants a divorce in June of this year. It hit me out of nowhere and I really don’t know what to do now. We’ve been married 8years had our ups and downs but I thought we were happy. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he has his mind set on it. He says he’s not seeing anyone else. He won’t have sex with me anymore. We used to have a great sex life we both will admit to that. But now nothing, I haven’t gained weight or anything. I’m 5ft 120 pounds still have curves. I don’t know what I did to make him stop wanting me? At this point I feel like I’m bagging him to stay. I’m 40 what am I even going to do when he’s actually gone? I’m already lonely now.

Kindly, no DMs to chat or flirt 😞. I’d appreciate keeping discussions in the comments. Thank you!

My husband and I are both physicians (I’m a resident, he’s an attending). We’ve been together 12+ years and married for a few. We met young, spent years long-distance, and were deeply in love.

Sex was frequent initially, and he actually had the higher libido. Things declined about eight years ago, and for the last three, we’ve had sex maybe once a year. I have a normal libido and consider myself attractive and in shape, so feeling unwanted by my own husband has been painful and confusing.

I tried initiating and wearing lingerie, but he’d usually cuddle and fall asleep. He said initiating felt like pressure, and attributed our lack of intimacy partly to ED and feeling criticized. He still masturbated, explaining it was easier and relieved stress.

Our marriage wasn’t loveless. We kissed, cuddled, went on dates, and genuinely enjoyed each other. He’s a sweet, gentle man who supported my accomplishments, but often seemed exhausted and emotionally withdrawn.
I also carried most of our household responsibilities throughout our training. When I became overwhelmed with residency and felt unsupported, I grew resentful and sometimes snapped at him towards the last few years. I recognize my shortcomings and have apologized. I suggested couples therapy, but he didn’t think we needed it.

Last October, I reached my breaking point and initiated a separation. He genuinely tried to change, and we continued spending part of each week together, but I struggled with why it took me leaving for him to try. By January, I asked him to move out.

We agreed we could date others (mostly my idea, since he’d been my first and only partner) and revisit things in July. I later dated someone in the spring and experienced great physical chemistry, but the relationship wasn’t emotionally healthy. It made me appreciate my husband’s kindness, stability, and friendship even more.

By July, I wanted to give our marriage one last chance, ideally a 3–4 month trial. Unfortunately, my husband was now unsure. He says he’d held out hope until May, when his feelings changed. He still loves me and isn’t ready for divorce, but wants time to see whether his desire to reconcile returns.

We began having lunches, dinners, and occasional sleepovers, but he remained emotionally guarded. I stopped dating others, assuming we were focusing on us, although we never explicitly agreed to exclusivity.

I eventually discovered he’d been seeing another woman. When I initially asked, he denied it. After noticing secrecy with his phone, I looked through it (which I know was wrong). He first insisted they were friends, then admitted they’d kissed and eventually slept together.

I’m not upset he dated, since we’d agreed it was allowed. What hurt was the dishonesty, and admittedly, knowing he’d slept with someone new so quickly after years of rejecting me. He says she made him feel wanted after feeling inadequate in our marriage, that he doesn’t love her, and that he plans to end things regardless of what happens with us.

I told him I love him and want to reconcile, but can’t essentially date my husband while he’s involved with someone else. I asked for no contact until she’s out of the picture and he’s genuinely ready to try. He seems to be moving toward ending things with her and possibly reconsidering us.

He’s been my best friend for most of my adult life, and I’m terrified of losing someone I love so deeply. I’m equally afraid of returning to the same dead bedroom and resentment. I’ve done considerable individual therapy and am willing to pursue couples therapy, but he hasn’t shown the same initiative.

Has anyone left a dead bedroom despite deeply loving their spouse, only to regret it?

Has anyone successfully rebuilt sexual intimacy after years of little to no sex?

If your partner initially fought for the marriage but later became unsure, did giving them time help?

TL;DR: Left my husband after years of sexual rejection and feeling unsupported, despite deeply loving each other. He initially fought for our marriage, but I was too resentful to reconcile. Now I want to try again (after months of therapy and reflection), but his feelings have changed. I’m scared of losing something rare, but equally afraid of returning to the same problems.

Divorce just became reality for me today. And the person who was my purpose for 7 years said she can’t see me as anything more than a friend anymore.

There was a lack of affection in our marriage that started due to my high stress around work. I love her so much, I just had nothing in the tank when I got home.

I tried to express that but I know that even if that’s true it’s not fair to her.

I was trying so hard for so many years to work and uphold the life that I was planning for us to grow old together. It’s that very work and planning that ruined my marriage bc I forgot to live in the moment as well.

I’m just so lost bc I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do tomorrow. Why I’m supposed to go to work? What’s supposed to be my purpose now?

I never envisioned my life with anyone else since I met her. She’s been my focus and I thought I was making her my priority but when work and stability became the thing I would chase to ensure a long term relationship, I ruined it and ultimately took her for granted.

I thought that we made vows, and we could work things out after a fight. I thought we said sickness and in health and that that meant mental illness as well. She has her own issues and I thought “yeah this is really hard to deal with” but I never thought “I don’t love her like that anymore”. I’m just so sorry and lost and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to plan for now. I’m not sure how you’re supposed to rebuild. Or how to even have something rebuilt that matters again. Or how to trust or fall in love again. It just feels impossible.

I feel horrible. Numb. Scared I made a mistake. She wanted to try asked if I would consider. I said I didn’t want to try. I know I don’t because I wouldn’t want to divorce if I wanted to try.

After several phone calls and consultations, I have finally found an attorney that will be a good fit. I bought a new phone and started moving all my bank accounts and logins to the new phone number for two factor authentication.

The biggest mental obstacle that held me back? I started and ended a business during the marriage, and I made very good money for those few years. I had a hard time accepting that my business earnings were "community property".

Why, you might ask? Well, I'll explain. I got no mental or emotional support from him at all during my graduate studies or during the four years I had my business. When I brought up the idea of going solo as a case manager, he told me to "keep my day job" and said that "no one will take your seriously." Then when I was successful and making six figures, he said I had found "lightning in a bottle" and that I "got lucky". When I told him how hurtful those comments are, he said, "Well, do it again and change my mind."

When I chose to go back to school for my Master's degree, I got the same backlash. He refused to converse with me at all about school-related topics because I was "being indoctrinated by liberals" at Ohio State.

Coming to terms with splitting my hard-earned business income with that was incredibly difficult.

He comes from a Christian Fundamentalist background. I am not religious, but I had parents who were believers, so I had a different idea of what a "Christian" was versus what his faith dictates. I was ignorant to what Fundamentalism is, and I learned the hard way that this branch of Christianity is one in which women are not seen as equals. The household is to be run by the man. The woman's "job" is to be a nurturer and raise the next generation of believers, not go out and earn a Master's degree and start a business. I had to fight him tooth and nail to further my education and pursue my career goals.

One major red flag I missed in the beginning was when he would tell me that I don't need to focus so much on achievements. He said, "Isn't it enough to be loved and desired?" It sounded innocent enough, even flattering (at the time), but all along, it was a grooming tactic. I was "supposed" to grow into the the role of nurturer and homemaker and "let the man lead".

I reached a breaking point early last week. My 12-year-old son from a previous relationship was outside playing with a friend and came home 10 minutes late. To me, ten minutes is not a big deal. It wasn't dark outside yet. I got called a b**** and a c*** in front of my child because my husband said I am "disrespecting him."

Never again. I cannot wait for this divorce to be finalized.

Hi,

Unfortunately, my husband (age 60) and I (age 54) have been in a rough spot for many years. I have thought about divorce but wanted to get our kids through college.

I recently overheard my husband on the phone saying that he’s had two visits with a new financial planner (different from the one we’ve used together). I did not know about these meetings. Then he told the person on the other line that he’s planning on retiring in February/March of 2027. This was all news to me.

I confronted him and expressed my concern about him retiring now. We have one kid in college and another who is a senior in high school. Our house needs some major repairs including a new roof, deck, and windows. The conversation did not go well and he thinks it’s fine to start drawing off his 401K.

Now I’m really leaning toward a divorce. Here is my question. Will I have to pay him alimony if he retires now because he’s not working? Or does the judge take into consideration that he chose to retire early, leaving his family in a financial lurch?

I make slightly more than he does, about 50K more a year. I provide the health insurance for the family. Our 401Ks are roughly equal. He bought a house into the marriage but my inheritance from my parents went into the joint account so we should be equal there too. I have a government pension coming when I retire.

I'm still wrapping my head around things, and the paperwork is moving slowly. Any advice, help, or general support would be greatly appreciated.

No kids, no real assets, and she now identifies as a lesbian, with a girlfriend and everything.

Once you found out and had proof…and did you try to “fight” for your spouse?

Any advice is welcome but i just needed to get this out i guess. I have limited personal support. All i have is my mom and shes 6 hours drive away.

Well, i decided to give up. I wanted my marriage back. I wanted my husband and for children to have a father but ive hit my end because of how he treats my kids, mainly our son. My son is neurodivergent and my husband is rough and intimidating with him. My son has begged to stay away and flinches when my husband speaks to him. I caught my husband on video gripping my son up by the face and it hit me so hard i was furious and my heart broke. It became clesr no matter what conversation ive had with my husband that he doesnt understand the effect hes having on my boy. My heart is broken. I spent every dime i had bringing our family back together. Now it is back to being a single mom of 3. Im so angry and heartbroken...but also relieved.

I started writing down a list of everything he says to me that hurts me. And through talking about it with my family, they all have told me to get out of here. I’m 22F and still married to my 26M husband, but the arrogance and narcissism of this man reeks, and I’m so done with it all.
Yet despite this, we both broke down last night and opened up more than we ever have in this marriage. Something felt like it changed, like it shifted. Like there was still a glimmer of hope.
I woke up next to him this morning confused as to how to feel. He’s hurt me in such a deep, profound way that I’m unsure I’ll ever be able to heal from what he’s said. But we shared such a sweet, intimate moment with each other last night that made me feel like none of his hurts mattered anymore. I hate being a woman sometimes. I hate my hormones and how deeply I feel things. hate feeling so conflicted like this.
Here’s the list of things he’s said to me a couple days ago. Everything below was said within 1 conversation:

- The way he’s been interacting with me the past few years has “eroded away” (his exact words) who he truly is.
- I told him what I was willing to do to make the marriage work, and when I asked him, he said “Existing within it and doing what I’ve always done. Taking care of the house, the finances, you, planning stuff for us, etc. The basic stuff that a guy should be doing in a relationship.” (He’s been okay with the housework, great with the finances, but hasn’t planned any dates without me pushing him and initiating the planning. And while he does provide and protect me, I feel completely emotionally neglected and abandoned. He does chores, cooks dinners, etc, but rarely asks me how I’m doing or goes out of his way to make me feel seen).
- Said that it’s “really hard for me to open a door once it’s shut again.” It’s hard for him to reach out to me and want to be with me and spend time with me since I’ve been struggling in my consistency and lack of initiative (look at my other posts for a deeper dive on this). He says that that stuff made me less of a wife and less of a good partner, which in turn made him less willing to be a good partner to me because he’s tired. He is now so jaded that he doesn’t really care anymore. He’s fine with maintaining the status quo because it’s good enough.
- The thing that stung me the most? He said he doesn’t feel like going out of his way to make me feel good in the relationship anymore.

And now on to what he said yesterday. Again, all of this was said within 1 conversation:
- He said something that hurt me, so I sat on the couch with my head in my hands and started sobbing. He put his earbuds in and started doing chores. He then said, without looking at me, “what’s the deal?”. I scoffed, but asked “do you always care about how your actions make me feel?!” And, I kid you not, this man goes, “Nope!”
- When I finally opened up and told him that I just want my husband to notice me hurting and to come sit down and ask me what’s wrong versus just talking to me while he’s doing something else, he said “I can do 2 things at once, you know.” But when I tell him that I don’t feel cared about when he’s multitasking, he says he doesn’t care.
- Said he literally cannot afford to think about me/consider me before anything he does, because if he did, he would feel too weighed down. I could understand this if it was little things here and there, but I’m talking like he doesn’t even throw his trash away at home unless I ask, and he rarely asks me what I want to watch. He said he doesn’t want to have to sort through my emotions before making a decision, and that he needs to be able to make the right decision immediately when needed to do so.
- He holds me to his standards as a wife, but he sees himself as above the majority of society (more on this later).
- I have a phobia of vomiting and he compared my growth in it to the growth of a 19y/o girl he’s in a group chat with. This said girl had gone through a really traumatic experience, and was able to push through a movie scene with that experience happening. But I still get panic attacks from time to time when I’m feeling nauseous. This bothered me so much. When I told him that it hurts to be compared to another woman, he said “well it’s not like I’m comparing ALL of you to her, it’s just this one aspect”. I tried to tell him that me and that other woman are two strangers with completely different upbringings and lives, he said that his point still stands.
- He’s very blunt and just says it like it is. But sometimes, that hurts. When I said to him that truth without kindness crushes, he said “get stronger”.
- He said that he sees the extent of my need for emotional affection as weak. Like I shouldn’t need as much as I do. I don’t really feel like I need THAT much, but he makes me feel like I do….
- He said that he wants me to take care of myself in most cases, but is there for me if I need him. Yet I’ve been trying to go to him when I need him and he brushes me off.
- It’s disturbing to him that his friends understand him better than I do.
- If someone notices a blind spot of his and points it out, he takes it into consideration, but only fixes it if he seems it’s necessary.
- He’s set in his ways and knows what works.

And here’s the cherry on top. A few weeks ago, he told me that he had a revelation. Here’s what he said:
“My confidence, borderline arrogance, is a part of me too. I'm leagues above the average person in multiple ways, but I suppress it to be polite. I need to embrace it more. I need to use it more, allow it to bolster my ambition. Not that I'm gonna develop into an egotistical dick overnight, I just. I allow myself to think too little of myself too often.”

I want out. But this has been my longest relationship ever and I’m scared to let him go. Ugh

So anxious. I just want to talk about it.

I'm divorcing overseas and suing for custody of my sons. Courts here often reject the first attempt at divorce if one party says they want to reconcile, which my spouse might do just for the mandatory 6 month delay before I can file again.

I can't sleep. I'm stressed out. Still at work full time and parenting full time under the same roof.

Help me out, guys.

Today I came to the realization that I need to divorce my husband. We have 2 children together; a kindergartener and a baby. I’m on maternity leave.

This has been building up for a long time. And looking back to before we had kids, I now see lots of red flags and times I should have left. But now we have these beautiful boys. I’ve been scared to put them through a divorce and have them live in 2 separate homes. I’ve been scared of how it will impact them. So I’ve been letting things slide in my relationship, and I convinced myself that I can pretend everything is okay so that our family can stay together. But today, I realized it’s not sustainable. And I can’t live like that or have my babies see me live like that.

Our marriage has become so hostile. If I keep my mouth shut and never complain, and if I never express what is bothering me, then things are okay. But I can’t keep walking on eggshells. The minute I express my feelings, he becomes defensive. And I have tried doing it calmly, respectfully, and speaking in “I” statements. It doesn’t make a difference. He never truly listens to me… And in his defensiveness he yells at me, talks over me, swears at me, calls me names. He walks away and leaves the convo, and never comes back to repair or to try and have a calmer conversation. He does not go to that extreme in front of our older child. But he has done it while I’m holding our baby. And though he doesn’t get to that extreme when our older child is home, he still will raise his voice at me, swear, slam cupboards, etc. in front of our kindergartener. Today my breaking point and “aha, I need to leave” moment was when we were talking about his work. (Background info- he is a chef. He is on salary and makes tips. But it’s a mediocre salary and most months we are just getting by. He works A LOT. And for no overtime. In the last 14 days, he’s had one day off. I’m tired of solo parenting, solo house caretaking… for no overtime pay, doesn’t feel worth it to me. He actually made a lot less tips this week than usual, even though he worked overnight one day for a catering. He is passionate about this work so he doesn’t mind doing it, but to me it feels stupid. Stupid to work this much for such little pay. And to miss out on family time for such little pay. He says he has no choice, this is what the job takes. But it feels like he has poor boundaries and can’t say “no” to the owners when they book too many events. And like he has high expectations of himself and how his staff makes his food; he wants his menu to be “perfect” and he wants to be a “great” chef.) I’m so tired. Taking care of 2 little kids on my own. I love them so much. But I’m married, and I’m lonely… he is never home. So this morning, when I found out he made significantly less tips after the week he just worked, after all the suppers and bedtimes he just missed, yeah I was upset. I told him he can’t work 6-7 day weeks anymore because this is ridiculous and not worth it. He got upset back… he raised his voice at me. He was swearing at me, accusing me of not supporting him or understanding. While he was mad he kicked over our baby’s high chair (our baby wasn’t in it. I was holding baby.) he started slamming cupboards shut. Slammed his fist against the counter. I started speaking calmly and tried to bring him back down, and I told him I’m not mad at him I’m mad at the situation. I couldn’t calm him down.

I noticed our kindergartener went into his room. I followed him. My husband was still in the kitchen muttering and slamming around. My child’s eyes were big, tearful, and he looked scared. He said “I don’t like when you guys have mad talks”. And that was when I realized… I need to get the f out of this marriage. My husband came into our son’s room, looked at him, and said “sorry. I have feelings.” (Whenever I’ve tried to confront him about his angry outbursts, he claims that he’s “not allowed to have feelings” in this house.)

My husband has never been physically abusive toward my children or I, and I know he never would. And his angry outbursts are always at me, not our children. But I can’t keep doing this. Since our baby has been born this has happened more frequently. Babies are stressful. His job is stressful. But it’s not an excuse for him to have outbursts like that. And I don’t want my sons growing up thinking it’s normal to behave that way. My husband thinks he’s “breaking the cycle” because his parents used to beat him, and he doesn’t beat our kids. And his parents yelled at him a lot. So yeah, he’s doing better than his parents, but it’s still not enough.

I used to think I could be a buffer, and be my kids safe place while my husband acts this way. And I also believed that staying with him would help me protect them better, because sharing custody means that he would be with them alone more, and I don’t know how well he can parent when he’s under the kind of work stress he is. That worries me. We live in Canada and I know that courts almost always favour 50/50 custody. Not only would it make me sad to be away from them, but I would also worry about them while they’re with him. Would he get that mad without me around? And then our children have no safe/calm adult to turn to? That scares me so much!

I by no means want him to have no custody- he has bonded with them both and they need their dad. And when he’s good, he’s great. But he’s not good right now.

In Canada, does court take spousal emotional abuse into consideration? Can I fight for 70/30 custody? Anybody have this experience? How do I not mess up my kids during divorce? My kindergartener is so sweet and sensitive and I know this will shake him. Also, we don’t have a lot of money. How can I do this without going into debt?

Also… my husband always says he loves our baby, but that he hates babies. Because they are hard. He gets really overwhelmed with our baby when he cries. And he can’t handle it very long. He’ll start saying things like “I fucking hate babies. Go the fuck to sleep.” While holding him. So I take the baby from
him when he gets to that point. I’m worried about shared custody while our baby is little. Because I wouldn’t be there to take baby from him in those moments.

Sorry this was so long. There’s so much more background to our relationship problems that I couldn’t capture here. But this is the main issue for me. We’ve been trying couples therapy but he’s so disengaged, it’s getting us nowhere.

Leaving abusive husband

It’s so hard. I have been applying to jobs since my youngest was born which was 9 months ago. Had a couple interviews but never heard back. I don’t have a car but once I’m able to buy one I plan on leaving. Might be stupid idk. There’s no way I can go without a car. I’m the only one that take our kids places.

Tips on getting a job? And tips on getting a decent/cheap car with bad credit? I’m fine if I have to finance it.

My wife (24F) and I (24M) got married earlier this year in April. We met 3 years ago at the job we both worked at when we were 21. We started dating pretty quickly and pretty sooner after that, I was driving the opposite direction to work every morning just to pick her up and drive her so that she didn’t have to ride with her mom. (She had her license, but she hated driving, so her parents wouldn’t drive her everywhere). Well, now I drove her everywhere. Fast forward, we got engaged, spent two years engaged at her request. 5 months before we got married, so December 2025, she asked to move back into her parents house. I told her my concerns, but she assured me this would be better as her relationship with her mom has gotten better, and we’ll have so much more space over there. We moved, got married a few months later, honeymooned in Japan (our dream vacation) and after we got back, we agreed to stay in her parent’s house for a bit longer while we recoupe our funds and get ready to move out. We hardly ever fight, but one night about a month aho we argued, and her parents inserted themselves in our argument. Ever since then, her parents have set up tons of cameras around the house, and one right outside our bedroom door that I’m sure can hear things they should NOT hear. We’ve discussed moving out, looked at apartments, but she’s recently been very depressed. She says she doesn’t feel like herself anymore. I’ve offered to help on all kinds of ways, she refuses everything. I’ve also been a little depressed living in her in law’s house, so I went out, looked at apartments alone, picked one and applied. Because she is an adult who would be living there, she needs to fill out her information. She refuses to. She tells me we need to talk after work. She gets off work, doesn’t show up. I text her worried, she’s at dinner with her parents. Fast forward to when she gets home and I come to speak with her: her dad are sitting on the couch in the dark. She doesn’t say a word, her dad tells me that his daughter is unhappy and wants a divorce.

I asked her where this is coming from and she says she’s been depressed, she’s sickly, and weak. I tell her I try to help her, get her out of bed, I’ve offered get her a therapist/counselor, but she refuses. I’ve tried to move us out but she refuses. She then started to get very mean out of mowhere. My wife has always been loving, kind, and incredibly patient. She’s never insulted me. Well, she started hurling insults at me and saying I don’t provide for her. I was stunned. I’ve always provided for my wife. She said she expected to be moved out by now. Meanwhile, Im trying to move us out and she refuses. She says I don’t provide, meanwhile I’ve paid for the honeymoon, the absoltuely gorgeous ring, so much extra gas that I never even worried about because it was worth it to bring her comfort. Then she starts to tell me not to throw those things in her face and “I thought you did those things out of the kindness of your heart, not to throw back in my face in an arguemnt” and Im just stunned. Lost for words.

We were fine. She goes to dinner with her parents, comes home and wants a divorce. I havent spoken to her without her parent’s presence in days. Ever since this all started. She’s a completely different person than she was 3 days ago. I don’t recognize her. I think she’s being manipulated by her parents. Sorry for my poor sentence construction, feel free to ask me for more details and I’ll explain. There’s a lot… I don’t know what to do but I’m trying to figure it out.