..... Do you ever just watch their glaze-eyed meat puppet fumbling about, imitating being human, and feel so BAFFLED that you married this??

That's my rumination for tonight.

Goodnight all.

I didn't want sober him to die. I wanted the drunk him to die. Now both are gone and my hope for a future with him is gone.

My Q is currently in hospital. They took themselves to rehab who sent them to hospital because they were suffering from detox so badly. They've been there 3 nights, 4 nights since they went to rehab.

While there I said this is the longest they've gone without a drink all year. "Oh a few weeks ago my work had this thing to raise money so we didn't drink all week. I didn't tell you". No that didn't happen. This is just a bullshit lie because you feel guilty.

I'm so tired of this. Come Monday the hospital will check their blood and if they're better they'll be sent home. They have to rebook for the rehab but don't want to go.

I just know they'll be drinking again in no time. I give it 24hrs once they get home. They still don't seem committed to actually get sober. They've done so much damage to themselves that they couldn't even walk the first few days of rehab and currently need a walker.

I was in love with an alcoholic for 6 months. When we met 2 years ago he was sober after his 2nd Dui. It didn’t work out the first time, after 8 months, then I didn’t hear from him for 10 months. Until April when he reached back out. And was/is heavily heavily drinking. From day 1 we had insane chemistry. So I was excited to reconnect in April. It took me a little bit to see how bad the drinking really is, and why he was sober sober for 3.5 years. Anyways, he always wet the bed, drank from 11am-3am; 30 pack a day, only sober at work, which he calls off a decent amount. His house is like a recycling bin, he has thousands of cans saved in his basement. He always threw tantrums, slammed doors on me, was pissed when I wasn’t there when he wanted, called me all hours of the night to cry and bitch and moan, blow up over text “wtf do you even care”, asked me if he could watch porn when I was down there. Had a gun by his bedside loaded, I slept on the couch a few times, mildly scared hed wake up, thinking im a stranger and kill me. Basically a man child. But I kept going back, because I thought “oh its not that bad”. Well, this week I snapped said you treat me like shit, lie to my face about who your texting, dont make plans with me , you just say “can you come over”. And he has ignored me for 5 days now. I asked for my stuff back and have been ignored. For someone who “loves me”, kinda is bullshit and true colors. There is a lot more that went on. Always gaslit when I would say something was hurtful. Hed act like im imagining it when im sober. Im 28, hes 35. Just feel drained and dont know where to go from here. It’s not even a breakup if he just ghosts me. But im in a lot of sadness and sitting here wondering if hes gonna text back/ why am I even wishing that. I know that wasnt the real him who was mean af. Feel so down and like wtf. Vent over 😔

She entered treatment on 10/11/25. She just celebrated a year clean & sober. She attends meetings regularly, checks in with her sponsor almost daily, works the steps and tells me anytime she's feeling the least bit triggered. Her sobriety has benefitted her (and me) in every way. '26 has been her best year in decades.

For me, I've learned to stop living in crisis mode with my head on a constant swivel. The constant anxiety of what I'd come home to has subsided. Worrying from one day to the next what might/could/would happen has all but disappeared. I tell her daily how proud I am. She expresses her gratitude for my love and support every day. We're both healthier, happier and our marriage & relationship have never been stronger.

Al-anon has helped me tremendously. The community and support have been life changing. The program works if you work it.

Hello all! I'm new here, with a problem that may seem all too familiar in this community. My name is J. I'm posting here because I'm concerned about my friend, whom I will call by the pseudonym, Layla. About three weeks ago, I met Layla at a bar. She was drinking alone and I thought she was really cute, so I sat with her and chatted with her. We talked for over an hour and found some things in common. Thing is, I'm a recovering alcoholic, and she is a not-even-close-to-considering-recovery alcoholic. I'll keep this short.

Layla has been through A LOT of trauma. Like, stuff only a licensed professional would know how to handle. As a result, she drinks a lot, and often. I didn't realize it was a problem until our second encounter. One night, we were in her car and she swerved and I said "man, you're drunk" and she turned around and kicked me out of her car and made me uber home. I know, I should have called it quits right there, even before I decided to get in her car after she'd been drinking.. but I feel attached. She messaged the next day like everything was normal and so I figured it was. But things are not normal in her life. She came over last night drunk. I told her I would not drink, but she said shes sad to be drinking alone. I let her peer pressure me into having a few sips of a beer. We watched a movie and cuddled and actually had our first kiss, which Im not very proud of since she was intoxicated. I wanted it to feel special when it happened. That felt more like a playful little "whoopsie daisy" moment, as she caught me off guard.

Overall, I'm just stuck. I know this person is really bad for me, and as dearly as I care for her, I realize the timing isn't great. She is going through a lot and she needs to face it and admit she has a problem before she will be willing to make a change, and I do not anticipate that day is coming soon. So my question is, how do I break away? Tell me the things I need to hear to make it easier. I care for her so much and I know the best thing I can do for the both of us is go separate ways.. but I just need a little push

Edit:

I woke up the happiest camper. I don't have time to respond to you all individually, but I'd like thank every single one of you. I've read all of your comments and I will continue to read them throughout the day. Never left for work in such a good mood before lol.
To answer a couple FAQs:

Why was I at a bar? I am a graphic designer. I have a contract with the owner of the bar I was at. I was there on business.

Did I grow up in a chaotic environment? Yes unfortunately, which is where my attachment style stems from and why I latch so fast. It is very complex.

Did I break my sobriety streak? I had already broken it a few weeks prior to meeting her. I do not have a sponsor at this time. I am jumping back on the wagon, yesterday. This comment section has helped me reflect and remember why I quit in the first place. Im dropping her AND booze without even saying goodbye.

Thank you all so much again. 🫶🏻

I'm an adult living with my parents and sister. I've never drank alcohol and don't plan to.

My dad has always been very stubborn and closed off. It was always especially bad in the evening. He would yell, get mad about something (he'll always find something to be mad about, even if he had to make it up), slam stuff on the table, etc.

For most of my life I thought he was just very stressed about making dinner. However, a few years ago my mom told me he always drinks in the evening, and it all makes sense now.

During the day, he's fairly pleasant enough. Polite, usually calm. In the evening, he completely changes. Blames everyone else for everything, saying that mom just sits and watches TV all day (conveniently ignoring the fact my mom works a 9-5 all week, and dad isn't working at all ATM). He blames us for him being miserable, gets mad when we help make dinner because we did it "wrong" but also gets mad when we DONT help, because "we never do anything".

Talking to him like this is like talking to a brick wall. And then the next morning, he's back to normal, and we just act like the previous night didn't happen.

My mom once showed me records of purchases he was making, and almost EVERY day was at least one purchase from LCBO, the Wine Shop, or the Beer Store. He knows we don't want him to; he doesn't drink in front of us, but my mom says she smells the alcohol on his breath.

Tonight was the worst it's ever been. He's normally a very passive aggressive drunk, but tonight he angrily claimed "I'm gonna kill that fucking idiot" in reference to me. He's never hurt me before, and I'm pretty big so I could probably defend myself if it came to that, but still...

I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess I just needed to vent.

Asking because I’m going through a breakup (he broke up with me in ‘23,then proceeded to reach out to me every year except this year.)

I have learned that I need to protect my peace,set boundaries and when those boundaries are crossed,I need to be firm with my boundaries.

I have learned that in order for me to be in a relationship,I need to love myself,I need to adhere to my boundaries.

Being in a relationship/situationship/friendship was so confusing and heartbreaking

I’m feeling heartbroken

I’ve noticed a trend. The longer and more heartbreaking the story is, the shorter and simpler the solution often is. Not ALWAYS, but often. If you have a 8 year story that is filled with one heartbreaking story after another and one episode after another and then you ask, “ am I making something out of nothing?” - the simple answer is NO, you aren’t. And often more drama and years more of helping this person is not going to make any difference. Just food for thought. 🌸💕🌸💕

My brother suffers from AUD. We've done everything we can for him, his wife left him, he's barely holding on to his job, he's at the point where he will lose custody of his child, we put a roof over his head, my parents moved in with him to help him, we've spent thousands on therapy , rehab, medication, hospitalisation, support. He's written off his car, he's just screwed up his life so much and he keeps relapsing over and over. I dealt with a lot of issues with my father and he put me under financial strain and now my brother is doing it too and I just can't anymore I have my own family to think about, at what point do people walk away and just let go, I'm so scare he's gonna drive my mother into an early grave with the stress and pain he is causing her.

I need advice. I’m 25 F. I am the daughter of an alcoholic father (70 M). I won’t go into many details regarding that. I love my father. I’ve always thought of him as some type of superhero. No matter how much I try to be angry with him, I can’t because I love him too much.
And this is the problem.
I got myself in an abusive relationship, not once, but twice. My current boyfriend is an alcoholic. He gets mean, turns into someone I do not even recognize. Just like my father.
And I once again find myself struggling to realize, and pick up the pieces after finding myself again.
Can someone give me advice on how to break this horrible cycle?

My [26M] father [50M] has severe alcoholism that he mostly concealed until a few years ago. Since then, he has been diagnosed with cirrhosis, legally “died” during intense withdrawal (revived once by medical professionals and once by a device in his chest), had DUIs, been to jail for DV, attempted suicide, lost multiple jobs, lost most of his friends and family, been to rehab, been to outpatient…

My mom separated from recently him after years of enduring his drunken belligerence and physical altercations (usually prompted by her attempts to lock him out, prevent him from driving under the influence, or to leave him). He now lives alone in a small apartment where he is unemployed and unable to move except by crawling due to muscular deterioration.

He barely eats because the alcoholism costs his appetite and he would rather fill his stomach with alcohol. He has to wear diapers. He cannot remember to pay bills or run errands. He drinks all of the time…

My mom visits him once a day to make sure he’s alive and straighten his place up a little bit.

He really admires me and has always been super vocal about how proud of me he is. He didn’t drink at all when I was a kid and I generally thought he was a good dad for most of my childhood. But something changed in him when I was a teenager and in the last 5 years, he’s become a totally different person. Even when he’s sober, something feels off about him like he’s fried his brain.

I live out of state and I’m at a loss for what to do… I’ve flown back home over the years to try to help but nothing has worked, not even rehab. He is basically trying to kill himself with alcohol.

Do I accept that I’ll get a call one day soon that he’s finally drunk himself to death? In a way I’m surprised he’s made it this long but more than once the guy has blown 0.45 and still made it home the next day from the hospital. Part of me worries it won’t be alcohol, it will be something darker given his previous attempt…

Do I pour my heart out to him and beg him to go back to rehab? I think if I forgave him it would give him a lot of inner peace but I also struggle with this because of the things he’s done to my mom and younger brothers… It also feels impossible to be vulnerable with him sometimes just because of the way I was brought up and the way I’ve been rebuffed in the past when I tried to help him.

I’m in therapy but I kind of disassociate when it comes to this stuff… it’s hard to accept the image of him crawling around a dark, trashed apartment, wearing a diaper, downing handles of liquor… it feels surreal.

Any advice or support would be appreciated.

My STBX wont leave our marital home until our divorce is final. It has been contentious and weve been under one roof for 7 months post filing with little kids. STBX has been leaving and staying out all night. I

dont really "care" at this point and know I cannot control and dont want to, that is why I am getting out, but they have addiction issues and I am growing concerned because of our kids. If they are staying with a new relationship that is one thing, if they are out all night drinking/gambling that is another. They have told me "it doesn't matter what I am doing." and while i don't disagree, we are under one roof so I cant help- but notice and grow worried when our kids will be alone with them.

Part of me thinks they are avoiding moving out (we agreed I would stay, I have offered to pay out right now) to avoid all responsibilities and continue doing god knows what. I dont know if i am looking for guidance, I know part of it is to stay strong and not worry about them, but I am worried for my kids sake. thanks.

Just frustrated today. My Q took the week off work and has spent it drinking. Made promises of all the things he was going to get done at home. Things I’ve asked for 1000 times. This was going to be the week, right? I knew it was a lie when it was coming out of his mouth. I know I can’t control his choices. Can’t stop him from drinking. But how do you deal with the burden left on you while he’s out drinking himself to death? I had to work all week. I said “feel free to vacuum something” while I’m gone. Never happened. Don’t know if I should laugh or cry.

I changed the locks. He is gone. Lawyer filing for full custody/ supervised visits as I type. The alcoholic & emotionally abusive partner is agreeing to this (or says he will) in mediation. He is not begging for me back - at least not yet - and so I can leave in peace. Thank you God. If you are in it and thinking of leaving you can do it. I am emotionally up and down, but I cant shake the knowing that I can never ever look back. I really did it. And will continue to do it. For real this time.

I never thought I would make it out alive. God bless you all. Reading this forum gave me clarity in strength. I do still wish he gets better - but I am no longer waiting or watching it cycle between relapses. I am choosing me & my kids safety and peace. Money all the other things I am still figuring out - but the hardest part is behind me.

New here and guess I’m looking for support, or validation because I feel like I’m gaslighting myself. My and my partner have been together 3 years. In our first year, he called me out of the blue and needed to go “back” to detox, it hit me like a train, I had no idea he ever had a history of a drinking problem. He told me he had been to outpatient rehab the year before because he showed up to work drunk.

He was sober for a little bit, started drinking again but still seeing a counselor. Over time all of the work I’ve tried to do to stop “screening” him when he gets home to see how drunk or sober he is turned into boundary setting that got pushed, and now resentment. I kept asking him to just don’t drink and drive but he’d push that, then just don’t drink liquor cause that’s not good, but he’d order doubles when we went out still. And then the boundaries just stopped cause I gave up on setting them.

I love him so much and there’s so many redeeming qualities but I fear I’ve completely lost trust in myself at this point. I’ve cried to him to get sober or cut back so we can focus on us and nothing has really changed. He drinks less if I go on dry spells but still drinks when I’m not, he has 2-3 beers a night at home but I don’t know what he’s drinking at work before he comes home. The driving home drunk are few and far between but probably still happening once every month or two. Of course I told him I wanted to break up the other night and now he’s being so sweet, telling me he’ll do couples therapy and go sober “if that’s what I need” and it’s just all heartbreaking.

Am I doing the right thing giving space and leaving a relationship where there’s still so much love when alcohol is taking up too much space and energy? Am I giving up too soon?

So my husband is my Q. He has a number of long term health issues from his pre-alcohol days, and I have a lot of sympathy for him there. Its made some aspects of life together tough, as I am very active. But, we have talked about our different needs and limitations, and have found a good balance.

However, it seems to me that his symptoms and some newer conditions are either caused or worsened by his drinking. His health situation has made him very depressed, and he has lost interest in most things. He only works 2-3 days a week. He used to handle most of the cooking, but has pretty much dropped that. I work 5-6 days a week.

Its so infuriating to me to watch him cancel plans or lay around all day because he doesn't feel well, but he always feels well enough to drive to the store and day drink.

It has made it harder to enjoy his sobriety, because he is either hungover or unenthusiastic about everything. He pretty much needs me to make decisions about what we do or what we watch.

Its created a situation where I need more alone time to emotionally recover and to get some enjoyment out of life, but I feel bad that he's always alone so I end up staying around and twiddling my thumbs.

I feels like we are moving towards a separation, and I'm terrified about what that means for him. But i am realizing ive given it my best, and recovery is his job. Breaks my heart to consider divorce, but here we are. I dont see many posts here about people regretting that.

Not really sure if I'm asking anything in this post, I think I just need to vent, but if you have a similair situation, feel free to share.

I was already planning on having a talk with him tonight because Monday he was drinking all day and was acting stupid and being mean.

Not the first talk
Conversations started off by saying I don’t care if you drink, but when you get too drunk and act belligerent and say mean things or fall down or wake me and our daughter up, it’s not cool.
And yet her we are again.
all the other others have gone so poorly. he tells me I need to not worry and drinking is the only thing he has and likes to do.
He could stop drinking whenever he wants he doesn’t have a problem because he doesn’t get drunk every night. I’m acting like he’s out at the bar every single night.

Her caretaker while we are at work (his mom) called me today and ask what would be in this red and blue cup Because our daughter pulled it out of the cupboard while she was heating up her food and started drinking out of it.
This cupboard is one my daughter gets into all the time it’s at her level
It was my boyfriend‘s drinking cup that he had put in there from the night before
“It’s not a big deal it’s just ice water at this point”
Actually, it is a big deal and I’m done at this point.

This sucks. Any advice on breaking up with him if he doesn’t get help?

UPDATE: he came home and started packing a bag.
I guess he took it upon himself to get out.
I don’t think he’s been happy in this relationship since the first time I brought up his drinking being a problem for me.
Maybe he took this chance to do me the favor of leaving.
He still doesn’t think he has a problem, he said he always puts that cup there and that our daughter finding that cup was the equivalent/just as bad as her getting into my fake nails…I said the fact you think that is WILD.
I said you’re already obviously leaving so go ahead, get help if you decide to.

I am newly sober (working the program, have a sponsor, in therapy, etc). My wife is not, and continues to drink in secret. I dont know how she thinks she's hiding it, but shes not. She says she is so proud of my sobriety and all the work I've done, but still believes she doesnt have a problem and lies about her drinking. I've been locking myself in a corner of the house when she is home while obviously buzzed. I feel trapped. Being around her is so triggering, and her having alcohol out openly in the past led to several terrible relapses. I'm pretty convinced that she does not want me sober - we've been drinking buddies for a long time, but I cant live that way anymore. A year ago when I first tried to go to meetings, she poured me a glass of wine at 7 am and handed it to me. So I guess it's something I need to stop denying. I know that I need to protect my sobriety above all else, but it is our 15th wedding anniversary next week... this is so hard. I've been to a few al-anon meetings but it feels really weird being there as an alcoholic. I dont know what to do.

Long time lurker here, and I have spent hours upon hours finding solace and catching my reflection in the stories and things people share here

My first Q was my dad, but my current Q is my fiancée. We have been together almost 11 years. In the beginning, we were both pretty heavy in active addiction and much of our time together was spent getting drunk. As the years went on I started to distance myself from this lifestyle and prioritize my health and he leaned into it further. A few years ago I got really sick. I now live with a dynamic disability and have been in eating disorder recovery for ARFID for 2 years. I have also not had anything to drink in 2 years because I convinced myself it was going to make my symptoms worse. Early on in this journey I was a shell of a person and very frail. He really seemed to pick up some of the slack and took care of me … until he didn’t. Then he was resentful. Made a lot of comments that I think we’re cruel and not okay. Now we go weeks of being totally fine and I feel deeply connected and then he will drop a bomb one. It’s like he saves up every annoyance he has with me and dumps it all on me at once. I am blindsided every time. If he starts talking down to me and I try to defend myself it just turns into a big conglomerate of every thing I have ever done wrong ever and how anything he does that is hurtful is also my fault. “Maybe it the house didn’t look like shit I wouldn’t have to get drunk before coming home”. He frequently comes home drink and then blames me when I am upset and sometimes just doesn’t tell me what he is doing and shows up 3 hours late after work completely wasted. The other night we were away at a work event and he came back to the hotel at 4am unable to stand up and telling me he must have been drugged… nope, just whiskey and enabling friends. He says I am jealous and just want things my way or the highway. I think he has subconsciously convinced me something is wrong with me

The emotional whiplash is really getting to me and on top of my health and this I am also dealing with issues with family and at work. I feel like I have disappeared. I am invisible and I do not matter. He does almost none of the mental load of our household and maybe 20% of the housework and then goes on about how unhappy he is with our house being too messy but then also lectures me on how I shouldn’t be so serious all the time and I have to make time for fun. He makes 3x what I make but we both work full time and split bills 50/50. We do not have any shared bank account and I end up spending more than him on groceries and whatnot on an average month. There have been several times in recent years that he has accused me of “using him as a piggy bank” because I bought myself something material or a treat after expecting him to pay for an extra bill or a grocery store trip. I have no savings and I don’t have anywhere to go. We are in couples therapy and every time I think it’s helped and things are getting better he explodes on me again.

How is there anything beyond this? I feel like a ghost. My self esteem is absolutely shredded down to nothing
I do not find joy in anything anymore. Everything is eggshells and trying to manage everyone else’s emotions. I find myself dissociating often

How does this ever end? How do you kill this black hole?

Logically I know this but then I switch to thinking it’s my fault and desperately wanting to fix things…

He got a great new job. It was supposed to be our fresh start. Then found more messages to other women and evidence of cheating so that ruined the ‘fresh start’ for me because it was based on his dishonesty and me sweeping everything under the rug.

However I still wasn’t at bottom and agreed to let him stay at my place during the week to see how this new healthy routine and trial ‘new beginning’ could look. 3rd day in and he has the nerve to berate me and ask me where I’ve been for 2 hours (basically first thing he said to me all day bc he was working) instead of anything kind or loving and not about himself for once…. When he knew I was with my sponsor and it wasn’t 2 hours and he wasn’t even close to my house yet.

The phone argument escalated with him demanding to know what I have been doing. He has a history of accusing me and doing this no matter what I’m doing. It could be just my son and I at the zoo and it’s this off treatment. I could hear he was either drinking or on substances and I snapped and yelled that he needed to leave and get his things out of my house. He has also been physical and intimidating in the past. I think my nervous system just knew.

We went around and around and he never got his stuff bc I couldn’t get the police on the line to facilitate a keep the peace transfer. This morning he needed his work clothes and pounded on my apartment windows at 6 am. I threw out his essentials because he was not coming in my house angry and coming down. I don’t know how to get him the rest of his things yet and I did not answer his calls this afternoon. He usually would be blowing up my phone and it’s eerily quiet. It’s scaring me.

I am done though. This level of chaos is killing me. I can’t control him or substances. I can’t take it anymore.

What’s it like to be in a relationship with an alcoholic?

I’m not sure if gender matters but I’m 33F and Q is my 34M boyfriend. So I’m looking for female perspective perhaps?

My boyfriend drinks heavy. He drank a 12 pack IPA the other night (ranging 5-9% beers) - with sips of vodka/gin/whiskey whatever was in the house. And fought with me. He’s told me he had a hair sample done for something and had 2x the normal alcohol amount in his system (idk whatever normal is)

I think that I’m being naive when he tells me he isn’t drinking and that my accusations are what works him up so that he drinks and THEN is drunk and arguing with me bc of what I did.

Some days he is so kind to me. He speaks to me and cares for me exactly how I have cried and begged the universe/god to send for me. He is so thoughtful and remembers what I love, showers me in small gifts and makes me food and iced coffees. he can be so insightful and tend to my emotional needs. He assures me I’m safe. I’m beautiful. I’m his princess. I’m worthy. I’m so smart. I’m a good woman. I’m so cute. He wants to marry me. I make him so happy on and on.

And then some days? I’m a cunt, whore, slut, used, no value, unworthy. He’s so angry and talks about killing people and how I have no value for arguing with him. How he’d punch me in the face. How everyone looks down on me, I am bad at my job, I’m mean, I’m abusive, I’m angry and all I do is yell

Like….. I’m trying to google things and learn and figure out what is going on. I saw something mention being “Jekyll and Hyde” and truly that’s what it feels like. I can tell when drinking is involved just by how he changes speaking to me. But sometimes he gets so mad and defensive I think maybe I am wrong and am the issue.

But then a day like today where he treated me like shit all day, I FaceTime him & he’s throwing up on his bedroom floor. After telling me all day he didn’t drink, or clearly didn’t drink enough to put up
With my shit. He starts taking about things that don’t make sense and scare me so bad. Tonight he told me that he would sound crazy but it’s the owls watching us, not aliens. Owl people. He started talking about other people on the phone with us. Just stuff that wasn’t real and didn’t make sense. Then he’ll like snap back and be aware that im crying and will be so nice and then a few seconds later back to accusing me of idk being a ruined woman.

I met him 15 years ago. He was my best friend. We text. We called. He was my brothers friend too. He was at my house. Knows my family. I thought I was getting a chance I never had.

This is a nightmare. Is this alcoholism? Or something else going on with him. Or both.

He was sober ten months, then relapsed, and has been running the roller coaster for over a month now? I think. I haven't been keeping track.

I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired and broke up with him. He was crying hysterically and got his sister to contact me begging me to talk to him. So I got back on the roller coaster somehow. I felt sorry for him having to detox. Lost his job. Whatever. I have been so busy at work that I don't have energy for much thoughts outside of work. That hasn't changed.

Two weeks of him trying to detox himself. All that lead to is my bedroom smelling like that sickly smell they give off when they are either drinking large quantities or detoxing. Terrible smell. And he's not even sober, he's smoking weed all the time. So he might as well be drunk. I'm detached, I let it go over and over. Feeling like I'm responsible (knowing I'm not, but feeling like I am) for him getting better.

So today, he said he would do my dishes. He didn't have them done by my lunch break. I told him to GTFO. He said he told me they wouldn't get done until he woke up. I said I don't care. Not everything is on his time table. Responsibilities don't wait for him to feel like it. But honestly, I was done two weeks ago. What am I doing? Why is this guy in my house?

I told him I need a break. I need space. Well, my needs aren't a thing. So he told me I'm full of shit, that I'm wrong, and that it's about what he needs and he can't be alone. He's been calling me all day asking when I'm coming over. I said I'm not. He doesn't accept that or he forgets every 5 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's drinking already after a supposed 4 days with zero alcohol. Not that it's true, because who really knows?

Anyway, I just wanted to vent. I just told him I wanted to break up and blocked him. I wouldn't have if he was normal and could just give me space or take my feelings into consideration. But he's not and he can't. Oh well. Sucks to be him.

I’m new to this all. This is so hard.
But when did you know you had to get your partner to detox? Do I take them to the hospital? I don’t think they’d survive at home, the withdrawals from a few hours are brutal as it is. I’m afraid they are slowly dying. I don’t know how to help.

This is going to hurt.
I knew this from the start.
My fault.

I was newly single when we met. Fresh from an 8 year relationship with a man who told me I would be beautiful if I lost 5-10 pounds.

You were different. You texted first. You told me I was beautiful. You made me feel free. It was intoxicating.

Reading your sweet messages while walking to work. Smiling like a fool. Even in the beginning I knew.

This is going to hurt.

Confusion came quickly. Red flags disguised as fireworks.

You said you were a dad. Divorced.
Not quite.

Separated. Not divorced. She’s not ready. You’re too drunk too high too gone to care about the paperwork. But I care. You lied for months.

This is going to hurt.

Sacrifices of the heart. Made for a little girl I’ll never meet. Who thinks I’m a monster while I’m wrapping her birthday presents.

“Your girlfriend or your daughter?” I don’t understand why it’s me or her. I hide myself for her sake. She deserves to know her dad.

I hide myself so well that people forget to consider me at all.

This hurts.

Let’s have a baby, you said. Decisions made from desperation. I’m just as much as addict as you are. You to blow. Me to you. Pathetic.

9 months of stolen joy. But she is beautiful and healthy. My little valentine.

You were high at the hospital. You’re high most of the time now.

I cling to the idea of you. The you that wiped snot from my face at the beach when my hands were covered in sand. The you who cooked for me and held my hand in the car. Who took me on dates and told me I was beautiful. The you who gave me permission to live and be free. I needed that. I craved it.

This won’t always hurt.

New beginning starts off great. Promises made promises kept. For a while.

Then a slip. Then again. Back to square 1.

This hurts.

Welcoming another baby girl. Rehab. Relapse.

You were high at the hospital. Again.

The next part is blurry. Worry for you turns to worry about you. Paranoia.

I hide myself from the world. If I don’t talk to anyone you won’t accuse me. Wrong.

You see phantoms in the night. You never sleep. New promises every week.

This hurts.

New starts. Same broken record.

Baby boy.

Why did I do this? Put down the fucking shovel.

I don’t regret them. They are beautiful. But I regret getting in this deep and relying on you. I regret bringing them here where their hearts are broken by you.

I am tired of hurting. I don’t know where to start. I am a fool.