I feel lots of anger and injustice with how I was dealt with. I was an innocent baby who did nothing wrong and yet was discarded like trash

My mother worked as a waitress and was poor. Bio father's parents didn't want him marrying a woman of such low status and that was it. Mom gave birth to me, then after 2 weeks carried me to their doorstep where she reasoned with them and begged them to take me in but they didn't. He wrote in his statement "I won't acknowledge paternity until the court DNA test shows I am the father, and SINCE I AM a police officer, I don't think I should go to court"

There is no open\closed adoption here, you get sent to the orphanage (cuz he then denied paternity), and if lucky you got adopted. I was adopted at 2

Met my bio father and he literally asked me "what's this got to do with me" before slut shaming my bio mother and blaming her

I had nightmares dreaming about him numerous times and I am filled with hate and disgust at all of this. How could they to that to their own flesh and blood? What was my sin?

Sometimes I just feel like meeting his wife and my half siblings and telling them my story of how I was discarded, and making the whole city see what they've done

I have known I was adopted my whole life. When I was a teenager, I showed signs of mental illness and was put back in the foster care system. That’s not the point of this post. This is an appreciation for scientific advancement and public records readily available to the public.

Through DNA websites and the help of a tenacious private investigator, I found my first mother (alive) and eventually found my first father (deceased). My own family tree is three generations of adoptees because of one woman’s choice. I am only starting to uncover these connections in my 40s. I feel like I missed out on so much. This led me through many years of research and I now have an actual family tree with a rich history.

There are other connections outside of parent/child relationships! Siblings, cousins, aunties, etc. I finally found my eldest half sibling, the first born of my first mother put up for adoption. There are 8 of us and I found four so far. I knew about them thanks to an oral history share from first mom during a lucid phase. And my brother just found out today that he has a son through the same DNA testing website. He had no idea! What a whirlwind of emotions.

There’s so many connections we don’t realize we have and should be able to make decisions for ourselves on who to call family as well as what level of relationship we want to have. There are many barriers for seeking answers. Thanks to DNA testing and digital records those barriers are less rigid today. The point of my post is this - People are driven to find a sense of connection. I appreciate the ability to connect the way I have.

So my mother gave my sister up for adoption and she was supposed to be given information about her when she turned 18 that was part of the deal

Well, when she was around 11 or 12 years old, the adoption agency closed and she lost all contact with the adopted family she would get pictures and updates once or twice every year as part of the agreement

Anyways, fast-forward 18 years, we tried to get all the information that we were supposed to get and we were directed here we were directed there. We’ve spent months upon months upon months, trying to get any information that we could going into. Many many many different places and they kept saying oh no you have to go here oh no, you have to go there and then we would go to that place and they would say oh no, you have to go right back where you started and it would just be an endless never-ending merry-go-round so luckily my mother posted on Facebook that she wants to get in contact with her long-lost daughter and she put pictures of her in any information she knew and I got thousands upon thousands of shares we did end up finding her

But just let this be a warning to anyone considering adoption an adoption agency can close at any time and you could just never ever get the paperwork or information when she turns 18 and if you’re not so lucky to literally have a viral Facebook post you’re basically screwed so just keep that in mind

I (F 18) have always had very strict legal guardians, i am adopted since birth and they’re always been super protective and smothering my whole life. they’re super old and conservative too btw. I’m in college now like two hours away from them, and they’re trying to control my life even now. they cannot restrain themselves from logging into my accounts for school and stalking all my grades, assignments (past and upcoming) and purchases. they call me in the mornings to see if i’m awake, they call me in the shower and tell me i can’t hang up while they lecture me, they hang up on me whenever i protest the insane stuff they say, but when i wanna hang up on them for bashing me and stuff I get told I’m not allowed to and there will be like consequences. they think me having not having straight As will result in me flunking out. I have ONE HIGH B rn and the semester isn’t even over. i’m always being yelled at for having to order in my groceries and food from delivery ppl cause i don’t have transportation. they’re telling me that im burdening ppl (like my sister and bf) by asking them to take me places like the grocery store to get medicine and to replace items. i feel like they’re treating me like a project instead of a human. oh and to make matters worse, they finally promised me a car so i can do things like get groceries and stuff, but they said not until next school year, and i may not be allowed to take it to school. they’re using the idea of a car as leverage, and it’ll be held over my head for the next like 8-10 months. they keep saying i’m gonna flunk out and not make it to grad school if i don’t get straight As and maintain my gpa, and they said if I don’t let them view my grades and micromanage me, then there will be no car. they also keep treating me like im incompetent, saying they HAVE to monitor all my stuff cause i can’t do it myself. funny enough, i just located my paternal bio family myself, and i’m hoping they may be the actual family i need and that they’ll treat me like a person instead of a failed project in progress. they don’t treat their biological son like this btw, he’s the golden child, but as the adopted child I feel like less their child. does anyone else deal with their legal guardians like this? any tips?

As we get closer to Adoptee Remembrance Day - October 30, I have been thinking a lot about the different ways people in the adoption community process the heavy, silenced parts of our shared history. Society loves to wrap adoption up in happy narratives, which often leaves zero room for actual grief, loss, or the trauma of family separation.

For everyone navigating this in the adoption constellation, how do you handle this time of year? Are there specific ways you acknowledge or honor Adoptee Remembrance Day, or do you find it's a day you just try to get through quietly? I would love to hear what others in the constellation experience.

My partner and I are currently filling out our genogram as part of our home study and we both have pretty extensive and complicated family structures. Has anyone paid for a service that helps with this like something online that helps to generate it? Any suggestions would be appreciated!!

My birth daughter found me a few years ago and came into my life like a wrecking ball. I tried to explain that her conception and birth were quite traumatic for me and that I needed time to get to know her and navigate the emotional minefield that she wanted to run through. She could not honor my boundaries so I cut off contact. Since then she had found other family members and had shared my name, posted things on social media using my name and calling me all kinds of horrible things. In her efforts to garner sympathy she tried to shame me.
Not every birth parent longs for a reunion and that boundary should be respected. I know I made the right decision in giving her up for adoption. By giving her up for adoption I rescinded all rights to her life and am not obligated to offer a relationship.
I understand her pain, but the lengths she has gone to attack me will never give her peace. By the way, I have never responded to her attacks. It’s a trauma loop I refuse to take part in. I’m just wondering if other birth parents have had a similar experience.

I was adopted from Russia at 8 months old. Growing up I have wonderful parents, family and friends. I will never get the truthfulness of my biological family. They lied on my adoption papers. That is something I have to accept. Unfortunately my dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Every day I’m slowly losing him which is stirring up my own abandonment issues. What is the best way to cope with the grief and loss. Anything piece of advice would be appreciated. I don’t drink or smoke.

Hi there, I'm a transracial adoptee from South Korea; as the title suggests, I have emotionally shallow parents and I want to know if any other transracial adoptees struggle with this.

I was adopted from South Korea at 5 months old by White boomers and just recently have found the words to describe them as much as I love them: emotionally shallow.

Growing up, they didn't do much to engage with Korean culture and did not really do proper research on the culture before adopting me (I also have a brother adopted from South Korea; we have the same birth mom). The way I describe my circumstances is that they adopted us out of convenience; they were in a tough spot as my adoptive mother had fertility issues and South Korea could guarantee them a child for cheap.

To make a long story short, my parents can't really understand emotional nuances and they think very black-and-white (also they are conservative). They also aren't willing to seek out information for themselves and they aren't the most open-minded when taking new information in, which has caused much friction at times. Being White boomers that were raised in the middle of nowhere, they also just don't understand how racism works.

I feel really alone in my struggles with emotionally shallow parents and I want to know if any other transracial adoptees have this problem?

Looking for experiences from Canadians in this group. Have you adopted from the public child welfare system in Canada, what province, how long was the process to approval of your home and then how long did you wait for a match? What is the current experience like?
I’ve always wanted to adopt from the public system but looking for what to expect.

For transparency: I'm trying to sort through something personal, relevant to my community but not urgently / directly, so I'm using the "Ethics" flair here. I'm going to try to keep things kinda vague because I want to hear different perspectives to inform a decision. I am not currently pregnant, nor looking to adopt.

Background: due to my particular community and culture, many people I love and care about were abused as kids. They're no-contact with their families of origin, and they wish they'd been adopted by non-abusive families.

And even more people in my life, like this poster, suffer due to poverty and would trade their relationship with their family for wealth. [I originally put more details here, but it felt too personal so I deleted it. Tldr vers.: my loved one developed CPTSD from severe childhood poverty + parents not being able to pay for medical care nor treatment for their own mental illnesses.]

The thing is, being adopted is romanticized in my community / subculture. There's a lot of love for "found family" narratives, as well as the idea of giving your child something you were denied. The fantasy is also about automatically being wanted, rather than being seen as a burden until you prove otherwise.

But part of the romanticization comes from how uncommon it is. I can only think of 3 people in my real life who were adopted, and all had upper middle class or wealthy adoptive families--very different from most people in my circle!

(Not including kinship adoption, which is more common, but also usually unofficial if that makes sense. Like if you can take care of your sister's kids during a hard time, you do it, no reason to go to court over it).

Ethics question: I'm hoping to hear from people with different perspectives, from different cultures and backgrounds. Particularly from:

• Adoptees whose adoptive families are wealthier than their first families
• Low income parents who either placed their child up for adoption, or considered it but eventually decided against it

Based on your experience, what factors make placing a child for adoption into a wealthier family the right or wrong decision?

I have heard from many who wish they'd been placed for adoption, and I'd like to get a fuller picture with multiple perspectives outside of what I hear regularly.

I am m19 and after knowing who my birthmom is for a little over a year i finally got in contact with her, it wasnt like i didnt have a way it was just giving it some time, anyways we have had basic conversation over text, but its been good, she still lives in the same state so she isnt far away but we havent had any convos about meeting yet but my mom and dad would be for it, its not really weird for me because my mom who is also adopted has met basically all of her birth family and is close with alot of them especially her half sister and her birthmom, so I have been pretty used to this stuff but this is a first i would assume for my birthmom, but yeah its been fine and nothing really awkward, if you have any questions feel free to ask.

As the title says, I’m currently 15 weeks pregnant and 25 y/o. Totally unplanned. Sometime ago I did schedule an abortion but couldn’t go through with due to my emotions. The father is pressuring me to give the baby up cause he feels as though he doesn’t have the funds he wants to provide for me and the baby. I’m estranged from my family, I have a stable job, stable housing but currently traveling for work to make some extra money. All I’m saying is that I feel so connected to this growing baby and I’m not so sure I want to give them up. But I’m scared of if I’m able to afford raising a child especially w/o the support my family. Just looking for insight or stories from those in similar situations.

Hello! I 27 F was adopted at 3 months in Kampala Uganda from an orphanage, my parents say the orphanage did not give any specifics as to where I came from so I have never known. I’m not looking to find anyone specific (I feel no pull to find people I’ve never known anything about tbh) I just am curious to have something verified about my origin story be it how my ethnicity is made up or just anything other than being Ugandan. Are there any other international adoptees that have done testing to find out general information that may have experience or advice?

Hi all! To give context I was adopted from China by two Americans back in 2002. I am considered a naturalized citizen but I do not have the papers to prove it.

The way it was explained to me by my parents is that the second I stepped foot on American soil I was a naturalized citizen and the lawyers and social workers they worked with told them that. They said I was automatically a naturalized citizen so they didn't go through the court processes to get the paper work.

I am currently in a job where having those naturalization papers is important. Does anybody have a similar experience? Has anybody gone through the process of getting naturalization papers as an adult after being in the US almost their entire life and having a US Passport? I looked through the base naturalization paperwork and I'm not applicable to submit an application since I have a US Passport already. I'm not really sure what to do. Any help would be appreciated!

I am hoping to find some support in a rather tricky circumstance: my partner was born in 1989 in Moskau. His biological parents left the hospital after birth, leaving a handwritten note with their full names, but no further information. No birth certificate was issued and he doesn’t know which hospital it was.
He has minor handicaps and he was then put in orphanage no. 9 in Moskau. He got adopted from a US family in 1992. He has photos of the adoption records: a photo with a USSR passport issued in 1992 with his adopted name as well as adoption certificate from ZAGS.
He tried searching by testing his DNA or the names of the biological parents online, but yet no success in pinpointing anyone of his biological family. He can’t get any support from his adoptive parents, but we would like to figure out how to get him a passport from Russia.
Any help will be highly appreciated!

If you’re comfortable sharing,if you are an adoptee who your adoptive parents did not tell you you were adopted and you found out later in life. How did that make you feel? Impact your life? How did you feel towards your adopters etc. thanks for sharing

How can I make adoption in Nepal as a Nepalese citizen? Where do I get the child? If you know about any organization or have done adoption, please help me.

My husband and I have been considering adoption for a couple of years. We found out I am not able to get pregnant and have sort of always been considering adopting at some point anyway. We are open to adopting older kids, too. The issue is... should we? We are mid 30s and I unexpectedly went through breast cancer treatment two years ago. I will be officially in remission early next year.

I have chronic illnesses but I do work part time and my husband works full time. Financially we would be fine. We live in a great town for kids and are close to my parents. We are renovating our entire house over several years and have 7 pets as well, so with these factors + my illnesses... is it fair? I keep seeing two siblings aged 12 and 15 that I am so drawn to as their interests are very similar to mine and my husband's. I have just wanted children with my husband for so long, and honestly we have so much love and support to give. Helping kids learn and grow excites me. I just don't know if the animals, renovations and all that are too much. Is it even fair for us to adopt? Naturally we also just worry we aren't good enough.

Thoughts appreciated.

So I (19F) recently found my half-brother's (Same father, different mothers) adoptive parents (He was adopted by his maternal aunt and uncle as an infant) on Facebook. I really want to reach out to them and try to establish a meeting, but I am worried I will come off as rude or intrusive. My father and his mother had a very toxic relationship, from what I gathered, and were barely even together before he was born, and he was immediately given up for adoption, which made my bio-father angry and apparently cut off contact.

They were completely no contact with bio dad but apparently had some contact with my Grandmother on dad's side, as she had a photo of Brother and told me his name (though I have come to discover his name is not what they thought it was and was changed at adoption, which I assumed they did not share for privacy). My biofather was/is a drug addict and did not raise me whatsoever and was hardly in my life, and to this day continues to be a deadbeat until his guilt gets too bad and he sends me a message.

I was raised by my biological grandmother after my mom died when I was 11 due to drug abuse, and when I was 17, my grandmother died of breast cancer. All that to say, I have very little biological family, and I have always wanted to reconnect with my brother. I am worried that if his adoptive mother sees I am friends with my bio dad on Facebook, she will want nothing to do with me, and I cannot unfriend him, as my little sisters sometimes stay with him and I need them to be able to contact me in an emergency (they are too young for their own phones and use his for communication when they stay with him).

My little brother is 17-18 years old, and from what I have been able to gather has changed his name and has contact with his birth mother, but I am unsure if he knows his adoptive status. I have also recently been adopted and wondered if sharing this would make reunion more likely? I do not want to cause any upset in their life, and do not want to reveal this to him if he is unaware, which is why I want to reach out to his mother. Any advice? Thank you all!

Hii Chinese Adoptee here, me and a friend from the same region are travelling back to our ‘hometown’ and was wondering if there is anyone or any communities that would be able to help and advise us when going?

A few thing we would like to do is give our dna in to the national dna register which we believe is a police station and would like to learn more about the process as well was finding our ‘founding locations’

I was adopted as a toddler and now 35. I have one memory thats short but clear. Night time, really dark and in a car on a highway and snowing really heavy. I can see out the windshield big fat snowflakes and pitch black. The memory is from before I was adopted and should have been too young to form memories. But its so clear and I think about that memory a lot. I remember I was scared. Really scared. Obviously others in the car, I can see figures but no details. Does anyone else have any sort of memories like this?