Hi there,

I am reaching out on this sub to ask about the specific differences and examples of what it means when people say raising an adopted child is completely different than raising a biological child. I understand the idea of helping them grieve, mourn, process the trauma and potential loss or seperation of their birth family. I understand nurturing identity, culture (if it is different, physical/mental disabilities if they develop them, and disciplining differently. But other some of those major things, what specifically is the huge difference everyone is talking about?

Are they saying you feel differently about the child/don’t love them the same?

My question doesn’t come through arrogance, it comes through genuinely wanting to learn as someone who is considering private domestic adoption.

I read often on the adoption subreddit, but it feels like a lot of accusations and not examples of what to be prepared for.

Thank you!

I’m posting to check in with others who are currently in the waiting process! Everyone always says that the wait is so hard, so I’d like to offer everyone a chance to connect & ask questions with others in the same part of the process.

How’s your wait? How long have you been waiting? What’s something that inspired hope in your life this last week? Have you heard anything new from your agency?

Very specific but we are both Syrian, born and raised in Canada. Syria is not on the list of restricted countries. Thanks.

hello! my wife and I are a lesbian couple residing in Kentucky who are attempting to start our adoption journey.

We are feeling very overwhelmed trying to even find an agency… it seems majority of the “agencies” I find aren’t even actual agencies. They are marketing or consultants, or if they are an agency they don’t work with LGBTQ families/in our state… we did meet with Adoption Information Services and enjoyed what they had to say, but they’re a consultant vs an agency. however, if anyone has experience with them we’d love to hear it too.

Can anyone give recommendations/their experience (good or bad!) on actual agencies they worked with? please bear in mind they MUST be LGBTQ friendly, which typically removes religious agency.

We are open to experiences working with attorneys - but I’ll be honest the idea of doing a lot of that process by ourselves does make us nervous just because we feel so lost in what to do.

thank you in advance!

Hello, I hope people will be impartial and kind as possible. I've had mental health challenges prior to my son's birthday for many years and was prescribed multiple types of medication which had no impact. I have also been hoapitalised for mental health issues in the past. I am an older mother, in my mid-forties when I had my son, and I am a single mother. Since my son's birth in January this year, I have been getting increasingly unwell. I have been engaging with perinatal mental health services but to no avail. I feel worse than I did when my son was born. I have been taking medication - in this case, Mirtazapine, that again, like the previous medication, have not had any impact. I really can not go on. I live in a two-room apartment and can't move out because my income comes from sick leave. I can't see any alternative but to put my child up for adoption because my mental health is so bad and the psychiatrist I have been talking to does not know in wjich direction to take my treatment. I hope adoption is better in Europe than in the U.S. because I know most of the comments from adoptees on r/Adoption are very scathing of adoption. Does anyone have any experience of adoption in Europe, notably in France? I want the best for my baby.

Hi all,

Several weeks ago, we adopted our perfect baby through an open, baby-born adoption. We finally got their medical records and their birth records differ greatly from what we were told. (We were told they were born at 38 weeks—they were born at over 41 weeks. This is the most trivial/minor of the inconsistencies.) Our comfort zone feels like it was a little bit violated. I don’t know where the inconsistent information came from.

It feels silly to be overwhelmed since baby is fine and growing like a weed, but I just was curious if there was anyone else who’s experienced this? I know adoption is uncertain in a lot of ways by nature, so I guess I’m just trying to figure out whether I should be concerned about even more misinformation in the future (ex: regarding health history, or biological familial structure). TIA :)

Hi there! My husband and I found out we cannot have children two years ago. We are beginning our journey to adoption through research and have spoken to one Agency in Northern California recently. We received an overload of information! Based on what we’ve learned so far, I had a few questions:

- I was curious if anyone can recommend agencies they liked working with? Or had success with?
- did you just use one agency or work w multiple?
- did you use a consultant (to help pass around your application and help along the adoption process) and if so was that worth it / necessary?
- I’ve been told on average it’s takes about 18 months until a placement is made. Is that accurate to your experience?
- lastly, any grants you used or applied for?

Many thanks for all your help!

I definitely came to adoption from a savior complex-y place. I was a teenager who would say things like, “It’s selfish to have your own kids when there are so many babies out there who need good homes!” (There are not.)

I also have a history, in my youth, of getting way too invested in both friendships and romantic relationships with people who are deeply mentally ill. I think in many ways these things came from the same place.

Of course, by the time I was ready to actually adopt, it very quickly became clear that there were not a lot of babies who were in need of homes, or rather, that there were many homes ready to accept them. I also just had this very sudden epiphany that I was being really arrogant to think that even if there were millions of babies who needed homes that I was somehow the one who should save them. It’s also deeply selfish in the sense that it very much came from my desire to feel better about myself and my place in the world.

My wife and I decided to adopt anyway, for a variety of reasons that aren’t relevant to this question. In my opinion, that does not make me morally superior or inferior to people who have kids “the old fashioned way,” or people who come to adoption through infertility.

By then, we did not feel entitled to our children, nor did we feel that we were their saviors. We often discuss how if we’d been facing as much as our children’s birth parents were, we likely would have done worse than they would have, and it really is systemic inequities that led to us being in the position that we are.

Also, I find that I am able to be a lot more boundaried in my relationships with people who are really struggling. I think there’s still a deep part of me that wants to feel better about myself through helping others, but I kind of “know my place” more now.

And so I have a lot of empathy for people who say savior complex things when they’re talking about adoption. That goes double for really young people. Obviously it can be harmful for adoptees when people go into adoption without examining that in themselves, but I also think the process itself can be really humbling in that way.

I was talking to another adoptive mom in real life yesterday and she described also having a savior complex, but then being humbled through becoming an adoptive parent. I was wondering if there were other people who had a similar experience or felt the same way.

Celebrate is in quotes because it isn't the right word, but I am not sure of a better one.

We are in the process of adopting our son. He has been with us since February and we have a court date set to finalize. He was just under 12 months when he came to us and is currently 20 months, so he has a limited understanding of it all. Biologically he is our nephew (wife's side of the family) and neither bio parent has any interest in being involved.

We would like to do a little something for him on the day. Ideally something we can make a tradition and do every year with all of our kids. We also have an 11 year old, 9 year old, and 3 month old. It doesn't have to be major but we would like something that he can look back on and see how happy we were to become his parents in the legal sense.

New trailer for Love Chaos Kin dropped. I feel like this one truly encapsulates what the film is about. Please share widely.

Three shows today in LA

Oct 21st in London

Oct 30 - Nov 5th at DCTV in NYC

Come say Hi!

https://youtu.be/CFXW8h49LYA?is=rANK2UxscD8T-pIG

Hey all! I wanted to repost here as I got some comments/feedback that this sub might be able to give me more advice and perspective on the process. Thank you!

EDIT: there were some toxic things said about my family and infertility issues so I deleted the main post. I will be reaching out to local resources and other family’s that have experienced the adoption/fostering system.
Thank you to those that have real grounded advice and their own personal experiences!

I've noticed that in certain adoption spaces, simply being an adoptive parent can be enough to have someone's character, intentions, or ability to parent called into question. There's an important difference between criticizing someone's actions and assigning them the failings of other adoptive parents. Nobody should have to answer for the behavior of strangers simply because they share the same title.

Adoption has a history of deeply harmful practices, and serious ethical concerns persist today. Those issues deserve continued scrutiny, and adoptee voices deserve particular consideration. But recognizing systemic problems shouldn't mean disregarding individual circumstances or assuming that every adoptive parent shares the same motivations or behavior.

Adoptee experiences are also incredibly diverse. Some describe profound trauma, others have positive relationships with their families, and many hold complicated feelings about both. No single experience should be treated as representative of everyone else's. Each deserves to be heard on its own terms.

Equally troubling is the expectation that people must disclose their own trauma to be taken seriously. Online disagreements can quickly become attempts to dissect someone's personal history or determine whether they've suffered enough to have an informed opinion. Privacy shouldn't be mistaken for a lack of hardship, empathy, or understanding. Nobody should have to share the most painful parts of their life to earn basic respect.

I'd specifically like to hear from fellow adoptive parents about the distinction between legitimate criticism of someone's conduct and unfair judgments based solely on being an adoptive parent. Disagreement is inevitable, but treating people as individuals shouldn't be too much to ask.

Edit 2: I've revised portions of this post for clarity following the discussion, so some earlier comments may refer to the original wording. To clarify, I'm questioning whether these judgments are fair, not whether every adoptive parent feels personally affected by them. The attached screenshot illustrates the kind of treatment I'm referring to. This isn't an argument against listening to adoptees, recognizing systemic inequities, or holding adoptive parents accountable. It's simply an argument that those responsibilities should coexist with basic kindness and respect.

I'm not sure I'm reading into this or not, but it seems like every kid we reach out about our adoption worker tries to scare us off.

This recent one we have meeting with the kids worker and foster mom, and it just feels like our worker is trying to tell us no. I understand she's trying to lay out all the facts to us and make sure we know but it feels kinda weird.