0/10 I do not recommend

I've gotten to the point where I told my wife that her kids are hers. She takes care of them and I will mind my business. My wife stays home I work. I am good enough to take care of them but it's a problem for me to tell them anything as far as discipline. I've wanted to file for divorce so many times due to kids. It's exhausting. I hate going to my own home sometimes. Yes, she's "talks" to them make empty threats, things are okay for a week and it's back to the same bs.

My partner has given her a deadline and she is moving out.

After 4 years of actual hell it's coming to a end.

Our relationship isn't going to suffer.

Our kids aren't going to grow up with her yelling at everyone.

Our mental health is going to improve.

Hopefully the father and adult child can rebuild their relationship with having space.

But that's not my problem to fix or be involved in.

But I am free of stress. My kids get the mother they deserve.

After 4.5 years of being in a relationship, I’ve decided to stop letting my partner (34 F) treat me so poorly. I’ve come to the conclusion that she has a lot of narcissistic traits and she’s unwilling to work on herself. The patterns are clear, sad and so toxic.

We have SS (6) 80% of the time. He goes to dad’s EOW. She’s gotten into the habit of creating chaos on Thursdays or Friday once SS leaves. She then isolates herself and avoids me all weekend until he comes back and she gives me the most meaningless, empty apology and says she “wants to work on this.”

I’ve been very involved in stepsons life. I help with school drop offs, pick ups, sick days (I WFH), vacations, cook dinner every night, discipline, etc.

Back in July, I finally decided to buy a home. It’s under my name, my loan. She was very adamant about living in a particular affluent neighborhood because of the school district. So I agreed and bought the house.

She’s incredibly ungrateful and inconsiderate of me and I think I’ve been stuck in this toxic cycle for years now. Recently she’s been telling me that the reason why she’s not affectionate is because I’m always complaining, nagging or talking shit about her. But the reality is that I usually just try expressing my feelings and she’s incapable of even listening to me. As soon as I start to share something, she walks away, says mean things or ignores me.

She did it to me again on Thursday after ss went to dads. Didn’t speak to me Thursday night, Friday and finally yesterday she sent me a text saying “I want to work on things. I’m sorry for the hurtful things I said”

But there’s never any actual discussion about the things she says. There’s never any actions. Just empty words. I finally opened up to a friend who has been encouraging me to set a boundary.

A few hours after her initial text, she sent me another text asking if I could take SS to school tomorrow because she has to be at work earlier than usual. Every other time, I’d say yes and would help her out. But this time I’m doing something different, I told her I couldn’t help her anymore. That she didn’t respect me or treat me wel.

This morning she came in my room and asked me to help her with school drop off. I told her that I could not help her anymore. She threatened me and said that if I didn’t then the relationship would be over.

I told her that was fine and told her I couldn’t tolerate any more of her disrespect and her using me.

I feel awful. I’m not one to not help but I just feel like if I don’t set this boundary then she’s just going to always think that she can treat me like crap and I’m just never going to leave.

The reality is that we’re stuck in this living arrangement until the end of the school year unless she decides to move out sooner. But I’m not one to kick someone out and I’d hate for my stepson to struggle with that transition.

I wish I was stronger and more secure in my decisions. I wish I didn’t have to feel like a bad person for not helping her but I just feel so much sadness, resentment and anger when I continue to bend over backwards for her while she’s not even a good friend to me.

I hate that this is happening. I feel like I’m losing my family when it’s all I really wanted but this is beyond dysfunctional and toxic.

Am i wrong for putting my foot down and not helping her? I just don’t know.

My stepdaughter is in high school and we have an infant son. Today discussing holiday schedule with my husband, he wants to celebrate early to accommodate his daughter. I told him I’m fine with celebrating not on the actual holiday this year and next but not once our son is old enough to know what day Christmas is on.

Apparently, I’m an evil stepmother for wanting Christmas magic for our son instead of accommodating the schedule of a college age child who chooses to spend the actual holiday with her mother. He says we’re not Christian, so it shouldn’t matter.

Am I being unreasonable? How do we reach a compromise. If my husband had his way, we’d skip Christmas all together and go traveling.

My stepdaughter (20 y.o.) is in rehab for the 2nd time this year (alcohol & drugs). She's been asking my husband to bring our daughter (9 y.o.) to visit her.

I'm feeling really unsure if it is a good idea though.. The girls had always had a fairly close relationship, until my stepdaughter starting doing drugs. I don't want that to change, but I also don't want to normalize the behavior to my daughter. She's only 9..

I've talked to my daughter many times about how I want her to still love and support my stepdaughter, even though we don't love and support the decisions she's making. I'm just not sure what to think. I feel like my daughter is more emotionally intelligent than most kids her age; but she is still only 9.

Just hoping for some input by some unbiased individuals. Thanks in advance!

EDIT: Normalize was perhaps the wrong word to use. I just already worry about what my daughter has seen/heard/knows. My stepdaughter has put us all through the ringer already. I'm just exhausted and am so stressed about all of this.

My husband and I have our 8mo daughter and my 4 year old SD. SD is a wonderful child and I love her. I can say that I care for her similarly to how I care about my own child.

We typically try to schedule a lot of our family activities for my husband’s custody time so SD can be included. But on certain occasions, like today, when we get invited to the pumpkin patch but SD is with her mom, we can’t always bring my SD.

We actually planned on taking SD to the patch next weekend and I bought matching outfits for the girls, but just found out it’s supposed to rain heavily. Bummer. (We’re trying to plan an alternative festive Fall activity. Any recommendations are appreciated!)

I feel that logically, my baby shouldn’t have to miss out on events and activities just because SD isn’t here. Life goes on. I also know that SD does plenty of fun family activities with her mom and that side of her family without us too. However, it still doesn’t feel very good. It makes the event feel.. incomplete, I guess. Does anyone else struggle with this?

I want to know if any of you guys have gone through this. I’m currently having this issue. Recently, there are many issues going on with my SD10 (refer to last few post) where she is not allowed around our BKs due to inappropriate behavior towards BK. (Sexual things). So he goes to his moms every weekend he has her. Although, my husband keeps trying to put them together any chance he gets. I say no…. Anyways, every Halloween SD spends it with BM even if it’s technically his weekend. It’s been like that for years. Now he tells me, BM said that he has her for Halloween this year. If we’re going to spend it all together with the kids. He knows that’s not happening until she continues recieving the help she needs. He just came to the conclusion anyways that he’s going to have her. Without even having a conversation with me or anything come up with a plan, maybe spend an hour trick or treating with SD & then the other hour with BKs or something. I tell him BM has her every year, he says “ Okay but that’s not what it is this year, I’m not going to deny time with my daughter. If the roles were reversed I wouldn’t deny time with the kids”….. it’s not only this situation where BM does this. It’s happened multiple times, & I’m always the LAST to know of changes. & just be expected to be okay with it. Any advice?

Hi im 26f and im married to my wife 30f and she has a now 11 year old kid. We have been together for 4 years now so when i met my ss when he was 7 and he was great then and he is a good kid overall. In the beginning of the relationship ofc since that is his mom he always would direct his questions, thanks, appreciation, and acknowledgement to her and im not saying there was anything wrong with that after all thats his mom and i was very new to the picture.

We got married pretty quickly after we started dating
Like a few months after and he was onboard with it. He liked me and welcomed me into the family but it also was clear that i wasnt the primary and my wife in public would always say “i” have a kid “i have a son” but never we. I brought it up to her and its been getting progressively better. He did end up having to go live with his dad for honestly most of out relationship due to his moms mental health. And we just got him back this year in February.

Since then ive been trying my best to be there and supportive and thoughtful when it came to the things he likes to eat, do, talk about, watch etc. But it still feels like in the beginning. It feels like i am just here and not visible to him. Telling just his mom thank you for being so supportive and having conversations with me after we have both just had a talk with him not just his mom. Im a “spare human” who cooks, gets picks thoughtful things at the store that he would like w/o him asking, makes sure he has his favorite snacks etc and the first ty or acknowledgment goes to his mom and she has to say it was actually me and then i get the recognition but by then i feel a type of way. And i dont know whether or not im in the right to do so. I feel as though theres a disconnect between us and my feelings of him not being my kid and i dont know how to get past it. My wife also doesnt want anymore children even through adoption and it breaks my heart because i would like a kid of my own that has a part of me. Because he is the spitting image of her looks, behaviors/ likes and all. And too actually be able to experience motherhood like she has experienced it.

How do i stop feeling like an outsider and a spare human in my own home ?

I've spoken to my bf before about spending more time with his daughter. He told me he doesn't think she wants to do anything with him and prefers me because I'm a girl. I disagreed and asked him to try. He did that weekend, and she happily played every game and did every activity he suggested.

Fast forward a couple months and it's completely back to how it was. His daughter follows me everywhere (she's 10yrs old). If we are all sitting in the living room and I go into the kitchen, she's right behind be. She even followed me to the bathroom and was standing in the doorway talking to me, until I told her I needed to close the door and use the bathroom. If her dad gets up and goes outside or goes to the bathroom she immediately starts talking my head off and tries to start setting up a game for us to play.

My elderly mother lives with us and made a comment to me that she had to entertain bfs daughter for several hours because we were in bed late. My response was that I have an adult child, I have no responsibilities. I'm not getting up early on my only weekend day off to care for a child while the biological parent is laying in bed with the entire weekend off. So I will have to bring this to his attention.

Bfs daughter is also super messy, leaves straw wrappers, candy wrappers, plates, hair/combs, trash in general everywhere. I have expressed that I find this to be very annoying and that I'm not cleaning up behind anyone. I think this has gotten better, it seems like my bf wasn't noticing it until I brought it up.

I have had a couple serious talks with my bf about how I feel like he needs to spend more time doing things she likes, how I want to be a bonus person in her life, not a main parent. I want to tag along to things they do (and she will get visibly upset if she asks me if I'm going somewhere with them and I say no, so I always go unless I'm working). I have an adult child and am very much enjoying life doing things when I want, how I want, etc. I have expressed this also.

Will it ever change? Will I have to have this conversation every couple of months? What can I do without looking like a complete a-hole?

I would like some advice. My husband is a widower and has a four-year-old daughter. I am often bothered by the fact that he spends very little time sleeping with me; he stays with his daughter until 2:00 AM, and only comes to bed around the time of the dawn (Fajr) prayer—meaning he sleeps with me for only about three to four hours. We never have any time alone together. When I brought this up and explained that it upsets me, he replied that his daughter has never slept alone since she was born, so he cannot leave her by herself. I suggested that she could get used to sleeping alone—that he could leave her once she has fallen asleep for the night—but he did not like that idea. What should I do?

Or am I mistaken, for example?

VERY VERY long story short:

For the past 6 years, I have put up with the most outrageous things.
2 years ago I was accused of “Mistreating” SS. Obviously nothing came of it. Just accusations.

This year has been wild to say the least. DH has taken so so much blame, hurt, manipulation, lies. HCBM has made it her life goal to take SS away. I think she might finally get what she wants AND now she has to deal with the consequences.

I absolutely cannot go into detail, however, I will say as much as I can.
DH gets a call last week from school, that SS made a VERY bad decision. Essentially there was a weapon, conspiring, harassment, lying, etc. He is currently facing a juvenile hearing and expulsion.

Here’s the thing. I saw this coming. I freaking knew this would happen given everything SS is allowed to do at moms. No parenting, no consequences, nothing.

I have a small BK and I don't know what to do anymore. I think I’m just ranting at this point. I hate this. I hate SS for doing this because BK keeps asking where he is, and why can’t they see SS. I just don’t know what to do anymore. DH and I both decided that SS can’t come here right now until we know what the judge rules. Not that SS even wants to because he was so badly alienated. Ugh. I just want to leave this darn state and start a new life.

I’m honestly so tired of BM and her emotional outbursts.

A little backstory: SS (8) told us about what he believed was an attempted break-in at BM’s house. He’s been so scared that he’s slept in our room all week. We asked SD (13), and she confirmed someone was jiggling the door but said she wasn’t scared.
Friday night, SS pulls us aside and tells us he no longer feels safe at BM’s house. He asks SO to talk to her about how scared he is and whether she can get cameras.

Saturday morning, SO texts BM VERY carefully because we know how sensitive she can be. He explains how SS is feeling and reassures her that he’s told SS she’s a strong woman who’s fully capable of protecting him and making him feel safe. All he wants is for her to talk to SS and reassure him.

Well, she makes it about HER. Says she’s never been so insulted and humiliated in her life, that SO is lying, and that he’s stupid for entertaining SS’s feelings. She even says she doesn’t want the kids coming to her house anymore and SO can keep them. WTF? Nobody suggested that! He just wanted her to help their son feel safe.

That night, she texts SO saying she’s no longer taking SD to the optometrist or registering the kids for sports.

For context, they take turns handling medical appointments, and this was her turn. She usually handles sports registration because whenever SO pays upfront, getting reimbursed is like pulling teeth. She still owes him for SD’s summer soccer and a dental bill. He covered both kids’ dental expenses ($175 each) after she promised to pay her share within two weeks. Never happened.

SD broke her glasses, so the optometrist appointment is necessary. And I already know BM will somehow blame SO if the kids aren’t registered for sports.
But seriously, we cannot cover $300 for football, $250 MONTHLY for volleyball, AND glasses, knowing she won’t reimburse him. They have 50/50 custody, and he already pays roughly $1,100 in child support.
I understand she’s emotional, but WTF? How did SS expressing fear turn into her refusing to handle the kids’ needs?

And what I dread most is her turning the kids against us over this. We’re all in our 30s. Who wants to keep doing this back-and-forth? It’s exhausting. I’m just tired.

I married for little over a year. Struggling with 5 yr old SD. We have her 50/50. Dad gives in 100% . No time outs, no saying no, or no correction of bad behavior. She fake cries/screams multiple times a day over anything and everything. Husband gets super defensive over her and doesn’t like her upset so gives in all the time. I’ll give an example, one day she has having a meltdown over cheez its. We had gold fish but she didn’t want it. So dad ran to store to get her cheez its. Was she happy… no still came home from store crying. Anyway I feel like can’t correct her. Today I told him to stop giving her gum because she spits it on the floor, 2nd time I’ve told him and he still gives her gum. I’m not scraping it up, it’s gross but there’s like 4-5 gum spots on floor! I refuse to clean it up. Anyway what’s my future looking like with a 5 year old that gets her way and is very disrespectful to adults? Will she grow out of it or just continue to get worse? What do I do ? Just stand by and NACHO? Also she started kindergarten and just got her 1st report card and is behind already. To me I’m concerned but I know she won’t sit and work on school stuff with me. And her mom doesn’t seem much help or her dad. They both parent the same way.

I am struggling with my SO’s relationship with his son 15m he has 50/50 custody EOW. On his weeks off custody he works, he’s a shift worker. He seems to over prioritize his son it to the point he is neglecting our relationship and his own hobbies that keeps him mentally well. He says he always finds time for us… yes, but it’s like barely squeezed into a full weeks’ worth of hanging out with his son and driving him around. He doesn’t do his own hobbies anymore, and I feel he’s just in a much better mood when he’s working on some kind of thing for himself too- that doesn’t involve either me or his son.
I think his son needs friends his own age, and do normal teenager things. Not just be with his dad or at home in his room all the time.
It’s really hurting my relationship with my SO. He gets extremely defensive if I kindly suggest something and says he has responsibilities to his kid first. And I’m not asking him to not do those, I’m glad he wants to be a good dad, but it’s just becoming overkill.
He just seems to have become much more rigid in the last year, and I don’t know how to help.
My SO has also not been there to support me for things I’ve asked him to… important events or things I’ve worked really hard on. Yet will cut time short with me to attend to his sons’ stuff. I know I’m an adult, but I do have needs and feelings too, and I don’t feel that’s being recognized to the level he does with his son. It’s creating some resentment.
I’m feeling like I can’t take it anymore. I love him very much, and attempting to have conversations about it always go south. Do I just wait it out? I hope once his son gets his license in 6 months he will be more independent but I just don’t know. I’m seriously struggling if I can even handle this anymore.

Together 5 years, she wants me to propose, but we’re not on the same page about money. Has anyone been through this?

The background

Hey there,

I’m 30 and she’s 38. I’m a stepfather to two kids, 15 and 7, and we’ve been together for five years. I’m a business owner, and for those five years I’ve paid for everything.

Honestly, I feel like I hit the jackpot with her, even with the kids coming into the relationship. She made me a man. She taught me what it means to take care of others and how to treat a woman. She stayed at home, cooked, and took care of everything, which helped my business a lot. She also helped me heal and feel free inside. I’m grateful for that, and I have a deep connection with both kids. They’re amazing.

It hasn’t been easy, though. This has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through. The kids have two different fathers, and there were problems with child support for both, so lawyers got involved and there was a lot of drama. We moved about seven times in five years. Now I finally have a wonderful home with an office where I work.

Everything is in my name: the house, the car, all of it. She hasn’t had to pay for anything, and her younger kid goes to school near the house.

The problem: money

My business isn’t doing well right now, and I need to put more work into it. Meanwhile, our spending habits are very different.

She isn’t spending on luxury brands, but the smaller things add up. She spent €800 on candle making supplies and now wants to spend another €450. At the same time, I’ve paid about €3,000 in lawyer fees in the last two months.

I have around €70K in an emergency fund, also selling house for 140k that I bought few years ago so we’re not broke. But my cash flow is hurting, and I don’t want to dip into that money for things we don’t need right now. When I bring this up, we don’t end up on the same side.

And how things are right now, even when you go somewhere you pay 100 eur there minimal with kids or whatever, So I have pressure on work, on handling it, and there is also pressure from this

Where things stand

She wants me to propose, and she also wants another child. But she recently told me she’s is not happy in the relationship. I told her I’m okay with that, but realistically she has nowhere to go right now, which makes everything even more complicated. I know I can be a better man, for me I found out that the pressure for making more is dissociating me from the relationship itself

Why I’m hesitant

I don’t think it’s right to propose while I feel this way. I keep reading that money is one of the biggest causes of divorce, and I can’t see how we keep this up long term if we can’t agree on spending.

Another child would also put more pressure on me and the business. I live in Central Europe, right next to Ukraine. There’s a lot of uncertainty, and everything keeps getting more expensive.

What I actually want

I’m not looking for someone perfect. Everyone has good and bad sides. But I want a partner I can sit down with and make a budget, and who is on the same team about it long term. Someone who, when money is tight, would say, “Let’s skip the restaurant and just go for a walk together.”

I know the obvious answer is “just make more money,” and I can build that. But it takes time, and it brings its own pressure. It’s hard when it feels like the person next to you is pulling the other way while you’re trying to build something. Like she goes somewhere in town and doesnt have the navigation inside to not spend, so she doesnt buy bs stuff, but its like we dont need it right now, like for 90 eur buying some fish store, 50 eur there 70 eur there, and money just flies away

My question

Has anyone been in a situation like this? How did you decide whether to commit or walk away?
I love her and kids are amazing and fun, she is amazing woman and got plenty of qualities (from caring, taking care of herself, cooking, managing household, driving, really reliable person, in a way how you would picture the Queen) but this shit is hard af to be honest..

When I was alone without relationship, I was way worse comparing to right now, completely mess and she made me who am I today.

Thank you very much