I feel like I have been baited and switched. My husband when we met was great. He was without his kid per his parenting schedule and I thought man what a catch. Very quickly the little yellow flags showing up around communication, parenting styles, affection but I brushed it off thinking it’s growing pains. Nothing major. Met his kid who was an absolute doll. Super respectful and I stayed because I’m dumb. We fought all the time. I went to therapy but we stayed together. Bought a house, got engaged and then married,all while in the back of my mind thinking is this the man I want? Do I deserve this? And then my pregnancy he was great. Had a baby and the fights are bad and he is so focused on my leaving and taking another kid from him he is forcing me out the door. Idk what of it is my postpartum brain and what is me being gaslit and manipulated. No im not leaving because im dumb and he isn’t a bad dad. He is just an ass. He doesn’t hurt me physically. He just has a shit attitude and his priorities suck. Oh and that angel kid? Starting to get a real shit attitude too. Especially when me and dad fight which is like every other week. I also want to point out I am not the perfect spouse either. I just wish I had listened to myself when I said to get out. But then where would my baby be? She is my miracle, my reason for living and everything I do. Just a rough day. Rant over.

My partner's son (12M) is generally a really good kid; however, he's always had issues with separation anxiety, and recently has had some problems staying on task at school, not turning in assignments, messing around instead of getting work done, etc.
We have 50/50 custody, and I'm starting to notice a pattern that it really ramps up on weeks where his mom doesn't spend a lot of time with him.
She's recently single, and there have been lots of times this year that she spends weekends going out and drops him off with grandparents.
We know this because of what SS says when he comes back, but also because I can secretly view her social media (there were very specific court-related reasons for this at one time, but I still occasionally do it out of curiosity).
Even though I think he feels emotionally closer to dad, he clearly loves both parents and has expressed sadness to his dad at the fact that his mom has to "work" so much, or that she buys him little trinkets when he just wants her time and attention.
I'M definitely not saying anything to anyone about this and it is absolutely not my place.
But I just don't know if something should be said to her? I don't think SS is quite as open with her, and maybe she doesn't realize how much it's affecting him??

Has anyone been through something similar to this?

After 5 days at her mom’s we will spend the next few days getting caught up on the school/ homework her mom doesn’t make sure gets done.

They both have ADHD and executive disfunction, so basically nothing gets done when she is at her mom’s. We spend all our time with SD getting her caught up.

I’m so tired of it. And sad for all of us. My husband hates being the bad guy making her focus and do her work, I miss fun evenings of nails, family games, reading books.

Grade 6 has been a huge adjustment and her mom isn’t adjusting.

(Please don’t blast we are a healthy family. It’s growing pains and adjustments to different phases and needs of a child. No one is neglectful or bad)

I'm posting because I'm genuinely at breaking point and would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has experienced something similar.

I'm currently pregnant with my third child, a baby girl due in February. My fiancé and I both have children from previous relationships. I have two children, and he has a six-year-old daughter.

We're engaged, planning our future together, and should be preparing to welcome our daughter as a family. Instead, we're forced to maintain separate households because of an ongoing Family Court dispute between my fiancé and his ex.

Their court proceedings have been going on for almost FIVE YEARS.

Here's the background.

My fiancé and his ex have had an extremely high-conflict co-parenting relationship for years. He currently has his daughter two days a week, and there is an interim Parenting Order in place.

His ex has made it clear that she does not want me involved in their daughter's life. She has even told my fiancé that she will do everything she can to prevent me from being around her.

I previously had a relationship with his daughter. We spent time together, made jewellery and crafts, and got along well. However, because of the court proceedings, I haven't been allowed to see her for approximately a year.

I've never even met his ex in person.

Despite this, she has made allegations that I'm unstable, unsafe and unsuitable to be around their daughter.

In February, we thought things were finally moving forward.

During court discussions, the judge reportedly made it clear that his ex could not control who my fiancé has in his personal life.

A compromise was reached involving a six-month restriction on me having contact with his daughter, intended to give his ex time to adjust to our relationship.

We complied completely.

No contact, no introductions, no breaches. Nothing.

That six-month period was supposed to end in August.

But just before the Parenting Order was due to be finalised, his ex filed another affidavit alleging that I was unstable, including claims about how pregnancy hormones could supposedly affect my behaviour.

She also requested access to my private medical records in her affidavit.

I cannot explain how invasive and upsetting that feels.

This is a woman I have never met, who is not involved in my medical care, yet she is seeking access to deeply personal information about my health.

I'm pregnant, trying to enjoy this time and prepare for my daughter, and instead I'm having to deal with someone making claims about my mental and emotional stability and attempting to bring my private medical history into her custody dispute.

As far as we're aware, no evidence has been presented establishing that I'm a danger to her daughter.

Yet the finalisation of the Parenting Order was delayed.

And here we are, months later, still unable to move forward.

Now we're potentially facing another reintroduction process that was never part of the original compromise.

We have another directions conference coming up, where further arrangements will be discussed.

What we cannot understand is why we should agree to another lengthy process when we already complied with the original six-month restriction.

And what happens when that process finishes?

What stops his ex from filing another affidavit claiming their daughter feels unsafe or uncomfortable, resulting in yet another delay?

This is our biggest fear.

It feels like every time we approach a resolution, the goalposts move.

There is also a long history of conflict that makes this even harder.

His ex has sent him abusive and insulting messages, called him a deadbeat father, mocked their previous relationship, and made derogatory comments about me.

Police reports have been made regarding her behaviour, and alleged breaches of the Parenting Order have been brought to the court's attention.

Yet from our perspective, there have been no meaningful consequences.

Meanwhile, my fiancé feels he has to be absolutely perfect in everything he does because any mistake could potentially be used against him.

His daughter has also reportedly repeated statements such as "Mummy thinks you're crazy," "Mummy doesn't like you," and "Mummy says you're unsafe."

She has even expressed worry about whether she will be allowed to meet her baby sister when she's born.

It breaks my heart that a six-year-old is caught up in these adult issues.

My fiancé is representing himself, while his ex has legal representation, which adds another layer of stress.

Now here's where my pregnancy and our future come into it.

Because I cannot be around his daughter under the current restrictions, my fiancé and I cannot live together as a blended family while he has her in his care.

We live in separate homes, only minutes apart.

For a significant portion of every week, I'm effectively living as a single mother while pregnant, caring for my two children and managing everything that comes with that.

One of my children has additional needs, which makes everyday life more demanding.

My fiancé and I love each other, but we cannot build the family life we planned.

I'm missing out on having my partner consistently present during my pregnancy. He's missing out on everyday moments with me and our unborn daughter.

And now I'm terrified about what happens when our baby arrives.

Am I supposed to recover from childbirth, care for a newborn, manage my other two children and continue living separately from my fiancé because his ex continues to oppose our relationship?

Our daughter deserves to have her father present too.

I fully understand that his older daughter needs her father. I've never wanted to take that away from her. But I also cannot ignore the needs of our baby or the children already in my household.

It feels like we're being asked to sacrifice one family indefinitely to maintain the current arrangements with another.

We have now reached the point of discussing whether my fiancé can realistically continue his existing care arrangements if the court proceedings keep dragging on.

That is not a conversation either of us ever imagined having.

We've discussed the possibility of him stepping away from regular day-to-day care while continuing to meet his financial responsibilities, because we're genuinely struggling to see another way of creating a stable household for our newborn.

It's an incredibly difficult possibility, especially because his daughter is innocent in all of this.

But after almost five years of litigation, we're questioning whether there will ever be an end.

Every compromise seems to lead to another demand. Every expected resolution seems to turn into another delay.

And through all of this, we're losing time that we will never get back.

I should be enjoying my pregnancy, preparing our home, and looking forward to bringing our daughter into a stable family environment.

Instead, I'm anxious about court dates, affidavits, allegations, demands for my medical records, and whether my fiancé will even be able to live with us when our daughter is born.

I would really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar.

Has anyone experienced a high-conflict co-parenting situation where one parent repeatedly opposed a new partner being involved?

Have you experienced restrictions being extended despite complying with previous arrangements?

Has anyone had an ex-partner attempt to obtain their new partner's private medical records during custody proceedings?

Did the Family Court eventually establish a clear resolution, or did the litigation continue for years?

And for those who have had a baby with someone already involved in a prolonged custody dispute, how did you protect your relationship and your newborn's needs without allowing the conflict to consume your entire family?

I'm exhausted. I love my fiancé, I want our family together, and I just want this endless uncertainty to stop.

Almost all details changed because I have such distrust of HCBM that I am paranoid she will see this somehow and know it is me 😅

I have been with my partner for almost 4 years, nacho-ing for vast majority of that after HCBM's mental health dissolved a few months into our relationship and she became impossible for me to even begin to co-coparent with.

SD age 8 has recently begun an afterschool sport. She has practices 2x per week and games 2x per week. My fiancé has taken her to the first practice/game over the weekend, but he insinuated to her that I would surely attend the next game 😑 Which I wish he hadn't done in front of her before discussing. Games 2x a week feels like...a lot to me and I am already dealing with burnout from work and do not wish to spend my free time in a stinky gymnasium in proximity to HCBM. SD also already has 2 parents there attending and supporting, and her older brother.

I am not going to complain about my relationship communication issues lol, but I am curious if other nacho style step-parents attend sports games regularly or if that ventures into 'cho problem territory lol?

Title: Am I wrong for thinking my girlfriend needs to cut ties with her daughter's non-biological father? She's only 4.

I'm looking for some genuinely unbiased opinions because this situation has become a major issue in my relationship.

My girlfriend and I live together with her 4-year-old daughter. I've stepped into the father-figure role, help raise her, provide for our household, and pay for her private schooling. I love this little girl and treat her like my own.

Here's where things get complicated.

My girlfriend's ex is NOT the biological father. However, he's been in this little girl's life since she was born and helped raise her. They were together for several years before their relationship ended.

He has only physically seen her twice in approximately four months, but they still communicate through FaceTime. I'm not against the little girl having relationships with people who love her, but there are some serious boundary issues.

When he found out my girlfriend and I were together, he made some extremely disrespectful comments about me, including wishing physical harm on me. He also frequently asks the child questions about what her mother is doing.

The FaceTime calls also seem to happen when I'm away at work. My girlfriend sometimes gets involved in these conversations, shares details about school and our daily life, and has even allowed him to discipline her over the phone before I've had an opportunity to address the situation myself. He uses this as a way to stay in contact with her constantly.

Now the little girl has invited him to lunch at her private school, and my girlfriend is entertaining the idea. I have completely shut that down.

This is where I draw the line. I don't believe he should have unrestricted access to our family's daily life, especially when he has been openly disrespectful toward me and isn't consistently present in the child's life.

My girlfriend tells me I'm the father figure now and that we're raising her together, but at the same time, she continues treating her ex like an active co-parent.

I've spoken to several friends, and their opinion is that because he isn't her biological father, has limited involvement, and she's only 4, it would be better to cut ties and allow her to move forward with the family we're building. They believe she's young enough to adjust without significant long-term consequences.

My girlfriend believes removing him from her life could emotionally hurt her because he's been around since birth.

I understand both perspectives, but I also believe there needs to be a point where we establish boundaries and move forward as a family.

She has been honest with me and has told me that she wants him out of the picture, but doesn't want to ruin her mentally.

My questions are:

1. Is 4 years old actually young enough that removing a former father figure wouldn't cause lasting emotional harm, or are my friends completely wrong?

2. Should a non-biological father who helped raise a child maintain contact after the relationship ends?

3. Is it unreasonable for me to expect boundaries regarding FaceTime, school involvement, discipline, and communication with my girlfriend?

4. At what point does maintaining this relationship create more confusion than stability for the child?

I'm genuinely asking for opinions, including from people who've been through something similar. I'm not looking for everyone to agree with me. I want to understand what's actually best for the child while also protecting the boundaries of our household.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a couple of months but we have known each other through work for a few years now. We are both adults with a previous marriage behind us and while I am child free (not by my choice) he has 3 daughters 24-27. I have met the middle one and we have established a good relationship and I think I found an ally in her. The other 2 are autistic and the youngest one lives with her mom and does not work currently. My bf gets her out of the house one day a week when she is not too anxious to go out. She is a very bright kid and has completed a degree. I am not questioning his commitment! I am 39 and I simply don’t know how to approach this. I am not experienced with dating anyone with kids, and if this is going anywhere eventually I will need to build a relationship with all his kids. I am not rushing the process. I am curently assessing if this is a viable future. So anyone out there with any good advice?

I 31 F have been with my SO for almost three years. SS(7) will stay with us every other weekend, holidays and additional time in the summer.

Without getting too into the weeds, BM (currently married, and has 2 stepchildren) has just not really liked me from the get go. She is constantly wanting to know when we’re getting engaged and if I’m pregnant. Which genuinely bothers me given my fertility issues. Plus I just don’t think it’s appropriate for her to be asking those sorts of questions. I have since then told SO to draw boundaries with her and make known the inappropriateness. They don’t want to be in the court system which I think is amicable. However, it’s just been really rocky this past year. He pays essentially what it would cost him in the courts already, however, everything is based on her rules. When we can see him, where we go, what he can and cannot do, etc. it seems very overbearing. Is that normal?

I love my SO and we plan on getting engaged this next year. So with that I just need some advice or shared experiences with navigating this stepparent life. It’s sometimes tough to deal with situations such as SS’s behavior and education. Anytime BM has difficulties with his behavior she FaceTimes my SO to reprimand him. For example, after we dropped SS off he was acting out, and she FaceTimed SO and said that Daddy will buy him new legos, trying to get him to stop his tantrum. I looked at SO and said “no, we do not reward bad behavior with new toys.” I feel like there are major inconsistencies at the different households. Does that ever create issues for the child, and if so, how do you manage that? A lot of times BM will FaceTime SO while at work in the afternoon (while I am not around) half the time SS isn’t even on the phone because he’s occupied with something else, is that typical/normal as well? I am not sure if I am reading into it or not but just given what I know (without broadcasting it), I am a little skeptical.

Would appreciate any advice or experiences to help me navigate this role.

Just out of curiosity because I'm (31M) in a relationship with a woman (36F) who has 3 children. We don't live together but I'm crazy about her and we've been together a year and a half. I've already had the "you're not my dad" arguments and what not. I'm just wondering what it's like for long term commitment to anybody in that role. Thank you.

I have been with my partner for 5.5 years and share a nearly 2 year old with him. When we first met, he had his 2 children every other weekend and a night in the week. The children's mother then got heavy drug use and the living conditions at hers spiralled. They children have been with us full time for over 10 months now. She has never had a clean drugs test in that time, and is now throwing accusations of addiction onto me and my partner. I have loved these children as much as my own, pay for them, love them, raise them. Being a step mum is the most unrewarding job in the world. Everyone in her family (including her) speak to me like shit, and tell me I am nothing and have no PR so should butt out. They are living in the home I own in my sole name, which I bought specifically because my old house was too small for three children. It is so painful. You are excited to love and behave like a mother, but you get none of the recognition or authority. I recall when she was 3, my DSD was in a ballet production covered in made up and a tiny outfit with eyelash extensions. It was awful to love that tiny soul and have no control over her life. Now I am in no man's land of having all the burden and only have the hope 'one day the kids will love you for it'.

My (Step mom 25) step daughter is turning 10!!! Yay! I had originally planned to go to a trampoline park but decided against it as She had asked for too many kids to go, so we are sticking with a fancy big girl sleepover! She’s picking her own dinner for me to cook and a big ol cake and decorations. Step daughter’s mother found out we made a change and is enraged. Booked the event anyway when we had plans at church for Pastor retiring at the same time. And told us we can come or not and that she wants her child to be able to trust adults and that step daughter still needs to be celebrated. Mind you this is the weekend before her actually birthday (which SD’s mom won’t be in town for) AND SD mom has a TN trip planned for SD next weekend… What’s going on here…

This is incredibly hard to share, but we’re exhausted and don’t know what to do next. I have posted about my stepson before and the struggles we've had navigating all this, but he last few week have only gotten "worse".

My 14-year-old stepson has autism, ADHD, a suspected PDA profile, anxiety, and abandonment issues. He’s been living with us full-time since July, although he’s been with us most of the time since last December due to conflict at his mom’s house. Over the last three months, we’ve seen him make genuine efforts to work on himself and communicate better. We want nothing more than to help him feel safe, understood, and supported.

We try to use a semi-low-demand approach, give him autonomy wherever possible, explain our boundaries, and negotiate when reasonable. We don’t want to assume he’s being deliberately difficult because we know there may be a lot happening beneath the surface that we don’t see.

However, over the last couple of weeks, things have escalated to a point that genuinely scares us.

He recently hurt himself at school out of frustration over rumors. He also told the school counselor that he wanted to tackle the school resource officer, take their gun, and destroy it. He was removed from school and activities until completing an outpatient program. He has also made comments about wanting to hurt himself and others, leading to mental health evaluations and a safety planning meeting before returning to school. We have no weapons in our home, and we keep knives locked away.

While my husband and I were away on an anniversary trip, he stayed with his grandparents, who he has stayed with many times before and was genuinely excited to visit. We had discussed the trip with him two months in advance and felt comfortable with the arrangement based on our previous experiences. We had no reason to anticipate that things would escalate the way they did.

The day before we came back from our trip, was the same day he made the comment about the school resource officer, his grandparents told him he couldn’t see friends because they had errands to run. He escalated, punched his grandpa when his grandpa intervened to stop him from hitting a glass door, ran away, abandoned his belongings, and threatened to break things in their home.

He was hospitalized for three days after telling police he was having thoughts of hurting himself and reporting that he had tried to walk into traffic after running away. Before his admission, he told hospital staff he felt abandoned by his mom and neglected.

He was discharged because the hospital felt he no longer needed inpatient care. That same evening, he had another meltdown over attending the outpatient program required before returning to school. He has now started the program, but we’re constantly on edge about what might happen the next time he becomes overwhelmed.

He has a history of screaming, cursing, punching walls, breaking windows, running away, and making threats when dysregulated, including at his mom’s house. These behaviors aren’t entirely new, but the intensity and frequency of what has happened recently feel different.

When we hold a boundary, he may continue pushing, pleading, and escalating. We don’t want to increase demands or become more controlling if he’s already overwhelmed, but we also can’t safely accommodate every request. Being told no has always been difficult, but we’ve generally been able to navigate it. Now, seemingly small disappointments can turn into major crises.

I’m concerned about his abandonment issues and the comments he's made at school. His relationship with his mom has deteriorated significantly over the last several months, and she has pulled away almost completely. He has repeatedly told us he feels abandoned by her and expressed those same feelings to hospital staff. We know we can’t repair their relationship for them, but we’re trying to understand how much this may be affecting his ability to regulate himself.

He sees a therapist weekly, but we feel he needs significantly more support than he’s currently receiving. We want to exhaust appropriate options and find the right level of care before considering residential placement. His mom has been pushing for residential placement since March, and we worry that if it happens, he’ll feel like we sided with her and gave up on him. At the same time, we have to be realistic that if he needs more help than we can provide at home, and we can’t keep everyone safe, we have to consider that possibility. But we do not want to do residential care, it is a LAST resort.

The hardest part is that this is affecting our entire family, including his older sister.

My 15-year-old stepdaughter has been away from our home for almost two months because of her brother’s meltdowns and aggression. We want her to feel safe and comfortable coming back, but we also understand why she may not want to be around everything that has been happening.

My husband stays in contact with her and desperately wants to spend one-on-one time with her. He’s unsure how to approach that without making her feel pressured.

We’re also dealing with a very difficult relationship with the kids’ mom. We feel constantly blamed and degraded, and we worry that she’s intentionally creating distance between us and my stepdaughter. We don’t want to assume we know exactly how our daughter feels or put her in the middle, but we desperately want to maintain our relationship with her and help her feel secure in our home again.

Meanwhile, my stepson continues to struggle with feeling abandoned by his mom. She has been saying for months that she’ll spend time with him, but repeatedly cancels or tells him no. Watching him continue to hope for that relationship and then be disappointed is heartbreaking.

We may also be expecting an "ours" baby, which adds another layer of worry and stress.

We love both kids. We don’t want one child’s needs to overshadow the other’s, and we don’t want to give up on my stepson son. But we also need to protect my step daughter’s sense of safety and make sure she knows she still has a place with us, even when things are difficult.

I’m not looking for judgment or advice to simply be stricter, give in to everything, or send him away. We’re trying so hard to understand what he needs, what we might be missing, and how to help both children without destroying ourselves in the process.

This is incredibly vulnerable for me to share. I want both of them to feel safe, loved, and understood. I want my stepson to have a good life where he understands himself rather than constantly struggling against the world, and I want my stepdaughter to know she hasn’t lost her place in our family.

We know we can’t control what happens at their mom’s house or force either child to feel a certain way about us, that has never been our intentions. We can only keep trying to learn, support them, and make the best decisions we can with the information we have.

We aren't sure if my stepson is in burnout or if we are missing something obvious. He had done PHP and IOP at the beginning of the year with couple of family session. He is currently in an outpatient program. We aren't sure where to go from here..

Long Story Short: My 14-year-old stepson has autism, ADHD, a suspected PDA profile, anxiety, and abandonment issues. Despite our efforts to use a semi-low-demand approach and support him, his behavior has escalated significantly over the last few weeks. He has hurt himself, made threats about harming himself and others (including a comment about destorying a school resource officer’s gun), punched his grandpa during a meltdown, run away, and been hospitalized after expressing suicidal thoughts. His relationship with his mom has deteriorated, and he feels abandoned by her. We’re trying to figure out whether this could be PDA burnout, trauma, anxiety, or something else, because weekly therapy doesn’t feel like enough anymore. Residential placement has been pushed by his mom, but we desperately want to exhaust other options first. This is also affecting my 15-year-old stepdaughter, who hasn’t been coming to our home for almost two months because of his meltdowns and aggression. My husband is trying to maintain his relationship with her while managing everything with his son. We’re also potentially expecting an “ours” baby, adding more worries about how to support everyone. We love both kids and don’t want either to feel forgotten or given up on, but we’re exhausted and scared, and we know we need more help.

Any child-free spouses living apart from their spouse & stepkids...? For context, my (42F) husband (49M) & I met long distance in 2021; within 3 years we were​ living together with his 60% kid (now 12M),​ had a new house, a new dog, & were married.

We did everything so stupidly fast & tbh I'm just not happy. I love my husband, he is genuinely my best friend and I don't want to lose him, but I can't be a SP anymore. I've tried fully co-parenting, which BM is not a fan of & my husband & I constantly argue anyway because we have very different parenting approaches. I've tried NACHO but it's impossible ​not to be involved, and my SS & I do have a very good relationship. But even when I'm not "parenting", a child is just this black hole that sucks up every bit of time, energy, & attention and gives nothing back...

My husband has to live within the school district and tbh I hate the town he lives in. There are places I like much better nearby. The kid also has a lot of activities and is straining finances & making me feel the need to protect my paychecks, which is causing distrust between us. Our marriage is really suffering and with our marriage issues, SP'ing, 2 needy pets, a town I hate, a house to take care of, ​& a very demanding new job that I just got, my therapist is concerned that I'm heading for complete burnout.

I'll be talking to my husband ​and proposing that we step back slightly...we'll extricate our finances, I'll find a small place in the city, and we can each live our own life while we're still in a relationship together. He can focus on getting his kid through high school and I can focus on re-building a life that doesn't ​center him & a 12-yo. We'll revisit moving in together once the kid is done with high school. Honestly it's what we should've done in the first place.

Now to be clear - my husband will HATE the idea lol. But tbh, I'm getting to the point where I'm just ready to leave regardless. Has anyone done this arrangement before? ​

I got married about six months ago, and my husband has two children. His son is great (he’s driving age) and we have no issues at all. His daughter (6F) is a nightmare. She is enabled by her mother to act like a monster and demands ALL of the attention, ALL of the time.

I am unsure of what my place is as a stepparent. I usually wouldn’t mind to watch her or step up to do whatever is needed, but honestly with her, I DO mind. She thinks of me as a friend and not any type of authority figure, so she does not listen to me when I am alone with her. She throws tantrums like crazy. Now don’t get me wrong, I can normally handle a child, but with her, I feel like I have all of the expectations and none of the authority.

I don’t want any responsibility for her. I don’t want to be alone with her and expected to watch her, I don’t want to take her places, I don’t want to clean up after her, or play with her, or anything of the sort, until her behavior is addressed. I am never mean or unfair to her, in fact, quite the opposite, I do a great job of not letting my feelings show.

My question is, is it acceptable for me to not want anything to do with parenting her, or do I resign myself to it because I married a man with kids?

Let me add: my husband is working on addressing her behavior but it is slow going when all his progress is set back after she goes to BM’s house for a few days.

Has anyone ever regretted choosing to have their first child with someone who already has a kid?! Understandably both of you are going through your own emotions/experiences but along with the sacrifices that come with SP do you ever wish you could have shared this experience with someone who is also experiencing this for the first time? I've been in two relationships with children involved and ultimately the drama wasn't my main complaint. One was money, two were accepting dealing with SO's exs and not my own, third and why I ask...we know how much a child can and does impact your life..I guess at the very least I wanted to have such a life changing experience to be shared for the first time with someone who is also going through this the first time.

Ffwd I like this guy, he has children and I start wandering over here to see if getting involved would be worth it ( as if my last two examples weren't enough) but the last relationship was 6yrs ago. Going through this sub, I've seen drama, financial issues, scheduling issues ,NACHO parenting, venting, breakthroughs etc. just hadn't seen thoughts on this in particular and wanted to get some perspective. It's been reinforced that becoming a SP is not on my bingo card.

My husband & I have been together for almost 8 years. When I first met my husband, my stepdaughter was 8 years old. My husband & his ex wife had been divorced for 4 years prior to us dating. My SD was the sweetest kid. Her & I clicked instantly. We never had any issues & she was a huge part of our lives. My husband worked in law enforcement & had a crazy schedule so when they first got divorced, he only had her every other weekend. When we started dating, he switched jobs & we ended up moving to split (50/50) custody. We had a great family bond. His ex wife & I got along pretty well & we all co-parented decently with minimal issues. My SD is now 16, almost 17. And recently just got her first boyfriend & a car. And this is where all of our issues started. Her mom gives her everything she wants & that has always been our biggest issue. We have co-parented well but have always struggled with this aspect. My husband & I have sat boundaries such as a curfew, communication, etc. normal parenting stuff, but with her mom she doesn’t have to do any of that. Her boyfriend spends the night with her at her mom’s house & they never tell her no. Her boyfriend has told her that their relationship is “too hard” when she’s with us & not at her mom’s. Now, my SD says she wants to live with her mom full time & is tired of our boundaries. We told her that we are willing to let her stay at her mom’s more often as long as she communicates with us, but we are not interested in only seeing her every other weekend over what her boyfriend told her. She has since not come home & stayed at her mom’s regardless of whose week it is. We have tried to talk to her & her mom about all of it, but she just keeps saying that it’s her choice & we should respect her “grown up decision”. SD is refusing to speak to us because we “don’t respect her” and we don’t let her do whatever she likes. Since dating this boy, she has lost all of her friends, grades are struggling & she has quit all of her sports. My husband was very honest with her & told her that he sees this trend & he does not support this relationship because of all the damage it does. But his ex wife is more worried about being best friends with her than parenting her. SD has become incredibly disrespectful during this time & has been awful to deal with. I have grown incredibly resentful of her & her mom over all of this. I’m not sure what to do. I truly feel like we have not been mean, disrespectful to her or terrible to deal with. We just see what road she is going down & want to prevent her from making the same choices that we did when we were her age. SD & her mom keeps telling us that we need to apologize to her for being mean. They also said that they have decided that they are no longer obeying the custody order & going to keep doing what they want. Are we in the wrong here?

Hi I am new here and could use some advice. My partner has a child from a previous relationship, who was unplanned and the bio mom didn’t want an abortion because she was scared to tell her religious mom about it. To me, a very short sighted and selfish reason they were only dating for a couple months and not even an actual couple at this point when it happened. I am a planner who has spent my whole life trying to fix myself and work hard to make money to be able to create a safe and steady base to support a child from a well adjusted place. I told myself I could have kids if I made enough of a positive impact in the world to deserve that joy. I care so much about doing things right. And the bio mom made this decision carelessly to bring a child into the world with zero plans, savings, mental stability, or even reading books about it. She is bipolar and a felon, and had a child because she was scared of her own mommy. She lefts the two year old play in YouTube kids and watch coco melon brain rot that will turn her into a dopamine addicted person without a fighting chance.

I have absolutely no ill will towards the child at all, I think she’s lovely and fun and beautiful and great, but every day my anger at the bio mom grows larger and larger. I know I’m triangulating the frustration that I feel towards my partner too, because he did not push hard and accepted her decision, but at the end of the day the bio mom has the most say in that choice.

I know that I will end up being financially responsible for this child if me and my partner stay together because I am by far the most successful person out of the three of us, and I feel like I have to choose between the blank slate of a new family without this bio moms influence, or my partner who I love and who I know is an excellent father, but who is attached to this woman who I hate with a passion. Again, I do mean it when I say that I have no resentment towards the co old, but I have resentment towards that fact that all my hard work will go towards someone else’s selfish and impulsive choice. And I suspect that my attempts to help instill the skills that will be needed to survive in a harsh world will be seen as evil stepmothering.

Has anyone else experienced this? I need some community here. How can I handle these emotions? How can I make peace with this? How can I prevent myself from putting any of this negativity onto the child? I would rather not be in the relationship at all than risk harming the child emotionally by having her internalize any of this. I haven’t met the bio mom and I don’t think I should because I’m afraid if I know her personality I’ll start seeing those things in the daughter as negative, and I want to see and appreciate everything about the daughter without letting any of it be made negative by association. But maybe I’m wrong for that. Please help.

Just a rant to say that I think the current child support system is bullsh*t.

My husband has to pay $450 of child support a month. Which I know isn’t much compared to a lot of people but we not only have my SS 50/50, but we also pay for his healthcare, his extracurriculars and most of his major expenses. Ex. If SS needs new shoes BM is calling us for money or we’re taking him to get them ourselves.

I know the point of child support isn’t actually for the child but to “equalize the living conditions” but BM has not had a job in 3 years even know my husband has offered to help her job search for something online so she can stay with the kids. Oh and she has 4 other kids with 2 different BDs who are also on CS. It’s getting really hard to not feel like we’re just paying to support her to sit on her ass and pump out kids. It doesn’t help that I’m 19 weeks pregnant AND still working.

Also they dated 6 months in high school 15 years ago it’s not like they were married for years. Like I know they have child together so he owes her support in regards to the child but I don’t think we should have to support her lifestyle.

Just a rant because there’s nothing we can actually do about it. AND I just found out our state can force you to continue paying child support all the way through college. What a scam.

Edit

This post is a lot more divisive then I thought it would be lol

First of all, this is rant in a community where stepparents are supposed to be able to rant. Yes I married my husband knowing he had a kid and I fully support his obligation to the child AND mother. Yes I love the stepson as if he were my own and we have a great relationship. The two facts above do not mean I cannot be frustrated with having to pay BMs bills even if that’s what needs to be done to ensure stability for SS

Second of all, we already plan on supporting HIM through college. Not the BM. We have a college fund for him. We drove him to look at schools l. We have set aside money to help him pay for dorms and books. So these comments about paying CS through college not being a scam because “we’re helping support him” is wild because the money would go to her not him lol.

Third, this is the most recent CS from the plan which was updated after she stopped working 3 years ago.

I’m currently in a step mom to a five year old. SO and I are deciding whether or not to try for our own. I’m certain, he’s not. The kicker is I’m almost forty and probably have run out of time to find someone else to have a family with. I’m really unsure if I will be happy with being a step mom, but not a mom. It almost feels like a cruel tease.

Has anyone been in this situation before and have advice? I love my SO and his child, but I worry I’ll become resentful of my role as a step parent when I so badly wanted to become a mom. But is it worth leaving an otherwise happy relationship just to be childless?

I've spoken here before, but I just need to get some thoughts out. I'm planning on leaving, before you guys turn around and assume on my situation, I hope you will choose to understand before choosing to misunderstand me. There's a ton of details on this subreddit that many people are unable to provide. Oftentimes, there's too many details to put in one place before everyone thinks the post is too long.

All I want to say is, my parents home is unsafe for me, I really have no friends I can go to, I have no financial independence, unfortunately I rely on my SO right now. We live together. He sees his kids on a certain basis I won't explain for sake of my own privacy outside of our apartment. I live here, but we basically gave each other one year before I would have to move in with him and his children in another home.

I'm extremely unhappy with my situation and I don't know how to get out. I am looking for jobs, but unfortunately from years ago having CO poisoning, I got my identity stolen when I was more disabled. I'm still disabled, but sadly this prevents me from getting most jobs/bank accounts. I'm drowning. I feel like I don't have many options.

I really dislike my SOs kids and I haven't even met them. I've heard from them over the phone and everything I know about their upbringing especially from HCBM's home is terrible and terrifying to put two young children through. I don't blame them of course, but being autistic and extremely mentally ill myself, this is impossible. Anyway, again I don't really know what I'm looking for from y'all. I just needed a safe place to say I'm afraid to tell any of my friends that I dislike these children and that that's the reason the relationship isn't working out. Other than this I love the man so much, and before you get on me for saying I never have met the kids - the HCBM has done plenty to ruin my chances/experiences of meeting them. So in the year of dating, although I've given opportunities to have low pressure introductions, the chances get thwarted before they even have a chance of fruiting. Things like HCBM changing pick up times or days moments before the change, calling and asking specifically if I'm there so HCBM can meet me with the kids, etc. The HCBM even asked me to leave the apartment before the kids came the first time that we attempted to have me meet the kids and then I totalled my car on the way home because it was raining terribly and I lived 4 states across at this point with a LDR. Now my SO has moved to this state because he is originally from here and wants to raise his kids here.

Before any of y'all call me an evil step parent, just know I'm disabled, mentally ill, poor, and still attempting to leave! I'm highly self aware of the position I'm in and again, am searching for empathetic comments. PLEASE no "you knew what you were getting yourself into" comments or "you know what to do."

I don't even really need advice or anything. I'm fighting for my life. I just need a kind word or two I guess. Some encouragement for my road ahead.

EDITS: misspelled words

When I first met DH, he was getting SS(now 12) on weekends, school breaks, and half the summer. This was the schedule the entire 6 years I’ve been in the picture. I have two kids from my previous marriage, and we also have 2 together now. We’ve been unhappy for years…but I stick it out because I don’t wanna have to give up any parenting time with my two youngest (5 and 7 months.)

Late 2025, BM got into legal trouble related to a DUI(found out it was not her first offense), and ended up doing 6 months in jail and 6 months in a halfway house. Released this month. Dad got temporary custody during this time. I was under the impression this was indeed temporary until mom was released and back home.

The issue is…I do EVERYTHING. Every school drop off and pick up (dad is gone for work before SS even wakes up), and because of the long commute, he’s not home til 6ish. I cook every meal to prevent dad from feeding the kids nothing but pizza and fast food since he “doesn’t know how to cook.” I do all the laundry. The grocery shopping. The cleaning. I remind dad about literally everything so SS doesn’t have to miss out on things. He has no clue how to be a primary parent without someone to assist him. I also do everything for my bio kids and our 2 kids(which I’ve accepted because I made the choice to have them and I have no other choice now.) I do all the extracurriculars and sports. I work full time and make more than dad. Im 7 months postpartum. Friday and/or Saturday nights dad is gone hanging out with friends at their houses or a bar. Saturday during the day he works with this brother for 6-8 hours for some extra money. Any time I take the kids somewhere fun on weekends, dad is unavailable and I have to go places and juggle 5 kids by myself. The alternative is them sitting in the house every single weekend, which dad would be just fine with.

Now that BM is released, I asked Dad what changes to expect in the schedule. He said nothing will change, BM will just get him some weekends. I know for a fact he’s only doing this because he doesn’t wanna pay her child support anymore and wants to be the one who calls the shots. Maybe he also thinks I’m a better “mother figure” than BM, but that’s not my responsibility. He chose her to be the mother of his child and can’t just replace her with me. My hands are already full and I’m overwhelmed as a working mom. SS is going through puberty and isn’t always great to be around all the time. Why am I doing all the heavy lifting while the actual parents do little to nothing?! I asked if he would be open to 50/50 (maybe week on/week off) with BM and he said he only wants full custody.

BM took him this weekend for the first time since last year, and I was relieved to finally get a break. Apparently, she had to drop him off early (Saturday night instead of Sunday) and no one communicated anything with me. He just popped up at the door Saturday night and then expected me to make something for dinner. dad was out with his friends and told me nothing. This lack of communication and consideration felt like my final straw.

I feel like an evil stepmom for not wanting to pick up the load like other stepmoms do…but I never wanted this much responsibility. I wanted to be an addition to SS’s life. Not his entire support system while BM and dad live their lives care-free.

I (32f) have been dating my boyfriend (45m), let's call him Josh, for over two years and living with him for the past year and a half. He is one of the kindest, funniest and good hearted people out there but when it comes to his 15 year old daughter, we'll call her Alice, he doesn't know how to be strict with her.

When we met, he and Alice were living in his mom's house. A little over a year ago, we bought a house together. We have tried bringing her to the house and I even put together a pink basket with towels, makeup rags, a notebook, a candle etc. to help her feel welcome and know that her needs will be met (we give the love we want to receive and she loves making themed baskets for her friends). She still hasn't moved in and has only been to the house briefly 3-4 times. He doesn't want to upset her by uprooting her life so instead we stay on his mom's property on his days with her.

During this time, Alice has grown close with her grandmother. Her own mother is as absentee as you can get while still seeing her kid 2 days a week and Alice will usually try to stay over friends' houses (even on weeknights) or with her grandmother instead. Her grandmother is the only person I've seen who calls her out for her attitude or bad behavior but Josh doesn't seem concerned at all.

The only time I've ever seen her in trouble was when she got black-out drunk at 13 and had to be rushed to the hospital. They later found pictures on her friend's phone that showed that they regularly drank together but Josh was convinced that she was innocent. Since all this, I have seen her take sips of his drinks without him saying anything. When the adults would make mimosas, he would give her a shot's worth until she looked at him funny and then he'd give her a full glass. When she was caught smoking, he told her only that he knew but has also let her know that he was doing worse at her age. She has been caught sneaking 17 year old boys into her room (three times) as late as 2 a.m. with no consequences other than "WTF" texts.

Two weeks ago, we took her on her first date. I've been into apple cider recently and wanted to know if she'd like to go to an apple orchard and she asked if she could bring a friend. We said, of course. Before we left, she asked him if her outfit was okay. It was a very short jean skirt that was loose her on her and a white tank top and he said that it was okay. The skirt slid around all day. She couldn't even pick apples because she couldn't bend down or even sit without the skirt riding up. This wasn't even nearly as bad as the outfits she wore when we went to Europe where her skirt rode up and we had to keep telling her to pull it down because her butt was literally hanging out by like 2 inches on the streets of Paris. Rather than tell her to put something else on, he took her on a photo shoot and endorsed her when she put the pictures on her public Instagram. She went to a concert at a casino with a ripped crop top shirt, short shorts and stiletto knee high boots which he also endorsed her putting on her public Instagram.

Sometimes he just acts like a brother to her. If she falls asleep on the couch, he'll grab her foot to scare her awake then laugh. He likes to pick on her but has trouble correcting her. He's told me he's scared of making her hate him. He texts her like a jealous boyfriend (4-5 texts in a row) and will be talking to her while she's supposed to be at school or late at night when she should be sleeping. She'll respond with 1-2 word responses but he'll keep going. She puts herself to bed but regularly misses the bus (she's gotten better she used it miss it about once every week or two) and typically parents herself but up until this past year, he was still cutting her food for her. She had a school project recently and I had to tell him that instead of doing the work for her, he should be teaching her how to use the tools so she can gain the skills and confidence to do it herself. She doesn't have chores and is rarely even asked to clean her room anymore. I have seen her take care of her plate after dinner, but I've also seen her ask him to do it for her, which he will while her grandmother constantly complains about the dishes in her room.

Lately, she's been on this kick of interrupting people to show him something on her phone. The first time I noticed was after she had asked her grandmother for a favor to bring her somewhere. As her grandmother was speaking, Alice turns to her dad with her phone and starts talking about her fantasy football team while her grandmother was mid-sentence. I've seen her do it a couple times and she's even done it to me. I thought it was ADHD at first but when she did it immediately as Josh and I were asked about my birthday plans, it was hard not to take it personally. He never corrects her or suggests to let the other person finish speaking, instead he just joins her conversation and shuts the rest of us out.

No one else seems to be concerned with her behavior and Josh has made comments that she will figure things out when she's an adult. While she's not always the warmest kid (I mean...she's 15), I still really care about her and want her to have a good life and be successful. Josh thinks she's a good kid who will be fine but I worry about someone who has never been taught accountability, empathy or resilience. Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this? Did the kid turn out okay? As an adult figure who is not technically in a parental role, is there anything I can do to help guide her without crossing boundaries?

I’m looking for some honest advice. I have recently bought a house with my partner who has 4 children from a previous relationship - 24m, 15m, 13m and 9m. The 3 youngest are with us 50% of the time. We own the house 50/50 and I contribute 50% towards all the household bills. We are currently in the process of redecorating and have prioritized getting the kids rooms ready and I am doing most of the work in terms of painting and decorating. A few months ago, my partner and I picked out a carpet we were going to lay in all the rooms in the house. I spent a long time choosing the carpet, getting the samples, considering various options - I understand it’s not important to everyone but making a good choice is important to me. Fast forward to now and my eldest step child (15m) has decided he wants to have a different carpet in his room in a colour that I really dislike. I explained to my partner how I felt about it and I asked him to back me up and support the decision we had already made. I have never asked him to back me up before, so that felt quite significant for me. He agreed to do it but has now come back and asked me to compromise again (i.e let the SS decide). I have let the kids pick the colour and decoration in the rest of the room, but I don’t feel like a teenager should be encouraged to make executive decisions about our home, especially when they are expensive and semi-permanent. My partner and I had an argument about it which ended by him telling me that I will need to explain to SS about the carpet choice. I don’t know why but it’s brought up a lot of feelings for me about feeling under appreciated, not being supported, having to live my life under the control of 4 kids and feeling that my opinion doesn’t matter. There are lots of other difficulties about living with the kids which are way more disruptive than this but for some reason this has really bothered me. I am also 8 weeks pregnant so I am also worrying about what this means for what it will be like when we have our own baby (and whether my opinion and new baby’s will also be ignored) or whether my hormones are just raging and I am being completely unreasonable!

I am engaged and my fiancé has a 15 yo daughter and a 10 yo son. I usually don’t stay the night with her when her son is there, but last night we tried for the first time. When she has her kids, he still sleeps in her bed with her. Going into last night, she asked him before hand if he cared if I spent the night. He said it was fine.
So after we went to bed, 15 mins pass and he comes in there complaining that it was hot in his room. She offered a few solutions ( open the door, get another fan, sleep on the couch, ect). All to which he says no. Then tries to get in bed. She makes him go back to his room. We go through this cycle a few more times. He eventually gets his pillow and blanket and gets on the floor beside her side of the bed. Wakes us up a few more times in the middle of the night wanting to get in bed. She finally gives in. She has a queen size bed, so it’s not like we had a lot of room. After being awake for about an hour, I finally got up and got on the couch. I had to wake up at 4 am to go to work.
So my question is, should I be upset with her, him, or the both of them? Or am just overreacting and grumpy because I didn’t get much sleep last night?

My stepdaughter is in high school and we have an infant son. Today discussing holiday schedule with my husband, he wants to celebrate early to accommodate his daughter. I told him I’m fine with celebrating not on the actual holiday this year and next but not once our son is old enough to know what day Christmas is on.

Apparently, I’m an evil stepmother for wanting Christmas magic for our son instead of accommodating the schedule of a college age child who chooses to spend the actual holiday with her mother. He says we’re not Christian, so it shouldn’t matter.

Am I being unreasonable? How do we reach a compromise. If my husband had his way, we’d skip Christmas all together and go traveling.

Edit: I proposed a day of ice skating and brunch. We will do a small gift exchange at brunch, and hire a photographer to do our family Christmas photos. My husband agreed that it’s an excellent idea and will be our annual Christmas tradition with stepdaughter. She will be welcome to join us on Christmas Day when we do traditional Christmas with her brother, but Christmas magic is happening on the actual holiday.