This is incredibly hard to share, but we’re exhausted and don’t know what to do next. I have posted about my stepson before and the struggles we've had navigating all this, but he last few week have only gotten "worse".
My 14-year-old stepson has autism, ADHD, a suspected PDA profile, anxiety, and abandonment issues. He’s been living with us full-time since July, although he’s been with us most of the time since last December due to conflict at his mom’s house. Over the last three months, we’ve seen him make genuine efforts to work on himself and communicate better. We want nothing more than to help him feel safe, understood, and supported.
We try to use a semi-low-demand approach, give him autonomy wherever possible, explain our boundaries, and negotiate when reasonable. We don’t want to assume he’s being deliberately difficult because we know there may be a lot happening beneath the surface that we don’t see.
However, over the last couple of weeks, things have escalated to a point that genuinely scares us.
He recently hurt himself at school out of frustration over rumors. He also told the school counselor that he wanted to tackle the school resource officer, take their gun, and destroy it. He was removed from school and activities until completing an outpatient program. He has also made comments about wanting to hurt himself and others, leading to mental health evaluations and a safety planning meeting before returning to school. We have no weapons in our home, and we keep knives locked away.
While my husband and I were away on an anniversary trip, he stayed with his grandparents, who he has stayed with many times before and was genuinely excited to visit. We had discussed the trip with him two months in advance and felt comfortable with the arrangement based on our previous experiences. We had no reason to anticipate that things would escalate the way they did.
The day before we came back from our trip, was the same day he made the comment about the school resource officer, his grandparents told him he couldn’t see friends because they had errands to run. He escalated, punched his grandpa when his grandpa intervened to stop him from hitting a glass door, ran away, abandoned his belongings, and threatened to break things in their home.
He was hospitalized for three days after telling police he was having thoughts of hurting himself and reporting that he had tried to walk into traffic after running away. Before his admission, he told hospital staff he felt abandoned by his mom and neglected.
He was discharged because the hospital felt he no longer needed inpatient care. That same evening, he had another meltdown over attending the outpatient program required before returning to school. He has now started the program, but we’re constantly on edge about what might happen the next time he becomes overwhelmed.
He has a history of screaming, cursing, punching walls, breaking windows, running away, and making threats when dysregulated, including at his mom’s house. These behaviors aren’t entirely new, but the intensity and frequency of what has happened recently feel different.
When we hold a boundary, he may continue pushing, pleading, and escalating. We don’t want to increase demands or become more controlling if he’s already overwhelmed, but we also can’t safely accommodate every request. Being told no has always been difficult, but we’ve generally been able to navigate it. Now, seemingly small disappointments can turn into major crises.
I’m concerned about his abandonment issues and the comments he's made at school. His relationship with his mom has deteriorated significantly over the last several months, and she has pulled away almost completely. He has repeatedly told us he feels abandoned by her and expressed those same feelings to hospital staff. We know we can’t repair their relationship for them, but we’re trying to understand how much this may be affecting his ability to regulate himself.
He sees a therapist weekly, but we feel he needs significantly more support than he’s currently receiving. We want to exhaust appropriate options and find the right level of care before considering residential placement. His mom has been pushing for residential placement since March, and we worry that if it happens, he’ll feel like we sided with her and gave up on him. At the same time, we have to be realistic that if he needs more help than we can provide at home, and we can’t keep everyone safe, we have to consider that possibility. But we do not want to do residential care, it is a LAST resort.
The hardest part is that this is affecting our entire family, including his older sister.
My 15-year-old stepdaughter has been away from our home for almost two months because of her brother’s meltdowns and aggression. We want her to feel safe and comfortable coming back, but we also understand why she may not want to be around everything that has been happening.
My husband stays in contact with her and desperately wants to spend one-on-one time with her. He’s unsure how to approach that without making her feel pressured.
We’re also dealing with a very difficult relationship with the kids’ mom. We feel constantly blamed and degraded, and we worry that she’s intentionally creating distance between us and my stepdaughter. We don’t want to assume we know exactly how our daughter feels or put her in the middle, but we desperately want to maintain our relationship with her and help her feel secure in our home again.
Meanwhile, my stepson continues to struggle with feeling abandoned by his mom. She has been saying for months that she’ll spend time with him, but repeatedly cancels or tells him no. Watching him continue to hope for that relationship and then be disappointed is heartbreaking.
We may also be expecting an "ours" baby, which adds another layer of worry and stress.
We love both kids. We don’t want one child’s needs to overshadow the other’s, and we don’t want to give up on my stepson son. But we also need to protect my step daughter’s sense of safety and make sure she knows she still has a place with us, even when things are difficult.
I’m not looking for judgment or advice to simply be stricter, give in to everything, or send him away. We’re trying so hard to understand what he needs, what we might be missing, and how to help both children without destroying ourselves in the process.
This is incredibly vulnerable for me to share. I want both of them to feel safe, loved, and understood. I want my stepson to have a good life where he understands himself rather than constantly struggling against the world, and I want my stepdaughter to know she hasn’t lost her place in our family.
We know we can’t control what happens at their mom’s house or force either child to feel a certain way about us, that has never been our intentions. We can only keep trying to learn, support them, and make the best decisions we can with the information we have.
We aren't sure if my stepson is in burnout or if we are missing something obvious. He had done PHP and IOP at the beginning of the year with couple of family session. He is currently in an outpatient program. We aren't sure where to go from here..
Long Story Short: My 14-year-old stepson has autism, ADHD, a suspected PDA profile, anxiety, and abandonment issues. Despite our efforts to use a semi-low-demand approach and support him, his behavior has escalated significantly over the last few weeks. He has hurt himself, made threats about harming himself and others (including a comment about destorying a school resource officer’s gun), punched his grandpa during a meltdown, run away, and been hospitalized after expressing suicidal thoughts. His relationship with his mom has deteriorated, and he feels abandoned by her. We’re trying to figure out whether this could be PDA burnout, trauma, anxiety, or something else, because weekly therapy doesn’t feel like enough anymore. Residential placement has been pushed by his mom, but we desperately want to exhaust other options first. This is also affecting my 15-year-old stepdaughter, who hasn’t been coming to our home for almost two months because of his meltdowns and aggression. My husband is trying to maintain his relationship with her while managing everything with his son. We’re also potentially expecting an “ours” baby, adding more worries about how to support everyone. We love both kids and don’t want either to feel forgotten or given up on, but we’re exhausted and scared, and we know we need more help.