Years ago, but I think of it daily. Even after trauma therapy, I still feel it affects me daily and might have made me depressed and hypersexual

I went to a house party with a friend.

My friends bf came, so I hung out with her older brother since I didn't know anyone there. He did give me drinks that night.

At one point, I started to feel disoriented and weak.

He told me he would take me so I could sleep.

I trusted him. He took me to his apartment, undressed me, and had sex with me several times that night.

I passed out at on point but woke up to him still going at it.

He never got in trouble because I never told on him.

A couple of months ago I was raped and during it my body responded. I'm very confused and even angry at my own body. I'm trying to deal with the rape, which is difficult, but having orgasms makes it feel even worse. I haven't told my partner, or anyone, I'm still trying to process everything and hopefully in the future I will feel better about myself. I just wanted to get it off my chest.

i (19f) was raped last night.

i was smoking weed with this friend (19m) in his apartment, and i was really high, he drank and smoked but he wasn’t a lightweight like me. i remember i was laying on this huge bean bag that was in his living room, and i was trying to sleep while listening to music, while he played video games. i didn’t know him for too long, but i trusted him because he was really sweet to me, i was intoxicated in his apartment before and he never tried to do anything, and he had 7 little sisters, so i thought i could trust him.

also for context, i took plan b like a week ago cus i hooked up with this other guy friend, and on that day i had some odd bleeding in my underwear which wasn’t from my period because my period ended a week ago as well. it was old blood, but i don’t know why i was bleeding. i thought it was implantation bleeding. i told the guy friend i was currently with atm, so he knew i was bleeding.

he starts to cuddle me, i reciprocate the cuddling. he’s being really affectionate. im trying to sleep the entire time. he then gets really close to my face and starts to kiss my head, my cheeks, and my hands, saying how beautiful/pretty i am. he thinks im asleep the entire time. he thens starts to position me into where our lips our touching, and he starts kissing me on my lips. i never kissed him back. he then starts running my hands up and down my body. then he starts groping my ass and i completely shut down at this point and im motionless, all while acting asleep.

groping leads to him rubbing his hard dick on me, and he asked if it was okay, and i quietly went “mhm”, acting asleep. he never asked me if it was okay to have sex, and honestly i was too terrified and high to tell him to stop and fight back. i was like a dead body, like a ragdoll he had to position into doing whatever he wanted. i just gave up and accepted that i was gonna get raped again, and to try and comply with whatever he says (something i do when im being assaulted). he then starts to feel my down there, and starts to unbuckle my belt. he then takes off his pants and now he’s rubbing his bare dick on my ass. then he stops and starts taking off my shoes, then takes off my pants. i think i stopped acting asleep and i started to cry and hyperventilate sometime around here, which he asks if i was okay, and i tell him “do whatever i don’t care”, to which he continues. he took off my underwear at some point. i remember thinking i wanted to run away, but again, i was so high that i couldn’t.

he then starts trying to penetrate me through my vagina, which didn’t work because i was so closed, so then he tries to put it in my anus. i was able to muster up the power to tell him “please not my anus”, since i’ve basically been SAed through my anus before and i knew how much it hurt and i didn’t want to experience that level of pain and injury again. i knew being raped through my vagina would hurt less and do far less damage than if he did it to my anus. and he listens, and starts trying to put it in my vagina again. he positions me onto my back (im sprawled out like a dead body) and goes in between my legs, and he just basically forced it in, no preparation or anything. i don’t think he used a condom. it hurt a lot but i didn’t scream. the only “lube” he “used” was the blood from my previous bleeding. i was silent the entire time. i remember i was looking away from him for most of it. he lasted a while. he was kind of rough, i don’t remember too much. i looked at him right before he finished and he just said “oh you feel so good” with a smile on his face and i was just looking at him blankly. he pulled out and im pretty sure he came right between my legs.

once he finished, i sat up and i was very quiet. he noticed and put his hand on my back, which i immediately slapped his arm away. he asked me if i was okay and i screamed at him to shut the fuck up. i said “i don’t think that was consensual” and he said it was because “i told him it was okay”. i immediately put my clothes and shoes back on, grab my purse, he gave me my phone back, and i booked it out of his apartment. i was hysterical. i was sobbing and shaking and hyperventilating. even his neighbors gave me weird looks.

i got into my car, driving while impaired and very emotional, and im calling an online friend, telling her what happened and im thinking about getting a rape kit done. tl;dr, i tell another friend who lives in the same city as me, me, her, and another mutual friend, i meet up with her at her house, and we go to a hospital to try and get a rape kit done. that hospital didn’t work out since they didn’t have a sexual assault nurse and the wait was so long (it was like 10pm already). my friends refer me to another hospital, i go to that hospital while they go home. they admitted me, did some bloodwork, and then the police got involved. police interviews me and decided to open up a case. turns out hospital i was at didn’t do rape kits (sane exams) and i had to go to another clinic. it’s 2 am at this point. i follow the officer down to the clinc, i get the sane exam done, do some other tests, and take a plan b. i remember seeing how bloody my underwear was and i started to panic and shake, the nurse had to cover it up. they took my underwear as evidence. he might’ve given me a uti.

it’s been more than 24 hours since the rape happened. im experiencing a lot of pelvic pain and cramps. it’s not like period cramps, it’s sharper and persistent. my lower back hurts too. it doesn’t hurt to pee though. i’m still bleeding, the blood is red and brown. i’ve never felt this type of pain before. is this normal? please let me know

i was with this volunteer from the shelter that he usually takes me to. after that we went drinking (he’s 60) and so after it we went to the car and i started biting him on the arm (idk why but i was fuzzy asf) and after that I think he was a bit drunk too and he kissed me and then he asked me to suck his dick did.. it made me a bit uncomfortable but I couldn’t think properly and now it hits me all at once..idk what to think and idk if its rape or not..

Content warning: Sexual assault, blackout intoxication, consent, and relationship trauma.

I’m posting because I genuinely need an outside perspective from people who don't know either of us. This is difficult to write, and I am not asking anyone to automatically take my side or tell me that my ex is a bad person. I want honest perspectives because I am struggling to understand what happened, what responsibility I should take for my own actions, and how to reconcile the things he has told me.

I want to be clear from the beginning that I do not remember most of the sexual encounters described in this post. Much of what I am explaining comes from what my ex, who I will call Mark, told me during the following week. I am not presenting his descriptions as memories of my own. I am trying to make sense of an experience I cannot independently remember, using the information I have been given.

### Our relationship and the context

Mark (made up name) and I were together for around eight or nine months. We loved each other, lived together for a period, and talked about having a future together. I genuinely believed we were building a life together.

Our relationship was not perfect, and I do not want to portray myself as a perfect partner. I struggled with jealousy and trust. And it’s not an excuse, but I had just lost connection to my entire family and faced homelessness so my focus shifted more to in the moment rather than emotion needs for both him and I. There were times when I did not understand what Mark was going through emotionally, and I sometimes approached our relationship as if I were trying to check things off a “trust/safety” list instead of really understanding his feelings in the moment.

Mark struggled with depression. At the time, I did not fully understand how much he was struggling or why he sometimes withdrew from me. After my miscarriage, he left for around two weeks and then went to a conference with limited contact. I felt abandoned and hurt, and I did not understand what was happening. Looking back, I can sympathize with his struggles and regret the ways I made him feel that he could not come to me. I wish I had understood more at the time. I assumed he left me to deal with that alone when the reality was he just needed space to process things because his father’s dad just lost his job around that same time.

There were also situations involving socializing and trust that I did not understand until later. I sometimes reacted to what I knew at the time without understanding the context he eventually explained. I recognize that my anxiety and jealousy affected our relationship, and I regret the ways I hurt him.

I am including this because I still care about him as a person. I do not want everything about our relationship reduced to one incident, and I do not want to pretend the good parts never existed. I can acknowledge the ways I hurt him while also trying to understand what happened to me.

Just we were struggling in our relationship.

Regarding, Mark and I had an established boundary that we would not have sex when either of us was blackout drunk since we both drank and he told me he liked us both being present in sex. I had the desire a few time to get tipsy and have sex in our relationship and communicated this to him because I would randomly have pain attacks during sex to the extent I would pass out or start sobbing (he’d always stop and comfort me. I never knew why and felt ashamed and thought if I could drink on a time where it was consensual for us both I’d climax and that would stop my body from resisting. We had a lot of conversations about this in the past. And I felt guilty not being able to cum or let my body participate in sex. I mainly enjoyed the physical closeness, but my body resisted everything else). I understood this as a boundary we both agreed to respect.

### What happened before the encounter

Earlier that same week, I had been sexually assaulted by someone at a club. I was struggling emotionally when I later went to a party with Mark.

At the party, a girl tried to kiss me more than once and tried to persuade me to go to her room. I was not coping well with what had happened earlier that week. I began drinking heavily. I recognize that drinking to cope was not a healthy decision, and I am not trying to excuse that choice. I was overwhelmed and did not know how to deal with what I was feeling.

I eventually became blackout drunk.

I do not remember most of what happened afterward. I am relying on Mark’s descriptions of the night rather than claiming to have firsthand memories that I do not have. Because I only regained 10 seconds-ish of memory a few days later, nothing since. I’ve no memory.

### The first sexual encounter

He initially told me that he was sober, but was confused and dismissed my intoxication. He told me that he knew that I was too drunk and communicated this to me, but that I was really eager for sex so he dismissed it. He described me as being so intoxicated that I was not coordinated and that he had to help position my body and use his hand to guide his penis inside me.

He layer told me that he wasn’t completely as sober as he initially told me, but was still sober enough to recognize how intoxicated I was, describing me as essentially blitzed, and that he sobered up completely during the first encounter. The amount of time he gave me for how long we had sex varied, although one version was that the first encounter lasted approximately seven minutes before I needed to go to the bathroom. The rest vary from he has no idea to very short.

At the same time, he told me that I had been asking for sex and that I wasn’t me, but I wouldn’t understand because I looked and sounded like me and that was confusing.

When I woke up the next day he wanted to continue what we were doing the night before. He said the night before had been hot and that we should continue where we had left off. And that I was doing hot things with my tongue. I told him I didn’t remember and covered my face as I apologized because I felt ashamed because I knew he liked people being present. But he told me it was okay and that it takes two to tango. And that he knew i didn’t remember, but that he kept me safe.

I did not remember what had happened. I just felt immediately guilty and embarrassed and uncomfortable because I could not remember having sex. I repeatedly apologized and asked whether he had kept me safe. He reassured me that he had.

He described helping position my body because I was not coordinated and using his hand to guide his penis into me. I relied on his reassurance because I did not remember the encounter myself.

At the time, I did not fully understand the significance of what he was telling me. I was trying to make sense of a night I could not remember, and I trusted him to tell me honestly what had happened.

### The first bathroom trip

According to Mark, approximately seven minutes into the first sexual encounter, I needed to go to the bathroom.

He told me that he carried me there and sat with me while I was on the toilet. He said I remained there for approximately twenty minutes.

While we were in the bathroom, he said I reached toward his penis. He initially described pushing my hand away. Later, he changed his description and said that he smacked my hand away.

He also told me that, at one point, he moved from sitting to standing in front of me and that I leaned my forehead forward and brought my lips near his penis but did not actually do anything.

I do not remember these events myself. I am including them because they are part of the account he gave me. I do not know why his description of pushing my hand away later changed to smacking it away, and I do not want to invent an explanation for that difference.

After the first bathroom trip, he carried me back to bed and laid me down.

### The second sexual encounter and the second bathroom trip

According to Mark, after he carried me back to bed, I continued asking for sex for hours. He said I would not settle down and continued asking even though he was saying no.

Eventually, according to his account, I went to the bathroom a second time.

He told me that I could not sit upright properly and that nothing I said made sense. He carried me back to bed again.

According to him, I was still asking for sex despite being unable to move or coordinate myself properly. He then engaged in a second sexual encounter with me.

I want to be clear about the sequence because I think it matters: according to Mark, the first sexual encounter happened before the first bathroom trip. He then carried me to the bathroom, sat with me while I was on the toilet, and carried me back to bed. After I continued asking for sex, I went to the bathroom a second time. He said I was unable to sit upright properly and was not making sense. He carried me back to bed, where the second sexual encounter occurred.

He told me that during this second encounter, he penetrated me with his finger. He said he stopped because he felt guilty. He also told me that I became frightened and confused him with the person who had sexually assaulted me earlier that week. According to his account, I said something indicating that I thought he was that person or that my boyfriend would not like what was happening. He said this frightened him and that he stopped.

However, he also told me that after he stopped, I continued dry-humping or rubbing against his leg despite him saying no, and that he eventually fell asleep while doing so.

I cannot independently confirm these details because I do not remember most of the night. I am not claiming that I remember doing these things. I am explaining what Mark told me happened.

I am struggling with how to understand the overall sequence. His account describes me as needing to be carried to and from the bathroom twice, being unable to sit upright properly, being unable to coordinate my body, saying things that did not make sense, and becoming frightened and confused about who I was with.

At the same time, his account includes me repeatedly asking for sex and initiating physical contact.

I understand that asking repeatedly after someone says no can make that person uncomfortable, and that someone has every right to refuse sex or any other sexual contact. Mark did not owe me sex. I am not saying that he should have continued doing anything he did not want to do.

But I struggle to understand how my requests or physical actions could establish that I was capable of consenting when his own description suggests that I was profoundly intoxicated and unable to understand or coordinate myself properly.

### What he told me about whether he knew how drunk I was

This is one of the most difficult parts for me.

Initially, Mark told me that he knew I was too drunk when we had sex and that he communicated this to me the first time. Later, he changed his account and said that he had not known I was too drunk at the time, and that he was still influenced (he had 1/2 margarita + food after and I had 3 margaritas + 1 strawberry) and that he had said he knew because he wanted to make the situation sound better. He connected this explanation to not wanting me to be upset about drunk driving.

I have also been told different things about his own sobriety and whether I was speaking and behaving normally. My understanding initially was that he was sober. He later gave explanations that made me question what I had been told.

But he acknowledges for the second time (and this is the only one I have the 10 seconds of memory for) that he was sober completely and doesn’t know why. But also has elaborated twice he did it because he was annoyed I wasn’t sleeping and kept talking.

I do not know how intoxicated he was at every point, or what he was thinking in the moment. I am not trying to assume that he was completely unaffected by alcohol. But, I took him at his word the week it happened when he told me and my sister he was sober. And then even if I shifted it to what he said later in the week that he was still affected by the drink, but acknowledged he was aware of my state, but was confused. Apart of my own personal belief in this current moment (it’s still varying as I process) is that he was aware of my state and condition, but dismissed it because he wanted sex and could see that I wanted it. He shouldn’t have dismissed it, but I don’t think it was malicious. He just wanted sex as well. But he was in the position of authority and power and should have protected me and I don’t know if he could see that I was too drunk why he didn’t stop. I think he really maybe did see me as me, but I needed him to also be aware and stop when he recognized I needed help.

And I feel more ashamed he didn’t stop and after seeing me blacked out for hours and was sober for hours penetrated me a second time because I wasn’t listening to him and going to sleep. He told me he thought it was the quickest way to get me to sleep. Snd that I was fingering myself so he just did it for me instead.

He has also acknowledged at different points that he was aware of my condition and that I needed assistance. He described helping me position my body during the first encounter because I was not coordinated. He described carrying me to the bathroom, sitting with me while I was on the toilet, and carrying me back to bed. He later described me being unable to sit upright properly and saying things that did not make sense.

I struggle to reconcile those descriptions with the explanation that he did not know how intoxicated I was.

One version of the timeline has the first sexual encounter lasting approximately seven minutes before I needed to go to the bathroom. I have also been given changing explanations about whether I was speaking normally and whether he was still affected by alcohol.

I do not remember how I was behaving at the beginning of the encounter, so I cannot say whether I was speaking normally or how quickly my condition changed. I know that alcohol's effects can worsen over time and that it is not possible to reconstruct someone's level of intoxication from a rough timeline alone.

But I keep asking myself: if I was speaking and functioning normally at first, how did I become unable to walk or sit upright and unable to make sense within such a short period? Is that timeline plausible, or are the accounts too inconsistent for me to draw a conclusion?

I also keep asking why, if I was as impaired as he later described, the sexual activity continued rather than stopping.

These are questions I have, not proof that I know what happened or that I can read his mind.

### Details I forgot to add
When we had consentual sex the following morning my vagina hurt and it would not open which lead me to panic and ask him to stop.

He asked if he could ejaculate on my stomach. I consented.

I remember it being a small amount to where I asked if he had cummed in me the night before and he said no.

I proceeded to almost throw up and every day after throw up (it’s been three months and I still throw up).

((There’s a lot of other detail I left out. Like he sent me a message saying he knew he hurt me and that he broke my trust after I flew home)).

### Did I pressure him or violate his boundaries?

This is the part I feel most conflicted about.

Mark has told me in the following months since, and his friends have been saying the same thing, that if our roles were reversed, what I did would have been assault. He has also characterized repeatedly asking for sex as coercion and rape.

I take that seriously. I do not believe that someone has to ignore unwanted sexual advances because the other person is intoxicated, and I do not believe that being in a relationship means someone is obligated to have sex.

If I repeatedly asked for sex after Mark said no, I understand why that could have made him uncomfortable. If I reached toward him after he refused, I understand that he had every right to move my hand away. If I continued physical contact after he said no, that is something I want to understand and take seriously.

I have told him that I take responsibility for the actions he described to me. I have offered to attend therapy with him because I wanted there to be space to discuss how the experience affected both of us. I have tried to make room for his feelings rather than telling him that mine are the only ones that matter.

But I do not remember most of these actions. I am relying on his account, and I cannot independently assess what happened or the circumstances in which the actions occurred.

I am struggling with the possibility that he felt uncomfortable or pressured while also trying to understand whether I was capable of consenting to the sexual activity that occurred.

I do not want to use my intoxication as a way to dismiss his boundaries. But I also do not want to treat his account of my repeated requests as proof that I was capable of giving consent.

I am trying to understand how both people's boundaries and experiences can be considered without automatically assuming that we had the same capacity to understand what was happening or the same responsibility for the sexual activity.

### Why did he remain undressed, and why did the encounter continue?

I keep thinking about the fact that, according to his account, he remained undressed for hours and there were two sexual encounters, with the bathroom trips in between.

I understand that being undressed does not mean someone has consented to anything. Someone can change their mind at any point, and no one owes another person sexual contact because they were already undressed or because sex had happened before.

I also understand that someone can feel uncomfortable, freeze, become confused, or not know what to do in a difficult situation. I do not think staying in a situation automatically means consent.

I am not asking these questions because I think his clothing or his decision to remain in the room proves anything by itself. I am asking because I cannot understand the overall sequence of events he described, especially alongside his statements that I was unable to walk properly, could not sit upright, and was not making sense.

I keep wondering why the first encounter continued, why there was a second sexual encounter after the bathroom trips, and what he understood about my condition at each point.

I do not know what he was thinking. I want to be careful not to fill in that uncertainty with assumptions. But these questions continue to sit with me.

### What happened about a week later

About a week after the encounter, Mark told me that if I reported him for rape, he would report me for assault.

I understand that he is entitled to describe his own experience and make a report if he believes a crime occurred. I am not claiming that he is forbidden from doing so.

However, being told that he would report me if I reported him has made me afraid of the consequences of speaking about what happened. I am already trying to understand an encounter I do not remember, relying on his descriptions, and dealing with changing explanations. The possibility of being accused of a crime in response to reporting my experience adds another layer of fear and confusion.

I am not saying this threat proves what happened during the encounter. I am including it because it affects how safe I feel discussing the situation and seeking help.

### Why I am struggling so much with all of this

I did not wake up remembering what happened and immediately understand it as something harmful. I woke up confused and embarrassed because I could not remember having sex. I repeatedly asked Mark whether he had kept me safe, and he reassured me that he had.

I trusted those reassurances. I loved him and believed we had a future together. That made it difficult to question his explanations or understand what his descriptions implied about my condition and his awareness.

When I learned more about the encounter and his changing explanations, I had to reconsider an experience I could not remember for myself. I have struggled with the difference between what I remember, what he says happened, and what his descriptions suggest about how intoxicated I was.

I have also struggled because I still care about him. I do not want him to suffer, and I am not sharing this because I want revenge. I recognize that he struggled with depression and that I hurt him in our relationship. I regret the ways I handled my jealousy and trust issues, the times I did not understand his feelings, and the ways I could have been a better partner.

I do not want those things erased or excused.

But I also do not want my mistakes in the relationship to become a reason to dismiss what happened during the sexual encounters. I can acknowledge that I may have made him uncomfortable without automatically concluding that I was equally responsible for everything that occurred. I can understand his struggles without assuming that they explain or excuse his actions.

I am scared that questioning his account makes me someone who is dismissing his experience. I am also scared that, in trying so hard to acknowledge his feelings and take responsibility for what he says I did, I will dismiss my own circumstances and ignore questions that genuinely need answers.

I want to be able to say both of these things: his boundaries mattered, and my ability to consent mattered too.

I do not want to assume that he could not have been harmed. I also do not want to assume that I was capable of consenting simply because I may have asked for sex or initiated physical contact while blackout drunk.

I have tried to take responsibility for the actions he described, and I offered to attend therapy with him. But I do not think accountability requires me to pretend I remember things I do not remember or to stop asking questions about the parts of his account I cannot reconcile.

### What I am asking Reddit

I know you are hearing only my side, and much of my account is based on what Mark told me rather than what I personally remember. I am not asking Reddit to determine a legal case, diagnose him, or tell me that I am innocent of every possible wrongdoing.

I would genuinely appreciate thoughtful perspectives on the following:

1. ⁠How should I understand a situation in which someone says they felt pressured by repeated requests for sex, while also describing the other person as blackout drunk, unable to coordinate their body, unable to sit upright properly, and not making sense?

(Also, this isn’t me dismissing this but we’ve been drunk together in the past but we always view each others advances as this person is too drunk not assault and then also don’t engage with the person)

1. Does someone initiating sexual contact or repeatedly asking for sex while blackout drunk establish that they were capable of consenting? How should responsibility be understood when the person's condition is described as severely impaired?

2. How should I interpret the fact that Mark initially told me he knew I was too drunk, then changed his account and said he had not known and had said that to make the situation sound better?

3. Is it reasonable for me to question the timeline and his awareness without automatically assuming he is lying or dismissing his experience?

4. How can I acknowledge that he may have felt uncomfortable or pressured without automatically accepting that we were equally responsible for everything that happened?

5. How do I take responsibility for actions I have been told I took when I have no memory of them and cannot independently verify the details?

6. How should I understand the threat he made about reporting me for assault if I reported him for rape, especially when I am already afraid of misunderstanding an encounter I cannot remember?

7. How do I move forward when I still care about someone, recognize the good parts of our relationship, and also feel deeply hurt and confused by what he told me happened?

I am not looking for people to tell me that I was a perfect partner or that Mark never struggled. I know I made mistakes, and I know he had his own struggles. I want to be able to acknowledge those things honestly without losing sight of the specific questions about consent and responsibility.

I loved him. I still care about him as a person. I wish things had been different. But I need to be able to look honestly at what happened, even if doing so changes how I understand our relationship.

Please be honest with me, but please remember that I am trying to process something I do not fully remember firsthand. I am looking for perspective, not punishment.

I also have PTSD and a lot of our shared friends keep saying I’ll view this differently when I heal. And a lot of them keep saying Mark wouldn’t do this. Or that, I should just let it go. And Mark has told me I can feel the way I feel, but that feeling violated doesn’t mean I was and that he is the one who has memory of that night. He’s told me we will never see things the same way. And has told me he feels like I’m trying to “out hurt/sad him” when we have talked. He’s also tried to convice me and my friends that what he did was okay. He keeps telling me I failed to protect him and that I let him down when I should’ve kept him safe and that he needed me that night.

Back in May of this year I was raped. He was drinking that night. I was forced to report it, my family made me. It's not fair that I am sad and miserable everyday because I was forced to report what he did to me. I am the one that has to live with that. Nobody understands what I still care for and about him. Sometimes I wonder does he think about me? Probably not. But I think about him everyday all the time. Why am I the one that feels bad for saying anything? Not to mention, since the report was made I haven't heard anything back besides he said he didn't do it and to come pick up your clothes. That was week and a half or even less that they said that. It makes feel like I shouldn't have said anything in the first place. And I shouldn't have. I should have kept my mouth shut and deal with it on my own. Nobody knows what it's like to care for someone even when if they don't care for you and you just don't want to say anything. Everyday I want to kill myself. Over and over again. For me with him, the good outweighs the bad. I keep thinking if God loves his people so much how could he let this happen?

I just want to die. It's been five months and thats nothing compared to other of years worth of pain. It's not fair that he's living his life and I am miserable and sad missing him. It is not fair. It's not fair that I cry everyday because of what happened. I should have just gave in and said yes to him. I shouldn't have told him no or to stop. I should have just let him and shut up about the whole thing. It is my fault that all this happened. If I did say anything he would probably still be in my life right now. The one good thing I had going for myself and I ruined it. I ruined everything. I hate it here. I don't deserve to be here for what I did. Maybe I deserved what he did to me? It's sad for me to say about myself but maybe so. I guess thats what I get for telling him no. The one time I told him no. I shoal have said yes. It's my fault. It's not fair. Why? Why me? Nobody understands the pain that I feel everyday. It's not even the rape that was the worst part seems like. It's the after math of how life is and what happens after its over. It is ally my fault that this happened. I ruined my own life my telling someone I thought wouldn't tell to now... now just now life is terrible. I ruined everything. I should have just shut up and kept to myself.

Nothing about this was good. That was like the fifth session with him and apparently something just changed. Yesterday I finally had the courage to tell him what happened and instead of support, he flipped out and yeah. So I'm at my parents and they kept asking why I'm there it's just all ugh. All a mess.

I did consent at first but then he started saying about breeding and cumming in me which I had already said no too multiple times so then I said to stop and kinda tried to push him off not vry well but like I was pinned down and I didn't rlly fight it. He told me that I'd force him to come in me if I kept taking him like this so I like tried to move away and I told him again and again not to come in me and well he did -*- like I told him to stop but like we were already fucking? And I didn't rlly fight him and I could've been louder or forcefully but I wasn't. Idk if this was rape or like I was just asking for it by sleeping w him in the first place. Also we agreed to use a condom. He did not. But I didn't say anything TBF I actually didn't know he was actually going to fuck me I thought we were just giving eachother head but then he used his finger and then just pushed himself in . Genuinely don't know how to feel about this. Was this rape or like am I being dramatic?

the story is below if anyone is wondering what happened i explained it in the end
Can I get pregnant after being raped while I was on my period?
I’m really worried and need some advice because I’m scared I could be pregnant.
A guy raped me, and during the encounter, he ejaculated on my chest and face. He didn’t wipe the semen off and then put it inside my vagina and penetrated me for a few minutes. He continued doing sexual things to me even though I told him to stop and that it hurt.
I was on my period at the time, and I’m still bleeding. I’m worried because I don’t know how likely pregnancy is in this situation.
I took Plan B after an earlier encounter, but I’m not sure whether it protects me from this encounter.
My questions are:
* Can I get pregnant if he put semen inside my vagina while I was on my period?
* Does being on my period lower the risk of pregnancy?
* Does Plan B taken after an earlier encounter protect me from this one?
* When should I take a pregnancy test?
I’m really scared and overwhelmed by everything that happened. Please be kind. I’m looking for genuine advice and support, not judgment.
If you want to understand what happened and why I’m calling it rape, I’ve written my full story at the end of this post. You can read it if you want, but please don’t feel obligated to.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
⸻
My story (TW: sexual assault, choking, physical violence)
I met this guy online, and we started talking before meeting in person. When we first met, he made a comment about how cute it would be if he murdered me. At the time, I didn’t know what to make of it.
During our sexual encounters, things happened that I wasn’t comfortable with. I asked him to slow down because it hurt, and I told him to stop multiple times, but he continued. He held my wrists tightly and wouldn’t let go until I managed to push him off. He also tried to use zip ties even though I said no several times.
He choked me with his hands until I was struggling to breathe. He hit me repeatedly and hard enough that my head hurt from that night into the following afternoon. He used degrading language toward me and continued sexual activity despite my pain and bleeding.
I’m still trying to process everything that happened. Part of me feels confused about the experience and how I reacted to it, and I’m struggling with the fact that I might become pregnant afterward.
I’m posting because I need advice about pregnancy risk, Plan B, and when to test. I’m also trying to understand what happened to me and hear from people who can respond with kindness and understanding.
Please be respectful in the comments. I’m already having a difficult time dealing with this.
is this rape? and sexual assult??
i bled during the sex and he nutted and then put it in me after and said i didn’t think because i was so horny can i still get pregnant after couple minutes of sex? okay so im genuinely so confused about everything that happened and i need ppl to be honest with me because idk how to process any of this.
im a virgin and i literally wasnt planning on having sex for my first time yet. like i wasnt ready for all of this, but when i was with him i was scared that if i said no or didnt do what he wanted, he would get upset with me, hate me, or not like me anymore. i was scared of how he would react and i feel like that made it harder for me to say no.
i do have kinks and he knew a little bit about them, but that doesnt mean i agreed to everything he wanted to do to me.
things got really rough and he tried to use zip ties on me and i kept telling him NO over and over, like 3-4 times. when i asked him what he was doing, i genuinely thought he was taking the condom off and was gonna rape me. i was actually scared because i didnt know wtf he was about to do.
he was holding my wrists so tightly that i had to push his hands off me. he kept telling me to fight him off and resist him, which was weird asf because i was already scared. he was also choking me with his hands to the point where i couldnt breathe properly, and he kept hitting me really hard over and over again.
when i was trying to get him to stop, he said “i dont care.” LIKE??? that shit has genuinely been stuck in my head because why would you say that when someone is scared and telling you no??
he also said something about me waiting for this to be used, and idk how to feel about that either.
i had a headache afterwards too.
the thing is, i wasnt even planning on losing my virginity like this. i was scared that if i refused to do things, he would get mad, hate me, or not want me anymore. i feel like i was scared of disappointing him or making him upset, and i dont even know how to explain it.
im so confused because this was my first time and i never thought id be sitting here trying to figure out whether what happened was okay or not. i keep thinking about everything and wondering why he acted like that when i was clearly scared.

Tonight I (M21) went clubbing, after a certain point I stopped remembering everything entirely after I had a certain drink, so I suspect I was spiked, but by who I don’t know. That was around midnight, about 5:30am I wake up in a girls room I barely know anything about, and after leaving soon after I was told she had given me oral sex, and almost penetration. I went out with this group of people thinking I would have a fun time, and I don’t believe that this person acted on this maliciously but regardless I don’t remember consenting or being in any state to do so.

When I got back, and after I was told what happened. I immediately went to my ex (whom I was trying to work things out with at the time) and spoke to the, telling them what had happened to me, but she didn’t believe anything I was saying, even after she made me tell my own brother whilst on call with her. I don’t know what to do now.

Long story short I was out of town for work where I met a trans woman. She took me to her apartment it was not a good place/neighbor hood. We started kissing and I was giving her a bj. She asked me if she could top me. It was my first time with a trans woman and I was scared I told her I have never done this before and I don’t think I will be able to bear the pain but we could try. And after that she started shoving her dick in me and I was screaming in pain. I asked her to stop but she didn’t. She kept pushing in and fucked me so rough and asked me to keep quite. She fucked me till she was satisfied and left me after that.
I felt really bad but I couldn’t even tell anyone. I shared this online and people are saying I was rapped.

7 years ago now I was raped by my boss. I didn’t wanna tell my mom because my mom was also horribly abusive. And I knew how she’d react. I hate myself so much for putting up with it just because my mom is a piece of shit. I feel like no one wants to listen to my cry about it anymore.
My boss was twice my age. Everyone at work loved him and even everyone in my town knew him and loved him. He had just gotten out of prison and started working again. I had a girlfriend at the time and I didn’t even have a single thought about a man.
It started when one day he just came up and kissed me. I was waiting to clock in. I didn’t even look at him or anything. He told me he had seen me staring at him and knew I wanted him. I barely even spoke to him.
From there it progressed. He’d touch me at work. Make comments. It just kept getting worse.
One day he followed me or found me at a park nearby our work. He basically dragged me to the restrooms and did what he wanted. I felt so disgusting.
He told me if I told anyone I’d lose my job. I didn’t wanna be with my mom anymore than I had to be. So I didn’t say anything.
This went on for months at this point. I never told even my girlfriend, but I broke up with her because everything felt wrong.
Next month I find out the same thing was happening to my girlfriend. I have never been more pissed. I told her mom and told her not to mention me. Her mom went to the cops.
The cops interviewed me because she mentioned my name and I told them everything. Showed messages. Everything. They got the camera footage from my work. They arrested him.
My mom was the first to find out about me being involved with the cops since they went to her first cause I was a minor.
She went and told my whole family and all her friends I was a whore and all these other names. I never wanted that. I had a girlfriend I loved very much and I never even thought about a man once due to past sexual assaults.
Now this man is out and free and I’ve been terrified to leave the house alone. If I have to be alone, I call someone the entire time and make it really quick. I’m so scared of seeing him again because I’ve already seen him once.
How can I get over what he did when I could see him anytime I go in public?
I hate myself so much for putting up with it and not saying anything in fear of my mother. I wish I had a better mother.

I was raped by a friend at a house party. I was slightly drunk and he led me to an empty room where we talked a bit before he started touching me. I started to get a little nervous then he grabbed my hand and made me touch him. He saw I didn’t like it and said if I told anyone he would tell them I was trying to blackmail him. I was frozen in shock and let him use me but kept telling him to stop. Unfortunately it was the best orgasm ive had and now i’ve developed a kink for rape from it. No one knows so far and because of my kink i’ve began to believe all i’m good for is sex.

In my life I had already several relationships that were really bad and violent. And two of them extremely bad and sadistic and abusive. Sometimes I ask myself why does it happen to me? Did I do something in my previous life to deserve that? And after I finally escaped out of such relationship, do i meet another guy who is even worse. Is that bad luck or are some of those guys seeing some of us as easier victims and can analyze us perfectly and put weaknesses. It’s just so frustrating and my mind and body feels so broken after such relationship. I feel even dumb for not being able to just leave them or break up and forgive too much or even follow their orders. Some of the previous boyfriends manipulated me heavily, made me start with kinks I would have never tried, forced me to pleasure them sexually at places that I would never suggest first, forcing me to sexual acts with a friends of them or hookups or sexual acts that are terrible and make me feel cheap. They made violent jokes or even threaten to do the same when we watched horror movies and saw some victims terrible endings. I was constantly emotionally and sexually abused and my body was more like a punching bag for some and I still weren’t able to escape alone. Luckily some friends helped me and I do therapy now again but it’s very challenging and I guess a long road. I‘m sometimes easily scared of men, my exes snapped easily for even the smallest mistakes and even humiliated me in front of others or he flirted with others and kept joking around and I just accepted it. I feel stupid and was totally under their control and I’m worried that it will happen in the future again.

So for context me (18F) and my boyfriend (20M) have been dating for 2 years and took edibles last week and I took 2 while he took 1/2. It was going great honestly and we were just watching tv and then I just got so tired and it really felt like I couldn’t move. It felt like I was asleep but I was still awake, if that makes sense. Anyways, I remember him touching me and even going inside of me with his fingers. I don’t know how much because I was going in and out of falling asleep. Then later I woke up and I think I said something about him going inside of me while he was taking my pants off cause apparently I said I wanted them off. He also took his pants off and started grinding on me and I was talking about how we don’t have any condoms. He had sex with me anyways and I remember he tried to do anal, which I hate, and I don’t remember it ending. I don’t know if I consented or if it would really count if I did and I’m just so confused. I’ve asked him a little bit about this because he mentioned him touching me the next morning and he says all he remembers is him touching my butt. I don’t know if I believe him because I normally say no to sex and it could’ve been like an opportunity for him. Did he sexually assault me or is if different because he was also kinda high? Except it’s weird because I was definitely more high, help. It also doesn’t help because the next time we were high I’m pretty sure he got me to do oral sex on him and I don’t really remember it. He says it was an accident but it happened twice and I just don’t know what to believe. I don’t want to leave him because my family and friends love him and I’m just so embarassed thinking about what I’d say to them if/when we broke up. I don’t want to be alone.

Over ten years ago, I suffered sexual abuse as a child. I kept it to myself until last year. This year, after many arguments and mental health problems, I finally tearfully told my mother what happened. It's liberating, you know? She let me cry in her lap. I felt like that child again, but I wasn't alone anymore. I'm not alone anymore. Difficult days will come, but I believe I can count on her support. Reading your stories, my therapist's, and the recent cases of reported abuse gave me this strength. Thank you. I'm relieved.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I am in my mid-twenties, and I have a daughter who is a toddler. I left her father due to abuse after years of being together. I have tried to allow him to maintain a relationship with her because he treats her very well, and he raped me while we were visiting him. I am pregnant. ​My guess is only about 4-5 weeks.

I've had one abortion before. I knew I didn't ever want to have another one. I'm not in the best circumstances to have another child right now (financially) at all. But I already am a mom, and I love being a mom, and when I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to keep the baby. It's not the baby's fault.

But what can I do? Do I have to tell him the baby is his? Can I get in trouble for lying? I thought about telling people I did IVF, but people probably wouldn't believe me due to my financial circumstances now. I don't feel like I owe people an explanation exactly, but I know people naturally will ask. I just am trying to picture what I can say because I don't want to tell everyone I was raped, and I don't want them to know it's his baby either. Thank you!

ETA: We are now no contact. I told him that because of his behavior, I have to protect myself and our daughter. I told him I would call the police if he tries to contact me.

I was raped in my childhood then when I was a teenager I didn't want a relationship but I liked to give my friends sexual favors. Then in my early twenties I was raped again. Now I am very sexually active in my 30s but I have no emotional attachment. Sometimes I feel like masterbation is a coping skill. But it feels socially awkward most people I know have very deep feelings about sex and marriage and don't Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with being raped or it's just a personal preference. I think I'm just overthinking

I was raped last year to the point where I had a perineal tear and a severe UTI. I was bedridden for 2 weeks and the tear was infected. My doctor said it was almost like a childbirth injury but not as severe as a woman who had just given birth.

Idk. That experience made me feel afraid of sex and giving birth. I don't wanna feel that pain anymore.

i am continually neglected by the people i call friends and it just makes me miss my abuser more. im haunted by dreams and memories and its so insanely fucking miserable. ive considered suicide a few times. i dont think ill ever have a normal relationship. does anyone ever even move on from these things? being assaulted wasnt even the worst part it feels like i lost the only person who ever loved me which probably sounds stupid. but thats how i really feel

TW: SA

I’m posting this anonymously because it’s an incredibly personal part of my life, but I think I need to hear from people who might understand some of what I’ve been through.
I’m hoping for insight and support, particularly from people who have experienced sexual assault, religious trauma, or both. I’m not looking for anyone to convince me to return to the church. I’ve made peace with the fact that I will never go back. I’m still trying to make sense of what happened to me and what I believe now.

When I was in college, I was an active member of the LDS Church and served as my ward’s Relief Society president. My faith was a significant part of my identity and how I understood the world.
I started dating a guy I’ll call Z. I was attracted to him because he was good-looking, seemed intelligent, came from what I considered a good family, was in good standing in the church, and appeared to respect his mother. Looking back, those were the things I had been taught to associate with a good, trustworthy man.
After we’d been dating for several months, I arranged a double date with my cousin and his roommate, who is still one of my closest friends today.
The date started normally, but Z quickly began making a performance out of how physically affectionate we were. He repeatedly pulled me into his lap despite my obvious discomfort and vocal objections. Later, while we were watching a movie in his dorm, and he kept doing this behavior. I pushed him away and quietly told him to stop, but he acted like he couldn’t hear me.
When I tried to leave, he chased me, sat on top of me, and tickled me despite my objections while trying to make the whole thing look playful and normal in front of everyone. At one point, I was on my back near the front door with him on top of me, pinning my arms down by my torso while he tickled and touched me. I finally managed to get away, told my cousin it was time to leave, and went home feeling uncomfortable, confused, and deeply unhappy.
I walked her to her dorm, apologizing profusely for his behavior and how awkward she must have felt before walking home to sit in the discomfort. He had never behaved this way before.
After getting back to my dorm safely, I texted him that his behavior was inexcusable and that we were over. He begged me to reconsider. We lived directly across from each other in our dorm, so I kept my blinds closed, told my roommates that he wasn’t welcome in our apartment and ignored his calls and texts.
About a week later, I went to deliver brownies for his roommate’s birthday (another one of my friends). I thought Z would be in class. Unfortunately, he answered the door. His roommate wasn’t home yet, and Z asked me to wait on the couch.
I mistakenly assumed I’d be waiting alone.
He sat down next to me and began trying to convince me to get back together with him. I repeatedly said no. Then he started kissing me. I tried pushing him away, but he wouldn’t stop.
He forced his hand under my shirt to grope me. When I pushed his hand away and told him no, he pinned both of my hands with one of his and continued touching me. I begged him to stop and kicked my legs, trying to get free.
He sat on top of me, grabbed one of my hands, and forced it down his pants. He began unbuttoning my jeans and touching me. I twisted out from underneath him and fell to the floor, then scrambled toward the door.
He pounced on me again, sat on my torso, and wrapped his hands around my neck, choking me.
“You are mine, Heavenly Father said you were mine.” he said.
I fought to get away. I managed to twist onto my stomach and crawl, but he pulled me back by my legs. Eventually, I kicked him away and ran out the door, across the sidewalk, and into my own apartment.
I locked the door, ran upstairs, locked my bedroom door, and then locked myself inside my private bathroom.
I sat in the bathtub in the dark and cried as the reality of what had happened hit me in waves.
I didn’t go to classes for a week. I barely managed to leave my room to go to work. I was in so much emotional and mental torment that I found myself fantasizing about driving off the road to make it all stop or get some semblance of control.

I tried to get help through the university and met with multiple therapists. Unfortunately, the ones I saw seemed to want me to start dating again quickly rather than helping me process what had happened.
Eventually, I convinced Z to meet with my bishop. I thought someone in a position of spiritual authority might help us address what had happened.
Instead, my bishop told me it was my fault.
I wasn’t allowed to take the sacrament for three months. Z, meanwhile, was still allowed to bless and pass it.
I don’t know how to adequately explain what that did to me. I had been sexually assaulted by someone I had trusted. I had repeatedly said no, fought to get away, and feared for my safety. Then I went to a religious leader for help and was treated as though I was the one who had done something wrong.
I was the Relief Society president. I was trying to live according to the standards I’d been taught. And somehow, I was the one who was punished.
This was the beginning of my physical departure from the church.

My experience with Z was a major turning point, but it wasn’t the only reason I left. I was also struggling with doctrinal contradictions, hypocrisy, and the gap between what the church taught and what I experienced (mental gymnastics anyone??).
The response to my assault fundamentally changed how I viewed the institution, its leadership, and the moral authority I had once attributed to it.
I no longer believe the LDS Church is somewhere I could ever return to. But leaving hasn’t meant that all the questions have gone away.
I struggle to know whether I believe in any god at all. I don’t know how to separate the idea of God from the religious framework through which I was taught to understand God. I don’t know what I believe about spirituality, morality, or faith anymore, and I’m not sure I need to have those answers right now.
What I do know is that the experience left me with a lot to untangle.

It’s been eight years. I’ve seen four therapists, and I’m currently working through this with a therapist I genuinely trust (she is phenomenal, 13/10 therapist.)
I’m grateful to have found someone I feel safe with not only in therapy but also as a life partner, but I’m still struggling to get past the assault itself. It continues to affect me, even after all this time.
Sometimes I feel frustrated that something that happened so long ago can still hold so much weight in my life. Sometimes I struggle with the religious trauma. Sometimes I wonder how much of my understanding of myself and the world was shaped by what happened and by the people who responded to it.
I know, intellectually, that I said no. I know I tried to leave. I know I fought to get away. I know I didn’t consent.
But knowing those things intellectually and processing what happened emotionally aren’t the same thing.
I think one of the hardest parts is that I was violated by someone I trusted, and then the person I turned to for spiritual guidance blamed me instead of helping me. I lost a relationship, a sense of safety, and eventually a religious identity that had shaped much of my life. This has been exacerbated with the reality of who is president of the United States and trending news stories such as the Cornell University story and how that has been affecting Jane Doe.
I’m not looking for a silver lining. I’m not looking to be told that everything happens for a reason. And I’m not looking for advice about how to get back into the church.

I’m hoping to hear from people who have been through something similar.
- If you’ve experienced sexual assault, especially by a partner, how have you worked through the emotional aftermath? Has anything helped when you feel like you understand what happened intellectually but still struggle with it emotionally?
- If you experienced religious trauma after sexual assault, how did you process the additional betrayal of being blamed or failed by people you trusted?
- For former LDS members or people who have left high-control religious environments, how have you navigated the loss of faith? How do you build a sense of morality, meaning, or spirituality when the framework you grew up with no longer feels trustworthy?
- If you’ve struggled with trauma for many years, how have you learned to be patient with yourself without feeling like you’re letting the experience define your life?

I know everyone’s experience is different, and I’m not expecting anyone to have a perfect answer. I think I just want to hear from people who understand some part of this, who can share what helped them, or who can reassure me that I’m not somehow failing because I’m still working through it eight years later.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. It is quite lengthy, so thank you. Please be gentle with me. This is difficult to talk about, even anonymously.

i found out through the grapevine this happened. i feel responsible. i never reported him.

got no one to talk about this too. what happened to me is my biggest secret.

Context: i was raped for years as a kid/teenager and he was the same age as me, knowing what was happening.

I haven't seen him for years thankfully, but i also don't know what he looks like as an adult.

I don't know if it's because i don't know that i keep dreaming about him being there or if my subconcious is trying to tell me something else.

Except for flashbacks, i usually don't dream of him. But these last weeks i have been dreaming consistently about him but not with the same role. At first he was there and i felt threatened but no one else knew and no one else feared him.

Then i came to the conclusion i might need closure and tell him that what he did to me was rape, because i haven't told him and i don't think he knows what impact he had on me.

But now that i came to that conclusion, my dreams changed and he's become dangerous and chasing me again.

Obviously i need to talk to a professional about this, but in the end i need to make a decision about telling him or not.

I live hours away from him and am still afraid.

Right now i know he won't come, doesn't think about me because he's not conscious of the damage he has done and is probably living his best life.

I don't really wanna tell his mother because she will tell him and i really don't want to break her because she's sweet but my mom who is her friend has distanced herself from her because of me and i think she knows something has happened and i kind of want to give her a reason for the distance but she will tell him🤦🏻

If i tell him (don't know how but i'll find a way without going there) i'm afraid he might come and beat me because that's the kind of person he was. But then again he wasn't an adult and judging by what i've heard he seems stable? Maybe if i tell him he will apologize or just not believe me but leave me alone and think i'm crazy and i would know that he knows.

I am lost omg

it's still on my mind, so i have something else to say about it. i don't care what scenario you created in your head, but you know what you did and you know it was wrong. i don't know what about me pushing you and telling you that i wanted to stop and that it hurt screamed consent to you, but i didn't. i didn't want you to touch me, or to kiss me, or to force yourself inside of me. and no one cares about the argument that we had in may.

i feel like you think you have this god complex, and you don't. all we ever did was have sex. outside of that, that made my life hell. you verbally assaulted me on multiple occasions, but i'm sure that you'll say you don't remember that either.

what you did to me and how you treated me made me question myself. it made isolate myself and quit the things that i love doing most for months. i am still trying to get back to myself. it made me not trust anyone and made me look over my shoulder every time i went somewhere because i felt like you would be there.

i was put on antidepressants and anxiety meds because of it. i stopped leaving the house and gave up on dating completely. i ruined something good with someone that i cared about because i didn't know how to set my trauma aside.

i waited months before i started to be intimate with someone again because every time i thought about kissing someone or letting someone have that access to me again, all i could think about was your hands on my body, and how scared i was when i realized what you were doing and that you didn't plan on stopping.

just because i didn't scream and kick doesn't mean that i wanted that. no means no. you're a 25 year old man, i shouldn't have to explain that to you. and i did tell you no. multiple times, but apparently you're stuck in an illusion that you created for yourself.

i told you no to kissing. i told you no when you started to pull my pants down. i told you no because you didn't have a condom. i told you to stop trying to force yourself into me because it hurt. i told you that i wanted to stop during as well. i told you that i was uncomfortable and upset afterwards.

and the only reason i kept in contact with you is because after that night, i didn't remember what happened to me. i'm not an idiot, i wouldn't continue to talk to someone who raped me willingly. after that, i always felt uneasy around you.

especially when you got mad at me for not wanting to have sex with you while i was on my period. especially after you coerced & guilt tripped me into doing it. especially when you would yell at me and call me dumb and tell me how no one else was going to care about me the way that you did or when you'd tell me how i deserved for you to talk down on me.

the truth is i did not deserve any of that. and you are not a good man at all. i shouldn't have to explain to you what you did to me because you know what you did to me. we both do.

and i don't need you to validate that because at the end of the day, i don't want your pity or validation. god seen what you did to me.
all the wrong that you've ever done in your life, you'll have to take it up with him on judgement day.