I’m 5’1.5 and about 91 lbs. According to the DSM this is only under mild for anorexia. I lost 30lbs in like 6 months

My first time taking shrooms was about a week ago and I took 2.7 G I had one of the best experiences of my life. I took it with three of my other friends, and we were laughing uncontrollably at everything had crazy euphoria and overall had a really really good trip. This was such a good trip that I felt depressed after because of how much fun I had.

I wanted to have this feeling again so I bought 3.5 g of shrooms I took my first dose at around 10 PM which was 2 g weighted around an hour didn’t feel anything so I took .7 g at 11pm for my second dose I had mild visuals but nowhere near as close as fun as last time and didn’t feel that euphoric feeling so I decided to say fuck it and take the last .8 at around 12 PM after around 30 minutes, I felt my body feel slow. my thinking was fine, but my body felt slow

I started to think about my life and how nothing felt fun anymore I tried to jerk off to feel some sense of dopamine or feeling of happiness, but midway through. I stopped because I couldn’t finish and nothing felt good. I then had the thought in my head that no one loved me I bundled myself up in blankets because I wanted to imitate the feeling of getting a hug or feel love. I started crying but silently because I didn’t want my mom to hear. My body felt so lazy like I had no strength. I shut off all the sound in my room every fan every single bit of sound to try and meditate.

Keep in mind I’ve been on Lexapro for years and now all of a sudden I felt like I haven’t had any emotion for the past years, I started thinking about how I’m gonna die someday so why not just now why not just end all the pain suffering I was manually breathing at this point. It felt like I would just stop breathing and then all of a sudden just gasp of air because I forgot to breathe. I began swiping on Tinder hoping to find someone online just to tell them to “kill me” or “what is wrong with me” I began texting my friends, not calling them not sending a huge paragraph of what’s going on, Just simply texting them yo I knew I couldn’t end myself with a knife because my brain would stop me from the pain. We didn’t have any guns in the house otherwise, I would probably be dead right now I got up to go grab baclofen and when I got up, I could barely walk. Everything felt so slow and lazy.

I remember thinking about that one fight club scene where Brad Pitt is telling that narrator in the car to “stop trying to control everything and let go” I was tired, but I didn’t wanna go to sleep because I didn’t wanna wake up another day to live. I then grabbed the baclofen and took 8 to 10 tablets, not even knowing if this is a lethal dose just hoping it would end my life in a slow painless way I then got back in my bed and proceeded to look at the ceiling, waiting for life to end
I felt like I could almost hear voices telling me what to do but I wasn’t there yet so I began listening to schizophrenic simulations on YouTube to try and open a realm into these voices nothing happened and eventually I passed out and later woke up another day to live

Maybe it sounds fucked up but it’s all Ive ever wanted since I was maybe 12. I can’t tell how awful about myself I feel whenever someone opens up about their trauma. I’m supportive and I listen of course and I don’t tell them that but as soon as we finish talking I cry of jealousy and it often lasts like an hour and leaves me numb for the rest of the day.

I literally don’t care about the type. Medical, relationship, family, whatever. Anything big. I don’t care if it feels bad, I WANT it to feel bad. Whenever I feel bad it’s fake.

The best most validating 3 days of my life were probably when I had appendicitis surgery. I was so euphoric when they admitted me because I was SO sure it was nothing. The hospital days were awful, I hadn’t eaten for 6 days, was off my meds, cried constantly, was nauseous and on top of everything got my period. Best 3 days of my life.

I thought I was getting better but my literal 16-17 year old cousin had a really fucked up verbally abusive manipulative relationship recently and she’s on antidepressants and makes herself throw up and I listened through all of that and supported her and now I’m just crying while typing this

I don't know what to do, how to do, kuch krne ka mnn he nhi karta mera sab kuch shi hain lekin mental disorder and mental health se struggle krrha hu bahot. Mai ek engineer hu aur pichle 5-6 years se bahut struggle krrha hu life me due to mental health and now became disorder. Can anyone help me and have the same things?

I wish there was a way to describe this. I’m slowly losing it, and losing touch with everything. I used to complain about nothing felt real till I realized no one cared so now I just keep it to myself. I function like a normal human being. Numb inside. my body is here, but I’m not I feel like I’m slowly losing it and I’m deteriorating on my own. I know how to act. I know how to move. I know when to smile, I know went to cry. I have started self har’ming again. It doesn’t even bring me anything anymore. There used to be this… thrill…??? but now my body burns and I ache, but my mind is in shambles, when I try to think about it or reason it out, my head starts throbbing and my eyes burn but not in a crying way and I feel like I’m gonna puke. I have chronic pain so living every day is a hassle in general I can’t get help. I can’t talk to my family. I don’t want to be medicated. I can’t save myself with no one could save me either. I’m drowning.

Hello again everybody, it's Trixie back with Yet Another Question :)

So I know in theory it's a good thing to talk to other people, but right now I'm struggling with the idea of actually reaching out to an individual (when struggling with that, I tend to put stuff in a group chat so it's not all on One Person to answer; probably why I'm relying so much on Reddit right now). How do I avoid being annoying towards my friends and family by yapping too much at them? I'm always a talker and I know most people find me annoying, but especially when I'm doing less well or needing to communicate things, I know people get frustrated either by my difficulty communicating or how I may not tend to listen as much because of how strongly something Feels Right/Wrong. My friends and family are great, it's literally that I'm the problem haha out of eight kids I am The Yapper and I know it can get veeeery old even to people who know and love me.... so yeah, advice aprecaited :)

[throwaway account for privacy]

I am normally not suicidal at all, but over the last few years I've tried to get off a bunch of meds (like more than 10) that I never should have been given in the first place. I get very triggered by detox and illness.

Last year I started with the most difficult; Suboxone (very long, traumatic story). I was so wrecked afterwards that I continued my Adderall and Xanax scripts, but I didn't take them everyday, maybe 3-4 times a week, and I thought I wouldn't get dependent.

Spoiler Alert; I still did. Right now I'm trying to taper off both. My problem is I don't have much Xanax left (2.5), and my husband said we can't afford another detox hospital, thinks I don't need one, and refuses to get the last refill.

We have fought about meds a lot, because I used to be a bad alcoholic and I have him hold onto my meds. I am deeply ashamed of the way I have treated him, but he isn't 100% innocent of abusive behavior himself.

Just to be clear; neither of us are in danger. I am terrified though because I am completely out of options. I have no one else in my life that I can talk to about this, and my husband gets too triggered by it to listen.

My thoughts have been very dark today, and I'm still tapering not even fully detoxing yet. I have very strong spiritual beliefs about taking a life, even your own, and I don't have plans or anything.

However, all I can think about is that everyone would be better off if I died. I'm scared that benzo withdrawal will kill me, but even more scared that it won't. That it's just going to be more suffering that drags on and on until I have a psychotic break (happened after Suboxone detox).

I don't know, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live right now. Nobody seems to cares when I'm suffering beyond my ability to tolerate because it's been happening for a while and I've fucked up a lot.

My husband just gets mad when I have a panic attack or something. He's just done with all this. He still loves me, he's just burnt out.

I'm scared, alone, and I have no resources. But maybe I deserve this, idk

So back in hawaii... i went threw a bad thing I guess... I wasn't in the right mind...but intent wasn't bad... I was just so broken about not being able to have my life together at the time... but threw my hardship it was an island manipulation tactic.... reactive abuse.... I lost jobs.... because of it... I mean its good I left. But.... I feel like I could've turned my life around back then... didn't have a girl or a car alot of my life then was adding up to mental health depression, suicidal thoughts, Anxiety threw the roof overthinking.... hated myself... and i could only self medicate... and i got Strong PTSD...

I had people watch threw my camera and I was so frustrated...I couldn't find peace anywhere i wanted to e d my life so many times because it felt like It was unfair after doing everything in life right....even treating people good! It was hard.... idk why they wanted to hurt me so bad... when all I wanted to love... and an enjoyable life...

Now... its a religious thing where I think they have these underground cult people who are using religion or maybe my phone is still hacked and purposely blocked my success I've made just to take away my self will, even when I try to show and help people with stuff...because I know im good with some business stuff and all of a sudden our devices act weird, for a while now I've taken abuse.... again and again... I want my information and devices blocked or someone from the dark web to help me...stop... because I dont know how who to trust... and i feel emotionally and mentally on edge and I hate it.... i need help...

F20 from Argentina. Throughout my life many painful things have happened to me; in 2024 I had three psychiatric hospitalizations, I was locked up in that hospital for a whole year and that's when I was diagnosed with BPD. I'm still in psychiatric treatment, but I had to stop going to psychological therapy at the beginning of the year due to problems with my health insurance.

Lately I feel so tired, dissociated and empty, I feel lost, I don't know who I am, I'm constantly seeking acceptance, trying to please people, I even sexualize myself and changing my personality depending on who I'm with. I think about my life and I get depressed, I lose my appetite, I sleep a lot and I have no physical or mental strength, I get so sad that my body feels heavy, I feel physical pain. Sometimes I feel happy again, but as the hours or days go by, I start to feel bad again. I'm not only suffering from sadness, but also from anger; I usually keep my emotions to myself, I don't express them, and every time I get angry I lock myself in my room or the bathroom and start hitting myself. I don't cut myself, I hit and pinch my legs.

A few days ago I was about to grab an object my mom uses to pluck her eyebrows to try and cut myself, but it wasn't sharp.

I don't want to tire my family; I feel that if I go crazy again, they'll stop loving me. I'm afraid to talk to my psychiatrist. My mom said that if I keep eating so little, she's going to talk with my psychiatrist.

I counted the milligrams of lamotrigine and clozapine that I take weekly (also sertraline but it's very few milligrams), I calculated 600mg of clozapine and more than 1000mg of lamotrigine, I thought about ingesting them but I simply want to turn off my emotions, stop suffering. My mind is a rollercoaster of emotions and intrusive thoughts. I even feel like I'm a histrionic trying to sexually provoke everyone, depending emotionally on how much people liked me....I'm aware that there's a risk I could be admitted to the psychiatric clinic again; even my mom is noticing that "I'm acting differently" and smoking (cigarettes) too much. It goes without saying that I have hypersexuality and most of the time I fall into compulsive masturbation and porn consumption.

My mind is giving me terrible ideas: drowning, bleeding out, overdosing on pills, etc.

I really feel the hospitalization very close to me.

ever since i was little i have done things that were not good and horrible things have happened to me when my mom gave birth to me she took an injection so she would not breastfeed me and she did not care about me and would leave me with my grandmother or my dad or anyone other than her my dad always used to take me to kindergarten i hated kindergarten every time i brought food with me they would make fun of me once i found a box of watercolor paints and when i brought it with me i felt sad because the students told the teacher and she took it from me so everyone could share it there was a fat teacher i hated her and her daughter too they treated me horribly my grandmother used to take me in the evening and we would go to my aunts house she would talk while i did my homework i never depended on anyone and i was scared once i accidentally swallowed a lollipop and did not tell anyone and kept swallowing my saliva so i would not choke at parties my mom would not let me wear dresses like everyone else and i would be the only one who was different or weird i used to cry all the time and nobody would talk to me or they would ignore me why does she now buy my little sister prettier dresses when she has parties when she never cared about me or did anything like that for me this is what i remember from kindergarten my mom rarely took me there
in elementary school everything was horrible from the first day nobody wanted to sit next to me and i did not know anyone my first grade teacher was horrible i tried to study on my own and be the top student but she always hit me once i memorized a passage that was two pages long but in the end she hit me and told me it was not what she had told me to memorize because i was scared i started repeating the entire passage quickly once there was a party and i was very excited but the teacher had not told the principal about it and out of everyone the principal sent me and a boy back home so we could put on our formal clothes and return to school nobody believed us that there was a party not even my mom or the principal when we returned to school and entered the classroom the teacher screamed at us and when i told her the principal had told us to go home the principal denied it and the teacher punished us by saying we would study alone in the classroom while everyone else enjoyed the party
in second grade i remember a teacher who had a heart condition and wore a large bandage around her neck and glasses there were two situations involving her first there was a boy who said a vulgar word and i did not know what it meant so i repeated it at home and my uncle heard me and told my mom and she hit me the second situation was when i was talking to a girl in class and the teacher saw us instead of punishing only her she punished me too and told me she would make me repeat the year and sent me back to first grade i kept crying and then went to apologize to her and she forgave me
anyway during first and second grade i started becoming obsessed with stealing i do not know why i stole there was literally no reason i would hide the money in my old school bag and when i thought she was going to search my bag i hid the money with my dads money and felt happy that my dad had more money
in third grade we had many teachers and i do not remember them very well but eventually the worst teacher came to us she was old and had a cane short red hair and glasses i used to sit with a boy i liked because he was my friend along with another boy and a girl i had been trying to get close to but she did not want to be close to me until i found out that my uncle was friends with her father and we got to know each other that teacher would not let me go to the bathroom and would hit us and many times i went home with wet clothes she taught me arabic and french in third and fourth grade but she was actually the best teacher of all of them and was very kind
in third fourth fifth and sixth grade i had private lessons and there was a girl i hated who still bullies me to this day and makes other girls bully me because of my dads job i did not want to hurt my dad or mom so i did not tell them sometimes i would steal and she would steal things from me especially food from my uncles refrigerator once i came home from private lessons and my mom hit my hand until it bled i still have a mark on my hand i was not sad because she hit me i was sad because she hit me just because of what they told her and nobody had seen me taking the juice from the refrigerator she hit me without making sure
in sixth grade there was a terrifying teacher i was always scared of her and many times she left marks on my body and made me bleed once i bled in class because she hit my butt with a hose and there were many other times like that but there was something strange when she hugged me i felt warmth i was little and i had never felt that feeling before and i still remember it
throughout elementary school i stole and did things like buying food with stolen money or taking anything i saw other people had or stealing money from people in class during the same period we used to travel to visit my grandfather and grandmother may she rest in peace i loved her so much she is one of the six people i love and adore but anyway i experienced things i did not understand at the time like my female cousin making me her sexual toy and her brother sexually assaulting me and even at home when i was not traveling my male cousin also sexually assaulted me and his sister did the same thing my female cousin had done to me
in middle school i felt like i had lost my passion on the first day of school because i did not know anyone i suddenly felt like i could not hear anything or breathe and my heart was racing as if i was about to faint until i saw the girl i had been trying to get close to since childhood and felt relieved
in my first year of middle school i met a girl who lied to me about everything even though i gave her money and all the love i had we stopped being friends in the second year of middle school and i made new friends
during my first year of middle school my mom screamed at me and forced me and nobody knew that i had gotten my period i was literally suffering and in my second year of middle school a girl convinced me to wear the hijab and my mom was happy that i did it and now i regret it i hate it i used to fight with my mom a lot
in my first year of middle school i downloaded instagram on my dads phone and talked to people normally then suddenly they found out and got angry with me and because my obsession with stealing had not gone away it became many times worse my grandmother accused me and one day my mom almost killed me and i started crying and wishing i would die because it was literally torture but afterward she hugged me and said something i have forgotten and i also used to take my grandmothers phone and download instagram and nobody knows about that even now
i used to have sexual relationships with girls and boys and literally anyone and send my pictures even when i was not sexually enjoying it or anything i still remember that i imagine anyone sexually even my mom a close friend anyone even my little sister who is a child i am crazy and i have lucid dreams and lucid nightmares and hallucinations before sleep or auditory hallucinations or things like that but not many because i do not remember and there is so much more i am only telling a little
my first year of high school was the best year i met friends i love now i tried things i hate like smoking in my second year of high school but so many problems happened to me because in september 2025 i felt as if something inside me had gone out and i started doing things that caused even more problems with my mom i hate her why does she care now and interfere i tried to cut my hand and took a lot of medicine hoping i would not wake up
do you know the feeling of knowing that all the people you consider your friends are using you and knowing it but not caring because for years i have had this thought ever since elementary school when i would sit in class and think that if i did not make friends now i would never have even one friend who would be afraid of losing me or choose me over everyone else and whom i would meet naturally i was right because every time i became friends with someone they already had someone they loved more than me
i want to die but at the time i choose and go inside my mind and stay there for as long as i want i want to disappear
i do not want to go to god i do not want to be buried i do not want anyone to find my body i do not even want god to take my soul i want my soul to die too and no longer exist just like before i was born when i did not exist in the first place
i want to feel relief and not keep thinking about the torment of the grave heaven or hell every day i wonder why people say be patient because god loves those he tests and things like that it makes me so angry why would you let your servant suffer while letting someone else live the best life god is not fair i am going to lose my mind because of everything
i do not want to go to anyone again and tell them something is bothering me only for them to say they do not know what to say
i do not want to see my friend she goes crazy when someone else tells her they are going to kill themselves but when i say the same thing i get no response and nothing is said i do not want to feel hungry all day and i do not want my dad and mom to talk to me i want them to suddenly disappear
i want to know who i am without waking up feeling nauseous and i want to sleep for many hours straight without nightmares
could this be hell maybe i did not try hard enough i am tired of thinking about the same thing i want to throw up my thoughts
sorry if i bothered you because i do not want to write my thoughts to an artificial intelligence i want to write them to a human i do not know but i feel like there is a difference between them
i wish i could enter the videos i used to record when i felt lonely and talked to myself or hugged myself
i want to die i cannot even ask for life to get better or for anything to change because why
my god i could not make you have mercy on me while i was in the middle of the cold earth begging you not because i wanted you to change my life i was begging you to tell me what my sin was and what i had done to deserve all this and i would have accepted it if you had told me
i heard everyone say that you can perform miracles and i swear i did not choose to be born why was i wronged for the first time in my life i am saying this but i do not forgive you god
honestly i do not understand how humans think sometimes i feel like an alien i do not know when someone sends something to another person how they feel or what they are suffering from whether they trust that person or simply could not find the person they really wanted to tell everything to i wish i understood these human concepts
sometimes i hate myself because i wish someone i love would die so i could grieve for them and be able to talk to them completely honestly at their grave

i haven’t been to school or work in over a week now because i’m so depressed that i can’t move. i barely eat, i haven’t spoken to anyone in days.

this is very atypical from my usual personality which is bubbly, social, and funny.

i’ve dealt with suicidal ideation for almost my entire life, but this is the worst it’s ever been.

all i can think about is killing myself and i’ve locked myself in my room attempting multiple times per day for over a week and nothing is working.

i feel so stuck, and im too scared to ask for outside help. i feel like since ive already missed so much school, work, and meetings, there’s no coming back from what ive done and i have no choice but to end it all.

im scared to talk to a professional about it because i dont want to be wrongfully admitted to a mental hospital or something—especially because i dont have any large physical signs of trying to off myself.

i feel like a fraud and i dont know what to do besides keep myself in my room forever.

I'm 23, Female, living abroad, Al Ain Abu Dhabi.

I don't know where to seek help, hiring a psychiatrist is expensive here. I don't know where to run to.