was about to wank one out to her moans but the guy couldn’t last more than a minute

Bullshit rice noodle soup with sodiumaxxed broth. I’m gonna die alone and salty, literally and figuratively.

Why tf does everyone in my dms wanna fucking feminize me (╥﹏╥)

People will be in my dms talking bout how cute I'd be as a girl and then fucking tell me to pay for the estrogen myself like (╥﹏╥)

that's not forcefem that's... Suggestionfem

Burger, fries, chocolate milk

I dont like my body,my love life or how my brain works

im not the most handsome guy, the smartest or the most successful and ill never be

I dont know how to change or how to be happy.

Todays lunch:Oven baked chicken and potatoes

I saw an escort last week and I couldn't get it up. A life without romance or mutual love has now turned into a life without even paid companionship or sex. I can't take it anymore

ban all posers idc

pork tenderloin medallions with potatoes, bearnaise and garlic bread. And a monster

Brownie edges and milk

Deserved tbh since this is normgroid infested dystopia anyway. I too would avoid my damn self. Pastamaxxed as usual, fuck that pasta hating fk.

Chicken and rice with soy sauce. Was okay but cold.

(17m) Shit is hitting the fan real quick y’all. 2 months ago my therapist let me talk about things other than food, I was a good 15 pounds heavier then. A month ago I wasn’t even diagnosed with an eating disorder. It’s been bad for a while but this past year it’s been worse, I’ve gone from my highest weight to my lowest. My therapist says if I keep losing she’ll recommend me to a “higher level of care”, that’s shrink speak for putting me in a program.

Going to a program right now would entirely derail my life. I’m not going to a goddamn hospital. I have to go to college, I have to finish my applications, I have to save money for college and get a job, I have to keep my GPA up for said college. I have a lot on my plate right now and I can’t give it up.

I don’t want to recover but I honestly think I’d feel okay about maintaining, that’s what my therapist wants me to do anyways. The problem is that I’m so used to eating 900-1300 calories a day and in order to maintain my weight I’d have to increase it to at least 1850. That feels like a lot to me right now. I feel alright about my weight I guess but eating that much terrifies me. I know I need to stop puttering around and actually eat more but it’s scary. I am trying to eat more now, it’s been an uphill battle though.

Having to choose between my future and the path to self destruction that’s brought me both pain and comfort shouldn’t be this hard. It should be easy to tell myself to give this up and go to college but it’s not. I wish I could have both. I wish I could keep doing this to myself with no consequences but I can’t, that’s just not possible. I keep telling myself it’s not that bad yet but the people around me disagree. I know I need to suck it up and at least stop losing but I feel like my mind won’t let me. It will, it has to.

Everything I’ve done was with him in mind. I gave up my hobbies and dreams because he didn’t approve. He said they were for “losers and “gay men” (you can imagine the word he used), and now the people I know who stayed in those hobbies are happier and more successful. He had a dinner recently for my sister and brother in law and didnt invite me or even speak about me. He said multiple times that all he has now is my sister and her husband. I did everything to help him when he was struggling. I took out loans, got a second job, I got him an interview at my company for the easiest job they have and for good pay and he didn’t show up, I even stopped when I almost finished my degree because he didn’t like the community college I went to, and I transferred ro a university and owed them $20,000. And now he’s mad at me because I can’t help him with money anymore and chose to focus on myself. Why did I waste my life trying to appease this fucking loser? Why did I care when he didn’t approve of the women I had interest in? Why should I have given him any thought? He married the first single mom who gave him attention after he didn’t take no for an answer. I was so happy Saturday morning too, I realized I went down 4 pounds in 2 weeks. But my sister texting me about this dinner just made my stomach turn.

I have spent a good portion of the last few years trying to not lose myself. Getting violent thoughts and impulses, tics that won't go away, a rigorous academic program that is fucking me, and parents that refuse to mature.

I always tried to fit in by doing the most ridiculous things. Harming myself and falling so people would laugh and maybe invite me to their gatherings, listening to their conversations to learn more about what they like, trying my best not to look autistic.

But I need to be better than the people I hate first, so I can prove to them that I am truly better. Hate motivates me so much that if I didn't have someone that I disliked, it would be very difficult to try and keep going. I told a classmate that "Hate is what keeps me going and I keep comparing myself to X, so I dont make the same mistakes they did", he responded by saying "Comparing yourself to garbage is not a good comparison dude". That stuck with me for a little.

People only believe you're suffering once you die.

So there's this girl who's an ex co worker who is very pretty and kind. When I started at work avoided as much ( doesn't want to be seen as a creep ) but we started talking eventually. I forced myself to not fell in love with her bc I am just a fat 130kg looking like a stalker, reseverd to myself due to insecurities and bullying. So I just payed attention to the work I was doing, it was impossible to not look at her while she worked, she is that beautiful. She got used to tease me, calling me cute names and even once took a selfie with me after I started to sleep . I just thought she was pitying me for being the autistic young new and trying to blend in a team. And she left in the end of September, we traded instas ( bc i do photography as a hobby). And she's also doing a blog on another app to show her her trip to Asia. And we are talking, still calling le those surname ( i love it when she calls me by this name ) and its foing great however its nice she gave me compliments and im completely in love with her. But deep down ik it isn't reciprocal. I want to never be able to love so i won't be looking at her pics and smile like a retarded prick.