do people really know the real you*

something that makes me wonder myself. because i read people when they least expect it. subconsciously the mind is running a program. figuring people out. and then subconsciously the mind picks out parts of my personality that i think would suit them. because it creates less friction. if i actually act like myself theres a chance i would be rejected. and i think my true self is a very sensitive precious ornament that im very careful to show it to, because it could break in the wrong hands. and so when people get to know me, i act how i think they would want me to act.

slowly over time i subconsciously take bits and pieces of my true self and shine them through the mask. as a test. subconsciously and consciously i can detect if they disapprove or not. my mind is running this analysis while talking to them. i can tell if they are stepping away or not. but if they are then i accept they dont want the true me. perhaps because i deceived them. but i was only trying to be kind and polite to them without causing any problems and unbalance.

i can be such a chameleon that i have to check it with myself all the time. constantly analyzing conversations from the past to determine if this was too chameleon like. in the past i was such a chameleon that i got completely enveloped into their personality that it was too late to go back to my true self. so i had to abandon the entire connection out of shame.

Ive always tried to tell myself that I am not a chameleon, that I am not modifying myself to blend in, that I simply choose the pathways that have the lesser friction, why would I present as something conflictive when I already know this new group of people hates this?

A part deep within me yearns for the day someone will frankly approach me with the intent of knowing whom I am beyond the iron chest plate, what kind of face I make once the wooden mask is burnt, and what kind of shackles I hide with my baggy clothes.

These desires to find someone who will finally show their interest in the me, thats hidden deep within, shapes me into toxic behaviors and expectations for genuinely caring individuals who have crossed my path.

Every time someone makes me believe that it is worth it to hope for the race to end in the next corner, I am once more reminded that what I envision within me that I need, versus, what its truthfully attainable for most people, doesnt really computes well.

Thus, every day I once more put on these degraded batteries inside of me, I browse my drawers for which face I should program my head to showcase to the world, I add fuel to my processing unit and I convince myself that I am not a robot, sparks and jarring sounds muffle what I see in the mirror, yet this little robot must continue once more their daily journey, hoping for one day to become an actual human.

I’ve been wondering this for a while now. for some context:

I only believe in the “golden pairs” in mbti to a certain extent, as I’m sure there are certain types more likely to mesh together at first than others, but I primarily believe compatibility depends on the people themselves, not their types at the end of the day.

which brings me to my question. in my experience, individuals with higher Fe can sometimes get on my nerves. I don’t know how else to word it! lol. I find that high Fe can be annoying. not that it’s bad, just that personally I can find it harder to work with. for example at my workplace there’s a lovely ENFJ that I quickly got to know, and we very soon exchanged numbers and now we’re very good friends, we talk everyday and hang out some. but at my workplace as well, there’s an INTP, and though they are much older than me, not joking, the age gap is around 40 years, we seemed to click so much quicker once we talked, and as in communication-wise, I feel way less awkward around them. maybe it’s not as fair, say because I’m comparing the “golden“ infj/enfj pair to just another “golden“ pair, infj/intp, I wanted to give a real life example to what my question is about: I guess I personally find high Fe harder to communicate with, whereas higher Ti seems to “make more sense” to me.

in my experience, Fe is harder to understand and read in others, whereas, like in my example, I feel as though I can read my INTP coworker’s mind constantly, unlike my ENFJ coworker.

i was wondering if other INFJs feel the same way that I do, or if it’s just my own personal preference thing when it comes to the functions. the example I gave is only one of many encounters with Fe dom types. and I feel the same way about them all, essentially. is this just me?

Hello, I'm INTJ (24M) and I've been dating this INFJ (27F).

We have completely filterless communication, we aren't afraid of discussing difficult not personal topics.

We've gone on about 15 dates, some of them were spending an entire day together, including simple peaceful ones like cooking together and just taking walks and talking.

Due to unrelated personal distress and difficulties I've been open about, I flew to Japan alone for a month and a half to disconnect, ground myself and resteady my inner peace I've achieved, while keeping daily communication with her.

We've both found the intensity of our relationship a bit jarring, too good to be true at times, the Ni-Ni loop definitely had some part in that and we both had the inclination that there's a single major unknown that stopping us from committing to a serious long term relationship with the intention of staying together for good unless proven otherwise.

Since flying to Japan I've felt the burden and the pondering lessen and she explicitly said that she thinks the distance and long term connection is the solution for her unresolved unknown,

Some extra context:

Our connection seems to hold true and the trust hasn't been stronger,

We both get incredibly inspired by each other pretty equally, we both find each other incredibly cute especially, intelligent as well as high emotional intelligence, we have inside jokes, our core values match, there's intimate compatibility, we felt absolute peace while cuddling, in terms of a life partner relationship we have the same end goals, we plan our individual futures together to be parallel and compatible while following our own existing dreams.

We both been in toxic relationships, seeked professional help and learned our lessons from those relationships and what to do different and moved on from them.

We currently have a mutual disinterest in seeking another relationship, we seem to be compatible and satisfied together.

I fiercely protect her from giving in to people pleasing tendencies with me, I make sure she doesn't diminish her value,

She gives me what I require from a relationship; equality in expectations, the joy of the present and the grounding in it, as I tend to lose myself in the future often.

Now I would like to ask you, is this the mark of a healthy relationship or are we missing something important or multiple we would need to address and what is your opinion of this physical distance in order to stifle the growing intensity of the honeymoon phase and enjoy our relationship for what it is and not let it burn too intensely?

I need help figuring out how to “trick” my mind, or get it on board with what I need to do.

I’m an INFJ medical student, and a year from now, I’ll be taking an exam that largely determines my future: which residency specialty I can choose. If I get a good score, I can choose what I want. If I don’t, I’ll have to choose from whatever is left.

Here’s what I’m struggling with:

1. I feel a lot of pressure because of my INFJ learning style. I learn very slowly because I do a lot of research whenever I’m studying something. My brain constantly asks, “Why is it like this? Why is it called that? Why did they choose this rather than something else?” Answering all those questions takes time, so I get through the material very slowly

2. Because I feel slower than my peers, and I’ve read that spaced repetition is the best way to learn, my study sessions are emotionally exhausting too. I’m not just learning new material and trying to understand the big picture first(which my peers don’t seem to need in the same way), I’m also thinking ahead to all the effort it will take to make that information stick. From the very beginning, I can already see how much work is ahead of me, and that exhausts me too

3. I know that being this stressed can make it harder to retain information and make me more likely to procrastinate, which only adds to the pressure.

4. I’ve always been someone who puts the things I want to do first and studying second. I never felt trapped by my previous exams because preparing for them was more like a sprint than a marathon. I could put the things I enjoyed aside for a few weeks, get through the exams, and then go back to prioritizing my interests. It was a temporary sacrifice, and I knew I’d get that freedom back.

Now, I feel like I have to switch that order for an entire year: studying for this exam has to come first, and all my other passions have to come second. But as soon as I tell myself, “Okay, this is how I’m going to do it,” I feel caged. 

So how can I “trick” myself into finding purpose in studying, or make it something I actually want to prioritize? Simply telling myself how important this exam is doesn’t work. That kind of pressure has only ever motivated me when an exam was a few weeks away. With something this far off, it just makes me freeze.

I find medicine really interesting, and I love learning about it, but after spending a while on the same subject(for example antibiotics) my mind starts craving something different, like escaping into a fiction book.

How can I make studying for this exam feel like my safe space, my passion, something I naturally want to keep coming back to and spend most of my time doing? I want that desire to come from within, because the moment it becomes something I have to put above everything else, I feel trapped and start avoiding it.

And I feel like I really do need to spend that much time on it because I learn slowly when I’m trying to understand things deeply and I need to put in more time to make up for my slower pace. That’s why I’m trying to find a way to want to study as much as I feel I need to.

I have this group of old friends that are trying to reconnect with me that I was very hurt by in the past. I think they have mixed feelings about me, like I do believe some have genuine concern for me but it’s also a feeling of obligation but my defence mechanisms are just up with them. I try to think about how I would feel talking to them but I imagine the best case would be just friendly and cordial interaction, but no emotional attachment to them. I feel like I just don’t know how to act in front of them. I have CPTSD too and thinking about this has made me lose function in the past few days.. I feel like I don’t know if im overreacting or it’s a genuine boundary i should keep..

Some things happened but they were very close friends to me. Now I just feel grief thinking about them. I was angry but I don’t feel angry anymore. I keep thinking about them and I care for them and I want to summon the good feelings I had for them but I can’t..

I'm an INFJ (F) talking to an INTJ (M), and I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this.

We get along really well, and he shares a lot about his interests and daily life. He also initiates conversations (we're only texting) sometimes, so it's not like I'm the only one reaching out.

But I feel like I'm usually the one asking questions and trying to get to know him, while he doesn't seem as curious about me. It's a little confusing because he does seem engaged when we talk.

Have any of you experienced something similar with a male INTJ? Did it turn out to be just his communication style, or was he simply not that interested in getting to know you? 😅

I'd appreciate any input.

Help, my infj 9 core bf always says “making you happy makes me happy”. But for once I want to give him something that is purely him where I am uninvolved. Problem is I don’t know what to give, and he doesn’t really know what he wants or tell me his desires outside of “us”. As a 3, I like to be able to give or perform for him. Something, merely existing is not an option!

Hi, just a quick one
I have noticed an issue with how I communicate with close people and vise versa, the problem is I’m not the best person to explain what’s in my mind or what I feel, and if I do express it, usually it’s in naive and weird way that doesn’t interest most people(for example, more literature and symbolic way, usually bad results almost always), so I began to notice who am I really that I forgot. and I understood that I’m outrageously, badly misunderstood from people around me. I’m talking about at least 20 to 30 closest people -who God blessed me with-.
Everyone has their own image of me in their heads that’s different, and the strange thing is they’re more confident in a way of that this image is Me, more than what I know of myself.
Anyway, lately I developed a habit to just try to not be misunderstood at least, without hurting anyone’s feelings, so I began to decrease the amount of words I say. And I mean literally, one of the things that kept me misunderstood, is I keep repeating what I am saying to others and they don’t listen, so I try to explain it in all different ways and repeat it in relation with their own feelings, which makes it even worse lol. (I am not sure if they don’t understand it, or they’re.. I don’t know what’s their case with it. )So I became “fed up” with it and just started not saying anything not necessary, and I mean I really don’t. And this has helped me a lot strangely, yet, even with this solution, some groups of people still misunderstands me to a point where it hurts, especially if it’s someone old who I have to respect.
Long story short, I feel better with this “technique” yet I still develop it currently. Anyone experienced such things as an INFJ, and has any more advices, insights or suggestions, maybe their own experience, it will help me and others understand ourselves and others more.

It's a college mate, we have talked a couple of time and I think we are both actracted by each other. Not sure if he is an infj, I'm not a fan of those stereotypes but the first time i talked to him I was instantly actracted by his secure and soft way to talk, and his pfp is a infj lol.
However, should I wait him to make the first move?
I feel like a teenager having a crush, but at this moment I've been already been disappointed by my ex and by my old homeboy, feeling like I was giving 100 while they gave me 10 and trauma in return. Advices?

My tastes aren't exactly mainstream, so I often feel like I'm just... out of sync. I need to find a way of living in this world that fits an INFJ.. but it feels vague, like a story from some far-off place. My inner self felt pretty sorted out, but once that was more or less done, I looked around and realized I was back at rock bottom. The feeling of having absolutely nothing... somewhere inside me, I just felt this anger. What should I do to live a life that actually fits my nature? No matter what I look at in reality, it's all... I don't know... it feels like fields that require an accumulation of time. I've lived my life diligently, but yesterday and today, this anger is rising from somewhere deep in my chest.. what do you all do for a living?

Where are the actual odds in my favor, realistically.. I want to have some practical substance in the real world too.

I used to be like this... a lot. Even now, I have to catch myself from placing people on pedestals and falling down the rabbit hole of self-blame.

The older I get, though, the more I realize that a lot of the things I used to consume myself over were, at their core, compatibility issues. You go out of your way to keep certain people in your life, pouring so much of yourself into them. Yet when those people show you they're unable to meet you where you need them to be, you somehow end up looking inward as if you have a defect.

If you know you did what you could to make something work, what more could you have done? Asking myself this question helps me let go of the weight of not being enough in someone else's eyes.

How do you handle the tension?

‎We get caught between two truths all the time!

‎Because it is common for the INFJ to see any situation from more than one perspective, and because there is usually some truth on each side of a disagreement (not all, but some), it’s not unusual for us to see two contradictory truths. How do we handle that? We acknowledge that both truths exist and we hold space for each. The fact that they exist as a truth does not mean they must be reconciled with each other. The world is neither black, nor white, but shades of gray where many truths may exist.

‎For us, if we must choose one over the other, I think most of us choose the one that best aligns with our personal values and integrity.

I feel like even if I think I’m doing a good job at it, I’m unintentionally showing it on my face that I’m grossed out or annoyed etc.

Maybe it’s just a me issue?

I currently work a 9-5 corporate job and I am thinking about going back to school to be in the mental health profession. I feel a huge calling to help people more in my day-to-day, so outside of work, I do coaching and read tarot for fun. Its been nice to have an outlet to use my healing abilities and have a corporate job to not worry about how I will make a steady flow of income. It's been nice to compartmentalize.

However, the more I am at the job, the more I feel misaligned and wasted potential of people I could be helping. I am also scared about taking on my my profession as my identity, or in other words, having my main source of income be my energy to help people. Has anyone else felt this as an INFJ?

i used to strive to make so many friends and i did achieve it at one point, but i have currently come to the conclusion that none of it matters. i dislike my own pessimism, yet i can't help it.

at the start of the year (im 22f for context) i decided id cut off all of my real life friends. i lived abroad for a bit and realized that people don't make any effort to see you again or feel excited or have any desire to properly present themselves when you're back. i always made sure to buy presents, find atmospheric places to hang out, pay for them, sincerely put effort. unfortunately people don't enjoy trying new things or activities that demand more than staring at your phone or talking about shallow nonsense. its not my style. they live as though it all comes to them automatically. having an initiative friend is taken for granted and they internally believe that they deserve the effort being put into maintaining the friendship with them. its a parasitic connection. they genuinely think they're fun. i got sick of it all and ive been living in isolation. gotta say, its not so bad.

most people ive met are in love with themselves, blurring their vision from seeing their own imperfections, which makes them lack self-awareness. online friends are so much more valuable to me and its definitely because people who are capable of making friends online are used to the fact that distance isn't a reason to deny someone's time (if that makes sense). maybe one day ill find someone interesting, but im completely fine being alone for now. even if its miserable sometimes, it has its own charm to it.

tldr: a bunch of nothingness about how people don't appreciate true friendships, or that i just suck as an individual.

Hello, fellow infjs. I would like some help with an incident that happened recently. I had a school project with a group. i accidentally stood up three/four people and made them wait for me for 45 minutes before they eventually gave up and went home. I was the one who planned the whole thing, got the location, and then didn't show. Why? because i was a moron and spent the night studying till 6am for midterms. I fell asleep at my desk and missed the time slot. I feel absolutely awful. we rescheduled. However, I cannot get over this nagging pain in my chest. it's literally haunting me. I already plan to apologize profusely at the next meetup, as well as inform the teacher of my faults if anything goes wrong due to the fact we had to delay the project. But i literally cannot focus on anything now. Also, i know this is not an exclusively infj experience, but i thought you guys would be able to provide me with methods/ways of getting over this and moving on, as well as any helpful stories that might improve my mood. Thank you.

Hello everyone! I wanted to ask those of you who have an INTJ partner: Do you sometimes feel like they can be dominant or forceful when making suggestions? Do they ever make decisions without consulting you, or tend to do things their way because they believe it’s the right thing to do? Even if they take your point of view into consideration, do they still end up doing what they think is best based on their own perspective
Does it affects your relationship with them?
How you mange it without going through clashes?

Why is it that i am the only one that is interested in keeping peace and harmony? You are going on a walk with somebody or you are embarking on a trip with someone. Everyone has points that they don't agree on, but you are hanging out because you are friends or related. Why is it that they start pushing your buttons, try to get a rise out of you, or act childish, or something along those lines? Now, I have to swallow this crap to keep the peace and have this be a good trip or time together. Getting sick of bearing this burden all the time.

Flip side - these people have no idea that I resented this aspect of them and that i am getting sick of them. Not fair to both sides. What is wrong with me?

To preface this I don't feel this way anymore and I've had many friends in my life that don't make me feel weird.

I felt a lot of times, especially at work or in environments that I was in but didn't feel an actual connection with that my jokes would bomb or if I tried to describe a feeling it'd come across as a book written by Homer. I once described my job as a project manager as "herding cats, because while not everyone agrees it's my job to open the can of tuna and bring them together." I thought it was a cleaver way to say that I'm a good mediator and can get people that are in conflict to agree, which honestly is one of my best skills. But I felt like an idiot because no one understood it and asked why I'd herd cats.

Now I've learned to simply let those types of conversation stay in my head and just be direct to people. It's depressing, boring, and I sometimes feel like I'm just trying to fit in.

i’m unsure whether i’m closer to ISFJ or INFJ. I feel like on the outside I align way more with INFJ, but I can’t exactly keep track of how I think/ arrive at conclusions. I’m scared of trying new things because of anxiety, but I don’t like rigid schedules or traditions. I’m also not very nostalgic and I am pretty future oriented. I understand typing myself based on stereotypes will never give me a clear answer, But my head is already so chaotic that it feels impossible to backtrack my thoughts in the moment. Any INFJs out there who can tell me what convinced them?

(just to clarity, this post is about MBTI typing rather than venting, and I’m not seeking mental health advice.)

Ever just get to that moment with literally... everyone?

Hi all! So for the longest I thought I was an ENFJ, but after taking a much longer test and looking into the differences of Ni vs Ne, etc, I've been secretly an INFJ this whole time! Who knew? But it honestly makes a lot of sense...

So I was thinking about what's been going on with me recently and I wondered if anyone else reaches a point like me where I just get so frustrated with people running to me for advice, then not taking it, then expecting me to solve their wild fires that they created for themselves, that I just get to a point where I just run away and hide in my room and stop offering advice and switch to, "that sucks, sorry to hear" mode and carry on. I've always felt like I'm everyone's therapist but no one is there for me in the same manner that I'm there for them and it has left me feeling more and more like people don't deserve the wisdom I offer. How many times do I have to say "I told you so" and then they get upset that I was right and I just stand there and shrug. But then next time... do the SAME thing and don't accept my advice and then I watch the train crash all over again and the cycle repeats.

Do you all get to the same point too? Like, it just makes me want to kick everyone out of my metaphorical house and tell them to deal with themselves. But part of me feels like if I do, I'm just going to watch the apocalypse start around me. And I hate how arrogant that sounds on top of it all..