My sleep is so dysfunctional. this is the life I’ve lived 24/7 for 5 years. living through an emotionally draining life in my sleep and totally empty during the day. I experience the dreams in real time as if I’m living another life in my sleep. They never end.

i dont know how I will ever have a normal life again. My sleep basically is keeping my nervous system in this state. not one dream is ever, good, always bad or evil. The dreams aren’t anything that has actually ever happened to me before. It’s like my mind is writing new movies and I am forced to watch / feel them.

i truly don’t think this is fixable. Not one doctor or therapist get it. I can’t find any literature on people experiencing what I am either. this has wasted 5 years of my life. 5 years I’ll never get back. And who knows how many more.

failed medication after medication. Failed therapy after therapy. My emotional numbness has gotten worse pretty much each year. I don’t even remember what it’s like to have feelings. And the dreams have over written my actual memories, I have no access to them. I feel like I’ve been locked in a prison with no exit.

Hi everyone!

I just want to start by saying how relieved I am to have found this community. I’ve struggled with DPDR for years, and I always felt like no one truly understood what I was going through. Reading so many comments from people who describe exactly what I’ve experienced has finally made me feel understood and less alone.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and although I had my DPDR episodes under control, I started feeling disconnected again after beginning Vyvanse. The medication has definitely helped with my concentration and even my anxiety, but I’m worried it might be making my DPDR worse.

I didn’t take it today, but I still feel very disconnected. I’ve also been having a hard time engaging in conversations and even finding the right words, which is really unsettling.

Has anyone else experienced something similar, especially after starting ADHD medication? I’d really appreciate hearing about your experiences!

Why is nothing cute anymore ? It's like this altered how I see people and even celebrities aren't cute anymore.. did anyone else have that ?

It's like I'm not me at all anymore

hello everyone. i struggle with dpdr and anxiety…lately a dpdr flare up came back and i was starting to feel better due to distraction but i guess i got hyperaware that the distraction was actually helping me so every time i feel myself get distracted a thought pops in my head to remind me that im trying to distract myself? i can barely explain it but its scary and idk if its extreme anxiety or dpdr induced OCD. i’m scared that ill never be distracted again and that the thought will pop up for the rest of my life. im scared that ill never stop thinking about it, and it pops up in my head every 5 seconds. i really need advice because dealing with just dpdr is a job in itself and now these constant thoughts are just distressing me more. if you have any advice, please help..im becoming hopeless. it’s like my brain won’t shut off and i haven’t felt joy in over a month.

This illness is impossible to describe, how bizzare and horrifying it is.

I spent last decade in severe DPDR.

I dont even know what happened. I can't experience anything. I dont believe anything that is happening. Everything is like a dream to me but in full actual sense of it. It is like watching a movie in a dream.

BUT IT IS NOT. And that is the most terrifying thing.

Something seriously bad happens to me or my family but I cannot actually become aware of it. I dont even know what happened for the last decade. This is terribly serious condition and horror-like illness.

I LITERALLY feel like I am stuck at my age and life prior to 10 years. Not in metaphorical sense, not "as a joke". REALLY, ACTUALLY.

I cannot believe how bizzare this feeling and whole experience is. This is something out if this world. I cannot even describe it.

It is like I occasionally wake up from decade-old coma just to slightly see tha tI am in coma but I cant do anything.

(17F) This is transcribed from a voice memo (so excuse the constant … and the dramatic/weird formatting or statements that might not make too much sense) because it’s easier to be get my emotions out and actually feel them while im talking it out:

I'm reaching a breaking point in my life where...
I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.Every day. And I have, No one that I can relate to. No one that understands what I'm going through. I love my therapist dearly. And she gives me amazing advice and she's really helpful. And I'm very grateful to have her. But, it feels like, I've just gone through so much that, No one understands. No one understands. I feel like my my situation is so specific. No, I guess what I'm going through. And just, it's too, to describe it all.

To start with the most recent issue is my sleep.
My sleep and my brain fog and my headaches, my chronic headaches. I can't sleep at night. I don't know why. I guess it's because my body is so used to being in this. Carrying the stress that I'm, I'm not even, I don't even know that I have on a surface level. But deep down, I can't sleep at night. Which leads to a lot of headaches throughout the day. My body is just yearning.
Yearning. To sleep. I just, like my body is telling me, my body is like begging for it. And I try to lay down to sleep. Nap, do anything like that. And I just can't do it. And it's this cycle of me not being able to sleep. Makes me more stressed. So I can't sleep. And I get headaches because of that, or I don't even know why I get headaches, but I think it's probably a big deal of it is because of that. Or maybe it's a combination of things. I don't know, but I get headaches, which makes it harder to sleep. And I just, this cycle. This positive feedback loop cycle. this doesn't stop, and I don't know how to break it. And it's killing me because I can't, I can't even do anything basic anymore. It's hard for me to drive sometimes because I’m so tired and out of it. It's hard for me to enjoy television because I can't follow the story. It's hard for me to enjoy things.

To preface. I've had DPDR. For a long time now. And I've gone through emotions of my emotional state, getting a lot better. And my ability to understand the world around me has significantly improved. Compared to the ego centrism that comes with DPDR in the beginning because you're just so in this little bubble of your own survival every day. And you're so confused and I felt... Like, I was so close to recovery. I felt like I was so close to recovering this August. Right before I started college, I thought it would be. I thought it would be this breakthrough for me. But I've just been struggling so hard.Ever since. And there's this adjustment period. So much change. I've just been- I guess there has been a lot of underlying stress that I don't even know about. It makes my life so much harder. Because I was in a weird emotional state. Back then during the summer I was having brain fog, which was affecting me every day, and it was hurting me a lot, but I felt like at least back then, I was in a position where I wasn't in this constant loop where I could break out of it more easily. And it could get better for me. But now I feel like I'm just immobilized. And stuck. And.. Every day. It's so much harder for me now. I want to cry sometimes, but I just can't. I just wanna move my body in anger, there are so many suppressed emotions. Suppress the emotions within me that I can't even physically let out if I wanted to. And.. The beginning of this.. Sleep cycle, and I don't even know what to call it. Ever since I started college in these past month or so, has made my DPDR significantly worse.

And thank God, and I'm happy that I know what I know now. About my emotional regulation, and I have grown a lot. It has been a big journey for me so far, and I do appreciate that. I am grateful for the emotional growth journey through DPDR I’ve had over the past year. Really, because I have no idea where I would be without it. But the physical symptoms of DPDR recently. Have gotten so horrible for me that life just feels unbearable. I can't even feel my body. I can't even feel my body anymore. I'm so much more sensitive, and apt to fall into dopamine traps because it’s the only thing that brings me comfort and distracts me from feeling like shit, like my phone all day. All the time to distract me from the shittiness that I'm constantly feeling.

I'm constantly feeling sick. Me being sick right now with bronchitis barely makes a difference. Because I'm sick all the time. I never feel well. I never feel okay. I can't think anymore. My brain fog, ever since back in May, I destroyed myself, my mental and physical health. To get a five on all of my AP exams. I took four AP exams. In close proximity to each other. And... I've never been the same ever since. I've been so tired. And I don't feel like my body has ever fully recovered from that even though it’s October. And there's been this overlap. Ive been burnt out ever since this May. And I developed severe brain fog in the midst of all the DPDR I had from that. And... Me.. Starting college, even though right before college started, I felt like it was all gonna get better. It's just gotten so much worse in a new way, in a different way that I didn't even think was possible for me. I never thought this would happen to me. I just reached a new low. And I've had different lows throughout DPDR, but this is new, and I don't know how to handle it.

I'm in my honours classes at university. And I can't even think, and I can't even synthesize information as well as I want to. To participate in my discussions I have to write down every thought I have because I will immediately forget it, my head feels so heavy, and like there’s a block on my memory. It's, I have to study harder now because it's so much more difficult for me to remember basic things. I don't even remember what I had for lunch yesterday. I don't even remember what I did a week ago. I don't remember anything. And it's horrible. I, and I, I come out and, I talk to my friends, and I act, like a normal person, and, like, everything is fine. But it's not. It's the complete opposite. People have no idea how much I am suffering on a day to day basis. And I don't know what to do anymore.

I have a therapist. And I want to try and get better, but I also want to hear different perspectives of people who have actually gone through this. I feel like I'm the only one. I feel like my situation is just so dire and specific. That no one else can believe to me. And I'm transcribing this through a voice memo, because I'm crying right now while saying all of this. And... I.. Don't know what to do anymore. It feels like.. Everyone else has their shit together. And my therapist tells me, hey, you need to do this. You need to do that. You need to stretch. You need to- you need to meditate. You need to exercise. and people around me that aren't doing these things seem to be fine. Why is no one else developing DPDR and having all these issues? Why is it just me? Why is it just me? Why do I need to do all of these things? Just.. to Feel somewhat okay. Just to feel like I'm somewhat getting better. Why do I have to do this? And everyone else can just live their life and be fine. Why just me? I don't understand. And that's why I've been so.. Reluctant sometimes. And I feel kind of resentful towards these wellness techniques that everyone Including my therapist recommends for me, because why am I the only one that has to do this? I mean, that's not true, but why am I going through something so, so dire? Every single day.
To where.. To where I have to do these things. I have to checkmark these things off on my to do list every single day. Just to feel remotely okay. And even then, I still feel like shit. And I try so hard. I tried so hard to sleep at night.

I can- I can eat okay. I can not drink as much fluids before bed, so I'm not up at night, not waking up in the middle of the night, and you need to use the bathroom. I try so many things. I take L-theanine at night. I take melatonin, I take all these supplements, and I still just not rested. My head, my head is still pounding when I wake up. The back of my head, the top of my head, the front of my forehead. My sinus cavity. And just because I said that- don't say it's my sinuses causing this. But.. Like, all of my facial muscles, like, my top facial muscles, my head, it's just all in pain all the time, and because of that. It's so, so, so hard to interact with my surroundings and I'm just a 17 year old girl.

I'm about to be 18. Next week. I'm about to be 18 next week and this is how I'm spending my final days. Being a kid. It's so sad. If anyone else out there.. Can relate to me or just hear my message.. Or someone who.. Even remotely understands what I'm going through, or professionals who understand what I’m going through, please feel free to say something, or.. Or for some advice or some sympathy, to help me out.

Because I need help.

Okay so I’ve posted here super often like embarrassingly often. I just want to be heard and reassured that this is simply just dpdr. For context: this started for me July 23rd. so about 3 months ago now. Mine randomly hit me while driving home from a photoshoot. No panic or weed or anything. My bloodwork is normal but I plan to get an MRI or CT scan and some other tests done as well. primarily because for whatever reason I felt 60% recovered while taking a course of amoxicillin antibiotics for a few weeks during September.

Symptoms I currently deal with:

- Feeling as though I’m stuck in this weird bubble

- Feeling as if there is no outlook on the future or reflection of the past

- Time distortion: yesterday feels like a year ago, time is a complete blur. Everyday blurs into the other like there is no start and end

- SLEEP: Sleep is so bizzare to me. I sleep for 6-8 hours a night and it just doesn’t feel right. It feels like I never slept, not energy wise but like the transition from sleeping to waking up is non existent so it just feels like it’s blurred into one another

- Cognitive decline: My brain feels like it literally isn’t processing information. Like my eyes aren’t fully here and processing what I’m looking at and my hearing now feels the same. Also I feel like I’m genuinely getting dumb. It takes me longer to sit there and grasp what I need to do or what’s happened in the day etc.

- Brain Fog I think? Kind of ties back into the cognitive decline I have been feeling I feel like my mind just can’t feel clear anymore like everything is unattainable.

- Autopilot everyday basically

- Emotions feel weird as well. I still feel love and some happiness and stress etc but it just feels kind of distant?

- Constant relentless research and rumination over everything I’m feeling like I can’t stop myself or shut my brain off to actually try and give it a rest for a few weeks. I’m obsessed with how I’m feeling probably ocd.

- Visually things just feel a bit off. Not as bad anymore but I still don’t feel like everything looks right. Like I’m not present in the moment experiencing anything.

- Lack of motivation: simple tasks are hard to do. Not because I can’t force myself to do them everything just feels like a task now because all I care about is this condition.

SYMPTOMS THAT SEEMED TO HAVE GONE AWAY:

- Surroundings feeling unfamiliar. Don’t really experience that anymore tbh

- Anxiety/Panic: The anxiety and panic kind of just went away after the first few weeks. I haven’t had that butterfly feeling in my stomach at all really for months now

- No appetite: At first I could barely eat I was so scared and anxious but that also went away and no I can eat loads of food if I wanted to

- Anhedonia: I still am on the fence about this because I don’t really know but I think at least the severity of this went away. I can play games or something and not force myself to laugh and I can feel certain things now

- Feeling as if I’m in some weird twisted version of reality like a dark cloud over me: Don’t really have this anymore

- Insomnia: Not sure if this is even related to dpdr but had a few weeks that I literally had a sudden onset of sleep anxiety and would sleep every other night. That kind of went away and I sleep normally and get tired normally now.

That pretty much covers it. If anyone who’s recovered wants to chime in and tell me I’m not losing my mind or this is something I can recover from that would be great but also just anyone who can relate.

sometimes I will be trying to get homework done, and then I slowly begin to lose the ability to do it. It's as if the dopamine that comes from completing the task gets sucked out of the task randomly (even if it's something i am deeply passionate about), and trying to force myself to do it feels like I am trying to saw off my own arm.

I have tried many strategies:

- I try super hard to visualize either the actual reward that I will get from doing the task, or a fake reward to try to trick my brain.

- I will try to tell myself that the deadline is incredibly soon.

- I will try to write a checklist that I can physically see in front of me to try to motivate myself to get everything on the list done.

But sometimes it gets so bad that nothing seems to work. I have identified different things in my life that I associate with different levels of dopamine/motivation/appeal, some of which are things that I am not too proud of (fast food, scrolling on my phone) and today specifically, even doing all of those things felt like hell.

It felt like I was physically in pain trying to do anything because my brain was screaming "this is not worth your time. this is a waste of energy. you will be hurt badly if you attempt to do these things" and i guess at this point it was screaming this at everything in existence, so I could only just sit in pain all day today.

I should also mention that when I get into these states, my dissociative state gets a lot worse and I can barely conceptualize anything or register different things as real/describe them without it feeling painful.

all of these symptoms mirror some ADHD symptoms, but I know that it's not ADHD because I didn't struggle with these things before the DPDR set in. do any other chronic 24/7 DPDR havers struggle with this? what ways have you dealt with it?

im on my layover to puerto rico where im from, and im trying to have a fun vacation and get away from my own life. but my depersonalization is genuinely killing me. I havent felt a thing this whole time. life is going too fast for me to even feel an emotion because i feel like its so much easier to disassociate 24/7.

i hate this so much. i wish time would stop flying by. i went to a concert of my favorite band for the first time and it just passed. The entire time i was thinking about being there, being present. And even now, i can’t think anything other than “am i present?“. ive tried shoving that thought out of my mind and just focus on my environment but theres literally nothing else to think about because it all just doesnt feel real.

this is so terrible. i just want to enjoy my vacation but its just terrible. im sad i cant remember barely a thing from the concert and im sad ill barely remember this trip altogether.

I’m 24f and I dissociate 24/7. Since the end of August it has been a living hell for me and it’s been the worst it’s ever been. I’ve been dealing with it for years, but it’s been kinda in the background. I realize it’s there, but it hasn’t really bothered me.

Now for the past almost two months it’s just been unbearable. First it was panic attacks every night, then it was losing my identity, then personality, and now I have no feelings at all.

I can’t think straight or put together simple sentences sometimes, I can’t speak or almost slur at times, I forget things seconds after I did them or before I want to do something, I feel like I’m not in control of my body, time either goes super slow or super fast, something I did 5 minutes ago could feel like it was a year ago, I forget where I am sometimes, I “black out” while I’m still awake, and just so much more.

One of the things that has helped me has been reading some Reddit posts about people who have recovered or who are dealing with the same feelings as me and it makes me feel less alone.

I was just wondering if anyone wanted to chat about it and maybe share how they recovered, what they’re doing to recover, or even just someone else who feels alone and frightened