I had one of the funniest invasions I've had in years tonight, and I need to tell somebody about this fucking guy.
Some context: I've been playing Souls games since Dark Souls on the Xbox 360. I've played DS1, DS2, DS3, Bloodborne, and Elden Ring multiple times each. I'm not a pvp guy, never made a real attempt at it, never had the skill.
I'm currently doing another DS1 run for fun, this time building toward a Dex/Pyromancy character with Quelaag's Furysword.
Except I'm nowhere near having the actual build online yet.
At the time of this story, I'm in the Undead Parish wearing the Wanderer set, carrying a Knight Shield, a +3 Scimitar, and a Short Bow.
That's it.
No pyromancy yet. No fancy weapon. Basically no armor worth mentioning. My fucking bow was doing 9 damage to this guy.
So I'm clearing out the church when I get invaded.
Enter Fuckwad.
Name is TaleofSpite or HandofSpite or some shit.
This guy comes running up wearing the Crown of Dusk, carrying what I'm pretty sure was either the Manus Catalyst and he's got Dark Bead. I think he also had Dark Hand, although I'm less certain about that.
And apparently he decides he's going to style on me.
He casts at me. I roll it.
Then he starts doing that wonderful PvP ego routine where he'll let the poorly equipped host hit him a few times because, haha, look how little damage you're doing.
So I hit him.
And hit him.
And hit him.
And hit him.
And suddenly I'm taking actual chunks off his health bar. Apparently the joke stopped being funny, because this motherfucker runs away. And I don't mean he backs off to heal and reset the fight. He fucking leaves.
He runs all the way down the long staircase outside the church and waits at the bottom, very obviously expecting me to chase him through all the NPC enemies so he can turn around and Dark Bead me while I'm fighting them.
I have played Dark Souls before.
So... no.
I shoot an arrow at him.
9 damage.
He keeps running.
Fine.
I go back to playing Dark Souls. I farm some enemies. Pick up some items. Wander around. Occasionally check whether Fuckwad has decided to come back. He hasn't.
Eventually he apparently realizes that the man he invaded has simply resumed playing the fucking videogame, so he comes charging back up. He runs past me and goes into the church.
And then he just stands there.
Now, I know exactly what he's doing. The Channeler is still alive on the ledge.
He wants me to charge into the church after him so the Channeler and the other PvE enemies can help him kill me.
Again:
No.
So I pull out the Short Bow.
9.
Another arrow.
9.
Another.
9.
Fuckwad does the arms-spread gesture at me like, "Well? Come on."
I'm not walking into your extremely obvious fucking trap.
Also, unfortunately for him, while my bow does approximately the damage of an aggressive mosquito, I have 400 arrows.
I can do this all fucking night.
Eventually he gets sick of being slowly murdered nine HP at a time and finally charges out of the church to actually fight the poorly equipped host he invaded.
And I start beating his ass again.
Hit him. Back off.
Hit him. Back off.
Avoid the giant fuck-you sorcery.
Hit him again.
Somehow I get this heavily kitted-out Dark Bead user down to roughly 30% health with my fucking +3 Scimitar.
Eventually I run low on stamina, have to back off, he finally gets enough room to fire off Dark Bead properly, and deletes me.
Fair enough.
I lost.
It's Dark Souls. Shit happens.
And then this magnificent creature walks over to my corpse and:
POINTS DOWN.
You invaded an early-game character wearing the Wanderer set with a +3 Scimitar. You brought Dark Bead and the Crown of Dusk. You tried to style on me and got chunked for it.
Then you nearly fucking died again.
And after five minutes of this shit, you finally managed to Dark Bead a guy whose build isn't even online yet and hit him with the Point Down.
Well done, champion. I haven't laughed this hard at an invader in a long fucking time.
Wherever you are, Fuckwad, I hope you're doing well.
