I canceled all of our upcoming appointments last week because I felt like she wasn't the right therapist for me. I messaged her to let her know ofc. She already knows that I do have suicidal ideations but it's passive, I don't intend to act on it. It took 7 long months with my psychiatrist to perfect my medication combo and I'm doing amazing actually. she called me today and proceeds to say that she doesn't want to get off the phone and end here because she thinks I'm a risk to myself. Understandable yes.... But I literally told her that I don't want to act on my ideations.
She started to talk about how I should look into php or iho to help me and I told her that I'll look into it. Mind you I'm at work. In a hospital.... I work in radiology. If I felt some type of way I would've checked myself in. She started asking me for the address, I should've told her no because I already knew where this was going so I gave her the address to a different hospital. She said the crisis people or whatever it's called would give me a call. I planned on telling them that I was fine. They never called me. I got a call from my mom and I thought it was her but the lady answered. She started asking me if I'm okay etc etc and wanted to make sure I was safe. I'm beyond fucking irritated because I specifically told her I was okay. And then to show up multiple cars deep at my house with my mom being there by herself is just embarrassing. She has Parkinson's disease and severe anxiety. She said she can't stop shaking now and she was scared that something happened to me so I had to assure her I was completely okay. I don't know if they thought that they would come get me but that's not happening. Iak wtf she thought but this is crazyyyy!!!!!

I don't think I'm being normal about my crush and I fear it is a symptom of hypomania. I always get weird about a guy every so often and it's happened again. Always, always it's a guy I can't have.

We work together but there's rules against dating your coworkers where we work. I just don't know what to do with having strong feelings for someone I barely know. I feel drawn to him and happier when he's around. It's a crush I know but I'm afraid that it might mean I'm going into hypomania.

My one manic episode started because I became obsessed with one of my teachers in college. Nothing happened between us of course but I said and believed crazy shit like I was going to marry him one day.

I just wish I were normal and that having a crush wasn't a potential sign of my illness. I've mostly avoided dating because it seems like something is deeply wrong with me whenever I like someone. It's like I'm not allowed to feel like this. It's never a cute little crush, it's a sign and a reminder of my mental illness. I can't just enjoy these feelings I have especially if it means I'm going hypomanic.

I'm worried that when my psychiatrist retires, my meds will have to be managed by my GP. My GP is fantastic, but he would be the first to admit that mental health isn't his thing.

I'm curious if most of us have a psychiatrist that we see on an ongoing basis, or if most of us are sent back to our GPs.

Mention your province if you feel comfortable!

I don't know what to do. I just got off the phone with my boss and he is about to fire me. I have been a horrible employee. I am unable to perform the basic duties of an extremely cushy job. How am I supposed to live this way? If I can't consistently work, am I destined to end up homeless on the streets? I don't even know if I could do a part-time job at this point. I used to be a 4.0 honors student and barely finished college with all my failed classes by the end.

I'd rather die than be asked to mooch off those I love to whom I've been a terrible friend, or my family on whom I cannot have any dependency whatsoever because I cannot trust them. I love my girlfriend, but she will leave me if she discovers I cannot even provide for my own most basic needs. She does not deserve to be dragged down by me. I love NYC and all of my social support networks are here. If I leave to live off unemployment alone somewhere else and resign to a life of permanent poverty to be permanently considered worthless by the majority of society, then why should I continue to survive? What is even the point in continuing living off I am silently resented by those around me?

A career change looks less viable now than ever because I was recently doxxed in connection with my arrest at a completely nonviolent protest without provocation and had to take down my LinkedIn.

Alternatively, I could admit myself to an inpatient psychiatric hospital and put myself thousands of dollars in debt, likely leading to an even faster eviction and a further postponement of dental fillings I've been putting off...

I'm thinking I'm just going to enjoy my final days with my girlfriend and friends as much as I possibly can and end things quietly. They don't have to know why before it happens. I used to volunteer at the suicide hotline and the truth was, the only solution to the suffering so many people experience is a fundamental change in our economic system,
which is clearly not going to happen at any point in our lifetimes. Many of the people I spoke to would explain to me their justifications for wanting to die, and I honestly could not in good faith think of a rebuttal to what some of them said, try as I might. I now feel like I'm finally that person, and I finally know what it's like. It's both illuminating and terrifying. Logically, everything points to one answer. I cannot continue living a life worth living, and the safety necessary to get back on my feet (however much time this might take, if this is even possible) does not exist, so life is not worth surviving.

I get that I sound like a self-centered buzzkill. I really am not usually like this, sorry all.

If you have ever had a psychiatrist drop you, what were the circumstances? Like were they retiring, minimizing their caseload, was it due to a conflict, etc? And how much support did you get finding a new psychiatrist?

TW: Mentions of psychosis

I've been diagnosed bipolar 1 for well over a decade, although my first hospitalization was initially diagnosed as cannabis-induced psychosis. For a long time I just kind of accepted the label, took my medications, and focused on staying stable.

I'm an engineer, which makes it a little funny that I spent years trying to manage my brain without getting particularly curious about how any of it actually works lol.

Lately I've been going down a neuroscience rabbit hole: dopamine, serotonin, glutamate, GABA, what different classes of psychiatric meds actually do, and how sleep, stress, and substances can throw things off. I've even been using mechanical analogies to make sense of it: acceleration, brakes, feedback loops, etc. Obviously it's a huge oversimplification, but it's helped me ask better questions.

Part of what sparked this was looking back at my episodes. A lot of them were terrifying and paranoid rather than euphoric. My first followed a dab, a ton of stress, and about three days without sleep. I've also had an episode with religious grandiosity. It's made me realize how much I still don't understand about experiences I've lived through.

Despite some pretty gnarly setbacks, I've managed to build a life I'm proud of. I joke that my brain's a jet engine. Pretty cool when it's running well, but maintenance is not optional lmao. I've spent years building systems and habits to help keep myself stable, and now I'm curious about the mechanisms behind all of it.

I'm working with my psychiatrist on finding a good balance between stability and quality of life. I'm not trying to outsmart treatment or figure out my personal neurotransmitter levels from a diagram. I just wish I'd gotten curious about the underlying science sooner.

Anyone else gotten really into this stuff? Did learning how your meds work or digging into the neuroscience actually change how you understand or manage bipolar? Or did it mostly give you a million more questions?

BP II mid 20s, in SoCal, and currently working for a federal grant. I have a BA in Psychology and this is the first job I’ve found that isnt ABA (burnt out from that). I still wanna work helping the community but less than 60k is not cutting it lol. I wanna do something I’m passionate about (MH, SW, NP, community - can be heavy paperwork or admin). I’m okay with moderate stress, but something I don’t always take home. I want a career, but I need to be able to afford to go back to school if that’s what it takes. Ive worked hard my whole life, missed most of my 20s to still be poor. Also a workaholic lol. How do I find my way?

It's like, I'm still me. Everyone automatically says they're sorry when they find out, but I'm not really sorry. Maybe because I've come to terms with it and other people see us differently, but idk. My mom pities me a lot, she's always called me dramatic and I guess it suddenly made sense for her when I got the diagnosis, while completely dismissing the emotions. My partner does pity me by accident and I get it.

It's not that I want to /be/ normal, I just want people to treat me like normal

I’ve basically been cutting myself off from all of my friends. And none of them have contacted me in over 3 weeks. Idk if I’m gonna lose them or what at this point. But I feel horrible every day. The other day I woke up and I was instantly depressed, couldn’t go back to sleep either. I’m thinking that my friends do not value me at all. And it’s gonna be a pain to make new ones. Just asking for advice because I’m in a very lonely/depressed state.

I struggle a bit with taking meds while manic but it’s the moment the meds are really working that does it for me. I feel so normal right now and it makes me question everything. If it weren’t for my mood tracking I don’t think I’d even realize how bad it was. Looking back right now I just feel dramatic, It’s like my brain fuzzes over the worst of it. I can’t help but feel like I’m not bipolar and that maybe I somehow influenced the three separate bipolar diagnosis’s. A part of me knows that I only feel this way because the meds are working but why is this part so hard?

I’m in a wonderful relationship and cannot mess this up. I know coming off my meds would be a horrible decision. I can’t help thinking it’d be a good idea just to test it and prove to myself that I’m not bipolar. Why is staying on meds so hard? How do I get over this kind of thought cycle? This is my first time really trying to treat this, I think I just need to hear how from other people who are bipolar. I don’t think anyone else really gets it.

Hey everyone, I could really use some support or advice from people who understand.

Currently, I’m experiencing all the telltale signs of a hypomanic episode. I’m overspending, extremely irritable, impulsively applying to doctoral programs, and getting zero sleep while still feeling completely energized. Yeah. It's happening.

I did the responsible thing and reached out to my psychiatrist, but I found out he is completely out of the office until mid-November.

I am genuinely terrified. I haven’t been manic since 2024, and that episode lasted for 8 months. The stakes are so high for me right now and I have so much to lose. I’m currently doing my Master's for CMHC, working both a full-time and a part-time job, and I’m actively on practicum.

I absolutely cannot be seeing clients while I'm manic and all over the place. I’ve worked so hard to build this stability, and I am so scared that I am going to blow my entire life up if this escalates.

Has anyone navigated a situation like this where their provider is unreachable during an upswing? How do I pump the brakes and protect my life/practicum while I wait for him to get back? Any advice or harm reduction strategies would be incredibly appreciated.

hellooo, I’m new to my diagnoses of bipolar and I’m still figuring out my warning signs and everything.

The past couple days I’ve been getting less and less sleep and I know that’s like a telltale sign of mania. I’d get, say— 6 hours of sleep (I usually sleep 10-12 depending on where I’m at in my cycle) and then I’d take my __ (unrelated med) and I’d pass out for a couple more hours because it would make me eepy.

I stopped taking my __ 2 days ago since I’m not sick anymore, and since then I’ve been sleeping about 5 hours and have felt fine and I even went on a veryy long walk today and felt great! I’ve been very irritable and I’m not necessarily happy, I say that because when I read stories about others in mania they describe intense euphoria or happiness for no reason. I also don’t have much motivation at all. In my past episodes, I would be cleaning, working on projects, just always doing SOMETHING, but I don’t feel that now. I have all these ideas and my brain is so loud and moving so fast but I don’t know what to do I don’t know where to start 🤷🏽‍♀️. My emotions have been very intense, all of them, but I still feel like me, just.. I don’t need to sleep. I don’t want to sleep honestly but I forced myself to last night cause i knew I’d feel like shit if I didn’t get at least some sleep.

On my walk I was craving socialization(?) I went up to multiple people and started conversations with them about anything and I tried to get peoples attention I just wanted someone to talk to SO desperately for some reason which feels a bit abnormal for me because I’m more introverted usually. I feel so weird and out of it but I can’t pin point exactly what it is. I don’t know I just don’t feel normal, but I feel fine.

My thoughts and urges are very strong. I think something, it may not be safe, but I want to do it so bad, and I think about it, but I don’t do it because I’m able to ground myself, but its that urge that feels abnormal because why would I even want to do that in the first place it just doesn’t make sense??? Like there was a train passing by and I thought to myself huh, i could really just hop on that shit right now if I wanted to as it was slow enough and short enough!! I started walking toward it but I ended up not doing it and just watched the train pass by instead. Why the fuck would I even think to do some shit like that?????

Now that I’m writing this all out I feel like I’m losing my mind and I don’t feel so okay but I do but I don’t. This is such a confusing feeling and I’m not sure how to handle it and I feel a bit out of control.

Sorry if I’m rambling or if this doesn’t make sense!! I don’t know what’s happening to me :(. Does this look like mania? & Any thoughts or comments would be greatly appreciated 🙏🏽.

Two years ago I had a manic psychotic episode in which I was convinced that an ex I hadn’t spoken to in years was communicating with me telepathically, was watching me, and was in love with me. I ended up contacting them and leaving them a ton of voice messages. They’re aware of my disorder and luckily were extremely understanding but it is still one of the most humiliating things I’ve ever done.

Ever since then I will intermittently experience periods where I obsess over this person, and imagine meeting them again or imagine them watching me or reacting to things I’m doing and I don’t understand it at all because I don’t actually have any real feelings for them - we only dated for a couple months, and I’m in a long term relationship with someone I love very much, we’ve been together for 5 years and it’s been wonderful. This obsession makes me feel so guilty and creepy. Is it normal to have lingering effects from a psychosis induced obsession years after the fact?

There are times where I don’t think about them at all and other times where they are all I think about, but I barely even know them. At this point it’s been like, seven years since we actually saw each other in person. I hate this so much. Before that episode i never thought about them.

So i'm bipolar but i'm not schizophrenic. i may have schizoaffective disorder but idk. i hallucinate pretty severely, i hear voices maybe every 30 minutes and see people maybe once an hour. They get better and worse over the days; sometimes it's just a small annoyance, but sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy and I can't function at all. Obviously I can't tell the differences between everything that's fake and real but i've learned to infer that if I hear someone whispering my name a billion times and when i turn around there's no one whispering, it's not real. Does anyone else here experience hallucinations not just when you're in a manic episode- and without any co-occuring conditions? Does anyone know how to manage it? I'm unmedicated currently but i'm on anxiety meds which seem to help a bit.

I've had destructive episodes in the past but since I found this amazing psychiatrist, I felt so much better. Because of the correct mix of meds she gave me, my symptoms are almost gone (most of them). I no longer have extremely depressive episodes or lose my mind in mania, I've been extremely stable in the last years. I've been in remission for half a decade and sometimes, reading the posts in here, reading everyone's symptoms and experiences, makes me feel like some sort of imposter??? I know I'm diagnosed but sometimes I feel like I don't even belong here or something. Idk. Just wanted to vent.

Has anyone else had this problem where you just don’t enjoy listening to music as much?

I’m not even talking about during a specific episode or in specific mania or depression episodes I mean can’t really enjoy music at all.

In the past year and a half I found myself getting overwhelmed by music because it dictates my emotions too much. I miss being able to have music on in the background or listening to a specific playlist but it just gives me such a weird reaction now and I can’t really listen to music no matter what I’m doing. I don’t even really know how to explain it or how to explain how it makes me feel and that’s why I’m reaching out to see if anyone has experienced this similar issue and if there’s a reason for it or a way to fix it. I actually like making music and songwriting myself so it’s kindve ironic.

This might be important but I also have ADHD and my anxiety increased in the past year and I know it might have to do with that but in all my years of living this has generally never been an issue and my anxiety has peaked in the past still without this being an issue. I’m also currently unmedicated and have been for a while and wondering if this might change once I start medication again.

trigger warning // talks about medication (not sure if this is still part of the rules), suicidal ideation
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hi all!

last time i posted here, i was pretty much having a mental breakdown haha. since then, i met with a psychiatrist who put me on an antipsychotic as well as an extremely low dose of a blood pressure med to level out my anxiety.

safe to say im still having a mental breakdown!

it’s been about 3 weeks since i started taking them, and i’ve been coasting. today, however, my anxiety was triggered tenfold. i ended up taking 2 of the blood pressure med (it’s an as-needed med, up to 2 a day) spread out throughout the day.

since taking the second pill, i’ve experienced s*icidal ideation on steroids. i feel like im so anxious because im not good enough for what’s making me anxious, and being gone is just easier. it’s to the point where im beginning to not care about how my loved ones will feel if i follow through (im not going to, just venting). i dropped my pills earlier, and my first thought wasn’t “aw man, i dropped my pills” it was “i wonder how many of those it would take….” and that’s scary to realize.

my therapist is on vacation, and my psychiatrist is meeting with me on monday.

i guess I’ll just vent here for now.

No one has experienced the same thing as you. Generally, people only understand things they have personally experienced. I feel very lonely. I am an introvert and don't have many friends

hi all, I 26(f) was just diagnosed as bipolar 2 after intense rapid cycling over the past few months. I am a wife, mother, and licensed mental health therapist. I’m struggling to balance the clinical knowledge I have with personal stigma around a BD diagnosis. I work with many clients who have BD and have various negative experiences personally with family members that have BD.

i know it is irrational to think that BD=bad and that is what my brain says even though I know it is possible to live a healthy fulfilling life with this diagnosis.

I have a whole ass list of comorbidities that also a challenge like adhd, atypical anorexia/orthorexia, etc. and am just struggling with the realization that i am bipolar. It makes sense clinically to me and my heart is hurting.

another layer is that I am still nursing my baby and have never explored having a psychiatrist (outside of inpatient treatment) before. I’m terrified I will have to stop nursing before baby is ready to be weaned due to meds. Natural routes can be difficult for me due to eating disorder tendencies but I really want to explore whatever evidenced based options I can find.

i feel like a shit wife, mother, and therapist because I cant control when hypomania (baseline) and depressive episodes hit and I do so much to support them not happening lifestyle wise. Due to self awareness and clinical knowledge I feel like I’m stuck in a personal hell because I know what to do to help myself and sometimes I just don’t do it or it doesn’t work.

i feel angry, upset, solemn, but also validated in that what I experience i am not making up. I have my first meeting with a psych nurse to explore options in two weeks and am feeling all the things.

wishing all of you well and lives full of kindness and grace.

Long story short my sleep is a mess. When I’m manic I hardly get any sleep and I function perfectly fine, if not way above my baseline in terms of productivity and activity in general. Typical mania symptoms for a bipolar I person like myself.

But when I am stable, I am falling asleep all the time. I have to take naps all the time or I can’t stay awake. It’s really starting to take a toll on me.

A while back I was told to get tested for narcolepsy, never got around to making the appointment. It just didn’t totally make sense that I’d have narcolepsy when I function so well without sleep when I’m manic or hypomanic.

Does anyone have both and what were your symptoms like? Thanks in advance.

Hi everyone.

Trigger warning for sexual assault and suicidal ideation. Throwaway account. A little long; sorry.

Last spring, I had a series of what I now know were manic episodes. I was not diagnosed with bipolar at the time, and I didn't understand what was happening to me. I developed a drinking problem as a coping mechanism, and one night, during my mania and an alcoholic blackout, groped a woman on public transportation. I never thought for a second I would be capable of that.

I was promptly arrested and sent to jail. When I was released on bail, I was admitted to the psych ward for SI and diagnosed with bipolar II. I checked into a dual-diagnosis rehab for my alcoholism, and the diagnosis was confirmed. I began taking appropriate medication and was able to control the worst of the swings.

My legal case proceeded, and I was ultimately sentenced to a year in jail as a first-time offender. I was released in August of this year.

Prior to my arrest, I was an attorney in left-leaning circles, and my actions, which were covered in national media, caused many of my friends to abandon me. Most simply don't answer messages from me anymore. My wife is divorcing me.

My actions were horrible, and they're my greatest regret. I tried as best I could to apologize to my victim at sentencing, and am doing everything I can to make a living amends (participating in AA, working with doctors and therapists to address root causes, and just generally doing everything possible to never let this happen again). My victim has a lifetime restraining order against me, which I did not oppose, so I cannot do anything to make direct amends.

I feel isolated and alone, and like things will never get better. I'm medicated, have a roof over my head, and my family supports me. I know that's more than a lot of people have, but it doesn't feel like much. I feel like I'll never recover from this.

I'm attending daily AA meetings and have been sober since the incident, but I often feel isolated and like there's something missing from those rooms that my fellow alcoholics just don't "get" about me.

My question is, what have people done after their massive blow-ups? I feel like my entire life is over and there's nothing left for me.

I appreciate any advice. Please don't comment that I'm a monster and did a horrible thing. I know.

My husband and I are planning to start trying to get pregnant. My PCP, obgyn, and psych all agree I should remain on my current medication due to me being high risk for pre and post partum psychosis. I am pretty stable and have been on the same medication for over 10 years.

Did you have any unique struggles due to bipolar disorder? Or advice? My husband and I will obviously work very closely with all my doctors, but I would love if anyone could share their experience.

I know this topic has been brought up plenty of times. I ask because I'm trying to better understand my diagnosis. I was first diagnosed as bipolar 2 years ago.

In mania, no matter how long it lasts, I experience hypersexuality, from beginning to end. I have a higher sex drive, am more interested in sex, and am open to new sexual experiences and encounters. I particularly get interested in having a ons or hooking up with someone. I'm super-horny all the time when manic.

Yet, when I return to "normal," I'm not interested in sex at all, not with my partner, not with anyone.

I'm finding I have little interest in looking at porn and masturbating. When I do, I believe it's out of habit and not horniness.

Because when I'm "normal," I have zero sex drive. I do understand medication can be a factor and both meds I'm on decrease sex drive. I do wonder if together, they've essentially killed my sex drive completely.

Is it just the medication causing me to have a lack of sex drive when "normal?" Or is there something about bipolar disorder itself that causes low to zero sex drive? I am wanting to understand as I want to want to have sex. I want to be in the mood for my partner but unless I'm manic, I'm never in the mood. And I'm not sure how to get there without being manic.

TW: Mentions of psychosis

I've been diagnosed bipolar 1 for well over a decade, although my first hospitalization was initially diagnosed as cannabis-induced psychosis. For a long time I just kind of accepted the label, took my medications, and focused on staying stable.

I'm an engineer, which makes it a little funny that I spent years trying to manage my brain without getting particularly curious about how any of it actually works lol.

Lately I've been going down a neuroscience rabbit hole: dopamine, serotonin, glutamate, GABA, what different classes of psychiatric meds actually do, and how sleep, stress, and substances can throw things off. I've even been using mechanical analogies to make sense of it: acceleration, brakes, feedback loops, etc. Obviously it's a huge oversimplification, but it's helped me ask better questions.

Part of what sparked this was looking back at my episodes. A lot of them were terrifying and paranoid rather than euphoric. My first followed a dab, a ton of stress, and about three days without sleep. I've also had an episode with religious grandiosity. It's made me realize how much I still don't understand about experiences I've lived through.

Despite some pretty gnarly setbacks, I've managed to build a life I'm proud of. I joke that my brain's a jet engine. Pretty cool when it's running well, but maintenance is not optional lmao. I've spent years building systems and habits to help keep myself stable, and now I'm curious about the mechanisms behind all of it.

I'm working with my psychiatrist on finding a good balance between stability and quality of life. I'm not trying to outsmart treatment or figure out my personal neurotransmitter levels from a diagram. I just wish I'd gotten curious about the underlying science sooner.

Anyone else gotten really into this stuff? Did learning how your meds work or digging into the neuroscience actually change how you understand or manage bipolar? Or did it mostly give you a million more questions?

I used to the politest person ever but I feel like my entire personality has changed because of all the trauma and abuse I had to face when I was undiagnosed and constantly abused for my depressive episodes.

Now I have zero fucks left to give. At first I thought I was only rude when I was hypmanic but now that I am on medication I am realising it has become a part of my personality.