My only dream since I was in nursery was to work with children. I worked at a daycare and needed to fill out an extensive health declaration form and give permission for multiple people to look through all of my medical records and info on my illness from my gp and psychiatrist, and then have one of their therapists chat with me for an hour to ask all about the things in my notes and life. It took ofsted 9 months to get close to completing the form to say I'm fit to work with kids.

The place had to close after the owner got very unwell and I got an incredible offer at a nursery to work there and do an intense apprenticeship course to gain qualifications. The start date was only a week after the interview so I was immediately worried as I knew they'd need lots of checks. In the interview she kept telling me how good I am for the role and the way I interacted with the kids was amazing. She emphasised how important it is to always be happy and in a good mood around the kids which of course I know and always do. I was so excited for the role more than I've ever been for anything but after filling the basic health form they withdrew the offer.

Knowing they'd check my medical records and assuming they'd do the same thing as the daycare, I was as honest as possible and obviously told them about my bipolar disorder and adhd, but also mentioned I smoked cannabis once in 2024, which I was asked about in my previous job from ofsted since I spoke to my gp about it before. In the email to tell me they withdrew the offer it was due to my health declaration form and the mention of cannabis.

I feel like it's just because of my bipolar I was rejected. Everyone was so excited for me to start, even the hiring lady and suddenly I wasn't wanted anymore and they didn't think I could love and care for the children due to it. I'm heartbroken. The daycare I worked at closing was enough to put me in a deep depression as I miss the kids so much and this was the final heartbreak I could take.

I've decided not to try to work with kids anymore. The pain of having to explain all of my trauma and have my records read and analysed I just feel like a monster.
I get why they do it but it makes me hate myself and I can't do it again especially if I'll lose the children again. I wish I never got diagnosed. I don't think I'll ever be truly happy so what's the point in having this diagnosis and these meds.

I don't want to tell my doctor or psychiatrist anything about my bipolar ever again and I'm thinking to just not go back. I need work I have literally nothing. I feel like I can't do this much longer, I have no purpose and I bring nothing to this world or the people around me except for sadness, inconvenience, worry and pain. I'm sick of being a burden and of being seen as a scary monster.

I wish I could press a button and erase my existence so no one would be hurt by loss or guilt.
Im too weak for this life of being a burden to everyone around me. I need to find work but it's hard and I have nothing. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 28th but I don't know if I'll go. I just want to be normal I guess. Sorry for long pointless post

Hi everyone.

Trigger warning for sexual assault and suicidal ideation. Throwaway account. A little long; sorry.

Last spring, I had a series of what I now know were manic episodes. I was not diagnosed with bipolar at the time, and I didn't understand what was happening to me. I developed a drinking problem as a coping mechanism, and one night, during my mania and an alcoholic blackout, groped a woman on public transportation. I never thought for a second I would be capable of that.

I was promptly arrested and sent to jail. When I was released on bail, I was admitted to the psych ward for SI and diagnosed with bipolar II. I checked into a dual-diagnosis rehab for my alcoholism, and the diagnosis was confirmed. I began taking appropriate medication and was able to control the worst of the swings.

My legal case proceeded, and I was ultimately sentenced to a year in jail as a first-time offender. I was released in August of this year.

Prior to my arrest, I was an attorney in left-leaning circles, and my actions, which were covered in national media, caused many of my friends to abandon me. Most simply don't answer messages from me anymore. My wife is divorcing me.

My actions were horrible, and they're my greatest regret. I tried as best I could to apologize to my victim at sentencing, and am doing everything I can to make a living amends (participating in AA, working with doctors and therapists to address root causes, and just generally doing everything possible to never let this happen again). My victim has a lifetime restraining order against me, which I did not oppose, so I cannot do anything to make direct amends.

I feel isolated and alone, and like things will never get better. I'm medicated, have a roof over my head, and my family supports me. I know that's more than a lot of people have, but it doesn't feel like much. I feel like I'll never recover from this.

I'm attending daily AA meetings and have been sober since the incident, but I often feel isolated and like there's something missing from those rooms that my fellow alcoholics just don't "get" about me.

My question is, what have people done after their massive blow-ups? I feel like my entire life is over and there's nothing left for me.

I appreciate any advice. Please don't comment that I'm a monster and did a horrible thing. I know.

I got diagnosed and started meds around 3 years ago and the change is immense. For me, every time I had a manic episode I would want to change everything about myself and it led to me having a lot of confusion about my gender identity and sexuality. Like one time during probably the worst manic episode I ever had I decided to detransition and live as a woman again. It was the worst 2 months of my life. I obviously ended up going back on T and continuing my transition but wow it was bad. I look back and feel a lot of shame and embarrassment for all those "identity crises" I had while manic. Has anyone else ever experienced something like this? Maybe the reverse, like thinking you were trans while manic when you're not? I'm very happy in my transition now (5.5 years on T and post op) but i wonder if other people have experienced this type of thing as well.

I was diagnosed with bipolar II a few years ago. For a long time, I felt pretty grounded in who I was. I had a stable job, lived alone, stayed out of trouble (even though I had a few close calls), and accepted that there were going to be mental barriers I’d have to work around. I wasn’t trying to “beat” them — just live with them.

But over the summer I decided I was wasting time and needed to go back to school for my bachelor’s. I enrolled in two classes, and honestly? I have no idea what I want to do. I’m literally sitting in class right now wishing I could watch paint dry instead. I’m getting Bs, but I’m counting the days until it’s over so I can go back to my routine of work → gym → decompress → repeat.

Then there’s work. Someone I helped get into the field just got promoted. They were hired after me. I told people I wasn’t applying because I didn’t want the extra stress, but between school burnout and work burnout, I feel like I’m watching everyone else move forward while I’m stuck.

Two weeks ago I loved my apartment. Now I hate myself for not being able to buy a house alone.

Two weeks ago I had accepted the weight gain from my meds. Now I’m fighting the urge to starve myself just to get back into the size I wore last fall.

I just wish I cared about something enough to push through this rut. In my 20s I could work 12-hour days without blinking. I loved seeing my savings account grow but now I am getting offers for OT and you might as well ask me to climb Mount Everest in a bikini. I feel stuck, tired, and like I’m falling behind in every area of my life.

If anyone else with bipolar II has gone through this “everything was fine and now suddenly nothing feels fine” phase — how did you get through it?

If you completely burned your life down and blew it up to smithereens during a long manic episode, can I ask how exactly you started back on the path rebuilding? I was manic/mixed for a year and lost several jobs, my car, my apartment, and many friends. I am now 36 living with my parents and working 24 hrs a week. I have 10k in credit card debt and I’m not looking at my medical debt. I was immobilized with depression for most of this year but I take medication and am hoping to get therapy even though I have Medicaid now. Every day feels like defeat and I want to know how you rebuilt your life. I had everything I needed at one point, even owned a house, and now I have nothing. I don’t know where to begin.

I keep having these episodes where I’m so physically tired from the lack of sleep (consistently 4-6 hours tops) that I can sleep and need a nap after work but I’m so mentally energized that I feel like the sleep is unnecessary. I take my meds idk what else I can really do.

I know this topic has been brought up plenty of times. I ask because I'm trying to understandIn mania, no matter how long it lasts, I experience hypersexuality, from beginning to end. I have a higher sex drive, am more interested in sex, and am open to new sexual experiences and encounters. I particularly get interested in having a ons or hooking up with someone. I'm super-horny all the time when manic.

Yet, when I return to "normal," I'm not interested in sex at all, not with my partner, not with anyone.

I'm finding I have little interest in looking at porn and masturbating. When I do, I believe it's out of habit and not horniness.

Because when I'm "normal," I have zero sex drive. I do understand medication can be a factor and both meds I'm on (effexor and risperidone both decrease sex drive).

Is it just the medication causing me to have a lack of sex drive when "normal?" Or is there something about bipolar disorder itself that causes low to zero sex drive? I am wanting to understand as I want to want to have sex. I want to be in the mood for my partner but unless I'm manic, I'm never in the mood. And I'm not surw how to get there without being manic.

23M It feels like my brain has never been the same since that 4 month long depressive episode and 2 weeks medication induced hypomania. I don't know how to explain it, but now that I'm on my anti psychotic/mood stabilizer combo, I always feel at a 3/10 if 1 was severe depression and 10 was super manic.

I don't talk as much, my anxiety is less thank God. I also have ADHD. I've recently come out of anhedonia but I just don't feel all the way right. I also didn't start showing signs of bipolar until last year, but it was triggered by my estranged sister trauma dumping on me.

I guess my question is, how long did it take to feel as if your brain has fully recovered? I dont feel numb anymore, just "existing". If you're recently diagnosed and showed symptoms, have you made a recovery yet?

i am moving out for the very first time and i am really nervous because of my bipolar disorder. i am afraid that i will not be able to be stable enough to do it but i have to believe in myself. if you have any tips let me know!!!

I was manic from May till July and spent august and September in fetal position on the couch. I’m finally sitting up and moving again albeit slowly and I’m plagued with ruminating thoughts. I live with my sister currently and feel like a total loser compared to her. She has a successful job, a boyfriend, and friends while I have 3 friends, no job, am on disability, and do nothing with myself all day. I feel doomed by this disorder. Will it ever be possible for me to go back to school and hold a job or am I doomed to spend the rest of my life counting down the hours till bedtime? Is anyone here happy and at peace? Will I always feel like this?

Hey, first post here. My psychiatrist was under the assumption that I was possibly BPD, but apparently I am bipolar. Everything makes WAY more sense to me now, and I'm glad I can finally start understanding myself better. Has anyone else had this type of misdiagnosis? Does anyone have any advice for me?

Hello. For those of you with very long nonproductive and isolating gaps of unemployment and insanity, how do you explain this to others. I’ve had gaps last years and they’ve been hard. Better now. Just looking for guidance on how to talk about my life. It’s been so isolating and hard.

It has been an extremely rough time being productive for the last 2 months or so. I work about 30 hours a week(usually 5 days a week), and whenever I'm off I pretty much do nothing. I doom scroll reddit, read, and spend a lot of time sleeping. I don't have many friends and I'm going through a breakup. So often I struggle to do anything productive. Cleaning and self care had been especially difficult. My hobbies have been hard to enjoy or even start. So what helps you guys be productive and on the right track?

I was diagnosed about a year ago. I think my meds are sorted out and I’ve felt pretty stable, until recently. I thought once stable things are solid and good but im beginning to realize that’s not really the case. Over the last few weeks I’ve been off. Anxiety was bad. Felt nauseous for days but also like things were going great? & was on the go a lot but also a bit of guilt and questioning my happiness. I started waking at night but going back to sleep but it’s progressing to minimal sleeping. Now i feel tired and bleh and i keep crying for unknown reasons.

I just feel so off & kind of disappointed that I felt what stability was and now feeling like I lost it.

I’ve been depressed for over 13 months. I’ve been to in patient treatment twice. I’ve tried 8 different meds. Now I’m on new meds and I’m still struggling spending most of my time in bed. I’ve never had an episode go on this long. I feel like I’m losing touch with all my friends and as things go on I’m getting further and further away from regaining my life. A job, romantic relationships, friends, physically active, and just having peace of mind again. I’m so tired of suffering and being so isolated. I’m in treatment, my treatment team is good, I’m just desperate to get better. I just keep telling myself I need to survive and that’s enough right now.

The other night I all of a sudden started hearing a lower frequency humming. It’s not the tinnitus that I m used to. It scared me, I was afraid to be alone when my husband wanted to go to another room because I woke him up.

I’m aware this could be due to my bipolar 1. But I googled if there was a humming noise in the area that night and found all sorts of information of people hearing humming noises.
How do I know?

I am looking forward some insight or advice from others who experience this.

I work full time on the weekends and I have been with this job for two months. So far I have called out 6 times due to mental health.

What I am experiencing is when I wake up for work, I instantly can tell if I am going to be able to handle working that day or not. On the bad days I feel so, so weak like opening the door takes a large amount of physical and mental energy. My thoughts feel jumbled and compressed and like they are melting in my brain. I can’t focus on anything and communicating with people just sends me down a a cry fest that I can’t control. When I do stay home, I’m completely numb and empty, I feel like a weighted blanket and my thought process is so hazy and foggy I can’t do basic chores.

This had been a consistent repetition since my diagnosis and mainly happens when work is involved. In talking with my therapist, we came to the conclusion that work is a major stress factor and trigger for my mental health.

I am looking to see if anyone else experienced this, if I’m possibly triggering a depressive episode or something else. I have tried anxiety meds after my doctor suggested it could be an related but that has done nothing but make me drowsy.

Thank you!

Hi, I have been recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and my habits of not being able to sustain a job and constantly dropping out of college/ changing degrees now makes sense so I’m trying to do everything I can to have the most stable life I can. I’m looking for ideas of jobs I can have, I’m trying to get into video editing because I need independence and working from home and I thought it would be a good idea. If you have a stable job that you were able to sustain over the years, what do you do?
I’m looking for ideas, thank you :)

I (38F) gave up custody of my son (10) to his father during a hyper manic episode . I don’t know what I said to my family during that time, but they have not talked to me in six months. I tried to explain to them about my illness, but they take it as a personal fault of my own. I saw my son briefly this weekend and have been a hot mess ever since. I am so sad and miss him so much. His dad has forgiven me for my harsh words but I live everyday with so much regret it’s practically unbearable. I don’t know if I can’t make this situation any better. I royally screwed up. I wish I could forgive myself, but I don’t know how.

Share your stories of what you are tired about doing. This thing takes a lot and doesn’t leave a lot in the tank. What are you tired of doing or being or whatever.

I do the things I need to. I wake up, take my meds, drive to my super stressful job, drive back with loads of traffic. I feel the life draining from behind my eyes.

I lost it all. Previous awesome job, marriage to the love of my life, my friends, insane amount of money, house, and now I’m in the boring, gut it out phase.

The phase where I now know I’m bipolar and I clock in and clock out. I’m exhausted from keeping it all together, but I have to. I am just tired from existing but this is life.

My ex wife isn’t coming back, I hope I get a job hopefully in my future like the one I had previous. I hope I meet a girl like my ex wife. I hope I can rebuild my finances into what I once had. So far, it’s a lot of hope and all I do is look up the hill and it seems daunting.

I’m reading this book and the title is the best title I’ve heard.

Life is a lazy Susan of shit sandwiches.

And I get it. Every day is a new type of struggle, there aren’t times of just bliss where everything is amazing. Not with this illness.

After 6 years I finally made it, I’m graduating with my B.A. in Psych this December. These past few years have been tough, going through episode after episode, failing classes due to depression, change of meds, hypomania impulsivity, overall due to bipolar. I finally made it.

I've posted already earlier sorry sorry I just was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to stop thinking something is a Sign for oneself. Or that sort of thing. It's beginning to scare me cause they're also advising me to do things. Not seriously yet at all and I'm super good at ignoring commands bc I've had them for ages, I just don't like it. It's just the kinda vague you should take all those pills or you should drink that, not genuinely serious like compelling me or anything just it's beginning to not be me thinking that stuff again. I've been there before but I wasn't medicated then. It's still very ignorable but the possibility of it getting worse is kind of stressful. I know taking all those pills/drinking that, as in the examples, won't hurt me, I've known that for a while, but I still don't want to do those things adn it's stressing me out. I know I'm just getting anxious over what is practically not much at all, but it's kind of weird how my brain has just ... shifted in the last week or two? The Signs thing, it's not loads of times it's just happened a few times. It's weird how it's become the first thought even though I don't know what they're signs of or anything, they're just... I dunno, the world is filled with things for me to interpret.

Again though I know perfectly well that I'm overreacting and stressing over stuff that is functionally very little, it's just reminding me of times that were horrible. If I hadn't had that in the past I wouldn't eb scared as I am now with the tiny things.

So please help me :) thanks. I can elaborate more in commetns etc. and I've been around the place for a bit sorry. A few times you know. Thanks in advance!

I have made an appointment with my primary care doctor for the first thing in the morning, I have reached out to my psychiatrist letting her know that I am experiencing escalating symptoms and I'm waiting out until morning because I can't sleep. I already tried my anti-anxiety medication and it isn't slowing the thoughts down. I need some support to help me get to morning right now. I have my kitten with me and she's helping some but I'm struggling. Just to be clear I'm not thinking about hurting myself but I want the racing thoughts to stop and I desperately want to sleep but I can't.

I keep facing the same challenge, not being able to keep up with work. I experienced psychosis about 4 or 5 years ago for the first time after first getting on anti depressants. I went through a whole thing and ended up quitting my job that I loved and was good at after 8 years there. Since experiencing psychosis and the major mood shifts I had that year, I haven't been the same.

I was never incredibly smart, but I feel so deficient compared to other people and even who I used to be. Its become such an issue with work. Ive have 2 jobs in the last few years and I never seem able to do them well. I'm told how nice and friendly I am but that its not enough. I agree with them, I dont want to suck at my jobs. I dont want to be a drain on people and such a waste of space. I dont know how to change things.

Ive started medication again after a few years of not having insurance. But it doesn't feel like enough. I keep looking for jobs that require less of me, but it still doesn't seem to help. Im making less and less money and relying more on my husband. I feel so guilty for not being capable of more. Im so embarrassed and ashamed.

Now I'm in a situation where I was told I have 2 weeks to prove i can get everything done or I'll be let go. The stress and the pressure is so much that I know I cant. I'm the starting the second week and im dreading being there so much. I cant quit without something else lined up. But this feels terrible.

I dont know if I'm looking for advice, it feels too late to change anything. I just dont know how I will get through this week.