Pumpkin

The mechanic says, “It’ll take me a while to look at it.” The penguin goes across the road for an ice cream. When he comes back, the mechanic says, “Looks like you’ve blown a seal.” The penguin wipes his mouth and says, “Nah, it’s just ice cream.”

One day the four women go to the complex’s outdoor pool, where the find a man sunbathing in a lounge chair. He’s completely naked, except for a paper bag over his head.

“Who are you?” asks the first woman. The man doesn’t answer. The woman then turns to her friends and says, “I don’t know who this guy is, but at least I know he isn’t my husband!”

The second woman takes a very close look at the man, then turns to the first woman and says, “I didn’t believe you at first, but you’re right. He isn’t your husband.”

The third woman takes an even closer look at the man, then turns to the other three and says, “He isn’t any of our husbands.”

The fourth woman takes a very, very close look, then turns to the other three and says, “He doesn’t even live in this complex.”

He's sitting on the front porch and sees a man walk by with a full wheelbarrow. He later sees the guy walk back with the wheelbarrow empty. A bit later the guy walks by with the wheelbarrow full again.

Jack yells out to him "what's in the wheelbarrow?" The other guy replies "it's sheep manure." Jack asks what he's going to do with it. The guy replies "I sprinkle it on my raspberries." Jack yells back "you should come back here for dessert instead. We put whipped cream on ours."

Life’s all about trade-offs…
1. At work, you trade your time, skills, and sanity for money, which you then spend trying to recover from work.
2. With women, you trade your peace of mind for a warm place to put your dick, then spend the rest of your time wondering if the heating bill was worth it.
3. In marriage, you trade sexual variety for emotional stability, only to discover neither was guaranteed in the contract.
4. With kids, you trade sleep, money, freedom, and your last remaining nerve for someone who looks exactly like you but thinks you’re a fucking idiot.
5. At the gym, you trade physical pain for looking better naked, only to realize the people you want to see you naked generally prefer the lights off.
6. With alcohol, you trade tomorrow’s happiness for tonight’s confidence, usually resulting in an apology text and a bank transaction you don’t recognize.
7. With dating apps, you trade your dignity for the opportunity to be ignored by someone who describes their personality as “fluent in sarcasm.”
8. With homeownership, you trade rent payments for a mortgage, property taxes, and the privilege of personally financing everything that breaks.
9. With pets, you trade disposable income and clean furniture for unconditional love from something that occasionally eats its own shit.
10. With getting older, you trade youthful stupidity for wisdom, only to discover your back goes out more often than you do.
11. With friendships, you trade your free time for loyalty, laughter, and the occasional opportunity to help someone move a couch they should’ve thrown the fuck away.
12. With retirement, you trade 40 years of your life for the freedom to finally do whatever you want, provided your knees, prostate, and cardiovascular system approve the itinerary.

A great time ruined by a period

It's like a 69 except I owe you one.

“I’m 85, and my girlfriend is 25. We’re getting married, and she’s pregnant.” The doctor says, “Let me tell you a story. A friend of mine went hunting, grabbed his umbrella instead of his rifle, and came face-to-face with a bear. He pointed the umbrella at it, pulled the trigger, and the bear dropped dead.” The old man says, “That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the bear!” The doctor smiles and says, “Exactly.”

Special KKK

A mind-blowing idea for family game night.

Back when I was a kid, we could throw down for a few minutes before anyone got hurt.

Nowadays, these kids are down after like one of my punches.

The boy says "Dad! Dad! That lady's butt is so big you could live in it!"

The dad says "Oh, no, son. You wouldn't want to live there. It's a real shit hole."

It’s not my fault I look better in them than her.

I'm not spreading and eating jelly on my bed later.

Because you are getting turned on by a man hand!

We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra.

My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard.

So I felt her boobs.

There's a fish under the surface, trailing him. The fish wants to eat the fly, but the fly's too high up. The fish knows that if the fly lowers its altitude--probably half a foot or so--he'll be able to jump out and snap him up.

There's a bear on the shore, watching the fish. The bear wants fish for dinner, but the fish keeps darting around, following the fly. The bear's waiting for the fish to jump out of the water so he can grab him.

Across the stream, about a hundred yards down, a hunter has the bear in his scope. The bear's standing behind a thicket of dense shrubs, and the hunter can't get a clear shot. What would really help would be if the bear would lunge out from behind the shrubs to grab the fish.

The hunter brought his cat with him. The cat's been eyeing the hunter's sandwich all day. It's been a slow day hunting, though, and his owner has kept his sandwich in close reach. The cat's been waiting for the hunter to shift his attention so he can nab the sandwich.

Sure enough, the fly finally drops down that half foot.

The fish jumps out of the water, eats the fly. The bear plunges out from the shrubs and grabs the fish mid-air. The hunter aims at the bear's torso and fires three rapid shots. The bear drops. But instead of grabbing the hunter's sandwich, the cat gets startled by the gunshots and falls into the river.

The moral of the story is: When the fly goes down six inches, the pussy gets wet.

I don't know. I've never checked!

He said, “I can feel it coming in the heir tonight.”

... but surely 1 man in 1 other man is also pretty gay?

Long Dong Silver

you gotta dialogue