He figures the best place to start is the Confessional. He hasn't been in over 30 years and it’s nothing like he remembers.

He recognizes the little window, but rather than the low bench for kneeling, there is a recliner with massage function. Next to the recliner is a small table with glass decanter of some sort of whisky and a box of cigars.

Suddenly, a priest walks into the room behind him. He turns to face the priest and says, "This is nothing like I remember it."

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE!”

I'm trying asbestos I can.

Sorry I meant "pedantic".

For example, if they're behind her ears, she likes you.

They’re calling it an iPatch

I’ve never paid $100 to have a garbanzo on my chest.

One says to the other, "What if eggs could talk?"

The other egg doesn't say anything, because eggs can't talk.

Three nuns die in a car crash. when they get to heaven Peter meets them at the gate and says welcome to heaven! now while you were alive you each took a vow never to touch a man but to each broke it in a different way so you'll have to wash the part of your body that touched a man in this fountain. turning to the first nun ahead said you'll have to wash your hands. To the second nun he said "you'll have to wash your feet. Then he turned to the third nun and she says can I go first since I'm going to have to gargle with it.

A dad walks into his teenage son's room. He says to his son, "your mom tells me you've been caught several times playing with yourself. Just so you know, if you do it too often you can go blind!" After a bit of a pause the son standing behind him says, "Dad I'm over here" .

Now I have to watch two unskippable ads before every dream.

Papal

Because I put on the wrong socks today.

he doesn’t wake up until 8:30”

poop

​

Lol

Princess Fiona’s coochie

An undercover cop called at my farm in the sticks yesterday evening.

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!” he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever I want. Have I made myself clear?!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and the officer seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and ran for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge! Show him your badge!”

now I’m banned from Instagram

A man goes to the doctor with an unusual issue.

"Doc, listen to my thigh!"

The doc, thinking it's a weird request, does as requested.

What he hears is a voice say, "Please loan me $20."

The doc is perplexed.

The guy says, "My knee too! Listen to my knee!"

Again, the doc honors the request.

This time he hears "All I need is $10!"

The man continues, "It doesn't stop there. My ankle talks too!"

The doc takes a listen and sure enough a voice says, "$5. If you could just give me $5!"

The doc starts thumbing through medical journals and papers, but finds nothing.

Finally, he tells the man, "I can't find any such issue in any medical journals or papers, but I can hazard a guess."

The man, desperate to know what it could be, says "Well, what do you think it is?"

The doc says, "Based off my own medical knowledge and life experience, I'd say your leg is broke in three places!"

Na….amaste

The doctor examined the wife's husband thoroughly before he turned to her and said, "I'm sorry, I don't like the look of your husband."

"Neither do I," she replied, "But at least he's useful around the house."

"Yes officer, what is it?"

"I'm afraid there's been terrible incident at Bondi Beach, and we'd like you to come with us to formally identify your half-brother Frank."

"My ha...? You mean my brother Frank?"

"Nah mate, the sharks got him."

A friend was going through my DVD collection and noticed I had two copies of Up.
He goes, “Dude, can I have one of these?”
“No.”
Then he spots my copy of Quigley Down Under.
“Seriously? This movie is terrible. Can I have it?”
“No.”
“Well, can I at least borrow it?”
Finally, I had to tell him:
“Dude, I’m never gonna give you Up. Never gonna lend you Down.”

and lost my job with Pepsi