So for context, this relative is on my dad’s side, of which is really sparse, we aren’t even close to immediate family, but we are the closest and only family she has, as she never married or had kids. She’s a retired librarian, and quite the eccentric type. And as far as we knew my dad and aunt were supposed to be her executives.

Last year she wrote us a letter after she got back from a trip to Finland, and told us not to worry but she had gotten lost while there, and was taken to a psychiatric hospital because of confusion. But she didn’t ever say anything else about it. Up until then are unaware of any signs of dementia or anything else.

Since then, we’ve been unable to get a hold of her, she doesn’t have internet or a cell phone, just a land line, and email when at the library.
(My Aunt lives 45min away, and frankly in retrospect, pretty angry didn’t ever think to drive over to check on her.)

Enter, creepy ass letter… like WTAF?!

Or are we just over reacting?

Will continue in comments with “updates” as they came to us. Because there’s a lot, and I don’t want to just write one long wall of text. Easier to break it down into chunks.

This did all transpire in the last two weeks, from receiving Peter’s letter, to the final “update” below.

Update: 1

Whoa whoa whoa everyone!!!!!!!! Really didn’t expect the comments to go this way jeez!

Let’s call this elderly relative Rose, she is my dad’s cousin.

Me and my immediate family live states away from Rose. My dad’s sister lives 45min from Rose, that’s why in my post I mentioned being angry at my aunt. And apparently at one point my aunt had told my dad she had checked in on Rose.

There was about 6ish months we couldn’t get a hold of her. And besides the wierd letter after her return home from finnland (which I actually tried to get everyone more concerned about then they were) Before that we only ever had communication a couple times a year, she was eccentric and a bit of a hermit.

Update 2

Okay just so we are clear about one thing, my family had no interest in personal gain from this financially, we don’t need her money not that she had a lot, she did have several charities she wanted to give to. The only thing physically we have interest in is her life long passion project of working on our family genealogy.

Secondly, while we were not in frequent communication with her, we were on good terms. In fact she’d stayed at our house with in the last two years. (And was as far as we could tell in complete health) and the author of the letter, let’s call him, Peter (20 years younger than Rose btw)…no mention of him. (At least not by name, but we later find out she had mentioned him, they dated but she was trying to get rid of him because he was a jerk, she never gave more details than this.)

Okay, now for comparing the letter to actual preliminary facts we know, without even needing to verify…

She had previously given directives to my Dad and aunt for a funeral.

She was a journalist back in the 70s, but there’s no reason why that would have any effect on any kind of proceedings today.

My dad never went to Africa, Rose knew this. Also never worked with doctors without boarders but rather other local/independent orgs in the countries he did go to, things Rose also knew.

Okay update 3

So obviously after receiving this letter we went into detective mode. (Although my sister and I insisted on alerting authorities right away) my Dad and aunt decided to ask around first to try and get some more info and confirm her death.

Firstly my Aunt called the church Rose attended, the confirmed a few things, but their answers were a bit vague like they were holding things back.

But they did confirm they believed she’d passed. And that Peter had been living with her, but their knowledge of him only extended back at most three years.

She had mentioned the Finland trip, and she had actually checked herself into a memory care facility upon her return, where she spent a few months before returning home.

At this point we enlisted a family friend who’s a lawyer, as well as contacting her at least former lawyer in MN.

No official filling of change of Will exists before 6 months ago.

There was one change made, in Peter’s favor with Rose’s “signature” dated… three days after she left for Finland

Prior for that Peter also obtained something called a Transfer deed upon death TOD, which infamously used in elder abuse fraud.

Update 4

Soon after we received the letter my dad flew out there.

He and my aunt attended her church, and upon introducing themselves the pastor looked at them with bulging eyes, and said “we need to talk”

After the service they met.
They said Peter had started driving Rose to church about a year ago, around the same time she had started behaving a bit paranoid. They also had done some digging on Peter, he was a former police officer, he got kicked out after stalking and threatening his ex wife at gun point.

Also shortly after starting to drive Rose to church, he wrote an erratic five page application to be a member at the church, upon which when rejected she showed up threatening them with a gun. They then filed a restraining order, hired security arranged other transport for Rose.

Also Rose had pledged money to the church for a new building campaign, but then came in the next week apologizing in a paranoid manner that she no longer could. Also there have been a handful of similar charities that have been in touch that mentioned the same.

They also said they were bewildered about the whole no funeral or obituary. And they only found out about her death because of a nosey neighbor.

They also mentioned that the only recent job history Peter has had is work in nursing homes, and his sister currently lives in a house formerly owned by someone that was in his care…

Also in doing more legal digging, during Rose’s trip in Finnland, Peter filed dozens of probate documents with the court.

It’s like there’s something new at every turn, and it’s all a mess. My dad was planning flying back over there when everything goes to probate court, oh and there’s a one officer unit up there that works these kind of cases that now handling things as well, but oufffff!

I’m sure I’m still missing details, will add as I remember them.

Oh also who puts a pun on a grave stone?! A misspelled one at that?

Update 5

Not going to engage much beyond this unless I get actual updates.

You all don’t know what you don’t know, and yes obviously my family, in retrospect could have handled things different. I also knew very little about any of it till after they already got Peter’s letter, and like I mentioned before you, I was concerned post Finland but no one took me seriously.

We maybe didn’t have much contact with her but we did, like I said we’d both visited her in person and had her out to visit us a few times in the 5 years Peter claims to have been her care taker.

Truly crazy how judgmental and cruel you all can be, glossing over certain things, just attack me and my family. (Through please by all means my Aunt does deserve it, story for another day would be the scene she made at my sister’s wedding.)

We are extremely sad at the prospect of how she was taken advantage of. How little my Aunt cared to check on her despite being so close (and retired)

We are sad to have had the opportunity to grieve and have a funeral, taken away.

Also I don’t know if I remembered to mentioned, her house has already been sold and cleared out, meaning anything of sentimental value, gone. Including all her genealogy work, and any other library projects she’d been working on.

She was a fascinating though odd lady. Most interesting to talk to. Picked up degrees like they were merit badges, extremely smart, but would never know it if you met her on the street, you might have mistaken her for a bag lady.

Update: 6

Cause I realize I never actually clarified this, there is no record of actually being diagnosed with anything, she was discharged from the memory care place she went to when she got back from Finland. No one except Peter is claiming or knew anything of her supposed late stage dementia, the church noted a change, but according to them matched more with paranoia of an abused person rather than someone with dementia. (Also quite frankly upset they didn’t try to contact us either)

Posted this elsewhere before posting here now.

(Throwaway just incase) (advice flair because I will take some but mostly just needed to vent)

Sorry in advanced for the ramble/wall of text. Im kind of going through it right now.

So let me start by saying I love my wife and am very happy being with her. (Currently both 30)
About two years ago my wife (then girlfriend) and I were at a party, we had been together for three years at this point and I had an engagement ring purchased and had plans to purpose. While we were standing in the kitchen we overheard someone across the kitchen say" and that was the best sex of my life" which made us turn our heads. At this point I had had a few drinks and felt like being flirty so I looked at my girlfriend, gave her a smirk and said "am I the best you ever had?" to which she almost immediately just said "babe...i love you." While looking at me with a kind of blank kind of disappointed look.

I was shocked. I couldnt believe what I was hearing so I kind of did a "..what? are you serious?" to which she said "he just choked me til I almost passed out." At this point Im trying not to have a full on breakdown in this persons kitchen in front of several of our friends.

This hurt so badly because as I said there was almost no hesitation which to me made it seem like as soon as she heard the girl say "that was the best.." she was already thinking about it. Again at this point we had been together THREE years and have had lost of crazy, passionate sex. Gotten to know each others bodys and preferences. And she still immediately thought of this other guy.

I spent the night internally freaking out and drinking way more than I should have. The next day I tried to talk to her about it but I couldnt handle it emotionally. For some reason at this point she decided to tell me more details like how "he was going through a divorce so he was older and more experienced and stronger." I feel like I can literally see this happening and it breaks my heart.

She then told me how toxic of a "relationship" (not officially a couple) it was and how he "dumped" her on Valentines day. Which caused her to be so upset that I know (because she told me) she went and hooked up with another random guy. This was ALL before we were together so no cheating was involved. But thinking of how good she thought this guy was and how devastated she was by him leaving that she felt the need to hook up with a rando.

Since then she tried explaining it like "different stores can have different of the 'the best chocolate'" but I explained how that didnt mean anything to me when she so quickly thought of that other guy. And most recently when we talked about it (about a week ago) she said "I wish we never had that conversation. I should have never told you that. It shouldnt have been asked" to which I said "Yeah I wasnt *really* asking I was flirting with you. If I had thought for a single second that there was any chance of you saying no I wouldnt have asked."

After that night I quit vaping and started working out several times a week, but as far as I know she still thinks this other guy was better than me, and at this point even if she were to say I was the best Idk if I would even believe her. I feel like its messing with my idea of having sex with my now wife.

This conversation has haunted me for two years. I can go awhile without thinking about it but it occasionally creeps back into my mind and I spiral and feel so much anxiety and so much insecurity. This all happened before me so again no cheating happened but when I think about it it almost feels like I've been cheated on or broken up with. Our relationship is great. We dont have any major issues or fights, this just continues to haunt me.

Since then every few months I'll randomly have this conversation pop into my head as an intrusive thought and its like I can see it happening. Its hard to talk to her about this because how do I without just sounding like Im jealous? Which I mean I am but I also feel hurt by how quickly she answered especially after we had been together as long as we had been when this happened.

Theres a lot Im sure I left out because its hard to type it all out. My brain is spiraling and so I know I was rambling but I do remember many many of the details relating to this so if anyone needs clarification Ill try to reply when I can

edit: our relationship is great and secure in every other way I just have this in my head. It doesnt cause arguments between us nor does she belittle me. I get hung up on it and then I might be moody for a while and she can pick up on that

edit:L people flaming me in the comments about an update. I reposted so that when I finish formulating an update people will have a fresh reference. This has been the worst year of my life and its taking me a while to write something out.

My (32 f) husband (35 m) called me a failure and a loser.

I have been unemployed for 3 years, the first year my husband’s business was doing very well and I was working on it 20-40 hours a week. The last two years have been different, though. I still help, but it’s more sporadic.

This past year I have been actively looking for a job, but haven’t had any luck. Finances aren’t good and we decided that any purchases over $100 need to be decided on together. Since deciding that, my husband has broken the agreement several times, each time we have fought and repaired.

Recently, he broke the agreement again. He decided he needed something for his business and bought it without discussing it with me.

I asked him to return the thing since it broke our agreement but he won’t. I’ve brought it up several times, along with all of the broken promises, and he just gets stubborn. I don’t care if it’s for his business, we’re supposed to be making financial decisions together. We’re in debt, and he had promised.

This morning, I brought it up again and he lost it on me. He called me a loser and a failure.

I had only recently begun to open up to him about how I feel about being rejected by so many jobs, sharing how I feel like a failure.

We were talking about how he broke the promise and I need him to return the thing. He jumped up and raised his voice, shouting that I’m a loser and a failure and I need to get a job.

I just went quiet. I don’t even remember what all he said, I went a hundred miles away in my head.

I know he was attacking me because he felt attacked, but he crossed a line.

He apologized immediately, but I told him to go away. He went to the office to play video games.

I don’t know what to do. I feel numb. I can’t feel anything other than my heart in my chest and the shaking in my hands.

I’ve been in a downward spiral for years, since a major illness. I’ve made huge strides this year, in spite of losing two grandparents and moving in with my parents short-term for caretaking. I’ve had so many interviews and sent out so many apps, even though I was scared and felt inadequate.

How am I supposed to trust him again if he doesn’t keep his word? Where do I go from here?

The way he spoke to me was beyond not ok. An apology does not begin to repair the damage he just did. I just really need advice.

I hope that was coherent. I’ve never posted a personal problem on the internet before (and feel odd about sharing too many details) but I’ve also never been at such a loss before. Please be gentle with me, I feel shattered.

About three weeks ago, my younger sister and I met two sisters at a music event. We had a great conversation and agreed to attend future events together as a group of four.

When we first met, I asked the woman I'm interested in for her Instagram, but she said, "I already gave it to your sister. We can keep in touch through her." I didn't push it any further.

On October 24, we met for the second time. During the event, a drunk guy started harassing her and verbally insulting her. At her request, I called security. Things escalated, the police arrived, and I helped deal with the situation. She thanked me afterward.

A little later, another guy approached her, asked how she was doing, and talked to her for a few minutes. I initially thought he might be her boyfriend, but I didn't ask any questions or react.

What I found interesting was that shortly afterward, she came up to me on her own and explained, "He's just my friend. I told him what happened, so he came over. He actually thought you were the guy who was harassing us."

Later, I found out from my sister that earlier that same evening, before any of this happened, she had mentioned that she was talking to someone romantically.

Why would she feel the need to explain who that guy was when I hadn't even asked?

How would you interpret her behavior? Am I reading too much into the actions of someone I've only met twice?

I (F24) currently live with my parents. I have an older sister (F28) and a younger brother (15M) who’s ten years younger than me. I work from home, and I’m also trying to build a future for myself through PhD applications.
I had a big fight with my mother today, and I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve spent years trying to understand my parents, justify their behaviour, and find reasons to love them despite everything. But I’m reaching a point where I feel emotionally empty.
My parents have had a very troubled marriage for as long as I can remember. My sister and I grew up witnessing their fights, arguments, and domestic violence. My father physically and mentally abused my mother, and there were times when she was violent towards him, too. There were also problems with extended family members on both sides. Our childhood was filled with conflict, and we were constantly caught in the middle.
I acknowledge that my father provided us with everything we needed financially, and often more. I’m not denying the sacrifices my parents made for us. But I don’t understand why that means we’re not allowed to acknowledge the emotional damage we experienced.
Whenever we tell our parents we’re unhappy or explain that something they’ve done has hurt us, they immediately ask what more they could possibly have done. They remind us that they’ve provided everything, that nobody does as much for their children, and that we should be grateful.
But providing for your children doesn’t erase everything else.
Some of the things that happened during my childhood still affect me today.
When I was very young, my mother burned my hand because I couldn’t spell my father’s full name. On another occasion, my parents pushed me down the stairs because I was late for school. My mother once threw my tiffin box at me from our apartment balcony in anger. There were other incidents of physical punishment, verbal abuse, and humiliation.
I was also constantly compared with my sister because I didn’t get as good grades. I grew up feeling like I had to work harder, behave better, and prove myself just to be good enough.
Another thing that affected me was being dragged into my parents’ marital problems. When I was away studying, they would call me separately and spend hours complaining about each other. This happened even during my first year of college. After telling me everything that was wrong with their marriage, they would end the conversation by telling me not to worry about home and to focus on my studies.
I was a student. I was their child. I shouldn’t have had to carry the emotional weight of their relationship while trying to build my own future.
Even now, remembering some of the fights I witnessed makes my hands shake and my heart race. Sometimes I experience what feel like panic attacks. Yet when we try to talk about what happened, our experiences are dismissed or minimised.
Over the years, I’ve become increasingly withdrawn. It’s difficult for me to communicate with my parents, and sometimes I don’t want to talk to anyone at all. I feel that my childhood has affected my confidence, my friendships, my relationships, and the way I see myself.
What’s particularly difficult is that things haven’t improved now that we’re adults.
Since I returned home after completing my degree, my mother has regularly insulted me and my sister. If we disagree with her or don’t behave the way she expects, she questions our character and says deeply hurtful things about us.
My parents portray themselves as modern and progressive in front of society. My mother talks about how people appreciate her daughters and how well we’ve been raised. But behind closed doors, the things she says about us are completely different.
Today, she was making horrible comments about my sister’s weight and appearance. She said my sister looked disgusting and compared her body to that of someone who had given birth to two children. She also made comments about my sister’s character.
My sister has been through so much, and hearing our own mother speak about her that way makes me furious. My sister doesn’t want to rush into marriage, and given what we’ve witnessed throughout our childhood, I can understand why she might have reservations. But my parents continue to pressure her and treat her choices as a personal offence.
My brother, who’s ten years younger than me, also frequently disrespects me. I’ve always tried to help him with his studies and support him emotionally. I want him to have a better experience growing up than my sister and I did.
But when I was struggling to find a job after graduation, applying to dozens of positions and crying because I couldn’t get one, he told me during an argument, “At least I’m not unemployed.”
He knew how hard I was trying. That comment hurt me deeply.
I understand that he’s younger, but I can’t keep excusing behaviour that makes me feel worthless. I try to be there for everyone in my family, but I often feel that nobody considers how I’m doing.
My mother also constantly criticises my weight, hair, and appearance. She lectures me about wearing traditional clothes, bangles, and a bindi. I don’t have a problem with these things when they’re my own choices, but I resent being forced to comply. When I don’t, she sometimes questions my religious identity.
My father is deeply religious, yet his behaviour towards my mother and his children has caused us considerable pain. I struggle to understand how religious observance and family values can be emphasised so strongly while the emotional well-being of the people in the family is dismissed.
I feel like the rules only apply when they benefit my parents. If we agree with them, we’re good daughters. If we disagree, we’re ungrateful, disrespectful, or accused of having bad character.
The hardest part is that I still love my family. But I don’t like how they treat me, and I’m struggling with the guilt of admitting that.
I spent years believing parents couldn’t really be bad people and that children simply needed to understand them better. Reading other people’s experiences has helped me recognise that parents can hurt their children, too, and that providing for them doesn’t automatically make every other aspect of parenting healthy.
I’m trying to pursue a fully funded PhD and build an independent life. More than anything, I want to leave this environment and have a chance to live peacefully. I don’t want every conversation to become an argument or every disagreement to turn into an attack on my character.
I don’t know whether my parents will ever acknowledge what happened. I don’t know whether our relationships can improve. I’m exhausted from trying to explain myself to people who don’t seem willing to hear me.
For those who grew up in similar households, how did you cope with the realisation that your childhood wasn’t healthy? How did you establish boundaries with your parents, particularly when you still lived with them? And how did you begin building a life of your own without carrying all that hurt into your future?
I’m not looking for someone to tell me that my parents did absolutely nothing for us. I know they provided for us materially. I’m trying to understand how to acknowledge that while also being honest about the things that hurt us.
I want to stop feeling guilty for wanting peace. I want to build a life where I can feel safe, respected, and comfortable being myself.

I’m 36F. My greatest fantasy is to get married, have a beautiful wedding with my dream guy, have babies with him, and live happily ever after.

But when I think about my upbringing, I hesitate. I was raised by an angry, exhausted mother who struggled with depression and OCD. Although I know her struggles weren’t her fault, I’m afraid of ending up in the same situation.

My father was present and involved, and from the outside, we looked like the perfect family. But you know that saying about how the mood of the entire house depends on the mother’s mood that day? That pretty much sums up my childhood.

I was rebellious during my teenage years. When I moved to another city to pursue law school, the distance somehow made us miss each other. But within five minutes of being together again, we’d go right back to being terrible to each other, mainly because I’d become hyperaware of her narcissistic behavior.

In my 30s, I began to understand my mother better, especially when she and my dad separated for a while. She opened up about the secrets she’d carried throughout decades of marriage. For the first time in what felt like forever, we became close. I even offered to let her live in the new house I’d bought.

By then, I’d been single for a while and had started embracing life on my own because, honestly, it’s more fun this way. I can buy myself the things I want. I travel solo a lot. I earn my own money and live in a way that protects my peace of mind.

Now that I’m nearing 40, though, I find myself fantasizing about getting married. Not even dating. Just straight to the wedding!

I’ve bookmarked so many wedding dresses on Instagram, carefully choosing the ones that would flatter my current body, as if I’m getting married anytime soon. I’ve planned the whole ceremony and reception in my head. The craziest part? I’ve already picked out baby names: Avia, Inez, Selena, and Eddie. Having twins or triplets would be a dream, too. In that version of my life, everything feels complete.

I’ve really fallen down this rabbit hole, and my mother tells me this is the ideal life for me. To her, being “stable” means having a family of my own. Going away for weeks to travel doesn’t count as stability. She’d love to see me settled down, with enough money that I’d never have to worry about it.

I honestly understand her concern. But what keeps me from pursuing that life is the little girl in me who grew up with a mother who was so often angry, exhausted, and unhappy. I’m afraid of becoming that mother to my own children.

And I think part of why my mother struggled was that, in her early 20s, she gave up the life she could have had to pursue the “ideal” one: becoming a wife and mother.

I honestly do want to become a wife and mother. But I’m afraid that pursuing that dream could mean giving up this beautiful life, all its possibilities, and the peace of mind I have now.

How do you tell the difference between a life you truly want and a life you’ve been taught to want? And how do you make room for that dream without losing yourself in the process?

Originally posted elsewhere but it got removed.

A little backstory, my friends and I are on the way to Universal and Disneyland for Halloween Horror Nights and Oogie Boogie Bash. There’s kind of a big group of us so we split into two cars.

Earlier before we left, we were discussing where to stop for dinner and someone mentioned the McDonalds halloween buckets, which are Disney Villain themed, and we were like that’s perfect we all have to go. Our two cars ended up leaving at different times so we went to different locations but we all got buckets. I’m Disneybounding as Aurora from Sleeping Beauty so I was so excited we got the Maleficent ones.

Flashforward to the drive down to LA, we are laughing having a fun time and singing to music together in the car. My one friend who’s sitting in the back next to me, let’s call her Molly, is a big jokester and I guess she was feeling a little extra silly; maybe it was the long road trip vibes who knows? So she suddenly takes her bucket and puts it on her head like a hat. I go, omg here take mine too, and give her my bucket too. Before we know it, Molly has all our buckets piled on top of her head and we’re laughing our asses off.

Now, Molly is hilarious but she’s also a bit impulsive sometimes and gets lost in the joke. At this point in the drive we’re at a part of the road that has signs warning about gusty winds. Molly suddenly goes, “guys guys look!” and opens her window to stick her head out the window. I’m not sure WHAT she was thinking, but suddenly a gust of wind hits (while we’re going freeway speeds, mind you) and the buckets FLY OFF HER HEAD AND INTO THE ROAD.

Suddenly the car goes SILENT. Molly’s sister, let’s call her Courtney, is driving the car and she is obviously confused by the sudden quiet. I start LAUGHING in shock because I can’t believe what just happened, Courtney is asking WHAT? WHAT? and while I’m lauging I suddenly notice that our friend in the passenger seat, let’s call her Sam, is NOT AMUSED. I stop laughing and Molly just kind of quietly closes her window, buckets GONE.

Sam goes MOLLY WHAT THE FUCK. The car is in chaos as Sam starts yelling at Molly and Molly is defending herself and Courtney is trying to figure out what’s happening. Eventually she figures out that the buckets are GONE and she is MAD. Keep in mind that Courtney and Molly are sisters. IDK exactly what their relationship is like at home but they’ve always seemed very close to me, but maybe they had a fight recently or something because Courtney was PISSED.

After they fight it out for a bit we all stop talking and Courtney even turns the music off. There are about 3 hours left of the car ride left at this point. The problem is that I THOUGHT IT WAS HILARIOUS. Idk why Molly and Sam are so pissed they are $5 PLASTIC BUCKETS that came with a happy meal. We did have to delay the start of our drive to get to a McDonalds because we missed a turn to the one we meant to go to, so maybe that’s it. Courtney had a long day at work and a long commute in addition to being our driver so that could be it too. But now I am worried about the rest of our trip. Are they going to be fighting the whole time? I really think it was NOT that big of a deal, but now Molly is sad and feeling ganged up on and the other two are not speaking. I’m just trying to enjoy the trip.

AITA?

I'm 23F and currently going through a divorce after almost three years of marriage. I left my alcoholic husband nearly six months ago after discovering his infidelity and experiencing domestic violence. I've since moved back in with my family, and although I'm rebuilding my life, I'm still struggling emotionally.

I married young and moved across the country to be with him. I genuinely loved him and wanted our marriage to work, even when things became increasingly unhealthy.

He struggled with severe alcoholism. He would frequently get so intoxicated that he would urinate in our bed, sometimes soaking my clothes and freshly washed bedding. I would wake up lying in it even after he would take a shower and go sleep in the guest bedroom and be left to clean everything. Even when he promised to handle it, he'd sometimes just put the dirty sheets in the laundry hamper for me to deal with later.

I also handled much of the cooking, laundry, cleaning, and other household responsibilities. I wanted to be a loving, supportive wife, but looking back, I felt more like his caretaker than his partner.

One incident that sums up our relationship happened shortly before I discovered the cheating. For the second day in a row, he had left a mess on the side of our toilet. When I asked why he hadn't cleaned it, he responded, "Why can't you?"

Around that same time, I had just returned from a four-day music festival with my childhood best friend. My husband was originally supposed to attend, but he said he might have military obligations. I asked whether he was comfortable with me going without him, and he said yes.

He even pointed out that this would be the first time I was the one going away instead of him.

During those four days, he cheated on me.

I later learned he'd brought the other woman into our home while I was away. Meanwhile, I came home and continued making him different meals every day, completely unaware of what he'd done.

A short time later, I noticed something suspicious through our shared location. I called him, and he acted like I was crazy for questioning him. I drove to where he was and literally caught him sitting in his truck with the other woman.

Instead of apologizing, one of the first things he said was, "You always treat me like shit."

That absolutely devastated me. After everything I'd done for him, he somehow turned the situation around and blamed me.

That night, our confrontation escalated into physical violence. I later reported the assault, and a military protective order was issued.

In the days afterward, he continued blaming me and deflecting responsibility. Sometimes he'd tell me I wasn't allowed to leave, and other times he'd tell me to leave and accuse me of taking advantage of him.

At the time, I was unemployed because he'd encouraged me to quit my job and attend college full-time. I'd returned to school because I wanted us to have a better financial future together. Being financially dependent on him made leaving even more frightening, and I sometimes wonder whether that dependence was part of how he controlled me.

He would also accuse me of cheating when I went to class, even though I barely socialized with anyone. I later learned about other infidelity involving men, which was especially confusing given the homophobic comments he'd made throughout our relationship. What hurt was the dishonesty and hypocrisy, not the gender of the people involved.

All of this happened during my finals week.

One of the things I struggle with most is his lack of remorse. A few days after I caught him, he said, "We can make this work," but he never seemed genuinely willing to acknowledge what he'd done.

I think I wanted him to fight for our marriage, take responsibility, and show that losing me actually mattered to him.

Instead, I felt like he discarded me and everything we'd built together.

I stayed as long as I did because I was young, financially dependent, and terrified of divorce. I didn't want to feel like I'd failed at marriage. I kept hoping the drinking would stop and things would get better.

Eventually, I moved back across the country to live with my family.

Now I'm working again, saving money, and continuing college. I'm completing prerequisites for a radiologic technology program and hoping to build a career that gives me financial independence and the opportunity to travel.

I'm doing well academically and have goals that genuinely excite me. I'm proud of how much progress I've made.

But emotionally, some days are still difficult.

I feel relieved that I'm no longer living in that environment, but I also feel angry about how much I tolerated. I think about all the effort I put into our marriage and how easily he betrayed me.

Sometimes I get stuck on the fact that I was only away for four days. I was enjoying a festival with my childhood best friend, even feeling guilty that my husband couldn't come, while he was cheating on me.

I know his decisions weren't my fault, but it still hurts.

I also struggle with the fact that he seemed so cold afterward. Part of me still wants him to realize how badly he hurt me, genuinely apologize, or acknowledge everything I did for him.

I know I may never get that closure.

I also find myself watching videos of happy couples and imagining what it would be like to have a healthy relationship with someone kind, patient, and emotionally mature.

I want to experience genuine love and feel safe with someone. But I also want to learn to be happy on my own, enjoy my twenties, make friends, travel, and finish school.

I don't want what happened in my marriage to define the rest of my life.

I'd really appreciate advice from anyone who has left an alcoholic or abusive marriage, especially women who have been through something similar.

• Did you struggle with anger months after leaving, even though you knew leaving was the right decision?
• Did you ever feel like you wasted years of your life taking care of someone who didn't appreciate you?
• How did you stop wanting an apology or acknowledgment from your ex?
• Did you ever feel embarrassed or behind in life after moving back in with your parents?
• How did you rebuild your confidence and learn to trust someone again?
• Did you eventually find a healthy relationship, and what was different about it?
• When did you stop thinking about your ex so much and start genuinely feeling happy again?
• What advice would you give someone in my position who is trying to move forward?

I know I'm only 23 and have my whole life ahead of me. I know I have opportunities now that I wouldn't have had if I'd stayed.

But knowing that logically and actually feeling it emotionally are two different things.

I'd especially love to hear from people who are a few years further into their healing. What does your life look like now, and what helped you finally find peace?

Thank you for reading.

my stepdad 46M burst into my 18F room suddenly. he asked to check my ubereats history and i gave him my phone. he sat opposite of me so i couldnt see my phone.

i noticed he was swiping a lot but it could be because he was checking what food iv been ordering. however i admit i talk to a few guys on my phone and he would kill me and take away all my stuff and smash my phone if he found out. so i started panicking, but i knew i couldnt show it because he’d get suspicious.

the whole time he was staring at my face intently so i tried my best to present a neutral expression.

he then started talking, saying “theres a lot of shit im very angry about, and im not gonna tell you until after you finish your final exams” (aka my atar, what we call it in australia).

he was like “but trust me, im gonna have a long chat with you after your exams. so get ready for it”. he looked furious. i was literally fucking terrified. i was sure he checked my messaging apps.

he told me im lucky i have final exams, because its whats controlling him from going off on me, so i “dont get stressed”.

so i said “why dont you say it now because thatll stress me more knowing theres gonna be a big talk after it” he immediately pointed at me and said “see, this shows youre hiding something from me.” i was like “how?” he said “because youre anticipating something” and i replied “because youre angry about something and want to have a big discussion after i finish my exams”

after he left, i checked my phone and noticed my messaging apps were left in a very specific way, a way that would change if someone had opened it. i cant explain it but im pretty sure he didnt open it. apart from my messaging apps i dont have anything else to hide on my phone except for my cam roll where i have some naked pictures of me in my fitness journey to track my progress.

im really stressed out bcs idk what that was about and he was really pissed off and wouldnt break eye contact from my eyes. did he really catch something or am i overreacting and he was just testing me to see my reaction?

Morgan, this is just pure cuteness for the pod. No advice, just sweet and another recipe to share ! Consider this palette cleanser for end of hard podcast lol

This weekend my MIL came to visit her grand daughter this weekend, which I was looking forward to.

My daughter is only 3 weeks old, and it’s going into sick season and I had laid out some ground rules for the visit and mentioned them to her in text, and I also made sure me and my husband were on the same page. It is really simple, washing your hands when handling the baby, and no kissing the baby and if you’re showing signs of sickness do not come over. It’s RSV season, flu season, and we have a measles breakout here as well. So this is a huge boundary for me.

I took the night shift the night before, so my husband had the baby in the morning while I was catching up on some sleep. When I finally came out of the bedroom to come visit after awhile I noticed my husband autistic brother was blowing his nose and also having a cough, so my husband has said is he sick? And his mom said no, just allergies… well it still made me super uncomfortable & it was probably noticeable on my face because I was instantly annoyed by that. (Didn’t seem like just allergies to me…) she made a big fuss because he started coughing again and then made another comment saying I promise it’s just allergies I wouldn’t have brought him if he was sick… and I responded by I’m just going to be honest, it makes me uncomfortable. That was it. Wasn’t bitchy about it, was pretty neutral just explaining my discomfort that was probably noticeable. She then storms off with her brother into the basement and stayed down there for at-least an hour. Granted I never told her to go downstairs, or asked them to do that…

after a couple hours his brother came back upstairs and came towards the baby, he started grabbing her hands and getting close to her mouth when i asked, hey did you wash or hands or can you if you didn’t, and then he stormed back downstairs… again just kindly asked to wash hands if you’re going to be handling the baby.

After a little later in the day his mom and my husband and the baby are sitting on the couch just watching tv and what not. She is handling the baby, and did a feeding and stated burping her. I look over and she is kissing over and over again my babies head. This is when I lost it inside, I didn’t say anything and I just went into my room and eventually my husband came in to see what was wrong and I started crying explaining myself.

I am so fed up with the lack of simple respect about keeping my daughter safe and healthy, but she’s making me feel like I am being crazy and too much. Idk what to do, I always get treated like I am the bad guy for simple and basic things and I’m just fed up. Mostly needed to vent but I would love some different perspectives and outlooks and maybe some kind words to help ease my mind.

Postpartum is HARD, and it’s even harder when you have in laws that aren’t respecting these health issues.

I want to first say that this post is in no way shape or form, me putting my friend down, talking bad about her OR judging her. One of my closest friends (relationship wise, unfortunately she’s 3 hours away) is absolutely gorgeous.

We have always said we’re like the same person. This is important because when I say the same, she liked that we were THE SAME. Same body type, same weight, same boob , hand , feet size .. YOU NAME IT. However, I think she made that version of us as maybe her “ideal” or when she feels her best and that’s okay, but we’re women and we’re reaching our later 20s instead of early 20s now and things change.

Recently she has gained a little bit of weight and I have too, just not as much and I feel like she is insecure about it even though she literally still looks AMAZING. When I say she gained a little weight, I mean a LITTLE. She basically just went from being super skinny to being a lil thick in all the right places.

Anyways, she comes to me about this all the time and always comments how I still look skinny and I constantly tell her that she is STILL considered skinny. And even if she wasn’t.. she would still look just as good. I am constantly trying to uplift her because there is seriously absolutely nothing wrong with her at all. People actually comment to me all the time like hey who’s your hot friend??😏 In reference to her and every time they do, I tell her that someone was asking because I know it makes her feel good about herself. I have no problem reassuring her at all, that’s what I’m here for.

The problem is… she has become so insecure about her TINY bit of weight gain that she is editing her body in her pictures. I don’t mean a little either. It’s very obvious and it looks for lack of better terms .. fucked up. She will bring in her sides so much that it looks like she has an invisible waist trainer on squeezing her insides to mush. I don’t know what to do because I feel like this is just advertising to the world that she is insecure (because of how obvious the editing is) and I don’t want people to comment on it to her or talk about her behind her back.

This is something she struggles with and I don’t want anyone to ever make her feel bad about something she ALREADY clearly is feeling bad about. I just also don’t know how to even bring this up to her because the last thing I want to do is upset her about this or make her feel even worse about herself.

But also..at the same time.. I kind of also say fuck anyone who judges. It makes her feel good, who cares.

I just really want to protect her from how awful people (especially women) can be when they recognize an insecurity in another person. Please help.

I Meghan (F 25) am leaving my abusive marriage to Adam (M 37). Fake names but real ages. This is a brand new throw away account I made as Adam and I share his current Reddit account. I have been married for almost four years. Adam and I met when I was 18 and he had just turned 30. I fell hard and fast. I noticed little beige flags here and there but it didn’t start to get really bad until we moved from Montana to Delaware. I left behind all my friends and family for what I thought was true love. In the beginning it felt like a fairy tale. This older, smarter, more mature man picked me. An 18 year old with little to no life experience. At the time I thought it was a blessing. He had the job, the house, and the finances to take care of me the way I wanted to be taken care of.

Flash forward 3 years, I’m 21 and we get married at our local court house with no friends or family present just us. When we got home that night that was the first time he ever physically hurt me. He immediately apologized and made excuses. The next day he woke me up with flowers and breakfast in bed. Things got better for a little bit, and then they got bad again. In 2025 after I threatened to leave him for the first time. A few days later, he took me to the animal shelter and let me pick out whatever pet I wanted. I picked a puppy( my first one ever).

This puppy gave me so much hope that he did truly love me and things would get better, and they did, for a few weeks. I fell in love with this dog so quick, but it turned out it was just another way for him to hurt me. Every time I did something he didn’t like he would threaten to kill the dog, so I would change my behavior to be what he wanted. This has gone on now for nearly 2 years now. The dog is 20 months old and still my best friend, the only one I can talk to about the way my husband is. I am ready to leave. I have a job, I have a small savings account, and I have qualified for a one bedroom apartment in the town where the clinic I work at is located. The problem is none of the housing I can afford allows for pets. I am ready to leave, I need to leave to save me. But if I do and I can’t take my dog, I am scared that Adam will kill him.

He has threatened it before and I believe he will
Follow through. I have contacted local shelters and none of them can/ will take him. Our local open intake shelter is not open intake to the public, only to strays. (This is the shelter I adopted him from so I can not lie and say he was a stray as he is microchipped and they will see my name on his registration). I have made an anonymous Craigslist post pleading for someone to take him.

I think part of the problem is that he is a pitbull mix and most people (at least in my area) still hold bias towards bully type dogs. I have thought about making a facebook post to rehome him, but I don’t want my husband to find out until after I leave. I don’t want him to ever know where that dog is or went. I don’t know what to do. I am not an avid Reddit user, but I have been listening to THT for almost 3 years now. I love the community around this podcast and I know there are multiple listeners who work at or volunteer with animals who may be able to give me advice on my options. I can not leave this dog with Adam. He has threatened to kill him multiple times and I believe he will follow through. In an ideal world I would 100% take my dog with me, but in this world, I just need to make sure we both make it out alive.

EDIT to add the end goal is to move back to Montana. I haven’t spoken to my family much since moving, and I don’t want to tell them I plan to leave until after it is done. I need to keep building up my savings in order to make that happen so I can take some time off to find a new job once I get out there. I also have seen some comments suggesting to register my dog as an ESA. I have considered this an option, however I don’t think I can afford to keep my dog while living in my own. Right now my husband covers all household expenses and I just pay for my car and the dog’s expenses (food, toys, vet care, preventative medicine, etc.) however when I leave, my expenses would basically triple. I love my dog, I want what is best for him, and right now that is not me, and it is definitely not my husband. As far as I know, my husband has no idea about my plans to leave so I feel safe enough right now to stay until I have found a good home for my dog. Whether that is with an individual person or a rescue group.

URGENT ADVICE NEEDED. So I Have been on a girls trip with a few female family members. Me (f25) my aunt in her 60s my sister (28) mom in her 40s and my grandmother (who is completely innocent and honestly pissed for me) I thought everyone was having a great time, but come to find out i was the butt of a joke...

One night I went to my room in the air bnb and over heard everyone talking about me and my financial situation. Im not well off. But could afford a little in terms of food and the train ticket. My mom paid for everyone's meal once. I didn't know it was expected to be paid back because when I tried she told me not to worry about it. We were supposed to take the train the whole trip and walk (grandma in wheelchair) the city to do different things. They decided to uber the whole time after I had already spent the travel budget I set on the 3 day train pass. I said I'd rather use the train and the insisted I just ride with them in the Uber.

All this was brought up about how I couldn't pay for anything and was broke. Then my mom brought up how she bought us groceries at one point. 200 and in exchange I clean her house. I clean houses on the side of my retail job so I thought since her house is a disaster (dirty not messy) I could do it and use the food. That has since been worked off. The only money I owe is to my sister who volunteered her credit card to literally save my dogs life. He is retired now but was my medical alert dog. And I have paid over half of that balance back...

It really hurt my feelings because now looking back, ever time I suggested we do something because its cheaper and within my budget. There were smiles at each other.

Today my mom tried to hand me her credit card in front of everyone who just made fun of and humiliated me last night and said "here. Pay your car insurance since you're 3 months behind" humiliating me once again.

I walked away and called my husband and he now wants to go to my mom's house and confront her. Because this isn't the first time this has happened.

Last trip I took I had the money in budget for me to try different alcohol in the city because there are several famous margaritas there.... she accused me of being an alcoholic.

I was finally having fun but now im just utterly humiliated and sticking by my grandma.

Should I let my husband confront her? I suggested just saying it on the phone... but he wants to do it in person.

Adit: I'd like to add that a few months ago my step father lost his job and went without one for a bit. Me and my husband helped them out buying groceries, teaching to coupon, and helped my brother with school clothes since I get a decent discount at my job. We never held it over their head. (I would also like to add i raised my brother until he was 13 because my kom worked 3 jobs struggling too...)

hi ik this title might be weird but just wanted to come on here and ask if it dtm? or not enough. My dad has been actively cheating on my mom for i wanna say the past 2 years now and my whole family knows. But my dad keeps denying it or he never really set the record straight. he basically just dismissed us and said it isn't true despite my mom having evidence seeing him with another person. He made my mom feel crazy saying she's delusional and would play tricks on her. My mom and dad were in a group marriage counseling for catholics and they were all invited into our home bc my parents were really going through it, btw my mom was the one that suggested the counseling bc my dad didn't want to work for it? work for the relationship. But pretty much they were invited bc it was my parents anniversary and they made them dance to their love song and as they were dancing i can see my mom looked so out of it. never seen my mom so depressed, disappointed, not her joyful self and my mom told me why. She said as they were dancing my dad said to her ear that "there's someone else" and laughed it off and later said "i'm jk" like what kind of mind fuck is that? But i came here to ask if i should or should not expose because writhing those 2 years my mom has been actively seeking a divorce but my dad won't sign it because he's staying for the kids. my little bros are 13 & 15 years old but we all know it's bc of child support. & btw i have evidence as well for the sake of my mom, having evidence for the divorce not because of anything else. i'm just tired of my mom having to deal with this as well as my siblings. He's not a present father he just shows up late from 11pm and leave for work at 6am so he's never really home for my bros.

Hi. Throwaway here for the obvious privacy reasons. I’m not at all sure if this is the right move, but my friends and I really don’t know what to do and feel very stuck. 

For reference my friends (both 16F) who I’ll call Navy and Amber and I (15F) are in high school and have been a trio friend group since we met when we were all new to this school. I know people say trios never work out, but if you can entertain the idea, ours works really well.

At the start of last school year, there was a new girl in our grade, let’s call her Blair. Funnily enough, she actually has the same IRL first name as me. I met her on the first day, and seeing as she was new, I struck up a connection and was friendly, and she seemed friendly and nice back. She then met Navy and Amber, and they both thought the same. Over some weeks, we all became friends as she found her footing here and made other friends. Our school schedules all have around an hour of free time in the mornings before class, so we would all sit together and chat and do homework, where it was the three of us plus Blair and typically a couple other friends who were there. Then for lunch, Blair would sit with another friend group she knew. 

And that was how the whole first half of the school year went. Throughout it occasionally, there would be random, little things she said that were just “umm…okay” and “what-an-odd-thing-to-say”-type things, but we brushed them off because everyone’s human and we all have our moments, especially in high school. We also knew a decent amount of people who didn’t like Blair and/or found her annoying, but again, everyone can’t be liked by everyone.

For simplicity’s sake, I’m just going to list some things she has said and done that we irked us/ came up as red flags: 

• Blair and I are in the same science class this year, along with Amber and Saffron (more about later). Just the other week, when we got our first grades of the year back, I passed all three categories, while Blair failed one. To her credit, I was very shocked that I passed all three, as there was a question I ran out of time for and left blank. After she asked about my grades, and I told her still in disbelief that I passed all three, and joked that “lowkey I don’t think I deserve it”, she deadpanned “yeah, you didn’t” in reply. A little bit later, she turned to Amber and whispered “How did she pass all three for THAT and I got one fail for THIS”. 
• In our school, we have a very popular leadership role that a ton of kids apply for. I don’t want to get into specifics because I don’t want to risk giving away too much, but think of it as a “representative” board for the school. Last year, all four of us were a part of the over 100 students who applied for it, and the application process was quite long and hard. Before the first cut where it was expected around 70% would be cut, she was complaining to Amber about how busy she was gonna be the next school year with everything she had going on extracurricular-wise. As she was listing things, she said something like this: “… I mean I have (insert club she got leader for), I have (insert something), I have (insert another something). And then WHEN I MAKE REPRESENTATIVE…” she said WHEN I get this role as if it was a fact and she already had her acceptance email. 
• After the first month of knowing her, she discretely asked Navy what our names were because she forgot. She had talked to us multiple times about the “popular” girls in our grade by name. I know it sounds like a small deal, but it felt like she deemed us so unimportant to her that she couldn’t even be bothered to remember our names, even when the first thing I said to her was about our SAME NAME, as well as Navy, Amber, and me saying each other’s names all the time. But she remembered the people she saw as actually important to her: the popular ones. 
• Navy had a birthday dinner and invited me, Amber, Saffron, Orange, and Blair. At the time, Saffron was going through a really sensitive, awful situation at school with a friend and it led to some serious consequences. Saffron is mutuals with Blair, so they aren’t close at all. During the dinner there were times where she was filling us in about some aspects of her situation, but she was purposefully being a bit vague with names and details because she wasn’t really ready to share everything. The ENTIRE time Blair was pushing for details and was just overall being very insensitive, rude, and nosy to Saffron’s situation. She would say “wait, so what happened?” or “wait, who is this?”, and Saffron would say “I don’t really want to talk about it”. Blair would just say “oh ok”, and the convo would drift a bit. Then, when we were getting close to the topic again, she pushed for more again with “wait, so they did what?” Or the exact same question. Every time Saffron was clearly uncomfortable and would state her boundary, Blair would wait and then push again 3 minutes later. 
• Going back to that “representative” board application process, when the results came out, I was the only one to make that cut out of all of us, and the only thing left before final cut was an exit interview. When I made it to school that day and dropped off my stuff at our usual area, Navy, Amber, and Blair were there. They asked where I was going and I said my exit interview, and Blair looked me up and down and deadass said “you’re wearing that?” Navy and Amber didn’t hear it cuz she was closer to me, but I was floored. I pretended like I didn’t hear her and continued fixing my things. Then someone asked where I was going again because I kind of mumbled and after I answered, she looked me up and down again and said “yeah, but you should zip up your jacket before that”. For reference, I was wearing a top that I don’t even think qualifies as low-cut, a skirt, and an unzipped jacket, all entirely within dress code, and she looked me up and down as if I was in lingerie (that interview went well enough that I got the role, even with something as scandalous as an unzipped jacket!)
• Around a month into knowing her, she and Navy were having a conversation about school life. Blair commented about how small our friend group was and said to Navy “to be honest, I thought you would have more friends”, insinuating that Navy, who is a golden-retriever-type extrovert who tons of people say is super nice, didn’t make friends. 
• At the same-ish time, Amber was talking about how she was thinking of applying for a school service committee, and Blair just told her she shouldn’t by saying “You don’t seem like a good fit for (insert committee name)”. She didn’t want to elaborate. She just wanted to discourage her. 

That is a lot of stuff, and yet somehow, that’s not even all of it. To sum it up, the things stated above are many red-flags Blair has shown that makes us not want to be friends with her, but our issue is that cutting her off hard. This year, we have so much overlap in our classes and clubs that cutting her off feels really risky because we don’t know what she might say or do in response. We also feel bad that if we kick her out, she’ll jump to this other friend group (which she has done on days where the three of us are busy), and we’re close friends with them and don’t want to make her their problem.

Her lack of social awareness and massive ego also means that she is incapable of self-reflecting. The fact that so many friend groups encompassing almost all of the girls in our grade have hated her enough to kick her out and she STILL CAN’T RECOGNIZE THAT MAYBE IT IS HER is impossible. The thing about the friend-group hopping is the fact that we know we wouldn’t be here if she had people that made her look better who actually liked her. It sounds really mean, but when I say everyone Navy, Amber and I know don’t like her, I am telling the truth. They start spilling the second they realize we don’t like her too. 

Navy, Amber and I have tried being dry and not showing much enthusiasm, but it’s not working. We always text in our original group chat instead of the one with her. We’ve hung out without her among ourselves and with others like Saffron and Orange (which she found out about and um…. That’s a whole other story) but we aren’t sure if it’s too mean and making things worse. 

We genuinely do not know what to do. Are we grasping at straws coming up with reasons to not like her? Should we just bite the bullet and deal with it? Should we cut her off? How could we cut her off? Over text? In person? ANY THOUGHTS ARE APPRECIATED!!! If you need any clarification please feel free to ask. If you want more details, more red-flags, more on what we’ve been doing so far, or more context, I will try to give it to you in edits or replies. We are really desperate for any thoughts so thank you for any help. 

Before I begin, I wanted to apologise for any grammar mistakes, as English is not my first language. As the title says, I (30F) didn’t choose my friend (also 30F) to be my MOH, even though we are childhood friends. Now I feel like criminal and need some advice, second opinion if I am the asshole. This is going to be a longer read, so sorry!!

So to give you the context, we’ve been friends for nearly 20 years now, were super close in school and in uni. I think it’s important to mention that she did not get to have her wedding, even though she was engaged, as she and her fiancée broke up. After the break up, around 5 years ago, her mental health really decreased, she stopped taking care of herself, her cat, her eating habits (I am not shaming anyone, it’s just she constantly has some health issues, but refuses to eat healthy and goes only with take out and highly processed foods). She spends her days in her apartment, not going out, even if we (our friend group) keep on asking her out and really keep on trying for these past 5 years to help her get out of the state that she’s in.

She’s in therapy, she’s on meds but there is no progress, she only learnt to excuse herself with any diagnosis she gets (again, I am not trying to dismiss her mental health issues, but we are at the point where she is aware of these problems, but won’t do anything with this knowledge, expect for pulling each diagnosis as an explanation whenever she does something wrong, like being 2hrs late to the meeting on repeated occasions, or throwing a bit fights with us when she doesn’t get what she wants). She is very sensitive and every inconvenience is a mini end of the world, which stresses her out so bad that she can’t sleep (like her cat getting a tummy issue will send her spiralling). Last time she wanted to make a DIY gift for her dad, but it stressed her so badly that she threw away everything and did last minute shopping.

All of this leads to a point where we cannot rely on her, and we stopped asking for support because she never makes it. I injured my spine one time and couldn’t get out of apartment, she lives almost next door so I kindly asked her if she could pick up my parcel and get it to me, as I couldn’t do it myself. Never happened, had to ask another person who lived in the other city. This is just an example, but happens each time. As a group, we are there for her, watching her cat when she needs, driving her around as she didn’t pass her driving license tests, getting her groceries and meds when she’s sick etc. But in the end, she always says that she’s alone and has nobody and no support from us :)

she hates everyone else in our lives, she doesn’t like to come to bigger gatherings and 90% of the time is criticising activities we propose to do. But we stick together, I know how it looks like, but I don’t intend to leave her alone.

Fast forward to last week. I am getting married next year, to a man she didn’t even bother to get to know better, but that’s okay - we got past the point where we cared that she didn’t even once asked him a question about himself. I wanted to have maid of honor and few bridesmaids. I announced it last week, on our girl get together. I hand made a bridal proposal basket for each girl, with personalised gifts for them and a note inside saying something along the lines of „Can’t say my I do without you, will you be my bridesmaid / maid of honor?”. She was all excited at the beginning, but when she saw that she’s a bridesmaid, not MOH, her energy shifted from 100 to 0, she didn’t say yes or thank you (not that I expect being praised for that, but some enthusiasm would be nice).

She tossed the basket away saying „I knew that X will be your MOH, right??” And went to text with someone, stayed on the phone through whole dinner and left shortly after. I know X for 10 years, she’s my close friend and I needed her to be my MOH, as she is the type of person that will get things done before you even think about them, she is reliable and I simply love her as a friend.

She texted me after few days saying that she’s sorry for leaving early, but she got upset, sad and her mental issues took over and she said that X will be amazing MOH. I didn’t reply yet, as I need my emotions to cool down, so I don’t say something stupid and hurtful. This also gives me a non-apology vibe.

I am not mad. I am just a bit sad that she ruined this very special moment of celebration, of me asking them to my bride squad and I am even more sad that the only problem she sees is her leaving early..

I didn’t intend to make somebody feel more / less important, based on the role they got. All the girls are very close and dear to me, and that’s why I wanted them to be bridesmaids and act like one team, but I can only have one MOH. I didn’t want to put this much responsibility of my childhood friend, because I was afraid that mentally it would be too much for her + given all the moments where for the past 5 years she wasn’t a great support (which I understand was hard for her with her conditions), I need someone to rely on strongly during my wedding day without having to worry if they get it done- that’s why X got this role, cause she is the best fit.

Now that I saw her reaction I feel like the worst person on the planet, as I know that my childhood friend really wanted to be the MOH since we were kids. But truly, I feel like she wanted this role for herself, not because she cares for me,
as one time she made me promise not to pick our friend Betty (name changed), because she can’t loose to Betty. She also already bought an outfit for my bachelorette, when nothing is in place and we never actually spoke about what I want to do for my bachelorette. I could go on with examples but it’s already a long read.

So Reddit, am I the asshole? How do I navigate here?

Thank you all who made it till this point ❤️

Although this situation in the moment filled me with a lot of irritation, it's been months and I can finally look back at it and laugh. My partner loves when I tell people this story because of how absurd it is and also said I should post it on reddit for others enjoyment, so here we go.

I work at a grocery store as a housekeeper meaning my “department” is in the back of the store. The back area is a shared space among other departments. I arrived on a Monday tired and not in the best mood, I will admit. As I was walking to my department's area I could hear the Creed radio station playing (my store has set radio stations that play at the same time everyday) and as I got closer to my area I could tell that someone had cranked the volume all the way up. The back area has multiple speakers and it's unfortunate that the one in my area is much lower to the ground than the others and also is louder. I tried to do my normal beginning of shift activities but having Creed blasting at full volume was making it hard for me to focus. I know where the volume knob is so after putting my apron on and setting down my stuff I headed to where it was so I could turn the volume back to its normal level. After turning it back to the level it is normally I walked back to my area, but in the 40ish seconds it took me to walk back to my department someone had turned it back up…. so I took a deep breath and walked BACK to turn it down again. Now as I was walking away after turning it down a 2nd time I heard a coworker, let's call her Patty, (who I have never spoken to mind you) shout my name. I back track and see her looking at me with a condescending smile. She promptly says “Do you mind asking first???” 

I pause for a moment because the amount of attitude she was hitting me with when I have never spoken to her before stunned me a bit. She then adds “because other people are still working back here.” 

I don't deal with confrontation well so I apologized and explained to her that the music is way too loud because of the speaker right above my department. I reached to turn it back up for her but she told me to just “leave it.” 

Immediately after the confrontation I felt very embarrassed but then the more I thought about it the more I realized how insane her reaction was given A) I only turned it down to where it usually sits and B) I had never spoken to this woman before so I didn't understand where the hostility was coming from. The longer I thought about it the more unfair the whole thing felt so I did maybe a petty thing and I asked one of my managers to have a talk with her about being careful with her tone when talking to coworkers. About 30ish minutes later my manager came up to me and said the talk went well and Patty took responsibility for her tone and admitted she got a bit heated. I thanked him and was happy that things were over. 

Later on in the day I was standing in the back with another coworker/friend of mine, She was venting to me about her day and I made a passing comment about how it seems a lot of people were in a mood today. She responds “oh yeah, you talking about that Patty thing?” I was so confused because the only people who knew about that were Patty, me and my manager so I asked her how she knew about that. She then told me that Patty had approached her when she was leaving for the day. Patty asked “you're close friends with OP right?” my friend answered yes, Patty then proceeded to ask if I am “really mean”, my friend confused said “no OP is very sweet” Patty then follows up asking if I have Autism or ADHD because I had “freaked out over the music earlier” and that “I never make eye contact with her and keep to myself”. I was absolutely stunned at the sheer audacity of this woman, like huhhhhh??? My friend told me that she was instantly uncomfortable and defended me saying that I'm just shy (which is true). Knowing this I was angry about the whole situation again. So the next day I went back to my same manager and told him exactly what my friend had told me, he also was confused as to how Patty thought that was an appropriate thing to say. He told me not to worry and he would take care of it. I didn't hear anything about the situation over the next couple days but I could tell Patty was avoiding me a bit when our shifts did overlap which was fine with me. The next time I saw my direct boss on a shift he told me that Patty had been talked to and that hopefully the situation is officially resolved. This whole thing happened months ago and I'm over it but it still boggles my mind that Patty thought that was in any way appropriate especially in a workplace. Thank you for listening to my story and have a good day! 

Hi guys! First time poster here so please be gentle. Also please excuse my spelling, English is not even my 2nd language. Sorry for the long post. I (34 F), met my husband (44M), 10 years ago. We connected instantly and irrevocably. A few months in the relationship, we had a kid, things were going well. Luckily we got over the fact that my MIL hated me with all her energy, and her attempts to break us up by humiliating me constantly, telling me that I’m not good enough for her trophy boy, that she would rather him being with his ex wife instead of me, that I come from a lower class household, etc, failed. She still hates me, but she accepts me and doesn’t fight it anymore. Although we had an absolutely amazing relationship, he was always avoiding commitment, so we got married 6 years later, after his mother’s and previous marriage children approval. However, it all went well and we had 8/10 years with mutual love, trust and respect.

The eight year, however, things went south. He changed his job ( we were working together before, but i totally supported him in his new job), which made him be away for most of the day.

I didn’t pay much attention because he never gave me reasons to believe he’d be doing something sketchy. A few months after his job change , my father died and i was in grief for almost a year. I knew it was probably unbearable to hear me crying every day, but i’ve never felt such a pain and i couldn’t help myself.

Not even 2 months later, he brings his colleagues to use my office, which made me happy, cuz i got the chance to know them. Then his only female colleague tells me she’s fascinated by him, that she’s sorry she’s been calling him all the time, aaaand, that she’s his “work wife”. She also tells me that my son is as handsome as his dad, implying that I am ugly, which i think i’m not, but I was still grieving, so maintaining my appearance was not on my to do list atm. I obvs confronted him and he said she’s joking like that with every other colleague, and there’s nothing to be worried about.

Until the other signs started: he started rejecting her calls when i was around, and called her back when he left the house, spent double the time in bathroom and if i entered he’d turn his phone around, started using private browsing, aaand started deleting texts to and from her. I obviously scooped because i was sure there was something there. He forgot to delete some work group messages where he was jokingly saying he’s going to buy some blue pills. He admitted they were all making smexual jokes, but that’s it. Naive and grieving, I believed him.

Until One ocasion, his job had an action and i also participated, he let me get lost in the crowd and later when i found him, she was in his arms. That’s when all hell broke loose, and we had a huge fight. He obvs gaslighted me, i didn’t saw anything, he wasn’t doing anything, and i should not accuse him because he’s innocent. I left it like that but i started my detective job, and i literally kept him under terror with my control. He maps searched hotels, turned off his location, deleted messages, and still telling me i’m paranoid.

A few months go by, and his other teammate is calling him, so he safely puts him on speaker, although i was there as well. He talks for 10 seconds, then she hopps into the call, telling him she wants to “sock” him dry. I get up and leave, he follows me after like 10 minutes. He tells me he didn’t do anything but he will resign in order for me to believe him and come back home. Since i wasn’t done with being dumb, i believed him. That was 2 years ago and i genuinely thought he’d be done with the shenanigans.

Things got better with time although he blamed me and my lack of trust for losing his dream job ( he was a single kid in a wealthy family, he didn’t find his purpose just yet, so he keeps trying and failing and blaming anyone else but himself). He’s working for his parent’s company, which are also his safety net when it comes to money, while i still work in our own company which he “gave up” 2,5 years ago, after taking some loans which i didn’t agree to but i co-signed since we had no problems back then. That is actually why i am kinda forced to work, to pay back the loans, i get no income, basically I volunteered. All of this takes us to another shenanigan he’s been doing, by spending a huge amount, larger than the loan itself, for an online game. Which sparked another big fight between us, but he motivated it s his only pleasure, and he considers it therapy. I was incredibly understanding of his pov and i accepted it as well.

Things are now the worst. I’m physically and mentally drained after a couple of months ago, he came home and showed me he has a rash down there. I immediately made an appointment, and the results were hsv2. Even if i want to believe him he s never cheated, the proof is black on white, written and acknowledged by 2 different doctors. Which lead to me getting tested as well ( we did have some intimacy after he was healed), and i also came down with the same thing, but luckily I don’t have any symptoms. I have my checkup routines yearly and i was never diagnosed with an std before, yet he still accuses me of giving it to him ( not by cheating, but he says i surely had it before meeting him, and his other excuse is that he got it from the swimming shorts, lol). Which is obviously not the case, but his gaslighting is top tier.

Now here s where i might be the ahole. During all these 2 years of constant fighting, i kinda made his life worse by telling him my honest thoughts on everything he asked for, instead of sugarcoating my answers to cater his ego and feelings. I decided to stay after hsv2 diagnosis and start over, but I KINDA changed my mind. He’s obviously caught the idea he can do anything and I’ll still be here, and my feelings have kinda eroded. I mean i just don’t care anymore. And i kinda hate him, because he’s grossing me out, not knowing where he’s been and with whom. I want to leave ( we live with his parents), but I cannot help but think about our son, who is so obsessed with his dad. He’s the cool parent who allows him to do everything, gives him the ipad for his own peace, etc.

So would i be the ahole if i divorced him even though we said we’d work it through? I just can’t stand for him to touch me anymore.