Hello again!

So it’s been a hot minute since I posted my original post but I had several people request an update sooo here it is!

I’m gonna start off by saying thank you to everyone who commented on my original post, unfortunately the reason for the late update is a mix of good and bad.
Late in September while still being at my in-laws house, I ended up miscarrying my twins, I’m still reeling from that, and reeling from the fact that my MIL tried to make it all about her feelings because I was avoiding literally everybody in the house. She told my fiance that she was hurt that I was avoiding her.
She compared my miscarriage to one she had and kept telling me “at least it was….” (Insert whatever miscarriage “silver lining” possible)

The good news is we finally got our own place! We moved early in October, got out of my in-laws in a couple of days.
Since then my fiance and I have gone minimal to borderline no contact. My MIL kept trying to invite herself over to help us move, two days into us being out of her house she messaged my fiance that she missed her grandbaby, she also tried to convince my fiance to let her take some family photos of us after we were settled.
All of these were answered with a no, especially the family photo comment because she posts all her photography stuff on her Facebook page and I have been unfriended since AUGUST.
I haven’t heard from my SIL since we moved.
My fiance and I have been able to cook again, and trying to get back to being healthy. Our son is happy and thriving, he’s finally sleeping through the night consistently, and he’s doing great without all the extra stress. My dog and cat are also doing a million times better now.

My MIL started another fight resulting in the borderline no contact after my fiance and I removed ourselves from her Life360 circle. We still talk to my FIL and he’s doing as ok as possible all things considered.

Hello friends, fellow long-time THT listener here. Please help me with my situation rn as my fiance is dragging this fight on- insisting the only problem this morning was my comment

Background- my fiance (27m) and I (26f) have been dating for 3 years. He has always been very forward with sex, bought be a vibrator and lingerie a few weeks after begining to date. I didnt mind, really- this isnt a red flag to me, especially at that point.

I wouldn't say that my libidio keeps up with his necessarily, but for a while, he was pretty respectful of that.

As time went on he would express more and more disappointment over it if I said no, sometimes asking "tonight then?" "Tomorrow?" Etc.

If it had been a few days, often he'd make little comments about how we "never have sex anymore" etc.

Eventually, he'd start asking to finish himself on me if I don't want to have sex. Sometimes I say yes, sometimes I say no.

At some point fairly recently we had a big fight about it, because he consistently asked me to participate in a kink I wasn't interested in, and said he wants to get another girlfriend so that she can do that to him and I wont have to be asked anymore. This really triggered me, I've never wanted an open relationship and still dont. We almost broke up (were not engaged yet), but had a calmer conversation about it later on that was more productive.

Well recently I had been "putting out" a little more, just got into reading some romance books, probably a little more motivated. And it seems to have resparked this untoward advances. Asking about it morning and night, flashing me even when I say put it away. He'll come up and grab me when I'm doing things, even though that may be a normal part of a relationship, the added expectation feels too much and makes me feel uncomfortable. Which I have explained. Im not the type of woman who gets turned on just at the thought of having sex. He is the type of man who thinks showing off his dick or grabbing my tits is romance.

So the last few days I've been coming down with a sinus cold. A huge headache, and have expressed this to him. We had sex three nights ago- he has since asked for sex the following morning, night, yesterday morning and night, and this morning.

I continuously told him no, that I'm not feeling well.

He called me on my commute (2hrs long) this morning and we complained together about traffic. I told him I'm unsure if my commute is worth staying at the job anymore. He told me I'll have to move to another town (as a joke, but the town he mentioned is equally as far as our house)

As I was saying this, he said "it wouldn't matter anyway, Id still get the same amount of sex" with two interpretations that he'd either move another gf in (he continues to make jokes like this) or that I never give him sex anyway.

This is where I may be the Asshole. I got really upset at this, saying "how dare you continuously insinuate that I am not enough for you, that I NEVER have sex with you, how dare you say that if I dont give you sex morning and night that you must never have sex. I have never met another 27 year old man who is so obsessed with getting his dick wet, and honestly the amount of pressure that you put on me, some people would consider kind of rapey."

This obviously struck a chord because he went silent. And after a few minutes I asked him if he even understands what I said and why I would be upset. He made me repeat myself, then told me that nothing he could add would be productive. I told him, saying sorry and that he would try not to make me feel that way would be productive. And he said, begrudgingly, "ill try not to make you feel that way." Which hardly feels like an apology.

So AITAH for calling my fiance, "a little rapey"

Hello! I 28f got a text from my coworker 21f about our job. No I am not a manager or a higher up. The same job description.
She is asking me if she should take off tomorrow. I said no. You have 12 points already. They would fire you. I would use that extra point for your doctors appointment.
They would fire you. She told me that I’m not understanding.
I know from other coworkers that if you get 12 or 14 points they will fire you.
You can get half or all if it taken away once next year rolls around.

She did text me saying that the boss called her selfish and self centered. And that she is using the system.
I am trying to understand her🤷‍♀️but I think she she wait until next week.

TLDR; my coworkers is wondering if she should take tomorrow off. I said no. You will be fired. She is telling me that I don’t understand her

I’m 36M, a registered nurse, and about a month ago, my entire life changed in ways I’m still trying to process.
I suffered a massive gastrointestinal bleed that nearly killed me. I ended up in the ICU, required 14 units of blood, and underwent three surgeries in a single week.I’m a nurse. I’ve spent years taking care of critically ill patients. I’ve watched people fight for their lives, and I’ve seen how quickly things can go wrong.

But nothing prepares you for being the person lying in that hospital bed, wondering if you’re actually going to survive.
I couldn’t eat for days. I could barely get out of bed. I was physically exhausted, vulnerable, and completely dependent on other people.

And while I was fighting to stay alive, my girlfriend was back at my home doing things that I still have trouble comprehending.

She took my phone after the first surgery on the first day when I crashed in the ER, leaving me unable to communicate normally. Three days later she unplugged my refrigerator, allowing everything inside to spoil. She dumped the contents of my freezer into the sink. My home was trashed, and expensive jewelry (6000 dollar ring and other things), sentimental belongings, and other possessions were missing.

I was lying in a hospital bed, barely able to move, while the person I was supposed to be building a future with was doing this.

And here’s what makes the story even more difficult.
We were expecting a child.I wanted to be a father. I genuinely did. I was excited about the idea of coming home to a family, raising a child, and building something meaningful with someone. I knew it would involve sacrifice and responsibility, but I was ready for all of it. That future is gone now. And what hurts isn’t necessarily losing her. It’s losing the family I thought I was finally going to have.

But the strangest part came afterward. She started sending me messages about how much she missed what we had.
She talked about the relationship, the life we were building, and the family we could have had. In one message, she described what we were building as something “worthy of protecting and treating like a golden ticket in this shit life.”
A golden ticket. Those words have stuck with me.

Because I keep asking myself the same question.
If you genuinely believed what we had was something so rare and valuable, something worth protecting in an otherwise difficult world, how could you treat someone you supposedly loved the way you treated me?

How do you go from imagining a family with someone to tearing apart their home while they’re in intensive care?How do you tell someone you miss what you had together after doing things that made it impossible to ever have that relationship again? I know our relationship wasn’t perfect. I know she was hurt and angry about things between us, and I can understand that people sometimes act out of fear and emotion. But overall the stuff she saw was from before we dated and I was single, I didn’t do anything morally apprehensive but I was talking to a few women and going on dates which is normal. The relationship was really good up until that point too which is why this was so hard to understand.

But there’s a difference between being hurt and deliberately hurting someone when they’re completely defenseless. She could have ended the relationship. She could have told me she didn’t want a future together.
She could have walked away, and as painful as that might have been, I would have eventually accepted it.
Instead, all of this happened during one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.

And then came the messages about missing us.
There’s something incredibly unsettling about hearing someone romanticize a future they helped destroy. I don’t know whether those messages came from regret, grief, guilt, or simply missing the good parts of the relationship.
Maybe she genuinely believes we had something special.
Maybe she regrets how everything happened. I don’t know.

But what I do know is that you can miss someone and still have treated them in a way that makes reconciliation impossible. I don’t hate her. I don’t wish anything bad on her. And I don’t want her back. I actually understand that she may have been scared about the pregnancy, our future, and everything happening around us.

What I can’t understand is how my nearly dying became the moment she chose to act the way she did.
Since then, I’ve moved across the country to be closer to my family. I’m recovering physically, trying to put my life back together, and preparing to start working again. I’m also beginning to date again, meet new people, and rediscover the parts of myself that existed before all of this happened. And surprisingly, I’m finding some peace. But this experience has changed something fundamental about me.

Before all of this, I knew life was fragile. As a nurse, I’ve been reminded of that countless times. But there’s a difference between watching someone else confront their mortality and confronting your own. I came incredibly close to losing my life.And in the process, I lost my relationship, the home I had built, and the future I imagined for myself.
The irony is that surviving the medical emergency almost feels easier to comprehend than what happened afterward.
Medicine makes sense to me. The human body can fail. People bleed. Organs stop functioning. Sometimes terrible things happen without anyone being at fault.

But human behavior is different. I can’t make sense of how someone can say you had a “golden ticket” in life while doing things that destroy it. And perhaps that’s something I’ll never fully understand. I’m grateful to be alive. I’m grateful for my family. And I’m looking forward to whatever comes next.I still want to fall in love again. I still want to become a father someday. And despite everything, I refuse to believe that one person’s actions should determine how I treat or trust everyone who comes after them.

But I’ll never forget how quickly life changed, or how vulnerable I was when it happened. I survived almost dying. What I’m still figuring out is how to process what someone I trusted was capable of doing while I was fighting to survive.
Has anyone else experienced an ex who did incredibly hurtful things, only to come back afterward talking about how special the relationship was and how much they missed it?

Just thought I’d post my experience to see if anyone else went through something similar.

(Update)

She has a 5 year old with Down syndrome from a prior relationship is why I’m certain she ended the pregnancy, also the dad isn’t in the picture and never met the child or was there for her during her pregnancy, he kicked her out and told her he wanted nothing to do with her or the kid, was really messed up, she told me in the past she would because she couldn’t take care of her daughter and be pregnant/raise a new born along with her current child alone which I can understand.

Total time we dated was 5 months, so it was a new relationship, I decided to move her in after I found out she was pregnant and was excited about building a family together.

Also I did file a police report as well as have a restraining order in place, that and I closed out my lease so she doesn’t know where I live.

We met on a dating app and we got made things official after 3 weeks.

She also went through all my financial records and everything, emails, even my ChatGPT history and pictures, she didn’t find anything but she looked, just blew my mind how she took my phone and refused to give it back.

I F25 and my husband M31 have a a year old little boy. He is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I am unable to have any more children because of health issues which I think can contribute to my anxiety about the safety and wellbeing of my son.
My husband is a terrible driver. He gets angry, he speeds through yellow lights, he honks, he swerves. It’s honestly the biggest point of contention for us because it bothers me but it really pisses me off when the baby is in the car as well. It makes me feel like he doesn’t care about the safety of myself or of our baby. We also live in a community where there are tons of road rage incidents where guns are pulled or fights break out. I’ve voiced my concerns MULTIPLE times and have never gotten through to him. The last time (today) he told me I was I was never on his “side” when things like this come up. I’m at a loss for what to do next. I feel like if anything happened to me or my baby I would fully dive into psychosis and never look back. Let me know what you think. Thanks!

I (30F) started dating Sam (33M) a couple of months ago. We’ve known each other since 2022 though as we’re co-workers. He ended up giving me the key to his house. I was surprised at first, but I took it anyways. He seemed happy to give it to me and I really liked him.

I would go to his house often. Since we both work a lot, we’d have a lot of game and movie nights. We went out, did all nighters on the phone, and have been passionately intimate. He told me that I was welcome to come to his house whenever I wanted. If I wanted to do laundry at his house, I could because I don’t have a washer and dryer in my apartment. He told me I was welcome to whatever I wanted in his house and that it would soon be my house anyways. If I was off and he worked that day, he would go to work and leave me in his house without a problem. He would tell me that he wanted me to be there when he got back from work.

There have been times where I stayed back home and told him that I wanted to come over but didn’t because he didn’t answer his phone. He would ask why I didn’t just come over because I have the key. I asked him if he would be OK with this and he said yes.

Lately I’ve been going over often and he didn’t seem to mind it. I would sleep over and he would ask me if I was coming back the next night and the next night. I figured he loved having me over. Yesterday we did dinner and a movie at his house and I slept over. We had a disagreement before we left to work separately, but kissed and said goodbye before we parted ways. We didn’t want anyone at work to know about us, so we never drove together.

Tonight, I went to his house to surprise him. I’ve done this before. I had called and texted him earlier and he didn’t respond so I figured he was sleeping. Because he said I can come over whenever I wanted, I went over without saying anything.

He doesn’t usually hear me come in. His house is pretty big and his room door is always closed with the fan on. I opened the room door and wanted to surprise him even further. I wanted to call him and then answer while standing right behind him to spoke him (since it’s October). I called him and watched him sigh, ignore my call and say “Kira what the hell. Why are you calling me?” He then swiped my name away. I was so shocked. I then asked loudly why he ignored my call. He said “what” confusingly and then I left.

He didn’t come after me. He didn’t call me. I left, but then I called him again and he answered. I asked if I could get anything that I left at his house that night. I didn’t want to come back. He said yes. I came back and started searching for my clothes. He came downstairs and asked what the hell was going on in his house. I told him that I was looking for the clothes that I said two minutes ago I’d be picking up. I took his key off of my key ring and left it on his dining room table.

He honestly seemed like he didn’t care. It was like a complete 180 of the person that I was with the day before. I wish I could say I was surprised, but I wasn’t (that’ll have to be another post). I asked him why he ignored my call and he said that he wanted to be alone but I just showed up. I asked him why he didn’t just say that. He said that he felt like I would think he was joking. I told him if he seriously told me he wanted to be alone that I would honor it because I feel the same way sometimes. When I want to be alone, I don’t come over.

I reminded him of what he said, that he gave me a key so I can come over whenever I wanted. He told me that he didn’t meet every day. This surprised me because that’s not the impression he gave. He asked me to come over so much that it eventually led to him saying that he wanted me to move in. Literally last night at this time, he was talking about remodeling certain things in his house for me.

I had never felt so embarrassed, ashamed and unwanted. In that split second I asked myself if I was being too clingy. Maybe I am too clingy. Should I have not believed him when he said that I can come over whenever I wanted?

I feel like I can’t stop crying because I actually fell for him. I know I’m 30, but before him I was in only one relationship. I had a strict Caribbean mom, so I wasn’t allowed to date or be around boys at all. To be honest I don’t know too much about dating other than what I see online. My mom didn’t date either, so she couldn’t teach me. I don’t know what I did wrong.

I recently received some really sad medical news yesterday, and today I decided to share it with my partner.
He had a very long and exhausting day, which I completely understand. However, when I told him the news, he mentioned that in the future, he’d appreciate it if I gave him a heads-up before sharing something so heavy, so he could mentally prepare himself and show up better for me emotionally.
I understand where he’s coming from, and I know he probably meant well. But at the same time, I was sharing something incredibly painful and frightening about my own health.
It made me feel a little confused and hurt because I didn’t realize I needed to prepare my partner before telling him something devastating that I’m personally going through.
I don’t expect him to have all the right words or react perfectly. Sometimes I just want to feel like I can turn to the person I love when something terrible happens.
I’m genuinely trying to understand both perspectives here.
Is it reasonable for a partner to ask for advance notice before receiving difficult news, or is it fair to expect emotional support without having to prepare them
I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives.

My 35 M boyfriend really likes this certain pornstar, Sweetie Fox, who is also a cosplayer. I, 32 F, was actually the one who introduced her to him. I've known she was a pornstar, but I really liked her for being a visual artist. She draws cool anime-like illustrations. And yes, she's also a cosplayer. Since introducing her to my boyfriend, she had been his favorite. I don't mind it that much because I know the likelihood of them meeting in person is far from reality so I just let him fantasize about her. Although there are circumstances when I would feel a bit insecure whenever he so comfortably opens up about how she's really hot and cute at the same time. That she has a banging body with a face of an angel. Granted that I am in no way close to how Sweetie Fox's body look like, he never really gave me any compliment about my physical appearance, although he was always appreciative of me in other aspects. He messaged me out of the blue this afternoon asking if I wish to come with him to see Sweetie Fox on her next Asian tour. I answered coldly with a "no." To me, it feels like he's asking me to spend money to go to another country to watch him ogle at another woman. I may let him indulge about his appreciation for Sweetie at times, but I just feel like he's too dense and can be really insensitive sometimes. Am I overreacting?

I don’t want to get back together with him. It has been nearly a decade of no contact, and we have both moved on with our lives. We met in a cult.

To make a long story short, two young vulnerable people joined a self help group. We had both been in the group for several years. There were arranged relationships, which we participated in. We dated for a year and a half while in the cult.

It went south when he suddenly left. He ended things with me, quit his job, and moved away. Not only was I devastated, but the group hierarchy proceeded to blame me for him leaving. I was not allowed to contact him moving forward.

I left the cult four years ago. I spent years telling myself he was just the crappy boyfriend I had when I was nineteen. Now, I’ve been in therapy and I’m working through some PTSD issues from this period of time.

My therapist has suggested reaching out to my ex to get some closure. We were abused together by a high-control group led by two narcissists. She thinks it might be worth reaching out to talk about some things that happened. I don’t even know where I would begin.

Is this a good idea? I trust my therapist, she is awesome and has helped me heal from a lot of painful experiences in my life. I’ve spoken with and have had many healing conversations with other people I was in the group with. But for some reason, I’m balking at this.

Has anyone had a remotely similar experience of reaching out to an ex that you went through something with? Was it a healthy and productive conversation, or a waste of time?

Again, I have no interest in getting back together with him or being involved romantically at all. I am happily married (honestly!) and my husband is super supportive of my big ole healing journey lol.

Thanks, long time listener and first time poster. This is a throwaway account, but I’m a fan of the show. I need some objective advice from online strangers.

Edit: spelling errors

Essentially, my (36F)  father (68M) decided not to come to my wedding last month so that he could avoid having to see my mother. I’ll try to keep this to the point, even though there is a lot of context that I feel could be useful. My mother left my father 15 years ago. My father has never gotten over this and has chosen to allow his bitterness and resentment to more or less ruin his life. He’s finally in (what I would consider to be) a semi-healthy and happy position, which was a great relief when my fiance and I began wedding planning. I have stressed over the logistics of the concept of my wedding for years, just knowing that would require my parents to be in the same room together.

Within the last 6 months or so, my father and I started butting heads. I felt like he wasn’t putting any effort into our relationship, so I (very gently) asked for him to try a little bit harder. He absolutely exploded at me when I did this, calling me a bunch of names and insulting my maturity level as we spoke over the phone. I ended up cursing him out and hung up because frankly, I was not expecting that. Our relationship was, understandably, strained following this incident. Honestly, I was so angry that I considered uninviting him from the wedding in that moment but I decided to let it go and move on. I wish I could say I was taking the high road, but it was mostly because I became suspicious that maybe he was lashing out in an effort to get himself kicked off the guest list so that he could avoid seeing my mom and have it technically not be his fault?

A few weeks after that blow out, I called him to discuss wedding day logistics. At some point, he cut me off to say that AT MOST he would arrive right at the beginning of the ceremony, walk me down the aisle, and then leave immediately after. I told him that was unacceptable and asked him to, for once in his life, put me and my feelings ahead of his own, as I felt that was only fair on my LITERAL WEDDING DAY. He said he’d think about it and hung up.

After hearing absolutely nothing for almost a week, I sent him an ultimatum (ill-advised, I know, but I needed an answer, I couldn’t continue to spiral over the unknown): attend my wedding like a normal person, play nice for a few hours (at least to take part in the father daughter dance and maybe hear some speeches?) or don’t come at all. The thought of him showing up at the last second, white-knuckling his way through the ceremony and then disappearing right after was way more painful to me than the thought of him not coming at all and, frankly, felt a hell of a lot more dramatic.

He chose option B. He sent me a text, where he made some strange, unprovoked comments about not wanting to cause a scene and get in a fight with my mom’s husband (which was honestly a major concern of mine); he worded everything in such a way to make himself out as the victim and that he was doing us all a favour by stepping back. My dad’s signature move is to play the martyr and let me tell you, he did not disappoint. I haven’t spoken to him since. He did not say anything on my wedding day and has only sent me a half assed text a few weeks ago telling me that he ‘did what was best for me’ and that I ‘don’t know how hard it was for him not to be there’ and to ‘take whatever time I need before talking to him again’. Thanks for the permission.

Anyhoo, I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has been through something similar and has any insight? How do you forgive your father for choosing to miss such an important moment in your life? Unfortunately, talking to him about my feelings isn’t really an option, as it’s much akin to talking to a brick wall. He’s a British Boomer (apologies to any UK readers), so self reflection doesn’t exactly come naturally to him, nor does the concept of admitting fault. He’s not once attempted to apologize to me and only seems capable of blaming my mother or myself for his behaviour. I fear this is just going to end with me having to swallow my feelings and pretend everything is fine, but it just seems so unfair that that is how every single one of our disputes seems to end. He’s not a bad father but he’s definitely not a good one either; I hate how guilty I feel for ‘punishing’ him with silence. I’m just not sure where to go from here.. And after missing his birthday yesterday, I thought maybe I could use some outside perspective. Thank you for reading and for any input you may have!! 

This is NEEDING an update.
TLDR: object found in OP’s sons room turned out to be a cats microchip and the son will not elaborate on where he got it.

OK, bear with me. This may be a little bit too long. Also TW?

Some backstory, I was with my ex fiancé (David) for 3 1/2 years. We officially broke up in May 2019 when I was 27 and he was 34. The relationship was really toxic and emotionally abusive. He had very severe trust issues and insecurities. I tried to be understanding and I hoped that it would get better overtime. It just got worse. I had to take photos anytime I was out of the house to prove where I was and who I was with. He would flip out if I missed a call. He put cameras around the house to watch when I would leave. He would pop up at my job or even the grocery store to make sure I was “really there.” He controlled what I wore and told me I was a trying to get attention if I wore make up or a cute dress. If I complained he would call me names and belittle me for hours until I broke down. I look back now and realize I was very passive and I didn’t fight him because I couldn’t take it and I was genuinely afraid of him. I eventually stopped seeing my family and friends, stopped taking care of myself, stopped trying to be happy. I was so ashamed, I didn’t want anyone to know. I just let it happen. I only tried to tell his family once, but they just brushed me off, so I kept quiet.
After he proposed, his controlling and abusive behavior got to be too much and I knew I needed to leave and end the relationship. But once he knew I wanted to leave, he started escalating. When I brought up breaking up, he would tell me that he would kill me or he would shoot me or he’d threaten to kill himself. He took his gun out of the lock box and put it on the bedside table and told me if I try to sneak out while he was asleep “you know what will happen”. One time I tried to get past him when he blocked the door and he threw me into the wall. When I threatened to call the police, he said that he would hurt himself and tell the police that I attacked him first. He even said that they would probably arrest me instead of him because I’m black and he’s white, so who are they going to believe.

I eventually came to the conclusion that the only way for me to safely leave was to make him think that it was his idea. It took months of planning and manipulation on my part so he would eventually just let me go. I secretly found a place and started slowly moving my things out. Then when I could get movers I unplugged the cameras while he was at work and left. He never knew where I went.

I blocked David on social media but I was still following his sister. Six months after we broke up, his sister made a post congratulating her brother and her new sister in law saying she was excited to meet her new niece or nephew. So, I guess within 6 months of our break up he met someone else, let’s call her Sydney, and they were engaged and she was pregnant with their first child. At the time, I did think about warning her, but I realized she was already pregnant and she probably wouldn’t believe me. I also had no proof.

Sydney first reached out in 2023 because David had started to become physically abusive to the extent of leaving bruises. This was happening in front of their two children. When she tried to tell his family, they didn’t believe her because he was “perfectly fine in his last relationship.” They used our “happy relationship“ to prove that David wasn’t controlling or abusive and that SHE was the problem. She asked if that was true, and I told her no. I just never told anyone and I was too afraid to fight back or trigger him. At the time, all Sydney wanted was validation that it was not all her, like David and his family were claiming. That it was actually a pattern of behavior that was escalating. She said David and his family were making her feel crazy and she felt stuck and confused. I reassured her, but I eventually told her that I didn’t want to continue communication because reliving the trauma was too much. She said she understood and wished me the best.

She just reached out again last week, saying that she needed to talk to me and that it was urgent. I called her back and she explained that she had decided to stay with him after our conversation a few years ago. She had hoped that he would try to do better for the sake of their children and they could make it work. But the abuse continued. They recently split up again and were trying to coparent.
She said that last week she came to pick up her kids from his house and after arguing about feeding the kids, he hit her in the back. That’s when she decided she had enough. She called the police and he was arrested for a misdemeanor. His mom , Brenda, bailed him out the same day.
Sydney then went to file a restraining order against him and provided videos and photos of some of the incidents that occurred in the past.
The DA called her and said that they were granting the restraining order as well as charging him with 3 counts of battery, felony assault, etc. They put out a warrant for his arrest and he was facing some serious jail time.
She said the reason she was calling me was because after his arrest last week, Brenda called Sydney and threatened her. She said she will tell the court that Sydney was actually the abusive one and that David was only defending himself. Brenda said she would use all the tools at her disposal including his cousin in the police force and his father who is a multimillionaire. Brenda also threatened to take the children from her by filing cps claims and taking her to court for custody. Sydney is terrified of losing her children.
The thing is, Brenda has done this before and actually won. She has was able to get full custody of David’s two nieces back when we were still together, because she did exactly what she’s threatening Sydney with. David’s brother Jared was an alcoholic and physically abusive, so Brenda told the court that the home and both the parents were unstable and that she should have the children. The court granted her custody of the kids, and she refused to let their mother see them, but would allow Jared to stop by anytime he wanted.
If Brenda goes through with her threats, Sydney asked me to provide a written statement to DA to prove that this is a pattern of abusive behavior from David. She said she doesn’t have any family to help her and she’s fighting this all alone. I want to help her, but I really don’t want to get involved with the court system. I don’t want to have to testify against my ex who I haven’t spoken to in over seven years. Plus, I don’t have any proof of what happened. I deleted all of our messages, I don’t have photos of the bruises, and I didn’t tell any of my family or friends until after I left.
Would a statement from me really even do anything? Would I be the A hole if I choose not to get involved, and I don’t write the statement to the DA? What should I do?

Mini Update:

Thank you to everyone who commented and gave advice. Many of you were right. My biggest concern was for the safety of myself and my family. I obviously came here for guidance and perspective because it’s been weighing on me. My husband is aware of the abuse I experienced and he’s been very supportive throughout the years while I worked through it in therapy, but he’s very much against me getting involved. Now that we have a family, he’s afraid that if I make a statement, David will find us and retaliate. And considering the nature of the threats he’s made in the past, it could be deadly, especially if he feels like he has nothing left to lose. Of course I want to protect Sydney and her children, but not at the expense of my own.

Now for a quick update on David:
I called Sydney back this evening. David was arrested yesterday and he’s been booked into county jail. He was arraigned today. They raided his home and noticed a few of his Registered weapons were unaccounted for, so he was denied bail. His dad showed up to the hearing and said he had the weapons at one of his houses a few hours away. I don’t know if this is true, but They told him he has until Friday to relinquish all of David’s firearms. If he turns them in, then bail will be set for $550k. His dad has the money to bail him out, but I’m not sure if he’ll do it. They think he’s going to take a plea deal because of the severity of some of the charges, but he’s still working on his defense.

As for Sydney, they granted the protective order for both her and the kids. I think it’s for 3 years. But they still have to go to family court for custody regarding the child endangerment? The DA said that they would like a statement from me to help keep the protective order in place. I told her I would be open to speaking with the DA but I did express my concerns regarding safety and asked if my statement could be anonymous. She couldn’t tell me if they would allow that, but said that the DA would assist with a restraining order for myself if I give a statement. They may call me tomorrow or Friday.

When my husband got home from work I told him that I spoke with Sydney and I agreed to speak with the DA. Now he’s really upset with me. He says I’m potentially endangering our family and destroying our peace for a situation I escaped from 7 years ago. I just feel terrible either way, like saving their family may harm my own. But I’m trying to do the right thing. I’ll know more after my call this week. Wish me luck

Me and my uncle work at the same business. He’s worked there a lot longer than I have and he’s one of the higher ups within the company. A little background of me, I’m trans, I’ve been out since high school and mostly everyone in my life accepts me and respects my new identity. My uncle isn’t one of those people. He votes differently than I do and is very Christian and he doesn’t believe in being trans or gay or any of that. I’m not ashamed of being trans but I also don’t like to make it my whole personality and it’s not something I share with just anyone.

So down to the point, the other day at work a coworker of mine had out of nowhere asked if I go by he/him pronouns. I thought this was weird cause over the 2 years or so that we’ve worked together he’s never asked me this and has referred to me by he/him pronouns. But I answered him and said yes and then he added that my uncle had shared to him that I was trans and wasn’t cis. He said he thought that was crazy cause he would’ve never guessed and said something along the lines of that “I pass really well” and that he never would’ve known unless my uncle had said something.

What my coworker said is a problem in itself but I was completely shocked. I purposely don’t share me being trans. Especially at work where there are a lot of people who believe in the same things my uncle believes and I wouldn’t feel safe at all giving that information out.

So now I’m wondering if I should report this to hr. I don’t know if my uncle has told anyone else. Luckily the coworker I mentioned is very accepting and our ideals align and I already knew out of everyone he’d be chill but I can’t be sure that’s the only person he told. I don’t know if this was malicious or if it just came out in conversation but either way it crosses a boundary and is unprofessional coming from my boss. So WIBTAH for reporting my uncle to hr?

This is my first post so please be kind, i was not sure where post this, but ultimately i decided on this sub. I always listen to the pod and you guys always give great advice.

So, its spooky season, but i dont mean it the fun way. I have encountered many weird male ones before, had some issues with people forcing themselves onto me. I might be going crazy, im just so over being scared of someone who is just probably being nice to me.

Im travelling rn, writing this while on the train, its not even 5 in the morning and a random, questionable looking man walks by, when he comes back he has two beers with him (both alcohol free) and puts one on my desk while im talking to my literal boyfriend on ft. I was shocked so coulndt say anything and immediately after another guy came to check my ticket and he was weird af as well. He asked me if he should open it for me, like no thanks? He leaves and comes back from the door to say: ”for that smile i would bring a bottle of whiskey”-and leaves again.

Not even a minute later, guess who is back? this fucking dude is walking up to me notices that im talking on the phone so proceeds to sit down in the seats beside me and streches out like this is the most normal thing ever.

These two have been walking up and down in the aisle next to me, like dont you have work or a seat somewhere else?

I really wanted to get some sleep, bc its a long way there, but now my bf is on call with me and i cant even move from my seat without being anxious that they are “watching me”. My bf said that this is a bit sus and he wont ever let me travel alone. So now im sitting here tired af and wondering:

Am i being an asshole for not trusting in a kind a gesture or are men this creepy?

For the brownie recipe 😭

I have a coworker who is genuinely one of the most exhausting people I've ever had to work with, and I cannot figure out what makes someone behave like this in their mid-40s.

For context, she's Mormon, has two daughters, and had an affair with a married man that resulted in a child. From what I've been told, she continues to lie to her family about what happened and maintains the appearance that everything is fine.

The irony is that our boss is the one who told everyone about the affair. There was no apparent work-related reason for us to know. He was just gossiping.

And she's an enormous gossip herself. She will tell absolutely anyone who will listen — and sometimes people who clearly don't want to listen — other people's personal business. If something happens in someone's life, you can practically guarantee she'll be telling someone else about it. She seems to have no problem sharing other people's private information, yet her own life is full of things she apparently doesn't want people to know.

At work, she also has a habit of exaggerating how much work she does, taking credit for things, and trying to blame other people when she makes mistakes rather than admitting she messed up. Instead of owning her mistakes and moving on like a normal adult, she seems to find someone else to pin them on.

The frustrating part is that she gets special treatment because she's known our boss the longest. So we have someone who gossips about everyone, doesn't seem willing to take accountability for her mistakes, and allegedly misrepresents her workload, yet she still gets preferential treatment.

Then there's her family situation.

She has two daughters who are struggling with the fact that they don't look alike. Apparently, they're upset about their differences and are having something of an identity crisis over it. What they don't know is that they're actually half-sisters. They don't know the full story about their biological relationship, which makes the situation even sadder because they're trying to make sense of something without having all the information.

None of this is the children's fault, and I genuinely feel bad for them.

Her marriage is apparently a mess, too. Her husband reportedly keeps quitting jobs, leaving her to work and support the household while he goes out drinking kava and allegedly cheats on her.

I realize that relationships are complicated, and I don't know every detail of what happens behind closed doors. But from the outside, it looks like a never-ending cycle of dishonesty, irresponsibility, and drama.

What I can't wrap my head around is the contradiction. She seems perfectly comfortable exposing everyone else's business while keeping her own secrets. She appears to have no problem blaming others for her mistakes, yet expects people to accept what she says about her work. And despite being in her mid-40s, she still seems to thrive on the kind of gossip and drama I'd expect from high school.

Part of me wonders whether the religious shame and pressure to maintain a certain image have something to do with it. Is she trying so hard to maintain appearances that she can't admit the truth, even to herself? Or is that giving her too much credit, and she's simply someone who likes attention, avoids accountability, and has learned that she can get away with it?

I'm not saying she's incapable of changing or that she deserves to be miserable. But I'm tired of watching the behavior affect the people around her, especially at work, where our boss's favoritism makes it even harder to deal with.

So, Reddit: Do you think this kind of behavior can come from internalized shame and insecurity, or is it more likely that she's just developed a pattern of gossiping, lying, and blaming everyone else because it's worked for her? And how would you deal with a coworker like this when management seems to favor her?

Sorry my post got taken down! AND DISCLAIMER THE PHOTO OF THE TOILET HAS WAX IN IT!!
Hey I have posted before about my roommate Allie and her relationship mess, but now things have gotten worse.
Allie is my RA and was assigned to be my roommate randomly so I had no idea what I was getting into. I have different medical conditions that require me to be in a single room where I can control the air conditioning. I learned very quickly that Allie loves the room at 88 degrees F while I have to have the room, due to my medical conditions in the range of 68-71. I have told Allie this and she tells me she will fix it, then an hour later, and the air is back on heat at 88. Another thing that doesn’t help is Allie is a slob (pictures will be added), she never cleans up her food, does her dishes, cleans her spit out of the sink, she doesn’t even flush the toilet. It GROSS. I have cleaned up after her before because I can’t live in a mess but when I stop the mess becomes unbelievable. I again tried to talk to Allie and I got yelled at and she slammed the door and left for the night. I don’t know what to do anymore, she never helps and is making my life at school so much worse, idk what to do anymore.

TW: SA
I have been so nervous to post this so here goes!
I 34F ghosted my best friend 34F of 20 years. At the start of the year I started to notice I didn’t agree with the way she was dealing with certain situations. For example, her son who is 14 was involved in a pretty serious situation where he received explicit photos of a girl and shared them around. The police were involved and she told them he was “tricked” in to sharing them and instead of reprimanding him she bought him a new gaming console and took him to a concert to help him deal with the stress he went through. I voiced that I didn’t think he should be rewarded for this kind of behaviour but she was sticking to her guns that he didn’t know what he was doing.
Then there was a falling out with her BIL and she told her husband he wasn’t welcome around them anymore and threw an accusation out of r@p3 from the BIL which turned out to be that she had slept with him before her and her husband had gotten together. This was proven because a few people came forward and had said she told them they had slept together. This had caused the brother to spiral because he was exiled from the family, his wife left him, wasn’t allowed to see his kids, lost his job and turned heavily to drugs.
This is where I started to take a step back. I was always the one to message first every day and so when I stopped messaging we never had any conversations after that, except for me sending a happy birthday message to her but again nothing from there. It has now been 3 months with no word and I do get that friends can drift apart but I also feel like I was the only one holding the friendship afloat. So I’m wondering AITA in this situation?