(Thanks for the direction. I'm still trying to work the double twist, but it might be too hard to follow verbally)

 Muffin has been our cat for fifteen years.  I say our cat, but she’s really MY cat.  At dinner last night my wife said it’s time for me to put Muffin down…….said she hates seeing her on the table every night.

Reluctantly I set Muffin on the floor.

My wife just needs to give me time to adjust, I mean it’s only been five weeks since Muffin died.

And the urn is beautiful.

(Edit: If it's too unwieldy with the double twist, how about I stick the second part in as a callback later, something like oh, yeah, my wife finally allowed me to put muffin on the side table, good compromise....and now Muffin has a beautiful urn)

It's hard sometimes, though, being a stoner with ADHD. Like, let's take two demographics who are widely known to be the type of people who could forget to breathe, and let's mash those together into one person. And I have depression, too. I'm like a forgetfulness Voltron.

I was talking to my boss about that recently, and she said "Yeah, but you just gotta learn ways to work around it. I'm forgetful, too."

And I said "No, you don't understand. You know those times you find yourself standing in a doorway for like 5 minutes, trying to figure out what the hell you went in there for? I'VE DONE THAT IN THE BATHROOM!"

Do you know how stupid you feel when you finally go "Oh! I came in here to pee!"

Going in a different direction. Just a rough draft

Having an older wife was fun.
Don’t worry, we’re just divorced. She wasn’t that much older than me.

There was so much sex at first. But never after 7:30pm. I wanted to Netflix and chill, she wanted to Grays Anatomy and be left the fuck alone.
( grays anatomy and rest her eyes?)

She had more life experience. She taught me things like how it’s cool to like butt stuff
and also how to mail a birthday card

Trust became an issue. She was always worried that I was going to cheat on her with a younger woman.
She really underestimated how special she was to me.
And how much I loved, that she couldn’t get pregnant anymore

I was telling her a story from work once and she goes “ugh you need to grow up.”
I was confused. Like ‘What? Why? But I thought you liked that…’ but then I was like ‘wait, I need to grow up? You’re 42 and still rocking nipple rings…’ you’ve had those things long enough to vote in two elections and I’m the one that needs to grow up?

The truth is we both needed to grow up. She was too old for nipple rings and I was too old to accidentally shit my pants trying to fart into a walkey talkey.

Having an older wife was fun. We’d talk about life and stuff. Sometimes it made her feel like a creep though. Like someone asked where she was on 9/11 and she said “ I was at work.”
I looked at her and said ‘I was in Mrs. Bequette’s second period reading class. We were listening to Hatchet on tape.’

i don't understand people committing suicide. it's stupid. i know life can be hard, believe me, I've been there. There were times in my life when i was depressed and hopeless and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. but then i had sex for the first time.