r/StandUpWorkshop • • 10h ago

Muffin V2

3 Upvotes

(Thanks for the direction. I'm still trying to work the double twist, but it might be too hard to follow verbally)

 Muffin has been our cat for fifteen years.  I say our cat, but she’s really MY cat.  At dinner last night my wife said it’s time for me to put Muffin down…….said she hates seeing her on the table every night.

Reluctantly I set Muffin on the floor.

My wife just needs to give me time to adjust, I mean it’s only been five weeks since Muffin died.

And the urn is beautiful.

(Edit: If it's too unwieldy with the double twist, how about I stick the second part in as a callback later, something like oh, yeah, my wife finally allowed me to put muffin on the side table, good compromise....and now Muffin has a beautiful urn)


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 16h ago

Older Wife (v2)

0 Upvotes

Going in a different direction. Just a rough draft

Having an older wife was fun.
Don’t worry, we’re just divorced. She wasn’t that much older than me.

There was so much sex at first. But never after 7:30pm. I wanted to Netflix and chill, she wanted to Grays Anatomy and be left the fuck alone.
( grays anatomy and rest her eyes?)

She had more life experience. She taught me things like how it’s cool to like butt stuff
and also how to mail a birthday card

Trust became an issue. She was always worried that I was going to cheat on her with a younger woman.
She really underestimated how special she was to me.
And how much I loved, that she couldn’t get pregnant anymore

I was telling her a story from work once and she goes “ugh you need to grow up.”
I was confused. Like ‘What? Why? But I thought you liked that…’ but then I was like ‘wait, I need to grow up? You’re 42 and still rocking nipple rings…’ you’ve had those things long enough to vote in two elections and I’m the one that needs to grow up?

The truth is we both needed to grow up. She was too old for nipple rings and I was too old to accidentally shit my pants trying to fart into a walkey talkey.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 16h ago

Need a punchline to finish this bit off

3 Upvotes

It's hard sometimes, though, being a stoner with ADHD. Like, let's take two demographics who are widely known to be the type of people who could forget to breathe, and let's mash those together into one person. And I have depression, too. I'm like a forgetfulness Voltron.

I was talking to my boss about that recently, and she said "Yeah, but you just gotta learn ways to work around it. I'm forgetful, too."

And I said "No, you don't understand. You know those times you find yourself standing in a doorway for like 5 minutes, trying to figure out what the hell you went in there for? I'VE DONE THAT IN THE BATHROOM!"

Do you know how stupid you feel when you finally go "Oh! I came in here to pee!"


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 17h ago

wrote my first joke ever.

0 Upvotes

i don't understand people committing suicide. it's stupid. i know life can be hard, believe me, I've been there. There were times in my life when i was depressed and hopeless and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. but then i had sex for the first time.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 1d ago

Older wife

0 Upvotes

Having an older wife was fun. We’d talk about life and stuff. Sometimes it made her feel like a creep though. Like someone asked where she was on 9/11 and she said “ I was at work.”
I looked at her and said ‘I was in Mrs. Bequette’s second period reading class. We were listening to Hatchet on tape.’


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 1d ago

Need help with this bit

1 Upvotes

My dads from a rural part of India. Where hes from they didnt keep records. So legally he didnt have a name on paper. When he went to Ireland with my mom the doctors said thats okay heres a list of names you can pick whatever you want and he said okay ill be Lawrence. My dad recently met my girlfriend Tess. Shes a trangender woman. My dads transphobic. He doesnt like that she picked a new name when she transitioned because he thinks it was disrecpectful to her parents. I said hey you both have a lot in common. you both have dead names, neither of you knows how to drive and I cant please either of you.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 1d ago

Working at a ski resort

1 Upvotes

[I can't decide how to flesh this out a little better. For context, I work at a weed dispensary now, but worked at a ski resort for a long time.]

"The ski resort job was interesting, cause you're operating dangerous, heavy machinery, but you're also a ski bum. It's one of those jobs where the customers know you're stoned, your boss suspects you're stoned, and you really...really shouldn't be stoned."


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 1d ago

Muffin

2 Upvotes

We got our cat, Muffin, in 2011.  I say our cat, but she’s really MY cat.  My wife told me yesterday it’s time I put her down…..especially while we’re at the table eating dinner.

(wait for it to register)

My wife told me she knows how much I love that cat, but it’s been five weeks since Muffin died.

I really don’t get it.  It’s a beautiful urn.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 1d ago

Is this reference too dated?

20 Upvotes

I'm doing my first ever set in a month at an open mic, and I want to open with this one-liner, but i can't decide if it's too dated or not.

"You guys ever notice how David Copperfield just kinda disappeared one day?"


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 2d ago

Couch co-op NSFW

0 Upvotes

I miss how you could play couch co-op games with your bros on all the old console games. Everything was multiplayer, even the porn games. Leisure Suit Larry’s 2-player mode only supported 1 controller, but player 1 got to use it with both hands.

If someone remastered and re-released that game, it could solve the male loneliness epidemic.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 2d ago

Et Tu, Gary?

0 Upvotes

Back in the Me Too days, I was shocked when Garrison Keillor got accused. I didn't even know he was Jewish!


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 2d ago

You have to take your hat off to barbers and brain surgeons.

6 Upvotes

r/StandUpWorkshop • • 2d ago

The Navy

0 Upvotes

Everyone says that the navy is the gayest branch of the military. They’re kinda right. I was in the navy when they repealed Don’t ask Don’t Tell and when the news dropped… nothing changed.

I was in a navy construction unit. Sailor construction workers. We were already half of the village people.

Is there something here?


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 2d ago

Heart Burn

0 Upvotes

Heartburn won't ever be a problem for me. My blood is mostly water.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 2d ago

Toblerone

0 Upvotes

I was eating a really nasty Toblerone the other day, then I realized it was a weird poo.

*THIS NEXT PART IS NOT A JOKE* This joke has a nice Steve Martin anti-joke quality that people seem to like, I just want to know if anyone has a good idea on how to develop this quality further


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 2d ago

Jokes about Cleaning

1 Upvotes

I do all the cleaning at home. I'm a self-maid man

My cleaner comes into my home office once a month, looks around, shakes her head and leaves. She told me I should keep it tidier, and that instead of calling her my cleaner, I should call her my wife.

I commit to using furniture polish every day. That's my pledge

My wife got frustrated I wasn't using the toilet brush. In my defence, I struggled to use the tiny pot, and the brush bristles tickled my ass

I jet washed out front last week. It's come up really well, but it was a bugger explaining to the neighbours why I had a plane on the drive

When we moved house, we kept all the previous owners' fixtures and fittings. It was quite annoying. I had to play 6 badminton matches and get measured for a wedding dress.

I don't understand my wife. She was pleased when I said our kitchen floor was clean enough to eat our dinner off, yet when I sat us down to eat...

My wife insisted we pay £249 for a special Hoover for pet owners. Bloody dog won't even use it.

My wife seems to have a Hoover obsession. Last night, for example, she must have said 20 times, 'Hoover hell is Kiara?'

My wife is Slovak. The other day, she took 30 minutes just to Hoover one room.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 2d ago

Drunk shame

5 Upvotes

I used to feel so much shame for the dumb things I would do when I was drunk. I had nobody to blame. But I tried. The dog took a lot of heat for some shit she didn’t do. I’d be like “babe, I think the dog pissed in the closet last night.” And my wife would be like “really? That’s an awfully big puddle for a min-pin. But ok. I wonder who trained her to say fuck those Uggs while she pissed for two whole minutes. Is she the one that fell through the shower curtain too?”


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 2d ago

Tips on how to write comedy on traumatic events?

1 Upvotes

Hey everyone, I was wanting to try to write sets on pretty personal dark things like abuse/SA, but unsure on how to go about it. Are there any comedians that you know of who have successfully pulled it off?
Any ideas and advice would be highly appreciated, TIA!!


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 3d ago

Acknowledging my trans-ness

5 Upvotes

[Context: I'm a trans woman, and it's generally pretty obvious]

So, as you can see, I am...[valley girl voice] not like other girls. But, you know, I'm not so different from you. I'm like any other woman, I put my skirt on one testicle at a time


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 3d ago

Cougar Dating V3

0 Upvotes

Edit using comments of V2

When I was your age I wanted to date a cougar, you know, a woman way older than me.

At my age, if I wanted to date a cougar…I’d have to dig her up from the grave. 

Oooh, what if I found the grave of a woman I knew!

I wouldn’t call her a cougar, she’d be a saber toothless tiger.

And she would be drop dead gorgeous!

Wow, what if I had a threesome with my wife and the saber toothless tiger.  Never had a threesome... when one of them was my mother-in-law.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 3d ago

I hate when family photos are delivered on my doorstep

0 Upvotes

The photos are absolutely terrible, the photos will come out all wrinkled, they're super small and worst of all at the bottom of the photo, it says "send $2000 or we will kill them"

I would rather go in and get it done myself.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 4d ago

Dentist (be nice lol)

0 Upvotes

I started having a lot of pain and shit recently and decided to go and have it looked at

This guy looks me over and says he thinks its an abscess but wants to do a prostate exam to make sure its not that

I was so confused and after some back and forth I figured, you know what, he's a professional he must know what he's doing. I don't know how this stuff works

Looking back at it now, It was my tooth that was bothering me so I think I need a new dentist..


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 4d ago

Birthday Card

2 Upvotes

On my birthday my son sent me a homemade card that read “The older I get, the more I realize how much you’ve influenced my thinking and how I show up in the world.”   (long pause)  I got a little teary-eyed.

Inside the envelope there was also a note that said “I think these belong to you”  and attached to that note were his therapy bills.

I was so touched I sent him $100 for his…. in-patient commissary account.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 5d ago

Medical pimping

2 Upvotes

Hey all, thoughts on this? Whether I should reveal what "pimping" is earlier on, or later on?

I’ve just finished medical school. So apparently I’m a doctor now. Which is concerning if you know me. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. There’s something about medical education that I think the public deserves to know. We get pimped. A lot.

It’s actually a compulsory part of our training.
Usually by a much older, more experienced doctor.
Sometimes several times a day. And it can happen anywhere. In a corridor, at the bedside, occasionally in front of the patient’s entire family.

I didn’t realise this was unusual until I mentioned it to a friend outside medicine.

She asked, “How was your day?”
I said, “Oh, not bad. Got pimped by the consultant.”
“Sorry?”
“Yeah, in front of six people. The patient watched.”
“Did you get paid?”
“No. Medical students don’t get paid.”
“Does the hospital know?”
“Oh, absolutely. They encourage it.”
“And the consultant?”
“Oh, he’s very experienced. Been doing it to students for thirty years.”

By the way, pimping is when a senior doctor quizzes a junior on increasingly difficult medical questions, usually in front of an audience, until the junior doctor forgets everything they’ve ever learnt. Apparently it’s a teaching technique.

And in any other profession, if your boss cornered you in a corridor, interrogated you and announced your incompetence to six witnesses, you’d contact HR.
In medicine, you thank them for the learning opportunity.

My medical school actually made us write reflections about it.
So I’d write:

“I was fortunate enough to be publicly dismantled by my consultant this morning.”
“This invaluable learning opportunity highlighted several important gaps in my medical knowledge. Most notably… all of it.”
“I initially experienced feelings of inadequacy, distress, and a strong desire to pursue an alternative career in comedy.”

Which, as you can see, is going tremendously.

“However, upon further reflection, I recognised that the consultant’s decision to humiliate me in front of twelve colleagues was, in fact, an excellent opportunity for personal growth.”
“Moving forward, I intend to demonstrate greater resilience.”

That’s the beauty of reflective practice, the most important thing I’ve learnt? If someone’s going to pimp you, at least make sure you’re getting paid.

PS. Loving the sub, and all the constructive feedback so far!!! Thanks so much.


r/StandUpWorkshop • • 5d ago

Tips for improving this joke?

3 Upvotes

When you go to the Dr, you'd want them to be calm, confident, and atheist. Im allowed to believe in god but you aren't. I dont want a dr believing that when im gone, i'll be in a better place. No. When im in surgery, I'd want my doctor to believe that if i die, im gone forever. In fact, ideally, I’d like my surgeon to believe that HE is God. Because if I start bleeding out on the operating table, I don’t want him saying, “It’s in God’s hands now.” ... No, theyre in YOUR hands now.

So anyway....Im not calm, or confident...but I am an atheist....

And Im a doctor... god isn't coming to save you...unfortunately Im not smart enough to either...good luck there...