We got our cat, Muffin, in 2011.  I say our cat, but she’s really MY cat.  My wife told me yesterday it’s time I put her down…..especially while we’re at the table eating dinner.

(wait for it to register)

My wife told me she knows how much I love that cat, but it’s been five weeks since Muffin died.

I really don’t get it.  It’s a beautiful urn.

My dads from a rural part of India. Where hes from they didnt keep records. So legally he didnt have a name on paper. When he went to Ireland with my mom the doctors said thats okay heres a list of names you can pick whatever you want and he said okay ill be Lawrence. My dad recently met my girlfriend Tess. Shes a trangender woman. My dads transphobic. He doesnt like that she picked a new name when she transitioned because he thinks it was disrecpectful to her parents. I said hey you both have a lot in common. you both have dead names, neither of you knows how to drive and I cant please either of you.

I miss how you could play couch co-op games with your bros on all the old console games. Everything was multiplayer, even the porn games. Leisure Suit Larry’s 2-player mode only supported 1 controller, but player 1 got to use it with both hands.

If someone remastered and re-released that game, it could solve the male loneliness epidemic.

[I can't decide how to flesh this out a little better. For context, I work at a weed dispensary now, but worked at a ski resort for a long time.]

"The ski resort job was interesting, cause you're operating dangerous, heavy machinery, but you're also a ski bum. It's one of those jobs where the customers know you're stoned, your boss suspects you're stoned, and you really...really shouldn't be stoned."

Back in the Me Too days, I was shocked when Garrison Keillor got accused. I didn't even know he was Jewish!

I'm doing my first ever set in a month at an open mic, and I want to open with this one-liner, but i can't decide if it's too dated or not.

"You guys ever notice how David Copperfield just kinda disappeared one day?"