Hi. I decided to try asking for typing help here too, bc I'm honestly confused about myself. In Socionics I'm closer to ILI, so that might help somewhat, tho I don't believe in strict correlations. Second option is SLI. But this is MBTI, and I'd like to figure out which type I'm closer to here. The answers are based on a questionnaire, but I changed some stuff for easier reading, since I noticed that's more appreciated here. Would really appreciate the help.
The trait that made me doubt my type is probably my whole journey. Initially, I typed as ENTP. Then I took the test again a couple of years later and got INTP. And it just went from there. Now I regret getting so fixated on it. After I learned about functions, joined the community, got familiar with archetypes, I found myself in INFP so4w5 IEI. Because I'm an introverted person living in my dreams, which often conflict with the real world, with low self-esteem, a desire to be understood, to be cool, with inner anger and a desire for revenge on everyone who did me wrong, a striving to be unique, special, different from others so I get noticed. Not really relevant, but tbh, Jill Roberts' motive from Scream 4 feels close to me, probably the most relatable Ghostface. And I sometimes call myself a masochistic victim. Now I want to completely move away from any stereotypes and simplifications of my personality to gain an understanding of myself.
What I strive for in life is freedom. I don't like being loaded with a bunch of tasks that don't interest me, being put in a hypocritical place where everyone shouts about something that isn't true, where everything is soaked in lies and unnecessary, made-up rules, demands that don't align with common sense and don't consider people, their uniqueness and desires. I strive for my qualities and the complexity of my personality to be noticed, tho I'm more passive in this and wait for others to figure it out themselves, come up to me, ask, read this. And for me to live calmly, being okay and without anxiety.
A moment when I felt on top of the world was probably the end of the summer session a couple of months ago. I was writing a research paper with the strictest and most difficult woman on the faculty — everyone ran from her and was scared. And I got the highest grade, being the only one among all third-year students with her at that moment. Even tho I didn't try as hard as she might've wanted, and instead looked for loopholes everywhere to write this paper, go around here, do there, take from there, cheat somehow and try to beat the system itself. It was an incredible feeling inside when she told me I did it. I felt smart, unique. And then there was a literature exam I didn't prepare for. And I got the highest grade, relying only on my knowledge from the semester and my brain. My motto is: "Improvise and rely on your head". So yeah, I was on top of the world that period.
What makes me feel inadequate is something inside. I've felt all my life like I'm different, not fit or made for this world. For some reason, kids in my childhood mostly treated me badly, peers at school picked on me, bullied me, tho maybe that's a strong word, but I wanted to throw something sharp at every negative remark directed at me. There was abuse in my family. And I never found my place anywhere. Nowhere could I fully function, feel safe, express myself. And I often feel this inadequacy even now, tho I've really changed. I easily notice someone and think they're dressed better, joke funnier, perform more interestingly. And I compare with myself. And often in my head I lose, tho I desperately try to win in this made-up fight. It feels like for the demands of this fake, predictable world I'm not suitable, so I'm extra here, inadequate. Funny, but even the meaning of my name is "another" lol.
What usually influences my decisions is a lot of things. I look at the event, at potential decisions, reasoning about what consequences they have. It could be difficulty later, a thrown stone that'll come back and hit you on the head in a month. Or a damaged reputation among the group you're in, which could lead to neglect from them, less help if anything, which I don't want, since I've been through that at school. Or different contradictory results where I have to write pros/cons in my head, and from them highlight where there might be more pros in quantity, but the cons are more serious. Feelings can also be there, tho not that often, I don't understand them well, they just appear suddenly in response to an event, that bright red something that gets triggered and is sometimes poorly controlled. But you can't see what's happening inside me, I think.
When I work on a project, I concentrate on what can be done with all this. What options, prospects exist, how to start, what to take from the information, what tools to use, what colors to pick. Usually I start something and decide as I go, sometimes changing, correcting. I like diving into what's interesting, where you can play with what you have, that's where I look at the result too. But most things I'm forced to do are a product of someone else's wants from outside, like uni tasks, other authorities. And they often make no sense, and I often criticize them and say if it could've been done differently, why do it so idiotically?
Describing a time when I had real fun is a good question. I don't track my mood and state that much, preferring a calmer emotional background, very bright emotions and feelings aren't that frequent. So I don't even know how to describe it. When I'm having fun in general, I relax and control my expressions less, let out more emotions, which isn't really my thing in a normal state. Something grows inside me, in the chest area it gets lighter and warmer.
When I want to learn something new, I usually read something general, basic and meaningful about what I want to try, and then try it myself. Not that I like sitting for two days reading, studying before doing something, tho I want to understand. I realize the meaning, the essence more, and then do it based on that understanding. I don't want to sit, I want to do.
How organized I am depends on the goal. I can be organized where I'm interested, where I have the desire to work, but mostly I'm pretty random and lazy, can sometimes be late, misjudge time, which is why I often come early so I definitely won't be late. Overall, I can seem like an organized person if there's profit in it for me. And otherwise, however it goes, it goes. That's my life motto.
How I evaluate new ideas: is it interesting or not, does it cause a rush of mental stimulation, what can be gained from it. I see the idea and how it can be realized, how it'll look when you take this, put it on, do it, how it'll look and work overall. I think I look for principles more, tho info confirming them would be useful too.
Do I think before I speak or speak and then think? I think about a couple of thoughts, and then it's a stream and I improvise. I make it up as I go and sometimes jump from topic to topic, speech isn't always structured. Rather, whatever came to mind is what I said, even if I deviated a bit from the course.
Do I go straight to action or first figure out where I'm jumping? First I'll look at something plus or minus, but won't drown in that info. Again, I'll jump on a moving train, expecting to find my place at full speed. Of course, not completely without thinking, having weighed options, ideas, thoughts, and then like "fuck it, let's go, I'll deal with what comes out later when it's already happening and right in front of my nose".
