The food’s blueberry pancakes and coffee.

Whenever I’m with someone, and they ask if I have a girlfriend (I never do LMFAO), I just say I’ve been trying to get a girl from wherever the person asking the question is from, but it’s been difficult.

You should see the joy on their faces whenever I say that. Last weekend, I had a Pakistani Uber driver who was a bit chatty, and he asked me about my girlfriend, which was a bit invasive, but I don’t mind haha. And I mentioned that I was looking for a Pakistani girl. He was elated and started giving me tips on how to get one, but then said I should go for Indian ones because Pakistani ones are conservative and rarely date someone who isn’t muslim. He also called them lazy lol. He did mention they like black guys though (I’m black).

I’m in Scotland, and I do the same with my Scottish colleagues too. One of them claims to be anti-immigration and supports Nigel Farage, but when some of us from work went out for drinks, he started introducing me to every Scottish girl in the bar LMAO. He goes “this is my friend from xxxxx”.

Same thing with my Indian friends too.

I play in a league that has a bunch of ex G leaguers, ex college players, etc. Basically, everyone in the league is the best player in 99% of all pickup games at the gym/park.

My entire life has been basketball. My profession is, you guessed it, basketball. I'm a trainer, I work with players in the G league, college, WNBA, etc. I'm not the best player of all time by any measure, I never even made it to the NBA myself, but I've managed to do what I love for a living, which is awesome.

My wife is usually busy with her family, and because ball it literally life for me - I don't mind that she doesn't make it to the games often.

But, she showed up to her first game in 2 months tonight, and I put on a fucking SHOW, boys.

31 points, 12 assists, 11 rebounds, 4 blocks, 4 steals, 5 dunks, at the ripe old age of 38. I shook one guy straight out of his shoe. I was the fucking man tonight, and it feels pretty fucking great.

It's honestly so cool to show my wife some flashes of my prime. I'm so getting laid tonight.

Dinner is roasted barbecue chicken thighs, and some veggies. I will be eating this entire tray.

made the food a lil while ago but i’m not showing off the two bottles of wine ive had for dinner tonight. cod and asparagus with beurre blanc, peach and arugula crostinis with balsamic.

not gonna go into full details, too fresh. but three months of genuine connection ends with her telling me that she wants a relationship and cares deeply for me, while also not wanting a relationship since she needs to explore herself, but she doesn’t want to lose what we have. she was so worried that she would eventually ruin it that she just ruined it now instead of later.

boyfriend level effort for situationship level commitment just isn’t gonna fly. she spent most nights sleeping in my bed with me but got cold feet as soon as real feeling started to develop. i have too much to offer to the right person, and the right person isn’t gonna treat me like that.

i’ve had a pretty shit life, and i usually let people like that walk all over me for the slightest crumb of affection. really proud of myself for recognizing that she wasn’t the one no matter how much i wanted to give her the world.

the people in my life WILL be kind to me, and WILL treat me like they want me. at a bare minimum.

Dinner tonight was pho from a new pho place in town (it was okay, i’ll stick with my usual spot)

Sometimes I wonder just how much better off we would be, collectively as men, if it was normalized for us to have friendships the way women do. I (intentionally) follow a lot of women online who are part of what they call “the woman sphere” It’s basically women’s response to the manosphere.

A big topic a lot of these women talk about is womanhood and friendship, and kinship between women. I’ve also seen this play out time and time again from women in my life. Two of my good friends, they’re both women, and are each others best friends. The level of emotional intimacy they have between each other is incredibly high. I also saw this a lot with my ex girlfriend, and her best friend.

Obviously I am not saying it is entirely impossible for men to form friendships and kinships like this, in fact my best friend and I have a friendship that could be considered a bit like this. It’s also very obvious why this is the case. Our patriarchal society does not allow for the normalization of male vulnerability, and pushes back on platonic male on male intimacy. If men are “too close” to each other they’re labeled, or slandered as gay, or not enough of a man. To be clear, I’m not saying all this as if it’s some eureka, highly original concept, I’m sure this has been realized, and studied by many other people, in fact I’m sure many women noticed this way before many men have.

One of the biggest benefits I think men as a whole could have with overcoming this, is I think it would genuinely solve, or create the environment to solve the male loneliness epidemic. So many women are making the conscious choice to not date nowadays, and one of the reasons is they can find this closeness and intimacy within their platonic relationships. So many men simply do not understand this. I think many men on this sub may understand it, or at least would be receptive to this idea. It’s one of the things I love the most about this sub, many of us are very caring about our fellow men, and I think many of us do not carry that extremely deep level of misogyny inside of us. (Many of us still carry a lot of it, myself included, and it’s important we work towards getting as much of that out as possible)

Anyway, thanks for coming to my ted talk, I put advice welcome because I would love to hear your takes on it, especially women who lurk in here. I’d love to hear your experiences, if any, on the topics i’ve discussed!

My ex and I officially split at the start of August, had not had intercourse since July. On Wednesday night, she dropped on me that she was tested positive for chlamydia during a routine checkup.

My jaw dropped. I didn’t know how I was to feel after hearing such news. I immediately asked her if she had seen anyone else after we split, and she said no. I had just started a new relationship, one where my new partner explicitly asked me if I was tested and/or clean. I told my new partner “my ex was too reserved, there is no way that either of us could have gotten something.”

My ex was brought up in a very religious household, one where there was no privacy. She was very reserved, very thoughtful and planned everything to a tee. A lot of anxiety she had if things were not exactly to a schedule with ten different backups. She seemed so perfect in the sense of being a “goody little two shoes”, by the books person.

Our relationship failed from a stale bedroom. We both played a part in this failure; from her own insecurities and being unable to show any desire, from mine where I wouldn’t lay off pleasing myself to tide through. There was opportunity for both of us to change, but neither of us ultimately did.

For the better part of three and a half years, I tried to breathe confidence into her. I helped support through many different health crisises and ultimately invested in a larger future when we both decided to move into a new rental house for kids and pets. We never got anywhere. We were at each other’s throats for the betterment of half a year and now are completely split.

I anxiously went to an STI clinic and got tested. It felt so damn icky. For the 24 hours it took to get those results back in my provincial health profile, my new partner and I patiently waited for results - both anxious about not being firm on getting tested in the first place.

I look this afternoon.

Negative - completely clean.

I’m ecstatic, absolutely relieved that there was nothing I passed down to my new partner, especially after a trust was broken with me being presumptuous.

Then the thoughts of my past started dialing in. All that family time without me, late nights at work, talks of family planning. To see my life go to shit, losing my best friend, and now knowing I was potentially cheated on???

I could ask her for answers. I could get clarity and close this chapter of my book, but it’s not worth it. It’s already over. I had already asked her for some more time to pack her leftover shit in the house, and snapped on her when I didn’t like her answer of denial.

I had to see her today unfortunately. I left work late and wasn’t able to get our (my) puppy out of their way for the last bit of moving she needed to do. With all the anxiety I had inside me and my fight response, I swallowed my feelings, walked in, got my dog, walked out.

This weekend, I feast on triple Costco glizzy and a pizza to pack my house up into storage, clean, repair, and get drunk on all the leftover wine from dinner parties.

More of a vent than advice, rice bowl with veges and bacon for dinner.

Caucasian 29m

Met my partner end of 2020 and we were inseparable, built and lived in a tiny house for 3 years, sold and moved across the country (NZ) and a few months later she leaves me citing that she wants independence and working on herself and that it wasn't me, I accepted it at face value as I could see she needed to grow into herself abit more, long story but the whole if you love her, let her go.

A few weeks later i swing by with flowers for her 30th as a friendly gesture, she tells me she's seeing someone and had to share incase I heard thru the grapevine.... I wouldn't of.

Her new man is from a friend group she met snd hung out with while we dated and helpd her get out in the new city.

Now im single in a new city wondering if by independence she just meant get away from me and wanted an easy out rather than tell me the true reason or whatever.

Ahhh well thought I'd vent as it seems to be an interesting situation, mental health is fine my autistic brain just keeps trying to solve a problem with no solution.

Stay strong lads!

Food-big ass pot of turkey kale soup

I’ve been working with my family full time at our restaurant since Covid. At the time it made so much sense now I’m just giving up my life for them and the business isn’t even doing that well and I supplement my own money to pay bills I frankly have no business paying.

I’m not gonna sit here and say my mom is evil she didn’t want me ever to work here but rough times changes stuff. However in the last few years I have stopped being paid properly and I’m the only other employee so I seriously give my life to this place. I frankly don’t have shit lined up I don’t know what I could do as a job I mean I got a college degree but never used it. I can try and will try to spin my restaurant/manager experience here to try and get an office type job or I’m also heavily debating trades.

The cherry on top is we aren’t even a good family as in (may get some hate for this) I hate my dad dudes like he’s not a good person. Hes gambled away a lot of our family money, gotten a dui, gotten sued more than once for cc debt. Hes more trouble than he’s worth.

All this to say I think im gonna have to pull the trigger soon in a few months and kinda just abandon them whether they are ready for it or not. I’m honestly only hurting myself saying here.

Connoisseur cookie dough ice cream and red wine He’s back home in the UK and I’m here in Australia and all I want to do is give him a hug….

So nearly 4 years ago I met and got together with the girl of my dreams. Beautiful, and the kindest, most energetic person you’d ever have the gift of meeting. We’re both in college, and go to different schools, so we’d only get to see each other every week to every other week outside of summer and breaks. As we got closer, we did almost everything together. If there was an activity to be done, most of the time we’d want the other by our side. She brought a comfort and a joy to my life which I didn’t know I needed, and taught me what romantic love is supposed to feel like with another person. To me, I could easily envision spending the rest of my life with her. To her, the same.

But at the beginning of this semester, I transferred schools. Not that much further away, but it was enough. My new school is much more academically rigorous, my classes are taking much more time and energy out of my days and I was still getting settled. As tends to happen, other parts of my life started to slip as I adjusted to this huge change to my work-life balance. I’m just starting to get my feet under myself again, going to be finding and starting with therapy, I just finished midterms, and have some time off to relax and pick myself back up.

Problem was over that time duration of us struggling with school, we drifted apart. This isn’t the first time it’s happened, we both agreed that, right now, school was priority. We’d have all the time in the world afterwards to figure things out, and we always made it work since we could always go see each other after classes. This time though was different, I suppose.

She called me on Wednesday and told me that we needed to talk, and that she’d drive to my house the following evening after I got back home. She came over and told me that she loves me, that she wants what is best for me, but that she doesn’t want this anymore. She wants time to focus on herself, and found she prefers being alone at the moment, and that she didn’t want to pursue this relationship any longer. That she doesn’t want to have to feel like she has to take care of me when I’m struggling. Said she needs some time, but wants to try to be friends afterwards, and that I shouldn’t wait for her to try to get back together, since she doesn’t know if she will ever want it again.

I’m pretty fucked up about it. It hurts, a lot, but I understand. As much as I might disagree, for I want her in my life, a relationship takes two. There’s no point in trying to change her mind, for it would just lead to more resentment. I’ll admit it that we were more codependent on each other than we should have been, but we were good for each other. Communicative, open about our emotions and feelings, and we’ve never had an actual “fight” with each other. We’d always talk things through until we both felt better, learned from it, and could move on from it.

I think this has been heading this direction for longer than I realized. I’m looking at my behaviors, and realizing much of it was bids for attention, because I wasn’t feeling loved by her either. I think time apart might be good for us, and we can see where it goes later, but it doesn’t make it hurt less for either of us. She’s not a bad person, and I truly with the best for her, so if she wants to leave then she should leave. At least she came up to tell me in person, I’m glad she cares about me that much… I know I’d do the same.

Not really looking for advice, I mostly just need to share. I’m mostly going to be focusing on myself, spending time with friends, working on my education, and pick up some projects on the side. It hurts, but I’m determined to try my damndest to walk out stronger and better for it. Maybe we will get close again down the line, but I’ll have to life with it if not.

TL;DR: My first real, healthy relationship just ended. It wasn’t what I wanted, but it’s what needed to happen for her. It doesn’t mean it hurts any less, but there’s nothing to do besides wish her the best and try to carry on with my life on my own path. Perhaps ours shall reconnect sometime in the future, perhaps not.

Sorry for it not technically being dinner. My dad took me out to lunch and we got chicken nuggets and fries. It’s hard to feel bad with some good comfort food, and I am lucky to have my family. They’re almost as devastated as I am about it. She was an integral part of our family.

I’m also a big writer, sorry for the length.

Burger

I genuinely do not know what to do rn I can’t even process it. Last night I was talking to my bf about how I’ve been feeling insecure lately and like he’s not attracted to me and he goes and tells me that he’s sorry he didn’t tell me it sooner but he doesn’t like sex and every time we’ve fucked it’s because he felt like he had to.

I’m so fucking confused and hurt. We’ve only been dating for a few months. We met on a hookup app. We were fwb before we realized we liked each other more than that. Dude sends me nudes CONSTANTLY and is usually the one to initiate sex and apparently the whole time he’s been feeling disgusting after and “plagued with guilt”. I just don’t get why he would do all of this if he never actually meant it. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me but idk how to be in a relationship with someone who can’t have sex or isn’t at least willing to work through this.

I know this isn’t something he can control and also this might just not matter rn because we’re long distance because I’m in college but like am I crazy for wanting him to at least try to work through why he’s feeling like this ? I really like him and I want to be with him but I just don’t know how to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t sexually attracted to me. This feels like such a 180 from him.

Edit: his exact words were that he enjoys sex in the moment, but when it’s over he feels disgusting and guilty, there’s a reason for this and ik about it but I don’t think it’s something he wants me sharing on the internet so I won’t. He’s made it very clear he still wants to be with me.

UPDATE: we talked more about it this morning. He’s very adamant that he’s still attracted to me and wants to be with me and that it’s the actual sex he’s having issues with, more so the feeling he gets after. He said he wants to work through it because he is attracted to me and wants to be able to enjoy all parts of our relationship. And I told him in the meantime I am going to need more emotional intimacy from him if we don’t have anything really sexual happening and he agreed. I really like him, he’s really sweet and treats me well, so we’re gonna stick things out for a bit and see where it goes.

Seafood tacos

GF (39) decided to break up with me (M38) over text. Together for 1 yr. Both started asking about exes (I know I know big mistake) mentioned body count history- GF couldnt unhear the number. It wasnt that the number was high but the fact that I slept with 6 ppl in a short period of time before her- but this was years ago before I met her, told her I was in a different place mentally back then. Got a negative std check this year. Told her I had a long dry spell of a few years after. She still got upset about it.

I think what bothered me was how she handled it. Instead of opening up and talking to me about how it bothered her, she bottled it up and went radio silent. She sent me a long text 2 weeks after on how it bothered her and how she can't move past it. I asked her if we can break up in person and she said she wanted to, but not mentally there or ready to do that.

This was our first (and last) "big fight" I think how she handled the situation said a lot about her character. Ive always been the one to encourage discussion between us. I also encouraged her to get therapy from her last relationship, telling her I get therapy and my last relationship was 3 years ago.

Friends and fam tell me good riddance I'm the better partner between the both of us in all aspects- maturity, finances (Significant gaps in net worths), and emotional intelligence. She has a ton of red flags I ignored (Impulsiveness, low self esteem, dishonesty, unresolved emotional trauma from ex, temper, lower work ethic, etc). Regardless, this still hurts tho. The chemical withdrawal of not having my daily companion has been a really shitty oxytocin and dopamine rollercoaster. I know it will get better and I know that I will find someone better. I'm just in my feels right now because I still love her... as much as my brain is telling me not to... 😔

I think it speaks for itself what’s occurred here. I’m having a breakdown.

Almost a grown ass man of 27 years and I’ve never been in a relationship let alone shagged. And friends, colleagues my age and family that I’ve played with as a kid are getting cuffed, cohabiting, buying apartments together and getting married while I have less relationship experience than the average teenager despite my best efforts has really done my confidence in recently. And despite me having a caring family, a loyal handful of friends, good health and a kinda ballin career, I can’t help but feel like a looser and a CHUD quiet often.

I go on dates with girls that I’m genuinely curious about that I always take the initiative to plan but they seldom lead beyond a first date and I’m not sure if I’m doing something wrong. Am I showing too much affection too early or do I seem disinterested? Am I going off on tangents or does me relating to her stories come across as disengenous? And it often makes me spiral into thinking that there is something wrong with me. That i come across as either too nervous, desperate, uninteresting or awkward. I’m usually being told that they had a good night afterwards so it can’t be all that bad right?

And beyond the apps it seems like every girl that that I’m in to in my hobby groups or at work always has a boyfriend and have been together since like freshman year of university. Making me feel like times running out, that I’ve missed my window and that it seemed so easy for all the “normal” people to find love when they had time. I don’t like the misogynist Incel shit but in my poor mood it often seems like it’s especially easy for women to find love too, like I’m always competing with a dozen other guys and it’s always up to them to pick and choose.

And to never have been chosen myself, and not knowing if I ever will be…

Homemade Steak frites with charred broccoli and black truffle bearnaise.

Dinner is congee with nothing but a pinch of salt in it

I may have chronic gastritis. It also kept me up last night. I’m so fucking angry. I’m SO FUCKING ANGRY

I know it's a bit unpopular in these quarters. Lots of people have had their own issues with substances, which understandably inform their opinions. Others just believe in the benefits of a healthy lifestyle, and more power to them.

But I like a drink. I enjoy the taste of a whiskey. I like the mellow, relaxed feeling of a beer buzz. Hell, I even enjoy getting just a little drunk every so often. Just enough that everything is funnier and more interesting and more exciting. Sure I hate the hangover. Sure my liver isn't my biggest fan. But I have one life to live, and if drinking a little more than is healthy brings me happiness, why shouldn't I?

Because my partner hates it, that's why. Together 10 years, and she's never liked when I reach for a beer. Only this year it has escalated to "feeling unsafe" when I drink.

I'm not a mean drunk by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe I get a bit more involved in a video game or my work when I have a beer or two, because I'm in flow. Maybe my eyes look a little glassier. That's really the worst of it.

So what do I do? It's something I genuinely enjoy, and she's essentially requiring me to give it up to continue our relationship. I know it should be an easy choice but it's hard, actually.

You can call me an idiot for feeling this way, I don't mind. Maybe you can encourage me to stick with quitting. I'm open to advice.

Dinner is an apple and some discounted but delicious aged cheddar.

Do you ever feel like you have no one to talk to? Recently I have been going through it, feeling hopeful one day and completely fucked on another.

Just thinking, I wish I could talk with someone. But then you go through your friend list and your head is like:

- Nah, he is more fucked than me.

- Their life is on the up, don't wanna drag them down.

- He doesn't deserve to be burdened anymore.

Etc.

Like you don't want to bother anyone because either they got it worse or just don't deserve it.

I have been considering therapy but it would hurt my chances of enlisting, I can't have a record if I wanna succeed and be someone. So I guess, I'll just endure it.

(Dinner is Lasagne.)

After a year of moving aboard and failing to build any real human connection with anyone I reached a point where I just can't be alone with my own thoughts.

And after a lot of reflection I decided to start taking them and I am going to see my doctor on Monday, gonna ask him to send me to a psychiatrist too because I am pretty sure something ain't right with my brain.

As for therapy, I have been doing it for months with no real improvements.

Dinner is pasta with cepavi.

This dinner was a baked salmon with green onion and grape tomatoes.

Went to this San Diego piano bar (The Shout! House) for live music as I’m exploring the city solo for work. I was chilling alone until this girl asked if the seat next to me was open and I said go for it. We ended up singing and talked for a few hours and it was the most fun I had in the city in a while.

Sadly, she has to leave due to her work (she’s a flight attendant for Delta) to get some rest. I’m moving to Japan in the next few months so I didn’t think it would be worth pursuing. But now I’m regretting it and should’ve AT LEAST asked for number.

Don’t make the same mistake I made gents. GET THAT NUMBER.

Sorry for the bad spelling and grammar. English is my native language but I've been crying all day, I'm mentally exhausted from my mood swings and from my intensive ass degree and I'm a little bit drunk because I was drinking to ease the pain a little bit. So I can barely see the keyboard on my phone as I'm typing this out and I can barely think through my tears.

I've been struggling really hard with my mental health recently. I've always had intense mood swings where I'd be on top of the world for a few weeks, then borderline suicidal for the next few. This is nothing new, I haven't had stable mental health since the day I've come out of my mum's womb. But this time was different.

University has opened up a lot of unhealed wounds I've carried since childhood, and moving across the country has made it even harder for me to cope with stuff like this. Don't get me wrong, I love university and I love living by myself, but on my low days and during those quiet nights my mental health starts breaking down and my head starts racing. My counsellor has suggested that I could have a form of ADHD or BPD, but even though we have "free healthcare" In the UK, I won't get tested until maybe 10 years later if I go by the NHS and I can't afford to go private.

Not only that, but sleeping around with different girls during freshman year last year also revealed just how much damage getting raped when I was 12 did to me. I'm still afraid to be intimate with a woman. I'm still disgusted at myself everytime I get aroused and I'm still inexperienced in bed, despite having a "body count" of double digits now. What I hate the most is how male rape and sexual assault cases, especially when it was done by a woman, is so marginalised.I feel like I'm invisible amongst survivors of sexual abuse and I almost feel alienated. Just because I'm a man doesn't mean I'm any less of a victim. I've had to live through the same nightmare, yet I have no resources to help me cope, and no one even seems to take me seriously.

My grandfather, who I was really close with also suffered a near fatal medical emergency this summer and during that time, my then girlfriend cheated on me during her girl's trip to America before exposing my trauma and my insecurities to all of her friends, who then aired out everything at a houseparty. It felt like my life was falling apart at that moment and on top of my already bad mental health I was on the verge of ending it all a few weeks ago. Looking back I'm grateful for everything as it's made me realise how fucked up I actually am behind my facade and despite it breaking me down, it's also starting to slowly build me up as a new person.

In the middle of all of this two kittens showed up at my door back home, and completely lit up my life. For as long as I remember I've always wanted a cat, and in that moment it almost felt like God's own gift to me during one of my darkest times. I've even told my friends in university all about them. I've given both of them names, taken care of them as much as I could during the weekends and the excitement to see them kept me going throughout the weekdays. I've gotten so attached to them, and they've started to warm up to me as well, they started to be more adventurous around me, and even started playing with me a little bit. And then my parents gave them away.

I don't blame them, we have a dog already and my parents are planning to buy another 2 German Shepherd puppies in the near future, they don't have the time or energy for two more cats in the house, and as much as I love the kittens I'm only home 2 days a week, having to live in my apartment close to my university for the other five. I can't help my parents take care of the kittens during term time and my sister is well, pretty useless when it comes to pets. I don't blame them at all but their excuse really pissed me off. They said that the kittens weren't warming up to them and they don't want pets that don't warm up to the family. Well it's their fault for the kittens not warming up to them. They put the kittens in a whole seperate building, never spent time with them outside of feeding time and what's funny is that the person who technically was around them for the shortest time, me, they warmed up to the fastest because I just did everything around them and stayed near them every time I was home.

I know it's the best for the kittens that they are adopted by a family that cares for them and loves them. But it's left a gaping hole in my heart. I didn't cry when my grandad was on his death bed. I didn't cry when my ex girlfriend cheated on me a week later because she was "tired of having to deal with my shit luck" And then told everyone about the fact I was raped when I was a child and I get PTSD whenever I tried having sex with her. I didn't cry when my good friend killed himself because of depression but I cried for the first time in almost 12 years tonight because two kittens I've taken in and taken care of for three weeks got given away. And just when I thought I can finally have some happiness to myself it gets snatched away because my parents won't listen to my advice, egotistically believed they knew best on how to raise cats and then gave up on them despite knowing how much their son has always wanted a cat. I'll really miss my kittens and I'm completely devastated.

On the surface I have everything. I'm good looking, I pull girls easily, I have a big group of friends and I'm somehow popular in university, I'm a college athlete and I'm studying a good degree. But underneath that I'm completely fucked up. I'm insecure, traumatised and borderline suicidal. Every single day has been a war for me for the past few months and I'm tired. I put on a confident, almost arrogant facade because I don't believe anybody else should deal with the shit I carry, but I don't know how long I can pull this off for.

I'll really really really miss my kittens.

Food is Air Fryer crispy pork belly, onions and mushrooms on rice

First time poster, long time lurker.

It all started back in February. I went to my girlfriends house for the week out of state(she lives in my state most of the time with family). It was supposed to be a fun trip and we had some exciting plans to climb, hike, and just be together after a stressful time of her job searching and being pretty inattentive. I thought it was gonna be great. She broke up with me out of nowhere 1000 miles away from home and i was absolutely devastated. I flew home and let myself cry in bed for a day before I got down to business.

I had been procrastinating purging my apartment for years. I accumulated so much shit from my childhood, dead relatives, and an endless amount of stuff I never used. It was daunting, but I knew it had to be done. The first thing I did was get treatment for ADHD and depression which I went unmedicated for my entire life. I admitted I needed help and something had to change so I redesigned my life. Got the meds, purged my apartment(took 12 full days morning to night), and started a relentless gym schedule on top of my regular climbing routine.

I still felt depressed, but it was undeniable I was making profound changes and progress in my life to show love for my future self. I've wallowed in my depression and i've "worked" through it in my life. Mostly defaulting to the former, but the last decade or so, have swung heavily toward the latter which is far more healthy.

On a random week day in the midst of organizing throwing shit away, I needed a break and decided to climb at my local gym. I was willing to boulder, but prefer climbing with ropes. This place gets absolutely packed during leak hours, but in the middle of the day mid week it's pretty deserted. I almost didn't bother, but decided to ask the front desk to make a call on the intercom for a belay partner. I sat and anxiously and awkwardly waited to see if anyone would show up. Shockingly, someone did. She approached me and said she could climb, but only for 30 minutes. It went well and I thought she was nice and chill, so I asked if she wanted to climb again sometime. She said sure and I gave her my number.

I kinda forgot about it and didn't reach out because I didn't know if she was just being nice or whatever. 3 weeks go by and she texts me asking if I can climb the next day. I was suprised to hear from her, but very happy to have a new friend/climbing partner! We had a longer session this time(2 hours) and it was fun. I thought she was really cool and down to earth. She reached out the next day to climb again and we did. Same thing, really fun and engaging. I should add that she is absolutely gorgeous and it was impossible for me to not have a little crush, but I was in no place to date.

Over the next couple months, we climbed multiple times a week EVERY week. I heavily prioritized her and would shift plans around to make sure I could hang out with my really cool friend. We just connected on so many intriguing levels, and it felt so fucking good when we were together. We had gone from the standard 2 hour climbing sessions to an absurd 4-5 hours regularly. The norm had become us climbing 40% of the time and "resting" and talking for the other 60%. I should add that i had a massive crush on her at this point, but I refused to act on it because I wasn't willing to compromise the integrity of our friendship. I didn't want to do the thing that so many guys do and almost all women experience at some point- making a move on my friend.

Gradually, the depth of our conversations grew and I started to wonder if she liked me too, but still was unsure and therefore unwilling to fuck it up. I could get over the crush, friends are forever. She texted me one day to ask about something not climbing related. Another day thay week, she texted me about a show she was at(that she had mentioned prior) and how disappointing it was. That same night, I looked up upcoming events and discovered one of my favorite DJ's was coming to town in a month. I casually asked if she wanted to go with me. She said yes, she'd love that. I felt good about it, really good. The next day, she asked me if i'd check out this ice cream spot with her the following day.

She picks me up at my place and i'm just a ball of nerves. All this energy surrounding my crush was impossible to hide. Was this a date or were we getting ice cream as friends?! We get our ice cream and walk around the town. After a bit, she suggests walking at a local lake. I enthusiastically agreed and we drive there and continue walking on a hazey, drizzly night. I was so anxious, but she seemed to be having a really nice time. When she drops me off at home, I'm just as confused an uncertain as ever. I really didn't want to mess up our friendship and wasn't willing to risk it, but i was simultaneously obsessed with this woman. I akwardly made small talk to drag out the moment, and eventually decided it was time to go before I made things more akward. As I was reaching for the door handle, she looks at me and boldly asks if I want to kiss. I pause and try to keep it cool to hide my profound joy, and give an akward "yeah". We proceed to have an extremely passionate make out session in her car and then I ask her if she wants to come upstairs. She said "ok!".

It felt like a movie or a fairytale or something. It probably doesn't seem as significant to others as it does for me, but the timing of it all felt so perfect, too perfect. She had also been in a place where she wasn't available to date when we first met. She was dating a woman at the time and was completely uninterested in dating men. In fact, she told me she actively tried to talk herself out of having a crush on me until she realized she was trying too hard and decided to just let it happen. We both talked about eachother extensively to our circles. They all knew about our gym crush.

There was no screen time with us, no texting other than to plan dates and give important updates. When we were together, we were so present with eachother and had no phone distractions. We just talked. We took our time and tried to keep things in perspective so we wouldnt lose ourselves in it. It felt like the most secure relationship I had ever been in. I met her family and best friend from out of state. I introduced her to my close friends and family. It all felt so easy and right.

One weekend in August we decided to go on this camping trip we had talked about for a while. It was so fun to be out there with her. On the second night, we decided to take some mushroom chocolate. These were really strong and had about 10 grams of mushrooms. We each took about a quarter of a bar. This proved to be more than i expected. It was a slightly intense onset and it came on really quickly for me. It was delayed for her. We walked around the area and looked at the stars. Not a big deal, but there were some weird vibes from some people camping that were just unnecessarily rude and a car that just kept driving by us like 6 times. It just kinda made me feel weird, but we just tried to focus on other things. The mushrooms were just so strong though, and I felt very over stimulated by my environment and also this pressure of wanting it to be a special night. At a certain point the chocolate kicked in for her and she was talking about her experience and trying to engage with me. I just felt so uncomfortable though, and didnt know what to say or do. It was like I was parylized or something. She started crying. I tried to hold and talk to her about it. She told me she feels like she's too much. I tried to comfort her and told her i was sorry and that I felt really overstimulated and didnt mean to make her feel disconnected. Looking back, I feel like something changed for her/us in those moments. That moment of disconnect. I asked if we could go lay down for a little while just to ease the nerves. I've done a my fair share of psychedelics, but had never felt this way on mushrooms. My soul was crying and felt helpless watching my body appear to just be numb and not present. I did eventually calm my nervous system enough to be functional again.

The rest of the night was good, but I instantly regretted taking the mushrooms and felt so much deep shame for not being able to show up for my girlfriend 💔. I made her feel alone. We ended the trip on a positive note the next day.

A few days passed after we got home and things seemed normal and good, but one day she brought up that night and how it made her feel. How she felt like its part of a bigger thing. That she shares her experience and is vulnerable with me, and I don't. It felt like we were going to break up, but we paused on it and met again later that day. She's right. I'm somewhat guarded even though i've always thought i was open. I lack the vulnerability she needs from her partner because i hide myself. I'm ashamed and scared of being weak or not having my shit together. I wrote in my journal and then wrote her a letter. I read it to her while bawling my eyes out. We cried together and we agreed that we both wanted to do the work even though it would be hard. We were close to breaking up that day, really close. I was serious though, I committed to doing the work. I talked to my therapist about it and would tell my girlfriend stuff that I hadn't shared with anyone ever.

My job responsibilities increased dramatically a few weeks later. 16 hour days every day for 2 weeks straight. We didnt have as much time to see eachother which is fine. What ended up not being fine is that I didnt have time for myself. I couldnt go to therapy, I couldnt go to the gym. In the brief periods between getting off work and going to sleep, i'd foolishly opt to see her. I'd be getting out of the shower 20 minutes after i got home as she was getting to my door. I thought it was fine. I was so busy and she must see and understand that. Not ok. I didn't realize until the second to last day of this job when she broke up with me how I had just defaulted on everything I promised. Not intentionally, but obliviously. I thought i could handle it. Not only did I stop my progress with self growth, but I didnt even have the self awareness or wisdom present to communicate to her that I was exhausted and my social battery was depleted. That I wanted to see you but maybe we should take the night of. OR I want to see you, but know that I might not be the compelling conversationalist I usually am. Too many nights of that made her lose her faith in our compatibility. That camping trip haunts me. Those work weeks haunt me. I know I cant hate myself because of those things, but it is really hard to be at peace with it all.

We're still in love with eachother, but she now feels like there is war inside of her and she can't be at peace in our relationship anymore. Too many doubts. We are committed to staying connected and involved as close friends. That gives me some peace in it not being goodbye, but she is the one that got away. I appreciate the support of this community and just needed to get this off my chest. I cry a lot, i miss her.

Dinner is an oat/date/protein shake and breakfast biscuits so I don't starve.

Dinner is couscous with vegetables and chicken.

I grew up up very insecure about my looks, especially that I had quite a big birthmark on my face. I felt like an alien and an outsider throughout my childhood and teen years. My family always complemented my birthmark and said it actually „suited“ me, which I always thought is bullcrap, and thought they were saying that to make me feel better about myself. The insecurity about my looks has gotten even worse in my early adult life, trying to date as guy who’s into guys. Iykyk.

Skip forward to a couple of years ago, a lot of things have changed. I moved abroad, I have been putting in some work to take care of my body, style, and ofc my mental health. I don’t personally think one single aspect of my looks/personality changed drastically, and I’m definitely still growing and changing.

And BAM, I have started getting a lot attention, I keep getting compliments about my looks, smiles from strangers, I sometimes catch someone staring at me in a flirty way (dk how to explain). I was partying last July, and a girl approached me and said I am the most handsome guy she’s ever seen.. which I think is far from the truth.
My younger self would have LOVED the attention. I on the other hand am a little weirded out by it, especially that I get most of it from girls/women.
I mean this definitely helped me gain more self confidence, and feel more secure or may be reassured, I’m just used to fading into the background and actively trying to be invisible. I wish I could either embrace it and make the best of it, or just avoid it all together.

I’m not very good at explaining myself but I hope the idea was clear enough.

I don't know what to say... Went on a date night with the wife and had a lovely time. come home and watch a movie together, and just have it really nice.

My phone rings after the movie just ended, and it's my dad telling me that he's got cancer. It's in his pancreas and liver... on top of him having blood clots in his lungs and legs..

He just reached retirement age, and now he's dying of cancer. Makes me lose hope in the whole thing.

Am I supposed to work for the man all my life in the hopes of maybe being able to retire at the end of my life?

That is, if I'm lucky not to die before I reach that age? So what's the actual point of life? Because it sure as fuck isn't to work and wear out yourself just to make some faceless corporations a bit richer...

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so grateful for my wife being there for me on my side and tolerating me and my gloom. Don't know how I would be able to cope with this without her.

Thank you for reading my ramblings...

Celebrated 3 years yesterday with my amazing wife. We've had the most traumatic year of our life but will always continue to pick one another every day. Had a great evening in.

Firehouse subs, cheesecake, mojito mocktails & "slutty" brownies.

dinner’s some birria tacos w guacamole on the side

hey guys, hope y’all are doing well :)

some context, I (28M) from Colombia (tho i grew up in the States) and i am dating a (31F) from Germany. We have been dating over a year long distance (but are planning to move together next year!) and we have travelled to see each other as much as possible! we know our families, friends, we talk daily and honestly guys, this the most amazing woman in earth (corny i know) all this to say we have a good healthy relationship

this year has been the roughest time in my life. My mental health is crippling, i find myself drinking almost daily, my family is getting more and more health issues and i have been jobless for months and
i believe i have successfully isolated myself from people in my life and don’t have events/activities to do outside that makes me go out and interact with people, so, to put it in a nutshell, i am alone everyday in my house, i live alone

i used to believe that i had a lot of friends, and i do, but it’s not those friends that you talk to everyday or see constantly but just hang out w when you go for some beers and catch up. i do t have any friend close by, messages come and go but there’s still an underlying void in it, seeing someone takes some effort to move and then also i really haven’t done anything that is not having dinner or getting drunk with them- i can text friends, but, texting can only go so far right?

on the other hand, my girlfriend has an incredible circle, i know im also seeing this from my side of the pond but they truly are great people. people who listen, who care, who constantly chat between them and plan activities like making dinners, breakfast, they do things that are not just going to a bar (which is honestly, the only thing i know) and they travel and they visit each other - which is also like a european facility to travel easily though it anybody from southamerica knows that moving by plane or bus takes a lot of time and money

so i get to see this when we talk, and i am very happy for her and i would never feel discontent for her doing stuff w her friends. but then, when i finish the call, i find myself alone in a room with no friends or plans to do outside, and i… feel jealous, jealous bc i wished i could have people to invite over for a dinner, friends that i could go to a museum or watch a movie like she does, having people that genuinely care for me- and i do, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not necessary the same to talk with a friend one day and then say okay! see you next time w remember of each other (is this like the universal man thing?)

so yeah, i feel lonely, empty, and worthles. i wished i didnt, i wish i could help myself not feel miserable and questioning what have i done in my life to be in this position whilst wishing i have the same safety net and she does

Alright, lads, I wanna say first, it's been a weird week for me by way of relationships. You know the story, met a girl, thought she was great, wasn't really super present for talking then she said "I don't feel the chemistry I need for a relationship"

Mind you, we legit were only talking for like 2 days and our sleep schedules didn't really match up much because of my specific work schedule. (I work swing shifts and it's my week on nights.) And for both of those two days, the time I DID make for her, she wasn't super present. Ah well. C'est la vie and all that nonsense.

Lads, I'm here to tell you, it gets better. I spent some time in the shop working on myself. I have found that I do not invest in a potential partner as quickly as I used to and so it doesn't really bother me like it might have a year or two ago.

Work on your mental health, boys and do not be afraid to hold a woman to the same standard you end up holding yourself to. You got this boys. Now yall get out there and show this world what for!

For my girl lurkers, same thing. But directed at the girls!

Dinner tonight is a personal favorite comfort meal. Brunswick chicken salad! One of the rare things I'll accept sweet relish in!