TLDR; I left our hotel room early with our luggage to check the bags at the concierge after waking gf up. I Didn’t tell her where I was going out of spite and now she decides she can no longer stomach this kind of uncertainty of abandonment based on my temperament. She “didn’t mean to” seriously break up with me several times before, but idk if I should try salvaging this relationship anymore.

I (m24) met my gf (f23) from our graduate program and we have been together since last December after knowing each other for a couple weeks. We had endless stuff to talk about at the time and we were comfortable l sharing with each other our deepest vulnerabilities and aspirations. Soon after we got together, we faced numerous hiccups of different severity in our relationship, but we eventually always continue and try to find solutions (because we still love each other).

What lead to her final decision this time, in my opinion, are rather minute, but I’ll try to be as fair as possible in recalling what happened.

We’re on fall vacation on a trip to Washington, DC. Today is the final day of the trip and we’re checking out of the hotel and going to the airport. I’ve been lucky to adjust to the east coast time zone much better than my gf, so I woke up earlier than her and managed to pick up everything from the floor and pack our stuff and get ready. I finished everything when it was about time to check out, and I picked out some clothes for her to wear. I tried to wake her up and bugged her a little by prodding my palm against her from outside the blanket. Her morning grumpiness got the better of her and she hit me a little too hard. I got a bit upset, so when she woke up I just picked up my bag and our suitcase and left the room in front of her. I left her bag (with both our passports in it), her set of clothes, phone, and glasses with her.

I checked our stuff with the concierge and waited in the lobby. After about 15 minutes since I left our room I called her to urge her to come down. She came down and didn’t talk with me much. We had some simple hotdogs for lunch from across the street and didn’t share more than five sentences. After returning back to the hotel she told me that she had enough of my antics, and when repetitively asked for clarification, tells me that she wants to break up. She felt that me bringing the suitcase with me meant that I was leaving for the airport without her, and that it didn’t matter if I was actually at the airport or just waiting for her in the lobby, as my action implied such threat.

Currently we’re on our flight back home and I’m at a total loss. I don’t know what to do or what I want. I think her breaking up with me over this is utter bullshit, even though I do agree with and recognize the mental strife she claims to suffer because of me.

To be fair, I have childhood-rooted anger issues (I kind of resonate with Bill Burr on this) and a lot of our big fights / conflicts stem from my poor handling of emotions and overall volatile temperament. On the other hand, she is an emotionally sensitive person and often have trouble making hard decisions under pressure. However, over the course of our relationship I did put continuous effort in fighting this and I have made visible progress that both of us can see, and our DC trip have gone pretty smoothly so far up to this point (we always had some big or small fight on trips in the past). There were times where we both took serious deep introspection of ourselves and decided to keep trying. And, for the most part when we aren’t arguing, we’re genuinely happy to be with each other. So, I still can’t help but feel that she is disproportionately punishing me for this small mistake (compared to past conflicts, this is something minor), and I think part of her just wants to get a good reason to be upset and get things over with.

When making crucial decisions in life, I try to adhere the principle of not making choices that I’ll regret, whether they be wrong or not. Right now I genuinely don’t know what to feel about this, and I’m hopping back and forth between the stages of anger and bargaining in my head. I still believe we both still love each other, but maybe we’re just incompatible. I’m emotionally immature and she’s fragile. Maybe we just met at the wrong time?

Breakfast from day before (had it before gf woke up):
Iced latte with oat milk and papa protein breakfast bowl (gauc, eggs, potatoes, bacon) at bougie coffee place.

Edit:
Thanks, a lot of yalls straight comments helped me clear things up, I’ll give therapy a more serious shot :). I didn’t think therapy as a too effective solution as no one mentioned it to me before, and my parents and gf actively discouraged me from doing more in the past. But I’ll now do better for myself :) what other ways can one improve in these issues?

I’ll apologize one last time for the harm I caused.

Edit 2:
I did gently kiss her awake first and tell her that we need to go to the airport. But she wasn’t moving much so I rubbed her a bit with my hand over the blanket, “prod” was probably inappropriate.

boneless ribeye, salad, eggs sunny side, and half a tomato (because i ran out of ziplocks)

ive struggled with drug addiction majority of my life. ive always been anxious, depressed, socially awkward, outcast, bullied. i could hardly take care of myself, poor hygiene, poor life choices, no confidence, no sense of belonging or purpose. i tried prozac, zoloft, welbutrin, xanax, among several other prescription drugs, to no avail. it just felt like my life was destined to be this way.

when i realized k-12 history textbooks have lied to us and omitted so many important things, it somehow changed my entire outlook on life. after unlearning these lies and re-educating myself, i stopped smoking weed, vaping, alcohol, porn, video games, junk food, and fast food. i started going to the park every morning, walking barefoot through the grass, meditating, exercising, making my own food, taking care of my hygiene. i became more confident in myself basically overnight. i no longer needed any anti-depressants or other drugs to numb my mind. i have essentially zero anxiety. i can spark up a conversation with a stranger or call an old friend or family member when i never had the motivation or confidence to before.

everyone around me can notice the difference. i am a completely new person. all of these changes came snowballing as soon as i started learning about my ancestry and what my people actually stood for. most of it happened within one week. i found myself and my true purpose in life. its been nearly a month now and i realize i can never go back to that old self-deteriorating, crippling anxiety, socially awkward, non-motivated person. it feels like i have been reborn.

im curious to see if anyone else has had a similar awakening after correcting something that had been buried deep in their subconscious for several years. and i encourage others to be proud of who you are, and to be proud of your own history, instead of deflecting towards others or hating yourself. that is the main point of this post, as well as sharing my personal story as motivation. cheers.

I know it's a bit unpopular in these quarters. Lots of people have had their own issues with substances, which understandably inform their opinions. Others just believe in the benefits of a healthy lifestyle, and more power to them.

But I like a drink. I enjoy the taste of a whiskey. I like the mellow, relaxed feeling of a beer buzz. Hell, I even enjoy getting just a little drunk every so often. Just enough that everything is funnier and more interesting and more exciting. Sure I hate the hangover. Sure my liver isn't my biggest fan. But I have one life to live, and if drinking a little more than is healthy brings me happiness, why shouldn't I?

Because my partner hates it, that's why. Together 10 years, and she's never liked when I reach for a beer. Only this year it has escalated to "feeling unsafe" when I drink.

I'm not a mean drunk by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe I get a bit more involved in a video game or my work when I have a beer or two, because I'm in flow. Maybe my eyes look a little glassier. That's really the worst of it.

So what do I do? It's something I genuinely enjoy, and she's essentially requiring me to give it up to continue our relationship. I know it should be an easy choice but it's hard, actually.

You can call me an idiot for feeling this way, I don't mind. Maybe you can encourage me to stick with quitting. I'm open to advice.

Dinner is an apple and some discounted but delicious aged cheddar.

Dinner is just some coffee and a energy bar

I miss my boyfriend so much, I'm on a little trip to visit my grandparents but he had to work. It's the first time we've been apart really in a while, ever since we met we've been inseparable. And it's just so odd caring about someone like this, as a kid I grew up pretty badly so I never really had any strong feelings about anyone and now it's like I don't wanna let go. I worried at first about being so clingy since I know it can get suffocating but he ended up being the same. In the time we've been together we've never once argued, we talk it out anytime there's a disagreement and I love it. Growing up getting yelled at constantly I figured it was normal. I don't know if others know the feeling I mean it's like when you've been straining a muscle and it finally relaxes if that makes sense. He's been such a help, I started therapy because of him, i got onto my antidepressants again, I am sleeping more, eating better, and just overall happy which is an insane thing for me to say. I can't speak for everyone but I feel most people who had MDD and then got to be happy know at some times during said depression it feels like you never will get better. I became depressed at 9, diagnosed around 14, and now at 19 it's in remission. It is scary though, life is tough as a 19 year old with basically no family that can help me out but I'm willing to try and give life my everything.

Dinner tonight was pho from a new pho place in town (it was okay, i’ll stick with my usual spot)

Sometimes I wonder just how much better off we would be, collectively as men, if it was normalized for us to have friendships the way women do. I (intentionally) follow a lot of women online who are part of what they call “the woman sphere” It’s basically women’s response to the manosphere.

A big topic a lot of these women talk about is womanhood and friendship, and kinship between women. I’ve also seen this play out time and time again from women in my life. Two of my good friends, they’re both women, and are each others best friends. The level of emotional intimacy they have between each other is incredibly high. I also saw this a lot with my ex girlfriend, and her best friend.

Obviously I am not saying it is entirely impossible for men to form friendships and kinships like this, in fact my best friend and I have a friendship that could be considered a bit like this. It’s also very obvious why this is the case. Our patriarchal society does not allow for the normalization of male vulnerability, and pushes back on platonic male on male intimacy. If men are “too close” to each other they’re labeled, or slandered as gay, or not enough of a man. To be clear, I’m not saying all this as if it’s some eureka, highly original concept, I’m sure this has been realized, and studied by many other people, in fact I’m sure many women noticed this way before many men have.

One of the biggest benefits I think men as a whole could have with overcoming this, is I think it would genuinely solve, or create the environment to solve the male loneliness epidemic. So many women are making the conscious choice to not date nowadays, and one of the reasons is they can find this closeness and intimacy within their platonic relationships. So many men simply do not understand this. I think many men on this sub may understand it, or at least would be receptive to this idea. It’s one of the things I love the most about this sub, many of us are very caring about our fellow men, and I think many of us do not carry that extremely deep level of misogyny inside of us. (Many of us still carry a lot of it, myself included, and it’s important we work towards getting as much of that out as possible)

Anyway, thanks for coming to my ted talk, I put advice welcome because I would love to hear your takes on it, especially women who lurk in here. I’d love to hear your experiences, if any, on the topics i’ve discussed!

Gin & tonic rye duck a l'orange sliders.

I (30) really like my partner (22F). When things are good, they're great - we have our best times together when we "get away from it all". Frequently, though, we don't have the time or energy for that - I work 60-70h weekly. I love my job but it takes a lot from me.

My girlfriend is intelligent, funny, cute, and driven. However...we've been together over 3 years, and we're kind of where we started in terms of a "shared life". We've cohabitated for over two years.

I fully admit that I didn't really get myself together until I was ~25, I was in a really bad relationship from 19 until then, and I still have a lot of growing to do, so I don't want to hold some things against her...but she is in a dead-end job, missed signing up for college by a week (she'll start next semester), and after losing all of her friends a few months before we got together has not made a single one.

She's in therapy, she sees a psychiatrist, but still is afraid to go anywhere (groups, hobbies, etc) without me or her brother coming along. I have been pushing her to try different things, even join online groups, for years, and nothing has really materialized.

This leads to me feeling pressured to be available for her when I'm not working and guilty when I am. More than once I come home from a 19 hour day (don't ask) and make myself stay up a couple more hours so that she isn't sad, knowing that I need to be up at 2:30 again.

I admit that some resentment has built in me, being essentially her only support. I'm not the "leaving" type, especially considering she has noone else and her family is terrible to her, but I have had fleeting thoughts of it recently, and it makes me extremely sad. When we got together I promised myself that I would be my best self and never abandon her unless she tired of me. It just really drags having to hear her sad about the same few things that she's always been sad about, and having no new ideas, feeling like I've tried everything, not knowing what to say.

For further context...we're both trans. Sorry for posting here but the "dinner diaries" sub that I should be posting to didn't have much to say when I posted last week...please forgive me. I'm very butch if that helps.

"Dinner" is two cookies from Costco at 1 AM that I microwaved for 3 minutes because I like when they're floppy.

I am average. I am so average.

My paper just got accepted into a conference, with average scores. My grades in school were always 7 (from 0 to 10, 7 is the average in my country), my colleagues would never remember me for anything, no matter how much I tried to study or do something to stand out. I learned how to play guitar, but I am very average at it. I put many hours into learning the bass, but I am still average. My score in karaokes is always average. I can play games, but I am very average skilled on them. I can do research, but it is always an average research with average results. When messing with electronics, I can sometimes diagnose the simpler problems, but even though I studied in a technical college for that, I can only diagnose basic things, my knowledge about circuits is average. I can speak Japanese, but at an average level. My English is average. I was able to come to Japan for my PhD, but my results keep showing as average. Whenever I try to do fashion-related stuff, my coords and makeup are always average. Even my gender is in the middle, I feel neither as a man nor as a woman. I am "average gendered".

I was slightly good at coding, but that is basically non-existent now. Fuck capitalism.

Why do I put so much time into stuff and the result still comes as average? Why can't I be good at something? I just want to be slightly above average.

Food- Banh Mi from a local Vietnamese place

(Tl;dr: I have a lot of stressors in my life currently and I could benefit from some regular therapy; my last therapist was very aggressive in his practice and pushed me in some strange and uncomfortable ways, when I addressed this with him he doubled down which led to me stopping therapy)

I've been in and out of therapy since my senior year of high school, for various things like stresses of college and balancing my time and relationships. I've had a few bouts of some serious depression through the last few years and therapy has gotten me through it. I've had three different therapists in that time, all to varying degrees of success. I stopped seeing my first therapist for a stint after I felt things had stabilized in my life. After a breakup my sophomore year of college I began seeing her again, which lasted maybe a month. I stopped seeing her because she began using Facebook during our sessions, perusing her feed while I poured out my feelings to a subdued response. The first time it aggravated me, I mentioned it, and the next session she did not have her phone in the room, after that session she was back to scrolling Facebook and when she asked to schedule our next session at the end, I told her I would like to end sessions with her as a result of her phone usage during the time I paid for, as I felt she was not immersed in what I was saying nor was she providing any guidance. She seemed taken aback by this but agreed to end our sessions together.

My second therapist had a very promising start, she was in her late twenties as I was about to turn twenty. She had an older sister kind of vibe to her and she gained my respect very quickly because she was a very active listener and wanted to explore deeper into my past traumas and current stressors like the aforementioned breakup. About three months into regular weekly sessions, she informed me that she will unfortunately be ending her practice as the cost to maintain her practice kept rising over the months and she did not have enough clients to sustain herself monetarily. She boiled it down to the fact that she was not making a liveable wage after all of the garnishments for things like her space in the office of the therapy firm, her rent, and her monthly bills. I was pretty understanding about it, I knew she was pretty fresh out of grad school and was new to having her own practice. While I was a little miffed that I'd spent three months working through things with a bright outlook on future sessions, I understood that you just can't predict some things and that this was one of them. She let me know that before she left the counseling group that she would set em up with one of her coworkers who had a good reputation among therapists in my city and had many positive reviews from current and past clients. I checked the guy out on psychology today and yes, he's one of the highest rated therapists in my area. About a month later he contacted me for the first time about booking sessions to work, I even signed a consent form that my previous therapist's notes would be shared with him so that we could have an easy jumping on point when we began therapy.

Our first session began with him acknowledging the past notes, but ultimately saying that he wanted to get a fresh look at how things had been for me and wanted me to start things fresh. I'm not sure if that is regular practice, then again, I'm not sure if this is a case that has happened before. After taking a few sessions to give him a recap of things I had worked through with my other therapists, we began actually working on current issues in my life. He began to ask about my current girlfriend, we were maybe 3 months into our relationship at the time? He asked the standard questions: "How long have you been together?, Are you happy?, How did you meet?, Does your dynamic feel healthy?, yada yada". Near the end of those questions he asks "What's one thing you hate about her?" I was a little shocked so I asked him what he meant by that. He said something along the lines of "Well, everybody has things they hate about their partners, friends, and family, surely there's something about her that just gets under your skin?" To which I said no, if I hated something about her I simply would not be with her, she has aspects about her that are not my favorite thing, but I don't hate anything about her. He said that he had things that he hated about his wife (with whom he had just recently had a child I might add). And said that there has to be at least one thing I hate. I reaffirmed no to him, but he just wasn't taking it for an answer. I said I disliked her stubbornness, but it wasn't something I was hateful about, to which he asked me for a "real" answer, not a cop out. I was pretty stunned by this to say the least. This was an answer that he had prodded out of me and even after I changed my wording because I don't hate anything about my girlfriend he still wanted something more. I asked that we change the subject, as I didn't think we would get anything out of that topic and he agreed.

Over the next few sessions we talked about things like my environment growing up, things foundational to who I am as a person, and my views on religion and spirituality. Not too many notable interactions happened here, I do recall he mentioned to me that sometimes it felt like he was interrogating me rather than having a dialogue with me, not sure if that's a me problem or what that means but it happened. A few more sessions passed, and it was right before a two week break because of the holidays. Feeling that we were at a checkpoint, he asked me if there was anything that I'd wanted to talk about before the break. He asked me to lay it all out on the table, because he wondered if there were some topics I had wanted to talk about but we only mentioned and never elaborated on. I took this time to address the whole "What do you hate about your girlfriend?" topic from a month or two back. He said he was interested in that too, and asked if I had finally come up with something. I once again said no, I told him that the whole deal made me pretty uncomfortable, because I really do love my girlfriend and while we have our little disagreements and discrepancies, we get along a majority of the time, and have a happy and healthy relationship. He said that he didn't buy the whole happy and healthy thing. He said there must be something that she does that I hate or vice versa, and that we had things we hated about one another but refused to address for fear of confrontation. I told him that simply wasn't the case, and that any disagreements happened in a time and place where appropriate and we talked through things like adults, nothing ever went above a normal speaking voice, and we always debrief after to make sure all of our feelings get out.

He once again said that he didn't buy it. After going back and forth about what loving someone else means and what the keys are to a long happy relationship, I asked that our session be cut short, and that we could pick up after the break because frankly I didn't want to talk in circles with him about a subject which I said his persistence made me uncomfortable. He said something about that being the point of therapy and I walked out the door. I waited about two weeks and he messaged me asking if I had decided to schedule another appointment or if I wanted to wait a bit longer, I told him I was going to cancel his services as a result of multiple factors in my life such as school and work, and that his therapy "style" wasn't for me. That was a year ago. I haven't seen a therapist since, I've been able to keep things floating pretty steady for the most part, but lately I've been feeling like an outlet with a professional is the proper place to go about my issues rather than talking about things with my girlfriend and close friends. Anyone else out there with a similar experience? Any and all advice and stories are welcome. I've enjoyed being a part of this community even though I've been a lurker until this post. Thanks y'all.

Edit 1: Added line breaks for easy reading.

2 Taco bell soft taco no lettuce, and a quesadilla wrap

Got off a shift tonight, my job has me working several different positions right now depending on the day, and one position pays significantly less than the others because of the way the taxes work. Talking with a coworker made me realized I’m basically doing the job for free, with only a small bonus at the end of the night. I was okay with that cause the bonus was half decent, but tonight management made a decision that basically cut that bonus to 1/3rd of what it was. They know that this decision basically solely affects how much I make, but they did it anyway despite telling me how grateful they are for my help.

I’m going onto month 8ish of a long-term breakup, and a lot of therapy has made me realize that I was being taken for a ride for the most part. I like to think there was actual love there at some point, but it remains true that after the breakup she’s basically in the same place but with more education that I tutored her through, a car I helped repair and pay for, and a pet that I paid to keep alive. And I’m 10’s of thousands of dollars poorer, far more mentally ill, and stuck in place. She was happy to take my help until I drew the line at alcoholism.

I was talking to a girl for the past couple of weeks, and she seemed to really like me (at least that’s what she said), and she really liked that I’m a decently talented writer, so I could write colorful and pretty excerpts about her. She had me do this like five or six times because she really liked it and it made me happy to make her happy. She ghosted me a week ago. I’m not really mad that she stopped talking to me, everyone reserves that right. I’m just upset that she let those weeks of flirting and sweetness happen, had me write whole essays about her, and didn’t think I was worthy of even a “this isn’t gonna work” text.

Every job I’ve ever had in my life, half of all the relationships I’ve ever had with another human being, have all just been them using me for my body or mind. I know that, on some level, that that undertone exists at the core of all of human society, but I’m just so, so tired of it being all that I’m worth to people that I trust.

It’s been a core tenant of my being for years now, since I was a teenager, that because of my position as a strong, young man I’m always going to be willing to go out of my way to help others at my own detriment if they need it. I know that that’s dumb, but it helps me sleep at night. I’m tired of people recognizing that principle inside of me and immediately knowing they can use it against me. I’m tired of employers seeing that I’m willing to pick up extra shifts when others can’t and abusing me until I can’t think anymore. I’m tired of romantic interests recognizing that I’m gullible when it comes to women and using me for an ego boost until they get bored. I’m tired of people thinking that I don’t see what they’re doing, and not knowing that I’m letting it happen because their happiness matters more to me than my comfort.

I’m tired

The food’s blueberry pancakes and coffee.

Whenever I’m with someone, and they ask if I have a girlfriend (I never do LMFAO), I just say I’ve been trying to get a girl from wherever the person asking the question is from, but it’s been difficult.

You should see the joy on their faces whenever I say that. Last weekend, I had a Pakistani Uber driver who was a bit chatty, and he asked me about my girlfriend, which was a bit invasive, but I don’t mind haha. And I mentioned that I was looking for a Pakistani girl. He was elated and started giving me tips on how to get one, but then said I should go for Indian ones because Pakistani ones are conservative and rarely date someone who isn’t muslim. He also called them lazy lol. He did mention they like black guys though (I’m black).

I’m in Scotland, and I do the same with my Scottish colleagues too. One of them claims to be anti-immigration and supports Nigel Farage, but when some of us from work went out for drinks, he started introducing me to every Scottish girl in the bar LMAO. He goes “this is my friend from xxxxx”.

Same thing with my Indian friends too.

Food was a fairly mid meatball sub and a shit load of onion rings, but it was only $11 so I can't complain.

I am 30 years old. I have never been in a serious relationship. My last relationship was an on again off again relationship that lasted nearly 8 years with someone I didn't actually love romantically, it was a relationship of convenience and appearances. Sex was very infrequent and I guess I kept hoping for more but I think ultimately she was ace. We literally never kissed, it was weird, so I'm not a virgin but never kissed a woman except for a girl who kissed me in college as consolation for me being interested in her but her not being interested in me, idk, I was drunk when it happened. Both of these situations seem very strange to me. I have tried dating since then but I feel like I'm both terrible at it and maybe not a catch. I will also say I feel like my parents, both evangelical psychologists, set me up for failure. I wasn't allowed to date before college and I never had any conversation with them about how to date, ask people out, etc. I also never really learned emotional regulation but that's a whole other thing, didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until this year, etc. Literally the only my dad ever told me about dating was if I got a girl pregnant, they would help me support the child.

My last date was over a year ago and it was humiliating. I asked a girl out at a party because she really liked a French cake I made for the party and I asked if she had any plans for her birthday and she said, "are you asking me out on a date on my birthday?" And I told her definitely yes, I am asking you out on a date for your birthday because I am going to make you this cake. She said I was bold to ask her out on her birthday but yes and I got to work practicing the cake because it's a very complicated and temperamental recipe, that takes about 3 days to complete due to timing of the dough. Turns out that birthday was 3 months away, definitely a mistake. I was not good at communicating with her, I had no idea what I was doing, I just kept giving her updates on my progress. Her birthday comes around, we had been chatting throughout the week as to where we would go, and decided on the spot and time, I called the place to be sure the place would be fine with me bringing outside food. On her birthday, I text her that I'm about to leave and she texts back in a panic that she didn't know that I meant her birthday, she was with family in another state celebrating, and she thought I meant the following day. I guess we had never clarified that but I was clear when I asked that I meant her birthday. She apologized and suggested we get brunch the next day and suggested a fairly fancy spot. Next day rolls around and she asked if we could instead meet up at a Starbucks, she had gotten a bad sunburn the previous day and it was causing some painful flare-ups of her skin condition. I said I really didn't mind and asked if she needed any aloe, she said yes, it was the only thing that didn't cause the flare-ups to get worse but she hadn't been able to find pure aloe in the stores. I grabbed one of my spare aloe plants and headed to the meeting spot. I gave her the aloe as a gift and told her the fresh stuff was way better anyway. We sat and talked for a couple of hours before she had to go home because the pain was getting quite bad. She took the rest of the cake home in my cake transporter, and we planned on meeting up again. When she got home, she texted me that the aloe felt "heavenly" and thanked me again for being so thoughtful.

We decided the best time to meet up was at our mutual friend's band's concert. When she got there, I asked if she would let me buy her a drink since we decided against buying anything at Starbucks (boycott) and she declined saying she wasn't thirsty. In walks one of my friend's band mates, the bass player, and he grabs her and takes her to the bar and he buys her a drink. I immediately clock what happened, she had started dating him at some point after I asked her out and didn't bother telling me. I would have been hurt but fine if she had told me but she hadn't. I had to wait until after the show to get the cake transporter from her so I decided I was going to enjoy myself either way. After the show, we go to retrieve it and she says to another of the band mates that "you gotta get [my name] to make you a cake, he's so good at it and makes it for his friends!" I give him a look and he understands immediately, he had been at the party after all. So yeah, I was basically told us going out infact wasn't a date, when we both explicitly defined it as a date beforehand. I have seen plenty of guys ask a girl out without defining it as a date and I wasn't wanting to be one of those guys. Next time I saw my friend's band, the bass player was with a totally different woman, as had been the case every time I saw the dude. He's a charismatic guy, he didn't know that I had been trying to date this girl, I don't blame him, just her.

My latest dating attempts have been duds as well. Apparently my friends don't know any single women, so that avenue is a dead end. I've had a few conversations on dating apps but I'm not getting any dates. It's not like I'm not asking. I even had a woman ask me if I wanted to meet up at a bar nearby she was heading to with some friends and as soon as I asked where, I was blocked. We had been having an amazing conversation before that. I also had a woman who I was talking to for a while make an off hand remark denigrating a guy she saw who had a bald spot and I in my profile pictures have an obviously receding hairline. Another we kept talking for a while, unable to meet because we both had busy schedules. I'm self employed and I've been working 70 hour weeks for 2 months now, that was coming to a close this week because I was wrapping up a project because of a deadline. This was something she knew, and yesterday I asked if she had anything interesting going on and she sent me a voice message in a cheery voice saying, "Actually I'm on a date right now." So apparently she was less busy than she told me. I'm still a bit broken up about that. Of all of the women I had talked to, she was by far the most interesting and I had been very supportive of her (emotionally , not financially) while she was going through some tough times. She had been giving me random life updates and sending pictures of her outfits and all earlier this week so I didn't expect this out of her. I again feel humiliated, like she had decided I was a friend figure and not someone trying to date he

I find it hard to get matches on the apps and most of the matches are bots, escorts, or onlyfans models promoting themselves. I'm not against these things (well, except the bots), people can do what they want but 1) not something for me and 2) shouldn't be on the apps. My work has been making it difficult if not impossible to have a social life so I wouldn't even begin to understand where to meet women out in the world. I'm currently down 25 lbs from a few months ago, probably mostly due to not having time to eat at work, and mostly sober so I had been feeling better about myself but my hair has been making me particularly self conscious lately. I just don't understand relationships or relationship dynamics because I really never learned and it seems most people my age expect me to be on top of that stuff. I feel the same conundrum there is to finding a decent job these days: How do you get experience if nobody is hiring entry level anymore? Obviously, that's not a women's job but I'm lost.

Sometimes I wish I could just get a lobotomy. I recently saw my psychiatrist and on top of major recurrent depression disorder, Ptsd, and anxiety I have ADHD.
Im so frustrated and after trying Vyvanse and weening of Wellbutrin I felt like shit. Now my doctor upped my Wellbutrin dose to 400mg, and Zoloft is still at 200mg. And now I am going to starting taking Adderall 10mg tomorrow.

I hate that I need this much medication to live, even on my previous doses, I still experience symptoms just with less severity. I am in my last year of university and I have been struggling constantly my entire time here with getting out of bed. I failed classes, or barely pass some, I just feel so fuckin useless.

I have just been so depressed my entire life and ADHD on top of it genuinely makes me feel like shit. I wish I was normal so bad. I have friends but some aren’t even supportive at all. They just tell me to lock in or insinuate that Im not working hard enough. I hate it so much. I hate it. Too busy to cook, so I got a store bought chicken pot pie

Toast with ricotta cheese and fig jam

Tomorrow I go home. The girl I’ve been talking to ghosted me on this family holiday. I’ve been ignoring it, for some reason I haven’t told my family about it (they knew I’d been talking to her as it had been going on for almost 3 months). I know it’s going to hit me like a truck when I get back home. I miss her so much. I can’t listen to any music without thinking of her, I have had basically zero sex drive since it happened, and everything reminds me of her. I’m 19M, I have never had a girl who was interested in me like this before. What if I’m never this happy again? I feel like such an idiot. I’m ashamed of being vulnerable with her. I even wrote her poetry. I feel so hurt.

All I want to do is hit the gym obsessively and run myself to the ground so I can sleep easily and forget about her and never let a woman get that close to me again or let my guard down and be soft.

But most of all I just wish I understood WHY she did this to me. But regardless, I do not hold any anger towards her and I want to make that clear. She is a wonderful woman and I wish her a beautiful life. Whoever she marries will be very lucky I’m sure.

hello all

been feeling like shit lately, and needed to vent

so it was my birthday yesterday, my 20th.
all the new “friends” i made (as expected) forgot even though i remembered and made sure to make them feel special and seen on theirs.

it just sucks because no matter how hard i try, how frequent i show up, how often i consider people’s feelings, i always get the short end of the stick.

i’m diagnosed with adhd, so when it comes to any form of connection with people, i feel it very intensely, like a “feels like we’ve been friends for decades kinda way.

i deeply crave having actual friends, i so so badly want to be a part of a genuine and heartfelt friend group, yk the type of friend groups you see in the persona games, cartoons, etc. i often fantasise (corny i know) about being one of the bros who log onto steam every night to play games till like 2am but…i don’t have that and never experienced that.

but, people push me to the side since they already have their friends. it’s been like this since i was a little boy, i was always the kid begging his friends to be his friend. i was also bullied in middle school (the school defended the bully too) high school wasn’t any better either, lowest point of my life.

i’m so fucking lonely, and it hurts being the one that gives and gives and gives in every relationship. not romantically though, platonically. (i’ve been single since birth unfortunately) all i ask is for basic reciprocity.

what really hurt about my birthday being forgotten by my “friends” is how those same people easily remember each other’s and post about it. i know people are busy, tired or aren’t birthday people but despite all of that they still show up for each other. why can’t i have that? why don’t people like me?

not to mention that even when i go through shit (like right now) i still make an effort. it’s not fair.

i hate that my stupid fucking brain is so overly sensitive to both external stimuli and situations like this. i hate that i have to take medication daily just so that i don’t spiral and off myself. (almost did on my last year of high school)

feels like whenever i try, i’m treated like an alien. i get ignored, get days late responses and so forth. feels like there’s always this wall people put up in front of me.

i’m genuinely at a point where i feel being a loner is better for me. i’ve tried putting myself out there, i’ve tried being more social and that’s what people don’t understand. the constant rejection i face both when trying to make friends or trying to date is agonising.

i know it isn’t healthy to isolate yourself and give up on socialising but what the hell else can i do? i can’t force people to be friends with me, i can’t force people to like me.

i just wish it wasn’t biologically ingrained in me to want connection, it feels like a flaw in my design because all it does is breaks my heart and wastes my time. i literally spent my entire 20th birthday yesterday feeling incredibly sad, lonely and unwanted when it should’ve been positive.

i’m really really tired of this whole friendship bullshit, it never works out for me.

and i know it isn’t healthy having this black and white mindset but at this point? i’m tired of being unnecessarily optimistic when it has gotten me nothing.

for dinner tonight i’m having a triple patty smash burger, chilli cheese balls, buffalo chicken strips and a side of thc distillate (i’m not sure if we’re allowed to show the yart in photos so i kept it out)

thank you for reading

Burger

I genuinely do not know what to do rn I can’t even process it. Last night I was talking to my bf about how I’ve been feeling insecure lately and like he’s not attracted to me and he goes and tells me that he’s sorry he didn’t tell me it sooner but he doesn’t like sex and every time we’ve fucked it’s because he felt like he had to.

I’m so fucking confused and hurt. We’ve only been dating for a few months. We met on a hookup app. We were fwb before we realized we liked each other more than that. Dude sends me nudes CONSTANTLY and is usually the one to initiate sex and apparently the whole time he’s been feeling disgusting after and “plagued with guilt”. I just don’t get why he would do all of this if he never actually meant it. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me but idk how to be in a relationship with someone who can’t have sex or isn’t at least willing to work through this.

I know this isn’t something he can control and also this might just not matter rn because we’re long distance because I’m in college but like am I crazy for wanting him to at least try to work through why he’s feeling like this ? I really like him and I want to be with him but I just don’t know how to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t sexually attracted to me. This feels like such a 180 from him.

Edit: his exact words were that he enjoys sex in the moment, but when it’s over he feels disgusting and guilty, there’s a reason for this and ik about it but I don’t think it’s something he wants me sharing on the internet so I won’t. He’s made it very clear he still wants to be with me.

UPDATE: we talked more about it this morning. He’s very adamant that he’s still attracted to me and wants to be with me and that it’s the actual sex he’s having issues with, more so the feeling he gets after. He said he wants to work through it because he is attracted to me and wants to be able to enjoy all parts of our relationship. And I told him in the meantime I am going to need more emotional intimacy from him if we don’t have anything really sexual happening and he agreed. I really like him, he’s really sweet and treats me well, so we’re gonna stick things out for a bit and see where it goes.

mongolian beef noodles for dinner. i made them myself. last time i made them, i took the instructions on the noodle packet a bit too seriously, so i then had uncooked noodles that were gross and crunchy/mushy on the outside. EEEEYUCK!

anyway, content warning, general talk of mental health disorders, the aftermath of those disorders, some kinda heavy mental health issues, yadda yadda.

i’m 16, i’ve been diagnosed with quite a few severe anxiety disorders, depression, and audhd (not TECHNICALLY diagnosed, but EVERYBODY, including doctors, agree that i have it). thank you mom and dad.

im off my meds rn because i always forget to take them, so my brain is zapping and im half delirious, please bear with me, lmk if there’s any spelling mistakes or shit doesn’t make sense.

i’m uhhh like an entire year behind in school now, as a teachers strike last year really fucked me over. i want to say that depression and overall shitty mental health is what put me so far behind, but i’m worried im relying too heavily on those diagnoses.

i feel like shit 24/7, THATS because of prolonged black mold exposure, but it’s made it so difficult to get out of bed and go to school, even just waking up. it’s like there’s an internal pressure all over my body and it refuses to let up. i can’t say it hurts, but if it could, it 100% would.

i feel paralyzed at the thought of anything that requires effort. is it laziness? am i using my illnesses as an excuse to do nothing? i would love nothing more than to get up and go do things, go catch up on school and make friends, but i can’t move, i can’t even think.

even trying to write this out and explain it, it’s taking me a good hour. i hate it.

my dumbahh psychiatrist has told me over and over that he doesn’t believe me, that he thinks i’m making it up or trying to fuck with him. my old principal said he didn’t believe me. nobody believes me. and usually i’d be fine, i know how i feel, but it’s from everybody. i have no support. (principal and psychiatrist named because they have heavy influence over everything)

two people believed me, both of which i could say groomed me, and neither are in my life anymore.

i am completely alone.

i can’t tell anymore if its my depression or im lazy or simply unmotivated.

i’m stuck in a limbo, and i can’t get out.

i’ve been trying to get a job for three years, im literally out of options unless i start reapplying. out of 30-50 places ive applied to (which is all this tiny ass town has), i’ve gotten ??? 3 emails back? rejection emails. i called around too, NOBODY ANSWERED??????

everybody’s up my ass about getting a job and school and graduating and catching up, i am so angry, and im stuck here. i’ve been debating hospitalizing myself, because lord knows ending my shit is inevitable, but then i’ll be even further behind on school, i’ll lose my only rocks (my animals), i’ll be stuck in a hellhole with zero privacy.

usually i’m stable enough that i don’t consider myself at risk, but then it’ll get really bad. the closest ive got to hospitalization is standing outside of my towns hospital, before my mom texted telling me to come home. i don’t want to be hospitalized. but i’m sick and sometimes dangerous to myself and others, and i don’t know what’s best.

i feel like if i wasn’t ill, this would be a lot easier to deal with. people go through slumps all the time, im sure, but i can’t gauge if im being dramatic or if my illnesses are actually this bad. i can’t imagine living my entire life like this

i am so torn and i am so tired.

i’m going to go to bed, goodnight everybody ily

took my meds tonight though LOCKED IN

Alright, lads, I wanna say first, it's been a weird week for me by way of relationships. You know the story, met a girl, thought she was great, wasn't really super present for talking then she said "I don't feel the chemistry I need for a relationship"

Mind you, we legit were only talking for like 2 days and our sleep schedules didn't really match up much because of my specific work schedule. (I work swing shifts and it's my week on nights.) And for both of those two days, the time I DID make for her, she wasn't super present. Ah well. C'est la vie and all that nonsense.

Lads, I'm here to tell you, it gets better. I spent some time in the shop working on myself. I have found that I do not invest in a potential partner as quickly as I used to and so it doesn't really bother me like it might have a year or two ago.

Work on your mental health, boys and do not be afraid to hold a woman to the same standard you end up holding yourself to. You got this boys. Now yall get out there and show this world what for!

For my girl lurkers, same thing. But directed at the girls!

Dinner tonight is a personal favorite comfort meal. Brunswick chicken salad! One of the rare things I'll accept sweet relish in!

Sorry for the bad spelling and grammar. English is my native language but I've been crying all day, I'm mentally exhausted from my mood swings and from my intensive ass degree and I'm a little bit drunk because I was drinking to ease the pain a little bit. So I can barely see the keyboard on my phone as I'm typing this out and I can barely think through my tears.

I've been struggling really hard with my mental health recently. I've always had intense mood swings where I'd be on top of the world for a few weeks, then borderline suicidal for the next few. This is nothing new, I haven't had stable mental health since the day I've come out of my mum's womb. But this time was different.

University has opened up a lot of unhealed wounds I've carried since childhood, and moving across the country has made it even harder for me to cope with stuff like this. Don't get me wrong, I love university and I love living by myself, but on my low days and during those quiet nights my mental health starts breaking down and my head starts racing. My counsellor has suggested that I could have a form of ADHD or BPD, but even though we have "free healthcare" In the UK, I won't get tested until maybe 10 years later if I go by the NHS and I can't afford to go private.

Not only that, but sleeping around with different girls during freshman year last year also revealed just how much damage getting raped when I was 12 did to me. I'm still afraid to be intimate with a woman. I'm still disgusted at myself everytime I get aroused and I'm still inexperienced in bed, despite having a "body count" of double digits now. What I hate the most is how male rape and sexual assault cases, especially when it was done by a woman, is so marginalised.I feel like I'm invisible amongst survivors of sexual abuse and I almost feel alienated. Just because I'm a man doesn't mean I'm any less of a victim. I've had to live through the same nightmare, yet I have no resources to help me cope, and no one even seems to take me seriously.

My grandfather, who I was really close with also suffered a near fatal medical emergency this summer and during that time, my then girlfriend cheated on me during her girl's trip to America before exposing my trauma and my insecurities to all of her friends, who then aired out everything at a houseparty. It felt like my life was falling apart at that moment and on top of my already bad mental health I was on the verge of ending it all a few weeks ago. Looking back I'm grateful for everything as it's made me realise how fucked up I actually am behind my facade and despite it breaking me down, it's also starting to slowly build me up as a new person.

In the middle of all of this two kittens showed up at my door back home, and completely lit up my life. For as long as I remember I've always wanted a cat, and in that moment it almost felt like God's own gift to me during one of my darkest times. I've even told my friends in university all about them. I've given both of them names, taken care of them as much as I could during the weekends and the excitement to see them kept me going throughout the weekdays. I've gotten so attached to them, and they've started to warm up to me as well, they started to be more adventurous around me, and even started playing with me a little bit. And then my parents gave them away.

I don't blame them, we have a dog already and my parents are planning to buy another 2 German Shepherd puppies in the near future, they don't have the time or energy for two more cats in the house, and as much as I love the kittens I'm only home 2 days a week, having to live in my apartment close to my university for the other five. I can't help my parents take care of the kittens during term time and my sister is well, pretty useless when it comes to pets. I don't blame them at all but their excuse really pissed me off. They said that the kittens weren't warming up to them and they don't want pets that don't warm up to the family. Well it's their fault for the kittens not warming up to them. They put the kittens in a whole seperate building, never spent time with them outside of feeding time and what's funny is that the person who technically was around them for the shortest time, me, they warmed up to the fastest because I just did everything around them and stayed near them every time I was home.

I know it's the best for the kittens that they are adopted by a family that cares for them and loves them. But it's left a gaping hole in my heart. I didn't cry when my grandad was on his death bed. I didn't cry when my ex girlfriend cheated on me a week later because she was "tired of having to deal with my shit luck" And then told everyone about the fact I was raped when I was a child and I get PTSD whenever I tried having sex with her. I didn't cry when my good friend killed himself because of depression but I cried for the first time in almost 12 years tonight because two kittens I've taken in and taken care of for three weeks got given away. And just when I thought I can finally have some happiness to myself it gets snatched away because my parents won't listen to my advice, egotistically believed they knew best on how to raise cats and then gave up on them despite knowing how much their son has always wanted a cat. I'll really miss my kittens and I'm completely devastated.

On the surface I have everything. I'm good looking, I pull girls easily, I have a big group of friends and I'm somehow popular in university, I'm a college athlete and I'm studying a good degree. But underneath that I'm completely fucked up. I'm insecure, traumatised and borderline suicidal. Every single day has been a war for me for the past few months and I'm tired. I put on a confident, almost arrogant facade because I don't believe anybody else should deal with the shit I carry, but I don't know how long I can pull this off for.

I'll really really really miss my kittens.

Food is Air Fryer crispy pork belly, onions and mushrooms on rice

dinner’s some birria tacos w guacamole on the side

hey guys, hope y’all are doing well :)

some context, I (28M) from Colombia (tho i grew up in the States) and i am dating a (31F) from Germany. We have been dating over a year long distance (but are planning to move together next year!) and we have travelled to see each other as much as possible! we know our families, friends, we talk daily and honestly guys, this the most amazing woman in earth (corny i know) all this to say we have a good healthy relationship

this year has been the roughest time in my life. My mental health is crippling, i find myself drinking almost daily, my family is getting more and more health issues and i have been jobless for months and
i believe i have successfully isolated myself from people in my life and don’t have events/activities to do outside that makes me go out and interact with people, so, to put it in a nutshell, i am alone everyday in my house, i live alone

i used to believe that i had a lot of friends, and i do, but it’s not those friends that you talk to everyday or see constantly but just hang out w when you go for some beers and catch up. i do t have any friend close by, messages come and go but there’s still an underlying void in it, seeing someone takes some effort to move and then also i really haven’t done anything that is not having dinner or getting drunk with them- i can text friends, but, texting can only go so far right?

on the other hand, my girlfriend has an incredible circle, i know im also seeing this from my side of the pond but they truly are great people. people who listen, who care, who constantly chat between them and plan activities like making dinners, breakfast, they do things that are not just going to a bar (which is honestly, the only thing i know) and they travel and they visit each other - which is also like a european facility to travel easily though it anybody from southamerica knows that moving by plane or bus takes a lot of time and money

so i get to see this when we talk, and i am very happy for her and i would never feel discontent for her doing stuff w her friends. but then, when i finish the call, i find myself alone in a room with no friends or plans to do outside, and i… feel jealous, jealous bc i wished i could have people to invite over for a dinner, friends that i could go to a museum or watch a movie like she does, having people that genuinely care for me- and i do, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not necessary the same to talk with a friend one day and then say okay! see you next time w remember of each other (is this like the universal man thing?)

so yeah, i feel lonely, empty, and worthles. i wished i didnt, i wish i could help myself not feel miserable and questioning what have i done in my life to be in this position whilst wishing i have the same safety net and she does

I play in a league that has a bunch of ex G leaguers, ex college players, etc. Basically, everyone in the league is the best player in 99% of all pickup games at the gym/park.

My entire life has been basketball. My profession is, you guessed it, basketball. I'm a trainer, I work with players in the G league, college, WNBA, etc. I'm not the best player of all time by any measure, I never even made it to the NBA myself, but I've managed to do what I love for a living, which is awesome.

My wife is usually busy with her family, and because ball it literally life for me - I don't mind that she doesn't make it to the games often.

But, she showed up to her first game in 2 months tonight, and I put on a fucking SHOW, boys.

31 points, 12 assists, 11 rebounds, 4 blocks, 4 steals, 5 dunks, at the ripe old age of 38. I shook one guy straight out of his shoe. I was the fucking man tonight, and it feels pretty fucking great.

It's honestly so cool to show my wife some flashes of my prime. I'm so getting laid tonight.

Dinner is roasted barbecue chicken thighs, and some veggies. I will be eating this entire tray.

Today we have a Jimmy John’s sandwich I made at work with a blackberry izzy, this is my only meal for the day. I (20M) am a sophomore in aerospace engineering and the workload is for sure catching up to my mood and health. Has anyone found good ways to relieve stress/sense of impending doom that doesn’t involve abusing geek bars, coffee and vyvanse? Most people tell me to just go to the gym or workout in some way, but I’ll explain more why that’s almost impossible (for now at least).
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I work a job 20 hours a week as well so I have even less time to get all of my assignments/studying done, and a mix of very little time and being on a stimulant 24/7 has been really messing up my sleep unsurprisingly. My almost daily routine is going to bed at 5am and waking up at 10am for classes. For context I’m not really depressed at all, I’m still happy and mostly content about life, so my issues aren’t due to a great amount of sadness or hopelessness.
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I’m at a point in my life where it feels unimaginable to be able to function without stimulants (caffeine, nicotine and ADHD meds, no hard drugs) and it feels like the only way to be able to get everything done. I used to have healthier ways to manage the stress and lack of sustained focus, but nothing really helps the feeling of dread and draining of my soul from doing math and physics homework for 40+ hours a week. I overly rely on smoking to calm down and it’s getting to a point where I clear a geekbar in about 2 weeks. My vyvanse prescription has helped my focus a lot, but it’s for sure tanking my eating habits and any day I don’t take my meds I have no motivation to do anything whatsoever.
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Even before my medication I have always had troubles with eating, it has always felt like a chore and something I just have to do. I am only 105 lb and my weight has only been on a steady decline. It’s not that I hate my body or anything I love myself and my body image deeply, but I either just don’t think about eating or when I do I prioritize getting shit done instead. Most days I eat pretty much nothing up until the sun goes down and only eat because my stomach has finally become loud enough. If it gets to a point where I have no energy whatsoever I’ll force myself to binge eat as much as I can, but everyone knows that’s not sustainable at all and only hurts my health. If anyone here takes ADHD meds you might know how repulsive most food is for most of the day, so does anyone have advice to help me be able to eat more?
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To some up my reddit rant, any advice about better eating habits, managing crazy stress levels, quitting smoking, and/or stopping stimulant reliance would be very much appreciated! Have a great day everybody!!

My ex and I officially split at the start of August, had not had intercourse since July. On Wednesday night, she dropped on me that she was tested positive for chlamydia during a routine checkup.

My jaw dropped. I didn’t know how I was to feel after hearing such news. I immediately asked her if she had seen anyone else after we split, and she said no. I had just started a new relationship, one where my new partner explicitly asked me if I was tested and/or clean. I told my new partner “my ex was too reserved, there is no way that either of us could have gotten something.”

My ex was brought up in a very religious household, one where there was no privacy. She was very reserved, very thoughtful and planned everything to a tee. A lot of anxiety she had if things were not exactly to a schedule with ten different backups. She seemed so perfect in the sense of being a “goody little two shoes”, by the books person.

Our relationship failed from a stale bedroom. We both played a part in this failure; from her own insecurities and being unable to show any desire, from mine where I wouldn’t lay off pleasing myself to tide through. There was opportunity for both of us to change, but neither of us ultimately did.

For the better part of three and a half years, I tried to breathe confidence into her. I helped support through many different health crisises and ultimately invested in a larger future when we both decided to move into a new rental house for kids and pets. We never got anywhere. We were at each other’s throats for the betterment of half a year and now are completely split.

I anxiously went to an STI clinic and got tested. It felt so damn icky. For the 24 hours it took to get those results back in my provincial health profile, my new partner and I patiently waited for results - both anxious about not being firm on getting tested in the first place.

I look this afternoon.

Negative - completely clean.

I’m ecstatic, absolutely relieved that there was nothing I passed down to my new partner, especially after a trust was broken with me being presumptuous.

Then the thoughts of my past started dialing in. All that family time without me, late nights at work, talks of family planning. To see my life go to shit, losing my best friend, and now knowing I was potentially cheated on???

I could ask her for answers. I could get clarity and close this chapter of my book, but it’s not worth it. It’s already over. I had already asked her for some more time to pack her leftover shit in the house, and snapped on her when I didn’t like her answer of denial.

I had to see her today unfortunately. I left work late and wasn’t able to get our (my) puppy out of their way for the last bit of moving she needed to do. With all the anxiety I had inside me and my fight response, I swallowed my feelings, walked in, got my dog, walked out.

This weekend, I feast on triple Costco glizzy and a pizza to pack my house up into storage, clean, repair, and get drunk on all the leftover wine from dinner parties.

Dinner is soba noodles with pork and vegetables.

So a few months ago I moved to an apartment after living in a very remote area for years. On my first day I met one of my housemates you I immediately clicked with really fast. It felt like the most mutual friendship I’d had in years because she’d actually be the one to initiate us hanging out occasionally and would make time for me even though she was busy with school stuff. I ended up catching feelings and told her how I felt and she said she just wanted to be friends which I was ok with.

Just to clarify I don’t think me saying this was out of nowhere. I did try doing small stuff like sitting close to her or light touching and it felt like she was very comfortable around me. She literally took a shower while I was in the other room once. But after my confession it felt like she did seemed kinda of avoidant around me. We use to regularly talk about getting food together which she was down with but all of a sudden stopped making those kinds of plans.

She ended up sending a wall of text saying she started seeing someone and didn’t think us hanging out 1 on 1 was a good idea for a while which even though I was admittedly very sad I accepted and eventually we were back on good terms. Now apparently she’s single again and wants us to start dating. I know I should be happy but based on the way she phrased stuff it seems like she was the one who was broken up with and it makes me feel like I’m only getting this because the guy she chose over me didn’t want to be with her. I’ve always had insecurities with jealousy but it really does make me feel weird that she wants to date now after telling me no before and a guy she was supposedly moving really fast with broke up with her. I’d just like some words from people who might have experienced similar stuff to me because I’m still just kinda hurt over not being her first choice.