Seafood tacos

GF (39) decided to break up with me (M38) over text. Together for 1 yr. Both started asking about exes (I know I know big mistake) mentioned body count history- GF couldnt unhear the number. It wasnt that the number was high but the fact that I slept with 6 ppl in a short period of time before her- but this was years ago before I met her, told her I was in a different place mentally back then. Got a negative std check this year. Told her I had a long dry spell of a few years after. She still got upset about it.

I think what bothered me was how she handled it. Instead of opening up and talking to me about how it bothered her, she bottled it up and went radio silent. She sent me a long text 2 weeks after on how it bothered her and how she can't move past it. I asked her if we can break up in person and she said she wanted to, but not mentally there or ready to do that.

This was our first (and last) "big fight" I think how she handled the situation said a lot about her character. Ive always been the one to encourage discussion between us. I also encouraged her to get therapy from her last relationship, telling her I get therapy and my last relationship was 3 years ago.

Friends and fam tell me good riddance I'm the better partner between the both of us in all aspects- maturity, finances (Significant gaps in net worths), and emotional intelligence. She has a ton of red flags I ignored (Impulsiveness, low self esteem, dishonesty, unresolved emotional trauma from ex, temper, lower work ethic, etc). Regardless, this still hurts tho. The chemical withdrawal of not having my daily companion has been a really shitty oxytocin and dopamine rollercoaster. I know it will get better and I know that I will find someone better. I'm just in my feels right now because I still love her... as much as my brain is telling me not to... 😔

Connoisseur cookie dough ice cream and red wine He’s back home in the UK and I’m here in Australia and all I want to do is give him a hug….

Food is chicken nuggets with blue cheese dressing and chipotle barbecue.

I still live with my parents which is why the '(ed)' is in the title, but I always feel this persistent shame that my parents are my parents. Basically, my dad kind of manipulated my mom when she was young and left when I was 5 and it has just been me, my siblings, my mom and whatever guy she is with since then.

My dad was and probably still is a broken person, he was raised in a really abusive household. But that will never excuse his actions. So now I not only have to deal with all the difficulties that come without a father, I also have to deal with the fact that I came from a monster. It's like ripping our your kidney and just letting it get infected. So I'm disappointed in the fact that my father just didn't even consider therapy or any type of help. Again, I think he was broken, but he decided to have kids without ever working on his own self. It just feels like I was plopped out and kinda just expected to figure it out.

My mom and I have a relationship, but I have given up on trying to sustain it. It doesn't feel like a motherly bond, but that of an annoying D-list friend. Maybe it's a personal issue, but it wouldn't crop up out of nowhere. I just can't sustain it because I feel like there's no depth. On top of that, she is very emotionally immature. I literally had to read Lindsay Gibson's book on all that just to even try to understand the situation im living in. She rarely takes accountability, and when she does she never follows through on her words until it's too late. Then, though, if you ask her why, she'll say it's her mental issues but refuse to change them.

Her not changing herself based on how she affects others really fucking pisses me off because she almost seems complacent with the fact that she is unbearable to be around. Meanwhile I have to beg and grovel just to get her to even sign me up for therapy. She may not really have a soft spot for mental health, though. I'm working on it now but I am pretty sure I have some of my own awesome mental issues that were both probably passed down to me from my dad and mom's refusal to change their mental health as well as what has developed from whatever neglect I had to deal with as a child. Like, if they both took 2 hours to go online, look for a local therapist and went consistently, maybe I wouldn't've even needed to write this out. But no, they just had us and basically said, 'It'll be aight."

That and also there has been countless times I have to expose my mental issues to my mother just for her to say, "I don't think you have that." Who gives a fuck what I think, she doesn't think I have it so she won't sign me up for help. I remember her even getting to the point of tears just by begging her to sign me up for literally any therapy. Maybe it is selfish, but I feel like I don't deserve this shit. I cover my own shit, my own job, my own transportation, my own mental yet everyone else does it better cause they have more help. I have to remake my whole fucking family just because I was born to tweedledee and tweedledum.

Also, this shit affects me getting a girl too. How the fuck am I supposed to know what a relationship is if I've never seen one actually work? Who am I supposed to go to for relationship advice when the two people who are supposed to 'always be there for you' either aren't or just aren't willing to be? I mean, I feel betrayed, disrespected, diminished, weakened, all by stuff I had no chance to defend. That along with a pretty low-but-realistic-ish self-esteem doesn't necessarily make me a great partner to be with.

Thing is with love though is that I've only ever heard it in my house. I feel like my mom tries to love, but she never really learned how to love so she does it in this weird, malformed way. Like, she'll give love if it's beneficial instead of always. When she starts blaming everyone but herself for a bunch of stupid shit, you start wondering if she even cares about the issue or if she just cares about making some point. This is my only family though and I dont really have a point of reference because nearly everyone else in my extended family sucks. I mean, I'm pretty sure there is a total of 2-3 people in my 10+ person extended family that aren't unbearable to be around.

I also feel disappointed in my mother's choice of men. For some reason, she decided to go from my disgusting father to a egotistical drunkard, because that's smart for your children. I remember a lot of yelling in the house for like, 7 years. 7 goddamned years of that and guess who never said a word? My mom. She only made change when it got too bad, but it shouldn't even need to get to that point to begin with. I've brought this up in therapy as well but there was a thing she said that was like, "we were used by that man." But it's just a thing of #1, we? and #2 i was used before I had the brain capacity to even know the concept of being used so more like 'abused' in my fucking opinion. Like, it's just random throw-away shit like that that that whittles down my trust & respect for her.

I know it's cliché but there is also a genuine jealousy issue too. Like, every single person I know has both their parents. I know the stats don't match up, but I'm telling you it's true. If they don't have dad, they have mom. If they don't have mom, they have dad. I only got my mom and if she isn't there I only have myself. Since she is the breadwinner of the house, she isn't really here. So I only really have myself in my family. I mean, I have siblings too but that effort is a collaborative one, not a parental one.

It feels very unfair to me that I basically have this load of mental issues I have to work through because my mom, from her own mouth, "can't figure me out." I just feel like I got the baggage of my mother and father's generational trauma thrown on top of me as well as my own baggage I have to work through. I'm still in high school bro, but I feel like if I don't work on this now I'm gonna turn into something just like them. I know I'll turn into my parents eventually, but I can at least do something they can't: be there fully. Emotionally, mentally, physically present and supportive for those I care about. I don't know how to but I'm gonna figure that shit out because I'd rather die than turn into my dad.

But yeah, there's my entry. I guess TLDR don't have kids if you aren't gonna fucking take care of them properly.

First time poster, long time lurker.

It all started back in February. I went to my girlfriends house for the week out of state(she lives in my state most of the time with family). It was supposed to be a fun trip and we had some exciting plans to climb, hike, and just be together after a stressful time of her job searching and being pretty inattentive. I thought it was gonna be great. She broke up with me out of nowhere 1000 miles away from home and i was absolutely devastated. I flew home and let myself cry in bed for a day before I got down to business.

I had been procrastinating purging my apartment for years. I accumulated so much shit from my childhood, dead relatives, and an endless amount of stuff I never used. It was daunting, but I knew it had to be done. The first thing I did was get treatment for ADHD and depression which I went unmedicated for my entire life. I admitted I needed help and something had to change so I redesigned my life. Got the meds, purged my apartment(took 12 full days morning to night), and started a relentless gym schedule on top of my regular climbing routine.

I still felt depressed, but it was undeniable I was making profound changes and progress in my life to show love for my future self. I've wallowed in my depression and i've "worked" through it in my life. Mostly defaulting to the former, but the last decade or so, have swung heavily toward the latter which is far more healthy.

On a random week day in the midst of organizing throwing shit away, I needed a break and decided to climb at my local gym. I was willing to boulder, but prefer climbing with ropes. This place gets absolutely packed during leak hours, but in the middle of the day mid week it's pretty deserted. I almost didn't bother, but decided to ask the front desk to make a call on the intercom for a belay partner. I sat and anxiously and awkwardly waited to see if anyone would show up. Shockingly, someone did. She approached me and said she could climb, but only for 30 minutes. It went well and I thought she was nice and chill, so I asked if she wanted to climb again sometime. She said sure and I gave her my number.

I kinda forgot about it and didn't reach out because I didn't know if she was just being nice or whatever. 3 weeks go by and she texts me asking if I can climb the next day. I was suprised to hear from her, but very happy to have a new friend/climbing partner! We had a longer session this time(2 hours) and it was fun. I thought she was really cool and down to earth. She reached out the next day to climb again and we did. Same thing, really fun and engaging. I should add that she is absolutely gorgeous and it was impossible for me to not have a little crush, but I was in no place to date.

Over the next couple months, we climbed multiple times a week EVERY week. I heavily prioritized her and would shift plans around to make sure I could hang out with my really cool friend. We just connected on so many intriguing levels, and it felt so fucking good when we were together. We had gone from the standard 2 hour climbing sessions to an absurd 4-5 hours regularly. The norm had become us climbing 40% of the time and "resting" and talking for the other 60%. I should add that i had a massive crush on her at this point, but I refused to act on it because I wasn't willing to compromise the integrity of our friendship. I didn't want to do the thing that so many guys do and almost all women experience at some point- making a move on my friend.

Gradually, the depth of our conversations grew and I started to wonder if she liked me too, but still was unsure and therefore unwilling to fuck it up. I could get over the crush, friends are forever. She texted me one day to ask about something not climbing related. Another day thay week, she texted me about a show she was at(that she had mentioned prior) and how disappointing it was. That same night, I looked up upcoming events and discovered one of my favorite DJ's was coming to town in a month. I casually asked if she wanted to go with me. She said yes, she'd love that. I felt good about it, really good. The next day, she asked me if i'd check out this ice cream spot with her the following day.

She picks me up at my place and i'm just a ball of nerves. All this energy surrounding my crush was impossible to hide. Was this a date or were we getting ice cream as friends?! We get our ice cream and walk around the town. After a bit, she suggests walking at a local lake. I enthusiastically agreed and we drive there and continue walking on a hazey, drizzly night. I was so anxious, but she seemed to be having a really nice time. When she drops me off at home, I'm just as confused an uncertain as ever. I really didn't want to mess up our friendship and wasn't willing to risk it, but i was simultaneously obsessed with this woman. I akwardly made small talk to drag out the moment, and eventually decided it was time to go before I made things more akward. As I was reaching for the door handle, she looks at me and boldly asks if I want to kiss. I pause and try to keep it cool to hide my profound joy, and give an akward "yeah". We proceed to have an extremely passionate make out session in her car and then I ask her if she wants to come upstairs. She said "ok!".

It felt like a movie or a fairytale or something. It probably doesn't seem as significant to others as it does for me, but the timing of it all felt so perfect, too perfect. She had also been in a place where she wasn't available to date when we first met. She was dating a woman at the time and was completely uninterested in dating men. In fact, she told me she actively tried to talk herself out of having a crush on me until she realized she was trying too hard and decided to just let it happen. We both talked about eachother extensively to our circles. They all knew about our gym crush.

There was no screen time with us, no texting other than to plan dates and give important updates. When we were together, we were so present with eachother and had no phone distractions. We just talked. We took our time and tried to keep things in perspective so we wouldnt lose ourselves in it. It felt like the most secure relationship I had ever been in. I met her family and best friend from out of state. I introduced her to my close friends and family. It all felt so easy and right.

One weekend in August we decided to go on this camping trip we had talked about for a while. It was so fun to be out there with her. On the second night, we decided to take some mushroom chocolate. These were really strong and had about 10 grams of mushrooms. We each took about a quarter of a bar. This proved to be more than i expected. It was a slightly intense onset and it came on really quickly for me. It was delayed for her. We walked around the area and looked at the stars. Not a big deal, but there were some weird vibes from some people camping that were just unnecessarily rude and a car that just kept driving by us like 6 times. It just kinda made me feel weird, but we just tried to focus on other things. The mushrooms were just so strong though, and I felt very over stimulated by my environment and also this pressure of wanting it to be a special night. At a certain point the chocolate kicked in for her and she was talking about her experience and trying to engage with me. I just felt so uncomfortable though, and didnt know what to say or do. It was like I was parylized or something. She started crying. I tried to hold and talk to her about it. She told me she feels like she's too much. I tried to comfort her and told her i was sorry and that I felt really overstimulated and didnt mean to make her feel disconnected. Looking back, I feel like something changed for her/us in those moments. That moment of disconnect. I asked if we could go lay down for a little while just to ease the nerves. I've done a my fair share of psychedelics, but had never felt this way on mushrooms. My soul was crying and felt helpless watching my body appear to just be numb and not present. I did eventually calm my nervous system enough to be functional again.

The rest of the night was good, but I instantly regretted taking the mushrooms and felt so much deep shame for not being able to show up for my girlfriend 💔. I made her feel alone. We ended the trip on a positive note the next day.

A few days passed after we got home and things seemed normal and good, but one day she brought up that night and how it made her feel. How she felt like its part of a bigger thing. That she shares her experience and is vulnerable with me, and I don't. It felt like we were going to break up, but we paused on it and met again later that day. She's right. I'm somewhat guarded even though i've always thought i was open. I lack the vulnerability she needs from her partner because i hide myself. I'm ashamed and scared of being weak or not having my shit together. I wrote in my journal and then wrote her a letter. I read it to her while bawling my eyes out. We cried together and we agreed that we both wanted to do the work even though it would be hard. We were close to breaking up that day, really close. I was serious though, I committed to doing the work. I talked to my therapist about it and would tell my girlfriend stuff that I hadn't shared with anyone ever.

My job responsibilities increased dramatically a few weeks later. 16 hour days every day for 2 weeks straight. We didnt have as much time to see eachother which is fine. What ended up not being fine is that I didnt have time for myself. I couldnt go to therapy, I couldnt go to the gym. In the brief periods between getting off work and going to sleep, i'd foolishly opt to see her. I'd be getting out of the shower 20 minutes after i got home as she was getting to my door. I thought it was fine. I was so busy and she must see and understand that. Not ok. I didn't realize until the second to last day of this job when she broke up with me how I had just defaulted on everything I promised. Not intentionally, but obliviously. I thought i could handle it. Not only did I stop my progress with self growth, but I didnt even have the self awareness or wisdom present to communicate to her that I was exhausted and my social battery was depleted. That I wanted to see you but maybe we should take the night of. OR I want to see you, but know that I might not be the compelling conversationalist I usually am. Too many nights of that made her lose her faith in our compatibility. That camping trip haunts me. Those work weeks haunt me. I know I cant hate myself because of those things, but it is really hard to be at peace with it all.

We're still in love with eachother, but she now feels like there is war inside of her and she can't be at peace in our relationship anymore. Too many doubts. We are committed to staying connected and involved as close friends. That gives me some peace in it not being goodbye, but she is the one that got away. I appreciate the support of this community and just needed to get this off my chest. I cry a lot, i miss her.

Dinner is an oat/date/protein shake and breakfast biscuits so I don't starve.

Alright, lads, I wanna say first, it's been a weird week for me by way of relationships. You know the story, met a girl, thought she was great, wasn't really super present for talking then she said "I don't feel the chemistry I need for a relationship"

Mind you, we legit were only talking for like 2 days and our sleep schedules didn't really match up much because of my specific work schedule. (I work swing shifts and it's my week on nights.) And for both of those two days, the time I DID make for her, she wasn't super present. Ah well. C'est la vie and all that nonsense.

Lads, I'm here to tell you, it gets better. I spent some time in the shop working on myself. I have found that I do not invest in a potential partner as quickly as I used to and so it doesn't really bother me like it might have a year or two ago.

Work on your mental health, boys and do not be afraid to hold a woman to the same standard you end up holding yourself to. You got this boys. Now yall get out there and show this world what for!

For my girl lurkers, same thing. But directed at the girls!

Dinner tonight is a personal favorite comfort meal. Brunswick chicken salad! One of the rare things I'll accept sweet relish in!

This dinner was a baked salmon with green onion and grape tomatoes.

Went to this San Diego piano bar (The Shout! House) for live music as I’m exploring the city solo for work. I was chilling alone until this girl asked if the seat next to me was open and I said go for it. We ended up singing and talked for a few hours and it was the most fun I had in the city in a while.

Sadly, she has to leave due to her work (she’s a flight attendant for Delta) to get some rest. I’m moving to Japan in the next few months so I didn’t think it would be worth pursuing. But now I’m regretting it and should’ve AT LEAST asked for number.

Don’t make the same mistake I made gents. GET THAT NUMBER.

The food’s blueberry pancakes and coffee.

Whenever I’m with someone, and they ask if I have a girlfriend (I never do LMFAO), I just say I’ve been trying to get a girl from wherever the person asking the question is from, but it’s been difficult.

You should see the joy on their faces whenever I say that. Last weekend, I had a Pakistani Uber driver who was a bit chatty, and he asked me about my girlfriend, which was a bit invasive, but I don’t mind haha. And I mentioned that I was looking for a Pakistani girl. He was elated and started giving me tips on how to get one, but then said I should go for Indian ones because Pakistani ones are conservative and rarely date someone who isn’t muslim. He also called them lazy lol. He did mention they like black guys though (I’m black).

I’m in Scotland, and I do the same with my Scottish colleagues too. One of them claims to be anti-immigration and supports Nigel Farage, but when some of us from work went out for drinks, he started introducing me to every Scottish girl in the bar LMAO. He goes “this is my friend from xxxxx”.

Same thing with my Indian friends too.

Dinner is congee with nothing but a pinch of salt in it

I may have chronic gastritis. It also kept me up last night. I’m so fucking angry. I’m SO FUCKING ANGRY

Food- Banh Mi from a local Vietnamese place

(Tl;dr: I have a lot of stressors in my life currently and I could benefit from some regular therapy; my last therapist was very aggressive in his practice and pushed me in some strange and uncomfortable ways, when I addressed this with him he doubled down which led to me stopping therapy)

I've been in and out of therapy since my senior year of high school, for various things like stresses of college and balancing my time and relationships. I've had a few bouts of some serious depression through the last few years and therapy has gotten me through it. I've had three different therapists in that time, all to varying degrees of success. I stopped seeing my first therapist for a stint after I felt things had stabilized in my life. After a breakup my sophomore year of college I began seeing her again, which lasted maybe a month. I stopped seeing her because she began using Facebook during our sessions, perusing her feed while I poured out my feelings to a subdued response. The first time it aggravated me, I mentioned it, and the next session she did not have her phone in the room, after that session she was back to scrolling Facebook and when she asked to schedule our next session at the end, I told her I would like to end sessions with her as a result of her phone usage during the time I paid for, as I felt she was not immersed in what I was saying nor was she providing any guidance. She seemed taken aback by this but agreed to end our sessions together.

My second therapist had a very promising start, she was in her late twenties as I was about to turn twenty. She had an older sister kind of vibe to her and she gained my respect very quickly because she was a very active listener and wanted to explore deeper into my past traumas and current stressors like the aforementioned breakup. About three months into regular weekly sessions, she informed me that she will unfortunately be ending her practice as the cost to maintain her practice kept rising over the months and she did not have enough clients to sustain herself monetarily. She boiled it down to the fact that she was not making a liveable wage after all of the garnishments for things like her space in the office of the therapy firm, her rent, and her monthly bills. I was pretty understanding about it, I knew she was pretty fresh out of grad school and was new to having her own practice. While I was a little miffed that I'd spent three months working through things with a bright outlook on future sessions, I understood that you just can't predict some things and that this was one of them. She let me know that before she left the counseling group that she would set em up with one of her coworkers who had a good reputation among therapists in my city and had many positive reviews from current and past clients. I checked the guy out on psychology today and yes, he's one of the highest rated therapists in my area. About a month later he contacted me for the first time about booking sessions to work, I even signed a consent form that my previous therapist's notes would be shared with him so that we could have an easy jumping on point when we began therapy.

Our first session began with him acknowledging the past notes, but ultimately saying that he wanted to get a fresh look at how things had been for me and wanted me to start things fresh. I'm not sure if that is regular practice, then again, I'm not sure if this is a case that has happened before. After taking a few sessions to give him a recap of things I had worked through with my other therapists, we began actually working on current issues in my life. He began to ask about my current girlfriend, we were maybe 3 months into our relationship at the time? He asked the standard questions: "How long have you been together?, Are you happy?, How did you meet?, Does your dynamic feel healthy?, yada yada". Near the end of those questions he asks "What's one thing you hate about her?" I was a little shocked so I asked him what he meant by that. He said something along the lines of "Well, everybody has things they hate about their partners, friends, and family, surely there's something about her that just gets under your skin?" To which I said no, if I hated something about her I simply would not be with her, she has aspects about her that are not my favorite thing, but I don't hate anything about her. He said that he had things that he hated about his wife (with whom he had just recently had a child I might add). And said that there has to be at least one thing I hate. I reaffirmed no to him, but he just wasn't taking it for an answer. I said I disliked her stubbornness, but it wasn't something I was hateful about, to which he asked me for a "real" answer, not a cop out. I was pretty stunned by this to say the least. This was an answer that he had prodded out of me and even after I changed my wording because I don't hate anything about my girlfriend he still wanted something more. I asked that we change the subject, as I didn't think we would get anything out of that topic and he agreed.

Over the next few sessions we talked about things like my environment growing up, things foundational to who I am as a person, and my views on religion and spirituality. Not too many notable interactions happened here, I do recall he mentioned to me that sometimes it felt like he was interrogating me rather than having a dialogue with me, not sure if that's a me problem or what that means but it happened. A few more sessions passed, and it was right before a two week break because of the holidays. Feeling that we were at a checkpoint, he asked me if there was anything that I'd wanted to talk about before the break. He asked me to lay it all out on the table, because he wondered if there were some topics I had wanted to talk about but we only mentioned and never elaborated on. I took this time to address the whole "What do you hate about your girlfriend?" topic from a month or two back. He said he was interested in that too, and asked if I had finally come up with something. I once again said no, I told him that the whole deal made me pretty uncomfortable, because I really do love my girlfriend and while we have our little disagreements and discrepancies, we get along a majority of the time, and have a happy and healthy relationship. He said that he didn't buy the whole happy and healthy thing. He said there must be something that she does that I hate or vice versa, and that we had things we hated about one another but refused to address for fear of confrontation. I told him that simply wasn't the case, and that any disagreements happened in a time and place where appropriate and we talked through things like adults, nothing ever went above a normal speaking voice, and we always debrief after to make sure all of our feelings get out.

He once again said that he didn't buy it. After going back and forth about what loving someone else means and what the keys are to a long happy relationship, I asked that our session be cut short, and that we could pick up after the break because frankly I didn't want to talk in circles with him about a subject which I said his persistence made me uncomfortable. He said something about that being the point of therapy and I walked out the door. I waited about two weeks and he messaged me asking if I had decided to schedule another appointment or if I wanted to wait a bit longer, I told him I was going to cancel his services as a result of multiple factors in my life such as school and work, and that his therapy "style" wasn't for me. That was a year ago. I haven't seen a therapist since, I've been able to keep things floating pretty steady for the most part, but lately I've been feeling like an outlet with a professional is the proper place to go about my issues rather than talking about things with my girlfriend and close friends. Anyone else out there with a similar experience? Any and all advice and stories are welcome. I've enjoyed being a part of this community even though I've been a lurker until this post. Thanks y'all.

Edit 1: Added line breaks for easy reading.

I think it speaks for itself what’s occurred here. I’m having a breakdown.

dinner’s some birria tacos w guacamole on the side

hey guys, hope y’all are doing well :)

some context, I (28M) from Colombia (tho i grew up in the States) and i am dating a (31F) from Germany. We have been dating over a year long distance (but are planning to move together next year!) and we have travelled to see each other as much as possible! we know our families, friends, we talk daily and honestly guys, this the most amazing woman in earth (corny i know) all this to say we have a good healthy relationship

this year has been the roughest time in my life. My mental health is crippling, i find myself drinking almost daily, my family is getting more and more health issues and i have been jobless for months and
i believe i have successfully isolated myself from people in my life and don’t have events/activities to do outside that makes me go out and interact with people, so, to put it in a nutshell, i am alone everyday in my house, i live alone

i used to believe that i had a lot of friends, and i do, but it’s not those friends that you talk to everyday or see constantly but just hang out w when you go for some beers and catch up. i do t have any friend close by, messages come and go but there’s still an underlying void in it, seeing someone takes some effort to move and then also i really haven’t done anything that is not having dinner or getting drunk with them- i can text friends, but, texting can only go so far right?

on the other hand, my girlfriend has an incredible circle, i know im also seeing this from my side of the pond but they truly are great people. people who listen, who care, who constantly chat between them and plan activities like making dinners, breakfast, they do things that are not just going to a bar (which is honestly, the only thing i know) and they travel and they visit each other - which is also like a european facility to travel easily though it anybody from southamerica knows that moving by plane or bus takes a lot of time and money

so i get to see this when we talk, and i am very happy for her and i would never feel discontent for her doing stuff w her friends. but then, when i finish the call, i find myself alone in a room with no friends or plans to do outside, and i… feel jealous, jealous bc i wished i could have people to invite over for a dinner, friends that i could go to a museum or watch a movie like she does, having people that genuinely care for me- and i do, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not necessary the same to talk with a friend one day and then say okay! see you next time w remember of each other (is this like the universal man thing?)

so yeah, i feel lonely, empty, and worthles. i wished i didnt, i wish i could help myself not feel miserable and questioning what have i done in my life to be in this position whilst wishing i have the same safety net and she does

made the food a lil while ago but i’m not showing off the two bottles of wine ive had for dinner tonight. cod and asparagus with beurre blanc, peach and arugula crostinis with balsamic.

not gonna go into full details, too fresh. but three months of genuine connection ends with her telling me that she wants a relationship and cares deeply for me, while also not wanting a relationship since she needs to explore herself, but she doesn’t want to lose what we have. she was so worried that she would eventually ruin it that she just ruined it now instead of later.

boyfriend level effort for situationship level commitment just isn’t gonna fly. she spent most nights sleeping in my bed with me but got cold feet as soon as real feeling started to develop. i have too much to offer to the right person, and the right person isn’t gonna treat me like that.

i’ve had a pretty shit life, and i usually let people like that walk all over me for the slightest crumb of affection. really proud of myself for recognizing that she wasn’t the one no matter how much i wanted to give her the world.

the people in my life WILL be kind to me, and WILL treat me like they want me. at a bare minimum.

Food- Chicken, potato balls, n broccoli

Been pretty lonely lately, so it’s been making me think about the times I’ve had relationships or think about things that “could’ve” been. I’m 25 and have had only 2 relationships w 1 close one as well. I think about the first the most bc I felt she understood me the most.
I ultimately broke up w her bc she had trust/insecurity issues and let alone alcohol problems as well, top it off w her becoming a flight attendant so yeah.. I was always there for support but the more I stayed the more drained I felt. Even when I never gave her a reason to not trust me she would text me “we’re done bye! F U” has stopped sharing locations 2 min pass by has started sharing locations “I’m sorry I’m sorry I didn’t mean that” and so forth. Like, how could I trust you traveling if you couldn’t even trust me in the same town? She says she had “undiagnosed” bipolar symptoms so yeah. She always wanted me to text her every second but she also deserves her “alone” time as well. Everytime we would hang out she always had a hint of liquor under her breath and it would make me sad. There’s more to it but honestly, I think about the good as well.
My 2nd relationship was more one sided.. on the last day of our relationship she told me she never felt the same and just used me to get over her ex. She found out her ex was having a baby with the girl he cheated on her with and told me that baby should’ve been with her… shattered me. I told her why didn’t you tell me in the beginning and her excuse was “idk… It’s because I’m a girl.” Then left. First time in my life I couldn’t eat because of someone, cried myself to sleep and cried whatever I had left the next day in the morning.. I’d say we were together for almost a year. I fell for her bc maybe I was looking for the love I felt I deserved?
lastly,
I met a punk rock woman whom I saw a future with. The compatibility was there but the more I look back the more I see she was avoidant.. in short I was led on to believe something was going to happen then was told “I’m just not looking for a relationship right now” and gets into one not long after… We all know what that means. This one made me depressed for a while bc it made me insecure about myself as a person.
Looking back, sometimes I think women can be hurtful and I just would rather not deal with any sort of pain that comes along so my guard is up. I would love to share conversations, cuddle, get to know someone on a deeper level but I don’t know… Especially w the way the dating scene is nowadays…peace is what I’m choosing for now at the cost of Loneliness.

mongolian beef noodles for dinner. i made them myself. last time i made them, i took the instructions on the noodle packet a bit too seriously, so i then had uncooked noodles that were gross and crunchy/mushy on the outside. EEEEYUCK!

anyway, content warning, general talk of mental health disorders, the aftermath of those disorders, some kinda heavy mental health issues, yadda yadda.

i’m 16, i’ve been diagnosed with quite a few severe anxiety disorders, depression, and audhd (not TECHNICALLY diagnosed, but EVERYBODY, including doctors, agree that i have it). thank you mom and dad.

im off my meds rn because i always forget to take them, so my brain is zapping and im half delirious, please bear with me, lmk if there’s any spelling mistakes or shit doesn’t make sense.

i’m uhhh like an entire year behind in school now, as a teachers strike last year really fucked me over. i want to say that depression and overall shitty mental health is what put me so far behind, but i’m worried im relying too heavily on those diagnoses.

i feel like shit 24/7, THATS because of prolonged black mold exposure, but it’s made it so difficult to get out of bed and go to school, even just waking up. it’s like there’s an internal pressure all over my body and it refuses to let up. i can’t say it hurts, but if it could, it 100% would.

i feel paralyzed at the thought of anything that requires effort. is it laziness? am i using my illnesses as an excuse to do nothing? i would love nothing more than to get up and go do things, go catch up on school and make friends, but i can’t move, i can’t even think.

even trying to write this out and explain it, it’s taking me a good hour. i hate it.

my dumbahh psychiatrist has told me over and over that he doesn’t believe me, that he thinks i’m making it up or trying to fuck with him. my old principal said he didn’t believe me. nobody believes me. and usually i’d be fine, i know how i feel, but it’s from everybody. i have no support. (principal and psychiatrist named because they have heavy influence over everything)

two people believed me, both of which i could say groomed me, and neither are in my life anymore.

i am completely alone.

i can’t tell anymore if its my depression or im lazy or simply unmotivated.

i’m stuck in a limbo, and i can’t get out.

i’ve been trying to get a job for three years, im literally out of options unless i start reapplying. out of 30-50 places ive applied to (which is all this tiny ass town has), i’ve gotten ??? 3 emails back? rejection emails. i called around too, NOBODY ANSWERED??????

everybody’s up my ass about getting a job and school and graduating and catching up, i am so angry, and im stuck here. i’ve been debating hospitalizing myself, because lord knows ending my shit is inevitable, but then i’ll be even further behind on school, i’ll lose my only rocks (my animals), i’ll be stuck in a hellhole with zero privacy.

usually i’m stable enough that i don’t consider myself at risk, but then it’ll get really bad. the closest ive got to hospitalization is standing outside of my towns hospital, before my mom texted telling me to come home. i don’t want to be hospitalized. but i’m sick and sometimes dangerous to myself and others, and i don’t know what’s best.

i feel like if i wasn’t ill, this would be a lot easier to deal with. people go through slumps all the time, im sure, but i can’t gauge if im being dramatic or if my illnesses are actually this bad. i can’t imagine living my entire life like this

i am so torn and i am so tired.

i’m going to go to bed, goodnight everybody ily

took my meds tonight though LOCKED IN

TLDR; I left our hotel room early with our luggage to check the bags at the concierge after waking gf up. I Didn’t tell her where I was going out of spite and now she decides she can no longer stomach this kind of uncertainty of abandonment based on my temperament. She “didn’t mean to” seriously break up with me several times before, but idk if I should try salvaging this relationship anymore.

I (m24) met my gf (f23) from our graduate program and we have been together since last December after knowing each other for a couple weeks. We had endless stuff to talk about at the time and we were comfortable l sharing with each other our deepest vulnerabilities and aspirations. Soon after we got together, we faced numerous hiccups of different severity in our relationship, but we eventually always continue and try to find solutions (because we still love each other).

What lead to her final decision this time, in my opinion, are rather minute, but I’ll try to be as fair as possible in recalling what happened.

We’re on fall vacation on a trip to Washington, DC. Today is the final day of the trip and we’re checking out of the hotel and going to the airport. I’ve been lucky to adjust to the east coast time zone much better than my gf, so I woke up earlier than her and managed to pick up everything from the floor and pack our stuff and get ready. I finished everything when it was about time to check out, and I picked out some clothes for her to wear. I tried to wake her up and bugged her a little by prodding my palm against her from outside the blanket. Her morning grumpiness got the better of her and she hit me a little too hard. I got a bit upset, so when she woke up I just picked up my bag and our suitcase and left the room in front of her. I left her bag (with both our passports in it), her set of clothes, phone, and glasses with her.

I checked our stuff with the concierge and waited in the lobby. After about 15 minutes since I left our room I called her to urge her to come down. She came down and didn’t talk with me much. We had some simple hotdogs for lunch from across the street and didn’t share more than five sentences. After returning back to the hotel she told me that she had enough of my antics, and when repetitively asked for clarification, tells me that she wants to break up. She felt that me bringing the suitcase with me meant that I was leaving for the airport without her, and that it didn’t matter if I was actually at the airport or just waiting for her in the lobby, as my action implied such threat.

Currently we’re on our flight back home and I’m at a total loss. I don’t know what to do or what I want. I think her breaking up with me over this is utter bullshit, even though I do agree with and recognize the mental strife she claims to suffer because of me.

To be fair, I have childhood-rooted anger issues (I kind of resonate with Bill Burr on this) and a lot of our big fights / conflicts stem from my poor handling of emotions and overall volatile temperament. On the other hand, she is an emotionally sensitive person and often have trouble making hard decisions under pressure. However, over the course of our relationship I did put continuous effort in fighting this and I have made visible progress that both of us can see, and our DC trip have gone pretty smoothly so far up to this point (we always had some big or small fight on trips in the past). There were times where we both took serious deep introspection of ourselves and decided to keep trying. And, for the most part when we aren’t arguing, we’re genuinely happy to be with each other. So, I still can’t help but feel that she is disproportionately punishing me for this small mistake (compared to past conflicts, this is something minor), and I think part of her just wants to get a good reason to be upset and get things over with.

When making crucial decisions in life, I try to adhere the principle of not making choices that I’ll regret, whether they be wrong or not. Right now I genuinely don’t know what to feel about this, and I’m hopping back and forth between the stages of anger and bargaining in my head. I still believe we both still love each other, but maybe we’re just incompatible. I’m emotionally immature and she’s fragile. Maybe we just met at the wrong time?

Breakfast from day before (had it before gf woke up):
Iced latte with oat milk and papa protein breakfast bowl (gauc, eggs, potatoes, bacon) at bougie coffee place.

Edit:
Thanks, a lot of yalls straight comments helped me clear things up, I’ll give therapy a more serious shot :). I didn’t think therapy as a too effective solution as no one mentioned it to me before, and my parents and gf actively discouraged me from doing more in the past. But I’ll now do better for myself :) what other ways can one improve in these issues?

I’ll apologize one last time for the harm I caused.

Edit 2:
I did gently kiss her awake first and tell her that we need to go to the airport. But she wasn’t moving much so I rubbed her a bit with my hand over the blanket, “prod” was probably inappropriate.

Dinner is couscous with vegetables and chicken.

I grew up up very insecure about my looks, especially that I had quite a big birthmark on my face. I felt like an alien and an outsider throughout my childhood and teen years. My family always complemented my birthmark and said it actually „suited“ me, which I always thought is bullcrap, and thought they were saying that to make me feel better about myself. The insecurity about my looks has gotten even worse in my early adult life, trying to date as guy who’s into guys. Iykyk.

Skip forward to a couple of years ago, a lot of things have changed. I moved abroad, I have been putting in some work to take care of my body, style, and ofc my mental health. I don’t personally think one single aspect of my looks/personality changed drastically, and I’m definitely still growing and changing.

And BAM, I have started getting a lot attention, I keep getting compliments about my looks, smiles from strangers, I sometimes catch someone staring at me in a flirty way (dk how to explain). I was partying last July, and a girl approached me and said I am the most handsome guy she’s ever seen.. which I think is far from the truth.
My younger self would have LOVED the attention. I on the other hand am a little weirded out by it, especially that I get most of it from girls/women.
I mean this definitely helped me gain more self confidence, and feel more secure or may be reassured, I’m just used to fading into the background and actively trying to be invisible. I wish I could either embrace it and make the best of it, or just avoid it all together.

I’m not very good at explaining myself but I hope the idea was clear enough.

I play in a league that has a bunch of ex G leaguers, ex college players, etc. Basically, everyone in the league is the best player in 99% of all pickup games at the gym/park.

My entire life has been basketball. My profession is, you guessed it, basketball. I'm a trainer, I work with players in the G league, college, WNBA, etc. I'm not the best player of all time by any measure, I never even made it to the NBA myself, but I've managed to do what I love for a living, which is awesome.

My wife is usually busy with her family, and because ball it literally life for me - I don't mind that she doesn't make it to the games often.

But, she showed up to her first game in 2 months tonight, and I put on a fucking SHOW, boys.

31 points, 12 assists, 11 rebounds, 4 blocks, 4 steals, 5 dunks, at the ripe old age of 38. I shook one guy straight out of his shoe. I was the fucking man tonight, and it feels pretty fucking great.

It's honestly so cool to show my wife some flashes of my prime. I'm so getting laid tonight.

Dinner is roasted barbecue chicken thighs, and some veggies. I will be eating this entire tray.

2 Taco bell soft taco no lettuce, and a quesadilla wrap

Got off a shift tonight, my job has me working several different positions right now depending on the day, and one position pays significantly less than the others because of the way the taxes work. Talking with a coworker made me realized I’m basically doing the job for free, with only a small bonus at the end of the night. I was okay with that cause the bonus was half decent, but tonight management made a decision that basically cut that bonus to 1/3rd of what it was. They know that this decision basically solely affects how much I make, but they did it anyway despite telling me how grateful they are for my help.

I’m going onto month 8ish of a long-term breakup, and a lot of therapy has made me realize that I was being taken for a ride for the most part. I like to think there was actual love there at some point, but it remains true that after the breakup she’s basically in the same place but with more education that I tutored her through, a car I helped repair and pay for, and a pet that I paid to keep alive. And I’m 10’s of thousands of dollars poorer, far more mentally ill, and stuck in place. She was happy to take my help until I drew the line at alcoholism.

I was talking to a girl for the past couple of weeks, and she seemed to really like me (at least that’s what she said), and she really liked that I’m a decently talented writer, so I could write colorful and pretty excerpts about her. She had me do this like five or six times because she really liked it and it made me happy to make her happy. She ghosted me a week ago. I’m not really mad that she stopped talking to me, everyone reserves that right. I’m just upset that she let those weeks of flirting and sweetness happen, had me write whole essays about her, and didn’t think I was worthy of even a “this isn’t gonna work” text.

Every job I’ve ever had in my life, half of all the relationships I’ve ever had with another human being, have all just been them using me for my body or mind. I know that, on some level, that that undertone exists at the core of all of human society, but I’m just so, so tired of it being all that I’m worth to people that I trust.

It’s been a core tenant of my being for years now, since I was a teenager, that because of my position as a strong, young man I’m always going to be willing to go out of my way to help others at my own detriment if they need it. I know that that’s dumb, but it helps me sleep at night. I’m tired of people recognizing that principle inside of me and immediately knowing they can use it against me. I’m tired of employers seeing that I’m willing to pick up extra shifts when others can’t and abusing me until I can’t think anymore. I’m tired of romantic interests recognizing that I’m gullible when it comes to women and using me for an ego boost until they get bored. I’m tired of people thinking that I don’t see what they’re doing, and not knowing that I’m letting it happen because their happiness matters more to me than my comfort.

I’m tired

Pizza and a boozy blue Long Island from a corporate bowling outing.

How do I move on?

What’s the time frame on that?

It’s been a year and 7 months already since she left.

Does it go away after a while?

How is it for other people?

Are they not heartbroken?

Do the people who wander alone on the streets never pass me?

Is it only me who feels condemned by my mistakes?

What of the choices others have made to hurt me?

What of the times I continue to try to do better?

Will I ever find the space to meet the people who will love me again?

I feel like many would be pleased at my death. I don’t have the conviction to follow through with another attempt. I found that my first two attempts were foolish and utterly intolerable at the same time. I didn’t want to be alive, yet I couldn’t find the initiative within myself to make it happen.

The roof was too high to leap from.

The chair swung with a penultimate blow.

And yet, I caught myself before the rope tugged its grip.

Am I a coward?

I have hurt many people and have made questionable choices. But I don’t flinch at the consequences of my past actions. I become hurt by the idea that my past is all that matters.

Sure, I’ve tried to do some good. I guess? Maybe it’s all null and void now.

I’m well-traveled, having been to Texas, Minnesota, Georgia, Florida, New York, North Carolina, and England in such a short span. It was nice for a time. I’ve explored many places in my home state. Seen sights. Walked to many places alone. Went skydiving to see if I had any sense of self-preservation.

I did all of this alone.

No one to share the joys with.

No one to create an undying memory beside.

And still, it lingers.

The guilt.

The regret.

I mean, if I’ve lied, cheated, and hurt people emotionally,

Don’t I deserve to die?

Don’t I deserve to suffer?

“You’re not our people anymore”.

What gives?

Everywhere I go, I see those eyes.

Eyes that say, “You will never change. I know who you are, what you were, and what you will be. You are worms’ food, depriving them of the only good your body can muster, with your decaying corpse writhing underneath the dirt.”

I’ve had moments with alcohol that make me question the very foundation of whether I should try to do more good. I have allowed myself to use alcohol to cover my weaknesses, hurting women because of it. Because of my choices.

I feel disgusted with myself.

I did this to them.

What worth is my own heart’s aching in the wake of what I did to them?

It’s nothing compared to the monuments of betrayal I’ve allowed myself to commit.

Maybe there are some decisions you make that forever sever the ties that would’ve tightened if you had made better choices.

Maybe some that deprive you of your own humanity.

Someone I thought loved me once said,

“Well, you’ve never murdered, raped, or sexually assaulted anyone. You could be worse.”

Those same eyes see me time and time again, and I get the message loud and clear.

“You still exist. Why?”

“Life is better when you don’t cross our minds.”

Pov/life story. So my adoptive father was my maternal grandfather. Born in 01, biodad was never in my life, and due to what seemed like a civil war in my family after 08 my biomom took what side she did and was in shared custody between adopted parents until I decided to live with adopted dad, A.D., full time. A. D. passed the day before Valentine’s Day of ‘21 and was a semi paraplegic teacher who taught for over 30 years before retiring and after tearing both rotator cuffs was put in a assisted living community. He stayed so long teaching because of me, all his kids went through his class and I wanted to as well. One of his bio kids grew up to be a neurosurgeon. Growing up and shaping my consciousness in both of their shadows, gleaning lessons like “care about everyone, give a shit about a few, and before your kids come along love only one”, “sometimes it’s better to be a black sheep than a white one and learning when to grab the spray paint is one of life’s hardest challenges”, “everyone’s got a sob story, more than a few have one of determination, yet only the worthy have one of survival”, “everyone’s fighting battles and some can’t be seen but all leave scars”, “learn the trend for the body but tailor the medicine to the patient”, “reality is what is it and is not what is not. Learn to take take the self out of the equation” among many others was odd. Learning things that seem common yet most don’t seem to comprehend. My uncle told me that I have the mind of a physician though not the hands of a surgeon after he watched me field dress a deer and would later on go on to tell me that due to the way I do what I do and think/am “You’d make a mediocre physician but a DAMN GOOD P.A.” Nowadays, found myself in what seems like a foreign land after A.D.’s passing, when I grew up in an ocean of corn being now in one of cold gray stone and what seems like fake smiles, lost in an endless maze of both mind and existence unable to verbalize a thousand miles from where I was born(not exaggerating the 1000 miles part). Been completely on my own since as well as cognitively regressed, for lack of a better word, to almost nothing and clawing, albeit slowly, back to where I was mentally before 2020. Lowest point in life so far, I found myself living outta my car in St. Louis with true crackhead and almost getting shot while I was there. Wrong place, wrong time and not even 20 then. I watched someone have an intentional rifle accident, blowing his head off. Being on the spectrum with a fixation on lessening people’s burdens, esp their pain, it never goes away, the thoughts, the smell of burning human flesh mixed with gunpowder. Seeing that in person it changes you in ways you can’t explain. The best way I can describe it nowadays it’s like I’m an eternal outsider everywhere I go. I try to reach out but can’t because I never know what to say, moreso how to tailor it to the person I’m talking to. So many options it’s overwhelming, doesn’t help I’ve been called weak before when I’ve tried. Not one soul stops and says hi, no one asks about me, it’s like I’m wearing Harry Potters invisibility cloak everywhere I go, invisible in to everyone that surrounds me. Cast adrift in a sea of people. It hasn’t helped that whenever I’ve tried before, I’ve been called weak for feeling. But even as a kid I’ve always wondered what happens when Atlas falls.
Meal- beef and onions with some rice

My ex and I officially split at the start of August, had not had intercourse since July. On Wednesday night, she dropped on me that she was tested positive for chlamydia during a routine checkup.

My jaw dropped. I didn’t know how I was to feel after hearing such news. I immediately asked her if she had seen anyone else after we split, and she said no. I had just started a new relationship, one where my new partner explicitly asked me if I was tested and/or clean. I told my new partner “my ex was too reserved, there is no way that either of us could have gotten something.”

My ex was brought up in a very religious household, one where there was no privacy. She was very reserved, very thoughtful and planned everything to a tee. A lot of anxiety she had if things were not exactly to a schedule with ten different backups. She seemed so perfect in the sense of being a “goody little two shoes”, by the books person.

Our relationship failed from a stale bedroom. We both played a part in this failure; from her own insecurities and being unable to show any desire, from mine where I wouldn’t lay off pleasing myself to tide through. There was opportunity for both of us to change, but neither of us ultimately did.

For the better part of three and a half years, I tried to breathe confidence into her. I helped support through many different health crisises and ultimately invested in a larger future when we both decided to move into a new rental house for kids and pets. We never got anywhere. We were at each other’s throats for the betterment of half a year and now are completely split.

I anxiously went to an STI clinic and got tested. It felt so damn icky. For the 24 hours it took to get those results back in my provincial health profile, my new partner and I patiently waited for results - both anxious about not being firm on getting tested in the first place.

I look this afternoon.

Negative - completely clean.

I’m ecstatic, absolutely relieved that there was nothing I passed down to my new partner, especially after a trust was broken with me being presumptuous.

Then the thoughts of my past started dialing in. All that family time without me, late nights at work, talks of family planning. To see my life go to shit, losing my best friend, and now knowing I was potentially cheated on???

I could ask her for answers. I could get clarity and close this chapter of my book, but it’s not worth it. It’s already over. I had already asked her for some more time to pack her leftover shit in the house, and snapped on her when I didn’t like her answer of denial.

I had to see her today unfortunately. I left work late and wasn’t able to get our (my) puppy out of their way for the last bit of moving she needed to do. With all the anxiety I had inside me and my fight response, I swallowed my feelings, walked in, got my dog, walked out.

This weekend, I feast on triple Costco glizzy and a pizza to pack my house up into storage, clean, repair, and get drunk on all the leftover wine from dinner parties.

Maybe this is not as dramatic and interesting as most other posts i read here but anyways. Writing it down might help me put my thoughts in order. Also, sorry for any possible weird english, my first language is spanish.

So, basically im happy with my life. I (m31) have a job that is tolerable, my own house, a boyfriend that loves me and loving parents. But i feel really lonely besides that. I consider myself friendly enough even if im kind of shy, never lacked friends or people to spend time with.

After high school i made a friend group (which i will refer to as Old Group) whomst i spent a lot of time with, do a lot of things together and even planned vacations. They were a bit older than me in general, but that wasnt an issue. We had fun, grew together, the works.

Eventually though, i felt as if i wanted a bit more variety, connections wise. We were all mostly nerds and our plans consisted mostly in hanging out at home or going out for dinner or coffee. I never went out clubbing and going out with them felt a bit... like going out with mom and dad. It was boring. As a gay man, i always wanted a group of gay guys to maybe go out, hit on guys and have a little bit more of fun clubbing.

So: Enter the New Group. About 3 years back i meet this group of queer guys and girls through another friend (lets call him Bob), and we start going out a lot. The vibe is completely different, they are a bit younger than me (i was 28, they are around 25), really into music, techno, dance, partying... i start going out clubbing with them. We sometimes hook up with each other, all fun and games. I get a huge crush with one of them, i get over it. Basically they become the guys i spend most of the time with. Bob and I become good friends, i spend a lot of days at his place with him and his boyfriend.

I try not to neglect Old Group, but we are in different stages of life. They all are coupled, working abroad, or having a busy life in general. So we start to drift apart. We never have a big fight or anything but things just feel a bit... forced. Like im spending time with them just because. Im also the only one whos single at the time, which makes me feel a bit... singled out. Being the youngest i always feel like i have slightly different opinions on everything and i feel patronised. I value their opinions a lot and look up to them, but i feel the wedge between us growing.

Also its not like I just go partying with New Group, we also organize picnics, or dinner at my place, birthdays, concerts, the works. New friends are way more social after all. I feel like everything with them is more intense. We even go to a festival together. Here is where things start to go south.

New Group are really into night life, this includes drugs etc. Im not really against it as a principle, i like to experiment and have fun! But the more i do it i just feel like... i just dont enjoy it. Or, to be precise: I grow bored of it. I try drug A, have a crazy night, next day im hungover and feeling like the whole thing is just meaningless. I try drug B, same thing. Honestly? I mostly miss just having fun, dinner or drinks with my New Group. They are funny and interesting, but night life just makes me feel stressed and weird, wildly insecure about myself. I end up leaving early and walking home crying most of the time. Dont get me wrong, its a bit love-hate. I like the IDEA of being sexy and meeting a hot guy at the club, but it always ends up being a one night stand, or a guy i would never hook up while sober. I also dont like how some of my friends behave while partying, especially Bob, the guy that im closest with. Hes also really catty to me and i dont like how he treats me. I feel like he is childish, and doesnt respect me at all. Also, everything seems to revolve around drugs with this friends. Its tiring, its fake, its just... feela like means nothing.

The festival days just exacerbate this. After three days of partying nonstop and the whole group having a HUGE drama with Bob i decide to not go on festivals again with them. I still go clubbing and random plans, but i keep trying to reduce my drug intake to just what "feels" ok. This ends up being just alcohol.

Fast forward to next year, New Friends want to go to the same festival again, and i tell them i wont go. They understand of course, there is no peer pressure here, we are all adults. Unfortunately i get into a stupid argument with Bob, and i just feel... tired. Like i dont want to apologize for something its clearly his fault. I could try and forgive him but i feel like he is just going to be hurtful to me again, so whats the point?

This is when i start feeling that the whole group is coming apart. Its not like the rest side with Bob, but its just... we are not really THAT close. My closest friend was Bob. The rest just dont care that much about me, or not enough to spend time just with me. Our argument just makes everything weird. I realize that my New Group friends are just... well. Party Friends. All of our intense conversations, our hookups, our fun... Its just drug-fueled. It all amounts to nothing.

And yet... Im still bored hanging out with Old Friends. We are distant, i dont feel like they get me. I feel like ive changed. I dont exactly feel at home with them, but im still a nerd, i dont see myself clubbing again with New Friends (or trying to make up things with Bob for that matter).

In the meantime i meet my boyfriend on a dating app. I feel less lonely, but he (like me) values his personal time and his friendships, so we agree that we should have some days for ourselves and not be the typical sticky couple. We are very close these months, very honey moon phase, but i agree with him.

He tells me that he worries about me not hanging out with my friends more, and that he doesnt want me to become reclusive. It hurts me to hear him say that, because i didnt do it on purpose, but i agree. I just dont know how to meet new friends just like that.

Maybe im getting old, maybe im just no longer patient enough or im becoming more grumpy. It scares me that most people I know lately just dont seem interesting to me. I miss a group of people who makes me feel at home. I miss doing plans.

TLDR (and its a LOT to read so i get it): Switched friend groups and now i feel like i dont fit with any of them, and i also feel like making new friends from scratch is getting way harder as i age.

Late night dinner is some cold vichyssoise soup i made for my boyfriend the other day. Also a banana.

Sorry for the bad spelling and grammar. English is my native language but I've been crying all day, I'm mentally exhausted from my mood swings and from my intensive ass degree and I'm a little bit drunk because I was drinking to ease the pain a little bit. So I can barely see the keyboard on my phone as I'm typing this out and I can barely think through my tears.

I've been struggling really hard with my mental health recently. I've always had intense mood swings where I'd be on top of the world for a few weeks, then borderline suicidal for the next few. This is nothing new, I haven't had stable mental health since the day I've come out of my mum's womb. But this time was different.

University has opened up a lot of unhealed wounds I've carried since childhood, and moving across the country has made it even harder for me to cope with stuff like this. Don't get me wrong, I love university and I love living by myself, but on my low days and during those quiet nights my mental health starts breaking down and my head starts racing. My counsellor has suggested that I could have a form of ADHD or BPD, but even though we have "free healthcare" In the UK, I won't get tested until maybe 10 years later if I go by the NHS and I can't afford to go private.

Not only that, but sleeping around with different girls during freshman year last year also revealed just how much damage getting raped when I was 12 did to me. I'm still afraid to be intimate with a woman. I'm still disgusted at myself everytime I get aroused and I'm still inexperienced in bed, despite having a "body count" of double digits now. What I hate the most is how male rape and sexual assault cases, especially when it was done by a woman, is so marginalised.I feel like I'm invisible amongst survivors of sexual abuse and I almost feel alienated. Just because I'm a man doesn't mean I'm any less of a victim. I've had to live through the same nightmare, yet I have no resources to help me cope, and no one even seems to take me seriously.

My grandfather, who I was really close with also suffered a near fatal medical emergency this summer and during that time, my then girlfriend cheated on me during her girl's trip to America before exposing my trauma and my insecurities to all of her friends, who then aired out everything at a houseparty. It felt like my life was falling apart at that moment and on top of my already bad mental health I was on the verge of ending it all a few weeks ago. Looking back I'm grateful for everything as it's made me realise how fucked up I actually am behind my facade and despite it breaking me down, it's also starting to slowly build me up as a new person.

In the middle of all of this two kittens showed up at my door back home, and completely lit up my life. For as long as I remember I've always wanted a cat, and in that moment it almost felt like God's own gift to me during one of my darkest times. I've even told my friends in university all about them. I've given both of them names, taken care of them as much as I could during the weekends and the excitement to see them kept me going throughout the weekdays. I've gotten so attached to them, and they've started to warm up to me as well, they started to be more adventurous around me, and even started playing with me a little bit. And then my parents gave them away.

I don't blame them, we have a dog already and my parents are planning to buy another 2 German Shepherd puppies in the near future, they don't have the time or energy for two more cats in the house, and as much as I love the kittens I'm only home 2 days a week, having to live in my apartment close to my university for the other five. I can't help my parents take care of the kittens during term time and my sister is well, pretty useless when it comes to pets. I don't blame them at all but their excuse really pissed me off. They said that the kittens weren't warming up to them and they don't want pets that don't warm up to the family. Well it's their fault for the kittens not warming up to them. They put the kittens in a whole seperate building, never spent time with them outside of feeding time and what's funny is that the person who technically was around them for the shortest time, me, they warmed up to the fastest because I just did everything around them and stayed near them every time I was home.

I know it's the best for the kittens that they are adopted by a family that cares for them and loves them. But it's left a gaping hole in my heart. I didn't cry when my grandad was on his death bed. I didn't cry when my ex girlfriend cheated on me a week later because she was "tired of having to deal with my shit luck" And then told everyone about the fact I was raped when I was a child and I get PTSD whenever I tried having sex with her. I didn't cry when my good friend killed himself because of depression but I cried for the first time in almost 12 years tonight because two kittens I've taken in and taken care of for three weeks got given away. And just when I thought I can finally have some happiness to myself it gets snatched away because my parents won't listen to my advice, egotistically believed they knew best on how to raise cats and then gave up on them despite knowing how much their son has always wanted a cat. I'll really miss my kittens and I'm completely devastated.

On the surface I have everything. I'm good looking, I pull girls easily, I have a big group of friends and I'm somehow popular in university, I'm a college athlete and I'm studying a good degree. But underneath that I'm completely fucked up. I'm insecure, traumatised and borderline suicidal. Every single day has been a war for me for the past few months and I'm tired. I put on a confident, almost arrogant facade because I don't believe anybody else should deal with the shit I carry, but I don't know how long I can pull this off for.

I'll really really really miss my kittens.

Food is Air Fryer crispy pork belly, onions and mushrooms on rice

Teriyaki chicken wrapped in tortilla (tortilla is off screen cause I was cooking in advance for 3 days. The other thing off screen is a lot of beer to just cope I guess)

Well, I own a Labrador retriever, the English type. And today, during a regular talk with my mom (I moved out and live in a different city) she said how “saddened and upset” she was.

While walking with their (her and my father’s) dog, a pug, she saw some black dog, who was bullied (not outright attacked, just barking and shouting teeth, dog owners here certainly know) by familiar dogs, those are neighbors’ (the area around their apartment complex is fenced, most dog owners know each other)

Upon closer inspection it turned out it’s (at least he bears a heavy resemblance to) an American labrador (mine is English, wider head), around 6-7 moths, a boy

Mom did put out some dog food for him, unfortunately he only had a couple of bites (obviously, dogs under heavy stress lose appetite). He has a collar, mom asked around, people she encountered from the neighborhood. One woman said that she saw a car driving up there this morning, dropping the puppy off, and then driving away

Unfortunately, even though the puppy was following her, mom just decided to go on with her business, because OF COURSE her fucking gym is more important than a crying pup, she only goes there 3 TIMES A WEEK.

After she told me about all this I expressed my EXTREME disappointment. Cause she brought up this topic by saying how “sad and bummed” she was. I said that all of that are pathetic stupid ass excuses, actually she just didn’t want to bother and wanted to get to her gym. She admitted that she “chickened out” and should have helped him. I convinced her that they should shelter him and I’ll help, even though I’m in another city

Later he was seen by mom again, but he was spooked by the presence of another dog (she was with her pug), then dad went out to find him, but couldn’t. I just hope they eventually find him

The problem is… I’ve never felt so emotionally invested in such things before. I get it if you choose not to involve yourself with saving an ill and severely injured animal which you can’t predict how it will react. My good friend, the wife of one of two of my best friends, deals with such cases, she recently saved a half dead kitten while being pregnant, imagine all the stress. But I, unfortunately, don’t have the mental strength to get involved in such severe cases. Usually I keep the quite cynical (although understanding) “you can’t save them all” mentality

But this one, for some reason, hits different. Very different. Maybe because it’s another Labrador. Maybe because I haven’t fully recovered from the death of my previous dog (died of cancer at very old age, this event hit me like a truck, led to a debut of the bipolar disorder. Later got the aforementioned labrador, made it better). My friend mostly deals with cats, and I’m not a cat person so I didn’t really care (no offense to any cat persons, I love all animals but still prefer dogs. Donated money for cat’s medical bills though, but mostly because the person dealing with this was my good friend)

I… I just feel so fucking terrible, I didn’t even expect this. I feel guilty for not being able to help, even though I understand that there’s nothing I could do and nothing I can do for now. All I can do is hope that my parents encounter that pup again and shelter him. From there I can work

Not looking for advice, just needed to pour my heart somewhere. My boyfriend keeps the “well, it’s sad, but you can’t save them all” mentality (but this is fair)

Would like to read your comments though

I know it's a bit unpopular in these quarters. Lots of people have had their own issues with substances, which understandably inform their opinions. Others just believe in the benefits of a healthy lifestyle, and more power to them.

But I like a drink. I enjoy the taste of a whiskey. I like the mellow, relaxed feeling of a beer buzz. Hell, I even enjoy getting just a little drunk every so often. Just enough that everything is funnier and more interesting and more exciting. Sure I hate the hangover. Sure my liver isn't my biggest fan. But I have one life to live, and if drinking a little more than is healthy brings me happiness, why shouldn't I?

Because my partner hates it, that's why. Together 10 years, and she's never liked when I reach for a beer. Only this year it has escalated to "feeling unsafe" when I drink.

I'm not a mean drunk by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe I get a bit more involved in a video game or my work when I have a beer or two, because I'm in flow. Maybe my eyes look a little glassier. That's really the worst of it.

So what do I do? It's something I genuinely enjoy, and she's essentially requiring me to give it up to continue our relationship. I know it should be an easy choice but it's hard, actually.

You can call me an idiot for feeling this way, I don't mind. Maybe you can encourage me to stick with quitting. I'm open to advice.

Dinner is an apple and some discounted but delicious aged cheddar.