Sometimes when I try to punch holes in my wall it reminds me of him, not that I've ever really interacted with him as he died when I was 13. It sucks knowing the one person I could relate to is just straight up not alive like wtf man thats not fair.

I’m 26, got officially diagnosed at 14, but had symptoms younger. I feel like I see so many posts talking about how living with bipolar is such a tragedy, or that it’s this constant hopeless experience. Or if someone related to them got diagnosed how upset they would be. I’m not saying it’s not hard at times, it 100% is, but my life is not this horrific worst case scenario. If one of my kids got diagnosed I wouldn’t view it as a tragedy. To me living with bipolar is just like any other chronic illness. I do my best to manage it, I do sometimes still have flares, but I live a pretty normal life.

As the title states, I’m looking for your best and or most unhinged ways you remeber or get yourself to take your meds. I’m starting up my meds again and want to actually make sure I take them. Historically I always end up going back off them because I break routine and they become unimportant to me or I just think I’m cured even though I know I’m not.
Thank you in advance!

Alcohol affects me so badly I can't even have a full drink without getting depressed (either right away, or I crash really hard later). I had never really wanted to drink until recently, and for a while plenty of friends didn't either. Now that we're all seniors in college and entering our early 20s though... hardly a weekend or an event goes by without spending time surrounded by my drunk friends. I can't help feeling incredibly left out.

Over the summer, I thought I was going to be able to afford to get a car by the start of the school year. I felt a lot better thinking about myself as just being the perma-designated driver. I was excited, even. I'd get to participate in the culture of it in my own way without having to drink. Of course, that didn't end up happening, and it wont anytime soon. Instead of being the friend who gets everyone home safe... I'm just the friend thats too disabled to drink.

I know we'll grow out of house parties and going to clubs eventually anyway, but in the meantime, the whole thing is just an unwelcome reminder that I'm bipolar and will always be sick.

Edit: Please don't tell me to find new friends. My friends are amazing and we have plenty of hobbies and other things we do together that don't involve drinking. It's the only thing we do that I feel left out of at all, but it's still hard.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about six years ago but very recently rediagnosed with bipolar 1.

The reason my diagnosis changed is because I had two episodes presenting with paranoid delusions, hallucinations fluctuating in intensity and erratic and disorganized thoughts on top of my hypomanic/mixed symptoms.

The thing is, even though people around me clearly noticed something was off, I still managed to go to college and work. I didn't lose my job. I felt like I was on an entirely different plane of existence but still somehow managed at least my main responsibilities. My work and college performance did suffer a little, but not to a degree that got me into huge trouble.

It makes me kind of hesitant to actually call my episodes manic. Even the consequences to my private and social life (where most of my functional impairment goes) and recklessness have never done lasting damage bad enough to ruin my life beyond repair.

I know I should trust my psychiatrist, but I can't help but feel like I'm too mildly manic for a bipolar 1 diagnosis. I wish I didn't feel like this.

Context:

I have Bipolar 1.

My depression started last 2016/2018.

My mania started last 2024.

My first hallucinations started when I was 5-7yo.

Current situation:

My lows are getting lower and lower.

My suicidal side is stronger and stronger.

My hallucinations are extremely aggressive.

I had my first hospitalization recently on top of the ER visit due to extreme symptoms.

I have developed auditory hallucinations

I have been rapid cycling since 2024

My maintenance meds are not working enough

I hate meds but believe they are necessary and now I've realised that I might need a new maintenance med on top of the other one cause it was no longer working the way it did. Even my psychiatrist seems stumped with what to do to help me.

Based on how stuff is progressing, with my disorder getting worse and my body adapting to meds/needing new maintenance meds even if I was only on them for 2 years (a mood stabilizer) or even as less as 6months (an antipsychotic which stopped working), I'm kind of scared for the future.

And please don't call me anxious. I am not.

It's just natural to worry when you see a downward pattern that even your best efforts could not stop.

Does anyone also have this same worry?

Im crying right now cause life is so cruel and I am sooooooooo exhausted. I am only 26.

I'm kind of in a weird situation. I failed the bar by 0.1 point (I found out that if I'd gotten just that much more, they would've rounded up and I would've passed).

I took the exam without accommodations because I've heard the examiners are extremely strict about granting them, and I've only had accommodations since the latter half of law school, after I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder with psychotic features. I feel like if I apply now, they'll deny me because I don't have a long enough history of receiving accommodations, especially since I took all of my other exams like the SAT, LSAT, etc., without them.

But the reason I went so long without accommodations is that I was diagnosed late, even though I've had symptoms since at least age 15. I've also had three extended psychiatric hospitalizations and several suicide attempts.

During my most recent bar exam attempt, I was experiencing hallucinations, particularly hearing loud, distracting creaking noises. I also have insomnia that gets worse when I'm stressed (I'm additionally diagnosed with GAD and PTSD, which aggravate my symptoms). In the 8 or 9 days leading up to the bar, I was sleeping a max of three hours a night, and I didn't get any sleep before day two. I was prescribed emergency sleep medications during that time, but had a bad reaction to one of the meds that left me feeling really listless. I also felt extremely nauseous during the exam, threw up in the restroom, and ended up being unable to finish portions of the essays.

But given how close I came to passing, my limited history of accommodations, and the fact that I've generally performed well without them in the past, I feel like my request would just get denied. I don't really know how stringent the examiners are or whether it's worth going through the process when I already have a lot on my plate rn.

Separately though, I'm also thinking about walking away from law altogether. I'm not particularly interested in it, and I'm still not sure whether I've gotten my meds figured out. I'm scared of becoming symptomatic while working in a high-pressure, toxic environment (I'm going into BigLaw). I'm having doubts that working in that kind of environment is sustainable with my disorders, and I feel like I've just been ignoring that reality this whole time.

I've had concerning experiences in the past before I was diagnosed. For example, my boss forced me to go home after I'd spent three days straight working in the office because I was "scaring people." I eventually crashed and they requested a welfare check on me when I was unresponsive for several days.

I'm finally on medication for mania, but I wouldn't say I'm safely stable yet. These days, I mostly deal with SI, hypomania, occasional hallucinations, insomnia, anxiety/paranoia, and PTSD symptoms. But I also haven't been on medication long enough to know whether it'll prevent more serious manic/psychotic episodes, since I typically experience them about once a year and my last one started in late December.

So if anyone has thoughts or personal experience with the feasibility of working in an intense, sleep-depriving environment like BL while managing conditions like these, I'd really appreciate your thoughts. I don't know whether I should take this failure as a sign that I need to finally consider what's realistically sustainable for me given my condition.

I'm just feeling lost right now.

Hi, sorry first time posting.
I was committed involuntarily to a psych hospital in June for mania, was so convinced everyone else was wrong and if they just understood what I was saying…
I didn’t believe it was mania or I was bipolar, I think I was really euphoric and didn’t want it to end/in really bad denial and had poor insight. I stopped the meds they had started in the hospital a few days after discharge.
I’m very fortunate that my life isn’t really off track after the episode. I did eventually agree to meds and have been leveling out for a while/close to my baseline/functioning and getting by for several weeks -
But I think I’d never fully addressed/tackled that conviction (delusion), and today it hit me in the chest and I was flooded with clearer hindsight of how terrible I was when I was manic, and how horrible I made life for the people around me. I am so ashamed, I’m determined to stay alive but I’ve been in a really, really dark headspace that I know is impacting my relationships again now in the opposite way. I know/have to believe it’s not true but I feel like all of my friends and family and the world would be better off without me.

I'm not sure if I'm experiencing psychosis. I never have before. I pride myself on being able to identify my changing state and being the one to identify my bipolar disorder in the first place and every time I have gone manic since (well, most) before anyone else. It makes me feel more in control.

What scares me is that I won't have that sense of awareness and control with psychosis. Will I recognize it?

I'm not sure if I'm having dream hallucinations or psychosis. Maybe someone else has insight.

I've been increasingly depressed: low motivation, low energy, extreme fatigue with intense vivid dreams, low tolerance for anything, agitated whenever I can't watch YouTube videos to regulate or am forced to focus on an activity or videos that require too much emotional capacity.

My dreams are bleeding into waking life and I will be convinced things from my dreams really happened. Hours later, almost meowed at a kid I barely know because I dreamed he could turn into a cat. I kept feeling paranoid that I had a bunch of packages waiting for me at home and that I hadn't been home in 2 weeks and had been visiting my parents, or felt confused because I thought I was at their house currently and wasn't sure where I was walking.

I don't know if it was a dream or reality but I believed for a day I had telekinesis because I thought at my bathroom "turn the light on" and it turned on. I forgot about this until a dream triggered the memory.

I wake up hearing things and feeling a presence, things like something getting into my bed and intense fear alongside whispering, this morning it was I had a dream that an entity turned on my bathroom light and I asked it to sing to me and a beeping song played in my head and that woke me up, then I heard the beeping again, then I tried to turn on my bathroom light with my thoughts to test if it was me or this entity (a ghost or some kind of supernatural AI). Same kind of fear.

I'm not sure if this could be psychosis or just dreams bleeding into reality.

I don't feel like anyone is out to get me or that I am a god or anything like that. I just can't tell what is real or a dream and get confused and frightened. I am afraid if I became truly psychotic I wouldn't recognize it.

It doesn't help that my microwave is turning itself on repeatedly. I've realized this isn't a ghost but is a faulty microwave but I am scared it will set my place on fire. I think the beep from it doing this at 2 am may have fed into my dream.

Anyway, does this sound like psychosis early symptoms? Does anyone else have this fear of lack of control and awareness?

Hey,

I found out early this year that I have bipolar disorder and been against the diagnosis for awhile... denial is strong. But ive been accepting it since Ive been medicated for about 2 years with the mood disorder. Ive recently decided to get off the meds because I had no energy anymore and I knew I was depressed without feeling it due to the meds.

For those who's been off the meds ... how did your body initially take to it. Im having a lot of mix emotions lately .. sad, energetic, depress and somewhat happy

It kind of feels out of body experience because im so confused where all the emotions are stem from

Considering going to my first support group meeting tomorrow at a local library but have chilly feet being so unprepared. There wasn’t much info on the website. Any insight from those who have gone before?

I’m newly diagnosed with bipolar 1 and just got out of the hospital after being put on an involuntary hold for weeks. I’m still adjusting to the diagnosis and finally got stable on the medication. But I’m terrified for my future. Is there a good chance I will ever be able to work full time ?

My absolute favorite thing about bipolar depression is its timing. I have a really fun night planned, probably one of my favorites of the year. Friend Halloween party and I LOVE a costume. But instead, I wake sobbing at 6 AM from a dream then spend an hour crying in the shower, wishing I hadn't survived the night. And now that's the tone for the day. How does everyone else deal with this?

Hi! I believe I am having a mixed episode - 90% of antipsychotics have not helped or caused bad reactions and the others insurance won’t cover. I just read that some drs prescribe antipsychotics to take PRN to knock you down when you feel things escalating towards full mania. Has anyone had success with this? Have meds that failed as a full time medication helped as an emergency brake so to speak? I have a psych appointment coming up this week and am trying to put together a list of things to bring up. Thank you for any insight :)

im so sorry if we arent supposed to vent here i can take it down if needed, but my symptoms started recently after never having them beforehand & i just got diagnosed, which i shouldve seen coming since my mom has it but this is ruining my life i have never been this emotionally unstable

for like three weeks i was staying up all night, only sleeping for around 2-3 hours feeling fine, randomly drawing so much, and now im so depressed that i dont even mnow what to do. everyday i just cry to myself and start self harming and i dont even know what to do anymore. i feel like im doing everything right for my mental health in general, i dont isolate myself, i go to therapy, i have meds, why am i so sick? it just feels like it will never get better im so tired. i was even this miserable with the mania because i felt so awful physically getting like no sleep. not tired but definitely more irritable and 100% more neurotic

im so scared for myself because i’ve never had these symptoms growing up. i dont know. im sorry i feel so lost i cant stop crying. and i dont wanna worry anyone in my life around me

im trying to not let my disorders takeover. im trying to stay in control. the point is im trying. people are frustrated with me especially my family so they tend to constantly invalidate my experience by saying “you’re the only one who can help yourself. no matter how much therapy or medicines you take it won’t work if you’re like that” because to them it looks like im not trying to help myself. its so frustrating that it doesn’t look like im trying at least not enough when im using all my energy to “try”.

to anyone reading, how did your family learn to understand you and your condition? and when will trying my best be enough? also, is there a way to make my existence and presence at the very least tolerable and non triggering if not pleasant?

Do I have to tell my therapist if I put my hand under a hot sink on purpose even though there’s no scars a bit of pain and no real damage? I mean I usually cut myself but I didn’t and there’s no real damage so it’s not really self harm, it’s like someone getting a tattoo yk? I was just a bit bored and it makes feel alive, the pain.

Plus we agreed that if I went to support groups on this stuff I could stop seeing her every week and change to every other week. Can’t lie that sounds great. Don’t wanna fuck it up for something so meaningless. Idk about you guys but therapy feels like a hassle so this would be nice.

Anyway not sh, not emotional so not worth sharing. It’s only 1:40am, not nearly too late for a college student. Idk, I don’t think it’s really worth mentioning. But I’m welcome to your guy’s opinion. Don’t know a lot about this stuff so wth, why not ask Reddit? Sry if it’s the wrong flair, there’s not flair for questions.

I'm fucking lost. I just don't know what to do anymore. It seems that my whole life is slipping through my fingers and is falling apart.

I've been at this office job for about a year and a half now and I hate it. My residence in another country depends on it. I'm the only one in my family who earns money. My wife does a lot, but nothing she does earns any money. In theory I'm fine with it, in practice I hate that she's dependent on me.

In therapy I constantly get shown how I sabotage myself and her from success, because there is something fucking wrong with the way I am I guess. It comes to a point where I think they might be better off without me but I am attached to life, which is at least something. But I suffer.

I start a thing, and then I quit midway. Or I quit after achieving something, and then I'm just exhausted. Piano, tango, acting, directing, filmmaking, editing, writing, languages, cycling, running, yoga... ah, for fuck's sake. The only thing I've succeeded in is quitting drugs and alcohol.

When I'm manic, everyone's fine with me: I'm outgoing, ready to take on things. But then I fall into depression and people just don't know what to do with me anymore, and they get tired fast. The problem is I don't know what to do with myself either.

So the cycle never ends. I'll get out of this mud, start doing something "good" again, then burn out again. And it'll all repeat.

Deep down is this fucking feeling of being really depressed, not understood by anyone, completely alone. It's so fucking lonely here.

There is a small beam of hope that a comment here can make me feel seen, but this beam is really small.

TL;DR I'm lost, I'm exhausted, and I'm just tired of the way I am. Gonna go sleep now.

This week marks the 20th anniversary of my first episode. I was 18, had a full ride to a great school, and a post-college job offer already. 3 months into my first semester, my life imploded. I was quickly diagnosed, and have been in continuous treatment through til today. Nothing works. I have done the trial and failure cycle SO many times now. Now the last 5 years have seen continued escalation of frequency and severity of episodes. I see so many comments about “you’ll find the right combination, it just takes a while”, but over half my life has gone by without that happening.

Basically, I’m bitter and in grief about what could have been, and terrified about the future with a degenerative disease. My illness profile has a highly negative outlook…what can I do? Does anyone else live with this situation?

Thanks for listening to my Ted Talk, appreciate y’all!

I want to start this by saying I have zero idea if I'm in an episode or not. All I know is that for the past month, I have been dealing with EXTREME irritability. I'm snapping at my coworkers. I'm yelling at my stupid significant other and my parents and my nrother. I feel like I am just waiting for a stranger to be rude to me or my kid so that I can really tear them a new one. The only person I haven't lost my head with is my son. It is unbelievably exhausting. Today someone nearly ran me off the highway and I had to pull over to scream and cry and beat the shit out of my dash. I feel like I'm on a hair trigger. One look from someone and it's like my skin is on fire.

I don't want my son to see me like this. I don't want to be an angry mom. I know it makes everyone around me uncomfortable, and I hate it. I take my deep breaths and count backwards and whatever, but all I want to do is LET IT OUT.

What do I do???? I'm med compliant. I go to therapy and talk about my anger and get the same answer every time to journal about my feelings and go on walks (which I DO.) I'm just DONE.

Two months ago, I suddenly found myself without medication or psychological support. I only have thoughts of self-harm, but I know I shouldn't do it so as not to upset the people around me, so I express myself artistically. I don't have many materials because I don't have money to buy them, so I made it with regular paper, a pen, and two school markers.

Blurred for obvious reasons. Y’all don’t need to see my wild psychotic ramblings.

I had some mania after the loss of my dad, complicated family dynamics and my partner leaving and moving out all within a few days of each other.

I had an intense urge to just write on the wall when the racing thoughts were at their worst. A piece of paper felt too small. A friend gave me some bath crayons. I went wild. It was satisfying and now I don’t have to pay for damages with my landlord.

Highly recommend bath crayons to those who experience racing thoughts/psychosis and like to write on walls!

I am participating in Sober October, originally starting with just alcohol and nicotine since I'm currently pretty severe depressive episode. There's been some cravings, but generally some gum and a NA beer has done wonders. I don't really feel like I'm missing anything.

With this, about two weeks ago, my wife suggested that we take a break from marijuana as well. We have struggled with regulating our use, and she feels more at conflict about this than I do. I have had prior addiction issues with cocaine, but happily 9 years sober. I feel like I have had a generally good relationship with marijuana (a much better one than with alcohol).

I admit that I needed to take a step back from my use, and I have enjoyed the mental clarity and the desire to get up and moving. But the negative effects have been debilitating. Ever since going sober from marijuana, I have had severe mood swings/emotional dysregulation, low motivation, no libido, and horrible anxiety. I just cannot relax - I feel motivated and happy in the morning, but when it's time to wind down, I get this extreme fight-or-flight response.

Up until the break, I was a frequent user (multiple times a day), and I found it removed my anxiety, slowed my mind down, and just generally allowed me to enjoy things, whether it be hanging out with my wife, doing dishes, or things that I typically find interesting - which has always been up and down.

Part of me wants to just have a bowl, but I feel a huge amount of shame and anxiety in quitting. I am really struggling to determine how much of this is just withdrawals and how much of it was that there were legitimate medical benefits for me.

For reference, I am medicated for each of my diagnoses, and I feel that those generally work well and keep my from going off the deep-end during a manic/depressive episode.

Thanks for any advice and help!