Hello, I have somewhat recently left a relationship with my now ex who has BPD. After the relationship has ended it took a bit but I believe I am starting to heal finally. I keep wondering on what I did was wrong on my part and while talking to friends and family helps it kinda defeats that area because they see her as someone who caused me to react the way I have. So thank you in advanced for reading this through.

I had left a relationship of 3 years before getting close to her for a period of a few months. During those months I worked through the pain and waited until I felt like I could date again and I was falling for her since she was around and she kept helping me. Although she was long distance (I am in Indiana and she in Canada) I truly felt like we could make it work and my best friend who introduced us supported it. I asked her out and she originally said no, while saddened I stayed friends because she was amazing and a good friend to have. After I stayed she started to fall for me and asked me out after a month I asked her originally.

I wanna say the first year was absolutely perfect I never felt love or felt loved like I did with her and even though we didn't know she had BPD until around a year of being together she had minor periods of being upset which I helped her through easily which made me feel like I was a good partner. Throughout this time she was helping me with my custody case against the partner before her pointing out manipulation and remembering details I could use to help my case. After her diagnosis I felt like there was a big shift in our relationship. Me being myself triggered her and started arguments frequently and while I wanted to be there and help her after so long I started to suppress myself more and more to accomodate her since I figured she was having a bad time from being diagnosed. I also want to say that she started therapy and was getting help from then on as well.

After so many arguments she has blocked me and berated me and has screamed at me how I triggered another argument it was my fault she was freaking out and I needed to fix it. I believe this was turning me into a dismissive avoidant after a bit because Although I was comfortable and felt safe at first to express myself and my thoughts she has betrayed that trust time and time again. I will admit I started to get cruel towards her more and more as the relationship went on. She has visited me here 3 times and the first time was absolutely perfect and filled with nothing but good memories, but the later two were filled with arguments and I was getting more and more uncomfortable with her being around me then.

After a bit she started to say I was getting bitter because she was getting better while I was getting worse and I also show more BPD traits than she did after a while. I started needing space and while originally that was not something she wanted me to do she comprised that I needed to communicate it clearly but it never felt like i ever could do so. Even when I got space she'd send a message to explain herself let me know how she felt about us and that she will be there when I can come back which often brought me back faster. I owed her a lot of money and she was scared of me paying it back because she felt that once I did id break up with her this year.

Unfortunately while it wasn't the plan it did end up happening a little bit. I was supposed to visit her up in Canada early this year but after so long and yet another argument happened I told her I was done and blocked her for a week. I ended up not being able to go anyways but she was upset I used my time from being depressed by having to break it off. After a week of having her blocked my friend who introduced us (even he was wanting to stay away from her because she needed him to suppress as well) told me she did some thinking and wanted to apologize. Hesitantly I unblocked and listened to her and while I forgave I couldn't forget what she did and asked to try and be friends till I could think of trying again.

After 2 weeks we tried a secret trial where she didn't tell anyone in her family out of fear and I told all of mine. During the 3 years her father started to hate me because she went to the ER from me blocking her, her sister called me abusive, and her friend didn't approve of me at all anymore. She eventually told her dad we were talking but nothing more. This lasted for a few months before idk how many arguments happened I couldn't take it anymore and did the same thing of saying we are done and blocking her on August. This also didn't last long and I unblocked her to be friends, of course after a good day she felt like the old her again and I could connect. She asked what I felt and I said we can try talking again but she said I would have to text first and I needed to start therapy and antidepressants.

I started antidepressants which after a bit helped (she immediately stopped that by saying it was a placebo since it was so fast) then it was very bad for me emotionally as with her I barely felt and barely remembered anything now I was feeling extremely. So I was feeling insecure and talked to her about it with her basically saying that she forgave and forgot what I have done to her and I need to do the work to change. Then she betrayed my trust once again. For the first time in e years she hid someone's gender by saying they showed her something. I called it out by saying he and she immediately got defensive about it saying she knew how my mind worked.

I tried to not suspect her but after she posted him and everyone said I was replaced I blocked her for a day until I felt bad and apologized. She said that she needed time away and didn't wanna hear from me for 2 weeks. In a panic I wanted to do what she always did and explain myself asking her to not respond until the 2 weeks are up and she immediately said that calling him my replacement was berating him, being that honest was mocking after asking for it for so long, and that im a hypocrite for getting obsessive after she maybe found better after telling her to do so many times in arguments. She blocked me saying she will unblock me after 2 weeks but will not chase a friendship. I was destroyed but after a week I felt like I wasn't a shell anymore.

For the first time in 2 years I felt like myself again and I felt in love with her again. I waited the 2 weeks going from accepting we are done to hoping I can fix things. The 2 weeks came i was still blocked and I did something stupid of making an alt account on TikTok and seen she started a relationship with the new guy and she posts many things targeted at me saying how bad I was and she shouldn't have been understanding.

I no longer feel like an avoidant and I still severely miss her although I know I will never trust her again. I keep seeing things saying how she only loved the idea of me rather than me but i get confused on why she did so much for me. I don't expect her to come back she replace me and even the friend that introduced us with a new friend group she made there which had her meet the new guy.

People in my life say she was completely bad she was never the person in the beginning and that nothing was my fault but I still feel so guilty and at fault for a lot. I hate the idea that she is what people say and hoped she was better than that. I realize now i couldn't improve with her she was just an emotional siphon that I willingly threw myself into, but I still have a big part of me that wished it could have worked out.

Thank you again.

Been married over a decade, have kids together, and have spent years dealing with repeated cheating, lying, manipulation, and physical abuse. I kept giving chances because I loved her and wanted our family to work. There would be enough affection and promises to give me hope, but never sustained change. She’s undiagnosed but based off of everything I’ve read here over the last few years I’m fairly certain it’s BPD.

Recently, the abuse escalated, and she left to stay with her affair partner several states away. I’m home taking care of our kids and trying to manage the financial and emotional aftermath. Meanwhile, she still reaches out for support and talks about reconciliation while continuing to stay with that person.

I’m fucking exhausted. I spent months asking for honesty and commitment, and I regret how much I tolerated trying to save this marriage. I don’t want to compete for my own wife anymore or keep being her emotional support while she continues hurting me.

The hardest part is that I still love her, even though I don’t feel safe around her and want a divorce. Some days I’m relieved the house is calmer. Other days I’m angry, miss her, or catch myself wondering whether she’ll finally understand what she’s done. I hate how much mental space this still takes up.

Right now, I want peace for myself and my kids. I know I can’t keep living like this.

For those who finally got out after years of this, what helped you stop feeling responsible for them and actually start letting go?

TW: sexual/emotional/physical abuse.

It happened almost 5 years ago, I’m 22 years old now but I still think about it a lot.

In short, my (f/17) boyfriend (m/16) let his cousin (m/14) watch us during sex without my consent when I drank alcohol for the first time.

I’m sure he tried to have a threesome with me and his cousin, he demanded it days before the incident.
He didn’t even recommend or ask for it, he demanded that “other guys would fuck me together with him” and that his cousin would be the first one.

I had said no to it multiple times.

I left him about 1,5 months later, I felt trapped in the relationship because of his suicide threats.
(I tried to leave him before, that’s when he called all of my friends and told them he was going to kill himself because of me).

At first I didn’t tell anyone about this out of shame but also because it took me some time to realize what had happened.

When I started telling people about this incident, most of them believed me but there was this girl my friends hung out with who defended my ex with tooth and nail.

She’s the kind of person who introduces herself to literal minors with “hi, I’m suicidal”.

She claimed that I had made it all up and was also the reason why it took me over a year to finally get rid of my ex.

She also justified all of my exs actions because of his “bpd”.

My friends knew what he had done to me and kept hanging out with that girl, enabling her and my ex to have further access to me even though I had blocked them both.
They defended her actions because of her bpd and told me to be considerate of people who struggled mentally.

Said girl stalked, threatened and spread rumors about me until I cut all of our mutual friends off.
She was also hitting on my ex way before I left him.
She did this to a bunch of other women, she would always hit on everyone else’s boyfriends and defend them no matter how horribly they treated their girlfriends.

She claimed that I had sexually harassed her by “grabbing her thighs intimately” and by “trying to rip her thigh highs off of her”.
None of this happened and she told different people different stories.

One time she even claimed that I had raped her, only to lie about it and say she never said that the next day.

Another time she told someone that I kept touching her intimately and didn’t stop when she told me to so she slapped me. The guy she told this version to told me that she didn’t even bat an eye and smiled when she told him that.

She also spread rumors about me being a drug addict and that I abused my ex more than he abused me.

About 9-10 months after our break up, when I was at the mall with my friends, she stalked and followed me in public and sent her friends to confront me for “spreading lies” about my ex.
My friend who was with me confronted her and respectfully told her to leave us alone.

She escalated the situation further and screamed at my friend to stop “threatening” her. The next day she claimed she felt threatened and attacked by my friend and that she didn’t send her friend over to confront me.

She also got a lot of my old friends and some of hers to hate me. People who I had never seen before recognized me in public and quietly said my name as I walked past them. She must’ve shown pictures of me to her friends.

I’m not the only person she did this to, pretty much everyone in my city hates her, especially other women.

Her harassment only ended when I left my whole friend group, I spent the next year or so in social isolation and struggled with making new friends because a lot of people still believed her, no matter how many times I told them she was lying. (These people did eventually cut that girl off for their own reasons, I’m not sure what happened but I know that her biggest defender felt shame because of her at some point).

A lot of other people also told me my story was fake, it was hard to convince them given how absurd the situation was.

And that’s one of my main problems, the absurdity of it all.

What happened was so weird, so absurd and surreal that people just didn’t believe me.

I felt like one of those girls who falsely accused others of sexual abuse and that it would be disrespectful to everyone else who actually went through some shit to claim that I was also a victim.

I was so scared and I just wanted to disappear in that moment, I couldn’t even get rid of my ex and his friends even after blocking them on several platforms.

Him and the girl even threatened to sue me for defamation and sexual abuse, turns out my ex believed and defended that girl as much as she defended him.

None of them actually sued me, nothing happened after their threats.

But I was still socially isolated, I still wonder if I have done the right thing by leaving my friends and if the incident was really that bad.

One moment I feel like it was no big deal and another moment I want to kill my ex for what he did.

Fue una relacion de mas dos años , yo la conoci estando privado de mi libertad , ( en ese momento yo 23 y ella 19 ) a los dos meses de empezar a hablar me dieron salidas transitorias con lo cual empezamos a vernos una vez por mes , la primera en el dia de mi cumpleaños.
Pasaron muchas cosas , vivimos momentos increibles pero desde el principio vi las red flags pero por la falta de amor que yo tambien tenia y por lo fascinante que me parecia ella elegi quedarme.
La cuestion es que ella dejo el tratamiento poco tiempo despues de que empezaramos a hablar y apesar de mi insistencia nunca lo retomo con seriedad (alguna sesion con el psicologo y nada mas) con el tiempo tuvimos peleas y discusiones sin sentido y muchisimos problemas pero cuando todo estaba bien parecia que la relacion fuera perfecta.
El problema es que yo empeze a trabajar y nunca le alcanzaba la atencion que le daba , hasta el punto de alejarme de todos mis amigos y que mi vida se reduzca al trabajo y la relacion.
No voy a entrar en los detalles de cada cosa que paso porque esto se haria interminable pero basicamente ella empezo a consumir alcohol cotidianamente , con el sueño cambiado , no me dejaba dormir bien y un dia llego borracha a casa a las 5 de la mañana y cuando se durmio fui al comedor y encontre un atado de cigarros y un envoltorio de chocolate siendo que ella no tenia plata , decidi revisar su telefono y encontre que le habia estado enviando fotos a un compañero de la uni ( no pude ver las fotos ) a lo que el halagaba su cuerpo y ella respondio "solo eso me vas a decir mi amorcito" , a lo cual el empezo a decir que le encantaban sus tetas y sus fotos. El horario de la conversacion era de la noche anterior cuando ella habia ido a darse un baño mientras yo estaba cocinando para que comamos juntos y habiamos tenido una discucion super estupida que no escalo a mayores.
Cuestion que la desperte , le dije que terminamos le mostre el celular y le dije que agarre sus cosas y que se vaya , a lo cual ella primero dijo que era todo mentira y todo empezo a escalar hasta que ella agarro un cuchillo se quiso cortqr la pierna e intento apuñalarse , forcejeamos grite y aparecio mi madre que vive en la casa de atras y de repente se calmo
Estubo 2 horas dando vueltas y poniendo excusas para no irse pidiendo perdon rogando y cuando porfin se fue a la hora volvio a llamarme y tocarme timbre , esto fue hace dias , yo le deje en claro que no iba a darle otra oportunidad y desde entonces no para de manipularme psicopatearme y acosarme apareciendo en mi casa tocando lq puerta o mandando mensajes llamandome hablandome de otros numeros etecera.
La verdad es que me siento desbordado porque todo el amor que le tengo es real pero no puedo seguir asi con mi vida y nose como sobrellevar esto , siento culpa y me duele que las cosas se dieran de esta manera y siento que necesito ayuda.

I'm genuinely curious about how being in a relationship with someone with BPD has affected you, both during the relationship and long after.

How did it change you as a person? How did it affect your mental health, your self-esteem, your sense of self, or even the way you view love and relationships?

Did you develop anxiety, trust issues, emotional dysregulation, hypervigilance, or other struggles you never experienced before?

And for those who have left the relationship, did you eventually feel like your old self again, or do you still carry some of those effects with you?

Since I cut off contact from her she has done everything possible to get me to react, they even managed to make their friends participate in those manipulation tactics. Triangulation, smearing, baiting, jealousy. Also the fact that they try all of these in such a short span of time it's almost unreal how childish they can be.

In my case my exwBPD is 32 which makes this behaviour even more insane. For anyone in a similar situation I would advice to not try to understand them anymore, see them for what they are and move on, you can't help them. She's going through therapy but I don't believe it achieves anything in her case

I don't understand how's this even possible after one year together I bought her a gift for her Birthday Its supposed to arrive tomorrow and we were in a videocall I went to help my mum for a sec and when I came back she had end the call and text me this.Idk what I'm supposed to do this is just crazy the way she behaves but I'm trapped idk how to let her go I need ur help I don't have anyone to talk to about this what should I do?

My child (20yo) has been diagnosed with BPD and states that my wife and I are the reason.

She grew up in a loving home with two siblings but swears it is because we relocated the family so much.

Note: The siblings are well adjusted and thriving.

Is this a legitimate reason?

I (f19) have moved to university this fall semester after living with my grandma (f52 bpd) for years. I knew about this way beforehand, but she was planning to come down on the 23rd (for other reasons) but planned to visit me while she was near. I was totally down! Things went south and now I will be avoiding seeing her. Here is the context:

She calls me every Sunday for a fun chat and to catch up with my week. One week I visited my boyfriend and she got upset I did not tell her over the phone. I apologized and said it was only because I wanted my visit to her (I stopped by her house when I was down visiting my boyfriend) to be a surprise. She WASNT impressed by my surprise, accused me of trying to be sneaky and lie on my whereabouts, and told me she needed to know my location for 'safety reasons'. I complied. (Side note: If I was trying to be sneaky I would not have willingly driven and came to your front doorstep. I would have just not visited. You also do not care where I have been at otherwise i.e. clubbing in another city, and only care now that it is my first ever boyfriend that you notoriously hate. But I digress). The next time I visited my boyfriend, she called Sunday as usual. I mentioned I was at his house, and also that he was going to a concert with me (I bought us tickets for my favorite Kpop group). She was VERY upset, her tone immediately switched, and she ended up hanging up. I do not believe she mentioned the 'issue' at all, and instead we stopped texting and she stopped calling. I assume she wanted me to text her beforehand where I was going instead of on call after I had been there a couple days, but I cannot be sure since she went ghost on me and never talked about the reasoning behind her anger and coldness 🙃.

Back to my main issue: I am almost certainly pregnant. I am at my boyfriend's house already and it is Wednesday the 21st. I want to stay at my boyfriend's house until this Sunday (since I have class Monday) in order to take a pregnancy test with him and discuss the situation as a couple. The thing is, my grandma would certainly blow up worse than she ever has at the fact that I am at my boyfriend's house instead of seeing her. I do not want to tell her about the pregnancy scare, but worry on how I will even begin to respond to a message from her. "hey, sorry i don't want to see you, im having an emergency 5 hours from my university at my boyfriend you hates house and i can't tell you what it is." I may update with what happens after she finds out I'm betraying her, but any advice on what I should do or prepare for going into this?

Defending people with bpd for all the wrong reasons is enabling and is like defending a psychopath.

I agree that they should be treated like any other human as they wear human skin , including for their actions especially harmful actions. . .

They can be the most deceiving people you will ever meet .

They may have gone through some horrible traumatic events but they reuse those experiences on people that are close to them . At times I can tell that they dont mean it but they repeat cycles of abuse .

Ive met people with bpd who are very upset with what they do . They themselves hate themselves.

How else are we supposed to validate our own hurt without calling them out and potentially stopping their crazy abusive cycles on others.

Like the title, what was the final straw that led you to part your ways from your pwBPD?

Quick question, because I’m pretty sure this is the second person I’ve met who has BPD (I know he does. the person from the past just acts a LOTTT like him so I feel like they very well could also be BPD)

but like, is there such a thing as quiet bpd?

cause I hear a lot of people talking about yelling and screaming and crash outs but like…

a lot of my unfortunate experiences are people who just kinda make me feel like I have to constantly hang out with them, and it feels really parasocial, and like I have to constantly be there 24/7.

my friend of the past made me feel like this a lot, and when we’d have serious conversations, it never led anywhere and they never actually changed. I’d convey my boundaries, they’d tell me they appreciate that I told them that, and then two days later they’d be back to doing it.

and when we had the big serious ultimatem conversation, they kept making me feel like I was crazy, but not in a scream way, but of a “I care for you so so much! But you’re seeing things wrong. That’s not what was happening at all! You’re reading too much into it 💜” and I just like… eugh idk.

I don’t feel like any of the people I’ve met ‘blew up’ on me, but its always these really quiet seeds of doubt I guess?

looking for experiences that people may have had, but like, any experiences really. Doesn’t have to be validating, or it can, just wanna know what other people have experienced and if it was or wasn’t anything like this.

also might delete this post after I feel like the question was answered cause I mean no harm to the people I talk about here but I’m very glad one of them is a long lost ex friend and I’m very uncertain about the current one cause of that.

we ended a year ago ,massive discard and quite jarring to say the least

from her being obsessed to shutting down overnight when I had to relocate an hour away due to business ,then again looking back would never have worked out as she had massive trust and abandonment issues

not to mention drink /substance abuse -not massively at all but it was there

was together 4 years

called her out in her shitty behaviour at the end and had a massive row about a year ago - never spoke since

reading this forum she absolutely had BPD ,lol I remeber googling it when I was with her as could see traits 🤣

do they ever return to apologise or anything like that

be intrested in their behaviours

thank you

Hi. This is my first post on Reddit; I’m writing here because I don’t have much hope for other resources.

My girlfriend (ex) is 19. We’ve known each other for almost a year, and during that time, her diagnosis of BPD has moved to a bar. There were many different situations, “runaways,” big words, and attempts to be together. In the end, she told me she no longer sees a future with me and doesn’t want any interaction. She says it will be painful for both of us. That it would be better for us this way and that she’s been neglecting herself in her relationship with me. I’m sorry it ended like this, but, knowing her pattern, I hope we’ll discuss what happened again.
On the other hand, maybe it really is for the best. I love her, even if she’s not with me, but she will definitely be happy. “I’m tired of the arguments, we don’t hear each other and we don’t understand each other. We really are too different.”
I think I wasn’t attentive enough to the illness she hates. She hates any mention of it, the pills, or questions about a psychiatrist. I took every episode of hers personally. Every bad day. We’re both very anxious — I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD. I don’t know what will happen next, but I’ll be glad to hear your advice about books, movies, and just opinions.

does anyone know more about the mechanism of their mirroring? for example, do they consciously or unconsciously do it, and what happens while they are doing it? is it an extreme effort for them or is it easy?

i mean if i attempted to do such a thing, pretend to like the likes of someone else when i just didn't it would be profoundly uncomfortable and exhausting. how does this work for them - is it like method acting or something? where you try to live in the skin of the character. since method actors exist and seem able to do this, it can't be that difficult for bpds to do it, i imagine. but there seems to be a period of max about 6 months among most of the stories here and in the literature that they cannot keep it up for very long. can they do it indefinitely if the fp does not actually let them enmesh?

in your experience with a bpd partner, did you find after a while that they actually did NOT like the things that you did that they said they also liked, and what was your reaction to that? how did they go about showing that to be the case, or how did you discover it? did the bpd partner turn out to have their own hobbies and things they liked to do on their own or was it always revolving around somebody else?

Why I keep overthinking about the past with my ex PwBPD,
and It always makes me wonder if she is actually has NPD aswell.

during conflict everything fits to BPD, few things questionable and might fit both.
but what comes after feels like NPD,
long silent treatment, hatred, accusation, no accountability,
I don't think she ever chased me after break up because I never allowed it to get there.
Yet I been chasing her for so long and she completely ignored my effort.
and i'm not talking about few hours or day, it can be weeks and months.

Even when speaking from my heart nothing reaching her.
It feels like she simply enjoying my effort and my pain.

It’s not about them or missing them as I do not at all, it’s more about me feeling sorry and guilt for myself for staying all these years and accept the treatment I got from them and always putting up excuses to their disorder

​I never thought I would be writing this, but I am sitting alone in my house at 4:30 in the morning feeling completely broken, and I just need a safe space to get this out.

​My wife and I have been together for 5 years, and it has been an exhausting cycle of volatility, walking on eggshells, broken agreements, and shifting goalposts. Tonight completely shattered what was left of our marriage.

​She had been staying at her apartment, but came back home today after dinner with her cousins. She was drunk and immediately started acting erratic—demanding to go back to her apartment, picking random fights, and claiming she didn't want to be with me over and over. Later, I caught her on the phone; she claimed it was her cousin, but I distinctly heard a man's voice. When I confronted her, she blew up, refused to tell me the truth, and started screaming, so I walked away.

​A little while later, she called me and confessed that she did sex work.

​I was in absolute shock. I told her calmly that I couldn't process it right now, went to a separate room, and started crying. That is when the texts started rolling in. While I was sitting alone crying over the destruction of our life, she texted me calling me homophobic slurs, telling me "You're cryin' about yourself," and telling me to "Cry quieter" because my pain was "embarrassing."

​When I went back to tell her to leave and go back to her apartment, she started raging all over again. Things escalated to the point where there was property destruction in the bedroom. I was begging her to leave, called my family, and eventually had to call her cousin and sister to come pick her up and take her away from the house.

​Now she is gone, the house is quiet, and I am just staring at the wreckage of the last five years. She spent the whole night framing her choices as "mistakes" and turning my tears and pain into a weapon against me, accusing me of making it about myself.

​I feel entirely hollowed out, isolated, and broken. I loved her so much she was working on it she was doing therapy I feel so broken. How do I start all over. How do i do this what do I do where do I go who do I talk to

TLDR: I feel like I give my partner a lot of grace when his BPD causes emotional outbursts, but I don't receive the same grace when my own mental health struggles and stress affect my behavior. This creates an unequal dynamic where I suppress my feelings to avoid conflict, and my legitimate concerns get sidelined when I make a mistake. I love him and want a future together, but I need mutual understanding, accountability, and the freedom to express myself without constantly fearing that one wrong word will threaten our relationship.

Hi all, I (M27) need some advice regarding a tough relationship discussion with my BPD partner (M28).

Background Me I have ADHD (non-hyperactive), minor depression, extreme anxiety during conflict, as well as trouble making and enforcing boundaries. I have been in therapy for a few years, since we've started dating. I understand myself deeply now.

My partner My partner is diagnosed BPD and has had extensive therapy for over a decade. He was pretty unstable and provoked by his family a lot but therapy has helped him controls the negative aspects of his BPD well enough.

Early relationship Initially, I had a real hard time understanding and adjusting to what he needed during times of intense emotion, usually conflict. We would argue every other day at some points, for hours until complete emotional exhaustion. In arguments I'd defend myself when I felt inequality which would lead to extreme invalidation and him splitting (where he would say some awful things/do something, that I know he didnt mean). To resolve conflict, I would compromise my position and just agree to end it, which has led to long term resentment. When he splits, I understand the pathway, and empathize so Im able to legit just take what he says with a grain of salt. I feel like I give a lot of leniency, in this regard. To hear something awful said to me, but to rationalize internally and tell myself, he doesnt mean this and he will apologize when he stops splitting- which he does.

Mid relationship to now I've been therapised and went from knowing near nothing about myself or what BPD is, to knowing a lot about both. Now when we fight, I try to listen and validate his emotion, while either admitting to wrongdoing (if its there) or providing support without sacrificing my personal truth. I still struggle with that last bit. Its easy for me to want to push aside my feelings to resolve the conflict but it only grows my resentment and I know I have to resist the urge.

The issue One thing that bothers me in a major way and has me concerned for our future is what happens when I lose control in an argument. I work a lot, I see a lot of death, and I have a lot going on, so I am always on edge. When the factors line up (I dont check my thoughts, stop myself from saying something, take space and am in prolonged stress where I feel attacked), I spiral and have said stuff throughout our relationship that I regret.

The common result is that he feels extremely hurt from what Ive said, and could lead to an anxiety attack or a splitting. I then have to spend a long time repairing my relationship, which puts what might have been a legitimate issue I had, on the back burner. Again, the satiation.

Where im frustrated and worried is that, I feel like I give him a lot of leniency/grace because of his condition and am able to compartmentalize to move on quickly but the same grace isn't given to me when I fuck up and lose control.

His response to me stating I feel like I dont get a lot of grace, is that its different because the splitting is apart of his condition. I don't have BPD, but I have a lot of mental factors that can lead me to lose control similar to what happens when he splits.

I mentioned this to my therapist and she noticed a major inequality in our relationship. Me compromising or being put in the position to prove myself over something minor which isnt the same standard Id hold him to. This is prevalent now because I love him dearly and want to work towards marriage.

Sometimes the stuff that he will split over is a phrase that is minor, or attitudey from me but isnt anything abhorrent such as, "you are manipulative". It'll be along the lines of, "I think you are changing what you said to fit your narrative". Like, an observation over an insult, but that has deep deep ties to his insecurity over being perceived manipulative.

Conclusion I dont want to live the rest of my life, too scared to say the wrong minor thing, or to lose control and have to fight for my relationship over words that he took deep offense to. I want us to both feel safe. And I absolutely need grace.

I started enforcing boundaries a year ago, so Im new to it. What are your opinions? Any input is appreciated.

What are the chances that they act like that intentionally and fully consciously just to do whatever they want in life without facing any blame/ accountability ?

Like " I want to do so and so and so ... No one shall stop me from doing what I damn please" " how do I do so without being accountable for it ?"

married 3 months after we ended. called me 3 times drunk tonight to tell me and kept complaining about her, crying, telling me he loves me and asking if I'm his friend. told me he's so happy I'm dating someone and happy and how proud he is of me and to go give my man a big hug. wtf???? Don't ask me why I answered. I'm dumb. Curiosity killed the cat.

Im 24M and after 4 years of on and off relationship with my ex she is finally moving on and I feel devastated and weird. We were in a insanely toxic cycle with constant highs and lows, and I can’t believe the amount of my best, most positive, motivation and every positive adjective out there to describe energy that I have spent on her trying to “make her better” and every time I would only leave the relationship cause she would get so emotionally and verbally abusive , and again the whole apologising and reeling me back and me going for it every single time! I hate myself for this , I hate that I invested so much and my best energy I hate that I went back everytime . I just learnt she has hooked up with a couple of guys from the last time I left and now is seeing someone else. Every time I had to leave because the abuse would so bad with so many suicidal threats. I haven’t recovered still and it has been 6 months now and she is moving on. I know that I have to accept it, i know its for the better, but it burns me from the inside i feel like absolute shit, I also became insecure to some extent in the relationship and now I also can’t stop thinking how the guys she is going for are better than me. All the nasty thoughts, and I also know that I need to accept and move on but it’s unbelievably hard, like I mentally couldn’t get myself to go to work the last two days. I feel like everything is hitting 10 times harder now. And the worst is how they project themselves on to you, now act like they “are healing” like how do I even explain this to a third person. Its so fucked

I'm four months-ish out now, still going strong despite the hoover attempts! We also managed to leave things on ok terms. I'm feeling much better, though when I'm feeling emotionally sensitive and missing my exwbpd, I find myself still thinking but maybe it could work, maybe we could try again... and then I have to read about bpd again to remind myself all over again (he is also not in treatment). It's like I have to keep hitting the refresh button for myself.

It's annoying, because I'm ruminating, but almost necessary to not go back. Anyone else have this?