I am in love with my best friend who has I been in love with her for 5 years I buy her gifts and send her money she never wants to see me or meet or hang out together or make any effort to call me or video chat with me shes been abused by men and used and lied to and always going for abusive people who treat her bad and makes more effort for them and them a priority then me whos been here for her and she says we are best friends

In reference to the title,

I'm kind of generalizing now, If person might split over basic slight disturbance,
What if there is actually a way to magically calm them down?

It's already from one side to the other side of the spectrum,
did anyone found a way to make PwBPD obsessed with you by doing basic small thing?

I'm seriously asking.
It make sense for me.
They say that PwBPD is way more sensitive than other, shouldn't it work both ways?

Edit:

I know that validation, warmth, closeness, talking it out, giving distance none of these work, At least with my exPwBPD. definitely not blaming, criticize them or walking away.

Did anyone find something that actually works?

M38 with an F28 gf with very strongly suspected BPD. I feel like I am going genuinely insane.

We have been going out for about 6 months. She is in a bad place in her life and after the first 6 weeks -2 months of the relationship, started self-medicating with weed and a bit of alcohol. Weed use is now daily (and frankly helps her a lot to stabilise her mood after splitting).

There are lots of challenges (consistent with the posts here) and I am dealing with a fundamentally wonderful person when regulated who spends a lot of time disregulated.

What is driving me totally insane is our sex life. She identifies as a very sexual person and someone who "loves sex". To cut a very long story short:

- When we got together the sex was insane, amazing, she was clearly orgasming multiple times (and the messages afterward are consistent with her enjoying it a lot)

- For medical reasons I was enjoying the sex but not orgasming maybe 3 times out of 4 for the first 6 weeks. When I did it took some time and she clearly didn't appreciate that. Her being seen as highly desirable and irresistible is a large part of her "identity"

- I reassured her about this and she thanked me and said she "needed it" hinting at perhaps some insecurity (but on the face of it she's attractive and very, very confident"

- I am an experienced guy and have been married before, with a number of other LTRs and I know what good, bad and average sex looks like I believe. For sure I don't consider myself a totally amazing lover but I have always made sure to be attentive, to concentrate on foreplay, to make sure my partner orgasms at least once before I do, and generally over 25 years of having sex have had no complaints and lots of positive feedback.

- For religious reasons, I didn't know if she was comfortable with oral sex, so I waited a few weeks to do that to her, when I did, she told me she had been waiting for me to do that and couldn't be with a man who didn't do that. OK great, but she has never once tried to manually get me off or ever even attempted oral on me.

- About 6 weeks in, in I think what she though was a thoughtful way, she sat me down and said basically, you "you made me orgasm like once" I clarified that she meant on my penis, she said yes, and that she came a lot in other ways. She then went through this weird speech where she positioned herself in a superior position as some sort of sex educator talking to a schoolboy about rhythm and consistency and what a woman needs to orgasm. She said I was constantly stopping just before she orgasmed. I was totally shocked. I took her words at face value. But it was totally inconsistent with her feedback from the earlier encounters and my read of what happened. But I accepted that she had no reason to lie to me, took it on the chin as an I could have done more to read and she perhaps could have just said "don't stop" situation. She also said "you don't read my body at all". We then had sex in basic missionary and she orgasmed twice (again this is nothing we hadn't been doing plus a lot more), but more interestingly now I orgasmed. She said then that was the best sex we had had and she had had. What made all this totally mind bending was looking back at her messages which just say totally the opposite in terms of our sexual connection, how her body reacts to mind, how the connection is on a different level. etc, etc.

- Sex became infrequent due to logistics, schedules and not being able to be in place it was possible. When there was an overnight, there was a lot of sex, when we went away, there was a lot of sex, usually good sex or very good sex. And she would say as much. But my confidence and sense or reality in my own judgment and about sex had been knocked heavily. And so I became perhaps more hesitant in the bedroom and was checking in a bit more about whether she did orgasm (because I had lost confidence in my own judgment, and also because I became nervous about the consequences of her not getting there).

- A couple of months later I tried to revisit the conversation about the not-orgasming issue as I just could not get the dissonance out of my head, and just wanted to check I had understood her correctly. I did it very gently, but I think she perceived this as me attacking her for raising it (she is hyper sensitive) and split on me, telling me "I have never had this problem before" "your exes must have been lying to you [about orgasming]" "experienced guys know that X, Y and Z" and "doing what you were doing no girl could have orgasmed". I had experienced her raging at me about other things but never anything like this.

- A few days before she told me she thought she had the best BF in the world and the sex was amazing.

- Later that day when she calmed down she was softly trying to make sure I was ok. She never or very rarely apologises for anything, but she does change her approach and becomes, frankly, more like she was at the beginning of the relationship, especially where she realises she has said hurtful things.

- For the following months, the same pattern of infrequent sex but then usually good sex continued. We had a conversation about it and what came across clearly was that she gets very pissed off (rather than disappointed) in the normal side of sex - if she doesn't orgasm, or loses it when close, which is thankfully not common now, that really pisses her off and she tells me it makes her want to avoid sex sometimes. She doesn't get disappointed, she gets really pissed off in her own head. She has given me a laundry list of all the very tiny things about our sex she hates and which cumulatively piss her off (these are really tiny things, of course I take them at face value and have resolved most of them).

Last week we went out, came back to hers, had hours of foreplay and good sex, which she said without me saying anything "was the best sex of her life" - it was good sex but it wasn't best sex ever at all, I could objectively see that.

This week on a weeknight, we had a situation where we both got very aroused, took things to the bedroom, and she just lost her state and stopped things. She had a very stressful meeting due the following day and I think that might have been on her mind. I think my insecurity (which I have never ever had before this relationship) got the better of me and I asked her if it was anything I had done, she said no. Then later before bed I said something to her which was meant to be a reassurance that I was working on the things she didn't like (although "read by body" is shades of grey) but she took that as I think me trying to reassure her. She exploded, then went to sleep.

The following morning, I apologised for not communicating well, and she just got angrier and angrier, to the point she was screaming at me. Telling me that "Sex is no longer enjoyable with you" that "Sex is no longer intimate" "your insecurity is making sex awkward" and "makes her want to avoid sex" and again, to complete the effect, "that she never had this problem before"

But last week it was the best sex of her life she was telling her friends about.

She splits on me constantly and this is the third screaming at me incident of the past 7 days, rationally I can dismiss the nonsense that comes out of her mouth when she says other things about how I take care of her (or otherwise), etc, but with the intimate stuff, I feel like it's a different level of pain and picks on an insecurity I didn't know I had.

She can genuinely misremember conversations minutes after they happened, deny that conversations ever took place, deny or reconstruct events, total reality distortion. She totally believes her version.

I don't know what on earth is going on but for the first time in my life I am chronically sexually insecure, despite mostly good sex, I feel timid and like I'm trying to avoid pissing her off and sex being withdrawn or more hurtful criticism than I am able to be the confident man I always previously have been.

Any insight would be hugely appreciated, because I feel like I am going genuinely insane.

I finally gave an ultimatum that he needs to try medication. His parents- who for all intents are the reason for his BPD- are doctors (not psychologists or psychiatrists), and they told him he doesn’t need medication and that it was a “toxic ask.” I’m fucking drowning. Nothing is working, and I have done enough therapy and self-work to know when it’s something I can’t change. We have a baby. I can’t handle his constant anxiety and control issues, but that’s not what his parents see because they don’t live with us. His mom was in a psych ward for months and is on heavy meds from work trauma that she basically vomited onto her kids’ brains when they were growing up, and I feel like she would LOVE for our relationship to fail so she can have her son back. How do you deal with family who were the cause of your partner’s personality disorder? When do you know it’s time to call it?

Im a lesbian and this has happened to me with two different women and for a long while it made me hate women.

I had an old friend and we were mutually crushing on each other. She was always flirting with me when I assumed she was straight. She was my first "real" crush and chance with a woman. I thought i met someone for the first time in my life . She basically was obsessed with me . She was never doing the whole mirroring thing , she was just flirting and suggesting sexual urges and finding comfort in the friendship. There were no signs of trauma dumping or anything else that comes with bpd apart from maybe the flirting. We were talking for a while and I was struggling ask her the question. I told my sister that I said I think that my friend has a crush on me and I dont know what to do. My sister basically told me to keep the contact and call her as I moved out of town at this time , so I called my friend and she was very happy to have a conversation with me and it was the nicest conversation ive ever had , it wasnt weird. She had to go and she said bye in a very nice cheerful way. After that conversation a few days later I messaged her a confession and she blocked me, so I messaged her on a different platform to unblock me and she did. I understood at the time that maybe she was anxious about liking a woman. The problem got worse , I gave her space for a month and I tried again. I got a sudden phone call from her friend telling me to leave her alone cause shes not gay and a bunch of homophobic remarks against me , she clearly lied to her friend about the situation. I was embarrassed and hurt so I sent this friend screenshots of her clearly flirting with me. I got treated very unfairly by someone I cared about. I was delusional about my friend for about 2 years thinking she would come back to me.

The second time my friend was open with her sexuality and she basically seeked me out from day one . She had a partner but despite this it didn't stop her trying to get to know me . She knew I was gay based on appearance. Its a long story but I was very manipulated by her and I became attracted to her .. it was a crazy two years . She seemed to like me more than her partner and was often suggesting that her partner was abusing her . She was fetishizing me a lot like I was heroic or some shit. She definitely liked me but she was very weird about it like she had to undermine me when her man would do something simple for her or cause she was insecure about her relationship not being so great , she was with him cause he has money and she thought that was something to constantly praise . I told her the truth in the end when she was in a drama with family, I indirectly said that she was jealous, because she doesn't have the freedom. She came across as very male centred and had resentment towards a lot of women, but she was very manipulative towards men. She was more insidious and bully like , which in the beginning its banter and teasing that turns into insecurity

Not for me but for a family member experiencing IPV with his partner who is Cluster B. Parental alienation, vilification and false charges

We live in Ontario.

Sorry for the long post, but I feel I need to explain the whole situation to give you a clear picture of what I have been going through.

I have been dealing with accusations of infidelity throughout most of my married life for almost 12 years, apart from a few periods when we were occupied with COVID or other life issues. We have two children, and our youngest is now 12. I have continued trying to keep our marriage together because I want to give our children enough love, stability, and support to grow up and become independent. For a long time, I have felt that once they are old enough to stand on their own feet, I might simply walk away and live a quiet, solitary life or things will take turn.

How it all started

The accusations began shortly after our youngest child was born.

My wife had arranged for a babysitter to look after our son for one day while we dealt with the hospital visit and the birth of our daughter. The babysitter was at our house for only that day. I was perfectly capable of looking after the children, and my wife had already prepared and frozen enough food to last us several days.

After she returned from the hospital, we were exhausted and adjusting to life with a newborn. We were following the usual three-hour cycle of feeding, cleaning, and repeating.

Then, one night, out of nowhere, my wife accused me of cheating on her with the babysitter.

I was completely shocked. My wife had been the one who found and arranged the babysitter. I had only called the babysitter once or twice to check on our son while she was looking after him. I had absolutely no interest in the woman. My attention was entirely focused on our newborn daughter and our family.

My wife claimed that whenever I left the house, usually to take our son outside because he was struggling to adjust to the arrival of his new sibling, I was somehow contacting the babysitter.

The argument escalated. She tried to pull me by my shirt, and I slapped her in response. I deeply regret hitting her. I was emotionally overwhelmed and reacted in a way I should not have. I still struggle to understand how things escalated so quickly, especially at such a vulnerable time in our lives.

However, I was furious about being accused of something I had not done, particularly when we had just welcomed a newborn into our family.

That was the beginning of a pattern that has continued for years.

Years of accusations without evidence

Since then, whenever we have an argument, the accusations of infidelity eventually return. She portrays herself as loyal and faithful while insisting that I am cheating on her.

Over time, the accusations have expanded beyond the original babysitter.

My wife began monitoring my online status on social media and messaging apps such as WhatsApp. She would claim that I was online at the same time as another woman and take this as evidence that we were communicating. Sometimes she would make these accusations even when my phone was in my pocket or connected to Android Auto while I was driving.

I repeatedly explained that I was not contacting anyone and had no interest in another woman, but she had already made up her mind.

At one point, she also claimed that a mutual acquaintance had seen me with another woman. I have never had a romantic or sexual relationship with another woman during our marriage, nor have I gone on one-to-one outings with another woman. I have attended occasional team dinners and work events, but nothing beyond that.

Despite my explanations, the accusations continued.

Our marriage came close to divorce several times. I asked her family to help us resolve the situation, and they tried to mediate between us.

On a couple of occasions, she secretly left a phone recording at home and later interpreted ordinary background sounds, such as someone walking, as evidence that I had brought another woman into the house and had sex with her while the children were home.

I was at home looking after the children, and I had no idea how ordinary sounds could be interpreted in this way.

I have never been particularly social, and I rarely go anywhere alone for extended periods. Perhaps once or twice a year, I would attend a dinner or a work-related event. I was also the sole earner for our family, so going to the office was a necessity. Nevertheless, I felt as though I constantly had to defend myself against accusations that had no basis in reality.

Eventually, a friend became involved after I confided in him about what was happening. He and his wife knew both of us and did not believe I was involved with the babysitter. The babysitter had also looked after their children. My friend's wife confirmed that the babysitter had since married and had no connection with me.

She even told my wife that I was not the kind of person who pursued women or attracted that sort of attention.

After almost four years of these accusations, my wife eventually agreed to delete the babysitter's number from her phone. Before doing so, she had noticed that the babysitter appeared online at the same time as me and took that as confirmation of her suspicions. I still do not know why the online statuses appeared that way.

Once the number was deleted, things gradually calmed down. Our relationship improved, and for a while, we were able to live more like a normal married couple again.

Trying to make the marriage work

I am not particularly expressive with words, but I try to show my love through actions. I take care of my wife's needs, often before she even asks. I buy her the latest phones, give her flowers, and get her gifts for special occasions.

During this period, she also spent an extended time visiting her family. I travelled occasionally with friends but sent her pictures and updates so she would feel reassured.

However, something had already changed in me. I had started anticipating situations in which I might need to defend myself. I even deleted the app that she associated with the suspicious online activity because I wanted to remove another source of conflict.

I was trying to prevent misunderstandings before they happened, even though I had done nothing wrong.

The accusations started again

A few years later, my wife became very close friends with another married woman. They spent a lot of time together and went out regularly.

I had actually encouraged my wife to build her own social circle because we were living outside our home country, and I thought it was important for her to have friends and a life outside the family.

Their friendship continued for a couple of years. We even visited the woman's house on a family trip, where I met her husband.

I had no idea what the two women discussed privately, and I had absolutely no romantic interest in my wife's friend.

Then, out of nowhere, my wife started accusing me of being involved with this woman. She said I was repeating things the woman had said, although I had no idea what she was talking about. I sometimes feel that I can anticipate what my wife is thinking, but I had no private contact or relationship with this woman.

Once again, online activity became the focus of her suspicions. She claimed that the other woman and I were appearing online at the same time.

After COVID, we had to return to the office, so I was spending time outside the house while my wife remained at home. This gave her more opportunities to question where I was, what I was doing, and whether I was communicating with this woman.

Sometimes, I would return from the office and be accused of having been in bed all day or doing something inappropriate because my shirt appeared to have wrinkles or marks on it.

The arguments became loud and unpleasant, with swearing from both sides. I acknowledge that I have also shouted and used inappropriate language during these fights.

The difference now is that our children are much older, and they are witnessing these arguments. My wife sometimes involves them in our disagreements, and I have repeatedly told her that they should not be dragged into adult problems.

The effect on my mental health and our intimacy

I can cope with many of the difficulties of married life, but these repeated accusations affect me deeply.

Whenever she accuses me of cheating, something changes inside me. I feel hurt, angry, and emotionally disconnected from her. I do not want to look at her, touch her, or be physically intimate with her.

The following day, however, she may behave normally, particularly when I am at home or following my usual routine.

I have tried to explain that trust is fundamental to a relationship. I have told her that these suspicions may be coming from her own imagination or fears, rather than from anything I am actually doing.

At one point, she suggested that our entire family install a location-tracking app like another family we know uses. I told her that I did not believe another app would solve the problem because the underlying issue was trust. I feared that even if we installed it, she would simply find something else to interpret negatively.

That fear has increasingly become my reality.

On one occasion, I had to travel out of town for a couple of days for work. I informed her in advance and showed her that I was travelling with colleagues. However, when a technical problem prevented her from reaching me once, she became extremely upset and accused me of being away with someone else and partying.

The trip was strictly work-related.

Now, even the thought of travelling alone causes me considerable stress. Sometimes, when I go somewhere by myself, she tries to arrange for one of the children to accompany me, even when the activity is something they would not enjoy, such as walking around with my friends or running errands that do not interest them.

I feel as though I can no longer do ordinary things without being suspected of something.

Another attempt to reset our relationship

Recently, my wife attended a family-related event and made an unusually dramatic change in her appearance and preparations. I was surprised because it seemed very different from how she normally presented herself.

I questioned the change, and it led to another argument. She recorded the entire conversation, apparently to use it later.

After she returned, I apologised for my part in the argument and asked her why our relationship had become so difficult. I told her that I wanted us to reset our marriage and move forward.

We had several discussions and eventually agreed to give the relationship another chance. One of the understandings was that she would stop accusing me of infidelity unless she had some concrete evidence.

I told her I was willing to be transparent and provide reasonable access to my devices if it would help rebuild trust.

She already knows the passwords to my phone and laptop, although she sometimes forgets them. The children also use these devices. I have told her that I am not hiding anything and that, if she wants to check something, she can sit with me and go through it together.

My devices and accounts are not deliberately hidden from her, and my phone and laptop are generally at home even when I am sitting outside or have gone out.

After this attempted reset, I made a conscious effort to manage my own reactions. I tried not to respond to every accusation or let her mood determine mine. I wanted to stop escalating arguments and focus on the good moments we still shared.

Unfortunately, the accusations continued on and off.

She would say I was not going to the office but was instead meeting or calling the other woman. Sometimes, when she got into the car after I had travelled alone, she would notice that the seat position had changed and ask who had been moving the settings.

I tried to respond patiently, but I felt that my limits were constantly being tested.

Eventually, I told her that if she genuinely believed I was a cheater, she needed to decide what she wanted to do rather than continue making my life miserable with repeated accusations.

The difficult part is that I still love her despite everything that has happened. I do not want to leave her simply because our relationship has become so painful.

The suspicions have expanded beyond infidelity

After all these years, I have tried to focus on the good moments and enjoy the times when we get along.

I recently asked her directly why she believed I was cheating. She said she had a bad dream about me and that too many things were pointing in that direction.

She has since installed indoor cameras in our home and has access to the recordings. She also saves footage, which makes me feel that she is collecting material to use against me later.

Her interests and behaviour have changed considerably, and she seems to have developed a deeply negative view of me. Many of the problems that happen around us are somehow blamed on me, and I am increasingly portrayed as the worst person in the world.

I have asked her several times that, if she genuinely considers me such a terrible person, why does she not leave me or pursue a divorce? I have reached a point where I feel my patience and mental health are deteriorating.

The lack of trust has also destroyed our emotional intimacy.

She sometimes says that we can still maintain a physical relationship despite our problems. I have explained that intimacy is not just physical. There needs to be emotional closeness and trust as well. When someone repeatedly accuses you of being unfaithful and makes hurtful remarks about your character, it becomes very difficult to feel emotionally connected or desire physical intimacy.

Now, the accusations have expanded even further.

She not only accuses me of cheating but also claims that I am hacking her phone, listening to her conversations, or somehow accessing her private communications. She says that when I repeat a word or phrase she has used in a conversation, it proves that I have been listening to her.

I have no such access or control over her phone.

Even ordinary activities have become suspicious. If I take a different route home from work, it becomes an issue. If I stop to buy groceries, it becomes an issue. If something about my location appears unusual, she assumes I am manipulating the tracking information.

She now has access to my location, but she still believes I am somehow manipulating it. The same applies to the home cameras: even though I am not doing anything wrong, I feel that I am constantly being monitored and that the information is being interpreted to fit her suspicions.

She has also started taking phone calls away from me. If a call comes in while I am home, she may move to a corner or go outside to speak privately.

I do not necessarily believe she is cheating on me. However, given everything that has happened, I sometimes wonder whether she is building a case against me or trying to create a particular narrative about our relationship.

Our children are becoming involved

Another painful development is that I feel our children are increasingly being drawn into the conflict.

I have generally been the stricter parent. If I say no to games, television, or certain activities, I expect that decision to stand. My wife and I had previously agreed that she would take a softer approach while I maintained discipline and boundaries to help the children develop responsibility.

Now, I feel that this difference in parenting is being used to portray me as the bad parent, while she positions herself as the more understanding one.

I am concerned that our children may eventually feel they have to choose sides. They should not have to carry the emotional burden of our marital problems.

What I have found while researching this

I have not approached a lawyer or sought professional family support so far. Most of my attempts to understand the situation have involved reading about similar experiences online, including many Reddit discussions.

During this research, I came across the terms Othello syndrome and pathological jealousy.

From what I have read, I wonder whether my wife's behaviour could be related to some form of pathological jealousy, given the repeated accusations, the lack of convincing evidence, and the way ordinary events seem to be interpreted as proof of infidelity.

I am not trying to diagnose her, and I understand that reading about a condition online does not mean someone has it. I am simply trying to find an explanation for a pattern that I have struggled to understand for almost 12 years.

What confuses me most is that providing reassurance, sharing passwords, explaining my whereabouts, allowing location tracking, and even having cameras in the house have not resolved the problem. Instead, it seems that every new measure creates another opportunity for suspicion.

I feel trapped in a situation where I cannot prove a negative. No matter how transparent I try to be, there always seems to be another explanation for why I must be hiding something.

Where I am now

I am exhausted.

I have spent years trying to keep my marriage together, provide for my family, support my wife, and be present for my children. I have tried explaining, reassuring, sharing information, changing my behaviour to avoid misunderstandings, and giving our relationship another chance.

I know I have made mistakes of my own, particularly when I have lost my temper during arguments. I regret the times I have shouted or said hurtful things, and I do not want to continue living in a cycle of anger and resentment.

At the same time, I cannot keep living as though I am guilty of something I have not done.

I still love my wife, and I want my children to have a stable family. But I also want peace, mutual respect, trust, and the ability to live a normal life without constantly defending myself.

I am beginning to wonder whether this relationship can improve at all if the accusations continue regardless of what I do.

My questions are:

1. Has anyone experienced something similar, where a partner repeatedly accuses them of infidelity despite there being no evidence?
2. Could this be pathological jealousy or something similar, and how can I approach the situation without making it worse?
3. How do you deal with a partner who interprets almost every ordinary activity as evidence of cheating?
4. Is there a realistic way to rebuild trust when reassurance, transparency, and monitoring have all failed?
5. How can I protect my mental health and my relationship with my children while living in this situation?
6. If my wife refuses to acknowledge that there may be a problem, what practical steps can I take to improve the situation?

I am not looking for ways to attack my wife or prove that she is a bad person. I am trying to understand what is happening, how much more I can reasonably do, and whether there is a way forward that does not destroy my mental health or harm my children.

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this long post and share their perspective.

Hey guys, I've been a frequent visitor to this subreddit since my ex and I started dating about two years ago.

Context: I left for army orders in June, came back home for a week in July, and then left for Germany for almost 2 months.

When I came home, my ex was super distant and wanted space. After a few weeks of waiting and not talking, we ended up breaking up. It hurt, but it is what it is. I recently began to talk to this sweet guy. It's been going super well, but now my ex is back. My ex wants me back, and he said he was going to finally fulfill the promises he made while we were dating. Ex: take me on dates, make me feel seen, give me attention, etc

As of now, I am in a rock-hard place because he's telling me he's going to change. I want to believe him, but I don't know. I've read that this is super common for BPD ex-partners to do this because they want a sense of security or sm.

This is just a theory but I always felt if I could let my pwBPD win the break up I could finally escape...she used to brag that all of her relationships ended with her " cutting the guy off " and only one guy ever broke up with her and " he came crawling back " so she " won that breakup too ".

unfortunately every time she broke up with me ( usually every 2 weeks) I wouldn't block her and she would call me back on the 2nd day and not apologize but tell me how much she missed and loved me and could not exist with out me ... Like an idiot I would take her back ...

The one time I blocked her on everything she showed up at my apartment bldg and because she was beautiful and a master seductress I caved.

The last time we broke up I blocked her and was determined to not cave this time ... The fighting had turned physical and violent with me actively defending myself... I was scared shitless one of us was going to be severely injured and all the consequences that flow from that

The 2nd day came and I received a DM on IG from one of her many " guy friends " I did not know this person but recognized the account as one of her followers/orbitars.. ( triangulation was a standard tool in her toolbox of abuse )

The message read " hey are you the guy that used to date _?

I replied the next day "whatsup"

His reply " oh sorry man I got really drunk last night I don't know y I messaged you "

My reply "something u want to tell me about ____?

Him : " no really man nothing"

I then messaged " I'm done with her u can have her and I said some deeply personal , disturbing vile and disgusting things about her to this dude.

I always use disappearing messages on IG but I changed the setting knowing this guy would screenshot the messages and show her ...

That was 72 days ago and I have not had any contact with her since

I know what I did was manipulative and somewhat evil but I literally felt like I would not be able to escape if I didn't let her win the break up

But I literally felt like this was life and death

Did I go too far ? I don't ask that cuz I want her back more asking to soothe my guilty conscience

On a random day she texted me.
She said that she is sorry for everything and that she still care about me as a person.
Why now? What is her purpose?

When I decided to separate, I thought people would blame me and that she would appear as an innocent angel or a "child" in their eyes, just as her mother always claimed. But what happened after the breakup was a genuine surprise to me.

Here is what I discovered:
The shock of the outside perspective: I was surprised by multiple sources—coworkers, acquaintances from college, and even my friends' wives—who clearly noticed her difficult nature and strange behavior, even through very superficial interactions.

Everyone knew I was suffering despite my silence: Even though I tried my absolute best to hide our problems and cover up her true traits from everyone, it was still obvious to those around us that there was something unusual about her personality. They could tell I was definitely suffering in this relationship, and yet, it felt like I was literally the last to know.

The quick slipping of the mask: It became clear to me that an outsider, who has no emotional attachment or obligation to her, can immediately pick up on the strange signals and unjustified behaviors without being fooled by the victim role.

The social code of silence: I realized that the reason no one warned me while we were together was out of politeness and awkwardness. People avoid interfering in relationships and assume you already know and are just coping. But once the split is official, the awkwardness disappears, and everyone finally starts talking.

The fading of guilt: This external consensus, despite being shocking at first, served as the ultimate validation of my reality. It proved to me that my assessment of the relationship's difficulty was real, and that I wasn't exaggerating or imagining things.

Has anyone else noticed this exact phenomenon after their breakup? And do you have any other explanations for why this is so obvious to everyone except us?

My ex was diagnosed with BPD. We were together for almost three years, and one of the things I struggled with most was how quickly our entire relationship could become "terrible" in her eyes.

We could have a genuinely great week together. Then one disagreement would happen, and suddenly she'd tell me we'd never been happy, I never made an effort, and she couldn't remember the last time she felt loved.

The next day she'd sometimes acknowledge that wasn't true. She'd say that when she was really upset, it was hard for her to remember feeling differently.

So last winter she suggested something.

We got a glass jar and started writing down good memories on little pieces of paper. Nothing fancy. Just moments that made us happy.

The time we tried making homemade pizza and completely ruined the dough. A Sunday when we stayed in bed watching terrible movies. Getting caught in the rain and laughing because neither of us had brought a jacket.

She was actually more enthusiastic about it than I was.

For a while I thought it was helping. Whenever she felt like everything was hopeless, we had something tangible reminding us that our relationship wasn't just arguments.

Then we had a fight because I'd agreed to help my brother move on a Saturday morning. She felt like I was choosing my family over her.

It escalated into the usual conversation about how I didn't prioritize her and how she'd wasted years being unhappy with me.

At some point she looked toward the shelf where we kept the jar.

She said, "And that stupid jar doesn't mean anything. We just write those things so we can pretend we're happy."

I remember going completely quiet.

Not because I thought a jar could fix our relationship. Obviously it couldn't.

But she'd come up with the idea herself. She'd written half those memories. She'd smiled while telling me what to put on the slips of paper.

And now, in that moment, apparently none of it counted.

A few days later she apologized for saying it. She told me those memories were real and that she'd meant every word when she wrote them.

I believed her.

But I also couldn't stop thinking about how sincerely she'd seemed to believe the opposite during our argument.

We've been separated for a few months now. The jar is still in a box in my closet. Neither of us wanted to take it when we divided our things.

I'm not trying to claim she never loved me or that our happy moments were fake. I know we had good times.

What hurts is remembering how much energy I spent trying to convince someone that the good times we'd experienced together had actually happened.

Did anyone else experience this kind of complete reversal? Not just being told you're a terrible partner during an argument, but having shared memories suddenly treated like they never meant anything?

Mine did this very frequently. One instance I can think of is when she wanted to talk about signing another lease together. I told her that I think it’s best that we live separately for a year. She asked me why, and I told her that I don’t feel emotionally safe with her when she yells, screams, calls me names, and threatens to call the police on me. She then turned this into “you told me I’m an angry, terrible person” which she then proceeded to tell every friend and family member about and ask them if that was true about her. Of course everyone in her circle reaffirmed her view that she was not an angry, terrible person (which I never once said about her).

It’s like she wanted to twist my words to fit whatever narrative she was trying to drive into other people’s heads about me.

I found myself constantly trying to remember if what she said that I said was true, or if she had blown it way out of proportion yet again.

I broke up with my pwBPD on Monday, he blocked me everywhere but I forgot to block back. I just got a memo from him trying to fix things as if HE was the one giving me a chance and if I was the one making a mistake???? and of course highlighting that I was the most important person in his life. Of course, I was: specifically, what he was getting out of my care, love, and understanding that was never going to fill the void and reflect back to me. Now it's gone and it's not going to come back.
Why do they never see through their own behaviour? This is trully unsettling.

I will block him, though I wish I could say all the things I want to say.

I've lost someone who I felt was a very special friend to me for 20+ years. I know he's alive, I know he's out there but for the sake of my mental health and wanting him to get better, we had to end the friendship.

I have been struggling all summer with this loss because I hoped he would get better and I thought he had changed. He took accountability for what he said at first, only to shift blame towards me as we resumed talking again. Mistaking my kindness and investment in the friendship as flirting when he expected me to be a mind reader and read between the lines that he's always had feelings for me, while he said about the "what if's" if he met a partner, which I didn't think meant me anyway.

It's exhausting to play it all back and forth, remembering the good times we had but the danger of his splits and death threats towards my family and his own family and friends. Him cycling through new best friends when I was the one he felt safest with, but yet he accuses me of making him feel stupid when I knew something he didn't. Nothing life changing, just trivial facts as to where sayings come from, or any other bit of information I came across in reading.

The grief comes from the betrayal of knowing what his true intentions might be and how I didn't know he had incel/Nice Guy Syndrome tendencies. It's not easy to get over as a lot of people say. As many of you know, it's a deep wound that leaves a painful scar when you guess your own sanity and intentions. The walking on eggshells so you don't offend them. Choosing your words and battening down the hatches so they don't split on you and counteract with personal attacks. But also remembering how much they complained about not having anyone else when they've actively pushed them away, a choice they had control over and executed on their own.

They know, they know, but they won't do.

It sucks feeling like no matter what you did, it wasn't good enough.

They will lose their credit, cars, relationships, jobs, friends and now her children cos she would rather not admit mistakes and deal with shame.

Impulsivity is unreal. The emotional pain of chaos caused by imbalanced emotions is unreal. It’s insane.

So, my stbxw has dismantled my life rather successfully.

She had all the bpd red flags and even some family members and friends indicated as much.

I have suffered from it and I think after ivf, and then her demands to continue and withdrawal I became the enemy. A lot of threats including of divorce and much else.

Then suddenly at a time when im exhausted and she hqs begun to Stonewall me, misdirect and is acting "for us" but never discussing things, suddenly begins the adhd assault. Threats again to force the diagnosis and indifference.

Coercing me into a diagnosis (its likely mild auadhd) but it brings in a lot of very ugly comparison alongside a lot of "your the problem" etc. In essence she sees herself as infallible, indeed to broach that becomes a trigger. Its all about the present, but not for me. Its about her assumptions of trauma and past and so on. She begins to tear apart our family, and the funny look, almost like a grin but subtle begins.

5 therapists later, and a private diagnosis and lots of i want to fix it, then moves out, literally denying reality (complains about money but is forever going broke or needing money, standing in front of me in new clothes denying she has bought new clothes) it becomes clear theres an issue.

Nevertheless as ever I do as she asks, she makes broken or half or non commital promises, refuses to engage, baits and switches and starts to seemingly set up for divorce.

I wonder if this adhd method or the switching is the problem. In time she seems to Don this whole new persona. Bratty, arrogant, rude, dismissive, condescending and parental. Later it becomes a full on attack on my mental health. She states I shouldnt share adhd and ought to be ashamed of it.

She has stopped therapy and deceived me and the couples therapist.

Fast forward she moves out, another lie, then moves back under pretense of reconciliation. But its literally an act. The first instance there is a crisis, caused by her lack of preparation and demands at disruption to me, she defaults back.

She even called the police on me when I told her she was driving me into depression and I was looking at having to call the national domestic abuse helpline, mankind or if needs be the police.

Ive done an extraordinary amount of work on this.

I think my reactions. As agreed by the plethora of therapists constitute reactive abuse and she seemed to move towards tactics that would deliberately disrupt or upset someone with adhd. Seemingly as though her work in this was to arm herself to equip and exploit. Her favourite was rsd.

On a number of occassions I even engaged with her in therapy exercises, or said her own words back to her (as ever, they are unacceptable and pointing out theyre her words verbatim doesnt matter).

Sex had become a transaction, the time between sex, and the ask or often admin or concession then sex shrank over time.

I tried my best, but it was never good enough.

Post seperation when I asked for a time wirhout contact it seemed to trigger her more aggressive conduct, and it seemed as if on occassions and still to now that she treats me as incompetent or as a fool. Asking or juxtapositioning unreasonable or unfair demands, then using the exact situation she produced as grounds for further demand or threats.

Ive had her father poke at me in my own home and triangulation from a sibling. Notably someone who works in social care, as well as the worst of her behaviour coming at times of high stress or demands on my time.

I fear sadly she has bpd, I did a lot of homework on npd, and they're cousins of one another but this is something else.

Ultimately she was very private, never shared her phone and kept contact wirh multiple ex boyfriends, even mysteriously bumping into them, or revealing some omnitted detail, including amszingly of an area we came to live in having been someowhere she knew and lived in bwfore, but felt threateend by someone I knew 20 years before.

So I think sadly whilst you cant diagnose someone in absentia ive had 3 differnt therapists point at this. And im terrified of what this means.

Ive made an exceptionally generous offer that screws me over divroce wise, but its never enough. She threateend it, every year of it starting a few days in on honeymoon.

I wish id fled then, but stayed. It got progressively worse and almost aeemed like ahe was addicted to the drama.

Im no angel but she would talk about a terrible void or darkness in her, an emptiness. And wpuld become restless and combataricr, antagonistic and forever putting her own or her families needs ahead. Rest for her usually involved jsut her. No compromise or accomodation.

Endlessly scrolling havibg spent years picking at me. She even shared fucked up and intimate things about me, deeply private matters with friends. And despite throwing me out seemed to think its all okay or all jsut a game. Half private but just her half.

I just dont know what to make of it.

Make it make sense.

Yes, I am thankful it happened now but during our falling out I was labeled all kinds of things that just aren’t me. I was labeled selfish, demanding, controlling, judgmental, and hypocritical. All because I wanted reciprocity and honesty in our friendship... In hindsight, I realize that she was projecting all of her own insecurities onto me. She is the epitome of all those things. Yes, that is helpful to know but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating!!

To sum it up my pwBPD got upset with me when I refused to be an echo-chamber for her. I offered a grounded perspective in a situation that was blown out of proportion. No, I did not say that it was being blown out of proportion. In fact, I validated her feelings, repeatedly. But as we all know, that isn't sufficient for someone with BPD. She wanted me to agree with her version of the events.

According to her though, I was "already not being a good friend prior to the situation". That was news to me considering how after three years of friendship I never heard a word about how I was being a bad friend.

It’s so incredibly frustrating to have a false narrative created about you, your past rewritten, and your character unfairly attacked.

Weeks have passed and I’m having trouble moving past this. UGH

I just needed to vent a little.

I have a friend with BPD. Long story short : we have known each other for 4 years and I noticed that she is getting worse.
She is in therapy but refuses inpatient treatment.
I told her that I noticed she’s unwell and always when she has a problem I’m listening , I’m making suggestions what could be done etc.

During this year the threats of hurting herself have become weekly if not daily. Some are direct , some are just comments like „the world is better without me etc“. Usually it was possible to ignore those but it got more and more difficult.

One evening she told me that she had to hurt herself because of sth that I said or didn’t say I can’t even remember. Later she acted as if that didn’t happen. Similar interactions happend this year and I don’t see how it would stop.

I can’t and won’t take responsibility for an adults behaviour. I am just wondering about how to end this interaction cause I am just tired and my life has its own struggles. OR what to do to get her help and restore a not so close contact.

I am fine with people that have mental health struggles but I can’t stand the „do as u say or I hurt myself“ thing.

I've been eyeing this Reddit for so long, I decided it was finally time to put into words some of what I've been feeling and to get some wisdom.

It's been months since I broke up with this person, and yet the way they tried to destroy me after and managed to isolate me still has me in shock. I barely had heard of BPD online except as a sort of internet joke? I learned the hard way that false accusations DO exist, to the point where it took me months to realize I actually hadn't done anything wrong, since I trusted this person with my whole heart. None of my other multiple relationships in my life had ever ended with someone accusing me of horrible behavior (changing the story months after), or trying to destroy me, isolate me, so why now?

I loved this person with my whole heart, in some ways I still do (accepting both the good and bad, I do believe she really loved me, which is also why it was so shocking how she chose to utterly attempt to obliterate my life after and succeeded in making me feel completely isolated), and I am at a loss as to how this could happen. The false accusations, the attempts to hurt you with everything possible, telling strangers a mixture of lies about you but also intimate things out of context to make you feel as shamed and hurt as utterly imaginable.

I let all my limits and boundaries down, I thought I was better, but I felt like if I could help her she would feel better, I didn't sleep and neglected to eat or think about myself to meet what she said she needed. She convinced me slowly that I was a terrible person and that only she could absolve me. If I hadn't been so isolated, I would definitely not have fallen into that situation, but once I was in it I realized I was afraid (of what she eventually did to me, of taking confabulations and using them to hurt me as much as possible). While I knew she wasn't well when I broke up, I never could have imagined the extreme extent to which she went to publicly attack me. Needless to say I'm glad I had people around and professional help.

I have had two therapists since the breakup and it has definitely helped. Part of this therapy has been about how I allowed myself, somehow, to accept so much emotional and verbal abuse and why I didn't leave earlier. It took a massive toll on my body, one I didn't even realize until months after, when my body was no longer the same and I have some permanent scarring medical from it.

What concerns me is how after every small island of feeling like I'm healing, I fall into a dark pit again, sometimes lasting days. I guess I'd like to know how it feels as time goes by, because every time I think I'm "better" I find myself suddenly scouring the internet to see if she's somewhere posting my address, or personal info, etc. EVERY time someone doesn't respond to a message or gives me a weird look I imagine she's somehow reached half the planet. I know it's "irrational," but I feel like she's everywhere, despite all evidence to the contrary?

What finally hit me like a brick the other day is that this person will never apologize, will never take back the awful lies, the false accusations, nor the fact that in every way possible they left me in the worst situation possible. I had what likely felt like a "trauma" response, but I don't know what it was exactly except suddenly feeling like a deer being hunted. It felt like I was back back in the worst moment, when she was attacking me publicly and there was little to nothing I could do but go no contact, with her and anyone who engaged with her lies, at great cost. I wonder how many other dangerous situations she's created and will create, I wish there were some accountability, but I guess she already created the narrative she wanted and won't ever take it back.

I am scared of her, so much so that I am even scared still that somehow she's gonna find this post and escalate again. I didn't post before because it had gotten to the point where I imagined every sock puppet account I saw online was her. It's irrational, I know it is, but with my new internship in a new state I keep imagining scenarios where she emails all my coworkers, or boss, or to hurt me again, or who knows. The fact that there's been no attempt at hoovering as of months ago makes me feel better, but I don't know how far she will go the moment she gets bored, again.

I am doing a lot of things I love, bit by bit. I'm trying to heal by understanding that just being me isn't "bad," that simply existing doesn't mean I have to apologize for existing. It's that feeling that got me into that mess. I hope to be able to put myself back in public like I felt able to before I met her. I want to feel like just being me, somewhere else, she's not waiting around every corner. Again, she only publicly attacked me once, but it was enough to leave me feeling like I'd neverr be able to be online anywhere again.

I am starting to understand that there was nothing else I could have done, it's impossible to imagine that someone whom you loved with all your heart, who loved you (however strange and unstable it was) could try to destroy you. I am also starting to realize I don't have to try to convince all the people she reached that I'm not what she says, I can just move on. It was many people who became part of her campaign against me, most of whom probably forgot I existed at this point.

If anyone would like to share what it feels like after a year, or maybe two of no contact that would be great. I know some cases never resolve but if anyone has had experience of your life getting better as a result of knowing how to never get into a situation like this I would love to hear a bit of your story if you're comfortable sharing. Thank you!

Me 24M. Bpd ex is 24F.

I have blocked her gone complete no contact

Is on a mutual friends social media singing about our break up being strained and how she is happy that it has ended and how she wanted it that way changing the narrative of what actually happened.

I was shown this from a mutual friend I don't know how to deal with it. She also accused me of being a playboy and how I'm behind other girls especially my therapist. Which isn't true. I had given all my time for her. Which was never enough. Our last discussion was on how she is a cup with a hole and it needs to be filled by me all the time otherwise our relationship wouldn't work. I took the courage to step out.

It's been almost 3 months now Rumination is doing a good number on me

I don't know how to deal with what I saw please help

I almost feel like their constant back and forth nonsense is making me crazy too. This past weekend they forgot the window was open next to where they were spending time. I walked by them as I went outside and they were all sweet to my face but the moment I was out of sight? They were talking angrily towards me to the abyss, but it wasn't the abyss, I heard what they said and it took everything in me to not say "come again?" through the window.

Instead I kept on with what I was doing, but when I came back inside I wasn't so chipper to want to hold their hand and pretend like nothing was wrong either. I just kept doing what I was doing and they did their normal clingy bs wanting endless reassurance after they just said vile things about me. They kept trying to hug me, kiss me, and hold my hand but it was exhausting to just be around them. They could tell I wasn't feeling it but because I didn't want the rage that comes with having any sort of an opinion I just said I felt sick. (Which wasn't far off because after seeing the flip I was sick to my stomach.)

In true them fashion, they needed to make even me being sick about themselves and talk about how they had magically formulated the same symptoms as I had... I must have given them something don't you know? Only their symptoms were much worse and they needed attention for them. I gritted my teeth and just got through another day of this nonsense. The next day they were happy go lucky all day texting me over the top sweet things. Then when I got home they immediately switched it to a grouchy look on their face and a cold dead look in their eyes.

Then yesterday back to being over the top sweet telling me how much they love me during their lunch break then mid conversation they got mad and shut down the conversation. Which honestly? I relate this behavior at work with them having someone else they would rather show attention to as this has been the case in the past. They have had relations on the clock at work. Whatever, I'm honestly getting used to just having an unfaithful spouse.

They come home being rude again with that same ah look on their face stomping through the house. But being needy and wanting me to reassure them which I do but they are still being rude and mean. Treating me like I'm the unstable one because I'm not over the top endearing at the moment but for the last 2 days now I've been getting nothing but hot/cold rudeness mixed with fakeness.

Then I turned them down last night so today they stomped through the house slamming things and being angry before gunning their gas and storming off at twice the speed limit.

I am so resentful right now and it makes me feel crazy like I'm doing something wrong for being angry at their behavior. But then fake nice bs when they want something from me is getting old. I mean really really fake, like outsourcing your sweet nothings to chat gpt to write and then copy pasting texting them to me when that's not their typical cadence or grammar.

I want to just call them out for it but the other side of me knows that everytime I dare to have feelings they catastrophically melt down and make it about their feelings and how they should harm themselves followed by needing even more reassurance or they will go to the hospital to say the right things to be put on a psych hold for attention while they tell the doctors nothing about not taking their meds or drinking with their meds so how can they really help only knowing half the story?

How any of us maintain any resemblance to sanity being connected to the insane is beyond me.

I ended it today, she discarded me 20 days ago and keep me on push pull, but tonight she was colder then ever, talked like her new girl friends that she made and she is changed i can see it. Last night she was crying about us, but next day she doesnt care at all. Said she will talk honestly next day (today) cause she is tired now, didnt wake up for few hours so i understand that its over, even if it wasnt her intention not to wake up, one year ago she would move mountains for me and for us to talk to. I am nothing to her now. She is quiet bpd, so she never made any arguments or was violent or something like that. Just one month after one year she decided to tell me she needs space, and told everyone that she is scared of me and wanna break up. But told me diffrent things. She was so empathic and nice whole relationship, and always did whatever i asked.

I wrote her last message and blocked her. I threw all stuff she made me all letters in some box, and i cried my soul out while i did that, literally. I am so empty and sad, i thought someone had finally saw me, thats what i wanted from my dad but i guess not. I am so sad i dont understand how year ago she would do anything for me, now i am nothing.