I'm a few days out from breaking up with my pwbpd and contemplating my ex and her life. I know I should be angry for the emotional abuse, but does anyone else just feel horribly sad for them?

I can see the kind of person she could be. Half the time, un triggered, she was a regular girlfriend who loved spending time with me. She cried and begged me to stay, and it sounded like a little kid asking to not be left at the train station by their parents. It was soul killing to hear.

I can't stop being angry at her parents and the world for creating the circumstances that led her here. The trauma she has experienced would kill most. I won't detail it out of respect for her, but think of the life a woman in a war torn country might experience and it's kind of similar. She is responsible for her actions of course, but there is something genuinely tragic and sad about someone desperately needing love but having no way to actually have and keep it.

Just a thought

(Speculation)

When I was with my possible BPDer, I got the sense that the "discarding"/Splitting at the end was just a way to abandon someone else as it was her primary fear.

Like they are on top, so they are doing the abandoning now.

But when the relationship is chugging along during beggining and middle with them attached, they are scared of being abandoned by you. It's their top concern.

Once that switch flips though.... it seems to turn fully around. And they perform their greatest fear on you as like a final move to feel like they're doing it to someone else, and it not done to them. And maybe they feel good from it.

Am I crazy for thinking this? Is this consistent with BPD and their games?

This has to be one of the most mind altering experiences ever. The day before you are the love of their life couldn’t imagine life without you. Once you are discarded you are like an enemy to them. Blocked all communication channels and they never want to speak to you or see you again. Instant coldness like you never mattered.

I broke up with my ex, who had BPD, around two months ago. Since I had already mentally checked out of the relationship before it ended, it didn't take me long to start thinking about moving on, exploring new connections, and even installing dating apps. However, looking back, I feel like the relationship has left me emotionally exhausted. I already had some anxious attachment tendencies, and the way my ex treated me, especially in the beginning, heavily reinforced them. She gave me a lot of attention, affection, validation, gifts, and beautiful words, which made me feel incredibly special and wanted. Since it was my first relationship, that initial phase became my gold standard for what love was supposed to feel like, despite everything that happened later. Now, I've been talking to a new girl for about a month and a half, and I feel like my expectations have become distorted. I find myself expecting certain levels of attention, affection, effort, and validation, and I'm not sure whether these expectations are reasonable or whether I'm still carrying the emotional patterns from my previous relationship. It's almost as if my nervous system has become accustomed to that initial intensity, and anything that doesn't replicate it leaves me feeling like something is missing. I don't fully understand what's happening, but I feel like my relationship expectations have been affected by my past experience, and I'm struggling to figure out how to approach this new connection without letting my previous relationship influence it.

My daughter is 33 and has BPD. She is married and they have 2 kids together (11, 6 mos) and she has a 16 yr old son from her high school relationship. Her and her husband are now separated because of her mental health. She and her father are not really talking after she sent some extremely hateful texts to him like telling him she hopes he gets dementia and dies, she wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire, she's going to be so happy when he dies. She has still been talking to me and things have been fine between me and her....until today. She's convinced she's going to have a medical emergency...a. seizure...and nobody will be around to help. She started crying after I dropped off the baby talking about not being able to be alone. I didn't know what to do or say. She finally took the baby and told me to leave. Then she gets mad because I left. And had been hateful in texts to me, telling me I don't care, I take her health as a joke, she doesn't want me in her life anymore and to fuck off. All of the behaviors stress me out to no end and I mean it actually makes me physically sick and anxious. A couple of years ago, I was to the point where I was having suicidal ideations and made a plan. I don't know how to deal with the BPD, walking on eggshells, the stress and anxiety. Does anyone have any advice? I'm also thinking about going back to therapy for this but want someone who specializes in BPD who can help.

My expwBPD was so incredibly full of herself. She thought she was the best thing and best person ever, and no one else came close. She held herself in such high regard and would steamroll over anyone who didn’t buy into that facade. She was very beautiful and she knew that and would throw it in my face regularly “I’m beautiful and hot and sexy, so yeah I get why people look at me and I like it”. But I wonder if that was all a part of her mask, or if she was truly egotistical? Did anyone else’s pwBPD seem incredibly full of themselves/arrogant/prideful?

I've heard people say something along these lines a lot, what exactly do you mean when you say this? (I obviously can guess but am interested to know exactly why it helps them as well as us obviously)...

My trauma bond with him is thick. Besides violence, and the verbal abuse, he cheated with 20 people during our year long relationship. He's 25, I'm 18. He has npd and BPD, so I try to assimilate despite the difficulties. It's just , 20 people is a lot. Not 20 times, 20 people. That I KNOW of. I knew he cheated but only 2 times maybe. That's bad of me, I know that, to tolerate this. It particularly bothers me that he cheated with his ex who treated me poorly and told me many times he was cheating on me months before I knew. I trusted him then so I didn't believe her, and figured she was just jealous. I'm trying to be distant now, but it's really messing with my mood. I'm trying to break the trauma bond and stand up for myself but I'm not sure. I hope I can keep it that way. He says he wants me back and things , that I matter and that he loves me but I know factually that if he did he wouldn't have done this to me. We work together and collaborate as artists so I have to be in proximity to him a lot, and he's always flirting with me but I'm trying to be professional and I told him to be also. I love him, the relationship is just spoiled for me. He told me about all these girls and that I'm not good for anything but sex and I don't even remember what else. It was bad. I can't stay in this relationship with my best interest in mind.

I find myself questioning this. The honeymoon phase of the relationship with my expwBPD was intoxicating beyond belief. Insane, anything-you-want sex, all the time. Constant gifts, talking, and her building me up as the “best person ever”. The time we spent together felt like we were so in-tune with each other - the conversations flowed, the kissing and make-out sessions were next level. Couldn’t keep our eyes and hands off of each other.

As I reflect back on all of this I question why the honeymoon phase with my expwBPD was so much more intense than the honeymoon phase in any other relationship? Did anyone else have a similar experience? What is your take on it and why it was that way?

I own part of a partnership in which my BPD spouse has no ownership interest. I got bullied into handing her a spreadsheet of expenses for the year that included non-deductible expenses. My partner was able to bully me into this by holding up the signing of our joint tax return. All hell has broken loose as a result. For example, I am hearing things like you spent money on yourself that you could have spent on our kids or me, your partner bought his significant other stuff that you could have bought me, you spend too much on x, y, or z at the business, and there must be more that you are hiding. This is going to be a never ending bottomless hole. I’m really at the point of just wanting out of this marriage, but the BPD spouse is using this as a way to threaten and coerce me into what they call atoning for everything they perceive I have done wrong to them in the past. It’s a truly exhausting scenario that never seems to end

Hello,

I [25M] have met my ex-girlfriend [23F] 4 years ago through dating apps. I learned a few months into the relationship that she had BPD, and learnt what it was at that moment. We had a really intense relationship with very high highs, and very low lows.
She is a truly wonderful person, but she lived a very very hard life. She has nobody. No Friends she can rely on, no family, no money, she went through so many traumatic events and she deserved and is responsible for nothing out of it all.

The major issue through our relationship was that I always felt the pressure of her love. She loves me so much that it scares me. I always know the breakup was gonna be difficult, and we faced so many issues (insane jealousy, had to cut off some friendships with girl friends, jealousy towards my family, constant need of more attention…), that I kinda always knew it had to end some day. She always felt that I thought that way and that made all her insecurities even harder to live with. But I did truely love her, more than I ever did love anybody else in my life.

After 3 years of this really exhausting relationship, I was at wit’s end. It cost me so much energy, so much money, so much time, made me lose people I loved. I had an job opportunity in Spain (we lived in France), took it, and told her months before my departure that it could mean the end of our relationship. Weeks before the D-Day, I told her I could not see myself pursuing the relationship long-distance for all the reasons that we endlessly talked about throughout the relationship. She got really really sad and upset, to the point that she made me understand that there was a big chance that she would commit suicide without me and begged me to give a chance to the RS through the distance. After that, it went in cycles for a year. I would tell her I need to end the relationship, she would talk about committing suicide, and beg to let her come see me for a few weeks in Spain, and I would yield because of the pressure and the guilt trip. It happened a 3 times and by the fourth, I said enough. I gave her no hope that we could get back together, but I agreed to stay in touch until she gets psychiatric help.

About a month after the breakup, we were still in touch. After a random party, I ended up kissing a girl that was my friend. It happened once, we talked about it and agreed that it was a one time thing and meant nothing. My ex found out about it because she had access to my Instagram (didnt know about it) and was spying on my dms. That event literally threw her into a spiral. It was 6 months ago. She started using drugs because she couldnt handle the pain. She accused me of cheating on her (it happened a month after the B-U) and told this version of the facts to our friends. I never told my version because she is so lonely that I am scared that people could cut ties with her. She got very very verbally violent and humiliating towards me, and threatened me without ever being precise on what she intended. I had never seen anybody so angry and sad in my entire life and felt like she was ready to do anything. One thing she told me led me to think she was gonna revenge porn me on the girl I kissed (later found out she wasn’t but I had solid reasons to think so), so I told that girl to block her on Instagram. That only got her even more angry.

Her addiction got severly worse. She had money problems, could not afford her rent. Without help, she was going to sleep outside, so I paid her rent. I felt so much guilt (which I know I should not), that when I came back to France 3 months ago, I tried to help her fix all her problems, hoping that I could peacefully let her go after that. For the last 3 months, I have been spending a lot of money for her, looking for jobs for her, looking for a treatment for her, doing all her paperwork, doing her chores when I go to her place.

She still is in the same place she was 6 months ago. She still is addicted. She still thinks every single day about the girl I kissed. She still prevents me from dating anybody else. She still gets angry at me, asking me to tell her to unblock her on IG. She still can’t pay her rent. The same cycles keep happening and I am so tired. I abandoned so much on every aspect of my life for her and nothing has changed.
But I can’t find the strenght to leave her alone. Deep down she really is somebody that lived a nightmare of a life. I meant so much to her because being with me truly were the only moments in her whole life where she wasn’t in absolute mental pain. If I cut contact with her, she will commit suicide. Sadly, I know she will. And she believes im responsible for it since I am the one that commited what sent her in this spiral. She means so much to me and I know it is not my responsibility and I know I should not set myself on fire to warm her but I can’t get myself to abandon her because she deserves dignity and a chance to fix things.

I just cant accept sentencing her to death.

Always knew it was gonna end up ugly. It is far worse than I ever imagined. Hurts so much because she truly wants help but she only calls for mine because I’m the only one in her world.

I probably already know what you are going to tell me, but I need advice or I would like to hear some stories that I can relate with.

<3

I feel like knowing my partner has bpd was the worst thing to ever happen. If they treated me the way they do without a diagnosis I would assume they were a psychopath and leave immediately, but for some reason I just take all the verbal and emotional abuse because I know they’re splitting and I don’t need to take anything that seriously.

I’m just exhausted and not in the position to leave which obviously makes things harder. I know this is mostly a group recovering from the breakups and abuse of being with a bpd person but is there any light at the end of the tunnel? Has anyone’s bpd partner gotten help and were you able to move past their mistreatment of you in the past?

Sorry this post actually is so all over the place 😭

A mask that everyone else believed was the real them?
Meanwhile behind closed doors becoming a monster to you?

It’s infuriating that she projects an image of herself that others believe, then behind closed doors she revealed who she truly was to me and abused the hell out of me, then played victim to her friends and family based on how I would respond to that abuse painting me to be the “abuser” and problem.

Why is it that no one in her circle can see past her mask? Why do her friends and family believe her lies about me? Why am I the only person in her circle that she abused the hell out of? It’s seriously the most frustrating thing having everyone else believe you are the abuser while you are actively being abused.

I (29F) have two friends in my life who I have struggled with, multiple times, over the last 10 years. They both have borderline, and are older women. I understand needing to keep boundaries, but I still haven’t really made any progress in protecting my peace. Just looking for advice on ways to keep my boundaries and not get swept up in their emotional hurricanes.

Something small happens like I talk to one of her friends at a bar she asked me to go to with her friends, then She turns on me. She will Stuff like say "you've never done anything to help me ever." When I try to address it the next day she says. "Will you forgive me? I need to know you still love me." But never really acknowledges what they did hurt me at all. Or that she was being quite frankly unreasonable that she asked me to hang out with her friends but doesn't want me to talk to any of them.

I'm not sure if this is bpd because she does say forgive me which is almost accountability but it's only in service of needing me to glom back on to her

It just hurts because it shows she never cared. I dont even enter into her mind. Not even slightly enough to send a happy bday. My boss who was the last person i expected to do that did. But not her. Its just a reminder of the reality of having been with a bpd. If i died she wouldnt care.

Did you ever feel long periods of splitting or hatred from your ex partner,
and then you got pulled back into the cycle and everything was perfect for a while?
how long they saw you as their enemy most?

And I mean from few weeks to months that you are their enemy. Silent treatments, ghosting, calling you names.

My ex was notorious for getting very flirty, touchy with other people (both men and women) when she would drink. It always made me so uncomfortable, and when I would try to bring it up she would say that didn’t happen or I was over-exaggerating. But I was there, I saw what happened. I never got drunk around her so I kept my composure and was noticing things like this happening. I wonder if she did it on purpose to try to make me jealous, or if that was just how she was when she drank.

Was it the same for anyone else?

title

Long story short, last night I decided to approach conflict completely different. Trying my best to not lose my composure and not take every insult personally while adhering to her condition that I should never leave the room unless the conflict was resolved despite how much the anxiety of the intensity was crippling me.

I came back from work and addressed the previous day's conflict. Stating that I don't desire to fight but rather come to a resolution and promised that even if I did reach a breaking point were a fight a to come up I'd practice as much self control as I can. Her response to all that was something along the lines of "how is what your saying supposed to make me feel better"... Then it went down hill.

2 hours later I started zoning out because I couldn't follow the conversation. She kept increasing the intensity of the conversation, then started screaming louder and louder. In the last hour she began accusing me of understanding other women's feelings and demanded an explanation of why I can't seem to understand hers, at this point I'm starting to panic because I'm expecting to start getting hit. Then it happens, she slams her fists against my thighs and says if I don't speak in that very moment things would get ugly. I started having a panic attack so bad I couldn't formulate words but managed to push through and spoke to the best of my ability.

And scene! Her posture IMMEDIATELY changed and she stood up and said she was proud of me and said she'd hug me but didn't want to "manipulate me." She said she could only imagine how hard it was for me to endure all that and I'm free to take a smoke walk to cool off. I immediately broke down in tears out of utter shock of what I had just experienced. It was an absolute mindfuck. She was basically testing me and was consciously pushing me to my breaking point.

We still had another fight this morning at 2am...

Edit: I understand how what I said may suggest that I figured out a way to deal with someone wBPD but I'm writing this to show that it will only end in you loosing yourself if you put your hope in your behaviour changing them or the outcome.

Hello. Would like to chat with someone who has delt with cheating and they're BPD partner and has gotten past it! Any success stories? Or if you have BDP and has cheated please reach out I'd like to hear your pov on a few things!

​I never thought I would be writing this, but I am sitting alone in my house at 4:30 in the morning feeling completely broken, and I just need a safe space to get this out.

​My wife and I have been together for 5 years, and it has been an exhausting cycle of volatility, walking on eggshells, broken agreements, and shifting goalposts. Tonight completely shattered what was left of our marriage.

​She had been staying at her apartment, but came back home today after dinner with her cousins. She was drunk and immediately started acting erratic—demanding to go back to her apartment, picking random fights, and claiming she didn't want to be with me over and over. Later, I caught her on the phone; she claimed it was her cousin, but I distinctly heard a man's voice. When I confronted her, she blew up, refused to tell me the truth, and started screaming, so I walked away.

​A little while later, she called me and confessed that she did sex work.

​I was in absolute shock. I told her calmly that I couldn't process it right now, went to a separate room, and started crying. That is when the texts started rolling in. While I was sitting alone crying over the destruction of our life, she texted me calling me homophobic slurs, telling me "You're cryin' about yourself," and telling me to "Cry quieter" because my pain was "embarrassing."

​When I went back to tell her to leave and go back to her apartment, she started raging all over again. Things escalated to the point where there was property destruction in the bedroom. I was begging her to leave, called my family, and eventually had to call her cousin and sister to come pick her up and take her away from the house.

​Now she is gone, the house is quiet, and I am just staring at the wreckage of the last five years. She spent the whole night framing her choices as "mistakes" and turning my tears and pain into a weapon against me, accusing me of making it about myself.

​I feel entirely hollowed out, isolated, and broken. I loved her so much she was working on it she was doing therapy I feel so broken. How do I start all over. How do i do this what do I do where do I go who do I talk to

Two months of no contact.

Really thought that was it.

I held the line.

Last days of interactions begin August, total escalation during which he stole my car keys, removed the battery and air from tires, sent slandering messages to my workplace and on LinkedIn from a fake account, held me captive at my own place raging and threatening to make sure I should be gone, etc - plus of course two years of lies, chaos, cheating etc

Then random texts from "love of my life" to the final email, he "chose so else (that he'd been cheating on me with 1.5 yrs prior) and is so much happier, as she is awesome and loyal and knows relationship boundaries'. (And insults and devaluing oc).

Found an email in Spamfolder today. He's been invited (possibile lie) to a concert in Mexico and asking if I want to come along.

Just, in which universe do these people live??

What is going on in his brain?

How is this even possible?

I know it's a mental illness, but this person has a proper job in which he has to function to a certain degree, none of the suicidal ideation or addiction problems, how is it possible that he seemingly has total amnesia?

Or really believes I would fall again for his breadcrumbing and lies after what happened??

It's equally sad and laughable at this point.

I loved him so much. I gave him everything and more. I'm in no way over him.

But this is entirely flabbergasting.

It's good to accept it, yes she as a woman can find another man without feeling any remorse, you as a man can take a long time to find a new partner but accept it as unfair planet we life in, for me she was my whole reality, now she act with a maximum cruelty, even if she's sleeping with another guy you should realize in your shoes are so many men and ppl become more cruel by the time pass, don't check her TikTok Instagram, just accept it as defeat and next relationship don't be that vulnerable cus she'll stab u when I the most vulnerable, yes there are good women but it takes a painful amount of filtering, don't give up.