I (26M) haven’t explored my sexuality and I think it’s affecting my fulfillment in relationships.
I have only ever been with women, and all of my serious long term relationships and my current one (28F) have poor/okay sex lives. I wonder if this is because I haven’t explored my sexuality.
I have only ever presented myself as straight but I have been curious about having sex with men since discovering gay porn in middle school. I have struggled with a porn/masturbation addiction for several years and I always find myself drawn to gay porn. It’s what turns me on the most and gives me the most enjoyment. I have fantasized about having sex with a man but have never tried it in person (aside from one night when I was drunk and had a grindr hookup give me a bj for like 3 mins before I stopped it and kicked him out).
I have not yet had good sex in my life. My current partner has been the most comforting and supportive of me. This has helped me be more comfortable with sex and talking about it, but hasn’t led me to actually enjoying it more or having less dysfunction. She’s bi and was open about her experience. Once getting to know me, she has lightheartedly called my behavior gay, which doesn’t bother me. She has also genuinely asked if I was gay, bi, or curious about experimenting. I lie and have always said no. It really hasn’t been something I’ve seriously considered until recently.
I kind of want to do it but I also would hate to deal with any fallout, both in my relationship and in coming out to myself. I do not want to hurt my gf by doing this, either by her thinking I’ve been faking my love/attraction the whole time or that she’s unloveable (childhood and relationship trauma). I doubt she would be open to me hooking up with a man and I don’t think I have to courage to ask her.
As I mentioned, I have been curious about being with a man for a long time, but I have never felt it happen naturally. I have seen a man and said to myself “he’s hot” but never felt the same kind of draw that I have felt with female crushes. I don’t know if this is because I’m repressing a side of myself or what.
Honestly, I don’t know what my real question is, but I figured asking a bunch of strangers is the best way to go about things!