I recently had an argument with my mother that genuinely broke my heart.
It started when I was discussing a traditional religious ritual associated with seeking forgiveness for supposed transgressions related to menstruation. I told my mother I disliked it and remembered attending one when I was around 13-14, wondering why I had to participate in something that made me feel like I'd done something wrong.
My mother disagreed with my views, and the conversation escalated. She felt I was personally attacking her beliefs and calling her conservative. But what happened afterward was what really hurt me.
She started telling me that if I behaved this way with my future in-laws, they might beat me and kick me out. She has made similar comments before, essentially warning me that people won't tolerate my behaviour the way my family does. I told her I'm not planning on getting married, but then I asked her something: if I did get married and my husband beat me, would she support me?
She said no. She said I'd deserve it.
I asked her repeatedly whether she actually meant that or was just saying it out of anger. She repeatedly said that she meant it, that I would deserve it if I kept picking fights and failed to get along with people.
She explained that if a woman argues back when a man scolds her, the situation could escalate, and that this could be avoided if she simply got along with him. She even brought up my father, saying that if he scolded her and she started arguing back, she couldn't entirely blame him if he hit her. My father isn't like that at all btw, but she also mentioned some male relatives and their hypothetical future wives, suggesting that disagreements could lead to those men hitting their wives, too.
I tried explaining that disagreeing with someone doesn't justify violence. What if I were doing nothing wrong except expressing an opinion or refusing to be treated like a maid? Would I deserve to be beaten then, too?
Her response was essentially that I should learn to get along with people, be positive, and be strong enough to handle things myself. She kept saying that I could avoid these situations if I stopped picking fights. When I asked what she would do if I came back to her after being abused, she said she couldn't do anything and that I'd have to deal with it myself.
The domestic violence part of this argument was particularly frustrating. My mother insisted that domestic violence happens in villages rather than modern families. She asked how I would even know about it, since I spend so much time on my phone reading things like this, and implied that I was living in my head and creating problems that hadn't happened.
I tried explaining that domestic violence happens everywhere, including in Western countries like the US, which people here often regard as more modern and progressive. It's not exclusive to villages or traditional households. Traditional gender roles and patriarchal attitudes can contribute to abuse, but being from a modern, educated family doesn't automatically make someone incapable of it.
Someone can come from a traditional family and still be a genuinely good person who respects their partner and would never hit them. Someone else can come from a supposedly modern family and still be abusive. Being traditional doesn't automatically make someone abusive, just as being modern doesn't automatically make someone respectful. Ultimately, a person's background doesn't guarantee how they'll treat their partner.
My point was that you cannot guarantee your safety by simply being agreeable and avoiding disagreements. You could do everything right and still end up with someone abusive. And even if you do end up with a good person, that doesn't mean you should have to suppress every opinion or disagreement just to keep the peace. My mother, however, kept insisting that these situations could be avoided if I learned to get along with people instead of picking fights. She said she gets along with everyone and is happy because she doesn't behave the way I do.
I couldn't understand how she could acknowledge that men might hit their wives while simultaneously placing so much responsibility on the women to prevent it. Why is the solution always for women to be more agreeable, more accommodating, more positive, and more willing to tolerate things? Why isn't the responsibility placed on the person who chooses to use violence?
I wasn't saying that I planned to argue with everyone I met or that I wanted to create conflict in a future marriage. I was questioning why expressing an opinion or disagreeing with someone was being treated as a potential justification for violence.
What made everything worse was how she treated me when I became upset.
She repeatedly called me crazy, mentally ill, a psycho, and mentally messed up. She said my mind was in a dark place and suggested I was bringing this up because I was mentally unwell. She said I needed mental help and that there was something wrong with me for bringing this up and continuing to argue about it. She repeatedly brought up the fact that I was on my period, suggesting I was picking fights because I was menstruating. At one point, she even said I was dangerous and might physically hurt her or someone else someday. I don't think she genuinely believed I was going to harm anyone like that, but hearing my own mother say those things about me was still upsetting. Being called these things isn't new to me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt obv.
When I started crying after hearing my own mother tell me all that, she asked why I was crying and why I was seeking sympathy. She told me I needed to be strong instead of sitting there crying.
It's absurd to me because she could say all these deeply hurtful things to me, question my sanity, and suggest that I deserved to be abused. But if I cried because of what she said, I was weak and seeking sympathy?
I don't understand why my feelings are treated as a problem when I'm hurt by something she says, while her own feelings are treated as completely legitimate when she feels hurt by something I say.
I understand that she felt personally attacked during the original discussion. I understand that she was angry. But I DONT understand why her being hurt justifies everything she said afterward, while my being hurt is apparently evidence that something is wrong with me.
The reason this has affected me so much is that I've always believed my mother would have my back.
She has been a present mother. She isn't someone who has been entirely absent or uncaring throughout my life. She's educated, grew up in a relatively progressive household, and had a working mother at a time when that was less common. I've always thought of her as a strong woman.
I know that none of those things automatically makes someone free of patriarchal beliefs. I'm not saying that she's been a bad mother or that everything she's ever done for me means nothing now.
But I genuinely thought that if something terrible happened to me, especially something like domestic violence, she'd support me, no questions asked. I thought that even if I made mistakes, even if I was difficult to get along with, even if I disagreed with people, she'd still care about my safety.
That belief has now been shaken.
I keep thinking that maybe she was just angry. Maybe she doubled down because admitting she was wrong would have felt like losing the argument. Maybe she was trying to warn me about the reality of the world in her own misguided way.
But I also keep coming back to the fact that I asked her multiple times whether she meant what she was saying, and she repeatedly said yes. She repeatedly told me that I would deserve it and that she wouldn't support me.
I don't want to invent a more comforting interpretation of her words just because accepting them hurts. Maybe she would act differently if something actually happened to me. I genuinely hope I'll never have to find out. But how am I supposed to know that she'll support me when she explicitly told me the opposite?
People often say that they're your parents and that you shouldn't take everything they say to heart. But how am I not supposed to take this to heart? How am I supposed to hear my own mother tell me that I deserve to be beaten and then simply move on because she's my mother?
I know this was a hypothetical situation. I know I haven't actually been abused by a husband or in-laws. But the question wasn't really about predicting my future. It was about whether my mother believes I deserve support if someone hurts me.
I don't expect her to solve every problem in my life. I wasn't asking her to handle a divorce, a legal case, or every practical consequence of a hypothetical abusive marriage. I was asking whether she would support me if someone hurt me, and she said no.
I regret bringing up the topic sometimes, because before this argument, I was confident that if nobody else had my back, my mother would, my parents would. I could have continued believing that without ever having to confront the possibility that she might not.
I don't know what to think anymore. I can acknowledge that my mother has been a good parent in many ways while also being deeply disturbed by what she said. I can understand that she might have been angry without pretending that her words didn't mean anything.
TLDR, I argued with my mother about a traditional religious practice, and the conversation escalated to her telling me I'd deserve to be beaten by a future husband and that she wouldn't support me if it happened. I asked her repeatedly if she meant it, and she said yes. She's generally been a good, present mother, so hearing this from her has really shaken my trust in her. I'm struggling to process it and wondering if I'm overreacting.
Am I overreacting to this? I feel like I'm actually going crazy, maybe mom was correct.
