My wife and I are doing rIVF, my eggs, she's carrying. We had a failed transfer and then a success 3 years ago, and now we have our 2 year old. We kind of took for granted that we had 5 euploid female embryos and pictured a girl family. We had 3 left for a second daughter.

This time around has been rougher. Went into our first transfer for this round (3rd overall), and we learned that one embryo didn't survive. We got conflicting notes, so we're not sure if it didn't survive the thaw or if it was never properly frozen in the first place. Transferred the second one they thawed and it didn't take. We had another transfer and did a home test this morning, which I initially thought was stark white. My wife looked closer and saw the faintest, squintiest line. HCG came back at 21.6 at 10dp5dt. We're not 100% out, but it's not looking good, folks. We'll go back Monday for a repeat, so we're in limbo this weekend.

We've been talking about the potential of a boy child since our last transfer, and I'm coming around to it. I'm embarrassed to admit that I had (have?) such a preference, but I just really pictured a girl family. I wouldn't want any child of mine to feel like a consolation prize, or like we weren't anything less than thrilled about everything about them. It really shouldn't matter, and yet it kinda does. We sort of brushed it off before, saying yeah, we'd love any kid regardless of sex, but y'know, there are 2 actual differences: potty training and puberty, and let's go with the one we can relate to better on those things. But it is more complex than that, and I hate to admit it.

So, anyone else in limbo this weekend and want to commiserate? Anyone want to gush about how cool it is to raise a son as a 2 mom family (especially if you did know the sex of your embryos ahead of time)? Anyone want to reassure me that their boy doesn't feel weird and out of place in an otherwise all-girl family with few close male relatives (heck, even our cat is a girl)?

Looking for opinions and would love to know what other reciprocal IVF families have done to protect the rights of the non-biological birth parent!

My wife and I recently welcomed our daughter via reciprocal IVF. My wife is the biological mother and I am the birth mother. We live in a pretty LGBTQ+ friendly state, however we talked to two lawyers and both recommended some type of legal action be taken to 1. Have my wife adopt our daughter, and 2. assure I, the non-biologically related birth mother, have my parental rights confirmed in some way. This honestly made sense to us - my wife does not automatically have parental rights to her, and the only thing ‘proving’ my parental rights to my child is the default that the person who gives birth to a baby is the legal parent. However, given the current state of things politically, and in the event of death or divorce, we wanted to safeguard my parental rights. 

We successfully completed our second parent adoption and my wife adopted our daughter. However, the state denied the language that our lawyer requested be included in our adoption decree, which stated that my parental rights to our daughter are not contingent on the fact that I gave birth to her or am married to my wife. 

I feel like this is the end of the road and we just need to hope there is never an issue or question to my parentage. (The only other option we can think of is me adopting her, but we don't see that being successful based on previous conversations with the court.) Are birth mothers in other reciprocal IVF families just accepting the assumption of parentage through birth? Have any non-bio birth parents been able to successfully take any legal steps to safeguard their rights as a parent as well? 

My wife and I have begun exploring fertility treatment and what my health insurance would cover. My employer has a ‘lifetime maximum’ points-based system where my health insurance deductible and out of pocket maximums apply. Each employee gets 12 ‘fertility points’ that can be spent in a variety of ways on fertility treatments. An IUI procedure is one point, and an IVF procedure is 4 points. (Includes meds, retrieval, genetic testing, transfer of one embryo, and up to a year of freezing embryos). Even if an additional retrieval is not needed, each IVF embryo transfer after the initial retrieval is still considered 4 points. Sperm has to be purchased out of pocket separately for both IUI and IVF. We would use frozen donor sperm.

We have been trying to decide which option makes the most sense for spending our ‘fertility points’ and have narrowed it down to two paths.

1. Using 4 points for 4 rounds of IUI, and saving the remaining 8 points for 2 rounds of IVF just in case IUI was not successful for us

2. Using all 12 points towards IVF, that way we have 3 rounds

There is not the option to start with IUI, use benefits for the first 4, and then pay additional rounds out of pocket before switching to IVF!

We have a couple friends that grew their families through IUI, and all of them had more than 4 treatments before having a successful pregnancy. Similarly, we have a close friend that did not have a successful IVF until her third embryo transfer.

In a perfect world where starting with IUI did not impact our eligibility to later do IVF, I think we would start with the less invasive option! But because completing 4 IUI takes away a round of IVF our health insurance would cover, we want to be super intentional in making that choice.

We are curious how many rounds of IUI others have had before becoming pregnant?

Similarly, how many rounds of IVF?

If starting with IUI and then switching to IVF, how long of a break did you take in between?

Those that started with IUI and switched to IVF, did you wish you had started with IVF to begin with?

I am 26, and am medically cleared to complete IUI or IVF. I am plus-sized, but aside from that no other detractors for my fertility. Currently, we plan to only have one child. Our doctor does not have any strong recommendations and is supportive of whichever path we choose.

My wife and I would appreciate insight from y’all - any and all input is appreciated :)

Hey there!
Me (32F-will be the carrier) and my husband (33TM) started the testing on me and the subsequent additional testing including a polyp removal procedure since February this year. It started a bit rough when I found out that I have a pretty low egg reserve and wasn't sure that the life long dream of being pregnant and having a family in that way would happen. However, as we continued through the testing, the rest of the results were good to go! I started the 10 day Provera early this month since my period/cycle was wonky. Then my period started last weekend and it was “go time”. Got my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound then the go ahead to start Clomid. I’m on day 3/5 for Clomid and am scheduled for ultrasound and bloodwork this coming Wednesday to determine the timing or the trigger shot and schedule the IUI.
I’ve had so many thoughts and feelings through this entire process up to this point and there’s been a lot of investment (money and otherwise) into this process that I think I logically knew to a point but simultaneously was more than I expected. We currently have 2 vials and ultimately have these 2 rounds to try before we have to pause to save for more vials if these rounds don’t work. On some level I’m scared because of timing and balancing that with affording more rounds quickly so my egg reserve doesn’t diminish more. I know it’s not a guarantee that it will work and I’ve been doing what I can to give me and future baby the best odds (losing weight, balanced diet, exercise, therapy, etc.), but that also makes me feel very vulnerable to the unknowns. I get that’s life. I think I’m also struggling with the idea that us growing our family in this specific way is up to my body to work effectively. My husband will be a great dad and I know that’s something we both want. I just feel pressure (my doing/stress on myself and yes I do talk to a therapist about my feelings) that the success of this happening is based on my body “producing”. It’s gotten easier to release that pressure after completely ugly crying at my doctor’s appointment last month, so I’m glad that was able to happen before this round started. I’ve been trying to do as many productive things during this time to really celebrate the process and effort that we’re putting in to make this happen. I’ve gotten baby books, made IUI socks for insemination day, taken pictures and recorded videos throughout this process speaking to our future baby, wearing a lucky bracelet from a couple who has gone through a similar fertility journey growing their family, and trying to meditate and be intentional.
I guess I’m just looking for somewhere to connect as most of our friends or people we are around are either in cis relationships that didn’t need any fertility treatment, are single queers, or partnered queers that don’t want or necessarily like kids. So this process has felt pretty lonely. We haven’t told our families and we have a total of 5 people who know we’re even going through this process. I’m pretty educated and aware of the healthcare and medical worlds, but I feel like this season I don’t know as much as I wish I did. Maybe knowing more about what’s going on makes me feel, sometimes, like I have a little control over what feels like something so out of my control? Who knows.
I’m not sure I have a question yet, but I’m sure I will as this progresses. I’m trying to just put as much good energy into the universe and allow myself to be hopeful for the possibility of success during these tries. I guess the only question I could ask at this point is: When you think about your first time (or if you’re in your first time) what has helped you process all of this or what has helped you through this journey?

Sending good vibes to everyone else who is trying too!