Hi everyone! ❤️
My partner and I are hoping to start our family next year, and we’re trying to understand the process and what we should be preparing for in advance.
Our plan is to do reciprocal IVF, using my eggs and donor sperm, with my partner carrying our first baby. I’ll be 35 and she’ll be 34 next year. We’re also hoping to use the same sperm donor for future 2nd child. As this will be our first experience with IVF, we’d love to hear from people.

A few things we’d really appreciate advice on:
Which part of the process tends to take the longest? For example, finding a sperm donor, clinic waiting lists, fertility assessments, counselling or the IVF process itself?

Is there anything we should start looking into or arranging now, rather than waiting until next year?

If we’re hoping for my partner to become pregnant sometime in 2027(potentially mid year), when would you recommend starting consultations and the initial tests?

Has anyone tried reciprocal ivf? Approximately how much money should we prepare for? Is it more expensive than the usual ivf?

Most importantly, is there anything you wish you’d known or done earlier in your journey?

We know that IVF doesn’t always work on the first attempt and we understand that there are no guarantees when it comes to timing. We’d just love to be as organised and prepared as possible to give ourselves the best chance of achieving our goal.
We’d be so grateful for any advice, experiences or things you think we should be aware of. You don’t need to answer all, any response would greatly be appreciated. Thank you so much! ❤️

Does anyone have experience going through the IVF process in CA with an insurance plan that is held to the new SB729? I’m trying to understand if Anthem will reimburse for the eye popping $20k cost for the 8 vials our clinic is recommending (my wife and I are both making embryos). They keep saying “procurement of donor semen is covered” but can’t give me more detail than that ie does that cover a cryobank.

My last two iui attempts have all been medicated cycles and 24hours after trigger. My 4 previous were in the same time frame but not all medicated cycles. I’m wondering if I should fight for 36 hours after trigger and an additional ultra sound to confirm ovulation the day of the iui. We usually do an us only the day before and I’m told to trigger. I can’t think of anything different I can do at this point trying for iui #7. I’m burnt out.

Hey all, my wife and I are about to start the process of reciprocal IVF, and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by the price tags on everything. I know that IVF is expensive, but can y'all tell me if these costs we're looking at are relatively normal?

It sounds like the egg retrieval will bill insurance about $16,000 NOT including medication, plus another $3,000 for biopsies for PGT-A testing. Then we need to pay an additional $1-3k for the actual PGT-A testing out of pocket. The medication will likely cost around $10,000 if billed through insurance, which we're gonna have to do because we don't have the money to pay it out of pocket, even if it would be a bit less expensive. Basically that comes to my wife's entire $30,000 lifetime fertility benefit for one egg retrieval, so if we don't get any good embryos we're SOL.

The cost of the embryo transfer to me is about $6,500 billed to insurance. That doesn't seem weird to me, but the egg retrieval cost is what's really giving me pause. What do we do if the retrieval doesn't work? Do we give up? Try more rounds of IUI instead? It's all so overwhelming!

My wife and I are located in the Seattle area and are currently researching sperm banks as we prepare to start our fertility journey.
Seattle Sperm Bank (SSB) would be our most affordable and convenient option, especially since we could avoid shipping costs by picking up locally. However, something about SSB just isn’t sitting right with me, and I’m trying to figure out whether my concerns are justified or if I’m completely overthinking this process.
I’ve narrowed my research down to four banks and have reached out to each of them with questions:
Seattle Sperm Bank
Fairfax Cryobank
One of my biggest concerns is donor family limits and how they’re actually enforced. I’m particularly interested in how banks track births, prevent donors from donating at multiple banks, and account for donor-conceived children internationally.
From my research, Fairfax seems to have some additional safeguards, including screening for donations at other sperm banks and an international family limit. Those are things I really value.
I’m also concerned about SSB’s plans to discontinue SSB Connects in January 2027. Having access to donor sibling connections and resources for donor-conceived families is important to us, so I’m curious what that change means for families moving forward.
I recognize that no sperm bank can guarantee perfect reporting or prevent every possible issue. But I want to feel confident that we’re choosing a bank that prioritizes the long-term well-being of donor-conceived people, not just the immediate process of getting pregnant.
I’d really love to hear from others:
Have you used any of these four banks? What was your experience?
If you used Seattle Sperm Bank, were you happy with your decision? Any concerns or regrets?
Did anyone choose a more expensive bank because of its policies or transparency?
Are there things you wish you’d known before choosing a donor or sperm bank?
I know I can research myself into a hole, but this feels like a decision with lifelong implications for our future child, and I want to be thoughtful about it.
I think what I’m struggling with most is balancing my values and instincts with our finite financial resources. The costs of donor sperm and fertility treatments add up so quickly, and choosing a more expensive bank could mean fewer attempts or less money available for other parts of this journey. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore concerns that could have lifelong implications for our child just because one option is more affordable.
I also know that a higher price tag doesn’t automatically mean better or more ethical practices. I guess I’m just trying to figure out where to draw that line.
Has anyone else struggled with this? How did you balance your financial reality with wanting to make the most ethical choice possible?

Okay so we found the perfect donor and even though we aren’t going to try to conceive until 2028 we went ahead and purchased 8 vials. Has anyone here went ahead and purchased that early? I doubt we would have found anyone that we like this much and there’s no telling how long the vials will stay available. We’re so excited!

So, partner (30F) and I (32F) have plans to have a kid by 2030. When exactly depends on a bunch of external factors that aren't really important to this convo.

She'd be the one carrying.

Let me add some additional information here.

She always wanted kids. Meanwhile I went from staunchly child-free, to "Let's discuss this when I am 35", to fence-sitter, to "I can do this if it's with you".

I had some big stuff to unpack but we got there in the end. (And I'm pretty sure I'd have remained child-free had I been with anyone else BUT her).

All of this happened without any pressure from my partner. If anything, she was ready to give up motherhood for me.

Anyway. Before we embark on this journey, we are considering going to couples counselling. Not because there's anything wrong with the relationship, but just to be on the safer side and manage expectations and so on.

Has anyone here done the same? Or are we overthinking this?

EDIT: it's very refreshing to see other people did this

I was so worried how my egg retrieval was going to go because where I live in Europe you only get morphine/fentanyl via IV and some oxazepame (lorazepame) to relax but it was honestly a great experience. I read so many horror stories online and I was dreading the procedure, but on a scale from 1 to 10 I would rate the pain 3/4. The most painful part was actually needle insertion for IV and inserting catheter in the beginning. Other than that I felt almost nothing and was watching the whole procedure on the screen with my partner next to me. Reddit is usually full of horror stories so I told my doc today that I would post a pleasant experience for once. Of course, now another stressful period begins waiting for the outcome, but today at least feels like a small victory.

In a hypothetical scenario: My husband and I are planning on having a kid. I am a twin to a female who has agreed to gift us her eggs to have a baby and use my husband’s sperm.

We do the IVF process in Mexico since it’s a lot cheaper than in the U.S. (Texas).

Once she gets pregnant and everything is good with the baby, she goes to the doctor in the U.S. and “finds out she is pregnant”.

She goes through the pregnancy process here in the United States, as a normal pregnancy, (check ups, procedures, birth/hospital bill) and uses the Medicaid provided all the way until she gives birth. My husband is put down as the baby’s father once he is born.

After the baby is born, my sister says that she is wanting to give up her parental rights, and wants my husband to have sole custody of the baby.

Could there be any legal repercussions after?

The main thing on this HYPOTHETICAL scenario is to not pay out of pocket for all the medical expenses.

Started a tracker for our IUI because that's how my brain works. Logging cycle days, medication times, test results, symptoms, all of it. My partner thinks I'm a little obsessed but it helps me feel less helpless during the two week wait. Having actual numbers in front of me beats scrolling through Google for hours. Wondering if anyone else does this. What do you track and have you spotted any patterns that mattered? I keep wondering if I'm missing something important or just making extra work for myself. The clinic gives us the basics but doesn't show trends the way I want to see them. Have you shown your own tracking to your doctor and did they find it helpful or just extra? Part of me wants to bring my spreadsheet to the RE but I don't want to look like I'm trying to take over. Mostly just trying to do something useful with all this waiting.

My wife is American and I’m Canadian, and we’re hoping to start trying for a baby in fall 2027! I’ll be carrying, and we’re trying to get a sense of what we should be sorting out now.

We currently plan to raise our family in the U.S., but I’m considering giving birth in Canada. There’s provincial funding for fertility treatment where I’m from, although I still need to confirm what I’d qualify for and what’s covered. Midwives are also provincially funded, and I’d really love a home water birth if everything goes well and it’s medically appropriate.

The potential cost of treatment and giving birth in the U.S. feels overwhelming. We want to grow our family without starting that chapter buried in medical debt.

A friend suggested speaking to a lawyer before we start, especially to make sure my wife’s parental rights are fully protected. My understanding is that she could be on the Canadian birth certificate, but we may still need a second-parent adoption or a parentage order. I’m trying to understand how that would work if our baby is born in Canada and we’re living in the U.S.

Has anyone here been through something similar? Where did you decide to have your baby, and what went into that decision? How did you handle legal parenthood for the parent who wasn’t carrying?

I’d also love recommendations for LGBTQ+ family lawyers familiar with Ontario and Illinois, or families navigating both countries. How early did you reach out, and is there anything you wish you’d sorted out sooner?

We’re excited, but there’s a lot to think about! I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve been there.

EDIT:
This is one of the few times I’ve ever posted on Reddit and I’m thankful I did. Reading through your comments was helpful for me to process and I really appreciate the honesty and compassion.

I went back to my wife and proposed that we both get fertility testing done ASAP (this already was our plan). Additionally, I proposed that we keep the original plan of me doing our insurance-required four rounds of IUI, and if that is unsuccessful, have her immediately start IUI and me switch to IVF (which is only covered by our insurance after four failed IUIs). I also stated that if fertility testing revealed information that would seriously impact our timeline, I would be open to adjusting the plan as necessary. She was very on board with this plan and I feel good about it too.

Thank you for your help, redditors!

Background:
My wife and I have been together for 3.5 years and married for 2.5 years. I have ALWAYS wanted to carry and deliver a baby and I have always desired to use my eggs for that process. I came into our relationship and was very forthcoming about this desire and that it was a non-negotiable. I originally wanted to have only one child and my preference was to gender select for a girl.
My wife, on the other hand, was initially indifferent about whether she wanted children or not. She said that if her partner really wanted them, that would be okay, but if she had ended up with someone who didn’t want children she would have been okay with that too.
When we decided we did want to get married and have children together, my wife expressed her preference that we have two children (I’m an only child, she has a brother) and not do gender selection. I compromised on both of these points and we decided to have two children and no gender selection.

Current situation:
We have now begun the process of planning to grow our family. We decided over a year ago that what made sense for us was that I would conceive via IUI using my eggs first, and then we would do RIVF with her eggs at a later date. My wife repeatedly has said throughout our relationship that she DID NOT want to be pregnant and carry a baby.
After beginning the research process, we are finally understanding the cost comparison between IUI and IVF. Because of that, my wife is now saying she would be willing to do IUI instead and carry a baby. I said that’s great!!

Why I might be an AH:
My wife is two years older than me (I’m 32, she’s 34). I was planning to start TTC next year. My wife is now saying that maybe she should be pregnant first since she’s older. She put this forth as an option mere MINUTES after the first time she ever said she’d even be willing to carry. The reality is I’ve been ready to be pregnant and have a baby for YEARS. I don’t want to wait anymore. I feel like since this has been one of my deepest held desires (that I communicated to her early and often AND that we’re been actively planning for together) that we should prioritize my opportunity to get pregnant. It feels like being pregnant is a biological imperative to me, and a financial decision to her. Is that selfish? Is it unfair? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

My wife and I used Seed Scout to connect with a known sperm donor. They provided access to our donor, but our experience with the ongoing concierge support has been deeply disappointing.

We expected proactive coordination and meaningful help when problems arose. Instead, we repeatedly found ourselves pursuing updates, identifying unanswered questions, connecting providers, and helping resolve documentation and shipment issues. We became full-time project managers when we thought that's what we were paying a premium fee for.

I understand that Seed Scout cannot control every outside provider. My concern is how they respond when those providers are not communicating effectively or the process is stalled. That is exactly when concierge support should matter most.

Based on our experience, the main value was access to the donor. The ongoing coordination did not match what we understood we were purchasing.

Background: I have lived in Finland for seven years and am a Finnish citizen. I am black, and my partner is white (native Finnish). We are two women, and my partner will be carrying. She is two years older and has the desire to carry, while I am indifferent.

My partner and I waited 14 months in the public healthcare fertility treatment queue in Helsinki, only to find out that there aren’t any options for people with dark skin. We were told that many people have been in our situation, but they haven’t been able to offer suitable matches because they specifically do not have any donations from people with black skin. All we can do is raise awareness and wait. We made flyers and have shared on social media, physically, and with friends and family. The process is anonymous, so we’re not asking specific people ourselves, just trying to spread the word generally.

We could find more diverse donors in private healthcare, but the cost difference is like night and day.

So what would you do? Keep waiting for an unknown amount of time, or go ahead and have a baby lacking traits from the other parent? We know that love makes a family, not looking alike. However, it would be great if I could be seen on the outside as parent and not “just” a caretaker. I would especially be interested in hearing from people with similar situations. Thanks in advance!

My wife is pregnant and I’m the non-gestational parent (cis woman), and I just started the Newman-Goldfarb protocol yesterday to induce lactation. I had horrible side effects all day long, including nausea, heartburn, and stomach issues. Should I be eating more before taking the domperidone? It felt so bad I am considering quitting altogether. I can’t do this for 9+ months. Did anyone induce lactation, and not have side effects? Or Does it go away after a few weeks?? Help!! 😭😭😭😭

Hey everyone, I’m wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation. My wife is Desi and I am white so it’s been a challenge to find a suitable donor. I definitely want to carry a pregnancy but my wife isn’t sure if they want to, so we’ve been looking for a Desi donor that would work for us. As you may imagine options were limited but we finally found a donor that seemed perfect. However he didn’t get tested for a carrier mutation that my wife has (for albinism) and our clinic is insisting on him getting tested or my wife won’t be allowed to use him (we would be fine with rolling the dice but our clinic’s policies are apparently very strict, and we can’t switch to another clinic for insurance reasons). We requested testing from the sperm bank but now we’re not sure if my wife can use this donor at all.

My wife proposed that they could use a different donor and find a white donor that resembled me and I could still use this Desi donor. I wanted to use the same donor for all our kids because I’m worried that our kids might want that feeing of genetic relatedness with their siblings, and then at least they would still share half their DNA with each other. Meanwhile my wife is worried that if we both use the Desi donor then our kids might feel weird about being mixed vs being “fully” Desi.

Basically I’m wondering, have any couples here (especially mixed race but any is fine!) used two different donors for their kids? And if so, how did you and your kids feel about that? (We have also discussed reciprocal IVF but I am wondering specifically about the two donor situation)

Im so torn between trying IUI again or IVF. I have hit my deductible for the year and my wife and I are interested in at the bare minimum going thru egg retrieval this year if insurance takes a decent chunk off of it. I have UHC thru Caterpillar so i’m 50/50 on if we will have decent coverage or not. I did IUI this summer and only one course, then the sonographer went on medical leave. I have no prior conditions and i’m 25, so my reserve is really good at this point. I’ve seen so much about if you have to go thru multiple IUI adding up to being just as much money spent as IVF. Just a bit lost. Looking for other stories please!!!

I’m having second thoughts about IVF and my marriage, and I don’t know what to do.
My wife is 36, and I’m 33. We’ve been married for seven years and together, on and off, since 2013. I’ve already paid half the egg-retrieval costs, the sperm is at the clinic, and she has started medication. We planned to move forward with reciprocal IVF, with her providing the eggs and me carrying the baby.

I’ve wanted another child for years. I have a 10-year-old son from a previous relationship, and I was once devastated by the thought of never experiencing pregnancy again. I seriously couldn’t even talk about babies because it killed me inside. But now that IVF is becoming real, I really feel like I don’t want it anymore.

I’m not sure whether this is fear, resentment, or clarity. My wife has big dreams, but she usually doesn’t follow through. She has worked the same job for five years and travels at least eight days a month. I’ve repeatedly asked her to find something that would allow her to be home more, but nothing has changed. She will make excuse after excuse. Part of me feels like if she didn’t have the job where she was gone all the time we could’ve achieved this a long time ago. *I feel like I’ve accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to have another and lost the desire to.

I already handle most of the parenting with my son, and I don’t want to raise another child feeling alone. I want a partner who is present, dependable, and committed to building the same kind of life I want.

I don’t know whether this is just panic or an honest realization that our lives and goals no longer align. I feel torn between the dream I’ve always wanted and the reality of the life we’re living. I don’t know whether to fight for my marriage, pause IVF, or move on. I just know I don’t want to make a decision I’ll regret.

Has anyone ever had cold feet before doing reciprocal IVF?

For those of you who used a donor who reached his max with the sperm bank and are in touch with the donor sibling families, how many families do you have in your pod (donor group)? Please include what the sperm bank’s family limit was:) Just trying to get a feel of what percentage of families join the donor pods. If your donor didn’t reach the max, or you’re not sure if he did, I would still be interested in hearing how many families you are in touch with!

My wife and I have started our IUI journey. I go for my genetic labs today! We originally wanted to do R/IVF but the cost was so much more than we expected. I feel bad because I don’t want my wife to feel less connected or anything to the baby/child because biologically the baby will have my genes and I will also be the one carrying. We thought about her carrying but ultimately she not interested in that which is totally fine! Has anyone experienced this? Any advice you would give? TIA ❤️

Hello,

My wife and I may want to try at-home insemination but are having an incredibly hard time finding anyone who will sign off on receiving sperm from our bank so that we can do so. Does anyone have experience with this? Any recommendations? Thanks!

I have had 2 unsuccessful IUIs (I know this is normal) with a donor from Fairfax cryobank. It was a newer donor when we started so having no reported pregnancies didn't bother me since we really liked everything about the donor. But I keep checking back and it still says no reported pregnancies. At what point is that a red flag that we should either switch donors or switch to IVF? The metrics on the sperm are good but I know there are other factors that they do not test for. Am I overthinking this?

Hey everyone! Just looking for some advice/support. My wife and I are days away from having to purchase our donor sperm, we have been looking for months on four different bank web sites, we narrowed it down to 2 that we really like, but we realized that one of them is a carrier for something that I wasn’t tested for, so we are going to go with the other one.

The remaining donor doesn’t have adult photos available, but we love his interview and we’re really focused on picking a donor that seems like a genuinely good person. Of course I would have loved to see his adult photos, and the other donor we liked did have them available.

I mentioned that the donor were leaning towards doesn’t have adult photos to my coworker who also went through this process last year, she said “oh we would only pick from ones that had adult photos that was a deal breaker for us if they didn’t have them.”

Now I’m having second thoughts. Is this important to most people? He is ID disclosure so eventually we will find out who he is most likely. Just wondering other people’s opinions on this. We have childhood images up til around 12 years old.

Just kinda a vent post but I am Canadian and live in Paris with my wife who is French. We are 33 and 32 and as far as we know, no fertility issues besides no access to sperm. On the one side of things, I am incredibly grateful that the fertility process here is paid for by healthcare and at the end of the day we will not have to deplete our savings to have children. But on the other hand, the more I learn about how it works here, the more pissed I get.

First is that we have zero say on who the donor is, we can't have a friend or acquaintance help us out because there is no legal way to ensure we are both protected. Okay fine, so the medical system it is. But then we also get zero choice on the donor, we either can request they look like my partner or a "random" donor, yay. Then we find out there is zero guarantee that the same donor would ever be reserved for siblings, meaning if we have 3 kids, they'll all have different donors and I know socially and legally they'll be 100% ours, but biologically having full siblings kinda matters to me? (or at least, it did, I know it's not a hill to die on). FINALLY, there is at least a two year wait to even get a first appointment with the sperm bank people, which THEN begins their "matching" process, required appointments with a psychologist (???) and a notary to apparently give my wife legal rights to the future kids. So at least another 6 months to begin IUI. So all in all, we are maybe looking at 2029 to even begin trying. I always dreaded having to do IVF, but it feels like just from the inefficiency of the system, I'll be pushed into it due to my age.

We want multiple children so I asked about freezing my eggs while I am young. Apparently that's at least a two year wait as well. We are not rich (I'm a tutor, she's a public servant) but I can really see why people would just go to another country to pay into a private system. I'd be happy to wait a year, but multiple years just seems so hard. I really want to support public healthcare, but when something is on such a tenuous biological timeline as having children, something just feels like it is not working. And we haven't even started yet.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this all down in a neutral space, I know many have it harder than us and we are relatively young, and for my wife, she is happy to wait. I just feel like I've been ready all my life for this (or at least the last 5ish years haha) and I am scared having children will always be just out of reach for some reason. Any words of wisdom or encouragement would be appreciated!

So this is more of a general question I guess. I’m 29 and my relationship history is quite frankly terrible. I’m a lesbian and I have had no luck in love. Ideally I want a romantic relationship and a loving partner, but as time goes on, I’m starting to worry that’s not a guarantee. I have been thinking more and more the older I get about motherhood. There’s plenty of times where I think if I never meet the right person, or if I did meet the right person and we decided we’re happy as we are, that I could be happy without children. However, there are also many times where I find myself longing for a family and worrying that I will regret not having a family one day and children of my own. I also find myself being curious about the process of being pregnant. Sometimes I see pregnant women and think, “wow that seems so cool,” and wonder what that experience would be like. I’d be lying if I said I never have imagined what it could be like to be able to hear the heartbeat for the first time on an ultrasound and see my baby and know I was carrying my child. I also think I’d really enjoy being a mom. I would want to be a loving parent that gives my kid a wonderful life. So I have considered the idea of doing it alone without a partner if I never meet the one for me. I’d love for my kid to have another mom, but I also worry that I may never be a mom ever if I wait for the right woman for a really long time. I’m so conflicted and don’t know what to do. 😔