Reposted in this thread because posting it in a non queer group was a clear mistake 🫩

Hello, I’m 23 female and my boyfriend is 22FTM (stopped T about a year ago just because of money and possible egg retrieval). We have been together for 5 years, live together, and are planning our engagement/ picking out rings (some people got mad we aren’t married) We have recently been talking a lot about our future and children. In a “perfect” world we would have the money for IVF and all that fancy technology stuff. Realistically, if we wait for the “perfect situation” it either 1) won’t happen because of finances or 2) I’ll feel it’s too late because of age. Both of our mothers want grandchildren and honestly, I want them to get that experience and share it. We aren’t having kids BECAUSE of them and they are NOT pressuring or making comments, but it is a factor in experiences we both want in life, and want to give to them. So my questions are about our options.

1. we take his egg and use a sperm donor and I carry the child. But would it really be mine? Would it have ANY of my DNA/ genetics/ etc? Just because the fetus is being created with my blood and other physical aspects?

2. I just carry it and use a donor with the downside that it’s not biologically his and has none of his DNA/genetics :(

3. I heard a little bit about IUI but don’t know much about it. Please enlighten me!

4. I’m terrified of pregnancy and using a surrogate could be an option (unfortunately it is incredibly expensive) but once again it is the struggle of whose egg do we use? A part of me does want to experience carrying my child but it is very scary.

5. It’s a lot and I don’t know much about any of this and I want us to make the right decision in the future that we will be happy with. We want our child to have things from both of us. I know it will be OUR child because blood doesn’t=family but it is a factor. We both want to pass biological things down to our children.

Notes to add: Every option can be/is expensive. I’m aware. I KNOW we are not ready yet. That’s why going to a doctor or OBGYN isn’t a thought right now because this isn’t something we are going to work on any time soon. We just want ideas from people who HAVE gone through this and have experienced it. With this, when we are ready and have a decision(s) we will know what to ask and plan for. Sorry it is a long post, I may have repeated myself quite a bit. Thank you for any suggestions and comments!

My husband and I have been looking for a sperm donor for almost a year now with no luck and I’m losing hope. We started the search for a donor early because we wanted to have that locked down asap. Our plan was to do at home insemination starting in January 2027, but it’s the end of October and we still haven’t found a donor. We were hoping to find a known donor near us but it’s starting to look like we may have to use a bank. I’m hesitant to use a bank because we live in Texas and I’m fearful that even if we go to the bigger cities, we may still face challenges since we’re a queer couple. I’m also afraid that we’ll pick a “bad” bank and won’t get the sperm we think we’re getting. It feels incredibly unfair that we have to work so hard for a baby that we’ve wanted for a decade now. I know life isn’t fair but I wish it was just a tiny bit easier. I keep finding myself wishing there was an underground donor system for queer people, something that doesn’t cost thousands of dollars. Just queer people wanting to help other queer people build the family they’ve been dreaming of.

If you’ve had to use a bank because you couldn’t find a known donor, what was your experience like? Any red or green flags to look out for? Any positive stories? I just need some hope that it’s still possible, even if it won’t be the way we’ve hoped for.

Hey there!
Me (32F-will be the carrier) and my husband (33TM) started the testing on me and the subsequent additional testing including a polyp removal procedure since February this year. It started a bit rough when I found out that I have a pretty low egg reserve and wasn't sure that the life long dream of being pregnant and having a family in that way would happen. However, as we continued through the testing, the rest of the results were good to go! I started the 10 day Provera early this month since my period/cycle was wonky. Then my period started last weekend and it was “go time”. Got my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound then the go ahead to start Clomid. I’m on day 3/5 for Clomid and am scheduled for ultrasound and bloodwork this coming Wednesday to determine the timing or the trigger shot and schedule the IUI.
I’ve had so many thoughts and feelings through this entire process up to this point and there’s been a lot of investment (money and otherwise) into this process that I think I logically knew to a point but simultaneously was more than I expected. We currently have 2 vials and ultimately have these 2 rounds to try before we have to pause to save for more vials if these rounds don’t work. On some level I’m scared because of timing and balancing that with affording more rounds quickly so my egg reserve doesn’t diminish more. I know it’s not a guarantee that it will work and I’ve been doing what I can to give me and future baby the best odds (losing weight, balanced diet, exercise, therapy, etc.), but that also makes me feel very vulnerable to the unknowns. I get that’s life. I think I’m also struggling with the idea that us growing our family in this specific way is up to my body to work effectively. My husband will be a great dad and I know that’s something we both want. I just feel pressure (my doing/stress on myself and yes I do talk to a therapist about my feelings) that the success of this happening is based on my body “producing”. It’s gotten easier to release that pressure after completely ugly crying at my doctor’s appointment last month, so I’m glad that was able to happen before this round started. I’ve been trying to do as many productive things during this time to really celebrate the process and effort that we’re putting in to make this happen. I’ve gotten baby books, made IUI socks for insemination day, taken pictures and recorded videos throughout this process speaking to our future baby, wearing a lucky bracelet from a couple who has gone through a similar fertility journey growing their family, and trying to meditate and be intentional.
I guess I’m just looking for somewhere to connect as most of our friends or people we are around are either in cis relationships that didn’t need any fertility treatment, are single queers, or partnered queers that don’t want or necessarily like kids. So this process has felt pretty lonely. We haven’t told our families and we have a total of 5 people who know we’re even going through this process. I’m pretty educated and aware of the healthcare and medical worlds, but I feel like this season I don’t know as much as I wish I did. Maybe knowing more about what’s going on makes me feel, sometimes, like I have a little control over what feels like something so out of my control? Who knows.
I’m not sure I have a question yet, but I’m sure I will as this progresses. I’m trying to just put as much good energy into the universe and allow myself to be hopeful for the possibility of success during these tries. I guess the only question I could ask at this point is: When you think about your first time (or if you’re in your first time) what has helped you process all of this or what has helped you through this journey?

Sending good vibes to everyone else who is trying too!