I’ll keep this as readable as possible; I’m currently undiagnosed after over a decade of seeking mental health help from my GP (first appointment 2013). I’m 34F, and while I’ve consciously not self-diagnosed, potential bipolar is an option that’s been thrown out there by the mental health nurse (I’m currently in a long waiting list to see a psychiatrist.
I’ve been experiencing cyclical highs and lows since 2012, the first high was that year and the pendulum has been swinging ever since. For the first time, I felt heard by a GP two Fridays past, and he made a psychiatric referral when I called, but advised it could be up to 12 months before I speak to someone, and to see the mental health nurse in the interim. This GP is the first ever to ask me for examples of the behavioural terms I described. I find myself at times buying a new pair of shoes, and wondering what strange places they’ll see me impulsively end up in.
Being heard helped energise me to sit down and actually map out a timeline of how I felt and when, and looking at the result it isn’t hard to see why the mental health nurse asked if I suspect a potential bipolar disorder. I’d never really considered how important it was to describe what I meant by high and low, and I only ever saw the GP when I was down. At that stage I’d consciously avoided trying to self diagnose, and whilst I still am, it seems sensible to me to try to understand coping strategies that exist while I await my appointment with a psychiatrist.
When I’m in an ‘up’ I’m extremely productive, I feel good, I’ve historically disengaged with antidepressant therapy and at some point along the way, this behaviour is catalysed into out of character grandiose behaviour, at times I feel like I’m a porous membrane away from believing I’m a femme fatale in an early 90s thriller.
When I’m in a ‘down’ I’m more than likely physically horizontal, spending weekends under a blanket in bed or on the sofa, snipping at my partner and friends, and unable to see any point in a future. I experience passive suicidal ideation, and I can’t remember the last week that passed when it didn’t enter my periphery at least once. I lose all self interest, and look and sound like a different person.
What do you do, if anything, in your everyday life to try to manage the highs and lows, and the resulting impact on loved ones? I’d love to learn about any coping strategies you have now and maybe those you used in the lead up to diagnosis too. Whatever this is, it’s run amuck in my life and almost destroyed everything I’ve built several times, I just want to try to gain some semblance of control.
Thank you for reading all of this if you made it this far, sincerely, I appreciate any advice you can give.