My father is now in a great assisted living community after six weeks of ICU, hospital care, and inpatient rehab.

Overall, he has been doing great and has accepted everything well. However, there is one wrinkle: he was living with his ex-wife, who is "disabled" and has no money. Using my Power of Attorney, I've arranged for his house to be sold as-is for cash early next month.

The sales proceeds will fund Dad’s room in the assisted living facility for up to a decade.

The ex-wife is saying she needs more time to find a place to live, but I know her son, brother, and 90-year-old father have all offered her rooms. I have contacted the son several times to ensure he knows the situation.

Do you think I have any reason for concern, or should I just sign the cash offer at closing and let the new owner or county deal with it?

**UPDATE*\*
Thanks everyone for the advice especially the legel/eviction stuff. Given time is of the essensce the family thinks we should just buy her off, couple grand from the house sale and a used SUV

I am a 63F and my Dad is 86. We live 4 hours apart (his choice). My parents divorced when I was 11 (mom is deceased) and my only sibling died unexpectedly in 2019. So it’s just me. In August he experienced a TIA and fell. After the hospital he went into a rehab facility and is currently there. For context, after I graduated high school I got a job and moved out of his house. He was divorcing wife #2 at that time. My sister who was 16-17 went to live with him. Less than a year later he found religion and left the area ( and my sister) to study the bible. He did not return for more than 20 years. My sister got herself into all sorts of problems over the years and I was always there to support her - he was not. Fast forward to my sisters passing. I begged him to move closer to me so I could help him in his aging but refused because his church was more important than me. Now the health issues I was afraid of have become reality. In order to visit or take care of paperwork it is exhausting and expensive. He sits in his chair at the rehab clueless about the toll this takes on me. I’m angry, frustrated and resentful but I also feel conflicted that I need to be there for him. Do I really?? Sorry for the long post.

Well it just happened to me. I still live with my senior mom (turning 91) who has mobility issues, eg, uses a cane/walker because of limited use of her legs. I've sort of fallen into a caregiver role. Today I found her laying down, still alert and uninjured, legs stuck under an old-style bed with the heavy metal frame.

I have no idea how she got like that (nor do I want to know) but I got a heavy metal pot to rest one bed leg on to get her loose. I was thinking, god know what would've happened if I wasn't there or not still living at home. She probably would've been left there for days and possibly died. I just avoided the worst scenario. Maybe it's a blessing I'm still at home.

The struggle is real

I’ve been getting into applying hair tinsel so I’ve been putting some in her hair so I have to be pretty close to her. each time I go to add some more and get closer to her , I smell sour milk! It’s not strong all the time, sometimes it’s light , sometimes its very strong.

Is there something wrong or is she getting an old person smell ? 😭

My aging parent (72) is constantly making appointments and then almost always ends up cancelling them with very little notice because they just don't feel up to it. Every kind of appointment too, house cleaners and home care, medical appointments that have sometimes been on the calendar months, plans to go out. They've even had cancellation fees applied more than a few times now with no change of behaviour or even recognition that it's well deserved and disrespectful.

It's just so frustrating, especially since if anyone cancels on them it's a huge offence that will get dwelled on and talked about for months. This is just a vent as I just got off the phone with them as they cancelled yet another appointment that I was supposed to attend with them this afternoon.

Can you give me some reasons why I shouldn’t resent my father for having me so late and also resenting my siblings for never helping out at home?

I just need something other than drugs to help my mental health rn

My MIL (82 f) retired from a career in medicine 5 years ago. Since then I’ve noticed some signs of cognitive decline. She repeats questions often, and becomes more aggressive over minor things. She has always been kind of an intense and serious person but it seems like her anxiety has become pretty severe in the last year. We had a family meeting and decided to have her evaluated for cognitive decline. She and my FIL are majorly in denial and decided to go to therapy instead.

My husband is the youngest of 4 and all his siblings are married. There are 8 of us total. We are close with all the siblings, spouses and their kids. Two of his siblings live in the same city as his parents.

My MIL is a sweet woman but she’s very intense and anxious. I don’t mid chatting with her occasionally but earlier this year she started calling me a concerning amount. She was calling me repeatedly to tell her exactly what she needed to pack for a visit, down to the type of shoes. She calls me when my husband doesn’t answer to tell me to have him call her. When we get them gifts for Mother’s Day etc she calls me repeatedly to tell her where to put it or how to set it up. If I didn’t answer she would call sometimes 4 or more times in a day and leave voicemails. Then my FIL would call and tell me she needed to talk to me.

I figured she was lonely but the calls were starting to overwhelm me. My husband stepped in and told her she could call to say hello and chat but all questions and logistical stuff needed to be through him. She ignored that and kept calling, so I stopped answering. I’m having some medical issues and my Dr has pressed to us the importance of eliminating stress as much as possible for the time being.

My husband told them this was getting really inappropriate, I was their daughter in law not one of their children and it was strange how much they were calling me. He told them they needed to stop calling me for the time being and to call him only.

My MIL now calls him to ask if she can call me about specific things. He keeps telling her she is being inappropriate and that we can talk at some point but to please just give me a break for a bit.

Last night she called and left a VM on my husbands phone that “I know this is uncomfortable but I need to speak to (wife) about my funeral arrangements.” We were totally shocked. She’s not sick or dying.

What does this behavior sound like? Is she just really anxious? Is this a sign of dementia? Is she just really lonely and for whatever reason chose me to help with that?

EDIT: I should add she’s married, they live in a nice neighborhood, have pets and friends and live close to 5 of their grandkids.

Does anything help this. I’m about 7 weeks on Zoloft and still worried.

Hi there. My parents are mid/late 70’s. I haven’t quite reached a “true” caregiver stage yet but I know it’s coming. But I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. My brother lives a few hours away, so he doesn’t see the progression as often as I do, and there are few parents left among my friends so they don’t have a reference for what I’m starting to deal with. I can see the memories starting to get questionable, my mom’s hands shake, and all those other little signs are beginning to pile up. On my mom’s side there is Alzheimer’s and her sister was just diagnosed with early stage dementia, so that news and seeing her recently has rattled me because the two seemed so similar when they were together. There is a bunch of other health stuff going on too. I just need some people that I can talk with who get it. I have my own therapist but that isn’t always the same and being in a small town there aren’t any in person support groups so a lot of the time I feel like I’m just holding everything inside where it gets overwhelming. So that’s where I’m at. Thanks for reading.

I recently took a 10 day trip to visit my parents in their home in Southeast Asia after much persuasion from my husband. I live in the US, and the last time I was at my parent's house was back in 2016. In between grad school, COVID, and limited PTO from work, I've only been able to see them a handful of times. I was in my 20's during this time frame, so like any other 20 something year old, I focused on my career, discovered who I was and dreamt about who I wanted to become, got ready to settle down with a partner, traveled, and lived a rather independent life. I called home about once a week, until we had a fallout in 2024, in which I reduced my calls to once a month.

For some background - I grew up in a very strict East Asian household. My mom and I were constantly butting heads over academics and my future. In general, my mom has been narcissistic, controlling, manipulative, invalidating, negative, and emotionally abusive towards me for years. There are still old wounds dating back from elementary school, and this ended up growing into a horrible grudge against her. With that being said, my mental health had hit rock bottom during high school, in which I made a pledge to myself that I would need to go the furthest country away from where my parents were for college, so that I could finally find my peace and live my life. During those years, I only communicated with my parents via whatsapp and phone calls. Then, when I got married in 2024, my parents and I had a major fallout because of their disapproval of my husband and his family. This caused a major rift between me and my parents, so bad to the point that my mom even threatened to disown me and take my name out of her will. She eventually apologized to me for that incident, but since then I felt like mending a relationship with my mom was hopeless, and thus I withdrew my contact from once a week to once a month. I had to seek therapy at that time because I was mentally in a very dark place. For 2 years, I worked with my therapist on how to improve my relationship with my mom before I decided for certain that I would go from low contact to no contact with her. I put in a lot of effort during my therapy sessions because I so badly wanted to maintain my relationship with my parents before I thought of doing the extreme.

Fast forward to today - the once a month phone calls were still ongoing, and my relationship with my parents was rather superficial. Every phone call is always about how I'm doing, how's work, how's your husband, how's the weather, etc. We eventually got to the topic of having them visit me, as we usually see each other once a year. That plan eventually foiled after they told me that they were not interested in taking a 13+ hour flight just to be here for a couple of days. I don't blame them, but when they told me, I broke down in tears. For a couple of days, I juggled the thought of whether it was worth going just to potentially risk another decline in my mental health. Would my mom criticize me again? Would she complain about my husband and in laws? The possibilities were endless. Ultimately, my husband told me that life was too short to not see family or to hold this much contempt in my heart. He encouraged me to see this as an opportunity to try to mend things the way my therapist taught me. I reluctantly agreed and eventually booked that airplane ticket.

When I got to my parent's house, something shifted. I felt a change of heart after seeing how much my parents have aged and seeing the state of their home. My parents are both in their 60s - my dad still works mostly for fun despite having more than enough for retirement, and my mom has been a homemaker for a majority of her married life. Seeing my parent's home, the one that I last stepped in 2016, was showing signs of wear and tear, which I attribute to the physical limitations that my parents are experiencing with their age. Growing up, my mom was a very organized person - things had to be put away and storage spaces had to be used with purpose to reduce clutter. Now that she's older, she's having symptoms of arthritis and thus doesn't have the stamina she once had to organize anymore. My parents had piles of expired OTC meds, personal hygiene products, and even food stacked on top of their credenza, dining table, and coffee table, and desk to the point that it looked like the beginning stages of a hoarding problem. I had to go through each one of them to make sure that my parents weren't using anything that was expired. When I asked them why they kept everything without checking, they said that they had a hard time seeing the expiration dates written on packaging. This broke my heart. Additionally, the fixtures in the bathroom were also deteriorating due to hard water damage. My mom was a very detail oriented person and was someone who could not stand seeing a single strand of dark hair on the floor or on countertops. When I saw the state of the bathroom, I was in shock. I could see strands of hair inside the sink, on the floor, and on the countertops. The faucet knobs had pink mold growing at the base. White hard water stains everywhere in the shower. When I asked my mom why she left the bathroom in such a condition, she said that her nearsightedness made it difficult for her to see what needed cleaning and what didn't. She also didn't have the energy to do deep cleaning. My mom's food also doesn't taste the same anymore. She was a great cook, and while it had been years since I had my mom's homemade food, the food she made for me was bland. She told me she lost motivation in cooking ever since my brother and I left home, and thus her skills were no longer where they were.

On my first night at their home and when my parents were asleep, I woke up at 2am (due to jetlag) and just laid in my bed staring at the ceiling. I still didn't want to believe how much my parents have aged and how they were starting to slow down. I became so restless that I started snooping around in the guest bedroom, where I found pictures of me when I was younger, my parents during their prime years, and baby pictures of my brother. I immediately started sobbing when I saw them. I never thought a day would come in my life where I would see my parents as vulnerable individuals.

After that night, I focused on what I could do to make this time memorable for all of us. I helped them declutter, looked into services that would help pick up items they didn't use for donation, booked a michelin star restaurant, went on a road trip to a nearby beach town, and helped them around the house. I spent as much time with them as possible. There was not a single moment when I retreated into the guest bedroom to do my own thing (which is significant because I grew up as a bedroom kid). Eventually, the contempt that I had towards my mom disappeared as I spent more time with her. As I learned about her life before she married my dad, when she had my brother and I, and the things she sacrificed for us, I felt deeply ashamed about how I viewed her for all these years. She was riddled with traumatic experiences, which explains the why behind a lot of her behaviors. I felt guilty for wanting to cut her off from my life. How could I have been so selfish?

Seeing my aging parents has wrecked me. Since returning home, I can't stop thinking about them without crying. As someone who once hated the thought of going home, I now can't wait to go back. My priorities have definitely shifted, and now I am motivated to retire early so that I can spend more time with my parents. I will be calling home more frequently. I am glad that I gave my parents grace, but I wish I had done that sooner.

If you got this far, thanks for reading.

TL;DR at bottom

Long time lurker in this sub, first time poster. I'll preface this as a 38 (M) only child who recently placed his relatively younger mother (63) (compaired to a lot of peoples stories in this sub reddit) into a retirement community, took away her driving privileges, and have basically set up PoA over her entire life. Small back story is she divorced from my dad in 1995. My dad is almost 70, no medical issues short of a heart attack scare last week, and is still fishing and doing yard and fence work with his younger friends.

I won't go back to far, because this would become a major vent post with almost a life times worth of baggage to dump.

It started more in 2023 when my mom had her first stroke, a few months after having various stints place in her leg, heart, any vein or artery cloged from decades of chain smoking remmington cigars and eating like a picky toddler. She was still working for a state highway department driving large dump trucks. Coincidentally, I work for the same department but for different crew during her time. The state placed her on paid medical leave for months. During this time, I have burnt vacation, sick, or days off helping her during her recovery. Reminders of meds, doctor appointments, bills, etc. She recovered mostly, some balance, but cleared to drive.

Over the years, I would do work on her property, continue trying to be a good son while trying to be a good husband for my wife while we struggle with infertility (long story, but will tie in so stay tooned).

Fast forward to March of 2026. At this point, my mother's health has gone down more. She's been retired since early October of 25, but had been wearing depends due to issues with holding her bladder, outright lieing or hiding this issue at work unless someone had to drive her normal truck the next day and saw the mess she didnt clean up. Mom is not nor has ever been a good house keeper, but the mess in a vinal seat is a step farther than cluttered house and vehicles.

Anyways, back to March. Mom is selling her property and bought a truck with a loan at $20k over market value due to negative equity loans on previous trucks. She is 5 foot even, driving a 2025 RAM 1500 Tradesman edition for context. Major UTI with secondary stroke. Week in ICU. I have months worth of PTO built up. I took this week off to stay with her and make medical decisions as family. She is released into my care, where I later realized she showed up at the title place during her property sale 2 hours late, staring blankly out a windows and giving short answers and rushing to sign. She refused to tell anyone she was selling, did not argue with the truck purchase, which I advised heavy against but was thinking I was respecting her independence. To top this off, she also has a horse in its late 20s we have to rush to rehome. Luckily, the new owners let us keep the horse on the property until we figured out the situation.

For the first 2 weeks, mom is basically a zombie. Barley moves, groans in pain when you pick her up. My wife, bless her, is helping bath her while going though a miscarriage. The next 2 weeks of her stay, mom is back mentally, but basically just gets up from her bed, shuffles to my couch, and watchs tv while playing social media games. The only plus is my dogs are excited someone is home so they dont have to be kenneled. Mom leaves dirty depends on the floor. Mom smears fecal matter on my toilet. Mom demands my wife or I leave work to wait on her. My wife explodes. I confront her. She decides she'll rent a lot and move into her camper there.

Fine. I helped her move and set up. Shes mobile, clearly back in her sound mind, respecting her independence, and all medical visits are not red flagging anything other than her need to take her meds and keep clean.

Fast forward again to 3 weeks ago. We celebrate her 63rd birthday. She drove herself in her truck, again pointing out a ram 1500 Tradesman, driven by a 5 foot even older woman. She gets in fine, walks fine, talks, laughs. Fun outing with her and some of her friends and my wife and I eating at her favorite steak house.

A week later? No one hears from her for a couple days. I go to do a welfare check and see her friend and a couple local PD outside camper tried to gain entry and advise they see her in the floor. I'm done at this point and tell PD who I am and go to my truck to grab a crow bar and drill. When I'm back, one of the PD found an open window and was able to get his arm in just enough to catch the lock on the trailer. We go in and find her on the ground, wet from UTI urine (you smell it once you never forget) and her camper a literal fire hazard. Paramedics arrived and checked her out. She refused transport so I drove her to the hospital. Passenger seat is ruined now because she still is actively going but that's secondary to getting her into the hospital. She's checked out, confirmed UTI. General weakness. Spends 3 days in recovery on Antibiotics. I take off during this, but instead of staying like before, I start the process of finding her any sort of community with neighbors, figuring out PoA, and overall trying to prove she isnt of Sound mind. Her lifelong friends agree.

During this, I found a place with an immediate opening. It's a retirment community appartment complex. Staffed 24/7, resuturant quality meals, the works. Just its not assited living, but the social aspect is there and they do have resources to help get home health aids. The room is $1800/month. Her bills for her truck, insurance, camper site and storage unit total this amount. Her SSI and State Pension (due to her only working 12 years and taking the earliest payout) totals about $2100. No brainer to me and her friends, her truck will go back to the bank, she'll move in here for a few months, and we reevaluate cheaper residency options later. Especially finding out the protections she will have against garnishments. Done. Moved in.

Problem is now, she makes comments to others like my wife or friends how "my son will quit and take care of me full time. His wife will do the same. He wont work fully today, I will fall" etc. And she has fallen a couple of times. Like a stint at my house, on camera, where she slowly lowers herself from her bed to the floor. The only reason I made her wait 2 hours when my wife went home for lunch is my dog was super calm around her and laid by her the entire time. This dog freaks out when a cat scratches a person, so no reason to worry.

I have evals this morning for her. I'm doing last minute insurance and Medicare/medicade checks with DHS. On my 1 day off this week. I have told my mom I physically can not take care of her like she demands. I have told her her truck will go back to the bank. She will not drive (doctor backed this up and threaten medical revocation).

I love my mom, but she has to meet me half way in her care while she is somewhat mentally competent. But I am also waiting on evals on her mental state, such as dementia/laziness etc.

Thanks for the long read.

TL;DR: As a 38M only child, I had to place my 63-year-old mother into a retirement community, surrender her truck, and take full PoA after recurring strokes, UTIs, and extreme self-neglect. My wife and I are at our breaking point—especially while dealing with our own infertility and recent miscarriage—as my mom refuses to help herself and is now staging falls and demanding we quit our jobs to become her full-time caregivers.

Edit: typos and wording fixes

Just found this sub and already thankful for it. Have read through many posts and have gotten some great tips already.

My mother, 79, fell on a trip out of the country and broke her elbow. She has not broken anything before but her balance is declining and she has fallen a couple of times. I do not live near her but I took of work at a very busy time to come help her upon her return to the US and to get her into an orthopedist appt. She is in a constant state of anxiety and denial about this injury. Just now at 2:30am she missed the toilet and fell on the floor. It took hs 5-10 minutes to get her up. She is overweight and obviously couldn’t use her arm so it was a struggle. After getting her all settled again she said “well I guess I have to carry my phone around with me all the time now.”

I know I have to let her come to the conclusion herself that perhaps some sort of assisted living situation is the best idea at this point in her life. It’s so sad to see this happening.

Thanks for letting me vent.

(If you're here to just be negative, etc., scroll on. I'vd had plenty of that. Don't need it, don't want it. Have the day you deserve. I will consider constructive and constructive negative comments.)

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. My Mom is on respite, long story short, she comes home Monday. I am her sole caregiver. She is on hospice now, but more for her medical needs, though she is 90, and I have to accept that.

Everyone who counts has told me what a good/great job I've been doing. However, more and more that's being amended to "with what you had to work with."

I know I'm not alone now. I'm actually going to be taught some things that I've been asking for awhile, she'll have someone to give her proper baths, etc. We went through hospice with Dad several years ago, so I know some of the drill. But, honestly, I'm not sure how well I can step up in my areas, when everyone else is gone.

For example, she has had these horrible nights when she's been screaming all night in agony. I thought her neuropathy was probably the cause, especially when nothing touched it. Got a call from the overnight nurse this morning. Mom had had one of those nights, and it was because she was constipated.

I feel like a fool. I never even thought about constipation.

Also, all the years of my parents ignoring me around cleaning and taking care of the house, keeping things, etc., have finally caught up with me. It's a long story, and not like I haven't tried through the years- but it's taken two people two days to get her room into shape for hospice, and there's more to go.

I know we've always been far from perfect, and I've watched those extreme clean videos on YouTube and been thankful that we're not that bad, but I've since been told, by an unbiased person, that my folks were/are at least borderline hoarders, etc.

Part of me is relieved that I can have help shouldering the burden side. I love my Mom, don't get me wrong. The other part is wondering how I'm going to step up my game, for lack of better terminology, when I was already doing my best, and seemingly not getting anywhere.

I know I'll have better supplies snd backup, but I also realize that my housework and decluttering has got to get better, and I don't know if I can do that when I've tried do hard for such a long time, and failed.

I've been lazy bones enough this morning. One of our cats has become a velcro kitty; he knows things are changing, and he's not sure why. He's definitely ready for breakfast! 😸

Have a good day/evening, everyone. Thank you for reading.

Hello, my parents are in their 80's and have always had, in my opinion, a dysfunctional relationship dynamic and it's just getting worse. My dad is super rigid and controlling, can be pretty harsh and insensitive at times. He's always been this way to some degree but as he gets older it's getting so much worse. My mom's response to his behavior her whole life has been to minimize it and make excuses. She's mostly been a very independent person as well - she had a career, was involved in a lot of community activities, etc. She didn't always have to spend a lot of time in the house with my dad. As she's aged, she's still pretty engaged in some things, but she's slowed down more and has to spend more time with him.

On some days, it's very depressing to go over to see them. My dad is completely withdrawn and won't really engage - he doesn't really talk to me or my kids when we visit, and seems apathetic when my mom tries to engage him. (Note: he's always been this way to some degree, but it's just getting much worse.) I think my mom is really drained by spending the days with him and she seems sad. She's been having a lot of nausea for the past few months, which I think it primarily psychosomatic.

In a way, I feel like I've seen this coming for a long time, but it's incredibly heartbreaking to watch. I really don't understand why my mom stayed in a relationship with my dad but I guess she had her reasons. My mom is a very caring person and it's really hard to how poorly he treats her. (Personally, since I was a kid, I always hoped they would get a divorce. He was a mean dad, too.)

Maybe a teeny part of me had some kind of hope that he'd gain some wisdom in his older years and start being kinder and more considerate of her. Rationally, I know that's not realistic, but I think there was a little part of me that wanted to believe it. Just wanted to vent. I'm going to go visit again tonight. I bring my kids and she loves them and talks and plays with them, but watching my dad become more distant, withdrawn, and difficult is very draining. Just needed to vent, I'm sure some of you are experiencing similar issues. Thanks.

I’d like to preface by saying I’m not asking for techniques in dealing with dementia related behavior.

My mother has dementia, and my father is her primary caregiver. My parents are married and live together, and I live about 20 minutes away. Most of his family and friends live overseas, and he typically travels there for 7–8 days twice a year.

Whenever he travels, I’m expected to stay at their house with my mother full time. Although she can still bathe, dress herself, make a simple meal, and get around independently, her confusion and disorientation mean she cannot safely be left alone for any meaningful length of time.

I work full-time, so I’m also responsible for arranging supervision for her while I’m at work. This most recent trip, I couldn’t find a sitter for two days and had to take unpaid time off work—money I really cannot afford to lose. This is something I really wish my father would make arrangements for, as it leaves me scrambling to find a sitter while I work full time and he is retired.

Caring for my mother is emotionally exhausting. Because of her dementia, she believes she is the adult in charge and becomes nasty or defensive when redirected or corrected. She constantly loses things, and much of our time together consists of arguments, searching for misplaced belongings, and trying to redirect her. I understand that her behavior is a result of her illness, and I do not to take it personally. I keep her occupied and try to avoid engaging in arguments, but that doesn’t make the situation much easier.

She also becomes extremely distressed when my father travels. She doesn’t understand where he is, why he left, or when he’s coming home. At the same time, she resents my presence and repeatedly tells me she doesn’t need me and wants me to leave. So I’m left trying to supervise someone who doesn’t want me there, while managing her distress and hostility for days at a time.

This is probably the eighth time I’ve taken care of her while my father has been away, and I honestly don’t think I can do it again. I feel clinically depressed by the end of my week with her.

I feel obligated to help because she’s my mother, and I want my father to have a break from his caregiving responsibilities. But I also feel that it’s unfair for him to travel without having a reliable care plan in place, knowing that I work full-time, cannot afford to miss work, and will be left managing her cognitive destabilization due to his absence.

These trips are damaging my relationship with my mother and creating significant resentment toward my father. I find very little joy in our time together during these periods, and I don’t want the time I have left with her to be defined by misery and conflict for both of us.
I don’t want to deprive my father of the opportunity to travel and see his loved ones, but I also don’t think I can continue sacrificing my finances and emotional well-being to make those trips possible.

Am I the asshole if I tell my father I can no longer be responsible for caring for my mother while he travels, even if that means he has to change his plans?

And, separately, is it reasonable for my father to continue taking these trips at all even if we can arrange alternative care for my mother, given how distressed and destabilized she becomes whenever he leaves?

My 94 year old mom still lives alone. She's amazingly spry and still plays the piano, bridge, attends a community college class twice a week, sings in a choir, walks daily, hosts a weekly game night, and has other social activities. She also does everything right health-wise: low fat, high fiber diet, sunscreen, exercise, sleep, etc. But she has the tissue-paper skin of a 94 year old, and this week she reached for a large empty cardboard box on a garage shelf and it fell, slicing her forearm. It was bad.

I live 5 minutes away and we went to urgent care. She's fine now. What surprised me was how despondent she was about it. She is usually a very upbeat, positive person. But she said that this injury, which ultimately wasn't even serious, made her feel old and "feeble" because she was "doing something a normal person should be able to do" and she hates that her skin has become so thin and easily injured. It's the idea of it being a physical sign of her aging and completely out of her control.

My mom can be a very difficult person to deal with, self-centered and critical. Much of her self-care has been motivated by vanity, and she loves that people are shocked when they learn how old she is. But this was tough to witness. I can't really help her with this. She is 94, and her skin is 94.

I guess I just wanted to post here because we're all watching our aging loved ones go through trials of one kind or another.

Both of my parents are sicker than they realize, and I feel like all of the traditions are gone and we are just waiting for one or both of them to get worse. I moved across country after being away for 20+ years and that’s equally mind fucking me. I’m watching the relationships change between them, between us kids, and I do NOT want to leave them when they need me, but I need me too. The real me. But I don’t even know who that is anymore

My dad (89) has fairly advanced dementia that really become apparent about 4 years ago. My mom (83) has been caring for him in their huge home that they absolutely refuse to move out of. Her own cognition is starting to decline in pretty noticeable ways, her memory is clearly failing, and she recently got a 23/30 on the SLUMS test and refused further testing (which I only know about because I have medical POA and access to her online health records).

They're able to kind of muddle along, but she's starting to have more and more issues with household management. She was historically the one who's handled bills and finances but they're having issues with things like bill pay. I've tried to get some bills on autopay but they keep having to close credit cards and accounts. A sibling and I have a reasonably good eye on their finances and they aren't getting scammed or losing massive amounts of money, but things like getting the cable bill paid before services are shut off is getting increasingly problematic. They're also at the point where they can't troubleshoot tech, handle home maintenance, etc.

Caring for my dad is getting increasingly intensive and it's crystal clear that they should be in independent or assisted living but they've been refusing it for a decade. My siblings and I live out of town and help where we can, but aren't there day to day.

Has anyone hired a sort of household manager to go in and support their aging parents with things like bill pay, home maintenance, tech troubleshooting, etc? What type of security checks would exist since they'd have access to sensitive financial data?

Has anyone had success in making peace with a very elderly’s decision to ignore all suggestions concerning a safe living arrangement? My very elderly mother lives in her own apartment, she won’t wear the Life Alert, she will not consider Independent Living with call buttons and a 24/7 desk, and she talks like she will have a home care agency come but she cancels the service If I leave town. She doesn’t drive, and she can’t operate Uber. She does order her own groceries. Her apartment complex is very transient, and she doesn’t know her neighbors.

I’m the only person who helps her stay in her own apartment, and the stress is detrimental to my health. I realize I need to just let go of the stress and realize that I can’t control her or any crisis she may encounter. I have a milestone birthday soon and want to go on a short trip. She will be entirely alone without any backup plan for me. But I’m at an age where I could become ill or where my spouse could become ill. Again, there is no backup plan at all.

Does anyone have suggestions for how to accept this situation and to ratchet down my anxiety?