My mother got out of 5 weeks at an snf about a month and a half ago, after discharge she had a nurse and pt visiting her. I never met them because I I work during the the day but I encouraged my brother to be around for the visits so her could talk to them about any issues. I did notice that the nursing service was different than the one she usually has, let me call them A. I basically heard nothing from them except when was being discharged from PT a couple of weeks later. I had really big concerns about my mother's cleanliness so I started arranging for a health aide to help her clean herself.

While in the process of of arranging that she had another fall. It was kind of a small fall and she did not want to go to the hospital but the paramendics insisted so she went and spent a night on a stretcher in an er hallway. They did not even admit her but they said they would let her out with nursing. They called me and asked if she had nurses she already used, I told them A since getting out of the rehab but that I felt she might have already been discharged by them.

She was sent home from the hospital by ambulance and put right in her bed where she wanted to stay. The next morning a nurse from he hospital (their agency so B) came and was shocked at the state of my mother and she really got the ball rolling on getting us help taking care of her, I feel awful but my family is just not cut out for caregiving and my mom is constantly in extreme pain and stubborn so she refuses efforts we make to help her. Within a week they had home aides and social workers scheduled. I even cancelled the ones I was setting up.

My mom was getting tons of visits in the last couple of weeks. So many that it started to upset my dad who would get frustrated and short with them on the phone and he would try and get them to call me but hardly anyone called me even though they all had my number. Sometimes my mom would refuse them but she was really pleased with the aide who came to shower. I felt like finally something was getting better and my mom was getting some help.

Then on Friday it all ended. Someone from B called and said they were immediately cutting off all the services they had set up because they found out she had another nursing service. She talked to to my father and ofc again did not call me and ofc it was on a Friday. According to my father some nurse from another agency came in to the house. At first I had no idea what this could have meant but after thinking on it I realized maybe someone from A had come, maybe they had never discharged mother. When I got home I found paper work from A about discharging her on Tuesday.

There are ways fight the discharge from A but I don't want to, for weeks they seemed to do nothing, I didn't even know they were still coming and seeing her. I'm so frustrated I don't even know where to start with anything, I would really just like the services B promised to just come back.

My MIL (79) has some anxiety history and has had Xanax prescription in the past. She had a major brain bleed about 5 years ago and a stroke about 3 years ago. Following the stroke, she has a lot of visual field loss and she’s lost her mapmaking capacity, to the point where she gets lost in her own 1-bedroom apartment. She is still relatively sharp but we’d estimate that her overall cognition is down maybe 15% from where it was pre-stroke.

She’s lived in several different places after the stroke — her own house, an assisted living facility where the residents were in much worse shape than she was, then a retirement community where it became obvious that she needed a higher level of care, and now an independent living facility that seems like the right level of care. She’s safe, her needs are met, she’s making friends there, and she’s starting to participate in activities. Her kids both live close by and are over once or twice a week and manage her medications, finances, etc.

Despite that, in the last year or so, her anxiety has been pretty constant. We see her treating every minor issue or thing that needs tending to as a catastrophe. It’s the constant stream of phone calls about really genuinely minor things that’s hardest on my spouse, but also just the impact it has on her quality of life. I know the world was scary for her when she was living in a retirement community and she got isolated, so we were hoping that would improve when she was back in a higher level of care, but it hasn’t.

She’s refused therapy but I’m wondering what, if anything, has helped for elderly folks who are dealing with a lot of general panic about the world. Should we get her a Xanax prescription? We’re somewhat worried about fall risk with that class of drug, but maybe antidepressants? Elder focused therapy? Would a geriatrician be a good place to start? I

My parents are just reaching their 80's and were to spend the day with my 7 year old daughter. Plan after they picked her up was to meet them out for dinner and we'd take our daughter home after.

Wife and I were just running some errands so we picked a place in an area they know well (so we thought)...new place but my wife sent the address link by text to them. We get to the restaurant and they're late. We get a text from them that they are lost and where they say they are is 10 minutes or so away. I really cannot understand how they could have got to where they were based on where the place was. My Mom sends a half written text (unfinished, which made the situation more weird) and as we're sitting there my wife and I start getting worried for our daughter since she's in the car with them. We call them and I ask my Dad to park in a parking lot near a place he definitely knows.

I was really worried about the interaction with them getting emotional or out of hand so my wife got out of the car and nicely told them we were just going to skip dinner and go home.

I'm now home and pretty shell shocked about what happened. I knew my Mom has been declining quite a bit but this is an area they know well. Admittedly they did not know the restaurant but I'm not sure how they could have ended up so far away.

I really didn't know how to react so luckily my wife kind of took control. I just didn't want to turn it into an embarrassing thing but I didn't see how we could have dinner at that point. My Dad gets easily flustered and we always try to think three steps ahead for him but other than sending a hot link address I'm not sure what we could have done other than to just drive them there.

My parents are the type that have always complained about everything anyway. When we drive my SUV is too high to get in. If we took my wife's car it would be too crowded. It's just kind of how that generation seems to be and they are no exception. I certainly love them but their comfort zone is about the size of a quarter and between that and just not being able to think all the moves ahead, getting together with them for anything is stressful.

I'm not sure I'm asking for advice or just venting at this point but today was both eye opening and pretty sad.

Today was so hard. My dad has been between the hospital and rehab center for the last 3 months, with a four day stent at home somewhere in the middle. He finally came home today. Even though he had done really good with physical rehab, walking several feet with his walker and we have practiced the car, he couldn't make it out of the car to his walker today. Me and my mother had to try and hold him up while my husband ran to get his wheelchair.

My parents were screaming at each other. They do that a lot. 10 years of my mom caregiving combined with my dad being a dick 70% of the time, long before he began to deteriorate. While my mother sacrifices everything for him, it is more out of duty than love.

Today I screamed back at them, primarily at my dad. Right in his face. I lost it. Everyone got quiet. I immediately felt shame. Once he was in his chair, I had to walk away. I was trying not to spiral. My mom checked on me and I just kept apologizing, especially since my mom is typically just burnt out and sticking up for herself.

The last year or so, he has gotten more confused and just...wild. Non-stop talking/yelling/repeating. Hateful things. Lies. True stuff and loving stuff mixed in probably 15% of the time. It's hard to know what is actually happening with him. This seems to be a combination of medications, pain medicine primarily, and we believe beginning dementia.

Thank God my husband jumped into action. We had to figure out an impromptu ramp as we were not expecting his walker to not work I'm trying to get my mom more help, preferably him to just not be there. I have gotten leave from work to help but even then don't feel physically or mentally equipped for this. I am young with no children, on paper I'd be in a great position to help. Maybe it's just selfishness.

Money is difficult. Too little to afford a good place, too many assets (they own their home as they built it, property, 20 year old beater car) to get medicaid for nursing care.

I want my dad to have good care and to feel loved, but I feel stronger that I want my mom to survive. And I hate all of it.

In home health starts tomorrow, not sure that they will take one look at him and say nope, can't stay here. I don't know. Wheelchair has removed a lot of chances for falling, which is his major issue, but our house isnt accessible, and again, money.

If you have read this far, thank you. This experience is grueling, shameful, heartbreaking, etc. Guilt. Just trying to be kind to myself.

My mom has a stuffed nose (everyday, because she doesn’t know how to blow her nose anymore). What are some ways for me to help her get her shot out? We’ve tried nasal sprays and allergy meds an everything. But those don’t work because it’s not a lot of snot - kind of like what you wake up with but she can’t blow it out and is just congested the whole day and hates it

My mom is 65 years old and suffers from PKD, heart issues, and more recently found out she likely has pulmonary fibrosis. She also struggles with body issues, she has a cyst behind her knee cap and hip issues that developed over the last decade. She also has undiagnosed mental health issues. Its been hard seeing her go from this active healthier person that was more excited about life, to where she cant do much anymore.

She still works at the hospital, but she hurts everyday and I really try my best to help make her days better and easier. I have my own problems (ADHD, cPTSD, anxiety/depression, hormonal issues from PCOS/endo) that makes it hard for me to do more than just part time work, but I do everything I can to help her feel better. I cook her meals/make her food everyday, clean the house, help her run errands so she doesn't have to walk much any more than she has to.

She struggles with the thought that she can't move as well as she used to and I know how much it upsets her and wears her down. I want to do more for her like take her out to go to the nice forests near where we live, play more games with her, and we've been spending more time together watching movies from the 1940s-70s which she loves a lot, but she gets tired so easily and it hurts to see so much.

I just want to do so much more for her, I've been working on getting more hours at work so I can help pay for more things around here, but Im afraid I wont be able to. I just feel overwhelmed and needed to get it out because I just love and care about her so much and she's the only family I have left. I just want her to be happier

hello! as the title suggests, i’m looking for some recommendations for assistance devices. my grandmother is 93 and lives alone. i live in another state but every time i come home, i do what i can to make her home life easier! my brother and uncle also see her weekly, take out her trash, etc. of course with her being 93, she’s not able to move around as easy as she once was, but she still very independent for the most part: cooking, cleaning, very local driving, etc. her home has a lot of steps (trust me, we are doing all we can to get her to move out of this house but it’s the only home she’s known) and it’s also just a very old house so i’ve been looking for some tools to get her that could assist with her mobility. we are also in the process of trying to get an aide approved for her.

i’ve already bought toilet rails, non rinse shower wipes, a grabber, and a shower chair. if there is anything else you’ve used to help keep your loved one’s independence, i would appreciate it.

I don’t know why but I am having a really hard day. This is the first weekend in months that hasn’t been dedicated 100% to my romance scam dad who gave away $100k and is a sexist jerk who has no regard for me or my sister or our kids.

And even though I still spent hours on organizing his shit, the cancellation letter from his auto insurance is hitting hard. I sold his second car last weekend and he has no idea, nor does he seem to care. His random text about there not being enough meat on his sandwich in memory care (which he thinks is free but it costs over $5k per month, and he’s irate they don’t give him more) is sending me spiraling and I don’t even know why.

Is it rage? Is it fear? Is it grief?

I just don’t fucking know.

Then I think, am I going to do the same thing? What if I do this to my kids? Oh my God. What a nightmare.

Curious if people would confront their aging parent of petty theft from local store, once for sure, three times suspected. Not sure if preliminarily signs of dementia, otherwise healthy, but mild cognitive decline.

Edit: I really appreciate all of the opinions and experiences shared here. I will be discussing it with my mother and her doctor. I am affirmed that my question/curiosity is reasonable. I like mother's doctor and find him engaged and receptive to questions about treatment.

My mother is 84, in good health, no history of heart disease. I have no idea how long she's been taking Simvastatin, but it has been since before I began paying attention and living with her three years ago.

She's been doing Pilates consistently for 22 years. Despite this, I've noticed that she's slowed down enormously in the last 5 years or more. I read that statins can cause muscle fatigue and weakness, and I am wondering if there's a connection.

I looked into it because of a fall she had at home last weekend. She fell as a consequence of poor choices - standing on unstable ground, excessive reach. Thank goodness the fall was not disabling, and she came out of it with just one fractured rib and two nights in hospital for observation. But I began wondering about her reaction time, and also began wondering why, despite the Pilates (which is now her only physical activity), she seems to have little desire for movement.

Anyhow, now I'm wondering if the statins have contributed to her physical slowdown, and if they're actually contributing to her aging acceleration.

Thoughts?

Current need: My MIL seems to have a mental block against standing up. Before I left for vacation, she would let me give her a boost off the toilet so she could stand and shuffle over to her wheelchair. Now I have to lift her because she actively pushes back on the boost and gasps with fear. Talking through it does not help. She says she got weaker. She sure doesn’t feel weak as she pushes back against me!

Back story:
My husband and I built on an in law suite to his family home and moved in because his very sweet mother could not get up the stairs to her bedroom and shower any more and we like the home and its location. Mutually beneficial. She has had mobility issues for 50 years. This summer she experienced a big decline and I took over her meds and doctor communication while he took over finances. FIL is complicated. He’s not the caregiver personality but has taken over a lot of caring. He was getting overwhelmed and my summer break was coming to an end, so we started home heath care aides against her wishes. Fast forward to a month ago when she hurt her foot getting out of the shower and lost a lot of her strength while staying off of it. Like so much in five short days while we were assessing if it was broken. It’s not. Just a deep tissue bruise.
So now we are stuck in this place where she no longer gets herself to the bathroom or gets around in the small ways she used to. PT comes to the home twice a week because in June her dr diagnosed severe deconditioning. She does exercises every day. She has always struggled with anxiety and depression. She’s medicated. We’ve had to start Xanax before PT appointments because her fear was impacting her sessions.
Sorry this is so long. Just trying to offer the whole picture.
I don’t know where we go from here. Is this our new normal? She’s wheelchair bound? I’m taking her to the bathroom every night?

My 77-year-old mother has lost thousands of dollars in what appears to be a romance scam. Two men are involved: Patrik, who claimed to work on an oil rig, and Brian, an interior designer who supposedly left for Istanbul for a highly lucrative contract. She sent money to the first man without ever meeting him and communicates with the second exclusively through WhatsApp.
My mother was widowed less than a year ago and seems desperate for affection and validation. She had a difficult childhood with an alcoholic father. I worry about her vulnerability and wonder whether her behavior could also be related to a cognitive issue.
I am also extremely concerned about how much personal information she may have shared about herself, me, and my children. I have photos and some information about these men, but despite my efforts, I have been unable to find any practical resources in Montreal to help me.
I am emotionally exhausted by this situation. I have my own children, my business, and my own grief to process. I want to protect my mother, but I cannot carry this burden alone. I am looking for resources and advice from people who have experienced something similar, particularly on how to intervene and protect my family without becoming emotionally overwhelmed myself.

My mum (70) is not in best health (lung issue and vulnerable to respiratory illnesses). She got the flu and it has drained her energy and immune system. Her and my dad live in their own place.

It is incredibly distressing seeing her sick. I just want to be able to support her and my dad somehow but not sure what I can do. I know I can’t make her well but just things to ease their burden. I only live 10 mins from them.

I would greatly appreciate any advice.

Thanks

My dad has been scammed three times by online scammers posing as Apple support or as one of their adult children. He succumbs to the pressure and we’ve had to recover 10-20k. I’m thinking we’ll make his cash limited to a few thousand dollars for expenses and the rest is managed by my brother or moved into inaccessible accounts. Has anyone else encountered this and if so how do you manage this with your parent?

I am 37M, my name is Kevin. I am not entirely sure what is happening to my mom, 71.

Recently I came to know she has been participating of a Nigerian prince/advance-fee scam. She refuses to believe she is being scammed, even though all the people she have contacted told her. She have been asking for loaner money to all those people who have told her it's a scam, some people did give her money. I don't know how much money, or how many people. Ever since I decided to cut her off financially and now my brother, who lives with her, is managing her expenses.

I was stern with her when I found out, and she told me she was gonna change. The next day she was going to the bank to do something. Clearly nothing changed.

She repeatedly lies, telling people (who have previously and repeatedly told her it's a scam): "I need money for XYZ, and my sons know about it, yesterday we went together to the bank and they told us the money is there and we need to pay taxes....". No such thing occurred. Amongst many other lies, to the point of not having anyone else to rely on, because when someone tells her it's a scam she no longer trusts them, or considers them "against her". I came to know because she was looking to sell the house, and she told an aunt about it, my aunt then told another aunt and she told me. Selling the house, or putting it in somebody else's name is super bad. I am trying to safe enough money to get it in my name.

I called the police as soon as my aunt told me. They told me the problem with elderly people is that they have the same rights and autonomy as the rest of us do, and sometimes acknowledging they are being scammed is the one and most important thing. If they don't they are acting as free citizens with free will and in their eyes nothing is wrong, and the police can't do anything.

My mom is not super old, she is 71, but she has never been a chronic liar, and I don't know if she is in that awful point of life where we don't know that she is beginning to develop dementia. She was diagnosed with something called "mild cognitive disorder", which basically the way the doctors explained, it means her brain is shrinking. I don't know what the effects/symptoms are. She has never been confrontational either, like talking back to my brother or aunts like she is now. Super unlike her.

One time I saw a case of a husband who had a sudden weird change in personality/character and he happened to have a brain tumor which he died of months later. Not sure if it could be similar.

Does my description of her resonates with known conditions? Does anyone have recommendations? I could also read another post if something similar have been posted already :)

I'd be happy to provide more details as needed.

Thanks!

I'm 23 and my father turned 69 a couple days ago. I feel like his health has been deteriorating rapidly since the last 3 years. He had a heart attack and multiple interventions later on and i'm scared. He needs way more help that he admits since he can't walk (or do kind of physical effort) that much.

I live with both of my parents and I struggle with mental health since I can remember. I guess I'm scared but I'm mostly sad that I won't have much time to enjoy with him. He can be very frustating and hurtful sometimes but I can't imagine a live without him. I don't really know how to handle any of this and I feel like my friends don't understand that they need me here with them.

I doubt that this will be the last time that I use this subreddit so thank you to anyone that reads.

(My grammar may be a bit broken, English is not my first language)

I am a 33F, my parents had kids later in life so my dad will be 74 in December. Unfortunately my mom passed away 7 years ago at 63 years old. Despite my parents not getting along and basically being separated most of my life, it was devastating to my dad. I was still living at home when my mom died and then was reluctant to move out because I was worried about my dad and financially it didn’t make sense. I went back to school, got a good career, and then bought a house with my now husband 2.5 years ago. So my dad has been living alone for 2.5 years.

He’s been lonely and has tried making friends and dating but he’s not the easiest person to get along with. He’s always been very healthy and acted like he was going to live until his 90s but he developed a cataract and basically overnight decided he was now old. We got the cataract resolved but I found a spot on his head that looks questionable so now he’s convinced he’s got cancer and is going to die.

He also is adamant that it’s too overwhelming to own a house and doesn’t want to own a home and take care of one anymore. The only “overwhelming” aspect is all the deferred maintenance or jobs that he created (ex: he gets manic and twice has filled the house brim full of random stuff then cleaned it out).
Me and my husband have talked about it and are open to him living with us but we both agree this isn’t the right house and it will take some time for us to figure out the next step and my dad says he hears that and then the next minute is either pushing to move in or stating he doesn’t know what he’s going to do because he will be homeless once he sells his house.

Other things to note: his best friend that he talked to daily passed away this year and our family dog is also 11 and I know both of those things are weighing heavily on him. I think he is depressed and I’m worried about him but I don’t know how to help him. I’m also frustrated to be so young dealing with this especially since I’m a nurse so I see unhealthy people all the time and aside from mental health issues my dad is extremely healthy for his age…

At the same time I feel like I would feel the same way if I was in his shoes. I guess I just feel like it isn’t fair since I’ve already lost my mom and I don’t want to lose my dad but I just feel like he’s giving up on life.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. Support, empathy? I don’t know.

My mom.is in her early 70s, single (divorced)and was diagnosed with aFib heart condition this year. She has gone to hospital mutiple times (somerimes 2-3 times a week), seen specialists, taken various meds and yet is still forever complaining she doesn't feel well. Most recently it is on-and-off weakness, most likely due to her meds which list this as a side effect. Her health is now essentially all we ever talk or text about.

At her request, I text every day to check she is OK. I cannot check in physically because I live 2 hours away and work FT.

She now also wants me to WhatsApp videochat with her whenever she feels weak so she is not alone. Even if I am out in a store, on transit, etc.

My sister lives in her city wants nothing to do with her during this illness (We had lots of fighting at home and are still dealing with some of our childhood trauma...that is another post.)

We told our mom should be in a retirement community of sorts and she agrees but says it is too stressful to think about. I find her expectation of random "drop-everything" videochats excessive. She thinks every time she feels weak, it is an emergency that merits full attention. I also suggested a PSW but she ignores that suggestion.

I know I am a shite child but I feel exhausted and fed up by her constant need for my.attention -- which is never enough and doesn't solve her main health problem anyway.

Any advice?

UPDATE: Thank you everyone for your support and advice. I am really grateful and overwhelmed by your empathy...it is nice to know I am not so alone in all this. To those of you also dealing with issues, I am sending you strength as well.

Well it just happened to me. I still live with my senior mom (turning 91) who has mobility issues, eg, uses a cane/walker because of limited use of her legs. I've sort of fallen into a caregiver role. Today I found her laying down, still alert and uninjured, legs stuck under an old-style bed with the heavy metal frame.

I have no idea how she got like that (nor do I want to know) but I got a heavy metal pot to rest one bed leg on to get her loose. I was thinking, god know what would've happened if I wasn't there or not still living at home. She probably would've been left there for days and possibly died. I just avoided the worst scenario. Maybe it's a blessing I'm still at home.

The struggle is real

My father is now in a great assisted living community after six weeks of ICU, hospital care, and inpatient rehab.

Overall, he has been doing great and has accepted everything well. However, there is one wrinkle: he was living with his ex-wife, who is "disabled" and has no money. Using my Power of Attorney, I've arranged for his house to be sold as-is for cash early next month.

The sales proceeds will fund Dad’s room in the assisted living facility for up to a decade.

The ex-wife is saying she needs more time to find a place to live, but I know her son, brother, and 90-year-old father have all offered her rooms. I have contacted the son several times to ensure he knows the situation.

Do you think I have any reason for concern, or should I just sign the cash offer at closing and let the new owner or county deal with it?

**UPDATE*\*
Thanks everyone for the advice especially the legel/eviction stuff. Given time is of the essensce the family thinks we should just buy her off, couple grand from the house sale and a used SUV

I am a 63F and my Dad is 86. We live 4 hours apart (his choice). My parents divorced when I was 11 (mom is deceased) and my only sibling died unexpectedly in 2019. So it’s just me. In August he experienced a TIA and fell. After the hospital he went into a rehab facility and is currently there. For context, after I graduated high school I got a job and moved out of his house. He was divorcing wife #2 at that time. My sister who was 16-17 went to live with him. Less than a year later he found religion and left the area ( and my sister) to study the bible. He did not return for more than 20 years. My sister got herself into all sorts of problems over the years and I was always there to support her - he was not. Fast forward to my sisters passing. I begged him to move closer to me so I could help him in his aging but refused because his church was more important than me. Now the health issues I was afraid of have become reality. In order to visit or take care of paperwork it is exhausting and expensive. He sits in his chair at the rehab clueless about the toll this takes on me. I’m angry, frustrated and resentful but I also feel conflicted that I need to be there for him. Do I really?? Sorry for the long post.

Can you give me some reasons why I shouldn’t resent my father for having me so late and also resenting my siblings for never helping out at home?

I just need something other than drugs to help my mental health rn