Little did the two know, the next time it would be "Soo this is where those 3 guys were murdered?"

That's what I was asked by my father, his job being to protect me from bad things, I wish those bad things weren't the rest of humanity and everything else in this round place known as earth.

It makes our plan to murder him and then host a block party “BBQ” so much easier.

They discovered spiders make a sound very similar, and it gets louder when there’s more around you.

I completely neglected to tell him that fishy doesnt have gills, and that she had big big lungs.

I've had 10 teeth removed since I became an adult. Only 3 of them were Wisdoms.

Which doesn't make sense, because I'm a boy.

The woman blinked in surprise, and said, "together my children have more meat and I can take you to them in exchange for myself".

“What have I done?!” He screamed as he watched his body and the time machine he had brought with him slowly fading from existence.

I knew it was bad because I could smell the smoke from my apartment.

It was about damn time, for I'd grown tired of holding this knife to his wife's neck to keep her quiet.

Today I came home from work to find my broom missing and the bedroom window of our 11 story apartment wide open.

Blissfully unaware, he approached the urinal and began to unzip.

In the morning I could only understand one text through the many jumbled messages: "i thght t ws coke"

Grandpa's urn shatters into a million pieces as he rises as a whirlwind of ashes and bone fragments, furious that we didn't respect his wishes to be buried.

A minute later, I‘m back inside my home, on my bed, he has a black eye, and I’m laughing at what’s on his feed, but slightly crying as well

He fell asleep.

Mama always told me that pretty girls have no fingers.

I have no idea how, but I am going to get you out, I promise!

Reminder: although Friday is Bring Your Child to Work Day, any civilians brought to this base will be shot on sight; we don't want a repeat of last year.

“It’s to complement the real present I’m giving you tonight,” he said, and she opened the box to find only green and orange concealer inside.

Worse, another finger looks like it's starting to rot.

"I'm worried that you won't make it through the surgery," she replied with practiced sobs, knowing they would take much more than his kidney.

Today, it bit me.