It tried to convince me the show runners for ALF weren’t thinking of cunnilingus when they had ALF eating pussies.

At thirty, he died suddenly just days after the woman he planned to marry vanished without a trace, and as I stood beside his casket, I couldn't stop wondering if the last heartbreak had been the one his fragile heart couldn't survive.

I knew his job was seasonal, but I looked forward to spring so much. I just met his wife.

I just didn’t expect that, when the bright sunlight forced me to blink, the sun itself would blink and stare back at me.

Not only because he feared and detested somber settings like this one, but also because it had been twenty years since his passing.

Years on the street had taught him how to handle men with guns, not the yellow-eyed beast from the bedtime stories his village elders used to warn about long ago.

The others were shot in the back of the head for not denouncing God and now it was her turn.

He stood frozen in terror as he translated the inscription on the coffin, “The person who finds me shall take my place, alive, for eternity,” never noticing the mummified hand slowly wrapping around his leg until it dragged him screaming into the coffin and slammed the lid shut.

" Nothing, but as you know there is a unrest going inside our area" the officer whispered with the creepy smile "and I am just one encounter away from getting my promotion"

All I want to do is go home.

Well the world chose violence for me at birth, but that's why I bought the extended warranty for my phone is what I'm saying.

Please sweet baby, you can't leave me now as we still have more teapots to hear simmering and more concrete steps to climb and I still have your hand to hold, your lips to kiss, your sweet dimple to touch and more of this love story to live with you.

It means that at 38, you’re just lame now.

Well you were eating, and thinking about the food in general, was there something else more specific you were trying to remember?

So I wasn't surprised when the news headlines read "Killer seems to be targeting goth kids who dress up as vampires".

Note: This story is loosely based on a Matt Melvin comic on Cyanide and Happiness, I forgot which and I don't have the link.

Always remember there is someone out there who knows, who understands without being told, and they care as much as you do.

He said "home," and she laughed because it wasn't romantic at all, until she realized it was the most romantic thing anyone had ever said.

Because to fail at something, you'd first have to be good at it.

It's been sleeping at the foot of her bed ever since.

while I straddle your lap.

" And that's your explanation for killing 63 people with a real bomb explosion ?" the judge asked furiously

"You’re lucky; she usually takes everything." the nurse whispered, when I woke up in the hospital, one eye and a kidney were missing

And then I walk back home from burger king

The CEO, in an almost matter-of-fact tone, responded, "Because we shook on it."