tldr: had a good first date and got along as people but I'm not actually sure what he wants from a sub is what I want to be as a sub.

In light of my first dom date not going well (it went well but then he did not show up for the second date for reasons that I called BS on and he ghosted) I've been back on apps and connected with a few more doms who's profiles suggested we also had vanilla interests in common.

I went on one coffee date where we just talked and vibed as people and I was like wow we could kind of be friends in this community, that's nice. Instead of just getting drinks and figuring out sexual tension and chemistry. Now I'm still new to subbing/the broader kink and BDSM world, so I appreciate that having a no pressure date to just meet each other is good, though it is different from the way I judge normal dates.

After the date we've been messaging and getting more into kinks. I'm still experimenting but definitely most comfortable with basic kinks and keeping it in the bedroom versus relationship dynamics. I'm also kind of a brat - I like sass and a bit of tension that needs to be handled. Based on the preferences of this dom, he seems to prefer more of a service sub that wants to be used though does do the things I like as well.

At this point I'm debating if I want to pursue this as a dynamic just to see if I warm up to some of his kinks and my bratting is just a litmus test, or if we're going to be mismatched because he wants a sub that wants to be used. And if it doesn't work out, it could still be nice just to have a friend in the kink space because our vanilla interests and actual conversations matched up nicely.

Hi folks,

Thanks in advance for reading this. I’m writing for a place of grief and sadness, and I am not totally sure what I am hoping for from this post. Reassurance? That someone has experienced something like this and come back, just so I know it can be done? Recognition, being seen, advice? I guess all of that. It’s important to note I have access to really great mental health care and I am using it. So I will be okay, but that doesn’t make it magically easy or something.

So it’s a low time of year. It’s been almost a year since my (M) ex partner domme (F) left me. We’d been together from 2016 to 2025. There were lots of good times and lots of not-good times. When we met, I was 36, she 31. 

For the first two years, things were amazing. The intimacy and sex were off the charts. We just got each other and after a point, called each other husband and wife. We were each other’s home. We talked every day and things were easy. Of course, we also had huge red flags that we both weren’t seeing or were ignoring. I wasn’t good at managing my own emotions, turning to her to regulate them. She claimed to have no emotions and wouldn’t offer any visibility into her inner world. Also we got physical FAST, like by the second date. But you know, we both entered into that.

Things changed in 2018 - she changed careers, and pretty quickly after that, everything changed. No holding hands, no sleeping together nude holding each other, less kissing, and our D/s dynamic changed radically. Previous, we would both give each other pleasure - especially me giving to her. After this change in 2018 I never got to touch her sexually again or really even see her in a sexual way. I’d get tied up and given pleasure, but basically this was the sudden start of a years-long decline in intimacy that waned further and further. We used to talk on the phone daily, after this - never. Probably lots of other intimacy went out the window. In some ways I feel like we broke up in 2018 and then the relationship just kept going on for another 7 years. I was never invited to her friend group. Never invited back to her house after this.

Neither of us were able to talk about it. We tried a few times, but it never went well from either of our sides. I’m not going to get into the specifics of what was said or not said, but we both handled talking about it really poorly. She would shut down, and I was somehow so anxious and passive aggressive in tiny ways that built up over time.

Other things happened through the years - a death in the family where I wasn’t wanted when it happened, and I wasn’t invited tot he funeral either, despite us having been together for 5 years by then.

The relationship just got shallower and shallower over time, with us getting further and further locked in a routine where were only rarely connected, rarely opened up to each other, and even that got more and more infrequent over time. All the same, I was deeply in love and couldn’t imagine leaving her. I don’t think even if she had cheated on me - I probably would have still stayed. I remember thinking, when times were tough “at least I should just love what I have, starting over would be awful”. And we went through tough times - my career ups and downs where I relied on her so heavily. And she was trying to find ways to connect but with no intimacy, I never really felt loved in the way I used to. For so long, I tired to just keep the pressure off, don’t ask for anything, and be happy.

I know I have a real anxious attachment style and all of this was really reinforcing it. I tried hard to fight it, but it was pretty actively in play. I’m working on it.

She left last fall after we got back from a big vacation. She took the time to sit with me and have a real conversation - but it was all about how I was the problem. And sure, I know I was part of it, of course. But she never mentioned how she was part of the problems, too. That makes me sad retroactively.

I really didn’t see it coming. I’ve come a long way since then but I feel like I have so far to go. 

Recently I reached out to see if she wanted to talk, and she responded - asking what about. So I honestly and gently told her that I just wanted to offer a genuine, asking-for-nothing in return apology. I have yet to hear back from her in reply to that. Maybe I won’t hear anything. But it was a genuine offer of a sincere, mature apology.

I tried dipping my toe in the dating world recently and… it’s tough. I feel like a D/s dynamic is important to me, but I have no idea how to feel like I am over it enough to approach it with care and mindfulness. It’s still hard to let go of her. And meanwhile, this weekend I saw her dating profile and it made me feel so, so sad. Like it’s proof that it is REALLY over. And if I let me myself go there, it’s proof I didn’t matter.

I discovered she had been on various kink communities for our entire relationship, making friends all the while while we were together. It was never shared with me while we were together. So that feels kinda bad.

I don’t know what it’s going to look like to let go of this. It was so long, and I feel like in a lot of ways, it really badly messed me up. Somehow I will get there, but… ouch. Maybe someone has lived something like this before? I sure don’t want to live it again. I loved the highs, but I want to be responsible and self aware and have more capacity next time to be a mature partner. I am working on that too.

If you made it this far - wow. thanks for reading, thanks for seeing me.

“Subs don’t do much work”, says my ex dom. “I wish I could be a sub sometimes and just lay there and let the dom do all of the work”.

As I sit here, sore and bruised from a recent session(from a different dom) these thoughts rush into my head.

-I was restrained in various ways that created vulnerabilities and no escape
-I put my life at risk for certain sexual activities
-I was marked with bruises and scratches on my body. Sometimes these bruises would last weeks or more, also made it difficult to wear shorts at my workplace, putting myself in an uncomfortable position daily at work.
-After some sessions I’d be sore for days, all while he would sleep with another girl the very next day.

I know every dynamic is different, and this is just my short story, and I want to express that I consented to all of these things. But it amazes me how some people can be so blind to the sacrifices that subs make.

Hi everyome, im very new to all this but im eager to explore this side of myself. Ive been getting really into sissy and femboy content and wanted to get some guidance from somone so i decided to search for an owner. The thing is i don't really have any toys or clothes for this kind of stuff cause im a broke collage stufent and i was wondering how common it is for doms to help out aspiering subs in the begining? Do you know any doms who would help get some tools for whatever task or training id need? I reallt wanted to go all out and i need someone to hold me accountable anyway so i want a mistress or someone to help me out and i don't know where to search or who to reach out towards.

My Master and I ended our dynamic. We are still in contact but I’m not sure if we will be able to repair things and if things are over for good.
I’ve had a really difficult time processing this as this as the first dynamic I’ve ever been in. I feel so beyond lost right now— unlike any previous break up.
I’m trying my best to take care of myself and trust whatever’s meant to be will be. It’s just been so hard. And many of my friends are not in the kink-sphere so it’s hard for them to fully comprehend what I’m feeling. I miss the care, the order, the direction, the rules, the protocols. Just, everything.

I bought a new lingerie set to make myself feel better. I also bought a rope to practice self-tying Shibari to maybe find some peace.

I don’t really know why I’m writing here. I’ve been a long-time lurker and I guess I’m just looking for someone else to understand and relate. I just feel so alone in this. And I miss my Master.

If you’ve even read this, thank you. I’m quite quiet on here but I really love this group and I’m so happy a space like this exists 🖤

I’m confident about how to evaluate people once I meet them… but I have very little practical idea on where to meet people in Vancouver? I just had a long relationship end a few years ago and I’m interested in exploring a bit but:

- Fetlife isn’t for me. My ex is there and that’s going to hurt me to know or think about.

- same deal with Feeld, she is there and that’s too much for me to think about right now.

Is there much of a munch scene? I don’t mind going and socializing with people. Is it worth trying dating through more mainstream channels? I’m interested in putting up an ad in r/gentlefemdomr4r

None of this is a rush for me but I am curious about how to break into the scene here. I never really had to do it way back when, having met my ex through collarspace way back. One day I’ll feel ready and I am curious where people meet people in this city.

Thanks for your kind help and advice!

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 6. We've enjoyed the D/s dynamic in the bedroom for a while, but it's always stayed there aside from some bratty teasing on my side (usually leads up to play). I've always been submissive to my husband, and I've recently expressed being interested in expanding our dynamic to more than just the bedroom. We've discussed day/24-7 collaring and free use (these get me really excited), and I'm really hoping we can discuss making this a lifestyle. I'm pretty driven and ambitious in my Vanilla life, so being submissive just to Daddy sounds so freeing and relaxing.

Any advice from the community for a wanna be sub?

This is a vent post... I recognize that this is all of my own making, the consequences of my actions, and not something that will change any time soon. I'm just sad, and need to get it out somewhere. Advice is welcome.

I lied to my Daddy about something that broke his boundaries. I revealed that lie about a month ago. Before that, we were already having conflict in our relationship and dynamic... And he took my collar from me. I understand that lying wasn't acceptable...

I just miss it so much. I miss feeling safe. I miss being beneath him. I miss him hurting me.

Especially that last one, right now. I feel so bad that I hurt him. That I lied to him and it has made him so sad, I genuinely want nothing more than for him to hurt me physically.

I know that I can't submit to him again in this mindset. I wouldn't safeword if I passed my limit.

I want the safety that comes with belonging to someone. Badly. I want the feeling of love that comes with it too. I feel so unlovable.

Has anyone ever reached this place, and successfully returned to kink in a safe way? Will he ever be my Daddy again, or do I need to just accept that I can't ever be his submissive?

I never even met him and we live on opposite sides of the world (which I feel like actually makes it worse, because he remains a fantasy instead of a real person), yet I still can’t get him out of my head, I feel so stupid.

He’s got a lot of responsibilities and his main priority is his career, he’s got a very busy schedule and he just can’t give me what I need. Not to mention the obvious distance, so it was never going to work, and he was always very transparent about how much he could offer.
I knew it was never going to be something real, but we had a very fun and playful energy, and a lot of chemistry. It’s been like 3-4 months since we started talking, so naturally I got attached.

I made the decision to walk away to protect myself, since I started to feel like I was just his entertainment. It was always on his terms, when he had the time. I felt like I was making myself too available for someone who wasn’t giving me enough certainty.

He says he understands, but to know that he really enjoys talking to me and he’s always there if I want to talk, but he didn’t fight for it.

I can’t get him out of my head, his voice is always there. I feel like I’m going crazy, obsessing over someone I can’t have. But he’s not emotionally invested the way I am, and there’s no future, so I have no choice. I want to talk to him so badly, but I would just be delaying the inevitable.

I’ve never spent so much time thinking about someone. We never even met!! This was my first dynamic, I’ve never experienced a connection like this before. I feel very lost and confused. And I also feel angry at myself for getting so caught up in this when he clearly could contain it in its box. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t like to give blow jobs because I have a very strong gag reflex and I am not sure I’d be able to go down on a woman for the same reason. I am attracted to both, I want to play with both but I don’t really want to do oral. I also hate when people do oral on me unless they are REALLY REALLY into it. I can’t get out of my head. I’m nervous I taste or smell bad and it’s also not a turn on when someone is doing it just to “be nice” if you’re not enjoying it, I can’t either.

As you can imagine this generally does not go down well with new partners. (Haha “go down well”)

​

I've been connecting with a new dom and doing a trial run with him.

Essentially, we're moving very slow. We met about a month ago online and haven't played at all yet online. It's online to start and then irl. About a 1.5 weeks ago is when the dom/sub trial began, but I'm starting to have reservations.

- He only messages a couple times an hour or every other hour and we rarely have any long conversations together via text. It's usually very casual stuff.

- He only said he owned me, and wants to give me rules, but hasn't given me any yet.

- He has had me do a task for him, but never praised me for the task. He didnt even acknowledge it.

- We've only hung out twice in call. Once was a ten minute chat and the other was watching a movie, but he left immediately after.

- I've mentioned that I'd like more time with him nd more chatting, but it hasn't seemed to change much. When I asked if he wanted to hang out last weekend, he gave me the run around before saying he'd have to check his schedule. We never hung out.

Fast forward to yesterday and I asked him again if he wanted to hang out. I offered today, Wed, Thur, Sunday and he chose all the way to Sunday. And he works weekends. The last time he made plans on a weekend, he canceled them for work 5 mins before we were meant to hang out.

It just feels like I'm not much of a priority for him as much as I want to be. I plan to discuss it with him if he's not more attentive this week, but I just needed to vent.

We are definitely attracted to eachother, and he has a great personality, but it feels like we're not even in a dynamic and just friends. And I don't mind being friends, but I'm looking for a long-term dynamic.

It's made me continue looking for Doms while I'm on the trial because it seems we're not going to be compatible after all. And he wants an open relationship, too. I just feel like a second thought.

I'm wondering if I just need to give this more time or recognize that maybe he likes the idea of a dynamic, but not the dynamic itself.

I am seeking to feel small, delicate, innocent, protected lead, etc

Some activities that come to mind would be: nostalgic cartoons and games, wearing pink and lacy items, doing my hair, nostalgic toys, eating lightly and not too much, making friendship bracelets, coloring, sitting on the floor, etc

However, I do not associate this with being any age other than the age I am now.

Does something like this exist? How do I access this space and feeling? Does it take practice?

I'm locked into 'business mode,' and its not so easy to get into this space

I’ve been exploring submission for 7 months now, and I believe that sub frenzy is past me (for now). I haven’t had a chance to enter any dynamic, and I honestly would be more interested in just knowing some open minded people in real life who are into D/s. Not to date or play with, but just to spend time with and chat about kink. I never had something like that, and it’s been hard.

Hi, I was wondering if anyone in here has had a Dom train their partner how to be a Dom. My partner is newer to kink and with me being a sub, I don’t really have the perspective to teach from.

If so, what was your experience and would you do it again?

Me and my Master are both 25. English is not my native language and this is not an invite for dm's.

We have been together for 10 years and during that time, my Master (and I) have been conditioning me deeper into liking degrading and submissive things. I remember before getting into relationship, I would masturbate daily, sometimes multiple times. After a while, I wanted to try only touching and cumming if I had permission. After that, we decided only he could make me cum, and until this day, I can count by one hand the times I have made myself cum. He'd tell me good girls didn't make themselves cum and I so so much want to please him. When he'd eat me, he'd touch my nipples and that was the first link in this chain: I began to enjoy nipple stimulation about as much as clitoral.

I can't remember exactly, but around the same time he (or we) started to condition me into enjoying giving him blowjobs. I'd get my nipples stimulated (while having my hands tied). Some orgasms I earned were given to me while I was giving a blowjob. Slowly, he'd lessen the stimulation: he'd start to hold my head down and only then I got my nipples stimulated or got a permission to cum. I started to want to hold my head down.

Vaginal penetration hasn't really ever been a must thing for me, and without going deeper into medical stuff, it hurts pretty bad nowadays. So naturally, what would be degrading and allow me to serve my Master? Anal. And of course, he'd have to condition me into liking it. So, I could have orgasms, praises and stimulation while plugged.

Nowadays, I have not touched myself in several years and I have not wanted to once. Complete denial doesn't however work for me (at least yet), so I still get to cum pretty much every time we play. I can't use my hands during a blowjob and the only way for me to get any nipple stimulation ever, is to choke on Masters cock. He will caress my breasts, but I won't get direct stimualtion outside of deepthroating during a blowjob. I have formed a need to suck and take him as deep as I ever can. I could stay there forever.

If I wanna cum, I have to have my ass filled and preferably fucked. It started with requirement of my ass being plugged, and slowly bigger plug was required and now it has to be a dildo or him. The other day, he was eating me while fucking me with a dildo, and left me hovering on edge time and time again. The dildo tipped me over so I had successfully came anally for the first time.

Now, we have started to discuss about next steps. He'll require me to be anally stuffed during blowjobs as well. Until now, i've gotten to have some clitoral stimulation here and there, but now it is required to be at least plugged to have that as well. We have gone from him eating me out and stimulating my nipples freely to me being a slut that craves choking on his cock and being anally filled. I have been conditioned to genuinely want and need oral stimulation.

At the beginning I wasn't tied even though i of course had my kinks and so did he. I was free and cumming as much as I wanted to. Now I can't even imagine cumming using my own hands, having my ass empty and not linking nipple stimulation to the ecstatic feeling of choking on him. I rarely cum if I haven't made him cum first. And I'd dare to say I'm now more free than I was then. I wouldn't go back even if I could.

I want to continue conditioning me by voicing my most degrading fantasies to him and seeing how he will take advantage of them. Every single one of these steps have been an idea of mine that he has made into a rule and made sure I enjoy every step on our journey. Maybe in the future I won't be allowed to cum if it's not only from anal. Maybe the amount of clitoral stimulation will start to decrease and be replaced by anal stimulation. Maybe one day it will require me to be able to deepthroat all of him to get the nipple stimulation I need. Maybe it will be required to give him 2 orgasms for every one orgasm I can have.

How would you further deepen the spiral?

Hi all! I've recently been exploring my subby side through rope bottoming, and it's been incredible. Yesterday was the first time I did an extended rope session and the rope top is a good friend who took incredible care of me.

I'm back at work today and I work in a stressful management-oriented career. I knew I'd probably experience some form of drop, but I'm finding it challenging to balance giving space to the sad, soft feelings and meeting the workday demands. My friend has been checking in on me, but I was wondering if anyone has advice on how to make a smoother transition after scenes?

So, I’ve had my dom for a year, and in the last 6 months, he has also been my bull, since I’ve entered a cuckold relationship. He took it well and adjusted to the transition of being a both my dom and bull pretty good. There are no romantic feelings between us, but a shit load of trust and intimacy, which makes the play between us a 11/10 experience.

But, the last time we met, he accidentaly slipped that he went on a date, and the jealousy filled me to the brim. Note that I have always struggled with jealousy, especially since I know that it’s irrational. Also very hypocritical of me, since I have a boyfriend, and he is very much single and have every right to go on a date. But still, I can’t shake the feeling of jealousy. And the worst part is that I feel like some of the trust is damaged, and I don’t know how to talk to him about it, cause I feel guilty for having these double standard emotions.

We have scheduled a meeting tomorrow for gag-play, but I’m really not sure if the trust is there for it right now.

Does anyone have experience with this, how did you feel when you found out your dom was dating, and how can i manage these emotions? Do I just give it time? How should i talk to him about it?

My story’s typical I guess. I had some up in downs in life and found myself giving my body to men. Perhaps my stories a little better than some. I’ve met older guys that obviously used my body but afterwards it would seem like they actually cared for me? I mean maybe it was because they were much older than me and I’m still pretty young. But I would be self destructive and they would try to help me? I never understood it. Do men only help you because they can get sex from you?

I mean there is the trope that men/boys often have stronger relationships than women. Does the same sentiment apply there? Where they just help each other? Even when you are not perfect?

I don’t know, I’m feeling more and more depressed and I really just feel lost. I feel like I’m being used and can’t tell if anything is genuine or just in effort to get something.

I just wish I had friends.

So I'm a Switch but I've been wrestling with this for some time, and it just so happens that I got my first real world feeling of submissiveness toward another irl person, and I'd like to get it off my chest in a way.

I've dabbled on both sides of the slash for a long time, but almost entirely online.

In my day to day life I very rarely feel submissive to another person I interact with IRL, but something happened the other day that I need to talk about.

I'm currently rooming with a friend, his wife, and their kids for reasons.

The friend and his wife had an event to go to on Saturday and the friend's wife asked her sister to watch the kids while they were gone. (Normally they'd ask me to watch them but the sister wanted to do Halloween stuff so she came anyway)

She also brought her husband and their child.

So anyway the sister (we'll call her Sara) shows up with a bunch of stuff for lunch as well as crafts, and I ofc help her unload, etc.

While Sara is at the house she wants to clean up so her sister (my friend's wife) doesn't feel stressed when they come back.

No problem, I figured I'd help too since I wasn't doing anything and I'd feel bad watching her clean anyway. (Her husband was entertaining the older-ish boys outside mostly)

So she gets to work and I offer to help, to which she graciously accepts and starts directing me in what she'd like me to do.

Everything is going normally as I'm vacuuming, sweeping, etc.

Then as I'm finishing a task she says something like "Oh good job honey" and my heart skipped a beat.

I wasn't prepared for her to say something like that but it's also not super weird for a woman to say something like that.

I tried to brush it off but it stuck.

Fast forward like 30 min and I called her name bc I had a question and she responded "Yes angel?"

Holy shit, people. I felt myself blush but tried discreetly tried to hide it. I think I was successful but its beside the point.

When she said that I felt a wave of submissive energy flood my brain, and I believe this is what subspace is.

I'd never achieved this headspace IRL before so I was very surprised.

Later on she even jokingly referred to me as her slave and I almost felt proud 😆

So the weird part to all this is, like I said earlier, was I almost never feel submissive to an irl person in any way that isn't sexual.

I overthink everything so naturally I do it here too, and I'm wondering now if my desire to submit to her was a result of a genuine desire to submit, or if my nervous system just reacted to hearing such nice things said to me.

For context, I have pretty bad early childhood neglect issues and I don't know if I've ever felt truly loved (long story but basically I've never known a mother's love, currently in therapy largely due to that).

I'm wondering to myself now if I'm actually submissive (at least partly) or if I'm just that starved of positive attention and assurance that anything from a strong, caring woman takes me back to when I needed it most and couldn't get it.

This is gonna sound insecure I guess. But I'm a trans guy who is androgynous and only two years into my transition. Because of this people think I look younger than I am. Not in a beneficial way either, more like I have a baby face and I'm short, so I think people tend to infantalize me.

I'm very new to BDSM, like I am still figuring out alot. But I know I'm not a big fan of Daddy/Mommy Doms. I feel like it comes with a softer, more affection domination. I lean more into objectification/dehumanization, heavy humiliation/degradation, and gender play, maybe pet pla​y too. I like Sir/Mistress or Owner more than Daddy.

The problem is, I keep attracting ageplay/Dom Daddy types! When tbh I know I don't want to be a little! But I also am not educated enough in kink to fully label what type of sub I am. It's kinda frustrating.

I guess this was a rant, but has anyone else had this problem? Also, please correct me if I got anything wrong here, I'm still new and learning 😅

Hi all 👋🏻

I'm very interested in finding some bdsm or d/s friendly discord channels. I've scrolled through so many posts on here but none of the links are active so I was wondering if anyone can help a little sub out and point me the right direction? Would be greatly appreciated ☺️

hey all! i’ve been harassed by a fake dom for a bit now - at first it was just a conversation but this person won’t leave me alone, admitted to having no idea what they were doing and basically told me they wanted pictures of me in public places 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

how are we sharing this to protect other subs? sigh

My wife is really not into kink but I finally asked her if it’s something we could try and she said yes! Can’t wait to start this journey with her!

As I explore deeper in handing over decision-making I’m noticing there are times where I disagree with the decision that’s made, other times it disappoints me. But I wouldn’t say it’s ever gotten to the point of being a boundary - it’s more learning to respond and cope with from a submissive position that decisions aren’t mine, they aren’t always going to align with what I’d decide if it was.

Just curious if people can share their experience of this and how it orients them to their dom?