as the title states, i've never been more overcome with the desire to move abroad and chase a different dream than i had originally planned.
so, i'm beginning the second quarter of my first semester of college and live minutes away from campus, i don't mind that, but i have always wanted to live farther than my hometown, states away, maybe countries. my first pursuit is to become a journalist and help those who have gone unheard, raise awareness regarding issues of the world, and to redirect the closemindedness we live in towards objectivitiy.
but i feel that, on a deeper level, i truly wish for appreciation and connection, to be viewed and even adored. when i was a little girl, like most little girls honestly, i wanted to be a star, and i feel as if i still want to be a woman who is remembered for her ability to change and adapt. oddly enough, i want to pursue acting, despite having no former interest in being a member of my high school's theatre program (which was a very big program).
EDIT: i forgot, i mentioned beauty in the title so i'll talk about my current struggles with self-image. since losing a fair amount of weight, gaining it back, and now back to losing weight (about halfway to my goal), i've experienced the good and bad that comes with appearance. i don't want to get into it, i know the good and bad and i've known it for all my life. anyway, now that i'd say i'm conventionally attractive, i just want to be able to embrace myself. i look amazing, i've been working out for months, i've been called 'gorgeous,' 'beautiful,' 'pretty,' 'cute,' everything, and it's fine, i care more about what i think, mostly. my sister told me i should try modeling, to at least give it a shot since i'm good with makeup and it's made me think more about my potential image. i just deleted instagram because i fucking hate the algorithm and everything to do with it, but it was also a fair share of me just staring at my own page and thinking "damn, i look good!"
is modeling a worthwhile pursuit if i've never been scouted? that counts as a question and i've only tagged the post with insight, but maybe i just need an outlook on how i can become more of an image or so, or if it's worth the pursuit.
like most people my age, i'd love to move to NY or LA, any big city where the noise is louder than my own thoughts. the place i live currently is fine, really, i love my room, it's a reflection of myself, but it's the only comfortable space i have where i feel as though i belong. truly, i would love to live in an apartment and be my own person, i feel like i've been surrounded so closely by my family that i'll just disentigrate.
this sounds like a non-issue, it feels huge for me because i, most often, stick to my decisions. i feel like i'm more indepentent than i'm given the chance to be, and i want to be more than the person i feel the people i'm surrounded by are allowing me to become. if that makes sense. i'm eighteen, but i feel like there is a constant weight on my shoulders that has to do with a past life or something of the sort, i also feel as though i have been destined for more than the life i have now.
financially, i have little-to-no prospects. i'm currently saving up to be able to attend driving-school and i've never had a job, this makes it feel like the life i want to live is impossible sometimes, but i am so determined that i know i have to do something in order for there to be change.
(i feel like i should add that i've gone through a very rough patch with personal connections, i've dealt with a lover's death, recently grieved friendships broken due to animosity, and have almost no emotional conversations with my family)
i'm hoping this is something any psychic can help me understand. i can provide photos of myself if necessary, other subreddits have told me i appear two-faced and deceitful, also.
thank you.