Im 24F, an architecture graduate, and I’m starting to question if I’m actually the problem in my family
I’m an architecture graduate, but I currently work from home as a VA, which is completely unrelated to my degree. My younger sister is 17F. Since my father passed away in 2023, it’s just been me, my mom, and my younger sister living together.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like my mom is constantly irritated or angry with me, and honestly, it’s starting to affect me a lot. We’ve already talked before about the things that hurt each other and the issues we have with one another, but despite those conversations, I don’t really feel like anything has changed in the way she treats me.
One of the biggest things that started bothering me happened nung 2026 after I finished all my architecture subjects and defended my thesis. I remember telling my mom, “Ma, wala na akong subjects. Waiting na lang ako for graduation.”
I expected her to be happy for me, but her response was basically, “Buti naman para makatulong ka na magbayad ng bills.”
I don’t know why, but that really hurt me. I felt like instead of being happy that I had finally finished five years of architecture school, the first thing she thought about was how I could start contributing financially. And architecture wasn't easy so akala ko pwede muna akong magpahinga saglit. But in the end, after a a month na naubos ko yung subjects ko, hired na ko sa work.
Mataas yung rank ng father ko sa PNP, so when he passed away, we received a significant amount of money. My mom and my sister also receive pensions, while I no longer receive one because I’m already legally an adult. Wala akong reklamo kung magbigay ako kase gusto ko ring makatulong kay mama, pero sumama yung loob ko kase hindi naman kami financially unstable pero the pressure was really on me kakamadali nya sakin na magka-work na ko.
Nung 2024, we used some of my dad’s money to build our house, which was actually something my dad and all of us had planned before he passed away. I understand that the money had to be used responsibly, and I’m not saying my mom should have given me everything I wanted. But there were little things that hurt me.
When I was in college, my aunt was the one who gave me my allowance for school, while my dad paid for my tuition.
At one point, I asked my mom if she could buy me a cabinet for my room. Instead, she told me that I could have it on loan and pay her back using the allowance my aunt gave me. Meanwhile, my younger sister was bought a cabinet. I know this might sound like a small thing, and maybe I’m being sensitive about it, but it stayed with me because it felt like, “Why was it okay to buy something for her, but when I asked for something, I had to pay for it myself?”
After I finished my subjects, I also started going out more often with my friends and boyfriend. My boyfriend is actually part of the same circle of friends. I understand that my mom might have been worried because I was suddenly going out more often. But growing up, my parents were very strict with me. I rarely went out, especially at night, even though I had a car. So when I finally finished my subjects and thesis, I felt like I could finally enjoy some of the freedom I didn't have before.
But whenever I asked permission to go out, my mom would get upset or make me feel guilty about it. There was even one time when I was out with our friends and she told me to come home.
This is also where my issues with my younger sister come in.
Growing up, I always felt like there was a lot of favoritism and tolerance toward her. Whenever there was an issue between us, I was always told things like, “Mas matanda ka, kaya ikaw dapat ang nagbibigay” “ikaw ang ate, kaya ikaw dapat ang umiintindi”
When she was younger, I accepted it. I thought that was just what older siblings were supposed to do. But now she’s 17. She’s old enough to understand when she’s being disrespectful, and I don’t think I should always be the one expected to give way just because I’m the older sister.
The problem is that I feel like because I was always made to give way when we were younger, she grew up not really respecting me. She rarely listens to me, doesn’t really follow what I say, and sometimes talks to me disrespectfully. And whenever I try to set boundaries now, it becomes another issue.
What confuses me even more is that I do contribute to our household. I help with the bills. I do chores. I cook. When my mom goes out to zumba, my boyfriend and I are usually the ones doing things around the house.
Recently, my mom talked to both of us kase pinaalam namin na dito na muna magsstay yung boyfriend ko and apparently she thinks that we don’t have plans for our lives. Na nagpapakasaya lang kami. Which really confused me. We are both working. Yes, neither of our current jobs are related to our degrees, but we are working and trying to save money. Our goal is to build our savings so that eventually we can start something of our own and become more independent. So hearing that we “don’t have plans” felt unfair.
She also told us that we should help more with the house, but again, I feel like we already do. We cook. We clean. We contribute financially. I’m not saying we do everything perfectly, but I don't think it’s fair to say we don't help at all.
Another thing that really hurt me was when I received my first salary. I was genuinely excited. I remember telling my mom, “Ma, sumahod na ako!” I was expecting even just a little excitement or happiness from her because it was my first salary. But she barely reacted. I know she didn't owe me a celebration or anything, but I don't know… I just wanted to feel like she was proud of me. Instead, it felt like my salary was simply something I was expected to give because I owed it to the family.
Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, it’s never enough.
I try to make an effort with my mom and my sister. I try to help around the house, contribute financially, spend time with them, and make things easier for them. But somehow, I still end up being portrayed as someone who doesn't care about them.
They often talk about me, and one of the things they seem to believe is that I don't care about them and that the only person I care about is my boyfriend. And that honestly hurts because I don't feel like that's true.
I also remember when I first introduced my boyfriend to them because he wanted to court me. My mom actually told me:
“Hindi ako pinayagan magbf dati, kaya dapat maranasan mo rin yon.” That stuck with me. I don't know if I'm being unfair, if I'm too sensitive, masyado lang talagang mataas yung expectations nya sakin. I understand that she lost her husband and that she has her own struggles. I also understand that being a mother isn't easy. I'm not trying to say she's a terrible mother or that I'm a perfect daughter.
I just genuinely want an outside perspective.
Am I actually being selfish and ungrateful? Ako ba yung mag pagkukulang o mataas lang talaga expectations nya sakin, na kahit anong gawin ko wala naman sa kanya. Or is it reasonable for me to feel hurt by the way I'm being treated, especially now that I'm already 24, working, contributing to the household, and trying to build my own life?
