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Hi everyone! I could really use some honest perspectives on this, especially from men who might be able to explain what could be going on from a guy's point of view.

About a month ago, my parents introduced me to a guy for an arranged marriage. We haven't met in person or had a video call yet; we've only spoken over the phone twice.

Both calls lasted around 1.5 hours, and honestly, I came away feeling quite impressed with him.

He's calm, polite, sweet, and very patient. Whenever I ask him something, he answers in detail without getting irritated or being pushy. He doesn't seem stubborn, and from what he's shared about himself and his expectations, I'd say he matches around 90–95% of what I'm looking for in a partner.

But there's one thing I can't stop thinking about.

Throughout both calls, I was the one asking all the questions. He hasn't asked me a single question about myself.

I'm the one asking about his interests, hobbies, lifestyle, expectations, and what he's looking for in a wife. He answers everything very nicely, but he never turns the conversation around to ask about my interests, my opinions, my expectations, or what I want from a marriage.

Interestingly, at the beginning of our first call, he said something along the lines of, "Since you're the one who's going to leave your home and come to mine, you should ask the questions."

I understood his point, so I took the initiative and asked whatever I wanted to know. But I also expected him to be curious about me at some point.

I even asked him around three times what he was looking for in a life partner because I wanted to understand his expectations and see whether we were compatible. He answered, but he still didn't really ask me anything in return.

During our second call, I finally brought this up and asked him why he hadn't asked me any questions.

He said that he felt our vibe matched and that, based on the way I was answering, he was comfortable with my responses. Basically, he seemed to feel that things were going well already.

And this is where I'm confused.

On one hand, I genuinely like the way he talks. He's pleasant, open, and easy to communicate with. I haven't noticed anything obviously wrong with his behaviour, and I don't want to assume something negative about him unfairly.

On the other hand, how can someone decide that we're compatible without making an effort to get to know me?

I'm not expecting him to interview me or ask questions just for the sake of asking. I just want to feel that he's equally interested in understanding who I am, what I want from life, and whether I'd be the right partner for him, too.

This is an arranged marriage, after all. We're both supposed to be figuring out whether we want to spend our lives together. I don't want either of us to make such a huge decision based only on the fact that we enjoy talking to each other.

So, men of Reddit, I'd especially love your perspective.

Sarcasm - coz people actually think like this

I slogged all my life to build a great career, sacrificed romance, and now I want a hot, 'untouched' wife. Because apparently, professional success comes with a matrimonial rewards programme. 🤦🏻‍♂️

I understand that Indian society and perhaps your own parents have programmed you to believe that a successful man deserves a beautiful, desirable wife as a reward for his hard work. But that's a fundamental misunderstanding of relationships and human interactions.

Women aren't trophies awarded to men for their career achievements. They have their own desires, standards, choices, and lives. A good salary doesn't entitle anyone to a partner, let alone dictate her romantic or sexual history.

A relationship isn't a reward for years of hard work, and women aren't compensation for the sacrifices men make to build their careers. Especially when your career is literally your entire personality, and you have no hobbies, hardly any social life, no interests, and no idea how to enjoy life outside work. A woman isn't supposed to show up and magically make up for the life you never bothered to build outside your job. 💀

Sarcasm

I say this as a guy who reads tonnes of posts here about how they slogged for a career and never experienced romance(involuntarily most of the time) so they're entitled to a great partner.🤷🏻‍♂️ .

Genuine question: What should be the role of parents in an arranged marriage setup?

I believe parents should introduce the boy and girl and then give them enough time and space to communicate, meet in person, and decide whether they're compatible.

What frustrates me is when parents control every aspect of the process, from communication and meetings to decisions. I've particularly noticed how heavily some parents influence their daughters' choices, to the point where it's difficult to understand what the girl herself genuinely wants.

If both families consent to exploring a match, why restrict two adults from talking freely and meeting to get to know each other?

I'd genuinely like to understand the perspective of parents, especially parents of girls. What are their fears or concerns? Am I missing something?

So I (28M), am in talks with a girl (24F). I have never indulged in smoking or drinking. None of the members in my family ever did. I personally have seen some bad incidents because of drinking or smoking which have traumatized me a little. I disclosed this to the girl. She said that she did indulge in both. But very rarely. Since everything else about her seemed good enough I told her that I'm okay with what she did since I can't change the past. I'll not judge her for it. But going forward it'll be non-negotiable for me. To which she agreed and said that since she doesn't do it often so it'll be of no problem. It was only a couple weeks ago.

Today, for some reason she mentioned that she has smoked today. For no particular reason. Said it felt nice, with her friends. Which felt kind of hurtful tbh. The talks became a little heated. Her excuse is that life feels bland and this gives her a bit of excitement/refreshment which she needs in her stressful daily life.

Now I'm wondering how I am supposed to trust her after this. She lives away from home for her job. Her family doesn't know about this habit. I don't know how I should handle this. Am I overthinking this? Am I an a-hole?

I’m 28F and have been looking for a suitable match through AM for the past 6 months.
Just curious, how do you guys usually communicate with prospects?

A. Stay connected throughout the day through texts/calls
B. Schedule calls once or twice a week

I’ve realised that texting throughout the day makes me get attached a little too quickly. So I’d rather focus on understanding compatibility before getting emotionally invested.
How do you guys manage the talking stage? And if you’re talking to multiple prospects, how do you balance that?

We get married for security after marriage.do people really get it after marraige?

i am 28 year old CA earning about 12 lpa still not getting even a girl to get married , i do not have any demand for dowry , good looks etc. I just want a simple girl , Still i am not getting any matches what to do ?

People gonna use multiple tactics to shut you up..

They may call you insecure, misogynistic, regressive, but don't listen to all those shaming tactics

If you have worked hard, you wanna settle; you want mental peace. You are entitled to have a preference. No matter what people are saying about it

You are not here to please anyone. I tell you, most people are regressive, insecure, and not progressive

But people are very smart; they know how to justify it

If you want someone without any past relationship, go for it. A partner without a past is the bare minimum

If you want a beautiful wife, go for it. She is not doing you any favour. Hardly any opposite gender will marry you if she finds out you are a few inches shorter than her

People use shaming tactics so that you change your preference because, deep inside, they know they cannot fulfil it.

Look for a secure and a green-flag woman. This sub is loaded with hypocrites

I’m 27F, from a not-so-privileged background, and I’ve spent years fighting to get a good education and build my career.
When I was 17–19, my relatives kept sending rishtas, including men in their 40s and 50s, simply because they had government jobs. I fought hard to avoid getting married so young, while some relatives even tried convincing my mom that early marriage was best for me.
Now, at 26–27, I finally felt ready to get married and started exploring options myself. My expectations? Someone from the same town, modern and open-minded, okay with non-vegetarian food, and with a good upbringing. I never demanded a certain salary or a rich family. I just wanted compatibility.
But guess what? The same relatives who couldn’t wait to get me married now refuse to help because I’m supposedly “too picky.” Worse, they tell other families I’m too modern and choosy because we rejected some of their suggestions earlier.
Apparently, saying no at 18 was a problem, and having preferences at 27 is also a problem.
Do some relatives actually care about your happiness, or do they just want you to obey them?

I genuinely don't know how to process this so I'm posting here because I cannot tell my friends this without them bringing it up at my wedding for the next 40 years.

I met this guy on Jeevansaathi about a month ago. We'd been talking regularly and things were going pretty well. He seemed nice and I was actually considering him as a serious prospect.

Last week he invited me over to his place to cook dinner together. We made dinner, baked a cake and ate. Pretty normal date so far, right?

Things got a little physical afterwards and then this man BLINDFOLDS ME. Tells me to wait. I'm thinking okay, maybe he's trying to be romantic or something.

He takes the blindfold off and this man is lying on the bed with a strap-on and the leftover cake frosting next to him. LEGS SPREAD. And tells me to peg him.

I wish I was making this up.

I'm standing there trying to understand how we went from baking a cake together to whatever the fuck this was. Like brother I met you on JEEVANSAATHI. I thought we were trying to figure out if we wanted to get married, not auditioning for a completely different genre.

And THEN, after the deed, he asks me to put the frosting on his ass and face.

THE FROSTING FROM OUR CAKE. THAT WE MADE TOGETHER. WITH OUR HANDS.

I don't think I'll ever bake a cake again without remembering this man.

The thing is, at first I felt really weird about the whole thing and couldn't believe what had just happened. But I've been thinking about it for the past few days and I think my brain has done a complete 180. The more I think about it, the more I'm realising that I actually enjoyed parts of it?? And now I'm sitting here wondering if I want to do it again. I genuinely cannot believe I'm typing this out.

I went from being confused about whether I should block this man to thinking about texting him again. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME.

And the confusing part is that I actually liked him before all this happened too. We got along well and I thought there was potential here. So now I'm wondering if this is somehow making me more attracted to him or if I've just lost the plot entirely.

How do I even text him? "Hey, so about the frosting incident..." Do I pretend nothing happened? Do I tell him I want a rematch? HOW DOES ONE NAVIGATE THIS IN AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE SETUP?

Also, what am I supposed to tell my parents? They will ask why things didn't work out and I obviously cannot say the boy asked me to peg him with a side of Betty Crocker. Imagine my mother asking me why I rejected such a nice, well-settled boy and me having to explain that the cake was the beginning of the end. And if things DO work out, how am I supposed to look his parents in the eye at the engagement?

Has anyone else had an arranged marriage prospect reveal a side of themselves you weren't expecting and then found yourself wanting more? How do I approach this without making things awkward?

Please help a girl out. I went on Jeevansaathi looking for a husband and may have accidentally unlocked a new personality trait.

32F here.

Like most people here, I am making this post, because I am so so sick and tired of dating apps and matrimonial sites, not to mention my failed relationships.This is my one last try before entirely giving up.

Growing up, I have always thought I would have a good married life just like my parents and grandparents (As if that's easy, reality sucks man).I grew up watching how good married life can be, where spouses loved each other, stood with each other through thick and thin, for better and worse, in health and sickness, till death parts them apart.

About me:

I am a tamilian, christian, based in vellore,Tamilnadu.I am a doctor by profession, I really have a lot of my plans for my career going forward in future, I consider myself ambitious and determined. My personality type is ENFP (took various tests to confirm it), so, I am very empathetic and intutitive, inherently. I am an avid reader and consider myself moviebuff, I watch a lot of movies and love to talk about movies and books. I am very talkative, loves having intellectual and deep conversations with people around me.

I am looking for someone, who is kind, compassionate, emotionally intelligent, who can communicate his thoughts and feelings, with a good sense of humor.Someone who is willing to put efforts into relationships and work hard for it (because hey, love, relationships and marriage, everything is hardwork, nothing is easy in our life). Preferrably someone from Tamilnadu, since I am thinking of long term and settling down. Religion doesn't matter to me.

Non-negotiable - I am a liberal, politically left, it would really be good if our political views align. While I can really respect different opinions and POV, I can't imagine sharing my life with Modi and Trump Sympathiser. Thats where I draw my line.

I am really sorry for this long post. To those who cant read it till the end, please dont mock me for this essay writeup. Please AskGrok for a TLDR.

I’m 32M, earning ₹75 LPA in India, and have been in the arranged marriage process for around 2.5 years.
I’ve dated six women for over a month each. I rejected three, and three rejected me. Each experience came with its own breakup phase.
Interestingly, I feel I’ve learned more about relationships during this process than I did in my previous relationship.
Earlier, I was quite rigid about my philosophy on relationships, compatibility, and what makes someone a good partner. I thought being financially stable, having credibility, and being clear about what you want should count for a lot.
I still believe these things matter, but I’ve realised that being a good match on paper doesn’t automatically create an emotional connection.
Looks and salary are important initial filters in arranged marriage. Personally, I’m looking for someone beautiful who earns ₹35 LPA or more, or is settled abroad. I know these preferences considerably narrow my pool.
But beyond those initial filters, I’ve realised that emotional closeness matters enormously. Someone might appreciate your career, intelligence, and stability, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll develop feelings for you.
How you make someone feel, whether they feel understood, the warmth you bring, your playfulness, and your ability to connect beyond checklists all matter.
My biggest mistake was probably approaching relationships too logically. I often focused on evaluating compatibility rather than simply being present, curious, and allowing a connection to develop naturally.
I’m still learning, and six experiences certainly aren’t enough to claim I understand relationships. But the process has made me more self-aware and less rigid about my earlier beliefs.
For those who have spent years in the arranged marriage process, what has it taught you? Did you change your approach to dating, your expectations, or your understanding of what makes a relationship work?

Since this is the only subreddit thats willing to talk about income and not just wealth creation and assets, but disposable income.

Can those who make more than 20 LPA, give clear point blank story of how they made it happen and also give serious advice from their own life and from witnessing the lives of their friends who earn similar?

I know this might not be arranged marriage coded but this is much more actionable long term advice than most things we talk about here.

Note: Please mention industry and function. also tips to emulate. love you all. wishing ASAP marriage to all those who comment. best wishes

I’m just curious. Is this even a thing? I assume it depends on the candidate/context, but i wanted to reach out for experiences that YOU might know about or insights you might have about pursuing AM as a half-Indian.

Do you know of any people who were not fully Indian and still tried the AM process? Are they treated as pariahs or are there some candidates who actually seek them out? Are there certain demographics it works for (eg, only tall + high earners)? Do halfs look for other halfs? How does it tend to go?

thanks!!

I have been thinking about this lately and genuinely just want an honest conversation.

I am a traditional woman at heart. I am soft-spoken by nature, I tend to be more submissive in relationships and I find real fulfillment in creating a peaceful, loving home. My biggest dream is to build a sweet, calm life with my husband.. a warm house, shared meals, quiet evenings, mutual care and a sense of partnership where we both feel safe and cherished. I don't have any strong drive to climb corporate ladders or chase high powered careers, ofcourse I will work cause that is the ask of today and it will keep my thoughts frssh ig. Just that any kind of intense ambition just doesn't light me up the way nurturing a home, spending time with children and a relationship does.

What I am curious about is whether men actually appreciate and value this kind of woman anymore. Do you like (or even prefer) someone who is more traditional, gentle and home oriented? Or has the cultural shift made it so that most men now expect or want a partner who is extremely career focused and independent in that very modern sense?

I am NOT judging anyone's choices, people are different and that’s fine. I am just trying to understand the real preferences out there. Is the traditional wife type still something men find attractive and desirable long term or do most guys feel it is more important to have someone who is more ambitious and career driven?

I would ove to hear honest thoughts from you all. No need for lectures or debates about what is right or wrong.. just real views and experiences. What do you actually look for or value in this area?

Hey guys!

What are some of the boundaries which u follow and expect your partner to follow in terms of opp gender friendships, post getting official.

I mean all I said was, "in initial days you gotta be careful and balance to save yourself from getting hurt", well basically that. Girl was good looking and very confident in nature. I admire that quality. I was humble and conversation were okayish.

I did see some red flags, in the first conversation she brought up the property angle, implying via a story on how her friend's husband recently bought a flat. Other signs like losing 2k in poker game isn't a big deal and how much money is involved in maintaining herself. Not letting me speak or complete sentences and never initiating any conversation, never inquiring about my life. How much she is into business even though she is doing a job now she wanna do business full time which requires capital. She even shared that she is talking to 2 more guys. Her ex still tries to talk to her and she told me all the things her ex did for her. It made me cry for the guy, I left that guy's pain, how much he has done for her and yet this girl wants something else in life.

But I thought okay, let's give it time, let's take this at it's pace and get there before I can start sharing with her about my life. I guess since I signed up for AM, I'm anyway gonna compete with random men for her affection. And yes, she was pretty and bold, not gonna lie, and if a girl like that enter an AM scene she is gonna get full undivided attention from men.

2 weeks it went fine and then out of blue, in the morning yesterday I get the message. "I will not move forward". Bruh, just a plan statement. Now for a moment I thought let it be, but I wasn't able to concentate on work with this randomness. So eventually I asked her if she thought my efforts were lacking. To my surprise I'm told, "I have feminine quality and she likes to be the only feminine energy in the house" and she expects a man to masculine.

Okay, I work in IT, I read a little, I do have interest in arts and enjoy anime. I'm naturally soft spoken and articulated cuz 12 years of working in IT does that to you. I don't drink or party. Is that feminine?

She never bothered to understand me to begin with, to even pass a judgment like that. Should I have told her I beat up my ex's boyfriend in public? Does that qualify as masculine?

I'm just naturally pissed, cuz as soon as I start hoping something good is going to happen this stupidity is pulled by life. Now I'm burned for another few weeks easily before I can even think about talking to someone else. Hell.

I’ve been set on arranged marriage for a year and genuinely wanted to pursue it. But most prospects my parents found lacked chemistry, communication, or basic compatibility.

Now they’ve found another guy who seems alright, but I’m starting to genuinely like someone I’ve been dating for a short while. We have chemistry, and I want to explore where this goes, but it’s too early to know if we’re compatible long-term.

My parents are actively pursuing AM, and I don’t feel comfortable telling them about him yet. Families are investing time and effort into this new prospect, and I feel guilty continuing the process while developing feelings for someone else.

Should I tell the guy reject the AM prospect directly or make up some reason after meeting him? Should I just stick to my previous AM commitment? should i give our relationship a chance, or continue exploring both until I’m more certain?

I don’t want to abandon a decision I’ve stood by for a year just because of a new connection, but I also don’t want to lose something potentially meaningful out of fear.

What would you do in my position, especially with Indian family expectations involved?

Hey guys,

Been talking to this guy from a matrimony site for around a couple of weeks now. Honestly everything has been going really well. Great vibe, talks about kids and marriage timelines, emotionally available, and we’re meeting up in a few days.

One thing came up though: he mentioned he is strictly against weed. Total deal breaker for him.

To be clear, I’m not addicted or doing it 24/7. It’s literally just a rare social thing with my friends. The funny thing is, I’ve already been thinking of leaving it behind anyway, so cutting it out completely doesn't really bother me. Taking this as a good excuse/sign to just drop it for good.

Just wanted to ask people who’ve been in a similar spot in AM:

If you agreed to drop a habit early on that you were already planning to quit, did it ever end up feeling like you were being controlled later?

How much did you talk about past use vs just saying "yeah, I'm done with it moving forward"?

Just looking for some real experiences, thanks!

I’m a 23-year-old brown girl who was raised in Italy, and I feel really conflicted about marriage and dating.
I would genuinely like to fall in love and eventually have a love marriage. The problem is that I haven’t been able to find a guy from my community/caste that I actually connect with.
My parents would never accept someone from a different group. They aren’t the type to physically force me into anything, and they would ask for my approval, but if I don’t find someone myself, eventually they will start looking for someone for me.
And honestly, that thought terrifies me.
The idea of meeting a stranger, having our families decide that we’re compatible, and then potentially marrying him feels so cold to me. Even if I technically have the choice to say no, I’m scared of ending up in a situation where I keep rejecting people and eventually feel pressured to settle.
And to make things worse, I have **terrible social skills when it comes to approaching guys** 😭. I’m not exactly going around meeting new people and effortlessly flirting with potential husbands. So I’m not even sure how I’m supposed to find someone myself when I struggle to approach people in the first place.
What scares me most is the thought that maybe I’ll never experience that feeling of actually finding “my person.” Like meeting someone, falling in love, choosing each other, building a life together — the kind of relationship I see other people having.
I know arranged marriages can be genuinely happy, and I’m not trying to say that they’re automatically bad. But personally, I really want to know someone deeply before I marry them. I want to choose them because I love them, not because our families think we make sense on paper.
Sometimes I look at people my age who are dating, falling in love, getting engaged, etc. and I feel like I’m on a completely different timeline. It makes me scared that everyone else will get to experience love while I’ll eventually end up in a marriage that is “fine” but emotionally miserable.
Has anyone else, especially people who grew up in the West but have parents with very traditional expectations, been in this situation?
**How did you deal with the fear of never finding someone you genuinely love?**
And if your parents eventually started looking for someone for you, how did that actually work in practice? Did you feel pressured even if they technically allowed you to say no?
I’d really like to hear from people who have actually gone through this, especially women.

Would appreciate some quick advice on how to go about it . Any particular questions which I should definitely ask, or any advice regarding my answers (how much and what to share with them), as the first meeting is always awkward no matter what.

1. Wear sunscreen
2. Wash your towel and change your bedsheet
3. Get sony XM6
4. Don't buy mokobara
5. Turn off the switch when not needed

Last but not the least, when you hit rock bottom, dig a little further. 0 to -1. If that doesn't help then keep digging, water deep down is safe enough to drink.

hello everyone,

i'm 28, male, based out of tier-1ish non-metro city, and currently not involved in any romantic relationship, im a single child and hence, my parents (especially my mother) have been pushing me to enter arranged marriage market, which i want to avoid, for obvious reasons (which ill state below though), and i consider myself a regular average looking dude, im not ugly, but im not someone you'll notice twice because i caught your attention, so basically im just your average joe when it comes to look, and i believe to do love marriage, a guy needs one of two things; looks and or luck, now i dont think ive looks, and luck is not in my hands, a lucky in now moment can turn unlucky the next moment, and vice versa, so luck is totally unreliable

why im avoiding arrange marriage setup

- till now, ive not entered this setup, never went to see a girl, forget about seeing a girl via AM, ive not even sent an interest to any girl's parents for their girl, because i believe AM is very fast paced, and i just have this bias that 8/10 girls are forced into AM because their bfs were from either a different caste or a different religion or something, and their parents want their daughter to marry in the same caste, shes unwillingly participating in it

- and then there are past sexual relationships are involved, im not expecting my to be wife to be free from any kind of romantic involvement, but at least i would want to understand what amount of baggage is she carrying from those relationships, because no matter what anyone says, we all carry baggage from our past relationships, and especially women carry it more, so i want to understand whether ill be comfortable with such baggage or not, and this would take a lot of time to open up, for her especially, because parents from both the sides would want us to make a decision, yes or no, so thats why im considering not to opt arrange marriage route

- i think ive already mentioned about love marriage, im not good looking enough to get into love, and luck is not reliable, so im currently not looking to even date to be honest, because i think my efforts will never be reciprocated, and in this case i would rather prefer to remain by myself

- so if im opting out of arrange market, and not made for love marriage market, but yet i want to have a wife and a family in the future, lets say in next 1-3 years, what are my options

EDIT 01 - ive not used any AI, so apologizing for the grammatical mistakes and typo errors

EDIT 02 - some details about me, 28 age, male gender, 25-30 LPA CTC, working in tech, tier 1ish non-metro city, single child, parents are living in a tier 3 hometown, 5'9.25 height, regular brown skin color, actively working out, let me know if other details are required to evaluate my profile to suggest me better