r/whatdoIdo • u/CuteVehicle1727 • 8h ago
Emotionally abusive mom randomly texted me out the blue
My mom when I was growing up neglected me and hurt me in many ways. She has lots of issues mentally and that caused us to eventually just fall apart. I moved out a year ago but the other week my dog had to go to the vet and it ended up costing me 3000. I was calling my dad about this as we are fine and I’m struggling with money and he said he’d help out financially.
Today he called me saying he will no longer help me pay at all because my mother said no, I cried and got really upset because i physically can’t afford this bill and rent and really just needed to loan some money. I’m working overtime at work currently and have my mom text me out of the blue this.
What the fuck kind of question is this? How am I even supposed to respond to this shit. It’s like she wants to me be depressed lol🤦♀️
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u/Ladyb675 5h ago
Do not even respond. And look for other ways to get the money put up a go fund me page with this story and proof of your dog needing the surgery people would be willing to help out I’m sure.
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u/gahhos 8h ago
I’ve been taught to not hold inside what is being thrown at me, because then it will spill out somewhere else and it will be worse because that stuff accumulates.
You can say something like “are you my mom or just pretending?” or just say what you feel. Don’t hold that inside.
If you need help with the dog and dad was willing to help from the beginning, try making that a one on one thing, without your mom involved.
Also ask the vet if you can spread out the payment and pay it off monthly since you are in a hard position financially(I’m not sure if that’s a thing tho).
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u/Super-Summer3029 4h ago
You can get stuff out without contacting your abuser. If it were a DV situation she absolutely COULD NOT and SHOULD NOT contact. With this crap from her mom, she's looking for that response because it says she's succeeded in hurting her daughter once again. So going no contact is a MUST. Been there
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u/gahhos 3h ago
It’s not about contact really. Her mom didn’t try to contact her. Thats a direct emotional insult masked as a question, and if it was around someone from my family, for example, her mom would get slapped on the spot or called out as mentally ill. Giving back what you received isn’t that bad of a choice specially if it’s something that’s been there ever since your childhood.
Yes you can get it out in other ways, but it requires a lot of emotional maturity, therapy and time. In correlation to the abuser, I find that to be unfair. She can easily block her and not read her responses after letting her mom know how that made her feel.
Her mom looks for a specific answer which would be some kind of misery, anxious or depressive response. Putting her on the spot or calling her out, isn’t one of them.
Though I also agree that it depends on circumstances where your personal health and safety should always be a priority. In this case, I don’t think her mom will try to do anything like that.
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u/vanzway09 7h ago
The unfortunate thing is, it seems like convo with dad was a one off. Dad should know the distance between and if he wanted to help, should've without involving the mother.seems like he told her or she caught like money being taken out. Either way, dad should've just helped when he said he would with mom in the mix.
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u/gahhos 7h ago
Dad said he would help. Mom is the one who’s been emotionally manipulative, so living with such person for a lot of years will eat you out from the inside to the point where you have no more say for yourself. The fact that he backed down after mom got involved shows that he is scared to go against her, if there’s an option for him to do it without her knowing, I think he would do it. It’s just sad..
I’m just glad that OP is out of that house.
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u/Banana2358 7h ago
Seems to me like OPs dad changed his mind so he wouldn’t get into a fight with OPs mom. If they aren’t divorced that is. Maybe they have shared accounts or something and she will be able to see it no matter what.
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u/Bobs_Burgers7 7h ago
She likely does want you to be depressed.
I know that sounds wild, but some people like to put people in certain positions so they can swoop in and play saviour.
I don’t see any other reason why she would send this, after that, other than to confirm she has in fact ruined your mental health too.
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u/Bobs_Burgers7 7h ago
Just tell her you’re fine and securing assistance elsewhere. Then go talk to the bank, or one of those loan places. It sucks, but sometimes we have to cut ppl off… including any help they may have provided.
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u/micicletricicle 8h ago
You know you can cut her off right? She doesn’t deserve the heart next to her name.
Her having mental issues doesn’t absolve her of the responsibility to be a compassionate parent, and doesn’t justify the hurt she caused. You can still love her, and part of loving her means putting yourself first.
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u/CuteVehicle1727 8h ago
I deleted all our texts and haven’t heard heard from her in over a year so that’s why the contact was left alone but yeah maybe just block but I’m just so confused what the point of this was
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u/DueKale8597 8h ago
She needs her supply and this is the way she thinks she'll get a reply from you. She dgaf if you're depressed.
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u/InSignificantEnTitty 8h ago
Prefers it tbh. Narcissists love to go back and check on the damage they caused. If you’re doing well, it infuriates them.
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u/veryhungryTWW 6h ago
Yup yup yup to all of this
Source: n-mother, went no contact after college when I had changed so much only to realize she hadn't at all.
My womb donor died at the very beginning of the year and it was as if people around me were crying over a stranger's death. I'll never get any apologies from her, but I was never going to anyway.
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u/Horror_Response_1991 2h ago
Yep she wants validation that she made OP unhappy by cutting them off. She wants OP begging for forgiveness.
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u/Fisher2087 8h ago
Don't give her the power with a response. The best thing you can do is make your own way in life and show them the middle finger with your success.
As a girl dad I am so sorry you are going through this and can imagine you are feeling abandoned. A lot of people would let this break them and their life would slowly spiral. I'm proud of you for working overtime and making your own way, even if through force and abandonment.
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u/brit8990 8h ago
People like this don’t change. It’s hard cutting off core family members but life is so much brighter without their issues. I’m sorry about your dog and I’m sorry this situation is hurting you more because of your mom 💕
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u/DueKale8597 8h ago
I fkn hate her for you. Holy (expletive). Tell her to go suck eggs. You post made me rage because I know what this is and I experienced it too and I'd like to gather us all together so we can form into the power rangers and fight all the baddies with super strength.
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u/Weekly_Hornet_9343 5h ago
Don’t answer her. She’s trying to bait you so she can go into her rant about you as a person and how they always have to be there to bail you out. I’m sorry, I don’t know you or her. But that message is one that I would stay away from if my mom sent it.
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u/Pure-Win3676 7h ago
so sorry about your dog and have to deal with your mother.
for safety, i'd block mom's number for awhile. they are some financial plans that help spread the payments up to 12 months with not interest rate- check with the vet what options you have.
not sure if you are aware, but is it a group called 'adult children from alcoholic parents and DYsfunctional families'- check it out. even if mom was not alcoholic, the experiencing neglect as a kind for any reason is taunting as we are very delicate stage from 7 to 14 y/o. just check the website and their literature- it can be incredible healing and full of tools to deal with dysfunctional parents.
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u/Cherri_cherry420 4h ago
Honestly id either A- ignore it or B- tell her ur actually thriving mentally and make her eat her words
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u/Lonl3h_K1tt3h 4h ago
“he will no longer help me pay at all because my mother said no” is he not an adult that can make his own decisions? i understand being in abusive situations, but being a grown man, being told that you can’t help your kid out, and then proceeding to not help because you were told not to baffles me.
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u/Easy-Inspection-1910 4h ago
this is so horrible and i am so sorry you have to go through this, i dont understand how people so fucked up are allowed to have kids
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u/Ddvmeteorist128 8h ago
Reminds me of bugs bunny going "did i do that"
Edit: Steve urkel. I was confusing it with "ain't i a stinker"
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u/Posterbomber 8h ago
Just block her number. Call the vet and see about payment arraignments and if you have anything to sell, particularly anything your mother gave you: sell it.
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u/Mind_boy 8h ago
I’m gunna be honest, I think in this situation you need to decide for yourself what the appropriate course of action is. Reddit won’t always be there to give you advice on how to react/respond when faced with issues such as these.
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u/cannapuffer2940 8h ago
I'm sorry you have a mommy dearest . they're awful.. unfortunately it does not get any better. As long as they are in your life you will suffer. And they will find joy in it...
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u/GracieLiu304 7h ago
Have you looked in to care credit? They have some good low to zero interest rates for medical stuff for humans and animals
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u/EducatorDifficult413 7h ago
Type back "Not yet, despite yoir best efforts. My last choice was OF, but here we are. Thanks for being such a good mom."
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u/pasghettiii 7h ago
Why does she have access to you? I would’ve blocked her AND your Dad since he seems like her enabler
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u/pasghettiii 7h ago
Just know, you are not the problem. It’s her. She is your mother. This is completely unacceptable and disgusting.
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u/TomatoFeta 7h ago
"Yes, thanks to your concentrated efforts to make me so"
if you want to really stir the coop, add
"How has Dad been holding up lately?"
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u/CatL0v3sCh33zyP00fs 5h ago
Id just block her after that, don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you miserable. No final laugh. Just block her and move on with your own life . As for your dog, there are cheap options for pet insurance and also there are people who will offer some sort of assistance. I usually reach out to pet groups on Facebook or locally
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u/Calm-Bodybuilder-241 4h ago
Look into "Care Credit", you can get a sort of loan and pay it off a little at a time and most times for non interest for like 6-12 months
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u/Cautious_Candy_9335 3h ago
As tempted as I'd be to respond, I'd completely ignore her. If you haven't clicked in the text yet, don't. At least not until you change your settings so she can't see if you've read it, if you haven't already done so.
The very best thing to do to a narcissistic is ignore them. They feed on others being in pain or sad or uncomfortable and it absolutely destroys them to be ignored.
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u/HeartRemedy 3h ago
I am so sorry your mom still has ways to get to you. I wish I knew what could just make her poof and never bother you again. I agree with other posters in doing an online fundraiser. prove to her she can't stop or impact you anymore the best you can.
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u/justme9626 3h ago
Block and move on, I would send dad a text that you're disappointed in him let him know you understand that mom controls him.
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u/Active-Silver8844 2h ago
Start a go-fund-me, go NC with both mom and dad because he’s letting her hurt you through him. A lot of us have there. She’s taunting you, and she did it to try and hurt you more likely then not. You need to cut these people off and live for yourself. If you can’t raise money through a go fund me, there are programs that take animals from people who can’t afford their medical care and will keep them while they’re receiving treatment. Put yourself first. As much as it breaks our heart to part from our babies, you can’t end up homeless and relying on abusive family again to survive.
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u/Miserable-Ad-2107 1h ago
Block her, and honestly go lc with Dad on this. Aside from the fact that he had offered to pay and now backed out, his reason was to enable your mother. So he enables her abuse towards you, how often has this happened?
Set up a GFM or anything else. If push comes to shove, care credit might be an option.
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u/meowy_sun 8h ago
Are you no contact with your mother? Is your father aware of the abuse? Are they still together? Why did he propose something to you and then take it back when your told him so? Does he enable her in her bad behavior?
I wouldn't respond to her question, if she cared she could've asked you how you're doing. The way she asked that specific question is kinda sick.
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u/ConsumerTank 8h ago
This text serves to taunt you and remind you that she has some sort of control over you. I hope you can work something out with your dad, but sounds like you need to go back to no contact.
Try an online fundraiser. You’d be surprised how many people will help out!